Ocean.

We were at the ocean the other day and we took the camera. My Mum loves whales so i had to try to get some pics.

There are also a few pics taken on recent days, when the weather was better. And they're prettier. :P




And there are a few just of the ocean too. :)

You'll notice that the weather goes dark and light. That's cos the order of the pics got messed up as i uploaded them. lol

It may be a shithole of a town but at least it's pretty. :P

love

An Interview With Me.

From Col's Blog.

Figured i'd post this on my own blog so i can link to it.

What he wrote is in black or purple and my answers are blue.

:)

- - -

I'm sure Mirrorboy needs no introduction to most of you, but for those that don't read his blog: Mirrorboy's Blog, he's a 15 year old gay guy from Australia. He has a great sense of humour, a wonderfully creative mind and a very strong character. Oh, and he loves his cats too!

If you don't already read his blog (see link above), please go visit him... you won't be disappointed!

The questions...

How old are you and what do you do?
I'm 15 years old, a student at highschool, and wannabe author.

Are you planning to go to college to study journalism?
I still haven't thought that far ahead. I'm a bit useless when it comes to Uni and stuff.

Your readers will already know of the novel you're creating: "Universes". How are things progressing with that lately?
I'm around 183,000 words. Just finished a chapter, so i'm now planning the next one before i dive into and get stuck as per usual. lol. And i'm up to a really tough bit in it cos i'm following a storyline which doesn't include my main characters. Ya know, i make it up as i go along, and the downside of that is sometimes i work myself into a hole.
Hehe.

So, you live in Victoria, Australia?
I sure do.

We'll talk more about location later, so in the meantime... are you Gay, Bisexual or Confused?
Lol. I am gay

And apart from your creative writing, what other hobbies, interests or pastimes do you have?
Hmm... I like playing games. I would kick anyone's ass at the Wii. :P
Other than that, another hobby of mine is blogging heheh, and other internet stuff ;)
Lol.

What about likes and dislikes, loves and hates? Anything at all from foods to people and religion.
Well that's a hard question...
Which requires an answer lol.
Right... I love English, and boys. I hate... haters. Hate is a strong word. So, i only really 'hate' haters.
That's all you wish to say then?
I don't know, your questions are so broad lol. I need direction!
Erm... do you like school, where you live, pizza, religion, animals etc?
I hate my school and where i live. Now that's a good way to use 'hate'.
Lol.

Who do you fancy/have a crush on at the moment... real, celeb, or cyber?
Lol. I can't just post that on the internet for everyone to see! That's personal lol, i do think Rafael Nadal is hot tho.
Yeah, but we all know about that one lol. Anybody else?
Ummz... depends if porn stars count. XD
Yeah!
Hahaha.
Surely there must be somebody!
Yah, im tryin to think...hmm that's hard. Mitch Hewer's hot ;) but every gay loves him.

What kind of boys do you like?
All boys.
Any particular look that really does it for you?
Lol. Well there are a few that i go for i guess - typical blonde twinks, and long-haired emos. I guess guys with nice hair are what i like, i dunno why though.
Do you have a hair fetish?
I wouldn't call it a fetish. It's just a 'thing', i would say. heheh.
So Emo's... what is about them... the hair, the clothes, the piercings etc?They have piercings right?
Hahahaha, some of them. It's hard to say why... maybe it's the hair.
Lol. So boys again... tall, short, skinny, podgy, smooth, hairy, white, asian....?
Dude, i like all boys. Seriously! I can be attracted to all types. What matters most of all is what's on the inside... corny, but it's true!

So, favourite food?
Chocolate :)

Fave style of music?
Techno, trance, ambient sort of stuff.
All time fave song?
That's always changing haha. For now... it's www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/112372 but it will be different in a few days XD.
Lol.

All time fave book, and fave author (you and yours is not included lol)?
Lord of the Ringses were pretty epic, but i like Eoin Colfer's books the most. Every parent should read their kids Enid Blyton's stories too.

Fave two pieces of clothing?
Lol. I like my cargo shorts/pants... that's it lol.
Oh, ok lol

People who have inspired you?
Mrs. Oc made me want to be an author! I'm so glad i had her as a teacher. She gave me a purpose in life for the first time and i will always remember her for that.

