Sunday, May 24, 2009

Here's The Full Story.

Stuff it. Some people's opinions mean shit to me anyway.

This is most likely the most personal post i've made so i hope i don't regret this.



As you might have noticed, i've been home during the day during the last few months. That's cos i left my old school a while ago. I got sick of being 'the gay kid' and the other names you can think of to describe that. I got sick of being at a place where people hated me. I got sick of the name-calling and people saying things about me behind my back and laughing at me and throwing things at me and making fun of me. It wore me down till i was a fragile mess and some days just literally couldn't get out of bed in the morning. When i broke down one morning at the kitchen table it was quite obvious to both me and my Mum that i couldn't do it any more.

So i didn't go back to school again.

Why? Because i would have had a breakdown. My psychologists diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder cos of what had happened to me and everyone in my life felt it was the right decision just to remove me from school and get away from that crap.

I was sad and anxious all the time and barely spoke to anyone.

That was a few months ago and since then i've been feeling better. I was removed from a stressful situation and i've slowly felt happier and less worried/anxious/sad etc.



Tomorrow, i start at a new place. It's not a mainstream school because it teaches careers and skills as well as education and takes all ages over 16.

I'm nervous as hell. Not just cos i'm going to a new school, in the middle of a term but cos of this...

My psychologists also diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder and social phobia. They often go hand-in-hand and are an awful combination. I know what they're talking about is for real because it describes how i feel perfectly.

from wikipedia

Body dysmorphic disorder ... is a psychiatric disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or minor defect in their physical features. The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation. It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD...

It's a serious thing.

The disorder is linked to significantly diminished quality of life and co-morbid major depressive disorder and social phobia. With a completed-suicide rate more than double than that of major depression, and a suicidal ideation rate of around 80%, BDD is considered a major risk factor for suicide

As for me, i hate everything about myself and how i look. I've hinted to that before.

Then there's the social phobia.

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social anxiety or social phobia is a diagnosis within psychiatry and other mental health professions referring to excessive social anxiety (anxiety in social situations) causing abnormally considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some areas of daily life. The diagnosis can be of a specific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it.

That's me exactly. While i'm doing this, for those who keep asking, that ^ is why i don't show/post pics.

So, i worry about how i look a lot thanks to the body dysmorphia. And cos of the social phobia, i'm incredibly stressed and worried that people will judge me on how i act or look and it will be hard to feel comfortable and make friends.

So going to a new place for an education, will be incredibly hard for me, and that's what has been on my mind recently.

It's almost bedtime. When i wake up, it's time to get ready for school and i'm hoping i'll be okay. I'm terrified that i won't fit in, or that things will go the same way that they did at my old school. Plus, there's the tinyyyy fact that i'm a homosexual and that fucked up my life before. It's times like this that i wish i weren't gay.

My psychologists have given me a few tips to help reduce my stress and anxiety etc. so we'll just have to see how i go.

Wish me luck cos i'm sure as hell gonna need it.

love

38 comments:

Kevin Wilson said...

Being that this new school is a selective or specialised one, you may find yourself in the company of other people with similar issues as your own which would be a good thing generally because you could relate to them more easily than at a mainstream school.

I think you are going to do okay now but I will wish you good luck with everything.

cvn70 said...

mboy

first of all you did the right thing by leaving a place that was just awful and now give this new place a chance.

i am not an expert but you are working with your doctor to over come something in your head and that is where it is.

When you meet those new people this morning they dont know you and you dont know them. And i am sure you are not as bad looking as me so what's the worry :)

hey seriously those people you met in melbourne gave you a hug so your are a huggable guy just remember that

Give them a chance to meet you and you dont have to disclose anything to anyone until you are ready.

Keep that chin up and look people in the eye shake thier hand and (say i am the best person you will ever meet lol) but seriously just introduce yorself and let them introduce themselves to you.

Ice breaking is hard but once done can lead to benefits

people caused you problems and you have a right to be worried but people can also help you get over them so give them a chance buddy.

SO have a good day in school and learn some thing

tak e care and be safe

my friend hugs

bob

Highwayman said...

Dusty,
I wish you the best of luck in your new school. If there is ever anything tha I can do to help you along in your new journey, just ask. Until then you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

naturgesetz said...

That's a lot to have to deal with. Thanks for letting us know and try to understand what you're going through.

Everybody is a little bit nervous about a new situation, but I guess your anxieties go beyond that. Just remember the tips your psychologists gave you, and remember that we're all with you in spirit.

*hugs*

Go get 'em!

AJCon89 said...

Mboy...

I love you and I am sure you will do great... I have all the confidence in the world for you... you can use some of mine if you feel unsure... :-P

Really... just try to think of this as a new start and a world of new opportunities... god I wish I could have a new start right now...

