Sunday, February 1, 2009

I feel sick.

Today is the last day of the school holidays, and tomorrow, i'm back at school for 11 months.

I can't help it. I feel physically sick in my gut thinking about it, and i can't not think about it, cos i have all these things to do to get ready for tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm the only 'out' one there amongst a bunch of small-minded pricks to whom being gay is something so out-of-the-ordinary and such a big deal. And they like making 'it' a big deal. I was called names and teased and picked on and laughed at and i just don't want to go back to that.

It just doesn't seem fucking fair. Why do i have to live this? Why do I have to be the one who goes through all of this? My self-esteem and confidence was already in tatters before, and then THIS happened!? I don't know how i can deal with it. Last year was crushing me. It got worse every single day, right up until school was over. I was so relieved because i would get a short break. But now, i'm back for a whole year. I can't get away. I have no big breaks to look forward to. It will be day, after day, after day, of the same thing. If things haven't improved on last year, i just don't know how i'll survive.

Don't forget on top of all that, i'm supposed to be learning and working. How can i in a place like that? That's just even more pressure.

I'm scared. I'm just scared.

I feel sick, and i'm scared, and i'm trapped, and there's no way out. I'm stuck in this place, with these people, 6 and a half hours a day, 5 days a week, for 10 and a half months. And there's nothing i can do.

And i'm all alone. Even the one person i could trust, Mrs OC, is taking long-service leave.

I don't know if i can handle this. I worry it's going to crush me.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Stop beating yourself up and making yourself a victim. You have to go to school so there's no point acting like this when it hasn't even started yet.

Peter said...

Well, there is nothing I can do to help you other than what I've already tried to do.

Good luck! That's all I can tell you.

aron2631 said...

sounds like you need to re-read your own blog.

Razz said...

keep your head up, and be confident. and imagine those wankers getting beat up by aj. aj is a hard man, even though he likes to cook. lol!

"elderegl"

Lindsay said...

Hey MB, you are stronger than you think you are at the moment.
Sure you can't change what others think, say or do.
But it is not the end of the world, even though it may feel like it.
Don't allow the fear to attack you as well.
You will survive.

Oddly enough as I write this, Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" is playing on a compilation CD.

I think it speaks to you at present.
Here are the words:

True Colors - Cyndi Lauper

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh, I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
Your true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow


(Can't remember when I last saw you laughing)

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow.

MB, you are not alone and you are beautiful like a rainbow.

Cristian said...

You have to be strong kid. I have been there too and i think it is the best advice i can give you. Good luck.

mirrorboy said...

Thanks Lindsay.

AJCon89 said...

I have faith that you are strong enough... You are a wonderful, wonderful person who is full of life and people will realize that. But until then live by the mantra "fuck 'em"

If they don't like you or mistreat you... Fuck 'em...

Its their loss... You have so many friends here and we all love you so much... Come to us when you need to escape or vent... Use us...

I love you and have faith in you... So much faith you could not begin to imagine... You are one of the bravest people I know.

Love ya.

Peace,
AJ

Oh and razz... Remember... I ended up cracking a few of my ribs... I aint that hard... lol

"Shooterh" - What a guy wants to do to his wife when she is acting like a cunt... lol

naturgesetz said...

*hugs*

You need a support system, I think, if the attitude of other people is so unbearable. When you can't bear something yourself, you need people to help you.

For one thing, I must say, you never posted details of the name-calling and teasing. I don't recall that you ever actually told us that it was happening. You didn't even tell us, as far as I can recall, what the guy who got suspended actually did. I say this not to criticize: you are under no obligation to tell us anything that you don't feel like talking about. But if you tell us the worst things that happen each day, or even each week, we can at least sympathize and maybe even offer a suggestion or two. Your readers want to let you share your troubles with us.

But more important is support on the scene. I think it would be good for you to have people you can confide in right there. For example, what about this friend whom you have been visiting. Lean on him for support and encouragement. And you've never seemed to care for my suggestion of telling your mum about what's going on, but I still think that she'd want to be able to support you in your trouble. I really think you're making a big mistake by trying to deal with all of this without her support and encouragement. The more you keep it to yourself, the harder it is for you.

Try to be the self-confident guy you were posting about a few weeks ago, and look for and accept all the support you can get, here and irl. You are not alone, and you can become even less alone.

God bless you and strengthen you.

cvn70 said...

mboy

i do not have the words to make it better, i have no advice for you to make it all happy but i remember your first email to me and the strenght you had, i will send it back to you if you want

you still have that strenght and i know the fears they will always be ther but you have trhe strenght within you

i offer you my prayers and thoughts, i promise i will be available to listen to you and offer support and i will write you messages to remind you that people care so much about you and to tell you wake up every day and keep going on

take care and be safe

bob

Anonymous said...

http://www.strangezoo.com/images/content/14639.JPG

Bitter And Sweet said...

