Thursday, December 31, 2009

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

32 comments:

Winter said...

it must have been quite a rollercoaster for you, but i think things can only get better for you from now on :) gone through similar experiences myself and changed quite a lot in 2009. take care and hugs mboy!

Mr. HCI said...

I've never read post that actually made me cry. Until now.

I'm so proud of you and so happy for you.

This is not an "I told you so," but I remember telling you sooooo many times in comments that you were going to make it through. That you're stronger than you think and a wonderful person and one day you were going to make some lucky boy very happy. Most importantly, though (to me), I had confidence in you, even if you didn't. I imagine most of the time you probably didn't believe me.

I don't know what else to say other than, "You go, boy!"

Ben said...

I'm so glad that this year turned out well for you. You're such an amazing guy and you deserve nothing less than pure happiness and a perfect boyfriend named Bitboy. I only started reading your blog a few months ago, when you were on your rebound. But I know what you went through and I hope that you never have to go through anything even close to that ever again. Your such a strong person and You're going to be truly missed when you decide to move on. I love you. We all love you.

Ps. Just a head-up. I'm working on a post for you. I'll probably send you an email or drop a comment when it's done..

Formysake said...

yay for growing up!

victor said...

you've come a long way this past year. congrats on that. and here's to a great new year also.

John said...

Yes, your quite the Man now !

Thanks for letting me come along for the ride. It has`nt always been
easy sitting here so close yet so far watching you go thru all of this unable to really help you ?

Just send you a mail and get you pissed off (again)!
But here you are now, so big and so strong ready to take on the world !

Thats my Boy ! Go gett`m !

Aek said...

Like a phoenix from its ashes, it is Mboy. I'm glad you've risen from your darkest days ready to pursue what the new dawns have to offer. I hope 2010 brings you more joy and more strength than before. :-)

tom said...

isn't 'tires' 'tyres'?

Ethan said...

Hey M-boy
I don't know you very well but I did glace through your post from the beginning when I 1st came to blogger and I can say from someone who hasn't followed you that long I can see the change in the tone of your overall posts

I do know you mean a lot to people here on blogger and I just want to say whatever you do in 2010 I hope you have great success

Take Care
Ethan

Just said...

Very powerful post Mboy ... was blow away ... I am only hoping for even better for you next year... ( glad you rebuild your car lol ) Great way to relate it to us ...Thanks Lee

Eirik said...

yes you are strong and really from the posts I have read, a good human being; and that is more than we can say for most people.

I have this friend and I wont get into details, but he is in prison and has been there for a number of years. I asked him one time if he could do it all over again what would he change? He looked at me in the eye and said, "Nothing." I was all, "There has to be something!" and he told me that if he was to change one thing then he wouldn't be the person that he is today and he went on to tell me that he like who he is - he doesn't like his situation, but he truly believes he is a better man for it.

You're a stud - hang tough & hugs!

AJCon89 said...

So happy you turned it around to end off the year on a positive...

hopefully we can both have an amazing 2010... and 2011 and 2012... and so on...
lol

Love you and happy new year.

Peace,
AJ

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your life with us. I wish you all the happiness for you for 2010.

naturgesetz said...

Your story ought to be a great inspiration and encouragement for anybody else who feels his life is intolerable. And that's very good. But even better is the fact that you have emerged from the past year in such a fine state of mind. I'm really happy for you.

G said...

Well Mirrorboy, you are a true inspiration to us all.
Well done for getting through an extremely tough year, and thank you for allowing us to share in it with you.
I'm so proud of you! I really am! I've been through similar situations in my life and so realise just how hard things must have been for you. That you have come through, and done it so well is truly a testament to who you are, to your inner beauty and all that makes you the person we all love and care about.
I wish you all the best for a fantastic 2010.
Lots of love and a {{Hug}} from Graham

J said...

Of all the great things you relate and have achieved, the greatest is your refusal to be a victim.

xthecouragex said...

