Tweet 1, last night: He's (Bitboy) an insensitive and confusing asshole. I hate him... So why can't i stop thinking about him every minute? )':
Tweet 2, soon after: God i really need to make some changes to my life. Things can't continue like this -.-
Tweet 3, today during lunch break: There's 2 loves of my life: Bitboy and writing. There's a hole in my soul that won't stop hurting. It's time to reclaim one.
Who would have thought Twitter would help me make important life decisions? :P
Ever since my traumatic school experience, i stopped my beloved writing. I couldn't concentrate because i was just so upset all the time. Then as time progressed and things improved, i'd look back on my half-finished novel and nitpick everything that was wrong or imperfect about it. I continually demotivated myself every time i sat down and looked at the 500 pages of Word documents in front of me, and eventually stopped writing altogether.
Paraphrasing my psychologist: "Sometimes when you don't feel you can do something is when you need to do it the most".
The number one thing i'm most proud of in my life is my writing. It's kept me going in ways i can't even begin to explain. It's been gone from my life for a long time and now i need to take it back, because, frankly, i have no motivation to exist any more. I need something to hang on to, to keep me going.
A couple weeks ago i started a 'Writing Book'. The first thing i wrote in it was the last post that i made on my Words Blog. Since then i've made the first page the 'rules page'. Yes, because my freakin perfectionism kept getting in the way of what i want to do, i've axly had to set rules for the book.
eg. Don't force myself to write, no crossing out, no hesitation (write what comes into my head), nothing is off-limits, nothing needs to be finished, what i write doesn't have to resemble any form of writing (story, poem etc), it doesn't have to make sense... In other words, stop trying to be perfect.
I've heeded my rules and the next thing i decided to write was a guide to oral sex. :P It's unfinished, too, and that's not a problem. The next page is bitching about Bitboy, and then a page of nonsense words, just immediately writing down whatever came into my head - axly an exercise that Mrs OC recommended in an English class once.
What i think i'm going to do in the near future is write down everything that my novel lacks. eg. A timeline, a developing relationship, an organised plot, complex emotion, etc. Then i'm going to try writing a short story for each element, involving it in some way. If i'm going to write a novel one day, and be happy with it, i can't be learning how to write its components as i write the actual thing.
My life is empty, and meaningless right now for me. When i had Bitboy, i had purpose, i had focus, i had a future. Bitboy is gone now, and those things went with him.
I may not be able to get him back, but i'm sure as hell going to reclaim those things, through other means.
I don't have any other choice.
I'd like to keep this untitled.
16 years ago
