More Endings.

Well, surprisingly, today was my last psychologist appointment, and likely the last time i'll see her. She gave me a folder of worksheets and resources that i've used in the past, and the closure documentation is in the mail. And that's that.

It came as a shock to me as i didn't expect today to be the last day, but i guess it makes sense as i didn't really have much to talk about any more, and the stuff that i did, was all positive. The fact that it was such a shock could contribute to me not being too upset or worried, but i think i'll genuinely be okay on my own. And if i'm not, there's plan Bs and Cs.



Reece went home six days ago. Things are harder than i anticipated they would be without him. Having him here made even the most boring of things fun and enjoyable. Every day was awesome with him here, and now they're just... alright.

We're hoping to have him come back sometime around Christmas, and then i'll visit him sometime next year, assuming we're still together. :P



And school. I've been doing mad revision for Maths and English the past few weeks. It's been test exams and revision every day. The end-of-year, end-of-school final exams are only a week away now, the most important ones i've ever done, so things are pretty intense at school.

Before you get excited tho, let me remind you that i'm doing year 11 and 12 of school at the same time, over 2 years, as i'm year 11 age but advanced at doing Maths and English, so i'm doing the year 12 subjects of those. So this won't be my final year of school. I'll be back next year to do a few more year 12s.



But things are good. Mostly good. :)

Memorable Moments #2

March. It was early in the month, when i celebrated 150,000 views, that i started up my other 2 blogs, Secret Project (co-owned with Jake) which was basically boy pics, and Mirrorboy's Words, on which i posted excerpts from my story

2 days later, i started seeing my psychologists (thank God they came into my life). I had a bit of support in my life now, but school was still really hard.

At the end of March, i posted the interview that Col had done with me, and it provides a bit of insight into my life.

April. The 8th, and i was getting ready for my trip to Melbourne, the state's capital city. Not only was it my first holiday, but it showed me that there was a life outside of my crappy, small-minded town. I could at least look forward to the day when i finally leave.

And i had photos. :P

During April was the time i stopped attending school. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it had all become too much. My Mum knew she couldn't keep sending me, so i just stopped going. I didn't make a post about it though, because frankly, it was private.

May. Not much happened in May. I continued not going to school, and instead focusing on trying to get better by working with my psychologists. I also kept going to my gay youth group.

The 22nd was my birthday. I got some really nice bday wishes from my online friends. :) Other than that it was a pretty crappy day. lol

2 days later, i explained everything about school, and life, and i told you about my disorders. I also said that tomorrow i would be starting at a new school (which is my current one). My first day wasn't bad, although i was expectedly nervous.

With a lot on my mind, i took a break from blogging and didn't return until mid-June.

June. I included a post about the kinds of things we get up to at my youth group.

By the 19th, things were starting to get back on track for me, thankfully.

June also had a Q&A post about me, and if you're interested, i showed you pics of where i blog from.

July. My school hours increased. I was also going through a lot of ups and downs. Life was pretty unstable as i juggled blogging with school and my disorders. I used my blog to vent when i needed to.

I also posted some pics of the beach in my city.

At least things were on the up, now.

August. I was busy, and that was good. Inadvertently, i was also being more positive. Things were starting to improve.

And now September. There's not much point in looking back on this month. :P

But i will say, the past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Every single day, things get better for me. Living gets easier.

The time between now and a year ago almost killed me, literally. But i've survived. I've got the scars in my mind and bruises on my soul, but i made it, thanks in no small part to all of you who supported me.

Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

On The 17th Of September...

Mirrorboy and Mirrorboy's Blog turn 1!!

On the 17 of September, 2008, i nervously made my first post. I really didn't have any idea how blogs worked. I didn't know how to link blogs or change colours or anything. I didn't think i'd ever 'make it' in the blog world. It seemed so distant, and frankly unimaginable. It seemed like there were blogs out there full of people who knew what they were doing, while i was clueless.

So i made that first post, right before my Mum came home from work. Then it was my dirty little secret.

This was my first post.