I know you will feel like the new guy that no one knows for the first few days... but that is natural... When I went to college I felt so alone till I found a few friends in classes... I know once you get to know a few people they will love you just like people here love you... dont worry about it...

You are an amazing person with the most amazing personality... you are sweet and funny and smart and caring and few other things I love about your personality but I wont mention... hehe... but you are a great guy... hell... your personality alone turned me into your friend...

I really hope that this new place and this new start allows the world to see the real Mirrorboy... the one we love... the one that is sooooooo amazing.

*massive hugs*

I love you buddy... you mean the world to me.

Now go make me proud... (psst... that wasnt a request... lol)

Peace,
AJ

PoisonedHappiness said...

You have as much of any disorder as you let it overtake your life. And if you fear of something - fight with it.

Daniel said...

Heyy, you know this is my first comment ever so feel proud eh ;) Just wanna say (I know this sounds absolutely totally utterly lame and it won't help you at all)... Hang in there! Life will be better, later. Trust me on that one.

Love
D

Mr. HCI said...

Oh, man! I am hugging you so hard right now you're probably gonna pop. Good thing it's only mentally. You're a fantastic kid. Hang in there!

Tombi04 said...

Sweetie, AJ already said it all. It's honestly not a big deal. I've been there, and I know how hard it feels, but once you do it it's so much easier. Kinda like being able to tell people you're gay.

Homonormative said...

Cool post! I think I have those two disorders too, but probably to a slightly milder extent...

I'm sure your new school is going to be great.

Cheers!

Ray's Blog said...

Mboy,

This move is for the best!

My nephew was having major problems dealing with other students in school and we couldn't understand the reason until we found out that he has Asperger Syndrome (a form of autism). One of the symtoms is Social Anxiety disorder.

My brother made the choice to take him out of mainstream school and put him in a special school that could handle the situation better.

My nephew was going throught the same feelings as you are now, but was able to adjust and make new friends.

He's graduating from High School in 1 week.

If he can do it, I know you can.

I too hope you don't regret telling us this. Just remember you've got a lot of friends here that support and care for you.

*hugs*
Mike

Planetx_123 said...

I love you mirrorboy! My heart aches for you, and I just want to hug you :-) Honestly I thought you were on MSN when you should've been at school but didn't ask. I figured that my timezone calculation must've been wrong or there were some aussie holidays or something :-)

You have one of the most lovable, adorable, and awesome personalities of anyone I have met. Let these new people get a chance to see this--you can't fail if you let them see the same person you let us see online.

I can't wait to know how your first day goes! Much Love and a bijillion hugs!!

Steve

Tyler said...

good luck Mboy!

xthecouragex said...

Mboy-

I figured this was what you meant in the last post but I didn't want to push it.

I know a while ago you said that you liked the online version of you better than the real life one. I hope you recognise this opportunity as a way to make both versions of you one and the same.

I think Steve put it best when he said:
"you can't fail if you let them
see the same person you let us
see online. "

I hope you get up tomorrow and read all these comments showing all these people that are in your corner. I hope it gives you some confidence in yourself knowing that so many people love you and care about you. If we can fall in love with you here then you should be able to show the same personality in real life.

I have no doubt that you'll be okay in the end. I know your a great person and one of the best friends I have on here, and you don't just get that by acting (and being) cute =P

Best of luck, even though I know if you just be yourself you wont need it.

Don't worry too much, don't over analyze or over think the situation, just be yourself.

I love you.

*hugs*

deejohn said...

Good luck for Monday m/b. To some of us it might remind us of that first day in a new job. Something I've always hated.
But the trick is to be aware, as you no doubt will be, that everyone is looking at you, the new boy. But I find the best way to get round this is to act cool as though it's not affecting you. You'll then find that the new people wont focus on you so much and that after a full week you'll feel like you've been there forever.
So turn your fear into inquisitiveness. Like ask yourself what new things can I learn here? What new friends can I make.

I once made some priceless friends in a job that I first thought of leaving after just one day there.

Good Luck.

love D.

Wet Kyle said...

Take a deep breath and proceed. The future is yours. Don't look back.

I don't need nor want to see your photo. I do not show mine.

I know you through your words. There are many radio personalities that have great voices and when you see them in person you might be disappointed because they are overweight or just don't live up to your expectations.

I heard that a lot of silent movie actors had terrible voices and couldn't transition to talking movies. The world changed and they didnt have the voice to continue.

Mirrorboy, you are in the digital media world and have a talent for writing. That's what your fans want. Don't try to please people who want something that you do not want to give. Peace.

J said...

