Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I don't know what to do anymore...

I've been denying all my online friends the explanation behind my strange mood recently. I guess it's time to spill. I need to spill because everything inside me is slowly killing me.



I guess we start with what the effects of me coming out were...

Well, what were once friendships, quickly turned awkward. After a while, that turned into what i thought was acceptance, but eventually that turned into everyday crude jokes at my expense, and more recently as you've probably figured out if you actually read my blog, a little bit of cyber abuse.

They said they didn't care but my friends will never see me in the same light again.



I was once the kid at school that a lot of people didn't like for no reason in particular. Of course now, they have a reason. I am now the kid that people hate because he is gay - an excuse to single me out.

The honest truth is, that at my school, anybody who is even slightly different is singled-out and made fun of. I'm the GAY ONE.

Being 'out' has caused me countless terrible sleepless nights. I feel like every little snide comment and rumour and laugh and joke is just entering my head and getting trapped and it just builds up and up and up without ever releasing any of the growing pressure and it just escalates and gets worse all the time and i get more stressed and worried and i feel that it's just going to keep building up without an escape and eventually my head is just going to fucking explode and i'm going to collapse into a broken little mess.

...As proud as i am of being gay... recently i've just been wishing that i didn't have to go through this. Being gay is just too hard and i've got so much other stuff to deal with like school subjects and our money situation (which just got 10 times worse with my booklist arriving), getting a job and making 'friends'... I don't even know who i am anymore. Why do i have to have this filling up my already cluttered head? Why can't it just go away and not be any trouble? I don't want to be this any more.

...And yet, the cold truth is that not only will i always be gay, but i will never be allowed back into the closet at school... And what i would give to be back in there now - warm and sheltered from what i'm going through at the moment. I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a shield that used to protect me. It kept me safe from the harsh world that i don't think i'm ready to deal with.

I've come a long way, yes, but the path i'm on has no end. If i keep following this path eventually my legs will give way and i'll just collapse spectacularly and not be able to get back up again...



I'm trying my best to make sense of what's going on inside my crazy head, because i don't know and i have no idea what to do.

I'm just a bit of everything - worried, fed-up, tired, scared, sad... but mostly, stressed, confused and angry.

I'm worried about my blog, fed-up with the routine, tired of all the work, scared of what i continually receive at school, sad about so many things, stressed about school, confused about where to go and what to do from here, and above all else... angry at myself. And that's where i think my problems all start. I've continually fucked myself up my whole life.



Let's get serious.

I have hated myself since i can remember. I hate 99% of everything to do with me. Ask me to name the good things about me, and after my writing (which i still find ways to pick on myself about), my desire to be nice to everyone, and my sense of humour which helps other people feel better... I get stuck and that's the honest truth.

Oh fuck... I don't even know where this post is going... This is just what's in my head and it doesn't even make sense to me.



School is killing me. This dead-end town is killing me, and ultimately i will bring about my own downfall through my own fucking stupidity. Don't believe me?



It all started with that gay crap on my USB which was how i was 'outed'. It takes a pretty stupid idiot to be so stupid as to put that on there. I'm so stupid i can't believe it sometimes.

And then, oh yes, i used the same email address for this blog that was already my personal one.

I originally set my blog to show up on search engines. Now anyone can find me by typing in my email address. Major fuck-up.



And of course, why did i share so much personal stuff on here?

I'll tell you why! Because here i was 'Mirrorboy' and not 'Dusty'!

I was anonymous here, and yet i become less anonymous every day. Before we know it i may have brought about my first and only safe haven's demise through yet again, my own stupidity.



I have no idea how much longer Mirrorboy has left. Any day from now, i may decide to kill him before he fucks up Dusty's life even more.

Mirrorboy only lives in the blogosphere and he would never survive in the real world. Dusty has to live in the real world. Dusty has learnt to hide his soul and true feelings and yet Mirrorboy has been doing the opposite ever since he was created. The 2 cannot become 1.

In real life Mirrorboy must forever hide inside me. If he starts to come out, then i need to kill him before he does any damage. I do love him dearly and it would utterly break my heart to get rid of him but there would be no other choice... because Mirrorboy is my true self.

Yet my true self cannot exist in the real world.



I've shot myself in the foot every time i've aimed for something higher my whole life.

I am the reason my life is awful. My self-hatred has ruled me my entire life. I mean wtf? Am i subconsciously sabotaging my own life because that seems to be the only situation that makes sense because nobody can be that fucking stupid.

Even THIS POST will fuck me up even more because people who know me personally will be reading this, and it's times like that that i wish i could go back to 'Mirrorboy' anonymously... and never have Dusty and Mirrorboy cross paths away from my computer.

Jut like i wish i could go back to being in the closet.

Just like i wish i could undo all those major fuck-ups that have ruined my life so far.