I know you haven't really thought about college/uni, but do you think you will go there as an "out" gay man. Or, is it too early to tell yet?
I would need to have a look around once i got there before i would decide... test the waters, if you will.
That's a fair answer.
Damn right it is, bitch! lol.
Lol. You cheeky little pup!

What are your dreams, aspirations and goals for your future?
Find someone who loves me. That's the big one! Other than that, write some good stuff and get it published. I would love it if Universes was successful. Most immediate goal though, is to escape this crippling little city of mine and head to Melbourne ASAP.
Ok, we'll talk about that later but I'm glad you mentioned the word "successful" there. I've no doubt you will be!
*blushes*

So why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Cos i like it when people ask me questions. haha.
Do you not hope that it may help others?
Of course.

You're an inspiration to many people, young and old(er), how do you feel about that? Any pressure?
I honestly don't think about being an inspiration, i just go about my business, and if that helps people in any small way, then that's fuckin awesome :)
But yes, there is a certain pressure that comes with where i am now. It becomes harder to give each person some individual time, because every few days i meet someone new.
I'm sure that you do, and I'm also sure that each one of those people appreciate the time you give them... including me.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it's totally out of our control.

Ok, when did you realise that you were gay?
Only a couple of years ago.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it, but it took me a lot of struggling and time. I guess between the time of one realising they're gay, and accepting it, they have to admit that it's beyond their control...
Very good point!

Who are you “out” to?
I'm 'out' to 3 family members, and everyone at school. Well i was outed!
When i was outed to my Mum, it wasn't as bad as i expected, so i'm glad she found out.
I was NOT, however, ready to be outed at school, so that was hard beyond belief to deal with, and still is.

For any readers who don't know the story of your "outing" can you give a brief description of what happened?
Gay Porn heheh. The word spread, and soon everybody knew.
Who found the porn?
One of my nosy 'friends'.
Is he still a friend. lol?
I think.

What reactions did you receive?
A lot of negative ones. A few positive. A few weird lol. But kids like the ones in my school can be a bit... mean.

Overall, are you now glad it‘s happened?
I honestly don't know. I mean, i can be myself, but at a large cost.
What cost is that?
Insults, people shouting things at me, teasing, jokes at my expense etc.
It's hard.

So, the next question...What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I worry that the sort of life i live now (one of being teased and laughed at) is one i will have to live in the future. Other than that, i don't worry about much else. I hope that once i get to the big city, people will be more accepting of who i am, and i will have more support.
What about your rights as a gay man, or having children etc?
I'm 15. I don't need to worry about rights yet, lol.
Children - i don't really mind what happens :) If my partner wants, or has children, i will probably be a proud parent heheh.
Lol.

And how have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
My strategy for last year was to ignore it. I tried changing that this year but i quickly reverted to that strategy and it doesn't seem to be going too well for me. lol
Do you think that's the best way, for you at least, to deal with it?
Probably not but i can't manage to change it. The best i can do right now is look for support to help deal with it, even if only on the inside. My self-confidence is a work in progress too. I'm doing my best to be more confident in my physical presence (by doing things like getting contacts and losing weight etc).
That's great, doing what you are doing. Anything that helps you is a step forward, and your answer brings me to my next question...

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
My biggest support was my teacher, Mrs OC. I can talk to her about what i'm going through, and she is helping me the best she can. She also told me about the gay youth group in my city, which i've been to a few times. Unfortunately, Mrs. OC is on long-service leave this year, so i've been without her for a while.

What about other forms of support, like the internet, groups/forums. Or, your blog and on-line friends?
Oh yeah! I don't know what i'd do without my online support. It means the world to me, seriously. It's just beyond words. I can't describe it.

I know that people lean on you, but are there any people on-line that you can lean on?(I mean people you can really talk to.)
Yes. A couple who i really trust.
That's good, you need that trust.

I know you've visited the Gay Youth Group, but do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
Not really. But i guess i can't expect that much from my small city.
Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Haha. Well im already out, so people seeing me enter isnt a problem. But yes, i would look into them.