MBoy...

What can I say? I'm also in tears after reading this. You're such an amazing guy and I'm glad that this year you've been able to discover that.

If anything this year has shown that life will have its ups and downs, but you can get through all of that. And I have no doubt that you will. You're a stronger person than I will ever be. I've said that from the start.

I cant even put into words how happy I am to have known you and gotten to be a part of your life, as little as that part may have been. I remember at one point a while ago back I told you that I looked at you as a little brother, but in reality you mentored me hundreds of times more than I was able to help you. I will be forever grateful to you for what you've done and continue to do for me.

I'm sad to see you stop blogging, but I look forward to still getting to talk to you once in a while.

I know this is getting long and I don't want to write you a novel as a comment so I'll shut up =P

Just know that I wish you the best in 2010 and beyond. I love you MBoy more than I show and I'm extremely proud of you.

Love,
Drew

cody said...

wow.... that got me teary-eyed :)... great write

kinkynik said...

Well done.

Life may not brilliant but it's the only one you get.

Enjoy it not endure it.

Happy new year.

BI LIKE ME said...

The saying is: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I think that applies here.

The moral of your story is really that even though you may have had many mechanics, or other people helping you along the way, the power was really inside you to change your course in life.

Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you just had to find it out for yourself. Now that you've learned the skills needed, those magic slippers can take you "home" any time you fall off course.

Have a happy and safe new year.

Wet Kyle said...

Happy New Year. I started following your blog around your birthday when a fellow blogger wrote "Unless you live under a rock, you know that tomorrow is Mirrorboy's birthday."

I guess I lived under a rock..Until then.
Keep on blogging.
Cheers.

cvn70 said...

Mboy

All i can say is that iwas along for the ride and i am glad you have made it to the top of those mountains

And if you ever need a helping hand mine is always ther for you my friend. Please dont be a stranger

take care and be safe, HUGS

bob

podoli said...

MB,
A well written account of what must have been a trying and also rewarding year. Congrats on taking the right steps to fix the automobile. Be strong in 2010. We hope to keep hearing about your successes.

BitBoy said...

My dearest Mboy,
Wow, what an amazing post! To be honest, i learnt a hell of a lot about what you went thru in that post then reading ur entire blog! You are a resilient, tough (but still sensitive XD) guy and i wish you all the best for 2010 and will be there every single step of the way. Love you, miss you <3

WkBoy714 said...

Hm, I guess you owe your psychologists quite a lot. It's good that they could help you.

I hope you stay strong and remember your friends,
good luck for next year.

Ray's Blog said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Love and Hugs,
Mike

Jeremy said...

:)

Reddecatur said...

Happy New Year, MB!

Rowan D said...

What a post Mirrorboy.
I can only say that i wish i was around to try and add a little support when you were down.
But you summed everything up perfectly and your car metaphor was great i think.
Glad you had the best year of your life so far.

Happy New Year,
Rowan

Kevin Wilson said...

You're starting 2010 on a high note with many successes under your belt despite the difficulties you've had to put up with in getting to this point.

Keep working towards a brighter future for yourself and keep climbing over the obstacles that get in your way. There's plenty of people who will give you a hand or a leg up.

Happy New Year and see you on MSN every now and then. :-)

Seth said...

I'm so sorry, I bookmarked this and forgot to come back to it.

I am so proud of you, M-boy. You HAVE come such a long way, and been through so much, as I've said before, I do know exactly where you have been on those dark days.

Hopefully this new year will bring only bright and wonderful days for you.

*hugs*

jaygeemmm said...

OK, 2nd comment before I finish the entire blog (to get up to date). I share Mr. HCI's sentiments...your blog has made me cry...and laugh, too. Both with joy and sadness. And so much of my teen years mirrored your last year in so many ways. I still struggle, every day, but seeing that a teen in a small town in Australia can make it gives me hope that I, too, can muddle on through. I'm looking forward to finishing up the blog this evening!
Jay