///
So... This is it huh? Who knows what adventures lay ahead for me and my blog in the days ahead... Hopefully i can make you laugh. Hopefully i can make you think. Hopefully you don't get bored with me O_O
This blog is going to be about me and what i think, so i'll give you the quick rundown about me.
I'm 15 years old. I live in Australia. I'm gay and mostly not 'out'. I'm an only child with a single parent. I want so badly to be a creative writer and am working on some books now.
Like me so far? If not, leave. :) (I was worried people would abuse me)
If you come back once i've started proper publishing you'll get to know a lot more about me. I hope you do, cos it will make a lonely boy very happy. :D
Thanks.
///



It makes me quite angry that people seem to think that Mirrorboy, I, had it easy in blogworld.

In the whole month of september... i made 17 nervous posts.

I didn't get a single comment until the 27th of September.

In the whole month i got 6 comments, from about 3 people.

It's funny when i see new bloggers, who might get about a dozen comments a post, complaining about not getting as many comments as me. Yet when i started i got barely any, not even a single one for 10 days.

When i started, this gay/bi blog community of ours simply did not exist. There were no bloggers to ask for help. There were no people to link with and be plugged by and supported. There were no examples to follow. I was on my own. I really did have to build me and my blog up from scratch.



I thought to get people to read i had to make short posts, talk about amusing things and mix it up with funny videos and pictures of cute boys. Every post was a conscious effort to try to draw people in.

I was still finding my feet. I wasn't sure where i was headed, but i was still travelling.

Strangely, although hardly anyone read or cared, i never thought of giving up. And i'm glad i didn't.



Starting a blog was basically a cry for help. I was a lonely gay kid. I had no gay friends in the slightest. I was existing in a world that didn't even want me. I had no one to talk to about what i was going through, and i was as alone as possible.

The reason i started was to reach out. I wanted to meet some gay people who i could talk to. I wanted to feel like i belonged.

My blog is a success.



For the rest of this week, leading up to Mirrorboy's Birthday, i've decided i'm going to celebrate on my blog. At first i felt like dedicating a whole week of posts on my blog to my own blog was a bit over-the-top. But you know what, considering this blog has had an enormous effect on me and everything about me, i think it's justified.

Stay tuned for tomorrow and i'll continue my story. :)

Writing Workshop.

I wrote this in about half an hour at school a few weeks ago.

...

The Sun shone brightly, but my mood was dark. I knew the Sun was there, but all I could see was black. Its light was gone. All light was gone. And I was forgotten. Everyone and everything had seen me, but no eyes were on me now. I felt cold to my core. I used to inspire hope and courage. Now, without me, nothing really changes. No one needed me anymore. They would go on living, as they have their own sources of hope. They had moved on and I was left unneeded. I am unneeded. I would cry out but I have no voice. Even if I had one, my cries would fall on deaf ears. I feel like a skeleton. I feel dead. I am cold, surrounded by darkness.

I feel a pull. Like a tug of rescue pulling me from despair. A crescent of light flashes before my eyes. And I see. I see the Sun. The light grows, and flushes my hopelessness from me. I know now that eyes are on me, and people care. I can feel the light on me, and although it isn't mine, I am happy to carry it till the end, to inspire hope and courage in those who can find no light, and bring them back from their own despair.

I see the Earth again and I am glad. I am happy to be a beacon of light for the Earthlings. I always shall. It is my destiny as the moon, till the end.

...

If there is any meaning to the story it is that the darkness in our life can create false feelings of despair, fear and hopelessness, but if you have that pull of rescue, it will always pass and you will know that there are still some people who care.

Sometimes you just can't see that through the darkness though.

Eh.

Sorry i haven't been posting much. I've just been really down this past week or so. I guess i've had to deal with so much crap for so long, my resistance has just been worn down and down until it's hard to even get out of bed. I haven't been happy for so long. I can barely manage a smile. I sometimes just sit down and cry cos i'm so sick of being me. I wish i had someone else's life and wasn't stuck with my crappy one.

It's mainly the loneliness. And not just your average 'being alone' loneliness. It's the sort of loneliness that builds up and up slowly always inside you. I'm an only child. I grew up alone. I come home alone. I sleep in a room on my own. I play games alone. I've been doing this all my life, and i'm just so sick of it. I just need someone to be here with me, but i feel like i'm never going to get that. I'm going to be alone forever, and too self-conscious and gutless to go out and change it. My inner demons have broken back into my head and i'm beating myself up all the time telling myself everything that's wrong with me. All i want is a hug, or someone to hold me, but i feel like i'm never going to get that cos i'm such a mess of a person.

