Thursday, December 11, 2008

Still here.

While i don't really feel like posting right now, i feel obligated because i realise you're all worried about me, so here i am.

First of all, although my last post was a bit intense, i do hope that none of you got the impression that i was going to hurt myself. I can promise you all that i would never ever do that.

The main reason is because recently i've listened to someone i love deeply, talking about killing themselves. If this person were to go through with it i would be utterly heartbroken for the rest of my life, so i can understand how much of an impact it would have on my friends.

Do not worry. I will never hurt myself.

Now that's out of the way...

With the deletion of this blog in mind... well... i still have a lot of thinking to do. I'm still not sure what to do, because i have strong reasons to keep it, and yet also strong reasons to delete it.

So, if i do decide to delete it sometime soon, i hope you'll all understand that it would be a necessary thing to do, where i have no other choice, or the risk of keeping it would be too great.

Let's hope it does not come to that, because in the past few days i have received some of the most personal and moving emails i have ever read, from some people who i obviously mean something to.

I cannot think of anything else to say to you all other than thank you. That goes for my commenters too. Your support means a lot and your encouragement has helped me a lot recently. I don't know what i would do without you...

On a lighter note, today was the last day of school for the year.

And now i get a six week break from it all... and that is exactly what i need. Without a break i would just... well... i'm sure you get the idea...

The stress was killing me. I couldn't focus on my story-writing. I didn't feel like posting or talking because my mind was too worried. I couldn't sleep at night because i couldn't shut off my mind. I didn't feel like eating some days. My body was feeling the effects of continual stress. Comfort food was becoming my best friend again after a long time without it...

Hopefully now i can flick the switch and send all of those in the opposite direction.

At least we know what the problem is - being stuck here in this small-minded town, at my school, with these people.

One day i will get out of here, and the sooner the better. Although it's pretty hard to be positive when you know you still have to live 3 more years of your sentence before you taste the sweetness of the outside world.

Well, this is what's going on in my life in case you're still interested, seeing as my 'life' part of the blog had to take a backseat while a few other issues came to the surface.

I just finished year 9. On Monday and Wednesday we had our first taste of year 10 classes. We had some year 10 teachers and they told us about what we'd be doing next year. We also saw who we would be having for our electives.

Maths seems like it will be... interesting. I'm in the higher levels so i'll be doing harder stuff, and that also means i need to buy a $200 calculator. :D

Just what i always wanted...

For English we'll be reading a book by Shakespeare omg lame...

I had some periods of my 4 electives as well.

We have a different French teacher next year, and she's going to be so different to what we're used to because this one speaks French almost all the time whereas our old one spoke not so much. She seems like a really nice, funny person though and the class is a nice class. :)

Although she's already given us holiday homework. :/

*says something smart in French ahhh i can't be bothered....

Architecture seems a little less boring than i thought it would be, although the class is a pretty crap one so i wonder if i'll actually learn anything...

We have one of the coolest teachers for Computer Programming. He's really nice and funny. He says that next year we'll be learning about computer code and making flash games so that sounds... interesting...

The one i was most interested in though, was of course, Creative Writing. When i first heard who was teaching it, well, let's just say i was a little apprehensive...

(Her voice is so whiney!!)

But she seems to know what she is doing. She can describe a piece of chocolate and make it sound more interesting than a bank-robbery.

Apparently we have to hand in a piece of written work every single week... so... that's going to be hard, but as a writer, if i can't do it, then what hope do the rest of us have? :P

I got my School Report today.

Oh God i was not looking forward to this...

Like i expected, a lot of the comments said i missed deadlines and stuff. (Well, i guess i may have been a little distracted lately... I can't help it).

All of the subjects had A-E ratings depending on how well you did.

C is where year 9 students are supposed to be. E is well below the expected standard and A is well above...

Out of all my subjects i got 23 C's, 5 B's and 1 A.

What was the A for?

Well, the writing section of English of course. So i'm very proud of myself because i don't think i've gotten an A in years. :)

Applaud now.

There is more to me than school though, although it feels easy to forget sometimes.

For Christmas, my Mum says she will get me contact lenses!! OMG yes i've wanted them for so long!! I won't look (so) geeky anymore. :)

If i'm lucky, with our tax return coming in soon we might also be able to afford the internet in my room, and that means no more sitting out here in the kitchen with my Mum yapping in my ear if i want to talk on msn or something.

That would be sweet... of course, no promises yet. :/

I'd better go before this post gets too long.

I've got so much more to say, both now, and for a long time in the future, so let's cross our fingers and hope that Mirrorboy will be around for a long time yet...

Either way, even if the blog does go down, i have decided that Mirrorboy will never be killed - not by those who hate him, nor by me, because he is the me that i want to be.

I have hope that one day he will feel comfortable enough to take the reigns from the current Dusty and... become the new Dusty, where we will be one, with the life lessons of Dusty and the sparkle of Mirrorboy.

And we will kick ass. :)

For now, on here, this is Mirrorboy saying,

lotsa love,



Tim said...

