Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why I write this blog. (important post)

Thanks to Torchy for explaining the background colour thing to me. I'll just leave the background how it is, rather than switch my whole layout just to change the colour.

BUT... i can change everything else on my blog's colour. I was messing around before and came up with this example. (click it to see it better)



I'll put up a poll soon for you to vote on whether you like that combo or prefer my current one.



So i was thinking today about why i write my blog, and the reason is that it is my support. For those of you who don't know, this blog was my first contact with the gay world. It was me reaching out in a desperate attempt to find someone who was similar to me.

I was incredibly alone in my struggle, and any sort of discussion or information about sexuality was so unordinary for me. I remember soaking up every little scrap of information about sexuality like a sponge. I'd tape anything on TV with a gay theme, and then i'd sit there, watching it in my room, alone. If i wasn't alone, i'd have the volume turned down low and the remote control nearby, ready to switch it off quick in case someone came in. The mention of anything gay made me blush.

Then i got the internet, and it blew my mind. In a few short months, i quickly began to understand myself more. I would read stories from other gays on websites, like coming-out stories, and just feel so fuzzy and weird. I felt like i was being naughty or something, reading about stuff like that. But it felt good. I now know it was the start of a whole new life for me.

I was learning, but still felt so empty. I knew of this world, but was still not a part of it. And i had no idea how to join. The thought of sending an email to someone was scary. I didn't want to appear as an outsider or a desperate weirdo. So i just observed, and learnt.

Then as i browsed the internet, i discovered these things called blogs. And i realised that there must be some gay ones out there. After some searching, i found some, and i loved them. I gobbled everything up. It was so new to me - all these new things to read and watch and listen to. Mind-blowing.

Then one day, i worked up the guts to leave a comment on a blog. It was just a little one, but the author responded, and made my week. This was a real gay person, who i had made contact with, even only in such a tiny way.

Blogs. Blogs. I couldn't stop thinking about blogs. One day it hit me. This could be a way to make contact, and maybe even one day talk to someone online, who was... gay. Sure, it was such a huge step, when all i wanted to do was make contact, but one night, in the space of 20 minutes before my Mum got home from work, i took a stab, even though i had no idea what i was doing, and the fear of failure or looking like an idiot lurked strong in my mind.

I picked the name mirrorboy, the website, the layout, the address, everything, just like that. And put it up, whipped up a quick little first post, and posted it. I was worried, but tried to appear confident in it.

(Please don't go back and read my first post. It's so cringeworthy. lol)

Then i headed back to my room as my Mum got home, with all the thoughts of the possibilities running through my head for the rest of the night.



That's how it started. Never, ever, ever, in a million years did i think i would end up in a position like this.

I got everything i wanted out of this blog, and more. The main thing, was to make gay friends. And that, i certainly have.

That's why i will defend myself so fucking strongly when people attack me for being full-of-myself. I will never forget how lucky, and privileged i am to be here.



There's one more point i want to make.

I started writing this blog for ME, but that's not the only reason i continue to write it.

What if, in some other corner of the world, there's a young gay boy or girl, living in small city, alone, and secluded from a community they need (and deserve) to be a part of.

I write this blog, to reach out. To let people know that they're not alone. To share my story of where i went from a kid too scared to even write a comment on a blog and taped episodes of Queer As Folk and had to watch in secret, alone, at night, to one who now gets involved in gay issues and makes a difference, and shares his opinion and people listen, and has met so many people and heard so many stories.



And it all happened in less than 6 months.

It blows my mind.

I came here needing help, and people took my hand, listened, and helped me. Now i'm in an amazing position where i can help others too. And i want to. And i do.


My blog has witnessed the births of other blogs, written by people reaching out like i did, perhaps not as scared as me though. ;)

But i'm one of those people now, who can reach out and offer a helping hand, advice, and an ear that's willing to listen. Not just to bloggers, but to anyone who wants it.

And i'm so goddamn fucking thankful to be here.

24 comments:

Jake Annonymous said...

It's cause of your charisma.

