My Blog Turns 2.

Well it axly had its second birthday a couple weeks ago but i didn't notice. :P

I know i haven't been posting much as of late. Sorry to say things aren't going to change, because it's intentional.

I've told my story now. It was one of overcoming troubles, learning and growing as a person.



I made this blog for me in the beginning. I was alone and felt like a freak in this conservative city of mine. I knew no like-minded people, no one who understood what it was like to like people of the same sex. I had no one i could talk to. So i was reached out to the internet in the hopes of finding people who understood what it was like to be gay. I did, and it was an incredible and invaluable experience, and now the fact that i'm gay doesn't have the tiniest impact on my day to day life, when it used to be a major issue. It's thanks to the people i've met online and for that i'm eternally grateful and thankful for having met you. That's the best thing about my blog for me.

But slowly Mirrorboy became less about me and more about helping others. I grew to be obsessed with helping people in the same sort of situation and that snowballed until i was eager to help anyone with any troubles any time, no matter how simple or intense.

I met more people. I got to know people more deeply. Everyone has shit in their lives, and i got caught up in everyone else's intentionally. Like i said, i got obsessed with helping, and soon my every thought was about my numerous online friends and how i could help them. I'd be freaking out some days about the issues my friends had. I'd even talk to my own psychologist about how i could better help my friends sort through their struggles.

I imploded. It got to be too much and i had to step back. I had enough on my own plate to deal with, and whenever i came back to blogworld i was faced with a loaded buffet of others' troubles. I would try and often fail to help people and it would hurt me hard. I know it was of my own doing, but perhaps i'd lost sight of reality and who i was. I couldn't fix the world, as much as i would try. I am after all, just a boy.

That's why i had to temporarily leave. To put things into perspective and come back knowing how much i could handle, and what i could not.

So things haven't been the same since i came back. For that i'm sorry. As much as i wish i could, i'm not able to help everyone with everything, and i've failed to live up to some people's expectations because of that, and sometimes my own.



I've told my story while getting caught up in others. I don't regret a moment of it. I grew as a person and i've made many friends i'll keep forever. I'm sure i've helped some people along the way. That's never a bad thing.

But i'm sitting in the back seat now. I'll watch over who i can. I'll read, often silently. I'll leave comments sometimes. I'll post occasionally to let you know how i am, but this is mostly for the friends i've made, not for an audience of anonymous people.

Mirrorboy has found his place in blogworld.

And Mirrorboy has found his place in me.

It's the back seat.

I Told My Teacher.

Remember that personal and special post i made a few days ago on my Words Blog? (You won't if you aren't one of the 8 people who actually read it.) Well, the day after i wrote the original, i handed it right in to my English teacher at school. He always wanted us to write at least one piece of writing a week and hand it in (but soon abandoned that goal after he got nothing every week). I handed it to him and got a pleasantly surprised smile, but wanted to get the hell out of there before he started reading. :P

When i received my piece back later in the day, it had his reply attached to the back.

"Mirrorboy,
Thank you for sharing this part of your experience with me. Falling in love one of the greatest privileges of being human. The cruellest aspect of this is when the other, the loved one, is fickle or less committed than we are. At the time of rejection we feel completely devastated. It is possible to believe that we might not be able to recover our composure, or our ability to love wholeheartedly again. Fortunately, it has been my experience that the human spirit is capable of coming back from adversity that at the time seems insurmountable.

I watched one of my favourite films, again, on Saturday night. In it, the central character is subjected by circumstances to extremely cruel treatment. Despite the worst that the world can ditch up, he fights back to establish his right to freedom. The movie is called "Cool Hand Luke" and stars the late Paul Newman in the title role.

Be reassured that you will recover from your bitter disappointment, provided you do not spend too much time feeling sorry for yourself. May you enter your next relationship a bit less vulnerable than you were in this instance. You will find love again.

Best wishes,
Mr. English Teacher"



At this stage i'd completely forgotten that it was a gay story. I think that says something in itself. For all the worst aspects of people and their opinions i've experienced, whenever i've 'opened up' to someone with authority and responsibility, the response has been, not so much good, as neutral. That's what we really want, after all, isn't it? We don't want a pedestal but we still want a seat.

I believe the sane people of the world accept us, and sanity ultimately, always, prevails.

Answers. :P

Thanks for contributing everyone. ^_^

I've tried to group up questions on similar major topics, but other than that, there's not really any order to my answers.

(Planetx/Aek) How is your mom? How are the cats?
My Mum has met someone online and i think she's falling/fallen for him. He's just about the only thing she talks about. He lives in Melbourne, and they've already met up in real life and they got on pretty well. My Mum is the sort of person who got hurt a lot in her younger years and has therefore shut herself off from opening up in the later years. I'm hoping this works out, because if it doesn't, i don't think that shield will ever come down again.
The cats are fine. :P

(ST) Could you please post some more pics of your cats?
Sure lol.

(Seth) When you sit back and look at your place in the world, what do you think about?
Wanting to be somewhere else. Wanting to do something else. Wanting to be something different.

(Planetx) What is the one thing that you would change about yourself physically? What is the one thing that you would change about yourself non-physically?
Lose a bit of weight i guess. (just a bit :P) The things that i want to change mentally are things i'm already working on, and they're all related to my anxiety disorder.

(Tommy) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
For now, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

(Kevin W) What size shoes do you wear? (Jeremy) How long is your hair? o: (Anonymouses) Why do you like veggiemite? :( Why don't you want to post about pancakes!?
US 9, UK 8 1/2. If i pull my fringe down it touches my nose. :P Cos it's awesome. Cos they're not awesome.

(Aek) What's your favorite breakfast food?
Vegemite toast. nom

(Spastic) If the writing thing doesn't work out and you have to resort to porn, what would your porn star name be?
Oscar Jukes.

(Peter) When are you going to join the rest of the cool bloggers who are on Twitter? :P
When they join World of Warcraft, the definition of cool. d(^-^d)



(Aek) What're the top 5 countries you'd want to visit before you're 40?
USA and UK. I suppose if i had the money and time and opportunity to do so, maybe Japan and Italy and France.

(AJ) What is the one thing you want to do in life? (Daily Dan) What is the number one thing u feel like u need to do before u die? Will u marry me?
Have a partner.
I'd say yes even to just your hair. A cute guy attached is just an added bonus. :P

(Wkboy) How infinitely much do you love me? :P
Infinitely^(infinity).

(Anonymouses) What do you look for in a guy? Can you describe your ideal boyfriend?
Someone who makes me feel safe, comfortable, loved and accepted in every way.

(Anonymous) Have you spoken to Bitboy since you broke up? And do you think you'll stay friends?
Yes, occasionally. We've spoken on the phone twice and we exchange a couple of texts every few days. It used to be more often, but i got sick of always being the initiator. Probably, though it will be tough if he continues making little effort.

(Planetx) What is the best thing to come of the "Bitboy situation"?
Knowing that i am capable of being loved and being in a relationship, along with the intense happiness and pleasure i felt while he was here.
What is the worst?
My broken heart.

(Daniel) In your posts from way back you were saying that you were unlovable. Now, after your relationship with Bitboy, do you feel the same? Also do you think that having a relationship has "cured" your anxieties or do you still feel the need to go to a shrink?
See above. While having a boyfriend around definitely gave me a self-confidence boost, it certainly wasn't a fix-all solution. My anxieties were only pushed to the back of my mind, not out. Having said that, i do feel a lot better about my body now, and am a lot less preoccupied with my perceived imperfections.

(Planetx) For you, how important was the physical aspect vs the emotional aspect of your relationship?
Sex and love? Both were important, but they became the same. My love was intensified by my sexual attraction for him and the experiences we shared, and i've since discovered that i cannot have sex without that emotional aspect. But that's a whole other story. The love came first in our relationship and that was always the overwhelming factor, for me anyway.