And how do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Heaps! It's given people in remote places a way to find support, just like it did for me. Not to mention how it helps some people to accept themselves more, and all that icky stuff to do with teen suicide. It gives people support, and that's what gays and bi's need.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
It wouldn't have been easy, to say the least. I can imagine it would have been scary for a lot of people. I guess there would have been a lot of horny guys back then too *jokes* hehe.
Lol. Good one!
*high fives all round*

If you had grown up through those times, what do you think your life would be like now?
I'd be sad i guess... sad that life had been so hard, and that i'd missed out on a lot of things by not having any support.

Ok, now I know we've talked a little about resources, but what do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet...?
Hehe, is that a question or a statement?
Does the internet count? Cos it seems like a pretty obvious answer lol.
Yeah, it counts but what about other gay people, family, or yourself even?
Well the internet brings you closer to other gay people. People need to have support, and the internet can give everyone support... so that's my answer :)
That's fine. There is no right or wrong answer lol.
And also, the internet helps one to become a stronger person.
How?
By giving them support and advice, and help etc. Thus making one stronger, and improving other aspects of life. And, one can accept themself more... and then with more confidence, they will venture out in search of even more support... if ya know what i mean?
Yes, I do. And can all that be said for you then?
Yes.
Good.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Sure do!
Because of reasons you've given earlier on, or are there other reasons too?
I can say what i think and feel without worrying about people knowing who i am. I don't have to worry about reactions or something... i can't explain it any better lol.
That's fine. lol.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Hmm... well i don't really think about it. It doesn't really fuss me what happens. I'm not against it or anything, just, whatever happens, happens, and it's cool.
Ok, but let's say for a moment you did want to... would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't go into a fake straight relationship. I just think that doing that willingly just to get a child, is cruel and selfish. If i wanted to, i would adopt.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene?
I never met my Dad. Mum's story was that he just 'ran away' before i was born, and we never spoke about it since.
How difficult has it been for you... not having a Father while growing up?
Hmm... It's hard to tell. I don't really have much to compare it to. It just became the norm for me, ya know?
Yes
lol

Have you ever felt jealousy towards your friends who have Fathers and "do stuff" with them?
Lol. Well of course, when i was much younger.

Do you think that not having your Father, or a male role model in your life has had an influence on your sexuality?
Nope.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My older cousin is.
Has he been able to help or support you in the past, if you've asked him that is?
I haven't asked, but i know he would if i did ask.
Do you get along with him ok then?
Yeah i guess, but we don't see each other much, or know each other that well.

So, drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Reach out! Take that first step and you will never look back. My first step was typing a nervous first entry into my blog, and look where that got me! Now i'm someone who people can turn to and lean on for support... hey that's funny :)
I started this blog looking for support, and now i've become support for other people.
*feels fuzzy inside* lol
Bless :)
:)

So… based on your life to date as a gay teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would be gay, cos being gay is what i do best. Sexuality is such a big part of my life now, if i weren't gay, i wouldn't be me... and i love boys lol... I want one!
Lol.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Yes. I would live in a big city like Melbourne, because where i am now is full of small-minded and immature people.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would live in the future cos i want to see robots and lasers and crap lol. But seriously, people would be more accepting in the future, so i wish i could live then. But i guess the 21st century is okay. It could be worse.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
O God... Mum's not perfect but she does her best. I won't say anything else.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Yes! I grew up lonely, and always wished i had a brother or sister to play with.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Lol. Lots. Probably due to my image issues... self-confidence etc. I could write you a list :)
Go on then!
Ugh... nose, lips, eyelids, eyebrows, hair, skin, chin and jaw, teeth, ears too!
I thought I was bad lol.
:)
So what do you think is wrong with those?
Nose too big, lips too dry, eyebrows too thick, skin not clear enough, hair too weird and doesn't sit right, eyelids are a little wrinkly or something, my chin is too big, and teeth aren't that good either. Good?
Fab lol, thanks!

