Thursday, December 31, 2009

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.

I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."

And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.

Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.

What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.

I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Buying Presents on Christmas Eve. :D

Not very fun at all. O_O

Soooo what's up with me? Well i've been trying to keep in contact with Bboy any way i can. We talk, and text, and play WoW together when we can. It was a lot harder going back to being alone once he left than i thought it would be. But regular contact with him makes it a bit easier.

I've been doing a lot of homework from my psych. Apparently most of the issues i have revolve around my low self-esteem, so that's what i'm working on.

I'm also trying to feel more. After i've been hurt so much in the past, i've become a very protective person. I shield myself to stop myself from being hurt again. In the process, i've shut out the good and the bad, so my emotions have become quite dulled. But again, i'm working on that too. I have to do this thing where i choose an event, and then list all the feelings i felt, and the thoughts associated with each feeling. It was quite fun axly. :)

I could go into SO much detail about my psych stuff but you'd all get bored. :P

In other news, i obviously haven't been around blogworld for a while now: not reading many other blogs, not commenting, not going on msn much etc. I think it's quite apparent to all of us that i'm not going to be around the blogosphere for much longer. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew so that it isn't a surprise when i leave for good one day. :)

Rest assured that doesn't mean you won't hear from me again. I'll still use msn and reply to emails and such. In fact without my blog i'll probly be able to do that more often. When i leave i'll be sure to leave my contact details for anyone who wishes to get in touch.

Anyways i've gotta go wrap my Mum's presents before she gets home.

Merry Christmas everyone. <3

Btw i've got an important post planned for the end of they year. :O

Sunday, December 20, 2009

How I Met Bitboy.

(Sorry for the long post but it does have a rather strong point to it) :)

You know i've always been incredibly interested in how one small action can have huge implications. In fact i often find myself thinking 'where will this action or decision lead me in the future?' when i'm at a crossroads. It's why i strive do always be nice whenever i can, because you never know when a nice action can lead to a new friend.

I think the majority of my readers also came across me and my blog through internet searches or clicking random links. If you'd typed something a little different, clicked a link above or below, or not even been on the computer that day, you might not know i existed. And many of my blog readers are good friends that have enriched my life a lot.

Well on to the point of this post. It's how i met Bitboy.

Before i got WoW, i used to play this game called Knight Online. And it was a horrible game, utterly terrible, it was. Basically it was ruled by hackers and bots. The only way to level up was to find yourself a hacker to be in a group with. And then there were the bugs and glitches, and typos. Oh god, the typos. When what you were told to do was coherent enough to understand, there would be a glitch or two that made it impossible to do.

And the gameplay was bad enough too. There were warriors, mages, rogues and priests. You could only wear armour designed for your class, and the only decent stuff was so hard to get, only people who hacked or cheated to get money could buy it. The same goes for weapons. Even low levels could wield ridiculously overpowered weapons, if they had money, that is. And the music was the same goddamn track over and over and over again.

But i digress. One day while playing this horrible game, i entered an event and was put in a group with a mage called Weebs. He did his job well and saved my virtual ass many times. After the event was over i saw him back in town and said he did a good job, and he said i did as well (both with a smiley). Then we parted our separate ways.

I was in a group with someone doing a quest later, when i ran into him in another town. Weebs knew the person i was grouping with, so we all started talking. By the time the other person had left, me and Weebs were getting along quite well.

It was then that i found that Weebs was actually an Australian. We kept talking, and decided we would play together when we could. Later on, we were partying with an American who made some rather homophobic remarks. :P Meanwhile i am very much a hint-dropper. I guess i could explain it in that i try to get a read on a person's like or dislike of gays by making borderline sexual remarks or innuendo. Does that make sense? o_O Sometimes people will act positively, others will freak out at even the slightest hint of a hug.

Anyways it worked better than i expected. By the time we got back to the main town and were alone again, Weebs asked me 'are you bi?'. I replied with something like 'you're half right lol'. He'd picked up on my semi-obvious remarks, and when i told him i was gay, he in turn said he was bi. That's when i started to go like (O_O).

'Omg' i was thinking, 'he's Australian, he likes boys, and he's a teenager'. That's an incredible lot to have in common in a game in which the majority don't even speak English. 'AND HE'S NICE!'

Soon after, i showed him the address to my blog. Then our game conversations turned to MSN conversations. Within a few days of knowing each other, i was beginning to like him, a lot. And he liked me too. It got to the point where i would only bother playing the game to see him and have his 'company'.

When he said he wanted to leave Knight Online to go back to playing World of Warcraft, i decided i had no choice but to buy it and start playing it. Being around him, even online, made me so happy. We both made new characters, and went through the levelling process together. And let me just say, WoW is infinitely better than KO. :P

The rest is history.