(Anonymous) Top or bottom? ;) (Planetx) Did you pitch or catch or switch-hit? :P
I'm quite happy catching and have no plans on pitching any time soon.

(Planetx) How was your "first time"? Second time? Did it get better or worse over time?
He uhh, had trouble hitting the target. I fumbled the ball. I eventually got so tired i passed out. No one reached home base that night.
Second time was much better. We had a gameplan. Both teams scored.

Which did you enjoy more: giving or receiving oral?
Giving. What can i say. I love cock. :P And there's nothing i love more in the bedroom than pleasuring my top and making him moan with his head back...
Yeah didn't bother with the innuendo there. lol

Do you swallow?
I always had tissues next to me.

Bleugh.



(Anonymous) How did you become so popular?
That's a difficult question not to sound arrogant in. :P
There's no real proof that i'm popular. The large majority of my blog commenters know me personally online and talk to me regularly. Perhaps my views can be explained by others' attraction to perceived popularity. "Oh, this Mirrorboy gets lots of comments. Something good must be goin on here. Better have a look." You know. lol
Might be because i'm a good writer and people find it easy to engage with my posts.
Could be because i've blogged through a very tough and emotional year of my life and my readers were able to follow me on my journey.
Or perhaps it's because i've devoted my time and energy to helping others in every way possible and went to large efforts to actually bring this online community together and connect everyone...
Perhaps that's a question better answered by my readers. :P

(Kevin W) Is there someone new in your life after Bitboy? Are you less trusting of people you talk to online now?
No and double no. I met Bitboy and he was better than i ever expected him to be. That's not gonna make me less trusting. :P

(Planetx) How is your outlook on life different now than it was 11 months ago?
It's a lot more positive.
What are you doing in school right now?
Right now i'm sick with a cold. But when i'm not there's a lot of work.
How is your gay youth group going?
Haven't been in a while because i've had a lot on my mind. After a long Monday i just want to go home, not to the group, but i'll probly start going again soon.

(J) How's your diet? How's your mood? (Planetx) How are you doing, really?
My diet is pretty horrible. I'm not eating as much as i should be. I just find it hard to get motivated to cook for reasons related to my mood... which is pretty low most of the time. When i think about how much i miss Bitboy, which is a lot of the time, i get really sad, because i've lost what was probably the best thing in my life and can't get it back. What makes me feel worse is when he doesn't show that he cares about me. Or when i feel that he's getting on with his life fine while i'm still struggling. Anyways i'll be kay.

(Planetx) What do you hope to have accomplished in the next year? The next five years?
This year the one thing i've got to focus on is my school. My other goals are those of self-development. Within the next 5 years, i'll most likely have moved to Melbourne, and as long as that happens i'll be happy.
How is your story going? Will you ever post another 'Mboys words'?
Universes is unfinished and will probably remain that way for a long time. I need to improve my writing skills before embarking on another huge project like that if i'm ever going to be satisfied with the end result.
I wrote a short story about a personal experience last week and have been considering posting it on my writing blog, but i need to really think it through before i do that.



(Bianca) How often a day do you masturbate?
Bout twice. >_>

(Spastic) Favorite wank fantasy?
Anything where one boy is dominant of the other. O:

(Kyle) Hair: pits, chest and pubes; shaven, trimmed, or the wild thing?
I'll answer what i prefer on other people. :P
Pits, i don't care cos i don't spend any time there. Chest, well, i've never had an encounter with a hairy-chested boy my age so it doesn't really matter. :P Pubes, i prefer anything non-wild. lol
And all of those apply to what i prefer on myself anyway. (:
Glad you didn't ask about hair on heads. Don't wanna get me started on that. lol

(Aek) Describe yourself in 5 words?
Caring, self-conscious, thoughtful, bruised, resilient.
What're your top favorite video games?
Kirby Crystal Shards (N64), Paper Mario (N64), Paper Mario:TTYD (Gamecube). NOT Super Paper Mario. Eww. Uhh Super Smash Bros (Wii) and WoW. :P
If you could be any cartoon/video game hero, who would you be and why?
No one is cuter than Kirby. ^_^

(Spastic) Biggest failure? Biggest regret? Greatest accomplishment?
I can't think of a time i've epically failed. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but i wouldn't call them failures. Idk i can't think of anything. :P
I regret being so hard on myself.
My greatest accomplishment is overcoming the shit in my life to still be here today.



Bob's questions deserve their own category. :P

(Bob) 1. What is the biggest difference in you or how you see the world since that little scared 15 year old ventured into blogland and why?
2. At one time you had a teacher i believed named Ms. O, who you came to trust and admire, have you found another adult like her you can trust and lean on?
3. I know you are a keen cricket player :p. what is the guy who throws the ball towards the wickets called and what is the guy who catches the ball near the wickets called? (bet u wont answer this lol)
4. What are Australia's chances in the world cup and will you watch any of it?
5. For a while you were having some strange dreams. Have they gone away and can u describe a particular strange one?
6. As a person who lives by the coast what do you think of this huge oil spill in the gulf, should companies be allowed to even drill? and could you describe how such an oil spill would effect your town and life? ( i know it sounds like an essay question so like in one or two sentence is all)
7. How is your writing going or have you had time for it?
8. If you could like more like any other person in the world who would it be and why?
9. Is justin Beiber on your ipod? if so what song?
10. Music wise what singer or group do you believe is most aligned or seen as accepting and approved by the gay community?
11. What if any protests or events have u participated in with your youth group?
12. If you could live anywhere after graduating from school where would that be and why there?
13. Are you still baking?
14. I'll put this question in my own words cos it was long. :P
Now that you have experienced sex, are you happy you took the opportunity to do so or do you have any regrets? Do you think boys should wait until they are older or go for it when they want to (i'm guessing in their teens).
15. ok my pervy one lol are you still wanking every day?

1. I don't feel so alone now.
2. No, i haven't. People like her are rare and don't come along often.
3. I don't know. lol
4. I don't know. Absolutely not.
5. They haven't gone away. Last night i dreamt i was back at my old school in a class taught by none other than Mrs OC. :P I shot a girl with something like a blowpipe and Mrs OC got really angry. I was disappointed in myself and couldn't focus on my writing afterwards which was bad because it was a test. ):
6. I really don't know. I don't even know what the oil is for. No oil ships out here either. :P
7. Writing is hard when i have a murky mind.
8. Anyone outgoing.
9. No.
10. Umm Kylie Minogue? lol
11. Just that gay march i blogged about. :P
12. Melbourne, cos it's awesome.
13. Nope.
14. That's complicated. I've experienced loving sex and loveless sex and the second is something i have zero interest in repeating. I can't really give a generalised answer. It's up to an individual to decide if they wanna have sex or not, who with and at what age. The only thing i can advise is that you wait until you have found someone you care about and who cares about you, because that makes it a million times more enjoyable, and of course it's safer, and less, umm, emotionally damaging. At least for me anyways.
15. Yes, yes i am.



Too much thinking. My head hurts. I need to go watch tv and dumb down. =/

Marchin in a Gay Pride Parade.

Title says it all. :P Figured i'd make the post cos it involves a topic that many of you may be interested in. (;

So there was a state gay pride parade in Melbourne today. Me and my gay youth group went up there, and with our banner, participated in the march, under the boiling hot sun. @_@

There had to have been thousands of people there to watch or take part in the parade. And boy, there were all types under the sun up there in Melbourne, under the hot sun.