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol now you've got me started... pretty much everything, again! You want more detail, again?
Oh yes!
Ugh... hips are too wide, feet are like triangles but with huge arches, hands are too small and a bit boney, and everything else just looks weird or out of proportion... i'm a wreck lol.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Shyness and my physical issues, and maybe a couple of my OCD things lol.
Anything else?
Lol. Dont think so... i like my brain lol, and im glad i have the English skills i do.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Confidence and some sort of sporting ability lol.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes i think so... i see people who are sad and lonely and i just think; i'm sure there's a way out!Everybody has the potential to be happy... EVERYBODY... but they need to stop sabotaging their own freakin lives and make an effort.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Aren't they?
Lol. I say yes, others disagree!
Well if you type 'synonyms for choice' into Google, im sure decision would come up lol... in fact i will!
Lol.
Heheh. 'Synonyms: alternative, appraisal, choosing, cull, cup of tea*, decision...' found it, i was right lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the answers above... what do you think your life would be like at this moment in time?
I can assume i would be happy. I think i had fair answers, considering i kept my personality which is what matters most. Other things would only help me to be happier.
And confidence would play a big part in that?
Yes.

Hell on Earth.

K so i know i haven't been posting that much... and what i have posted recently hasn't been that exciting. :P

Well frankly, there's not much to report because i'm still on my school break and i'm just trying to relax. School does, however, start again on Feb the 2nd. *CRIES

And the break i just had was Australia's ONLY decent break ALL YEAR. I'm basically gonna be back at school for the whole year until mid-December. And we only get another 6 weeks worth off from school until then. :'/

That's right. No sort of Summer Break for us. Aussies will be at school while you other bastards are out relaxing. -_-

So i hope you enjoyed my company on MSN and such. I can only be on during my daytime on weekends from February. That sucks cos i have a lot of good American friends and they'll probably be in bed by the time i'm home. :/



Of course, i am dreading going back to school. It really is a hell on Earth. Being the ONLY OUT GAY SUDENT in the fuckin place is HARD. I mean there's a reason why i'm the only 'out' one! Cos we're a small city too, the others are small-minded and basically immature. That's why i KNOW i don't belong here and as soon as i can, i'm moving to Melbourne. I can't wait for that, but it's probably another 3 years away. :(

I am going to try to go back a different person, more confident and minus the glasses, but i know just how depressed i was last year. School was beating me down. I also have a good idea that school is to blame for my pretty severe self-confidence and self-esteem issues.

I guess i'm gonna have an idea of how everything is gonna go for the year by the first week. I'm gonna know who's in my classes, where our areas are, if i've got teachers i can trust, if the others have grown up (or not), and if i'm a different person or i've reverted to my old self.

You can wish me luck and tell me to be strong, but it's not that easy. It's goddamn hard living here where people literally hate me for being gay.



When i am back, i will either be posting more cos there will be more to post about, or i'll be posting even less cos i will be too overwhelmed with school to feel like it.

<3

That's it for now i guess. I'm trying to milk what's left of my school break cos it's slipping away very quickly.

I don't know what to do anymore...

I've been denying all my online friends the explanation behind my strange mood recently. I guess it's time to spill. I need to spill because everything inside me is slowly killing me.



I guess we start with what the effects of me coming out were...

Well, what were once friendships, quickly turned awkward. After a while, that turned into what i thought was acceptance, but eventually that turned into everyday crude jokes at my expense, and more recently as you've probably figured out if you actually read my blog, a little bit of cyber abuse.

They said they didn't care but my friends will never see me in the same light again.



I was once the kid at school that a lot of people didn't like for no reason in particular. Of course now, they have a reason. I am now the kid that people hate because he is gay - an excuse to single me out.

The honest truth is, that at my school, anybody who is even slightly different is singled-out and made fun of. I'm the GAY ONE.

Being 'out' has caused me countless terrible sleepless nights. I feel like every little snide comment and rumour and laugh and joke is just entering my head and getting trapped and it just builds up and up and up without ever releasing any of the growing pressure and it just escalates and gets worse all the time and i get more stressed and worried and i feel that it's just going to keep building up without an escape and eventually my head is just going to fucking explode and i'm going to collapse into a broken little mess.