Every day just gets harder to cope with. And i'm 15! For fuck sake! I'm just a kid and i don't want this shit in my head.

Reality bites and anonymity is bliss, but i've got the worst of both worlds. Living my life is destroying my soul little-by-little. I can never smile and mean it any more. When i'm talking to my online friends who are genuinely good people, as long as my mind is not on 'me' then i can forget all my troubles briefly and be happy.

But in the end, i go back to Dusty, every day, and every night. I will always be Dusty and that scares the crap out of me because that's the last thing i want.



That's my life right now - getting worse all the time. To those who don't care, you shouldn't be reading in the first place... To all the others, well, i don't mean to burden you. Sometimes i feel i don't deserve your love. That's why i just feel so empty inside, underneath all of the stress. I feel like none of you would ever love Dusty as much as you love Mirrorboy. I know Dusty best, and i hate myself.



So where does my life go now? What does a twisted kid like me do? What am i in for? What does my future hold?

Most probably, more sadness and stress, more confusion and anger and abuse, and more hating myself.



And that's it. I've bared my soul for perhaps the last time. It felt good to be honest because yet again i've put myself out there for you to ponder over, at my own risk.

But this could just be the cliffhanger to a story that will never be continued.

===><===





And no doubt i'll regret posting this...

28 comments:

Planetx_123 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lach said...

Argh Dtrain you gotta understand that you CAN be yourself. Just maybe not right now, in the backwards town you live in.

Like we've discussed, there are options and you will pursue them, and they're not far away.

"cowpoke" - lol.

<3.

Planetx_123 said...

My previous comment's advice really sucks now that I read it again-- it is meaningless to someone in your situation (so I deleted it).

I think the only thing I can do is say that I/we care about you so much... mboy and dusty. You are a really smart, funny, and brave person. I love you, even the little slice of you that I know from this blog. I give you millions of virtual hugs, and would do anything to make the whole situation better.

Much love and tons of hugs-
Steve

Doomed but cheerful! said...

m8 - I read this post, and am going away to think about it. You are more than welcome to post to my blog for a while, if you want a bit of anonymity back - you can always say, like the song goes, "it wasn't me." You've got my addy - mail me if that's the way to go for a bit.
Back later. Hold tight - it will be a rough ride for a bit, but we won't let you fall off =]
Gurney x

aron2631 said...

Mirrorboy,

I'm constantly amazed by your strength. Maybe it doesn't feel that way. But it's true. It takes enormous strength to dig into yourself and pull this pain out and show it to yourself and to others. I'm in awe. I could not have done this at 15.

You don't need a shield. But if there is one gift I wish I could give you, it would be the gift of kindness. You are not very kind to yourself. You beat yourself up a lot in this post, and that saddens me. I wish you could be as tender with yourself as I know you are to the ones you love.

A shield is worthless if you beat yourself up. How can a shield protect you from yourself? A warrior cannot block the incoming arrows if he is sticking them into his body himself.

You aren't alone. You are not the only gay boy in your school. You are not the only gay boy in your town. You may just be the only one you know right now. I found this resource for gay youth in Victoria Australia. May it give you strength:
http://www.geocities.com/purplebusstop/

Reach Out.

Seth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. HCI said...

D/M,

You're going through a lot of what I did at your age except with the added fun of being out getting added on top. I imagine there was suspicion that I was gay 'cause I showed no interest in girls but nothing was ever said to my face other than standard schoolyard taunts. Though I do remember John G. (from my school but a grade behind) warning another kid at summer camp to stay away from me 'cause I, "might try to fag you off." Uh . . . what?

I was the class scapegoat at my small school, thanks to my 2nd grade teacher, from age 7 'til 13/14 (moved to a new school at 14 but a lot of kids also switched). To this day, I have issues that date back to that period of my life.

I fucking despised myself.

I probably first started thinking about killing myself when I was 11.

When I was 14, when asked in theology class to write down my biggest fear, I wrote, "Not dying."

This isn't a pity party for me, though.

I'm telling you this 'cause I made it through; I survived.

From the way you write, I have every confidence that you will, too. You're much stronger than I was at your age.

Seth said...

Sorry. I wrote a comment there, but not happy with the way it sounds. So I'm going to think a bit before I reply.

Stay strong and keep your chin up.

Anonymous said...

Much, much love to you, from all of us...

It's not stupidity, it's growing up.

xoxo

Brass Matt said...

If you say that mirrorboy is really your true self, then it shouldn't be that difficult to figure out why we all love you. Hmmm?

Keep your chin up. You are an amazing person and I could have never been as strong as you are.

-Matt

James said...

