Saturday, February 28, 2009


Well this has to be the first morning post i've done in ages. Rejoice! :D

Well i've got not much else to do. I'll be writing, playing games (Super Smash Bros for the win) and watching TV to relax.

Although i'm a teensy bit stuck in my story. It's my own fault of course. The parts where i get stuck are always problems of my own creation. Right now i've got dozens of soldiers inside an outpost, and i need to get them outside somehow. There's a wooden wall keeping them in, and the enemy have the entrance. I have to figure out an escape plan and write that, and at the same time write the battle sequence between them and their enemies as they hold them off. -_-

Luckily this chapter is almost over though and i can soon switch to different peoples. :)

Anyways, I'm a few thousand off 150,000 views. It would feel a bit weird celebrating it as most of my viewers are pedos and leave once they realise they can't get off over me (at least i hope not o.O), but i do like celebrations. :D

So any ideas? I can't do the random facts thingy cos i save that for the number of posts. 200 random me facts for 200th post coming up maybe?

For 100,000 views i did a post where i thanked everyone who helped me, so we've all heard that before. Can't do that again. :/

I dunno. Any ideas?

Music. Guitar vs. piano. :)


Friday, February 27, 2009

Mirrorboy's creepy blog facts. :D

You know how at the end of a post i put a bunch of labels or tags. Like, a post about writing, i will label 'writing'.

Well here are my most searched labels. Creepy much? Yes.

1. Videos.

2. Young.

3. Wanking.

4. Cute boy pics.

5. Sex.

And my most viewed post is 'I don't do teddies. :P'


Moving on...

From what i've heard, most people hate that new Followers thing as much as i do. (I checked out a Blogger forum today.)

I hope those Blogger peoples revert it back to the old type, cos i'm just gonna delete it if they don't. It's so fricken hideous! I hate it so much! So much!! Aaaaaaaaarrghhh!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARHH!!!!!!!!! *head explodes*

Speaking of it though, i put up a poll. :)

It's funny how depending on the times we listened to particular music tracks, we will associate that music with that time and/or activity. I used to play tracks like this while i played Unreal Tournament (04 i think?) against my friends. Good times...


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Waitin for the cat to come home.

So i'm gonna post while i sit out here in the kitchen, waiting for my cat Jemima to show up so i can let her inside. :/

I feel like i'm fully past my writer's block. I was tapping away today, and i only got up about 750 words, but it's a lot more progress in a day than i've had in a long time. And i was truly smiling on the inside while i wrote. Writing really is my passion. It makes my heart beat. It gives me a purpose. It gives me goals and something to strive for, and it makes me happy.

And when you sit back and look at something you just created, and it looks good, well, that is a great feeling.

My story is up past 183,000 words now. :)

(Cat just got home. W00t.)

A big part of my struggle is probably the part i'm up to in my story. It takes a lot of specifics because i'm up to a full-on war now, and i have to look after characters who are at different places doing different things. Sometimes i'm minus my main characters and they're the ones who i have developed the most, so it's harder to write for secondary characters, but that's what i was doing today and i made some good progress. And i'm building up to a climax in this war, which will no doubt be a lot of fun to write, if not a bit stressful too. ;)

But it's moments like when a fighter is against a fully armoured strong foe and is losing the fight, who then grabs a plank of wood and starts bashing the crap out of him and turns the tables, that really make me smile and make all the stress worth it.

The cool battle scenes are one thing, but my favourite parts are the characters. I sometimes can't bring myself to kill someone because i'm so attached to them. -_-

Okay okay, i'll stop now. I could keep going and going and going about writing, but i won't. I'll save that for another day.

Does anyone else despise that new-look Followers thing? I think it's called Friend Connect now or something. It's plain ugly and takes heaps longer to load. Why the hell couldn't they give you a choice about whether you wanted to change or not?

'Blogs that are using the Following feature have automatically been migrated to Friend Connect, so you don't need to do a thing.'

Gee. Thanks.

, Landyn posted recently, so go have a look!

Here's today's music link. It's an unusual song, but it's still cool.

And here's a pic of Jemima who just got home. :)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

On shelves.