Where were your teachers and school administrators when all the teasing and bullying were going on? I sure hope someone raised hell about that. And as for your new school, you should have the right to insist that you not be shuffled off to some trade school that will not advance your future. You are, after all, a very capable writer who should be in a college preparatory, if not an honors, curriculum. Surely Australia has laws that protect your rights in this regard. The fact that it has gone this far is a disgrace, and if I was there I'd kick some offical ass until they treated you in a civilized fashion. You did not make a mistake in revealing this, because your problems are largely situational. I hope some of your many readers include those who are conversant with educational rights and procedures in your country who can chime in. You do have an international following. (Have you ever googled "Mirrorboy"?) We need to know more, not less, about this new school and what people are doing to meet your needs, so don't be shy.

J said...

I have another idea--You are seeing psychologists right now. Have you checked in with a psychiatrist? Body dysmorphic disorder is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Did you know that certain kinds of anti-depressant medications are also very effective in treating o-c, so if you don't take one of those you probably should try one out. You might just kill two birds with one stone. By the way, we now know why you chose the moniker Mirrorboy, because body dismorphics spend an inordinate amount of time looking at their supposed defects in the mirror. Just remember that our collective mirror proclaims you the fairest of them all.

Pilgrim said...

Shattered Glass or Mirrors in this case. I fully follow J. No bad blood, M-boy! Propz Pilgrim

Mr McCabbage said...

I had all those (badly) until a stunning BF turned up, who would have no such nonsense from me :)

Probably after your history you'd have too much self-control, leading to tunnel vision in society, which causes blundering. By having to make unreal what is real, we end up making real what is unreal; physical reality becomes ghostly. Nowadays when I start seeing demons on gate posts and in empty corners, I get therapy. The trick is to give up control - we control very little anyway. Be more like a guest in society, less of a host .. On my first day at a large company I had to go sit with the mean boss over lunch. All sat there just waiting for me. As I took my seat, my woven tie dipped into my tea on the table, sucking the cup dry. The boss nearly killed himself laughing. We have been friends ever after.

A very effective cure is full body Swedish massage. Tell the therapist you need it for said psycho disorders and for poor circulation. This will teach you how to simply receive good stuff as a human. A pro therapist (at a spa, or a health & beauty shop) will respect you and your body in a way you can't understand now. Remember that your psycho disorders resulted from the way you were treated. Your cats are fine because you pet them. It is very worth while learning to do massage as well, small hands or not. You are an excellent channel for good energies, and when a friend is in a bad state it can do wonders.

Cold hands and feet mean you retract your aura away from your extremities - but it is your political duty to please take the space you deserve, otherwise the wrong side wins! You are here to convince many of this, so start with yourself. Print this post and show your folks, women understand massage better than men. They can have some treatments too when they take you. Without petting, babies die and humans slowly go insane. Hopefully now you realise that you can't ignore it? And the psycho disorders are just the beginning, later you'd face eczema, ulcers on the legs and even more gross things. Turn it around now, make pro massage a regular thing. Virtual hugs are no use for the real bodies we have.

James said...

Okay, I'm coming out of hiding because I think I need to put in my voice of support here.

All the luck in the world, and I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say we love you just as much regardless of condition. I hope your treatment goes well and produces results...just be willing to work with the therapist.

As for the pics, probably better not to post them anyway; anonymity is a good thing to have in the E-world.

Best of luck at the new school my friend, we're all rooting for you! *BEAR HUGS*

Jeremy said...

Well... everyone's already said what came to mind, so I guess I'll just say... good luck :)

And for the record, your appearance doesn't matter :P

*hugs*

Len said...

MMRboy, I have been following your blog for a short while and it would not be right to say i know you, or anything about you. May I say first of all that i think you ar courageous and very attuned to your life.

This move is (it sounds like) the best thing for you. If you follow what your thrapist and mom tell you i see no reason why you should not be OK. Yes it will be hard but i am sure you will get through it and you have all of our support thats for sure.

For what it is worth and without even seeing what you look like and no one should judge a book by it's cover in anycase. You are a fine lad with some issues that you are addressing and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Go forth and be friends with your new people and "Believe in Yourself" you can do what ever you want.

Good Luck my friend let us know how you go.

Cheers buddy

Shannon said...

mboy,

I am sending you good luck and warm hugs. Hope that things go well for you. I am sure they will. To effect such a change in your life takes courage. To put yourself outside your comfort zone takes courage. I take yourself to places where you can grow takes courage.

You are stronger than you think.

Go for it babe.

Shannon

Landyn said...

I love u a ton man, ur the reason I have felt so at home
Here on my blog. I know online support is nothing like real support, but know that I am rooting for you 100% and know that you are gonna do great.

Please keep me updated and such. Love you lots and lots.

Rhythym Changes said...

Mboy! Good luck! I know how hard it is to make new friends (hell I don't even know how I have the ones I do now), but I have the utmost confidence in you!

I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through (and are probably still going through) but I'm glad I can help to make you feel better when you're down. I really do admire you a great deal.

I have more to say but I'd rather just talk to you so I guess I'll just say that I loves you moar!