For a 'small-town boy' like myself it was quite surreal. Every stereotypical queer and queer-related person you could imagine was in eyesight at all times. I'm talking about tall drag queens in bright, flashy outfits, short-haired dykes and their bulky motorbikes, old guys in leather (and tight, bottomless pants x_x), slender tanned twinks in only tight shiny underwear, enthusiastic mothers clad in all the colours of the rainbow, and emo boys in black tops and low-rising jeans with, if i may say so myself, very nommable hair.

It was the largest collection of eye-candy and eye-sores i've ever witnessed. I've never seen so many cute boys in the same place before. And the funniest thing is, most of em like cock. :P It was so... strange to see so many openly gay/bi people in the one spot, or even openly gay people at all, for me.

It was the longest day i've had in ages, and it was the first experience of its kind for me, and quite an eye-opening one at that.

And i acquired a raging sunburn to remember.

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

How I Met Bitboy.

(Sorry for the long post but it does have a rather strong point to it) :)

You know i've always been incredibly interested in how one small action can have huge implications. In fact i often find myself thinking 'where will this action or decision lead me in the future?' when i'm at a crossroads. It's why i strive do always be nice whenever i can, because you never know when a nice action can lead to a new friend.

I think the majority of my readers also came across me and my blog through internet searches or clicking random links. If you'd typed something a little different, clicked a link above or below, or not even been on the computer that day, you might not know i existed. And many of my blog readers are good friends that have enriched my life a lot.

Well on to the point of this post. It's how i met Bitboy.

Before i got WoW, i used to play this game called Knight Online. And it was a horrible game, utterly terrible, it was. Basically it was ruled by hackers and bots. The only way to level up was to find yourself a hacker to be in a group with. And then there were the bugs and glitches, and typos. Oh god, the typos. When what you were told to do was coherent enough to understand, there would be a glitch or two that made it impossible to do.

And the gameplay was bad enough too. There were warriors, mages, rogues and priests. You could only wear armour designed for your class, and the only decent stuff was so hard to get, only people who hacked or cheated to get money could buy it. The same goes for weapons. Even low levels could wield ridiculously overpowered weapons, if they had money, that is. And the music was the same goddamn track over and over and over again.



But i digress. One day while playing this horrible game, i entered an event and was put in a group with a mage called Weebs. He did his job well and saved my virtual ass many times. After the event was over i saw him back in town and said he did a good job, and he said i did as well (both with a smiley). Then we parted our separate ways.

I was in a group with someone doing a quest later, when i ran into him in another town. Weebs knew the person i was grouping with, so we all started talking. By the time the other person had left, me and Weebs were getting along quite well.

It was then that i found that Weebs was actually an Australian. We kept talking, and decided we would play together when we could. Later on, we were partying with an American who made some rather homophobic remarks. :P Meanwhile i am very much a hint-dropper. I guess i could explain it in that i try to get a read on a person's like or dislike of gays by making borderline sexual remarks or innuendo. Does that make sense? o_O Sometimes people will act positively, others will freak out at even the slightest hint of a hug.

Anyways it worked better than i expected. By the time we got back to the main town and were alone again, Weebs asked me 'are you bi?'. I replied with something like 'you're half right lol'. He'd picked up on my semi-obvious remarks, and when i told him i was gay, he in turn said he was bi. That's when i started to go like (O_O).

'Omg' i was thinking, 'he's Australian, he likes boys, and he's a teenager'. That's an incredible lot to have in common in a game in which the majority don't even speak English. 'AND HE'S NICE!'

Soon after, i showed him the address to my blog. Then our game conversations turned to MSN conversations. Within a few days of knowing each other, i was beginning to like him, a lot. And he liked me too. It got to the point where i would only bother playing the game to see him and have his 'company'.

When he said he wanted to leave Knight Online to go back to playing World of Warcraft, i decided i had no choice but to buy it and start playing it. Being around him, even online, made me so happy. We both made new characters, and went through the levelling process together. And let me just say, WoW is infinitely better than KO. :P

The rest is history.



The fact is, if i hadn't been playing Knight Online, on that day, at that time, and entered that event (meeting Weebs), and afterwards entered a group that lead me to a town in which Weebs was at at the same time, and having Weebs know the person i was grouping with, giving us a reason to talk more... I might not have had a boyfriend for 2 weeks, 2 weeks in which i was the happiest i've been for years.

That's why i'll always be thankful for that horrible game.

Mondays. Sheesh.

They're so longgggg. And it didn't help that today was hot. :P

Anyways the 'gay youth group' i'm in has really been taking off over the past few weeks.

(Obviously i'm not going to go into much detail, cos i don't want anyone knowing where i live. :P)

Just over a week ago a party was held by an outside 'gay etc. group', and all the funds went directly to my group. About 150 people showed up, and it was $10 (Aus) to get in, so... now we have money. :D

Previously we only had enough to just keep running, and even then, only enough money for a few years. Now with money, we should be able to not only continue running, but really make a difference in the community. One of our projects is to make 'pride packs' or something like that, with resources for people who are coming out or thinking of it or anything similar, with resources and information about support and stuff about our group. So with money that is now possible. :) We're also making banners and redesigning our logo atm.



Also, a journalist and photographer came by today because they're putting an article about us in the paper. The photographer took pictures (well duhh) and then the journalist asked us a lot of questions about... pretty much everything, and he seemed genuinely interested. :)

He asked if anyone had a story they wanted to share, and i said yes, so i briefly recounted to him my coming out experience.

That was quite a brave step for me. There were about a dozen other people from my group in the room that hadn't heard about it before. Oh, let's not forget that this is a journalist! lol. And it's going in the paper that probably tens of thousands of people read. And he's using my first name too, and it isn't exactly a generic name, as some of you know. :P

But yeah it's all good. And no, don't ask to see the article cos then you'll know where i live. :P

Memorable Moments #2

March. It was early in the month, when i celebrated 150,000 views, that i started up my other 2 blogs, Secret Project (co-owned with Jake) which was basically boy pics, and Mirrorboy's Words, on which i posted excerpts from my story

2 days later, i started seeing my psychologists (thank God they came into my life). I had a bit of support in my life now, but school was still really hard.

At the end of March, i posted the interview that Col had done with me, and it provides a bit of insight into my life.

April. The 8th, and i was getting ready for my trip to Melbourne, the state's capital city. Not only was it my first holiday, but it showed me that there was a life outside of my crappy, small-minded town. I could at least look forward to the day when i finally leave.

And i had photos. :P

During April was the time i stopped attending school. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it had all become too much. My Mum knew she couldn't keep sending me, so i just stopped going. I didn't make a post about it though, because frankly, it was private.

May. Not much happened in May. I continued not going to school, and instead focusing on trying to get better by working with my psychologists. I also kept going to my gay youth group.

The 22nd was my birthday. I got some really nice bday wishes from my online friends. :) Other than that it was a pretty crappy day. lol

2 days later, i explained everything about school, and life, and i told you about my disorders. I also said that tomorrow i would be starting at a new school (which is my current one). My first day wasn't bad, although i was expectedly nervous.

With a lot on my mind, i took a break from blogging and didn't return until mid-June.

June. I included a post about the kinds of things we get up to at my youth group.

By the 19th, things were starting to get back on track for me, thankfully.

June also had a Q&A post about me, and if you're interested, i showed you pics of where i blog from.

July. My school hours increased. I was also going through a lot of ups and downs. Life was pretty unstable as i juggled blogging with school and my disorders. I used my blog to vent when i needed to.

I also posted some pics of the beach in my city.

At least things were on the up, now.

August. I was busy, and that was good. Inadvertently, i was also being more positive. Things were starting to improve.

And now September. There's not much point in looking back on this month. :P

But i will say, the past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Every single day, things get better for me. Living gets easier.