First, thanks for all the supportful comments and emails. It really does mean the world to me.

My new idea for a blog colour combination was... not that popular. Only a few votes for yes on it, so i didn't even bother to let the poll finish. lol

An another note althogether, we watched Pulp Fiction in Creative Writing at school today. Violence and blood, swearing, and unexpected anal rape. O_O

About a week ago, i borrowed a book i'd heard about, from the library... *ruffles through bag*

Hot Hits The Remix by an Aussie author (Bernie Monagle) who visited our school once. It's about a few closeted gay kids who at the start are in year 10 and it goes over a couple of years.

(A couple of months ago, i would have been too afraid or embarassed to even be seen looking at it. I guess there are a few small benefits to being 'out'. At least i don't have to pretend anymore.)

Anyways... This book has got me thinking...

Imagine my blog, on a much larger scale. I write about my life and my experiences on here all the time. Maybe one day, i could put these thoughts into a book.

If this blog is helping a few people online, imagine what i could do if 'my story' was out there on shelves - out there amongst everyone, for anyone who was looking to find and read.

It wouldn't be written the same way as my blog, of course. It would be semi autobiographical, mainly about my coming out, and how i've tried to deal with it and my experiences to do with sexuality.

Of course, i can't actually write it yet. I'm still going through my journey... but perhaps one day...

Don't forget, i AM a writer. I pour most of my life into writing. It might not be that much of a stretch. :)

Here are today's music links. I was only gonna post one, but it was a sad one, so i figured i'd post another one as well. :) Don't listen if you're in a fragile state. It ain't gonna help. Especially the start. Then it moves to what i feel is like desperation and crying out. But that's my interpretation. Gets a lot faster and upbeat further on. :)

Don't forget to comment about the songs, plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why I write this blog. (important post)

Thanks to Torchy for explaining the background colour thing to me. I'll just leave the background how it is, rather than switch my whole layout just to change the colour.

BUT... i can change everything else on my blog's colour. I was messing around before and came up with this example. (click it to see it better)

I'll put up a poll soon for you to vote on whether you like that combo or prefer my current one.

So i was thinking today about why i write my blog, and the reason is that it is my support. For those of you who don't know, this blog was my first contact with the gay world. It was me reaching out in a desperate attempt to find someone who was similar to me.

I was incredibly alone in my struggle, and any sort of discussion or information about sexuality was so unordinary for me. I remember soaking up every little scrap of information about sexuality like a sponge. I'd tape anything on TV with a gay theme, and then i'd sit there, watching it in my room, alone. If i wasn't alone, i'd have the volume turned down low and the remote control nearby, ready to switch it off quick in case someone came in. The mention of anything gay made me blush.

Then i got the internet, and it blew my mind. In a few short months, i quickly began to understand myself more. I would read stories from other gays on websites, like coming-out stories, and just feel so fuzzy and weird. I felt like i was being naughty or something, reading about stuff like that. But it felt good. I now know it was the start of a whole new life for me.

I was learning, but still felt so empty. I knew of this world, but was still not a part of it. And i had no idea how to join. The thought of sending an email to someone was scary. I didn't want to appear as an outsider or a desperate weirdo. So i just observed, and learnt.

Then as i browsed the internet, i discovered these things called blogs. And i realised that there must be some gay ones out there. After some searching, i found some, and i loved them. I gobbled everything up. It was so new to me - all these new things to read and watch and listen to. Mind-blowing.

Then one day, i worked up the guts to leave a comment on a blog. It was just a little one, but the author responded, and made my week. This was a real gay person, who i had made contact with, even only in such a tiny way.

Blogs. Blogs. I couldn't stop thinking about blogs. One day it hit me. This could be a way to make contact, and maybe even one day talk to someone online, who was... gay. Sure, it was such a huge step, when all i wanted to do was make contact, but one night, in the space of 20 minutes before my Mum got home from work, i took a stab, even though i had no idea what i was doing, and the fear of failure or looking like an idiot lurked strong in my mind.

I picked the name mirrorboy, the website, the layout, the address, everything, just like that. And put it up, whipped up a quick little first post, and posted it. I was worried, but tried to appear confident in it.