There's so much here, but I think there is one thing I can speak confidently on. That is, you have no say over how much others are allowed to love you. Son, if we want to love you to pieces, then dammit, we're going to. >.<

One thing I've learned, though I devalue and hate myself as much as you do sometime, there are people in the world that love me infintitely more. And that love and care is a natural thing that flows from them. I couldn't stop it any more than I can stop kangaroos from hopping. :P

So, allow yourself to be loved. Soak it up. Maybe someday you'll start to see it from other's viewpoints, learn to love yourself? Just a thought...

xthecouragex said...

I'm sure comments from a guy who is a few years older than you and on the opposite side of the world means little if anything to you.

But I did just want to say that I think you are a strong guy and will get through this. The next couple years may be hard for you but in the long run I know things will get better for you.

It is unfortunate that you are in a situation that you can not control. I know what its like being in a small town, but I'm leaving and I know that eventually you can leave too.

It may sound weird but I'm not out and so to hear about someone who is younger than me coming out is really an inspiration. I know it wasn't the way you would want to do it but I still look at you as someone who is much stronger than me.

All I'm trying to say is I'm in your corner buddy. I know you can get through all this and it will make you a better person in the end.

I know probably everyone who comments has said this at one point but if you need someone to talk to or just to let things out you can always send me an e-mail or add me to msn. thecourage22@hotmail.com

Take care bud

-C

Planetx_123 said...

This always makes me laugh...for a few loops, and then I start working on something else for a while... eventually I realize I've been listening to this nonsense for 30 minutes and I get really ANGRY!! Then I beat my fists on the table and smack the speaker on the floor...

Its quite an emotional experience :-)

http://leekspin.com/

Steve

Zee said...

I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I can't even begin to give you advice because I simply don't know.

I can give you an e-hug. *hugs*

~Zee

Shannon said...

Mirrorboy,

I have only just discovered your blog. I was refered by a mutual friend.

Whatever you may feel at the moment, where ever you may think your life is going please know that you are loved. Every comment you see here is an affirmation of that love.

I have to say that the way you are feeling and the things you are thinking are all entirely valid. You are not the only one going through this. We are all here with you. You need only read the messages of support here to see the proof that you are valued for who you are.

It would be contrite to tell you that everything is going to be ok. Everybodies journey is different but for a moment let yourself see the good in yourself rather than the bad.

It takes courage to be out and gay.
You are both. You are a couragous young man, you are still here. Your very existance says "fuck you" to those who would hate you for having the courage and the integrity to be who you are.

When people abuse you, when people hate you, when they strike at you and when they target you always remember that that is because they are small minded people who lack the wisdom and strength make up their own minds and opinions. They are small minded small people.

whatever you may think of what I have said, please remember you are loved and there are people out here cheering for you.

Be safe


It takes courage to say "fuck you"

Kevin Wilson said...

What you are going through now is hard but 15 years ago or more (whenever the internet was invented) it would have been a lot harder for you because you wouldn't have had access to an entire world of support and had an avenue to vent about how you felt in an anonymous way.

Everyone makes mistakes in life - some small and inconsequential and others massive and world shattering. Your mistakes have had a profound effect on the way you have to now live your life and in life there are no take-backs or do-overs and you have to move forward.

You feel alone in your town and school but you have a whole world of people who don't care about what you are but who you are that you can reach out and touch thanks to the wonders of modern technology.

I (and probably many of your other readers) have no idea who you are but we all want to try and give you some words of wisdom - before the internet, where would you have gotten that kind of support?

Don't kill off Mirrorboy - how he deals with his life and struggles may help some other young teen to get through their first dark days of understanding who they are and how it will change their life.

Vlad F said...

after all these comments...hmmm...don't know what to write, but feel that i have to write.

just like other bad things, it'll pass, you'll see. just be strong and wait.

love,
vlad.

Anonymous said...

hey dusty

just know that, whatever you decided and choose to do, all of us will support and understand it.

know that nothing is permanent and things will eventually change :)

stay strong
KS

Doomed but cheerful! said...

Summary - you are who you are, and are pretty comfortable with that. There are those around you who are not comfortable with that, to the degree that you are being persecuted for it. You feel at your wits end, because of that, and because the the small town you are in has people with small minds who don't want you to be who you are, and the virtual world where you could be who you want to be has been invaded by the same people.

Question: where do you go from here?

Option 1: try and retreat into the closet.

Option 2: brazen it out.

Option 3: get some help.

You could try and lie low, and hope it will all go away. This is easy, and needs the least effort. It is also the least likely to succeed, because I think you will be pursued and harried by the most persistent of your persecutors, and you will have little or no relief.

You could just brazen it out, and generally give everyone the bird. This could increase resentment among your peers, cause your friends to slide away, lest they get dragged into the general unpleasantness. Eventually you will be alone, and develop a general resentment and distrust. This will damage your self-confidence and ability to make friends later, and trust people in general.