I feel unlovable.



'It's classic depression' or some shit i hear you say. People will comment telling me to get a grip or stop whinging. It's happened for every other post like this on here. That's why i don't even want to blog. People are so fucking quick to judge, but they have not lived my life. They don't know what it's like to have lived a lonely life for every single day of your existence.

I sometimes feel like i'm lying. People online say they love me, but inside i hate myself so i know they wouldn't love me if they met me.

I'm a mess and i know it.

Ugh. I'm just gonna shut up. This doesn't even make sense and i don't know why i bothered saying it.

Not every day.

I try to be positive, but that doesn't work every day.

It's nights like this - I'm home alone in my bedroom watching TV, Mum's at work for hours, the cats are asleep in other rooms, it's cold, dark, and the crickets are chirping.

It wears me down until i just feel so alone and lonely...

I'm all i've got. It's just me and me.

I don't want to be alone. I hate it.

I know i'm not alone in my loneliness. And that's awful. It's one of the worst things in the world, as far as i'm concerned. So many of us suffer from it. -_-

That's all.

Back to my room now...

love.

Why I write this blog. (important post)

Thanks to Torchy for explaining the background colour thing to me. I'll just leave the background how it is, rather than switch my whole layout just to change the colour.

BUT... i can change everything else on my blog's colour. I was messing around before and came up with this example. (click it to see it better)



I'll put up a poll soon for you to vote on whether you like that combo or prefer my current one.



So i was thinking today about why i write my blog, and the reason is that it is my support. For those of you who don't know, this blog was my first contact with the gay world. It was me reaching out in a desperate attempt to find someone who was similar to me.

I was incredibly alone in my struggle, and any sort of discussion or information about sexuality was so unordinary for me. I remember soaking up every little scrap of information about sexuality like a sponge. I'd tape anything on TV with a gay theme, and then i'd sit there, watching it in my room, alone. If i wasn't alone, i'd have the volume turned down low and the remote control nearby, ready to switch it off quick in case someone came in. The mention of anything gay made me blush.

Then i got the internet, and it blew my mind. In a few short months, i quickly began to understand myself more. I would read stories from other gays on websites, like coming-out stories, and just feel so fuzzy and weird. I felt like i was being naughty or something, reading about stuff like that. But it felt good. I now know it was the start of a whole new life for me.

I was learning, but still felt so empty. I knew of this world, but was still not a part of it. And i had no idea how to join. The thought of sending an email to someone was scary. I didn't want to appear as an outsider or a desperate weirdo. So i just observed, and learnt.

Then as i browsed the internet, i discovered these things called blogs. And i realised that there must be some gay ones out there. After some searching, i found some, and i loved them. I gobbled everything up. It was so new to me - all these new things to read and watch and listen to. Mind-blowing.

Then one day, i worked up the guts to leave a comment on a blog. It was just a little one, but the author responded, and made my week. This was a real gay person, who i had made contact with, even only in such a tiny way.

Blogs. Blogs. I couldn't stop thinking about blogs. One day it hit me. This could be a way to make contact, and maybe even one day talk to someone online, who was... gay. Sure, it was such a huge step, when all i wanted to do was make contact, but one night, in the space of 20 minutes before my Mum got home from work, i took a stab, even though i had no idea what i was doing, and the fear of failure or looking like an idiot lurked strong in my mind.

I picked the name mirrorboy, the website, the layout, the address, everything, just like that. And put it up, whipped up a quick little first post, and posted it. I was worried, but tried to appear confident in it.

(Please don't go back and read my first post. It's so cringeworthy. lol)

Then i headed back to my room as my Mum got home, with all the thoughts of the possibilities running through my head for the rest of the night.



That's how it started. Never, ever, ever, in a million years did i think i would end up in a position like this.

I got everything i wanted out of this blog, and more. The main thing, was to make gay friends. And that, i certainly have.

That's why i will defend myself so fucking strongly when people attack me for being full-of-myself. I will never forget how lucky, and privileged i am to be here.



There's one more point i want to make.

I started writing this blog for ME, but that's not the only reason i continue to write it.

What if, in some other corner of the world, there's a young gay boy or girl, living in small city, alone, and secluded from a community they need (and deserve) to be a part of.