(Please don't go back and read my first post. It's so cringeworthy. lol)

Then i headed back to my room as my Mum got home, with all the thoughts of the possibilities running through my head for the rest of the night.

That's how it started. Never, ever, ever, in a million years did i think i would end up in a position like this.

I got everything i wanted out of this blog, and more. The main thing, was to make gay friends. And that, i certainly have.

That's why i will defend myself so fucking strongly when people attack me for being full-of-myself. I will never forget how lucky, and privileged i am to be here.

There's one more point i want to make.

I started writing this blog for ME, but that's not the only reason i continue to write it.

What if, in some other corner of the world, there's a young gay boy or girl, living in small city, alone, and secluded from a community they need (and deserve) to be a part of.

I write this blog, to reach out. To let people know that they're not alone. To share my story of where i went from a kid too scared to even write a comment on a blog and taped episodes of Queer As Folk and had to watch in secret, alone, at night, to one who now gets involved in gay issues and makes a difference, and shares his opinion and people listen, and has met so many people and heard so many stories.

And it all happened in less than 6 months.

It blows my mind.

I came here needing help, and people took my hand, listened, and helped me. Now i'm in an amazing position where i can help others too. And i want to. And i do.

My blog has witnessed the births of other blogs, written by people reaching out like i did, perhaps not as scared as me though. ;)

But i'm one of those people now, who can reach out and offer a helping hand, advice, and an ear that's willing to listen. Not just to bloggers, but to anyone who wants it.

And i'm so goddamn fucking thankful to be here.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I finally added a Followers tab or whatever it is to my sidebar. That means you can now keep track of me, get updates when i post, and just plain confess your adoration for me. ;)

I also spaced things out a bit more so they're more neat, and i'm thinking about adding some pictures over there to make everything look better. I'll also start a new poll, as soon as i think of a decent question.

Now, if i could just figure out how to change my background colour... :/

Okay, i'm off to watch Dexter. :)

Drama in Blogland.

So there's a decent argument over on AJ's Blog about points of view which i seem to have gotten myself involved in. I seem to always end up in comment fights. lol. But someone said something to me in particular which really got me going and brought me in. So i didn't start it. Honest. :)

Also, over on Steevo's Blog, there was a gay-hater spreading the usual crap on Steevo's latest post. Gave me another opportunity to swear. ;)

Don't forget to go comment on Landyn's Blog too, with some love. Please? For meeeee??

Sadly, my gay youth group was cancelled for today because the organiser is sick. So i'll have to wait for another week to get to go again... *sigh*

That was disappointing.

On a decent note though, i seem to have gotten over my writer's block and in the past couple of days have written over a thousand words. *high fives*

I haven't got much else to say, so i'll leave you with some links to a couple of songs i like. All my music needs are satisfied at

It's one of my favourite websites. You can listen to and download music, and also play games and watch animated movies.

For those of you who keep asking what sort of music i like, here are a few tracks. All you have to do is click, and if you've got decent internet speed, it'll play without even any load time. :)

(There is a pause button to let it load next to the tracker if it's slower)

I hope you listen to some but i know you're all lazy bastards. :P Simply piano and a heartbeat. Video-gamish remix. Kind of clubby/dancey. A bit gay. lol Something with a lot of kick that takes a couple minutes to get to the good bit - 2:30. Definitely one of my favs though. :)

I dunno if i should bother posting these links or not cos i don't know if people will even bother listening. So comment to let me know, please. I might put in a link every post or something. :)

K that's it. love.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Random posts are always good. :)

I haven't got anything specific to post about. So instead i'll post a few small and big things that together equal a whole post.

- I got 'caught' by my Mum yesterday night... To quote Seinfeld: "You know... I was alone..." Ugh. Yeah. That was no fun. Nothing kills it faster than your Mum walking in. And she saw 'it'. Epic cringe... :/!

- I feel the need to plug Landyn's blog every time he posts. So i'm plugging it now. Go look. Read. Comment. Add to favourites. I command you. If anyone deserves some love right now it's him.