Blake said...

you rock Mirrorboy! you inspire me :)

pathfinder1968 said...

mirrorboy; you don't know how fortunate you are. I know the fear you went through. I know how scary it was sneaking around to catch a glimpse once in a while. I only discovered blogging three or four weeks ago. and I am so glad I am finally able to make contact. you have been so blessed because you have your life all ahead of you. Whats behind you is very unimportant. today is my 60th birthday and I'm only now getting it together. Bless you. I am beginning to understand why there is so much love for you in blogland. If you were I would hug you so hard it could be dangerous. ken

James said...

It's the main reason I haven't taken down my blog, though it's more or less served it's purpose now. But you are right, we become something else..even as we grow and change and learn, our experience becomes something else that someone else can learn from, can grow from, can change from. As part of reaching out, you have become part of the community itself. That IS a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Col said...

You're a wonderful person!!!

Love,
Col

Razz said...

very noble.

"hedlyse" - LOL!

cvn70 said...

Mirrorboy

You defend yourself anytime you want to. Thanks for wiritng this blog but most imprtantly thnaks for being you

take care and be safe

bob

Kevin Wilson said...

If I had had the internet when I was your age (way back in 1981) I think that I would have been a much happier teenager knowing that how I felt wasn't abnormal because there were so many other boys who were going through what I was.

To most of the people I know, I am not gay (but they suspect and don't have the balls to say anything) but I don't really care what other people think about me anyway. Who a person is, in my opinion, is much more important than what they are.

With your blog, if you are helping just one young guy to come to grips with their sexuality then you are doing a great job. If you yourself are finding the strength to carry on each day because of the people you have met online, that is just as great. I figure you are smart enough to weed out the people who are genuinely there to support you from the pedos.

Keep it up. Every gay youth who finds strength because of people like you is a win.

Mr. HCI said...

You've made an incredible impact in a very short time. I know I've seen at least one comment from a gay boy who decided not to kill himself after finding your blog.

Like some others have already said, you're so lucky to live in a time when the internet is available. When I was your age, there was almost nothing out there except negative stereotypes. Gay men were horrible people who did bad things to children. The first gay kiss I saw in a movie, in fact, occurred right after one of the men killed someone, if I remember correctly (they were definitely the bad guys). The only positive portrayal out there was Jodi Dallas on the sitcom SoapM, but even he was made almost straight by the end of the series.

OK, I'm rambling now . . .

Don't let anybody try to tear you down.

Stay fierce!

sethboyman said...

thanks for inspiring me to do the same :)
S

xthecouragex said...

Mboy... I dont even know where to start to respond to this. I decided I'd give you a heart-felt comment though because I dont think I've ever done that for you.

Its amazing to me to think about how you may have never started a blog. One day by accident I stumbled across your blog...so you were my first haha. But it really changed my life. It showed me how much support you could get from something like this.

Before then I was alone too and had no. It's so funny you mention about taping and watching Queer as Folk. I used to download the episodes on my computer and put them in a hidden folder to watch them when no one was around.

But it took me a big step to comment your blog and start my own too, and I couldnt have done it without you.

And then you decided that I was cool enough (haha) to talk to. I don't think you know how much that means to me too. You're a great guy and a great friend. Nearly everytime I talk to you it makes my night.

It's funny being a few years older than you, but I really do "look up" to you buddy. You're a great inspiration, and show everyone that no matter how crappy things get, you can get through it.

Thanks for all you've done. I hope I get to stay in contact with you for a while, because I really don't take it for granted.

Take care bud, Love ya.

-C

and thats so long you probably wont even read it. haha

Aahsazyl said...

i love you mboy but youre still a whingy bitch :P
i have always been out and thus have never come out so i cant know what its like
you are the reason i started and the reason i havent stopped
good luck and who the hell actually tapes anything

Seth said...

Hmm... *looking up at the previous commenter.... sethboyman? *raised eyebrows* :)

Wow, m-boy. thats a really powerful blog post. You have gained so much in your life from being online and having people to communicate with. I'm glad you were able to find the resources that allowed you to affirm part of your life in a positive way.

Err.. that sounds stupid. But you know what I mean - we're glad to have you with us!!