I think im one of the only people that looks forward to school. Even when I was one of the only person out at school, I still wanted to see what the teachers had planned for me.... even if the work was never that hard.



And I know that my little picture says Linsay, but just know that it wasnt me. I know it is and I think I will have to give that old man a hard time for taking my name, or at least that little name.

Lindsay said...

MB, you are more than welcome mate.

And to "Bitter and Sweet", I'm sorry to take your name, but as you say I'm an old(er) man - and I was given it first...

But I'll let you borrow it...
for a while...

MB: I agree with naturgesetz, you need your mother on you side. This situation can bring you closer or drive you apart, depending on how much you share.
She loves you and accepts you, give her a chance to support you as well.

Cheers Mate.

Peter said...

I agree with N.G. about telling your mum. She will and can help you. And I don't think that anything you share will drive you two apart.

Cheer up buddy.

If you need anything let me know. I'm not going to go off on my cyber school rampage again. But if you continue to feel like this for a couple of weeks, you really need to find another alternative. Seriously.

Peter said...

oh, I guess I already posted a comment once today...opps.

Lindsay said...

Pete's comment made me realise that I wasn't very clear in what I meant about sharing with your mother.
I didn't mean that sharing anything with your mother could drive you apart.
Sharing can only bring you closer together.
It is the 'not' sharing of this situation that can become a gap in your relationship.

Sorry about the confusion.

Kim said...

Handling homophobia is hard, specially when you're alone. Remember, if you've got problems at school because of homophobia, it's the school's failing, not yours.

I'll try and make some constructive suggestions. You have got options, but you have to make them happen. Is there a counsellor you could see? They will know more than I do about what options you have. Take this along: www.ssafeschools.org.au/booklet/fpvssafeword-SSAFE-resources-WSR-booklet-1.pdf.

Here's some more stuff: http://www.bullyingnoway.com.au/issues/sexuality.shtml. The counsellor should know of more.

Could you try distance learning for a while? If not right through year 12, then perhaps for a semester or two. See http://www.distance.vic.edu.au.

But you've got to act. Don't wait. And get support.

pinstripe said...

Refer to msn.

one more year mate. VCE in Melbourne is just around the corner :)

Poisoned Happiness said...

You are stronger than that. You will survive. Just think positive and maybe something good will happen to you? Who knows....

Bitter And Sweet said...

sorry Lindsay for that, im just talking about this old man that i talk to on msn. Just so you know he isnt really that old in the first place. I just like to make fun of him and it gets him mad.

Mr. HCI said...

I don't know what it's like to be harassed at school for being gay as I was an in denial closet case when I was your age, plus there was no such thing as an "out" gay kid then.

I do know, however, what it's like to be harassed on a regular basis at school and it's horrible (I was the class scapegoat from grade two through eight).

I know it's tough but you have to be strong. It's easy for me to say that as I'm neither you nor there but, from what I know of you, you're an intelligent and very sweet kid and I hate seeing you hurting.

It probably sounds clichéd but you need to be fierce!

I don't mean as in violent but as in stand your ground and be proud of who you are. Don't let them think they've beaten you, even if you feel like they have. Don't let them see you hurting, even though it's hard.

Cry as much and as often as you need, just not at school. It helps, IMO.

To echo others, you need to confide in your mum. She already knows you're gay and hasn't stopped loving you, right? If you're getting shit at school from kids (or especially teachers) and the admin won't deal with it properly, she needs to know.

Keep working on your novel! Write a short story if/when you hit a block. If nothing else, it will help take your mind off school.

Remember that, even if the kids at school are nasty shits, you won't be there forever. Remember, too, that you have friends, fans and admirers all over the world. Can any of the little snots who try to get under your skin say that?

Darren said...

It's gross the kinds of feelings this resurrected in me as I read it...I'm so sorry you have to keep going through this. Luckily high school has an end.

Anonymous Blogger said...

Hey bud,

keep your head up. I just left high school and trust me, i know the feeling. It gets better, a lot better.

Tombi04 said...

Hey Mirrorboy. *hugs*
I know what you're going through. I had the same thing at my old school, and it sucks. When you feel bad, write it out. Whether you just bitch about all their crap on here,or write a poem or a story or something, find a way to release those emotions.

And like AJ said, get a fuck em attitude. Small minded pricks aren't worth the stress.

Love Ya,
Joshua.

Seth said...

Again, sorry I missed keeping up with my blog reading.

And I think I mentioned once before that if I had the power, to freeze time, move all the bullies in your school in front of a speeding truck, and then start time again...

:)

But seriously - only the best wishes for you there. Just remember - many of us have been in your shoes before, and despite many of "those days" feeling hopeless and alone, we DID make it through, and we're still here. You've got the strength to do the same.

*more hugs* :)

Planetx_123 said...

Good luck- I hated going to high school too. I don't have any good advice, but I look forward to read a blog of yours in a couple of years that says "I made it, its over, never again to I have to go back to that school". Im anxious for you. (big hug)

Steve