...As proud as i am of being gay... recently i've just been wishing that i didn't have to go through this. Being gay is just too hard and i've got so much other stuff to deal with like school subjects and our money situation (which just got 10 times worse with my booklist arriving), getting a job and making 'friends'... I don't even know who i am anymore. Why do i have to have this filling up my already cluttered head? Why can't it just go away and not be any trouble? I don't want to be this any more.

...And yet, the cold truth is that not only will i always be gay, but i will never be allowed back into the closet at school... And what i would give to be back in there now - warm and sheltered from what i'm going through at the moment. I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a shield that used to protect me. It kept me safe from the harsh world that i don't think i'm ready to deal with.

I've come a long way, yes, but the path i'm on has no end. If i keep following this path eventually my legs will give way and i'll just collapse spectacularly and not be able to get back up again...



I'm trying my best to make sense of what's going on inside my crazy head, because i don't know and i have no idea what to do.

I'm just a bit of everything - worried, fed-up, tired, scared, sad... but mostly, stressed, confused and angry.

I'm worried about my blog, fed-up with the routine, tired of all the work, scared of what i continually receive at school, sad about so many things, stressed about school, confused about where to go and what to do from here, and above all else... angry at myself. And that's where i think my problems all start. I've continually fucked myself up my whole life.



Let's get serious.

I have hated myself since i can remember. I hate 99% of everything to do with me. Ask me to name the good things about me, and after my writing (which i still find ways to pick on myself about), my desire to be nice to everyone, and my sense of humour which helps other people feel better... I get stuck and that's the honest truth.

Oh fuck... I don't even know where this post is going... This is just what's in my head and it doesn't even make sense to me.



School is killing me. This dead-end town is killing me, and ultimately i will bring about my own downfall through my own fucking stupidity. Don't believe me?



It all started with that gay crap on my USB which was how i was 'outed'. It takes a pretty stupid idiot to be so stupid as to put that on there. I'm so stupid i can't believe it sometimes.

And then, oh yes, i used the same email address for this blog that was already my personal one.

I originally set my blog to show up on search engines. Now anyone can find me by typing in my email address. Major fuck-up.



And of course, why did i share so much personal stuff on here?

I'll tell you why! Because here i was 'Mirrorboy' and not 'Dusty'!

I was anonymous here, and yet i become less anonymous every day. Before we know it i may have brought about my first and only safe haven's demise through yet again, my own stupidity.



I have no idea how much longer Mirrorboy has left. Any day from now, i may decide to kill him before he fucks up Dusty's life even more.

Mirrorboy only lives in the blogosphere and he would never survive in the real world. Dusty has to live in the real world. Dusty has learnt to hide his soul and true feelings and yet Mirrorboy has been doing the opposite ever since he was created. The 2 cannot become 1.

In real life Mirrorboy must forever hide inside me. If he starts to come out, then i need to kill him before he does any damage. I do love him dearly and it would utterly break my heart to get rid of him but there would be no other choice... because Mirrorboy is my true self.

Yet my true self cannot exist in the real world.



I've shot myself in the foot every time i've aimed for something higher my whole life.

I am the reason my life is awful. My self-hatred has ruled me my entire life. I mean wtf? Am i subconsciously sabotaging my own life because that seems to be the only situation that makes sense because nobody can be that fucking stupid.

Even THIS POST will fuck me up even more because people who know me personally will be reading this, and it's times like that that i wish i could go back to 'Mirrorboy' anonymously... and never have Dusty and Mirrorboy cross paths away from my computer.

Jut like i wish i could go back to being in the closet.

Just like i wish i could undo all those major fuck-ups that have ruined my life so far.



Every day just gets harder to cope with. And i'm 15! For fuck sake! I'm just a kid and i don't want this shit in my head.

Reality bites and anonymity is bliss, but i've got the worst of both worlds. Living my life is destroying my soul little-by-little. I can never smile and mean it any more. When i'm talking to my online friends who are genuinely good people, as long as my mind is not on 'me' then i can forget all my troubles briefly and be happy.

But in the end, i go back to Dusty, every day, and every night. I will always be Dusty and that scares the crap out of me because that's the last thing i want.