The time between now and a year ago almost killed me, literally. But i've survived. I've got the scars in my mind and bruises on my soul, but i made it, thanks in no small part to all of you who supported me.

Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

On The 17th Of September...

Mirrorboy and Mirrorboy's Blog turn 1!!

On the 17 of September, 2008, i nervously made my first post. I really didn't have any idea how blogs worked. I didn't know how to link blogs or change colours or anything. I didn't think i'd ever 'make it' in the blog world. It seemed so distant, and frankly unimaginable. It seemed like there were blogs out there full of people who knew what they were doing, while i was clueless.

So i made that first post, right before my Mum came home from work. Then it was my dirty little secret.

This was my first post.

///
So... This is it huh? Who knows what adventures lay ahead for me and my blog in the days ahead... Hopefully i can make you laugh. Hopefully i can make you think. Hopefully you don't get bored with me O_O
This blog is going to be about me and what i think, so i'll give you the quick rundown about me.
I'm 15 years old. I live in Australia. I'm gay and mostly not 'out'. I'm an only child with a single parent. I want so badly to be a creative writer and am working on some books now.
Like me so far? If not, leave. :) (I was worried people would abuse me)
If you come back once i've started proper publishing you'll get to know a lot more about me. I hope you do, cos it will make a lonely boy very happy. :D
Thanks.
///



It makes me quite angry that people seem to think that Mirrorboy, I, had it easy in blogworld.

In the whole month of september... i made 17 nervous posts.

I didn't get a single comment until the 27th of September.

In the whole month i got 6 comments, from about 3 people.

It's funny when i see new bloggers, who might get about a dozen comments a post, complaining about not getting as many comments as me. Yet when i started i got barely any, not even a single one for 10 days.

When i started, this gay/bi blog community of ours simply did not exist. There were no bloggers to ask for help. There were no people to link with and be plugged by and supported. There were no examples to follow. I was on my own. I really did have to build me and my blog up from scratch.



I thought to get people to read i had to make short posts, talk about amusing things and mix it up with funny videos and pictures of cute boys. Every post was a conscious effort to try to draw people in.

I was still finding my feet. I wasn't sure where i was headed, but i was still travelling.

Strangely, although hardly anyone read or cared, i never thought of giving up. And i'm glad i didn't.



Starting a blog was basically a cry for help. I was a lonely gay kid. I had no gay friends in the slightest. I was existing in a world that didn't even want me. I had no one to talk to about what i was going through, and i was as alone as possible.

The reason i started was to reach out. I wanted to meet some gay people who i could talk to. I wanted to feel like i belonged.

My blog is a success.



For the rest of this week, leading up to Mirrorboy's Birthday, i've decided i'm going to celebrate on my blog. At first i felt like dedicating a whole week of posts on my blog to my own blog was a bit over-the-top. But you know what, considering this blog has had an enormous effect on me and everything about me, i think it's justified.

Stay tuned for tomorrow and i'll continue my story. :)

I Know You...

Hmm. Today was an interesting day.

There was another new girl there at 'school' today. The interesting thing is, we went to the same Primary School (or Elementary School for you Americans). We didn't socialise much back then, but we knew each other.

Now, me being the social phobia suffering, nervous wreck around people that i am, i haven't made any friends yet, because i simply find interacting hard. It's too hard to explain why. Just understand that it's simply the pinnacle of hardness for me.

By pure coincidence, this girl had to move seats and ended up next to me. (I hadn't recognised her yet... because i don't stare at people's faces. lol) We then had to write our names down on a sheet of paper and i got it (the paper) right after her. I was looking at the page and recognised her name right away. I was like 'wuuuuuuuhhh??'. lol

Anyways, i kinda took a leap off a cliff and turned and said 'Hey, i think i know you from Primary School'.

We made a bit of small-talk. For me, it was like, 'OMG i'm interacting with someone. woot!' lol

Small-talk small-talk. Then things kind of stagnated, but by coincidence again, the teacher had work for us which required us to work in groups of two. Without anything needing to be said, the two of us worked as a group. Things lightened up, as we talked and worked on the project. And it was actually pretty enjoyable. It was nice to actually be talking to someone for once, rather than being on my own.

Idk how 'making friends' works lol, but the interactions between us were positive and she didn't seem to dislike the time we spent together. :)

The thing is... she says 'fag'. A lot. It's hard to explain. Like she says 'fag' instead of 'idiot'. "Don't be such a fag". Stuff like that. People around my age would know what i mean a lot better than older people.

So i guess... i'm not actually sure if i'd want her as a friend. I mean sure, we got along. But... i didn't feel like i was being 'me'. I felt like i was putting on a face to be friendly.

Anyways, i don't have much choice. I need someone to talk to/work with/sit next to. I can't go on being the loner because that ain't gonna work out good for me.

Of course, there's also the possibility that she'll start talking to the other people in the class and realise that they'd make better friends than me, and i'll pretty much be dumped.

Idk what to make of it all.



Oh, i've also realised that i've got back INTO the closet.

I think i have to in a place like this. This is a place where students are allowed to go out for smoke breaks, and openly swear in class.

Yeah that kinda sucks... Again, i don't really have a choice. It's play it straight, and lie if i'm asked, or risk things turning to shit like they did at my old school when i was outed, and face having to leave again. And if i have to leave here, it's bye-bye school education, for now.

*sigh*

love

Milk, It's Good For You. :)

So i had a great night. :)

A handful of us showed up, and we bought chips, soft drink and lollies, and ordered pizzas. Then we all reclined in bean-bags and watched the movie, Milk, which was shown on a projector thingy.

Can i just say, that movie is amazing. Everyone there loved it, me included.

It was just fantastic. It was funny and sad, entertaining, moving, and inspirational.

I would highly recommend it to anyone, but for people like us, i think it is simply a must-see. If you haven't seen it yet, go out and rent it. I mean it. It's an amazing film.

That is all. :)

love

Bitch. lol

So for the past few weeks in my gay youth group, we've been working on rainbow stickers that we can put up in businesses around our homophobic little town, to show that the place is SSA (same-sex attracted)-friendly. We aim to help gay and bi people feel a little more comfortable and accepted.

A few weeks ago we sent out letters to a bunch of places explaining what it was all about, and asking that the businesses give us a call if they're interested... We got very few replies... and by very few, i mean none. lol

Then we called the businesses. That wasn't very successful either, as most of the managers weren't in at the time. And many places didn't even recieve the letter that we sent.

So yesterday, the group of us (there were only 4 that day) grabbed our stickers and headed along the street visiting places. Most of them said yes this time. It would have been hard to say no, wouldn't it? How could you say no when we're actually there in your shop asking for support? Sure would seem pretty homophobic of ya... lol. But we don't care if they felt pressured cos a yes is a yes. :P

We did a really good job. We almost used up all of our dozens of stickers.

Then we got to the ice-creamery and the lady there was all like 'i don't think you should be forcing it on people, getting in their faces, bla bla bla'.

So you know your ice-cream there comes straight from a cow. :)

Anyways, this group is really nice. The people are really nice. I always have a good time there and it's nice to be amongst people who are from the same world. I don't feel like such an alien, and i'm doing stuff there that i care about. It's good times.

:)

love

200th Post! 200 Random Facts About Me!

Okayz. First of all, congratulations to me! lol. 200 posts is a lot!

Sorry this took so long. But it was soooooooooooooo harrrrrdddddddd. It's 200 facts about me. I tried to make them all somewhat interesting, and i didn't want to have any repeats either.

I did my best and it took me a week of work and frustration. :/

Oh yeah btw, all these are true. :D

And before we get into it, i wanna thank Seth, Aek and Reilly. They were really helpful by giving me some ideas. Trev, Seb, Dan and Paul also helped too. I guess people could see that i was suffering and they took pity on me. lol

Anyway, you'd better enjoy this! *serious face*

It was a lot of work.

