Here's The Full Story.

Stuff it. Some people's opinions mean shit to me anyway.

This is most likely the most personal post i've made so i hope i don't regret this.



As you might have noticed, i've been home during the day during the last few months. That's cos i left my old school a while ago. I got sick of being 'the gay kid' and the other names you can think of to describe that. I got sick of being at a place where people hated me. I got sick of the name-calling and people saying things about me behind my back and laughing at me and throwing things at me and making fun of me. It wore me down till i was a fragile mess and some days just literally couldn't get out of bed in the morning. When i broke down one morning at the kitchen table it was quite obvious to both me and my Mum that i couldn't do it any more.

So i didn't go back to school again.

Why? Because i would have had a breakdown. My psychologists diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder cos of what had happened to me and everyone in my life felt it was the right decision just to remove me from school and get away from that crap.

I was sad and anxious all the time and barely spoke to anyone.

That was a few months ago and since then i've been feeling better. I was removed from a stressful situation and i've slowly felt happier and less worried/anxious/sad etc.



Tomorrow, i start at a new place. It's not a mainstream school because it teaches careers and skills as well as education and takes all ages over 16.

I'm nervous as hell. Not just cos i'm going to a new school, in the middle of a term but cos of this...

My psychologists also diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder and social phobia. They often go hand-in-hand and are an awful combination. I know what they're talking about is for real because it describes how i feel perfectly.

from wikipedia

Body dysmorphic disorder ... is a psychiatric disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or minor defect in their physical features. The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation. It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD...

It's a serious thing.

The disorder is linked to significantly diminished quality of life and co-morbid major depressive disorder and social phobia. With a completed-suicide rate more than double than that of major depression, and a suicidal ideation rate of around 80%, BDD is considered a major risk factor for suicide

As for me, i hate everything about myself and how i look. I've hinted to that before.

Then there's the social phobia.

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social anxiety or social phobia is a diagnosis within psychiatry and other mental health professions referring to excessive social anxiety (anxiety in social situations) causing abnormally considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some areas of daily life. The diagnosis can be of a specific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it.

That's me exactly. While i'm doing this, for those who keep asking, that ^ is why i don't show/post pics.

So, i worry about how i look a lot thanks to the body dysmorphia. And cos of the social phobia, i'm incredibly stressed and worried that people will judge me on how i act or look and it will be hard to feel comfortable and make friends.

So going to a new place for an education, will be incredibly hard for me, and that's what has been on my mind recently.

It's almost bedtime. When i wake up, it's time to get ready for school and i'm hoping i'll be okay. I'm terrified that i won't fit in, or that things will go the same way that they did at my old school. Plus, there's the tinyyyy fact that i'm a homosexual and that fucked up my life before. It's times like this that i wish i weren't gay.

My psychologists have given me a few tips to help reduce my stress and anxiety etc. so we'll just have to see how i go.

Wish me luck cos i'm sure as hell gonna need it.

love