Matt

Spastic Fantastic said...

Hey Mirrorboy. just wanted to wish you all the best in your new school, you'll be in all our thoughts i'm sure.

*hugs* and best wishes

SF

Seth said...

*Super HUGS*
I've got a ton to say, but I'll need time to organize my thoughts so maybe I'll email you or whatever.

But, I wish, hope, and pray that your first day went well - its the most awful dreadful scary freaky feeling to be starting someplace new.

But, at the risk of sounding cliche or superficial or whatever, YOU CAN DO IT. Because you're ahead of the game in many respects - you're seeking help/treatment, you've acknowledged yourself being gay, and you and Mum have made a wise decision.

I guess its probably already too late since you're probably done with your first day - but just remember that no one there knows you - or knows anything about you - you can be whatever you want to be, whoever you want to be - and hopefully make things turn in your favor.

Anyway, talk to you soon
*more hugs*

kinderfield said...

good luck mboy
as i have said, your beautiful anyways and talking to you is always fun
<3
Kinderfield

Aek said...

Hey Mboy,

Pretty much everyone's already said it. I think you have a lot of inner strength, more than you know or maybe even willing to show outwardly. I wish you the best of luck at your new school.

Take things in stride, and listen to what your psychologist is telling you. I hope things get better soon. :)

Aahsazyl said...

now you have names for all these things
im sure that will help
good luck in the new school
and if they dont like you you can always bash some heads in :P

Sethy said...

I have been following you for ages, but I don't think I have ever commented before, but it just seems like one of those times that I need to.

If you haven't figured it out yet, there is a ton of love out there, and the biggest clue is the love that beams through the digital world to you.

You have enormous beauty that shines from within, through your words, your thoughts, your obvious empathy and love for those around you.

I am pretty certain that if I met you in the street, no matter what you actually look like, I would feel that same love and beauty shining through.

Good luck. Change is one of the most stressful things we experience, but it is also the one thing that we look back on later and wonder why we stressed so much about it.

I am reaching out now with an enormous virtual hug along with everyone else. Wear our hugs over the next few weeks and hopefully it will give you the strength to face whatever challenges that may come your way.

Much love

Sethy

exalen said...

Hey Mirrorboy,

It's Monday arvo so your first day is already over. First days are scary and it's understandably so for you.

But I seriously hope that everything went well. Making friends and finding your place always takes some time, so don't get down if you're still adjusting.

I'm glad that you have someone to talk to and that you have a great support group here.

You're a beautiful kid, mate, and one day you'll reralise that too.

billy said...

Jesus that sounds so familiar.

In my teenage years I was this tall, gawky completely uncoordinated kid. I hated my body. It was useless. Hair everywhere, if someone threw me a ball it just hit me in the face. I reached rock-bottom when I was 18, and a big part of getting back together was looking after myself: eating well and jogging. The buzz you get from exercise is fantastic. Seeing your body get fitter week by week just makes you feel good about yourself.

I still struggle with social anxiety disorder. It's ok when i'm with good friends and people i love, and that's what you'll find when you get to Uni in Melbourne. But faced with random encounters with people I'm not close to I run a mile.

Make a big effort with people you meet in the new course. Sometimes remarkable friendships can happen when outsiders learn to trust each other.

Doomed But Cheerful! said...

"I am Mirrorboy. I am wonderful. I am unique. I am talented. I am special. I am desirable. I am Mirrorboy. You probably wish you were me: if you don't, you will soon."

To be said to the bathroom mirror, 3 times, 3 times daily.

Please return for a review after the first week of this course of treatment.

You will be fine. Best wishes.
G =]

Handsome Devil said...

D DON'T WORRY WE DON'T NEED A PIC OF YOU, JUST YOUR SWEETNESS AND ONGOING SENSITIVITY AND CHARACTER WE HAVE COME TO LOVE- IN YOU, I'VE MADE A GREAT FRIEND, SOMEONE WHO i CAN TALK WITH AND SMILE WITH, i DUNNO ABOUT YOUR BODY IMAGE YOU HAVE OF YOURSELF, BUT THE ONE I HAVE IN MY HEAD OF YOU ,IS PERFECT...

goleftatthefork said...

everything has been said - just go get 'em! head high, feet forward, smile on your face

Micky said...

At sixteen I suddenly realised wot Wet Kyle was talking about.

You can stop being a kid, being told what to do all the time and begin to stand on your own feet, make your own decisions and take the world by the scruff of the neck.

That liberation - and that's wot it is - is there for you to stand up and take.

Look carefully around you at school and see how the older guys are organising their own lives.

Start to see wots possible and how U don't have to be put upon by others any more.

Oh and why do you think we all use someone's else's pic for our Profiles in Blogland? Do we all look a million dollars? I rather think not!

We all choose to hide.