I hope there are no spelling mistakes...



Starting with the basics...

1. I am an only child.

2. I live with my Mum.

3. No, i never met my Dad.

4. I live on the coast of Australia in a small city.

5. I have 2 cats.

6. I turn 16 on the 22nd of May.

7. I want to be an author (preferably famous lol).

8. As a job, i would like to be a journalist.

9. I want to leave my city as soon as i can.

10. My favourite colour is pink. 2nd is red, 3rd is black.

11. My favourite TV show is 30 Rock. I also like Dexter, Lost, Mythbusters and Heroes.

12. My favourite type of music is techno.

13. I'm short-sighted so i wear glasses or contacts.

14. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

15. And yes, i lick the spoon.

Now on to less basic things. :)

16. I call my cat Tiger 'fatcat' and my cat Jemima 'fincat'. :)

17. I have one pink pillow and one green pillow, pink sheets and a green doona.

18. My Mum used to have a stalker.

19. When i was really young i wanted to be a clown... then an actor, and then a chiropractor.

20. I have to wash and wipe anything i'm go to eat off, or eat with, or drink out of... unless i'm eating out. (nothing sexual there i assure you) :P

21. I love tennis. I suck at playing.

22. I'm terribly uncoordinated and clumsy. I have trouble even using a knife and fork correctly.

23. I own a Nintendo Wii, a Nintendo Gamecube, a Nintendo 64, a Super Nintendo, and a Game Boy Advance.

24. I have 4 email addresses.

25. My least favourite music is country.

26. I don't like eating meat... but i do still eat it.

27. I've got blue eyes and brown hair.

28. My hair grows way too fast and it's too thick.

29. I hate getting haircuts.

30. I've never been on an aeroplane.

31. My family doesn't own a car, so my Grandma has to drive us places.

32. My Grandma knows i'm gay and is fine with it... but we don't talk about it.

33. My Grandma still says 'God Bless' when she says goodbye to me. She must think there's hope for me yet. ;)

34. My Grandma is Catholic.

35. When i was little i would go to church most weekends with my Grandma.

36. I would get bored at church, and make origami. lol

37. There are 91 people on my msn list, and i've deleted a lot of others. :P

38. I love rain, and storms! :D

39. My favourite celebrities are Shaun Micallef and Natalie Bassingthwaighte.

40. My favourite food is chocolate.

41. I've never been outside of my state.

42. I swear a lot. lol

43. I DESPISE bananas. They're disgusting.

44. I've got small hands and feet. (don't compare to other parts of my anatomy lol)

45. I feel uncomfortable if i'm not wearing shoes. (unless i'm in bed)

46. In fact, i feel uncomfortable if i'm not wearing a bunch of clothes, so i'm almost always in a jacket and shoes and socks (plus other stuff of course).

47. I bought my first pair of jeans when i was in Melbourne.

48. I got my first pair of sunglasses in Melbourne, cos i'd only recently gotten contacts.

49. 49 is my favourite number. :)

50. I have had 5 cats - Tiger and Jemima, Miticus (Mit), Cosmo, and Oscar.

51. Oscar never liked me, and he ran away one day. I was too young to really care. lol

52. Cosmo disappeared as well.

53. I loved Mit, but one day he just disappeared too. It broke my heart. :(

54. That's why i always freak out when my cats don't come home at night. Sometimes i will cry because i'm so worried something has happened to them, like the others.

55. I love my cats a lot. In fact i love them more than most people. lol

56. I keep my money under a trinket box on my bedside table.

57. I have 2 radios beside my bed. One acts as a radio, and the other as an alarm.

58. The furthest i've been from my city is Melbourne, and that's only about 4 hours drive away.

59. I read the Lord of the Rings books when i was about 11 or 12.

60. I've got a big family.

61. I love American sitcoms like Everybody Loves Raymond and Seinfeld.

62. I get email notification for every comment on all of my blogs, so even if you delete a comment, i have a copy in my inbox. :)

63. I wish i was shorter.

64. I love soft drink too much.

65. I say hungee for hungry, angee for angry etc. :)

66. I'm scared of heights and i freak out around spiders, and i hate blood.

67. I went on a Ferris Wheel once and i was scared as hell.

68. All the clothes my Mum buys for me are too big.

69. My cats can always tell when i'm sad and one will come and snuggle with me.

70. I have an electric blanket on my bed.

71. I've lived in 4 houses.

72. One of them was cursed or haunted or something. Bad times...

73. I punch my pillow when i'm angry.

74. I once was in a carpark and people left their car and they forgot to but the handbrake on, so their car slipped down the road and smashed into another car. And i saw it. :O

75. I think my cats are better-looking than average cats. :)

76. I sleep on my side.

77. I'm really self-conscious and i pick on myself a lot. :/

78. I've got low self-esteem.

79. My year 8 English teacher is the one who turned me on to writing and if it weren't for her i never would have written anything.

80. She was also my support at school and i could look to her for help and/or advice.

81. I found out about the gay youth group from her.

82. When i was little i would fill up balloons and rubber gloves with water.

83. I even remember taking them to the bath with me sometimes to play with. :/ lol

84. I need a tan. :P

85. I used to burn things.

86. And i would light candles and dip my fingers in hot wax. Then play with it. :)

87. And i was greatly intrigued by fireplaces.

88. I always wished i had a brother or sister.

89. Simple things can put me in a bad mood.

90. I wish i had punched a certain someone in the face.

91. It annoys me when people add me on msn and then don't say hello.

92. I'm really good at procrastination. :D

93. I spend my money on games. :P

94. I talk to myself.

95. I've got bad circulation and my hands and feet get cold easy.

96. I usually wake up in the morning with really cold feet. :/

97. I invented a word for cute animals - 'pugee', pronounced pai-gee.

98. My favourite band was the Rogue Traders... before they split.

99. My eyes twitch when i'm nervous.

100! I've thought about closing my blog down recently.

101. Several of my school friends were 'okay' with me to my face, but harboured some pretty strong hatred for gays.

102. Smoking turns me off.

103. I don't like drinking or drugs.

104. All 3 exist in my family.

105. I was outed on 2 separate occasions, both by accident.

106. My cat gives me nose kisses. :)

107. I've never done anything remotely sexual with anyone.

108. If i could have a superpower it would be the power to turn back time.

109. I don't have a 'type' of boy that i like. I don't have any preferences.

110. The last movie i saw at the cinema was the latest Narnia one.

111. I like coffee-flavoured things but i don't like actual coffee.

112. I feel good when i see gay characters on tv... unless they're evil or dying or something. :/ lol

113. I have pages full of notes about my story scattered around my computer desk.

114. I cry easily when people die in tv shows.

115. I'm an early riser... well i try to be.

I'm stuck already. :(

116. The first thing i do after i've gotten up is feed the cats.

117. I comfort eat.

118. Posters cover one wall of my bedroom.

119. I've got a double-bed. Wanna share? ;D

120. I've had the same digital watch for years.

121. The last game i bought was Metroid Prime for the Wii.

122. My favourite author is Eoin Colfer.

123. When i was little i would always have to sleep facing left, or i would have nightmares.

124. There are 444 songs on my iPod.

125. I go through about 5 boxes of tissues a week. :P

126. I don't like multiples of 5.

127. When i was younger i would always sip from drinks in multiples of 4.

128. My cat knocks on doors when he wants to come in.

129. I'm the one who has to set up stuff like DVD players and TVs in my house.

130. My family spends Christmas at my Grandma's house.

131. One of my cousins has had a baby.

132. I grow lettuce in my backyard.

133. My favourite drink is Schweppes lemonade. *orgasm* lol

134. I really like longer hair. :)

135. My favourite ice-cream is coffee. :P

136. The walls in my house are cream (colour). lol

137. I like video game music, like kirby. :)

138. I don't like facial hair.

139. I use smilies a lot. :D

140. I don't believe in religion but i do believe in an afterlife.

This is soooooooooo harrrrdd.