I write this blog, to reach out. To let people know that they're not alone. To share my story of where i went from a kid too scared to even write a comment on a blog and taped episodes of Queer As Folk and had to watch in secret, alone, at night, to one who now gets involved in gay issues and makes a difference, and shares his opinion and people listen, and has met so many people and heard so many stories.



And it all happened in less than 6 months.

It blows my mind.

I came here needing help, and people took my hand, listened, and helped me. Now i'm in an amazing position where i can help others too. And i want to. And i do.

My blog has witnessed the births of other blogs, written by people reaching out like i did, perhaps not as scared as me though. ;)

But i'm one of those people now, who can reach out and offer a helping hand, advice, and an ear that's willing to listen. Not just to bloggers, but to anyone who wants it.

And i'm so goddamn fucking thankful to be here.

I feel sick.

Today is the last day of the school holidays, and tomorrow, i'm back at school for 11 months.

I can't help it. I feel physically sick in my gut thinking about it, and i can't not think about it, cos i have all these things to do to get ready for tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm the only 'out' one there amongst a bunch of small-minded pricks to whom being gay is something so out-of-the-ordinary and such a big deal. And they like making 'it' a big deal. I was called names and teased and picked on and laughed at and i just don't want to go back to that.

It just doesn't seem fucking fair. Why do i have to live this? Why do I have to be the one who goes through all of this? My self-esteem and confidence was already in tatters before, and then THIS happened!? I don't know how i can deal with it. Last year was crushing me. It got worse every single day, right up until school was over. I was so relieved because i would get a short break. But now, i'm back for a whole year. I can't get away. I have no big breaks to look forward to. It will be day, after day, after day, of the same thing. If things haven't improved on last year, i just don't know how i'll survive.

Don't forget on top of all that, i'm supposed to be learning and working. How can i in a place like that? That's just even more pressure.

I'm scared. I'm just scared.

I feel sick, and i'm scared, and i'm trapped, and there's no way out. I'm stuck in this place, with these people, 6 and a half hours a day, 5 days a week, for 10 and a half months. And there's nothing i can do.

And i'm all alone. Even the one person i could trust, Mrs OC, is taking long-service leave.

I don't know if i can handle this. I worry it's going to crush me.

Heartbreaking.

We are ALL lucky. Yes. All of us.

Every single one of you reading these words is lucky... because that means that you are part of our blogging community and can get support from us at any time, just like AJ did.

But what i find so sad, is the fact that there are people out there, every single day, who find themselves in similar situations to AJ, and yet cannot get any support at all...

What they must be going through... well... it just hurts to think about.

They won't be able to find support. They won't be able to get advice. They won't be able to vent. They won't be able to express what is wrong to anyone.

What do they do, when dark thoughts creep into their head?

It's just so sad.

Sorry. That's just what was on my mind tonight...

===>mirrorboy<===

75,000 views! :D

Yes, Mirrorboy's Blog is celebrating 75,000 views. :)

My blog has changed my life in such incredible ways... that i cannot imagine what life would be like without it.

I think that i will be around our little blog world for a long time to come. Even if Mirrorboy's Blog comes to a close, i will always be here, in some form or another... It has affected me in so many ways, and many of them are incredibly positive. It means so much to me.



For once, i feel like i belong to something. Before i did this, i was just a miserable little kid. I'd barely spoken to another gay being, and that made me feel so alone and weird.

Life sucked. I could not be myself. Not only was in in the closet, but i had no way of being me to anyone. And i saw absolutely no way out.

And yet, after i took that one first step into the blogging world, which i felt very apprehensive about, i now have this... or rather, i have all of you, and you've all seriously opened up my eyes. I cannot express that enough. The world is a big place full of wonderful and amazing people...

And before i met you... i thought the world was a very unkind place to live in.



So, i want to express to all of you, a profound thanks, from the bottom of my heart, for simply accepting me, and you know i mean that to ALL of you. Even you cute little silent readers, who i know are there... i'll keep doing this for you, as well as myself.

It is literally an honour to be a part of something so... just plain special, and to share myself with the part of the world who won't reject me.

I would say i am lucky... but to be honest... i got here on my own hard work! LOL! Suck on that!