- For those of you who keep asking, the gay group in my city meets on Mondays, and yes, i am going again this Monday. lol. People also keep asking me if there were any cute boys. My my my, you are such pervs. lol

- On Friday i had an awful moment. See, i have a USB (for those of you who don't know, a USB is used to store files for computers) and i keep lots of stuff on it. I keep my big story on it and it's always the most updated version. I also keep all my plans for that story, and for the next story i'm planning. The plans alone are the result of dozens of hours of work. I also use it to transfer music and school work between computers (and also certain pics before i learnt better), and it also has all the keys to my house on its keyring.

As you can tell, it's one of the most important things i have.

I was convinced that i'd put it in my pocket that morning before i left for school, because i always do. And i remembered seeing it on my desk and slipping it in my pocket then heading out to the car cos my Nan was dropping me off at school.

Well at school, i had Creative Writing then an assembly down at the Auditorium. (We're getting ready for work experience, and people from the army came to talk to us *cough recruit cough*. Apparently you get payed a shitload of money for very little and easy work. Sure...) Anyways, after that at recess, i was heading from my locker when i felt down to my pocket. And all i felt was a couple of tissues.

No USB. No keys. Nothing. Just tissues. My heart absolutely sank. I felt so sick. I knew i hadn't saved a copy of my story in weeks, and the plans hadn't been backed up at all recently. I checked my bag, checked my pocket a hundred times and went down and checked under the seats at the Auditorium. And nothing. It wasn't there. So i felt sick to my stomach all day. I was praying that it had fallen out of my pocket onto the seat of my Nan's car that morning. Cos i was sure i'd put it in my pocket that morning.

So i was so terrified when Nan picked me up after school for an optometrist appointment, and there was nothing on the seat, beside the seat or under the seat. I checked under Nan's seat and the floor behind my seat. I even checked the glovebox. Actually, i was beyond terrified. I was distraught. So so so much work. Gone.

I went to my appointment, then after that sat with my head in my hands all the way home. If it wasn't on my desk at home, i knew i would never get it back.

As soon as we got home, i bounded out of the car and up my steps and opened the door. I ran down to my room, hoping and praying so hard.

I opened my door and looked around and... nothing. No USB.

I felt so sick. I was shoving things around and throwing them off the desk. Still nothing. Oh God.

And then... there was a little glint from under a packet of biscuits. It was my keys... and they were attached to my USB. Literally, i came out to tell my Mum, but just fell to the floor in the corridor - relief washing over me. My head on the carpet. Clutching my USB and keys so hard they were digging into my skin. I haven't been that relieved since i told my Mum i was gay, i tell you.

Why was i so convinced i'd put them in my pocket though? I distinctly remember doing so... Was it because i was so used to the repetition of doing it every day? Or was something else at work here? o.O

So the moral of the story is... Well, from now on i'm always going to zip up my pocket. lol

Oh, and back everything up straight away. :)

- Also, a really cute boy who i talk to online wanted me to mention him in my blog. I literally call him 'Cutie'. You sweet boy Dan. ^_^

He has a thing for feet. lol

I'm sure he'll appreciate me mentioning that. :)

Aye. That's it.

Stay safe and try to be positive.

Weekends are so boring. lol


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Man, i so love comments.

Yes. It's true. All bloggers are comment sluts. We love them. We can't get enough of them. It makes us high. :P

For some reason though, in the past few weeks, i've been called oh so many things in my comments.

I've been told in many comments recently that i'm depressing, i'm annoying, i'm ignorant, i upset people, i'm boring, i whinge and whine, i make people sad, i'm full of myself, i have a big ego and think i'm above everyone, i censor people's opinions, i overreact and i have no sense of humour.

Then there are comments on other blogs, about ME.

I'm brainwashing people and trying to force people to love me and i get my readers to abuse those who don't. A certain someone wanted to board the 'death2mirrorboy' train. Someone also said they wanted to punch me in the face, but, after i confronted them it turned out it was only a joke. I see.

Now, it's all well and good to just laugh at these comments and delete them, but no matter what i do, these FUCKWITS can't seem to get it through their thick heads that if you don't like my blog, i want you to NOT read it! I don't want you reading it! If you're reading my blog and getting depressed and upset and i'm annoying you, it's not my fucking problem. Grow some fucking balls!

