Woke up this morning, and as per usual, went back to sleep for half an hour before i got out of bed. Had my shower and washed my hair. Got out and dried myself. Put on my shirt and jumper. Went back to the bathroom and looked at (picked on) myself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes. Gelled my my hair, put in my contacts, brushed my teeth. Put on my jeans and had breakfast. Grabbed my mobile, iPod, wallet, tissues, keys, lunch, and got into my Grandma's car. We went down to school, and, as per usual, could not find a park. Headed inside the school and up the 2 flights of steps and went to the year 10 office.
And there i was informed that i don't have any classes today. lol
But while i was there i got my classes sorted out. I get Tuesdays and Fridays off. Mondays 9am-1pm. Wednesdays 9am-11am. Thursdays 9am-1pm. It's because i'm coming in halfway through the term, that some of the classes just weren't suitable.
It's a good thing (not just cos i get free time etc etc.) but this will help ease me back into a situation that was quite traumatic for me before.
1st semester ends in 5 or so weeks, and after that my hours at school will go up. eg. monday will turn into a 9am-4pm day.
Had my psych appointment today. We're working on how i see myself. Why i focus on all the bad things and struggle to find good things about myself. Why i hate everything about my body, and other fun stuff like that. I'm incredibly negative about myself. I make derogatory comments about myself all the time without even realising it. I think working with the psychologists will help me.
If it doesn't, i'm fucked. lol
But anyways. I've held it together for this long. I'm a fighter.
Still nervous about tomorrow.
love
I'd like to keep this untitled.
14 years ago
20 comments:
Good to hear.
That school sounds fantastic. Here's to mboy blossoming in newfound confidence in his awesomely university like and cruisy school.
Keep up that positivity mate. You're doing great. :)
lotsa trans tasman love
I implore you to please be more optimistic about yourself!!!
Mirrorboy, I hope your view on yourself improves.
Also, don't look at yourself in the morning. Do it at night. In the morning everyone looks less attractive. It's how we work. Ever noticed you look better at night than the morning the next day?
I heard about studies of this. Its the chemicals running through us at different times of the day I believe.
Or am I just strange? (probobly)
Have a good day tomorrow.
Bombadil
you're doing all the right things - just one step at a time and you'll be amazed at where you end up!
Mboy,
Boy, I wish I had a 3-day week again. (that was over 30 years ago, ugg!)
Glad today was a good day!
*HUGS*
Mike
Wow thats a nice schedule! I too am incredibly negative towards my self-image. Once a friend asked me what was one thing that I liked about my appearance. I had never thought about this, and I actually thought of a few things that I liked about my appearance.
So what is one thing that you like about your appearance? There must be at least one.
Hugs
Steve
MB, I take it from the comments that ppl have been saying some things that are hurtful and unkind. Some ppl are just bastards and we are better off ignoring them.
I am not one of those, from me you will get positive encouragement.
You seem to be fitting in well and nothing like having some spare time on your hands (until next semester), make the most of it.
Things are looking up and the light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a train comming at you lol
Cheers Bud
mboy
things sounds like they are going fine. Now just keep going and try to do yuor best.
take care and be safe
bob
glad you are working so hard for yourself. It gives me great hope. Body shame is so hard to deal with. My therapist had me work through "Letting Go of Shame" by Potter-Efron. Continue to work hard.
Everything sounds good. I think the psychologists are the most important, because when you take care of the issues you're dealing with there, everything will feel better.
Congrats on being on a good path.
*hugs*
You don't have to be nervous.
You are perfect the way you are ;)
hugs
Haha, no classes. That's great. :P Sounds like a pretty light remainder of the semester, and as you said, more time to ease into things.
I also hope the psychologist helps. But hey, we all have flaws, we just have to ignore/look past some of them.
Ugh I wish I had school that started at freakin 9:00 am when I was in high school! (I had to be there by 7:30 every morning)
What you should have, my dear, is someone telling you everyday how beautiful/cute/hot/wonderful/sexy/attractive you are. *volunteers* You are always your worst critic and it would probably help if you had someone telling your wrong.
And I hate that when you are all ready for something and then it get's canceled or it was never on in the first place. I always feel so lost...
Loves
Matt
m/b, thats some good advice from Tom. Of course we dont look our best first thing in the morning. And you'll be amazed how radiant you can look after a jog or some heavy garden work.
Even I'm beginning to believe that too much cyber world is not good for the body. (Decision time for me again).
Now if only I was down your way I'd give you free tennis coaching Haha! That would give you rosy cheeks!!!
So can any of us tempt you into some sort of physical recreational activity just to bring on some badly needed rushes of adrelanin.
Anyway the School hours seem great for now.
Take Care.
D. xxx
So they're not griding you down - just accidentally giving you loads of time to do what U want.
So do take advantage!
It really is time to stop worrying about what folk think of you (or what you think they think) and start to do your own thing as U want.
You're old enough now & you've got a great chance here to relax a bit and maybe even get to enjoy life a some.
Afteral - you're not being picked on anymore. And my guess is you won't be. But if anything shld start, you just yell, very loudly at the school authorities.
As other guys have said - these won't be new probs to them. I think the world might just be on your side now!
Washing your hair FTW :)
Shouldn't you put your lenses in before you gel your hair (and get gell all over your fingers)? Thats a big OCD thing for me when putting in my lenses - wash hands first, touch or do nothing else first, etc.
I am glad you are getting to "ease" into school a little - definitely will be a big help and not as overwhelming all at once.
Great that you are going to the psych also - definitely a useful thing. And yes you are a fighter - self-esteem is a hard thing to come by, but it is inside you, just buried under other things that you can work through.
What are you nervous about "tomorrow" ?
Good to hear everything is going well for you and hope they continue to go in your favor :)
Let me tell you how lucky you are. Tuesdays off I would only dream. But tuesdays for me are art days and an excuse to do absolutely nothing :)
Hope you're good
coolness
xoxo
Mboy--you wrote about your classes but didn't say what they were and whether or not they instruct on at least the same level as your former school, especially in english composition.
The psychologists are using cognitive behavior therapy to prevent your slipping into obsessional thoughts. That is helpful, but I suspect the therapy would be better if coupled with a light dose of a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Please ask about it, and never, ever, settle for second best when it comes to your future. You don't owe it to me or any other anonymous nag on the internet. You owe it to yourself.
@ J - I'm sure the educational levels are similar. But there is also the added factor that the other parts of the school day (the social factors) may be much easier for mboy, which is something he needs, to get his footing, and to feel comfortable - and thats a good thing.
Also, while I do believe in medication, I don't believe you should jump right into swallowing pills. I think it could certainly help, but thats a LONG road of ups and downs, trials and failures, etc. Perhaps its better for our mboy to just start with the therapy and see if he can make some progress with that. Then at a later time, add in the meds if needed.
Hey man. I just happened to run across your blog sort of randomly. I won't subject you to the crap that has been my life, but I just wanted to say that I feel for ya. At the risk of just sounding like some old pedo or something, if you ever need anything, like to vent or talk about random psych crap or whatever, feel free to drop me a line. I will warn though, that I spent six years in the US Marine Corps, so I can be a little foul mouthed. :) According to the little page thing at the bottom, it'll e-mail me follow up comments, so you should be able to get in touch with me if you choose to.
Anyway, no expectations on my part. For whatever serendipitous reason, I just felt the need to reach out just a little. It doesn't happen very often these days, but here we are and here we go.
Take care of yourself man. :)
keep looking forward not back. You may feel you are all alone but you are not.
Gay is the new straight.
Freespirit
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