The fact is, if i hadn't been playing Knight Online, on that day, at that time, and entered that event (meeting Weebs), and afterwards entered a group that lead me to a town in which Weebs was at at the same time, and having Weebs know the person i was grouping with, giving us a reason to talk more... I might not have had a boyfriend for 2 weeks, 2 weeks in which i was the happiest i've been for years.

That's why i'll always be thankful for that horrible game.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bitboy's Gone.

He caught the train back to Melbourne today, on the way home to Sydney. I was teary after his train left but it's so hot and dry outside that my tears dried up straight away.

I must say that his stay here went... perfectly. We got along really well, even if we did have a few fights - nothing major and it always resulted in more cuddles. :P My cats liked him. Tiger brought him home some birds, one of which he then proceeded to eat in front of Bboy. o_O He left a single leg amongst the feathers. Nom nom. My Mum liked him a lot too. "Can we keep him??" she said. He bought her a big box of chocolates as a thank you gift, which was nice. I, of course, ate some. :D Thanks Bboy. :D He even got along with my Grandma really well. Whether or not she clued on that we were an item, i don't know. But she liked him. :)

Now i have to go back to living a single life. I dunno how i'll cope. It will be really strange sleeping alone tonight, waking up alone. I'll have to find something to entertain me. I'll have to adjust to not having arms around me and someone warm to snuggle against. I might even miss his slobbery kisses... maybe. :P

What is most of concern right now is what will happen between him and his family when he gets home tonight. Will they stop trying to prevent him from contacting me after he's spent over 2 weeks with me? Will they still try to take away his independance, after he took things into his own hands and left unnanounced? It seems kind of pointless to me, because when they push he'll only fight back harder, but it's all down to what they think, and if they can realise that.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

300th Post. :O

Well, recently. lol. I totally forgot about #300. It was a few posts ago. Ehhhhhhhh i don't have anything planned. So just expect something really good for 400. :P

'On-hiatus'-blogger (his words, not mine :P) Spencer came over to visit me and meet Bitboy today. :P He's doing well, working in event management in Melbourne occasionally. And Bitboy says he's looking good too. *suspicious* >.>

Bitboy just had a shower. Now he's sitting at the table eating biscuits. Not much else to say. :P

I'm starting to like my life. :)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Oh Hai!

Sorry i haven't been posting much. Frankly i have better things to do. :P But i figured it was time for an update. :) I know how me being happy makes you guys happy/jealous and spiteful. :D

It's funny how after all the struggles me and Bitboy had to go through to get here, things ended up working out... perfectly. He really brightens up my life. He gets along really well with my Mum and Grandma, and the cats don't mind him - Tiger just wants BB to feed him, and Jemima has already decided that she owns him, so she'll let him stay.

I can never tell myself that i'm unloveable any more. I can no longer say that i'm incapable of having a relationship, or being happy. BB loves me for who i am and that is something i thought i would never have. Also him being here has done a lot for my self esteem. Many of the things that i used to hate about myself i now don't even think about. He has helped me to feel normal, and sometimes even special.

Not to mention that i can now say i've loved and been loved. I can say i've been snuggled and held and hugged and kissed (even if kisses are gross). And there's also the sorts of things i wouldn't dare repeat here. :P I can wake up in the morning and open my eyes to see a (cute) boy laying next to me. It's quite pleasant, to say the least. :) And whenever i want to i can have someone to wrap my arms (and legs sometimes) around. :P

Things are going well, really well. I'm happy, genuinely happy for the first time in many months.

Dunno what else to say. :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Bitboy made a post. :P


Kissing on the lips is gross.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I Love You All. :P

:O I Love Mirrorboy Day. :O

Wow. Well uhh. Thank you so much. O_O That was totally unexpected, but a very, very nice surprise. :)

The reason i ever started a blog was to find some acceptance and support. I've gotten all of that and so much more. Blogworld has been so important to me and my life, so if there was anything i could do to bring some of that magic to other people's lives i would do it. I'm glad i seem to have been able to do that.

I know everyone made their posts in the hopes of cheering me up, but to be honest, i don't need cheering up at all. Today and yesterday held a lot of firsts, the sorts of firsts that i've ached for as long as i can remember. So right now, life is going just fine. :)

Again, being a part of blogworld is my pleasure.

Thanks everyone. <3


I couldn't be happier. :)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Bitboy Is Coming, Today.

He had to lie to his parents. They think he's playing golf with a friend.

But he went to the airport, and caught a flight to Melbourne. When he got to Melb he met up with my friend, the one i hung out with went i went to Melbourne last April or May or whatever it was. :P My friend helped him get to the train station. It was win-win because he helped Bitboy, and it also lets my Mum know that he is who he says he is before he gets here.

His train is due to arrive in town in... 1 hour and 15 minutes. I'll be meeting him at the station.

And i'm nervous as hell. :S