If you're reading a blog that you don't like, and staying, and then leaving me comments about how much you hate it and me, you need to get a life.

I'm sick of biting my tongue. Next time one of you anonymous fucks leave a comment, leave me a link so i can come to YOU and abuse YOU.

I don't get it. Suddenly a bunch of these fuckwits decide to abuse me. I don't give a fuck, i just don't know why there are weirdos like this out there.

Anyways, it's your problem, not mine. I don't care, i just thought it would make an interesting post. lol :)


PS. I will whinge, whine, bore, overreact, censor and annoy as much as i want, cos it's my own fucking blog.

Suck on that. :)

PSS. Don't worry about reassuring me that these people are just weirdos. I already know that. Just after what i've been through, i've decided i'm the sort of person who confronts problems head-on. :)

love again.

That's right.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Poor Landy.

Well first of all, no, i didn't go to school today. I woke up feeling like crap and with a headache, so Mum said i shouldn't go.

Second, i guess i'm feeling a bit worried/upset/tense/sad/scared etc. And it's because nothing gets to me more than hearing people i love, talking about how things are getting too much to bear for them. Specifically now, i'm talking about Landyn. He means the world to me and i love him so much. And i feel so hopeless that i can't be there for him cos he's on the other side of the world.

It just rips at my heart. I feel such a strong connection to him and think about him so much, even though we've spent weeks at a time without any contact. Maybe it's just like that for everyone who has talked to him though. Cos he's such an incredible person.

But i can't lose him. It scares the shit out of me to think that someone that close to me could disappear one day and never come back. And he has talked about trying to end it before. So i worry when he disappears.

I know that if he were ever to hurt himself, i would never forgive myself.

I just want you to be okay, Landyn. You really do mean the world to me. And to lots of others as well, no doubt.

I would give anything to be there with you. I miss you and love you so much.

Sorry for the random emotional post. This situation is just really getting to me.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Yes, so i went to the group.

And i saw some real life gay people. :O

There were about a dozen people there. Guys and girls. They all looked a bit older than me, but they seem like really nice people.

Today a visiting (straight lol) Scottish guy was there talking about what stuff is like for gays over in the UK. So most of it was listening to him. And the group was talking about laws and stuff.

I didn't really do any talking but i might get an opportunity to introduce myself next week when there's not a guest there. And i won't be as nervous next time hopefully. lol

All in all. A decent day. This sounds like a good thing for me.

I'll be back. :)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Link, bitches.

Just reminding people that if you link to my blog, tell me so i can link back! lol

When i go browsing i occasionally find another blog that links to me without me even knowing. I want to know who links so i can add you to my blog list!

Also, if you write a gay/bi blog, we should link! Leave a comment or email. Now! Cos linking is fun. It increases traffic for everyone. It's how you discover new blogs and new people. :)

So there. Leave a comment if you want an mboy link, or if you already link me but don't see your blog in my links. Any blogs are welcome... No hardcore porn though, and no kiddie porn. lol

K. I'm sick of saying 'link'. :P

You know what's lame? Hardly anybody blogs on weekends. People are like, totally obsessed with social lives or going out and doing things. Geez. Lame. lol

Anyways. The internet is boring on the weekend, and that sucks cos that's the only time i can use it during the day. :P

What else...

Oh, thanks for all the support about the gay group thing. Just so you know, when i said it was 'really gay' i didn't mean that as a bad thing. I'm quite a 'gay' person myself. So i actually meant it as a good thing. And i would really like to get out and do 'gay' things, rather than come home after school and do nothing. So i hope it works out.

That's it for now. I think.


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Another week down.

Well, my second crappy week of grade 10 is over. It's hard to believe i've only been back for that long. It felt like a bloody lifetime to be honest.

Anyways, info and stuff from that gay youth group arrived in the mail yesterday, and they meet on Monday's at 4. So it looks like i'll be going. Man, i'm so nervous. I don't know any gay people my age, so this is a huge thing for me. :/

It also sounds... really... gay. ^_^

There are rainbow colours all over the pages, and words like, 'fighting homophobia', 'united', and 'activism'.