That's my life right now - getting worse all the time. To those who don't care, you shouldn't be reading in the first place... To all the others, well, i don't mean to burden you. Sometimes i feel i don't deserve your love. That's why i just feel so empty inside, underneath all of the stress. I feel like none of you would ever love Dusty as much as you love Mirrorboy. I know Dusty best, and i hate myself.



So where does my life go now? What does a twisted kid like me do? What am i in for? What does my future hold?

Most probably, more sadness and stress, more confusion and anger and abuse, and more hating myself.



And that's it. I've bared my soul for perhaps the last time. It felt good to be honest because yet again i've put myself out there for you to ponder over, at my own risk.

But this could just be the cliffhanger to a story that will never be continued.

===><===





And no doubt i'll regret posting this...

I'm still in hell... but my view of the world has changed.

What happened today?


Well, i haven't been bashed yet. That's a plus. Of course, 'that boy' hasn't been back at school yet... because i got him suspended... so i get the feeling that i'm in the eye of the hurricane and coming out the other side is going to be fucking rough.

I still get immature comments and insults thrown my way. Fucking lame...

I definitely feel very uncomfortable at school. I can't shake that, for obvious reasons. I know there are people here that hate me and i can't do much about it.


What else happened today? I did my Journalism interview with Mrs OC.

Mrs OC is of course my favourite teacher - the one that changed my life and made me want to be a writer, the one that pushes me to do my best and believes in me, and the one that swears!

So we went into the auditorium and went into the dark little kitchen there.

I checked my tape-recorder thingy, and we talked for a couple of minutes.

Then i started the interview. I asked questions from my list, about her life as a child, school, what she wanted to be, who she admired, stuff like that...

It was really interesting to learn so much about her... I think that it was because we are quite close and feel relaxed around each other. It got so personal that i think i should tell my Journalism teacher that it might not be suitable for playing in front of the class (it gets into how she's only still with her husband for their kids). O_O

She shared some personal things with me...

I felt it was the right time to tell her about some of my hard times. And yes, the tape-recorder was OFF.

I told her everything - About me being gay, that my friends found stuff on my USB ("You stupid boy!!" she said), that i was outed at school and that i'm going through a lot of crap from kids. She responded well, so i kept going...

I told her that i write a blog about myself, through which i've met some amazing and caring people. I told her about a few examples of my friends, and that made her smile.

I said that i go home to this wonderful community, and she thinks that's just great. I could see her just brimming with happiness for me.

We talked about all the stuff a lot. She shared some of her experiences with gay people, from a young man with cancer, to some kids who used to go to the school.

She says that our town is a nice place, but we have such small-minded people here and such little diversity... but one day i will leave this place and go to university in a big city like Melbourne, and she says that i will find my group of people and i will just feel like i belong.

I HAVE to leave this place behind. I have to go and find my place in the world. Staying in this town will crush me.

She says i've only got three years left. One day i will leave, and i will make my own way in life, and what happened here won't matter.

It's true.

She really helped me put things into perspective.

Life may be absolute shit now, and it's gonna get worse, but one day it will be gone.

I have a whole life ahead, and it will be a FUCKING GOOD ONE.

Like she said herself...

Life will be awful at times, but there will be intense moments of absolute joy.



I left that room a different person.



There is one more thing though...

There was a boy at school, who is gone now, but when he was here he was openly gay.

He's part of a tiny community in my town of same-sex-attracted people who meet up on Mondays at 4 o'clock at a place up the street.

After the interview, i think Mrs OC gave him a call.

During period 5, she came to my class and gave me a note, saying that i should give him a call because he's good to talk to and he could take me to this thingy.

I'm kind of nervous. I think i'll call him on the weekend and see what it's about though. It could be interesting.



So after today, i'm a little bit stronger, but i am still scared.

We'll just have to see how things pan out, because i know that in the next few days, things are either gonna turn out okay, or come crashing down.

If they do come crashing down though, i know who i'm going to talk to - my favourite teacher who just got even better.



Wish me luck,

love to us all,

===>mirrorboy<===



And thanks for all your support on the last post, and for the emails you sent me. It made me feel so much better.

