Saturday, September 12, 2009

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.

Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?

Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.


John said...

Yes, so sad you know and I`m afraid I was`nt the best friend to you, I`m sorry for that.
But at the time I said what I thought was best, you know ?
But it`s past now and your on the up swing no end in site !

Dave83201 said...

The more you write about the problems you've endured in life, the more others who read your blog and share those problems will see that they are not alone. They will see that it is possible to not just survive life's challenges, but thrive, if they hang on. You'll never know how many you've helped by sharing your story.

Ryan said...

I know no one on here knows me but I have been a youth councelor before and still fill the role to many in my life. Im just sorry i discovered this blogging thing too late to be there for you and the others I am sure are goign through it. But hope finds a way, you are indeed still kicking and posting and bringing hope to others now.

Good job on everything you have done. Tons of love, a few hugs and a pat on the back,


Planetx_123 said...

Yea- I read some of those old posts way back then, and I remember that right around that time was when I found your blog. I'm so glad that you are out of that dark place now--or at least things are 'better'.

So much has happened in a year.

Much Love,

Anonymous said...

i'm happy for you mirrorboy :)


J said...

Did you ever stop to think about where you'd be without the Internet? Probably hermetically sealed in "shitsville", and a world full of dispossessed readers.
As the Bob Dylan wrote, it's all over now baby blue.


Aek said...

You got the support where you needed it, you received the help you were looking for, and you found a "therapy" that has worked. You've become stronger for it. Look at you now! Not quite the same Mboy as before, eh?

naturgesetz said...

It's a wonderful thing that you were able to endure those dark times in your life and to write about them, so that others can see that there is hope.

Thank goodness for Mrs. OC and for your blog. And I hope that therapy and your changing schools will be further turning points for the good, helping you to leave those disorders behind.


naturgesetz said...

And keep the kitty pics coming.

Eirik said...

Dude, I have started reading some of your past blogs and I think Dave is right because I know for me I can truly relate to what you have gone through as I am sure many do. Your write it well and I don't think it is a "misery loves company" thing, rather a feeling good thing knowing that we are not going through things alone - it isn't like there are too many places we can go for real and genuine support. Keep going, keep writing and live strong brother!

Anonymous said...

Thats the spirit! Push the hand!!!

WkBoy714 said...

You speak as such a metaphor for a lot of us guys here. :) We're glad to make you feel belonged..

Benji said...

I need to speak to you on msn, its urgent ^^'
Anyway, big HUUUUUGS !!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

:$ And I'm glad you're still here. :)

Forsaken03 said...

Well I think that starting this blog not only helped you, which is great. but it helped countless other people deal and begin to live with their own sexuality. I only hope that now instead of a restless night, you fall asleep with a feeling of pride that what you say is the inspiration and mental strength of so many. :)

Tyler (L)

cvn70 said...


I wish i could know more people like Mrs OC. But im glad yo started a blog and that you here every day helping others

take care and be safe


Anonymous said...

^^ just a comment to let you know that I read your blog and enjoy it quite a bit ^^

I wrote about your blog, by the way... nothing too big, but yet a little recognition, I thought you would like to know ^^

BILIKEME said...

I'm new to blogging and quickly realized that 99% of it is letting the emotions out and typing it on paper. 1% of it is that maybe someone else is reading your words. (we all hope there are many people reading, but who knows!)

Good luck, and keep writing!

Anonymous said...

Well, yeah, it is kind of weird to bring sex into classroom, at least in a direct way hehehehehe

But how many lifes wouldn't be happier if sex wasn't such a taboo and being gay was just as normal as being straight?

I know mine would have been soooo much better ^^

Seth said...

I'm so glad you did make it through, with all of us there to share both your joy, and your pain, and support you along the way.


CrikaRika said...

WOW. What Eirik Said at the end of his comment was so powerful. It is amazing to see the love here. We are people of the world gathered for one cause. I like the how WE are here to help each other, even when our friends are not. I like how we warmly embrace any new comers to the blog, and so we should, because for some, this is all they may have!