Monday, October 13, 2008

What just happened?

What a bizarre day. I leave it with mixed feelings.

It started when i walked into the classroom.

Guess what? The two guys in my class who i needed to talk about, because they were the two who i thought knew, didn't show up today! O_O

Already i was disappointed. I was full to the brim with gay pride. I was ready to give them a piece of me. My heart was thumping and i had a million thoughts running through my head about how i was going to deal with this and...

it was just three people. Matthew, and two other friends. Those two others didn't even know yet.

So the first 2 periods were like normal.

Then at recess, the library was closed, which me and Matthew usually go to and i work on my story.

We headed back to the lockers, where our other friends hang out.

Now the friend who supposedly found my stuff, is in another class, so i hadn't seen him until then. I knew he'd be there though.

My heart was really thumping now. This was it. What would he say? It would be in front of a lot of my other friends, some of whom i didn't want to know about me.

Me and Matthew showed up and... nothing.

Nothing. He said nothing. It was like normal.


I thought when i got to school i'd be jumped on with a million questions.

But here i am, standing amongst my friends, and the one who found my stuff in the first place is acting like nothing's happened.

At least i know that it hasn't been blabbed to everyone, yet.

Everything went like normal for a while, until one of my other friends asked me why my MSN message was 'i guess i have a bit of explaining to do', which i'd put up to try to talk to the ones who found it.

I brushed off the question, then he asked if it was about what happened with my USB.

I said 'maybe'.

He went 'oh right,' and walked off.

Then some random kid i don't really like walked up to me and asked me if i was gay. I said it wasn't any of his business. He said 'i'll take that as a yes.'

And there, he knew i was gay.

After that, the friend who found the stuff came over, and told me he'd found it. We joked about it, and asked if i really was gay.

"Haha, what do you think? You found my stash."

"Yeah, so you are."

We talked for a while, and he said he was okay with it.

I also found out from him that the other friends i have are okay with it, i think.

He also told me that one of my other friends had found a few movies on my own pc a while ago, and had thought i was gay for a while, but i didn't get to talk to him.

So that was weird.

A lot of the day was a blur.

Still, as of now, i don't know who knows that i'm gay.

It's obvious that those friends who don't know, will find out very soon, and it also seems that my sexuality will be known throughout my whole grade, in time.

And... that's okay.

If i am outed, that's okay.

I'll be myself. I'll be honest. If i'm accepted, that's great. If people take it upon themselves to pick on me, i'll tell them to get f**ked.

Although i'm 99% positive that it won't be seen as a big deal, and i know that people will forget about it in time.

So overall, it was a decent day.

I'm still waiting for the chance to talk to the friends who didn't come to school today, and i also still don't know just who knows. And i wish i did.

But it's okay. I'll be okay. My friends are still my friends, and i'm closer to them than before. I don't have to pretend around them anymore, and the ones i've talked to don't care about my sexuality.

I hope things don't take a turn for the worse in the following days... because that is possible.

But, even if they do, i will be okay. There's no doubt about that.

Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot.

I checked my emails and comments before i left this morning (even though i was running insanely late) and you all make me smile.

I wouldn't have been so strong without you.

Lots of love,



Landyn said...

im happy for u dude, things really couldn't have gone any better in a high school setting at least.

im so happy that ur okay...u are handling it really well :D

Love ya buddy, talk to u soon

Anonymous said...

Yay!!!!!!!!!! It happened how it happened for a reason. Let yourself trust it. The universe takes care of good people. You just became a more courageous person! I'm proud of you! Just think that there are others at school with the same feelings, and they are watching you. Your courage and strength will be an example for them, and as always, WE are here for you. ::hug::


steevo said...

nice nice nice

if u exude confidence and show no shame or much anxiety... that lets them relax and treat u like always...

if someone does get crappy... see my previous idea...

"Well, too bad u think that way. If you ever change yer mind, maybe we can talk then..."

just don't let their stupidity control you... IMHO as always...

g'nite from cali

victor said...

this is good, i'm happy you're ok, and nothing happened. hang in there, i suspect you've gotten over the worst part. see us later then.

JC said...

yea it couldnt have come any better, but keep that attuide and you will real do fine and hopefully see doors start opening. good job

naturgesetz said...

I'm glad it worked out so well for you.

Simon said...

things are WELL gonna be on the up then for you ey? lol WELL good. LOL :D :D :D :D

Anonymous said...

Our great old gay writer "Gore Vidal" says there is no such thing as gay only gay sex acts.

I have been thinking lately about how liberating that thought is. It opens up all of us.