141. The only bone i've broken was my little finger... at mini-golf. -_-

142. I once had an allergic reaction to medicine and ended up in the casualty ward at a hospital.

143. My feet have high arches. :(

144. My favourite game series is Paper Mario.

145. Oh, i've got a gay cousin. :P

146. Between Mario and Luigi, i choose Luigi.

147. I've been caught wanking... more than once too. lol

148. I like eating plain pasta.

149. My favourite subject is English.

150. My weapon of choice is a bow. :)

151. Music cheers me up... unless it's sad music. lol

152. I've never drank alcohol or smoked.

153. My favourite day of the week is Friday. :D

154. I'm a Rooster and a Gemini.

155. My Mum used to read Enid Blyton books to me as a kid.

156. I like plastic cutlery. :P

157. My favourite fast food is La Porchetta's. (pizza) :)

158. I can make an origami lily from memory.

159. I've never kissed a guy.

160. My Mum has really long hair that goes past her waist.

161. My favourite time of day is nighttime.

162. I haven't had chickenpox.

163. My favourite vegetable is cauliflower.

164. I don't like big dogs.

165. I am obviously a cat person. :)

166. I still have weird dreams most nights.

167. I like pizza with sauce, ham, cheese and olives. :)

168. I have said 'lol' in real life.

169. And sometimes i feel compulsed to use smilies while writing. :O

170. I probably won't get piercings, and i definitely don't want a tattoo. ouch

171. I wear my watch on my right hand, and i'm right handed.

172. The first thing i wash in the shower is my hair.

173. I'm allergic to really sour things.

174. I eat cereal for breakfast OMG.

175. The clock on my bedside table is 6-7 minutes fast.

176. I slept in a tent at camp once, and in the morning a huge spider was in my bag. I scrambled out and couldn't enter the tent again for half an hour.

177. I like showers more than baths.

178. I know a little French.

179. My favourite accent is Spanish. :)

180. I like Winter more than Summer.

181. My favourite smiley is Tongue Smiley. :P

182. Improper grammar annoys me. :P

183. I can't help correcting people when they make writing mistakes. :)

184. I wrap my legs around things when i'm in bed.

185. I haven't had a wet dream. :O

186. My cats follow me when i go outside.

187. My cat Tiger is snuggled in the chair next to me while i type this.

188. I have 2 middle names.

189. I like Futurama more than The Simpsons.

190. My next story's working title is Hope Hurts.

Here are some pervy ones for you then. ;)

191. I've tasted it, and it's gross. :P

192. Trimmed.

193. Almost 6 inches. lol

194. Uncut.

195. Briefs.

196. Bottom.

197. About 3 times a day. ;)

198. I've done it in every room of my house. :D

Almost done!

199. I really love comments. They are mini-orgasms.

200. I still want a boyfriend more than anything.

Phew.

I'd better get loads of comments on this, bitches. lol

Activism ftw.

Well, lots to say, for once. :O

First though, i'ma wish happy birthday to Jake! I loves u (moar)!

Secondly, unfortunately, kiwi has decided to stop blogging. I'll miss you heaps buddy. You are super-coooooooll. And in the short time i knew you, you had a very positive impact on me. *loves*



Anyways, i thought i'd let you know how my gay youth group thingy is going. :)

Though most of you who ask about it are only interested to know if there are any cute boys. :P

So it hadn't been on for few weeks, but i went yesterday. There were only a few of us but we still got some stuff done. The woman who runs it is also really cool and is helping me out with private stuff. :)

Anyways, what we're doing at the moment is contacting businesses around our city, and finding out if they'd be interested in putting a rainbow sticker on their front window. Just so they can show that their business is a same-sex-attracted friendly place. We reckon that people who feel so shunned in this small-minded community of ours will feel a little better when they see our rainbow stickers. :D

We sent out a couple dozen letters to places a few weeks ago, but we got no replies. D:

So yesterday was spent phoning and asking and following-up. We got a few yes's and one downright no with no explanation. hmph. lol. Some managers didn't even get the letter. And lots just weren't there to ask. Kinda frustrating. But we're being active. :)

Activism is fun. It's built into gays isn't it? lol

So yeah, it's fun. :)



Hmm yeah. So next post up is my 200th post, 200 random facts special. I'll see how i go, but i may have to improvise or something. :P

love!

An Interview With Me.

From Col's Blog.

Figured i'd post this on my own blog so i can link to it.

What he wrote is in black or purple and my answers are blue.

:)

- - -

I'm sure Mirrorboy needs no introduction to most of you, but for those that don't read his blog: Mirrorboy's Blog, he's a 15 year old gay guy from Australia. He has a great sense of humour, a wonderfully creative mind and a very strong character. Oh, and he loves his cats too!

If you don't already read his blog (see link above), please go visit him... you won't be disappointed!

The questions...

How old are you and what do you do?
I'm 15 years old, a student at highschool, and wannabe author.

Are you planning to go to college to study journalism?
I still haven't thought that far ahead. I'm a bit useless when it comes to Uni and stuff.

Your readers will already know of the novel you're creating: "Universes". How are things progressing with that lately?
I'm around 183,000 words. Just finished a chapter, so i'm now planning the next one before i dive into and get stuck as per usual. lol. And i'm up to a really tough bit in it cos i'm following a storyline which doesn't include my main characters. Ya know, i make it up as i go along, and the downside of that is sometimes i work myself into a hole.
Hehe.

So, you live in Victoria, Australia?
I sure do.

We'll talk more about location later, so in the meantime... are you Gay, Bisexual or Confused?
Lol. I am gay

And apart from your creative writing, what other hobbies, interests or pastimes do you have?
Hmm... I like playing games. I would kick anyone's ass at the Wii. :P
Other than that, another hobby of mine is blogging heheh, and other internet stuff ;)
Lol.

What about likes and dislikes, loves and hates? Anything at all from foods to people and religion.
Well that's a hard question...
Which requires an answer lol.
Right... I love English, and boys. I hate... haters. Hate is a strong word. So, i only really 'hate' haters.
That's all you wish to say then?
I don't know, your questions are so broad lol. I need direction!
Erm... do you like school, where you live, pizza, religion, animals etc?
I hate my school and where i live. Now that's a good way to use 'hate'.
Lol.

Who do you fancy/have a crush on at the moment... real, celeb, or cyber?
Lol. I can't just post that on the internet for everyone to see! That's personal lol, i do think Rafael Nadal is hot tho.
Yeah, but we all know about that one lol. Anybody else?
Ummz... depends if porn stars count. XD
Yeah!
Hahaha.
Surely there must be somebody!
Yah, im tryin to think...hmm that's hard. Mitch Hewer's hot ;) but every gay loves him.

What kind of boys do you like?
All boys.
Any particular look that really does it for you?
Lol. Well there are a few that i go for i guess - typical blonde twinks, and long-haired emos. I guess guys with nice hair are what i like, i dunno why though.
Do you have a hair fetish?
I wouldn't call it a fetish. It's just a 'thing', i would say. heheh.
So Emo's... what is about them... the hair, the clothes, the piercings etc?They have piercings right?
Hahahaha, some of them. It's hard to say why... maybe it's the hair.
Lol. So boys again... tall, short, skinny, podgy, smooth, hairy, white, asian....?
Dude, i like all boys. Seriously! I can be attracted to all types. What matters most of all is what's on the inside... corny, but it's true!