Really gay? I'll fit right in. ;)

And my devout Catholic Grandmother will be dropping me off and picking me up. Aww ain't she sweet. :) My family accepts me at least.

And at least i'm making progress (hopefully).

I've got a bunch of homework to catch up on over the weekend. Ugh. Just what i need. Learn more words for French, make a slideshow for English, write a story for Creative Writing.

At least i'm good at writing. Creative writing is a good subject for me. It might get the right words flowing through my blood again and i can make some decent progress on my big story. (Which has been too hard to concentrate on recently.)

On another note, what's with all the creepo comments people have been leaving in the past couple of weeks? (and it's not just one person). People say i'm depressing or boring. Or i whinge and whine. I don't get it.

I mean, if you don't like my blog, that's fine. If you don't like me, that's fine. But you don't need to leave a comment telling me how awful i am or that i don't deserve this 'popularity' or whatever.

I always have to bite my tongue when i reply. I hate doing that, cos i like swearing. :)

But seriously.

I write about my life. That's what this blog is about. It has ups and downs. When life is good, i write happy posts, and when life is sad and crashing down around me, i write less happy posts. I don't force people to read, and i'm certainly not trying to depress people. In fact, a lot of the time when i talk to people, they're coming to me BECAUSE they feel sad and i'm good at making people happy.

*cough remember aj? cough* hahaha

And i don't indulge in inflating my ego. I spend most of my time trying to stop me from grinding myself into the ground by putting myself down.

So for the record. I don't think i whinge, mr. anonymous. So FUCK YOU.



Thursday, February 12, 2009

Can't just ignore your troubles.

Yes, life does suck. But did i not say i'm doing my best to change that? :)

Since my last post, i've told my Mum about my hard time at school. My school knows about my situation now too, as well as some of my teachers. I've talked to the school counsellor and the school chaplain, as well as a woman from youth services who sometimes visits the school.

I've been in contact with the gay youth group, or whatever it is, in my city, and i'm getting ready to go there sometime soon as well.

If things haven't gotten better by May, when i turn 16, as a last resort Mum says i'll be able to leave the school and do the rest of my learning at this other college place thingy in my city.

So i'm not sitting idly by and wallowing in my sadness. I am still being strong, as hard as it is to do so.

(Just so you don't go 'Ugh... I thought you were stronger than that, MBoy...')

I'm hangin in there. It's all i can do.

On another note. Send your love and prayers to us Aussies as our country, and my own state, burns, suffering our worst peace-time disaster ever.

By the way, as i'm on the coast, you don't have to worry about my safety. Just letting you know.

Anyways, i'm doing my best to get through my own disaster, and thanks (to most of you) for all your support so far.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Life sucks.

I'm doing everything i can to change my situation.

I'm not going to post about it now. I'll post as i make any progress. I will say i did tell my Mum about my situation though.

Egh. Yeah. Life just sucks. I'm trying to stay strong, though i don't feel like the same person i was a week ago. Gone are the happy dayz for me.

Well this post is just to let you know i'm still alive and life is sucking... really... bad... and i'm almost falling apart but i'm trying my best to change that.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Awful day.

I had an awful day. It was so much worse than yesterday. I don't want to talk about it.

I don't know how i can possibly make it through this in one piece. I can't see myself living this for a year or a semester or even a month. I just can't. It's too hard. Nobody should have to go through this. I'm not accepted here and people haven't forgotten about me.

I hate my life right now.

Monday, February 2, 2009

One day down...

First of all, my head hurts.

Second, i had a pretty shit day, but that was to be expected. No horrible tragedies occured thankfully. Nothing spirit-shattering. My form class is okay. There's a few not so nice people and a few nice people as well, which is obviously a good thing.

There was so much going on i guess people weren't interested in me today. heh

By the first 2 periods, we'd been told about the coordinators and locations, then sent to our form rooms (a form is like the class we're in for basic subjects like English, and a form room is where our class goes for meetings and stuff) where we found out who our teacher was and the roll was marked, then there was a senior school assembly with our principal. Then we went back to our form rooms and were given our planners (like student diaries), and then were shown to our lockers where we put our stuff. Then we went back to our form rooms where we discussed the rules and expectations etc.