You could get help. Your teachers are supposed to be trained in dealing with many of the issues that confront emerging adults - sexual orientation included. Find one that you like/trust and discuss all the issues you have raised in the last few days. This will ensure that 'the system' is aware of your situation, and that you may even need to be protected in some way or another. They will do this or risk failing to discharge their duty of care.

Factors:
Are you 'out' just to your colleagues/trolls at school, or are you out to your teachers aswell?
Are you out to your parents?
If not, would it make any difference (think carefully).
Are there any other agencies than school that you could talk to? (I talked to a mate in Vicoria, and he can't think of any, but couldbe wrong.)

Short term plan: calm down, try and distance yourself as much as possible from potential trouble spots for a few days. Talk to someone (teacher, school counsellor, etc) and see what help they can give you. Keep a lowish profile for a while, and try and keep your immediate friends from being vicitimised by association, so they feel able to give you continued support. Concentrate on getting the best grades you can, so you can get to a good uni, so you have the tools to be able to travel. Consider how you want life to be next week, next month, in 2 years. Make sure you get there.

Remember:

No plan suffers contact with the enemy, so be prepared to adjust it as circumstances dictate.

YOU are the person that matters. YOU have been the victim of harassment and abuse, but you are not 'a victim'. If you can possibly take any initiative in this situation, you will have taken back the power that someone has tried to rob from you.
YOU have not fucked up. You may have been careless; you may have been naïve: it happens. Just try not to repeat any of the same mistakes.
You WILL emerge from this as a stronger man. It WILL take time.
Eventually, if you can be true to yourself, you will be able to take pride in what you have achieved.

You are not alone in the virtual world; there is no need for you to deal with this on your own in the real world.

With love.
G x

Anonymous said...

be strong young man - choose your friends wisely and find yourself another anonymous home for the strength and support you need in the real world. There are some amazing people right here that can help you get through this - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you will survive these current troubles. You are bigger than that school, that town and all the people in it - just read what these friends have written here. Reach out to them, make them your world and you will not regret it.

Anonymous said...

Focus your anger to NOT let "them" win. If you can muster up the anger you might be energized for the fight, then YOU win.

Won't be easy.

If your blog is common knowledge at school, we can hope that after a while the bigots will need a new target, some new rush of adrenaline. You will be old news. Then the closeted gay kids will see you as an example of courage and survival.

Anonymous said...

Have you checked out TheJoefrom1993? He's a 15 year old boy from Christchurch. He has stopped posting videos because of a problem with YouTube but they are still there. I find them inspirational. - Ian

http://au.youtube.com/user/TheJoeFrom1993

Col said...

" To all the others, well, i don't mean to burden you. Sometimes i feel i don't deserve your love. That's why i just feel so empty inside, underneath all of the stress. I feel like none of you would ever love Dusty as much as you love Mirrorboy. I know Dusty best, and i hate myself."

Why don't you let us be the judge of whom we love?

If this post is from Dusty then all I can say is...I love you Dusty (and not in a pedo way :))
I think that once you leave your high school your life will improve immeasurably. Until then, stay strong...because you really are strong, even making this post proves that!!

*Love & Hugs*
Col

naturgesetz said...

I tried to post a comment yesterday, and I have no idea where it went.

I am sorry to read you saying that you hate yourself. You do not deserve to be hated by anybody, including yourself, for who you are or for what you've done. Sure, you've made some mistakes, but everybody does that. It's no reason to hate yourself.

Being out in a small town has clearly brought you some problems, but the thing to remember is that the problems you have now will be behind you when you go away to college. I'm not saying everything will be perfect, but it will be much better. So hang in there. Accept the support that is available from adults, especially in school. Ask for it when you need it.

If your friends keep making crude comments, you are entitled to ask them to knock it off. Tell them you're getting tired of it.

We can even hope that when your vacation is over, your orientation will be "old news" to people, and they'll have something else at the top of their list of things to think about.

Is there any way you can get a job to help with the money problems?

Keep in touch with us. We care and we want to know how you're doing.

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Say something, baby - WE LOVE YOU !?!!!

Are you O. K.?

xoxo

Poisoned Happiness said...

That a good question. Are you ok buddy?

Peter said...

It is always possible to create a new blog with a new email address and screen name, and send all of us your link. That way no one you know will be able to find it.

Just a thought.

Please let us know if you are still around!!!

Skweeky said...

Doomed but Cheerfull tipped me off about your situation. I wish i had been as honest and as brave at your age. Please try to gain strength and courage from the massive show of support from your friends across the world.

Need a bit of anonymity to let rip for a while? Then post away at our blogs, or set yourself up with an alternative Googlemail and look for support amongst the blogs of your blog-friends.

With love, Skweeks