Reflections of my habitat.

Haha first... http://blog.milkboys.org/article/discoveries/

Am i ever gonna live it down?? lol

-Also, you've got just over a day left to vote on the poll. So make sure you do, before the next one starts. (Suggestions are welcome for topics). :)



Today i had PE (sport/excersise and stuff) for the first 2 periods of school. I usually hate PE cos i SUCK at sport, and we also have to wear these daggy uniforms.

Sometimes it's fun though, like when we go bowling (yeah! i won last time! :P) or tennis which i don't suck at. Today, we went down to the beach for a walk. I like walking, because i don't fail at it. :)


Maybe it's something to do with the 'walking' itself. Maybe it was the absence of stress. Maybe it was the fact it was just the sand and the ocean and the seaweed and the shells... but today i actually appreciated the beauty of my little town.

I often put down this place. I mean it's boring as hell. There are no fun places to go. No cool things to do. There aren't any good shopping malls or anything. There are some attractions but nothing awesome. And forget about any sort of gay scene...

But today, i forgot about that... for a little while at least.



We caught the bus and headed down to the beach.

We went down the road between the short stone-layered cliff-faces.

We drove past the huge colourful playground around the blue lake.

We got out and walked up the green hills.

We walked amongst the succulent green bushes to get to the beach.

We stepped onto the soft white sand.

We walked under the bright sun.

We dodged the rising blue tide.

We walked alongside the big black sharp rocks, offset by the bright green behind them.

We passed a horse, galloping along the water's edge.

We looked out and saw the horizon - unobstructed by anything man made.

We got to the end of the beach, and saw the fisherman standing alone.

We went up to walk along the tall stone wall - the breakwater... and it hit me.


It hit me. A huge rolling blanket of blue-green, aqua and turquoise sea.

I was lost in it.

I hadn't been up there in as long as i could remember. I'd forgotten how beautiful the sea was.


It's amazing... and this is our sea. This sea is ours to enjoy.

We saw a fisherman catch a small wriggling shark at the end of it, then we walked back along the breakwater.

Most of the others headed along the bottom of the wall. Me and my friend walked along the top.

I'm damn scared of heights, and we were fairly high up. He kept lurching at me like he was gonna push me off. He loved it. I had a heart attack every time.

We were getting close to the bus, and we saw some people (tourists o_O) looking over the edge...

We looked over too, and saw a little seal floating lifelessly on the surface next to the wall amongst the little bits of seaweed.

It looked dead. Aww... that was sad. It was such a cute little thing too... My friend just laughed and pretended to shoot it (with a shotgun of course).

We headed down the steps, past the yellow flowerbeds, and onto the waiting bus, while our teacher was still coming.

When he did arrive, he said (something along the lines of) "Did ya see the seal back there? Putting on quite the performance..."

Huh? A couple of others got off to go have a look and my friend and i did the same...

Back up on the breakwater, we looked down, and the little bugger was doing twists and flips and somersaults in the water. It had big shiny black eyes and tiny little whiskers. It was the most adorable thing i'd seen in ages...

I was like, "Aww that is so cute."

My friend said a whale would eat it... then get beached on the rocks. Then pretending to be the whale he said "Eh... It was worth it!"

Yeah, the whale killing itself just to eat the baby seal... :P

My friend - he's bizarre. :D

Next time i head down to the beach i'll take the camera and get some pics.


In conclusion - my town ain't so bad. Hell, it could be a LOT worse.

We're on the coast. We have the beautiful sea. We have a lot of wildlife (compared to cities). We even have a few typical Aussie animals.


Still, i do want to move away when i'm older. I just don't feel that i'm suited to a place like this. I want the bustling city. I want the malls. I want the socialism. I want the scene. I want the jobs. I can't have that here...

I will remember my town fondly though.

I will be proud to say i grew up in such a beautiful place...

And i will return.

I will always return, to walk along the soft beach and dodge the tide, to get lost in the neverending blue sea, and to rediscover those special things i'd taken for granted when life has been so awful, stressful and mundane.

===>mirrorboy<===