*hugs*

ps thanks for the comments - i'll try and find more "suitable" boys LOL :)

naturgesetz said...

I'm not sure exactly when I discovered your blog, but it was not long after you started it — and not long after I started reading other blogs and posting comments.

What amazes me is that it felt at the time as if you were an old hand at blogging. I never would have guessed from what I saw that you had just started.

It's great that this has been so good for you, and I'm glad to be part of it — hopefully a helpful part.

Anonymous said...

You and your blog saved me, Mboy. I still have very bad days, but not so many. Thank you for helping me start to figure out what's what. Oh... I'm 16 in a small town too. I think maybe I found another gay boy. Now what shall I do? So far we have hugged. He has a hard time talking about it but he said he likes me. I'm really scared and excited. Is it OK you think that he is just 14?

Anonymous said...

Hey there,
Firstly, (and take this from someone who never swears) in my opinion Aahsazyl qualifies as a fuckwit... nuff said...

Secondly and more importantly - Thanks ever so much for your Great blog and especially the latest post. You mean so much to so many people and have already helped a bunch of hurting people out there. I stumbled across your blog about a month ago and it was exactly what a guy I know needed.
He's about your age and was really suicidal etc. Now he checks for new posts every day, and is also trying to find gay friendly groups near here. (We haven't found him anything yet, but I'm sure we will in time, and he has really been encouraged by your words)

You are an absolute inspiration!

I can totally relate to how scary is is to sneak around trying to find out about sexuality and all the connected stuff.
And, like a couple of the others, I wish I'd had the internet when I was your age.

To quote Blake:
'you rock Mirrorboy!!!!!!'

Anonymous said...

Hey, I forgot to comment on your music -

Not quite what I listen to all the time, but great nonetheless.
I grew up listening to stuff from the 60's 70's and 80's, but having done my time as a DJ I listen to all styles and genres.

The one with piano made me think of a bf I lost a while ago....
The others were pretty catchy.
Thanks for the heads up on that download sight.

Davey said...

MB,
I don't care why you write your blog, I just enjoy reading it. Also, the kitty pics never fail to put a smile on my face.

Take Care!

Davey

Aahsazyl said...

lol
i didnt mean it
it was a joke
as you can see
i said ive never been through the whole thing, having been out for my entire life
sorry for the misunderstanding
XD

Kiss Tony said...

You took the first few steps of courage. And now you've inspired many other young gays to follow in your footsteps.

Jack said...

Mirrorboy; I have been reading your blog for 3-4 months now, You waited to long to tell me not to go back and ready your first post. Fact is in December, I ready your posts all the way thru including the comments, LET me tell you I found every one very interesting, I have never told anyone until now "in a comment" that I am over 60 years old, and I am still not our, I knew I was different when I was a teen ager but thought I was the only one so I just went on with life, until new years eve the year I turned 21, I was in Boston and a man kind of forced himself on me, he didn't have to force much, I enjoyed it and lived with him for a while. then when I returned to Ohio, Without anyway to find others, Even though now i knew there were some, I had sex with many women, but did not enjoy it like a man, then I got iterner 20 some years ago and found others that I could enjoy.

I guess I have went on way to long, here so I just want to say keep helping others, and never let the bad time get you down,

'You are a precious asset to the blog world and all of us that read your blog, Keep it up, I LOVE YOU, and not in anyway that would ever improve if I met you in person.

OK got to go. Again, WE ALL LOVE YOU, don't ever forget it.

Poisoned Happiness said...

And tell me Mboy is not just simply the best? Love you mate, you are BEST OF THE BESTS! And my hero too.

Planetx_123 said...

I love mirrorboy- he (you) are inspiring, passionate, and my hero too. Your blog makes my day better!

Much Love,
Steve

The Vice Buddha said...

Your blog is an inspiration mayte!

I am so glad i came across it just in time!

The simplicity and the charm that your writing imbibed from your inner self is the key to what your blog is today!

And this particular blog is just too close to my heart! There was so much inside of me which i wanted to vent out. I was afraid.. My blog really helped me to reach out to people.