So much info at once on the first day.

Periods 3 and 4 i had double French with our new teacher. She's pretty cool and it's a nice class. The only bad thing is that French is just... so... fucking... hard. Then we got homework.

Homework... on the first day from my first class.

For a test next week i have to remember the irregular past participles of...

étré, rire, sourire, suffire, suivre, acquérir, conquérir, mettre, prendre, apprendre, comprendre, surprendre, reprendre, dire, écrire, décrire, conduire, construire, cuire and détruire.

For every one of those words, there is an irregular past participle... étré becomes été, acquire becomes acquis, dire becomes dit etc.

Ugh. French is hard... Francais est très difficile... or something... :/

But then i had advanced maths for periods 5 and 6.

In those two periods, on the first day ffs, we were introduced to surds. At the start, we had no idea what they were, and by the end, we were doing problems like 'simplify 6√5 - √3 + √5 - 3√3'

And we did 3 pages of maths work. I has headache.

That was only 2 classes, and i already thought French and Maths would be the best classes. Tomorrow i'll find out about some of the others, like Architecture. From what i remember from orientation last year, Architecture is going to suck.

But i survived the day. I'm still alive. Unfortunately i feel sick and tired. I guess it wasn't a good idea staying up til 1am to watch the tennis last night... but i couldn't get to sleep because Rafael Nadal *sigh* was playing the men's single final against Roger Federer *shakes fist*. I couldn't sleep until i knew who won.

Rafael Nadal won. So i went to sleep a little bit happy.

Now, it's time to rest. Ugh.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The night before.

Thanks for all the supportful comments today. It doesn't matter how strong someone is, they all need support at times. What i really need right now is support. I'm so thankful for the help and advice from all of you, but i really do need some people in real life.

So here's what i've decided i can do. I can find a teacher to talk to if i need to. I can look into the gay youth group in my city again. I can talk to the school counsellor about what's happening. I can tell my Mum if things really get out of control. I can't be alone in this because i wouldn't be able to take it.

Tomorrow will be the decider i guess. I'll find out who i'm in with for most classes and who my teachers are and stuff. I'll also be able to get a read on how people are thinking etc. Surely i can't be the thing on everybody's minds.

I'm happy that tomorrow, if things go to plan in the morning, i'll be going to school minus the glasses, which is a big thing for me.

I have to go to school strong and positive, and if i can't, then i'll fake it. And i can't go to school with the fears of a whole year in my head on the first day.

Deep down, i know who i am and i accept myself, and that's the main thing. Nobody will ever ever change that, no matter what happens.

Wish me luck.

I feel sick.

Today is the last day of the school holidays, and tomorrow, i'm back at school for 11 months.

I can't help it. I feel physically sick in my gut thinking about it, and i can't not think about it, cos i have all these things to do to get ready for tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm the only 'out' one there amongst a bunch of small-minded pricks to whom being gay is something so out-of-the-ordinary and such a big deal. And they like making 'it' a big deal. I was called names and teased and picked on and laughed at and i just don't want to go back to that.

It just doesn't seem fucking fair. Why do i have to live this? Why do I have to be the one who goes through all of this? My self-esteem and confidence was already in tatters before, and then THIS happened!? I don't know how i can deal with it. Last year was crushing me. It got worse every single day, right up until school was over. I was so relieved because i would get a short break. But now, i'm back for a whole year. I can't get away. I have no big breaks to look forward to. It will be day, after day, after day, of the same thing. If things haven't improved on last year, i just don't know how i'll survive.

Don't forget on top of all that, i'm supposed to be learning and working. How can i in a place like that? That's just even more pressure.

I'm scared. I'm just scared.

I feel sick, and i'm scared, and i'm trapped, and there's no way out. I'm stuck in this place, with these people, 6 and a half hours a day, 5 days a week, for 10 and a half months. And there's nothing i can do.

And i'm all alone. Even the one person i could trust, Mrs OC, is taking long-service leave.

I don't know if i can handle this. I worry it's going to crush me.