Yep. I've put a lot of time and effort into this. And it was hard... but you only get out what you put in. And it was all worth it. :)



Now forgive me while i suddenly seem to change the topic...



I believe in karma... and not in some weird spirit and soul way... lol

Simply, show a little bit of kindness for someone, care about them, lend them your ear and give them your opinion when they ask for it, and they will be better for it, and they will remember you.

And when you do that for a bunch of people, you make a lot of wonderful friends who would do the same for you.

That is karma for ya, at least the way that i like to interpret it.



Also, when we all care about each other, there is no problem that one of us can not overcome, because we will be united.

Whether by actually being there in person, or sending your support, or offering your knowledge, or simply loving the person, we can all do something special.

That is what we have in our little blog community... and we are truly lucky. When any of us or our readers have a problem, they can come to us for help.

I don't know what else to say... other than that is a truly special thing...



Okay, time to finish before this post gets even more bizarre... This was a 15yo giving advice to all of you on how to care for one another. LOL

How strange...

Although that is the beauty of having a blog. I can say what i want, and none of you can stop me! :D



lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===



Hope i made sense... I'm never sure anymore... :P

I don't know what to do anymore...

I've been denying all my online friends the explanation behind my strange mood recently. I guess it's time to spill. I need to spill because everything inside me is slowly killing me.



I guess we start with what the effects of me coming out were...

Well, what were once friendships, quickly turned awkward. After a while, that turned into what i thought was acceptance, but eventually that turned into everyday crude jokes at my expense, and more recently as you've probably figured out if you actually read my blog, a little bit of cyber abuse.

They said they didn't care but my friends will never see me in the same light again.



I was once the kid at school that a lot of people didn't like for no reason in particular. Of course now, they have a reason. I am now the kid that people hate because he is gay - an excuse to single me out.

The honest truth is, that at my school, anybody who is even slightly different is singled-out and made fun of. I'm the GAY ONE.

Being 'out' has caused me countless terrible sleepless nights. I feel like every little snide comment and rumour and laugh and joke is just entering my head and getting trapped and it just builds up and up and up without ever releasing any of the growing pressure and it just escalates and gets worse all the time and i get more stressed and worried and i feel that it's just going to keep building up without an escape and eventually my head is just going to fucking explode and i'm going to collapse into a broken little mess.

...As proud as i am of being gay... recently i've just been wishing that i didn't have to go through this. Being gay is just too hard and i've got so much other stuff to deal with like school subjects and our money situation (which just got 10 times worse with my booklist arriving), getting a job and making 'friends'... I don't even know who i am anymore. Why do i have to have this filling up my already cluttered head? Why can't it just go away and not be any trouble? I don't want to be this any more.

...And yet, the cold truth is that not only will i always be gay, but i will never be allowed back into the closet at school... And what i would give to be back in there now - warm and sheltered from what i'm going through at the moment. I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a shield that used to protect me. It kept me safe from the harsh world that i don't think i'm ready to deal with.

I've come a long way, yes, but the path i'm on has no end. If i keep following this path eventually my legs will give way and i'll just collapse spectacularly and not be able to get back up again...



I'm trying my best to make sense of what's going on inside my crazy head, because i don't know and i have no idea what to do.

I'm just a bit of everything - worried, fed-up, tired, scared, sad... but mostly, stressed, confused and angry.

I'm worried about my blog, fed-up with the routine, tired of all the work, scared of what i continually receive at school, sad about so many things, stressed about school, confused about where to go and what to do from here, and above all else... angry at myself. And that's where i think my problems all start. I've continually fucked myself up my whole life.



Let's get serious.

I have hated myself since i can remember. I hate 99% of everything to do with me. Ask me to name the good things about me, and after my writing (which i still find ways to pick on myself about), my desire to be nice to everyone, and my sense of humour which helps other people feel better... I get stuck and that's the honest truth.

Oh fuck... I don't even know where this post is going... This is just what's in my head and it doesn't even make sense to me.



School is killing me. This dead-end town is killing me, and ultimately i will bring about my own downfall through my own fucking stupidity. Don't believe me?



It all started with that gay crap on my USB which was how i was 'outed'. It takes a pretty stupid idiot to be so stupid as to put that on there. I'm so stupid i can't believe it sometimes.

And then, oh yes, i used the same email address for this blog that was already my personal one.