Glad to hear you are OK-ish. It would be sad if you took your blog down but everyone would understand. Equally we'd be worried about how you were doing. Maybe there's some way of starting another, secret from those who would upset you. It's good to have somewhere to air your feelings.

Either way, you know there are lots of people you know and loads you don't that support you and think about how you are doing. Have a good Christmas. And well done with the report! You're smart.

Lindsay said...

It is a relief to hear that you are ok, and are going to be ok.
Your previous post was a bit scary. But considering all that you have been going through of late, it sounds like you did need to get it out and off your chest.

This blog appears to be your only forum of expression at the moment, and it is good that you have this at least.

Congrats with your school results, especially the writing.
Enjoy your holidays, at least you will be free of the pressures of school (both deadlines and deadbeats) for a while.

I hope during the holidays that you can meet up with some people who you will feel safe enough to talk with about what has been happening and give you that personal support that you have needed.

Poisoned Happiness said...

I'm glad to hear you are fine. Good notes, congratulations! You have so many interesting subjects in schools, here student's don't have electives in most schools and well... it's different teaching system.

I love contact lenses. I started using them 4 years ago and I think it was one of best decisions in my life. If I can recommend you then try to make "day and night" type of contact lenses. You don't have to take them off when you go to sleep and you wear them for 30 days. Much easier than remember to take lenses off every 12-14 hours.

I'm happy you are feeling good with both Dusty and Mirrorboy. Those two are one you, who is fantastic person himself.


Col said...

Happy to hear you're feeling somewhat better. If you didn't contact that ex-pupil that your favourite teacher put you on to, maybe now would be a good time to do so...6 weeks off school.

Conratulations on your grades, with everything that's been on your mind you should be very proud of yourself.

" Out of all my subjects i got 23 C's, 5 B's and 1 A." We had like 10 subjects (if that) when I was at school. I'd be interested to know what these subjects are!

Btw, $200 for a

Have a wonderful, carefree, stress free nad happy deserve it!

Take care,

Doug said...

Glad to read that you're feeling better and that we don't need to worry about you :)

I really hope that it doesn't come to closing down this blog. I've enjoyed reading about your life and your stories and it would be a shame if it came to that.

But GREAT JOB on your school report! You are very deserving of that A in writing in English :)

Enjoy your vacation from school!

AJCon89 said...

congrats on the A buddy...

and you already kick ass.

love you!


Planetx_123 said...

Im glad you get a break! and for six weeks too! And some B's and A's - hurray!!


Landyn said...

congrats on the grades buddy, especially on writing :) it was good to talk to you again on msn the other night. take care and be good - ur always in my thoughts and ALWAYS in my heart.

Love you man,

Seth said...

you would be sorely missed if you ever leave us - a huge chunk of our blog community would be ripped out.
so don't ever leave us!!

i've got one of those really fancy Texas Instruments "graphing" calculators, but its like 15 years old, just sitting in a box in my closet since I don't exactly do too much math. I don't know how much "technology" they have added to calculators since (nowadays they probably send email and make coffee) but I wish there was a way to send it to you, but of course I don't want to ask for real names and addresses at the risk of sounding pervy LOL.

Anyway... you deserve your long break - it will let you focus, get things sorted out, refresh yourself, and take stock of your current situation.

Unfortunately, most of us have to "suffer" through highschool (and I mean in the broad sense of the term, not just your specific issues) until we can "escape" into the real world. You just have to make the most of it, stick with it, and remember you are in school first and foremost, for a good education (well, as much as you can leach out of your teachers brains).

So, you might consider taking a vacation... from your problems.. and from blogging - give yourself a week or two and just let things settle. we'll look forward to hearing more from you!!

*hugs* and happy holidays/vacation etc.

naturgesetz said...

I'm glad you've decided not to kill the blog at this time, and I hope you will not decide you need to.

I hope the break will be a time when you can re-energize and de-stress.

Reflecting on all that has happened since you were outed, with the possible exception of the incident that got the guy suspended (you didn't tell us exactly what he did), it seems the unpleasantness has all been verbal. Not to downplay that, but at least it seems you are not in physical danger. Here's hoping even the unwelcome words will diminish over time and that you'll have a good year at school and at home.

Peter said...

It's good to hear from you again. Even though it has been only a few days, you really had me (and a lot of others) really worried!!

Em said...

Can't you set the blog to private, so that only those you invite can read it? My friend did that with her blog and I think she uses blogger.

I guess maybe you're to young to set up an Paypal account linked to your blog. I would gladly donate some money for your calculator!

Anonymous said...

If anyone really wants to get this guy something, and preserve anonymity - get him a gift token from, and they will contact him via e-mail, and will not disclose yours. check out alwayshard on blogger - he just got one from an un-named benefactor/rix

Anonymous said...

so we could each send him a gift token for as much as we want and he could save them up to get his calculator?

What kind do you need, mirrorboy? Does Amazon have it and can you use amazon in Australia?

Anonymous said...

here is an amazon link to gift card.

looks like you can leave your name off...

Kevin Wilson said...

hat's a little more upbeat than your last post. The six week break from school will be the perfect opportunity to mull things over and decide where you go from here without stressing out.

Good luck.