So, favourite food?
Chocolate :)

Fave style of music?
Techno, trance, ambient sort of stuff.
All time fave song?
That's always changing haha. For now... it's www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/112372 but it will be different in a few days XD.
Lol.

All time fave book, and fave author (you and yours is not included lol)?
Lord of the Ringses were pretty epic, but i like Eoin Colfer's books the most. Every parent should read their kids Enid Blyton's stories too.

Fave two pieces of clothing?
Lol. I like my cargo shorts/pants... that's it lol.
Oh, ok lol

People who have inspired you?
Mrs. Oc made me want to be an author! I'm so glad i had her as a teacher. She gave me a purpose in life for the first time and i will always remember her for that.

I know you haven't really thought about college/uni, but do you think you will go there as an "out" gay man. Or, is it too early to tell yet?
I would need to have a look around once i got there before i would decide... test the waters, if you will.
That's a fair answer.
Damn right it is, bitch! lol.
Lol. You cheeky little pup!

What are your dreams, aspirations and goals for your future?
Find someone who loves me. That's the big one! Other than that, write some good stuff and get it published. I would love it if Universes was successful. Most immediate goal though, is to escape this crippling little city of mine and head to Melbourne ASAP.
Ok, we'll talk about that later but I'm glad you mentioned the word "successful" there. I've no doubt you will be!
*blushes*

So why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Cos i like it when people ask me questions. haha.
Do you not hope that it may help others?
Of course.

You're an inspiration to many people, young and old(er), how do you feel about that? Any pressure?
I honestly don't think about being an inspiration, i just go about my business, and if that helps people in any small way, then that's fuckin awesome :)
But yes, there is a certain pressure that comes with where i am now. It becomes harder to give each person some individual time, because every few days i meet someone new.
I'm sure that you do, and I'm also sure that each one of those people appreciate the time you give them... including me.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it's totally out of our control.

Ok, when did you realise that you were gay?
Only a couple of years ago.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it, but it took me a lot of struggling and time. I guess between the time of one realising they're gay, and accepting it, they have to admit that it's beyond their control...
Very good point!

Who are you “out” to?
I'm 'out' to 3 family members, and everyone at school. Well i was outed!
When i was outed to my Mum, it wasn't as bad as i expected, so i'm glad she found out.
I was NOT, however, ready to be outed at school, so that was hard beyond belief to deal with, and still is.

For any readers who don't know the story of your "outing" can you give a brief description of what happened?
Gay Porn heheh. The word spread, and soon everybody knew.
Who found the porn?
One of my nosy 'friends'.
Is he still a friend. lol?
I think.

What reactions did you receive?
A lot of negative ones. A few positive. A few weird lol. But kids like the ones in my school can be a bit... mean.

Overall, are you now glad it‘s happened?
I honestly don't know. I mean, i can be myself, but at a large cost.
What cost is that?
Insults, people shouting things at me, teasing, jokes at my expense etc.
It's hard.

So, the next question...What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I worry that the sort of life i live now (one of being teased and laughed at) is one i will have to live in the future. Other than that, i don't worry about much else. I hope that once i get to the big city, people will be more accepting of who i am, and i will have more support.
What about your rights as a gay man, or having children etc?
I'm 15. I don't need to worry about rights yet, lol.
Children - i don't really mind what happens :) If my partner wants, or has children, i will probably be a proud parent heheh.
Lol.

And how have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
My strategy for last year was to ignore it. I tried changing that this year but i quickly reverted to that strategy and it doesn't seem to be going too well for me. lol
Do you think that's the best way, for you at least, to deal with it?
Probably not but i can't manage to change it. The best i can do right now is look for support to help deal with it, even if only on the inside. My self-confidence is a work in progress too. I'm doing my best to be more confident in my physical presence (by doing things like getting contacts and losing weight etc).
That's great, doing what you are doing. Anything that helps you is a step forward, and your answer brings me to my next question...

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
My biggest support was my teacher, Mrs OC. I can talk to her about what i'm going through, and she is helping me the best she can. She also told me about the gay youth group in my city, which i've been to a few times. Unfortunately, Mrs. OC is on long-service leave this year, so i've been without her for a while.

What about other forms of support, like the internet, groups/forums. Or, your blog and on-line friends?
Oh yeah! I don't know what i'd do without my online support. It means the world to me, seriously. It's just beyond words. I can't describe it.

I know that people lean on you, but are there any people on-line that you can lean on?(I mean people you can really talk to.)
Yes. A couple who i really trust.
That's good, you need that trust.

I know you've visited the Gay Youth Group, but do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
Not really. But i guess i can't expect that much from my small city.
Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Haha. Well im already out, so people seeing me enter isnt a problem. But yes, i would look into them.

And how do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Heaps! It's given people in remote places a way to find support, just like it did for me. Not to mention how it helps some people to accept themselves more, and all that icky stuff to do with teen suicide. It gives people support, and that's what gays and bi's need.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
It wouldn't have been easy, to say the least. I can imagine it would have been scary for a lot of people. I guess there would have been a lot of horny guys back then too *jokes* hehe.
Lol. Good one!
*high fives all round*

If you had grown up through those times, what do you think your life would be like now?
I'd be sad i guess... sad that life had been so hard, and that i'd missed out on a lot of things by not having any support.

Ok, now I know we've talked a little about resources, but what do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet...?
Hehe, is that a question or a statement?
Does the internet count? Cos it seems like a pretty obvious answer lol.
Yeah, it counts but what about other gay people, family, or yourself even?
Well the internet brings you closer to other gay people. People need to have support, and the internet can give everyone support... so that's my answer :)
That's fine. There is no right or wrong answer lol.
And also, the internet helps one to become a stronger person.
How?
By giving them support and advice, and help etc. Thus making one stronger, and improving other aspects of life. And, one can accept themself more... and then with more confidence, they will venture out in search of even more support... if ya know what i mean?
Yes, I do. And can all that be said for you then?
Yes.
Good.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Sure do!
Because of reasons you've given earlier on, or are there other reasons too?
I can say what i think and feel without worrying about people knowing who i am. I don't have to worry about reactions or something... i can't explain it any better lol.
That's fine. lol.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Hmm... well i don't really think about it. It doesn't really fuss me what happens. I'm not against it or anything, just, whatever happens, happens, and it's cool.
Ok, but let's say for a moment you did want to... would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't go into a fake straight relationship. I just think that doing that willingly just to get a child, is cruel and selfish. If i wanted to, i would adopt.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene?
I never met my Dad. Mum's story was that he just 'ran away' before i was born, and we never spoke about it since.
How difficult has it been for you... not having a Father while growing up?
Hmm... It's hard to tell. I don't really have much to compare it to. It just became the norm for me, ya know?
Yes
lol

Have you ever felt jealousy towards your friends who have Fathers and "do stuff" with them?
Lol. Well of course, when i was much younger.

Do you think that not having your Father, or a male role model in your life has had an influence on your sexuality?
Nope.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My older cousin is.
Has he been able to help or support you in the past, if you've asked him that is?
I haven't asked, but i know he would if i did ask.
Do you get along with him ok then?
Yeah i guess, but we don't see each other much, or know each other that well.

So, drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Reach out! Take that first step and you will never look back. My first step was typing a nervous first entry into my blog, and look where that got me! Now i'm someone who people can turn to and lean on for support... hey that's funny :)
I started this blog looking for support, and now i've become support for other people.
*feels fuzzy inside* lol
Bless :)
:)

So… based on your life to date as a gay teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would be gay, cos being gay is what i do best. Sexuality is such a big part of my life now, if i weren't gay, i wouldn't be me... and i love boys lol... I want one!
Lol.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Yes. I would live in a big city like Melbourne, because where i am now is full of small-minded and immature people.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would live in the future cos i want to see robots and lasers and crap lol. But seriously, people would be more accepting in the future, so i wish i could live then. But i guess the 21st century is okay. It could be worse.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
O God... Mum's not perfect but she does her best. I won't say anything else.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Yes! I grew up lonely, and always wished i had a brother or sister to play with.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Lol. Lots. Probably due to my image issues... self-confidence etc. I could write you a list :)
Go on then!
Ugh... nose, lips, eyelids, eyebrows, hair, skin, chin and jaw, teeth, ears too!
I thought I was bad lol.
:)
So what do you think is wrong with those?
Nose too big, lips too dry, eyebrows too thick, skin not clear enough, hair too weird and doesn't sit right, eyelids are a little wrinkly or something, my chin is too big, and teeth aren't that good either. Good?
Fab lol, thanks!

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol now you've got me started... pretty much everything, again! You want more detail, again?
Oh yes!
Ugh... hips are too wide, feet are like triangles but with huge arches, hands are too small and a bit boney, and everything else just looks weird or out of proportion... i'm a wreck lol.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Shyness and my physical issues, and maybe a couple of my OCD things lol.
Anything else?
Lol. Dont think so... i like my brain lol, and im glad i have the English skills i do.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Confidence and some sort of sporting ability lol.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes i think so... i see people who are sad and lonely and i just think; i'm sure there's a way out!Everybody has the potential to be happy... EVERYBODY... but they need to stop sabotaging their own freakin lives and make an effort.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Aren't they?
Lol. I say yes, others disagree!
Well if you type 'synonyms for choice' into Google, im sure decision would come up lol... in fact i will!
Lol.
Heheh. 'Synonyms: alternative, appraisal, choosing, cull, cup of tea*, decision...' found it, i was right lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the answers above... what do you think your life would be like at this moment in time?
I can assume i would be happy. I think i had fair answers, considering i kept my personality which is what matters most. Other things would only help me to be happier.
And confidence would play a big part in that?
Yes.

On shelves.

First, thanks for all the supportful comments and emails. It really does mean the world to me.

My new idea for a blog colour combination was... not that popular. Only a few votes for yes on it, so i didn't even bother to let the poll finish. lol

An another note althogether, we watched Pulp Fiction in Creative Writing at school today. Violence and blood, swearing, and unexpected anal rape. O_O



About a week ago, i borrowed a book i'd heard about, from the library... *ruffles through bag*

Hot Hits The Remix by an Aussie author (Bernie Monagle) who visited our school once. It's about a few closeted gay kids who at the start are in year 10 and it goes over a couple of years.

(A couple of months ago, i would have been too afraid or embarassed to even be seen looking at it. I guess there are a few small benefits to being 'out'. At least i don't have to pretend anymore.)

Anyways... This book has got me thinking...

Imagine my blog, on a much larger scale. I write about my life and my experiences on here all the time. Maybe one day, i could put these thoughts into a book.

If this blog is helping a few people online, imagine what i could do if 'my story' was out there on shelves - out there amongst everyone, for anyone who was looking to find and read.

It wouldn't be written the same way as my blog, of course. It would be semi autobiographical, mainly about my coming out, and how i've tried to deal with it and my experiences to do with sexuality.

Of course, i can't actually write it yet. I'm still going through my journey... but perhaps one day...



Don't forget, i AM a writer. I pour most of my life into writing. It might not be that much of a stretch. :)



Here are today's music links. I was only gonna post one, but it was a sad one, so i figured i'd post another one as well. :)

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/164684 Don't listen if you're in a fragile state. It ain't gonna help. Especially the start. Then it moves to what i feel is like desperation and crying out. But that's my interpretation.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/69504 Gets a lot faster and upbeat further on. :)

Don't forget to comment about the songs, plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Why I write this blog. (important post)

Thanks to Torchy for explaining the background colour thing to me. I'll just leave the background how it is, rather than switch my whole layout just to change the colour.

BUT... i can change everything else on my blog's colour. I was messing around before and came up with this example. (click it to see it better)



I'll put up a poll soon for you to vote on whether you like that combo or prefer my current one.



So i was thinking today about why i write my blog, and the reason is that it is my support. For those of you who don't know, this blog was my first contact with the gay world. It was me reaching out in a desperate attempt to find someone who was similar to me.

I was incredibly alone in my struggle, and any sort of discussion or information about sexuality was so unordinary for me. I remember soaking up every little scrap of information about sexuality like a sponge. I'd tape anything on TV with a gay theme, and then i'd sit there, watching it in my room, alone. If i wasn't alone, i'd have the volume turned down low and the remote control nearby, ready to switch it off quick in case someone came in. The mention of anything gay made me blush.

Then i got the internet, and it blew my mind. In a few short months, i quickly began to understand myself more. I would read stories from other gays on websites, like coming-out stories, and just feel so fuzzy and weird. I felt like i was being naughty or something, reading about stuff like that. But it felt good. I now know it was the start of a whole new life for me.

I was learning, but still felt so empty. I knew of this world, but was still not a part of it. And i had no idea how to join. The thought of sending an email to someone was scary. I didn't want to appear as an outsider or a desperate weirdo. So i just observed, and learnt.

Then as i browsed the internet, i discovered these things called blogs. And i realised that there must be some gay ones out there. After some searching, i found some, and i loved them. I gobbled everything up. It was so new to me - all these new things to read and watch and listen to. Mind-blowing.

Then one day, i worked up the guts to leave a comment on a blog. It was just a little one, but the author responded, and made my week. This was a real gay person, who i had made contact with, even only in such a tiny way.

Blogs. Blogs. I couldn't stop thinking about blogs. One day it hit me. This could be a way to make contact, and maybe even one day talk to someone online, who was... gay. Sure, it was such a huge step, when all i wanted to do was make contact, but one night, in the space of 20 minutes before my Mum got home from work, i took a stab, even though i had no idea what i was doing, and the fear of failure or looking like an idiot lurked strong in my mind.

I picked the name mirrorboy, the website, the layout, the address, everything, just like that. And put it up, whipped up a quick little first post, and posted it. I was worried, but tried to appear confident in it.

(Please don't go back and read my first post. It's so cringeworthy. lol)

Then i headed back to my room as my Mum got home, with all the thoughts of the possibilities running through my head for the rest of the night.



That's how it started. Never, ever, ever, in a million years did i think i would end up in a position like this.

I got everything i wanted out of this blog, and more. The main thing, was to make gay friends. And that, i certainly have.

That's why i will defend myself so fucking strongly when people attack me for being full-of-myself. I will never forget how lucky, and privileged i am to be here.



There's one more point i want to make.

I started writing this blog for ME, but that's not the only reason i continue to write it.

What if, in some other corner of the world, there's a young gay boy or girl, living in small city, alone, and secluded from a community they need (and deserve) to be a part of.

I write this blog, to reach out. To let people know that they're not alone. To share my story of where i went from a kid too scared to even write a comment on a blog and taped episodes of Queer As Folk and had to watch in secret, alone, at night, to one who now gets involved in gay issues and makes a difference, and shares his opinion and people listen, and has met so many people and heard so many stories.



And it all happened in less than 6 months.

It blows my mind.

I came here needing help, and people took my hand, listened, and helped me. Now i'm in an amazing position where i can help others too. And i want to. And i do.

My blog has witnessed the births of other blogs, written by people reaching out like i did, perhaps not as scared as me though. ;)

But i'm one of those people now, who can reach out and offer a helping hand, advice, and an ear that's willing to listen. Not just to bloggers, but to anyone who wants it.

And i'm so goddamn fucking thankful to be here.