I originally set my blog to show up on search engines. Now anyone can find me by typing in my email address. Major fuck-up.



And of course, why did i share so much personal stuff on here?

I'll tell you why! Because here i was 'Mirrorboy' and not 'Dusty'!

I was anonymous here, and yet i become less anonymous every day. Before we know it i may have brought about my first and only safe haven's demise through yet again, my own stupidity.



I have no idea how much longer Mirrorboy has left. Any day from now, i may decide to kill him before he fucks up Dusty's life even more.

Mirrorboy only lives in the blogosphere and he would never survive in the real world. Dusty has to live in the real world. Dusty has learnt to hide his soul and true feelings and yet Mirrorboy has been doing the opposite ever since he was created. The 2 cannot become 1.

In real life Mirrorboy must forever hide inside me. If he starts to come out, then i need to kill him before he does any damage. I do love him dearly and it would utterly break my heart to get rid of him but there would be no other choice... because Mirrorboy is my true self.

Yet my true self cannot exist in the real world.



I've shot myself in the foot every time i've aimed for something higher my whole life.

I am the reason my life is awful. My self-hatred has ruled me my entire life. I mean wtf? Am i subconsciously sabotaging my own life because that seems to be the only situation that makes sense because nobody can be that fucking stupid.

Even THIS POST will fuck me up even more because people who know me personally will be reading this, and it's times like that that i wish i could go back to 'Mirrorboy' anonymously... and never have Dusty and Mirrorboy cross paths away from my computer.

Jut like i wish i could go back to being in the closet.

Just like i wish i could undo all those major fuck-ups that have ruined my life so far.



Every day just gets harder to cope with. And i'm 15! For fuck sake! I'm just a kid and i don't want this shit in my head.

Reality bites and anonymity is bliss, but i've got the worst of both worlds. Living my life is destroying my soul little-by-little. I can never smile and mean it any more. When i'm talking to my online friends who are genuinely good people, as long as my mind is not on 'me' then i can forget all my troubles briefly and be happy.

But in the end, i go back to Dusty, every day, and every night. I will always be Dusty and that scares the crap out of me because that's the last thing i want.



That's my life right now - getting worse all the time. To those who don't care, you shouldn't be reading in the first place... To all the others, well, i don't mean to burden you. Sometimes i feel i don't deserve your love. That's why i just feel so empty inside, underneath all of the stress. I feel like none of you would ever love Dusty as much as you love Mirrorboy. I know Dusty best, and i hate myself.



So where does my life go now? What does a twisted kid like me do? What am i in for? What does my future hold?

Most probably, more sadness and stress, more confusion and anger and abuse, and more hating myself.



And that's it. I've bared my soul for perhaps the last time. It felt good to be honest because yet again i've put myself out there for you to ponder over, at my own risk.

But this could just be the cliffhanger to a story that will never be continued.

===><===





And no doubt i'll regret posting this...

Bittersweet.

As much as i'm happy for a few of my blogging buddies, who are having a great time in their lives... i'm sad.

Watching a romance movie that warms your heart, then turning off the TV and being met by the cold dark loneliness of silence...

Is akin to reading about people who have great friends and people who love them, then returning to my own life, and realising how lonely i am.

Sure, i'm happy that i've got this medium through which i've met so many friends. Writing a blog has been great.

But i can't hang out with any of you. None of you can be here for me, unless i'm sitting in front of the computer, oh, and if i want to talk, you have to be in front of yours as well.

As much as i love my online buddies, none of them can compare to a true friend who you can see each day, and touch, and call, and visit, and smile with and laugh with.

Where is that person who i can share my life with? It doesn't have to be a boyfriend as such, just someone i can be honest with, and someone who understands me.

I worry that i may never find someone special. This sounds bizarre, but even though i'm still only 15, i feel like life is slowly ticking away, because i don't think i've made much progress.

I don't want to be one of those people who is alone for the prime of their life.

I want to grow up with someone.

But there simply is nobody for me at this stage.

And i cannot meet anyone.

From now on, i'm wishing myself luck. I'm always wishing everyone else good luck, but now i'm going to stockpile some for myself. I think i need it more than you.

As always, love,

===>mirrorboy<===

And yeah, i've still got the flu. Ain't that fun?