Tuesday, December 30, 2008

M-Boy's year in review, as told through my diary.

Lol yup. I have a diary, in which i write the sort of stuff that i wouldn't tell anyone, let alone post on a blog for the world to see.

I also use it to keep track of everything major that happens in my life... so that one day, i would, perhaps, look back and remember.

It turned out that 2008 was the biggest year of my life by far.

So now i'm going to take a look back at some of the major and minor events of the year...

Only the ones that are suitable for blogging about, of course. ;)



It's not often that i make posts this personal...



I'll start with some things from my first entry, January the 5th.

I was optimistic.

At this stage, even as a 14yo, after a lot of work, i had lost 13.5 kilograms, or about 30 pounds. ^_^

I also wrote...

"I'm really starting to settle into my sexuality. I don't like girls, i do like boys. It's as simple as that. I just wish i had someone to be myself with."

On the 12th of January, i moaned about there only being 2 weeks left of my school holidays, and that i wouldn't get to wank as much as i wanted to anymore.

Also, i wrote...

"This morning i had an incredible dream. It was like a love dream. There were some incredible bits with a boy called Ben, who didn't talk much and was in a really Christian family who didn't like the fact that he was gay. In my dream i really loved him and we walked around his bright house with my arm around his back and up to his shoulder. It was a really nice dream and i wish i hadn't woken up..."

Almost all of my dreams are happy ones. I can't remember the last time i had a bad dream...

I was near the start of my story, and had only written 60 pages of it at this point.

In my January 25 entry, i wrote about how i was considering coming out to my friends, but didn't think i could because they were 'total homophobes'.



On the 2nd of February, after i had been at school for 2 days, my new-found self-confidence had disappeared.

"Well, the moment i walk through that gate, i slip back into being my old self. I'm too shy and i'm trying not to be noticed. I'm too self-conscious and i know that i can't change it unless i have a fresh start somewhere else..."

I was also considering coming out to my friend Matthew...

"But i'm not sure if he's mature enough to understand."

On the 18th of February, i wrote about getting my first taste of the internet at home, because i had gotten dial-up internet recently.

"I really want to look at some gay sites, but i just have to be careful that Mum doesn't find out - unless i want her to..."

Isn't that interesting? What was i thinking? lol

I wanted to be outed...

Obviously it was too much of a burden.



On the 2nd of March, i talked about how during days off, i 'reinforced my gay side'.

I'd been reading gay stories and coming-out stories on my new internet. That was a completely new world to me, and was helping me to accept myself more.

Yet i still indulged in a bit of self-hatred, listing things about myself which i hated.

It's no surprise that i seemed to put myself down more when school was on...

On the 13th of March, i struggled to answer when someone at school asked me if i was gay. They weren't even serious, but i still found it incredibly hard to say 'no'.

That hurt. I hated lying.

On the 21st of March, i wrote this... which i find incredibly amusing now... ^_^

"Internet stuff has me thinking, wouldn't it be great to be one of those tech-savvy people who could chat to people on the internet and make friends and stuff? Of course it would. Sometimes i think my life is so boring, but some good friends would make it so much better..."



You're starting to understand just how much this blog means to me now, aren't you?

This is the me before the blog, who spent nights dreaming of the life i have now.

Thank you all for being the friends i used to dream of having.



On the 3rd of April, i decided that having my best friend read my story, which had a gay character in it, would help me to judge if he was a homophobe or not, because i was seriously considering coming out to him.

I also referenced my desire for gay online friends.



It seems that during April, i talked a lot about how school was getting me down, and how i dreaded some subjects in particular because of the people who were in them.

I was taking sick days when i didn't need them.

And one of the worst decisions of my life, started on the 21st of April.

I wrote about it, although i didn't know what i was getting myself into.

"I've decided to wag school today. Mum has gone to her school for the day, so i just pray that she isn't home early."

Yeah... That's when 'that' started... We'll get to 'that' later though.



7th of May.

My Mum came into my room while i was wanking... to pictures on my pc. I pulled my blankets up in time, but while she was standing there... behind her, was my computer screen... with gay porn on it!

But... she didn't see them.

The funny thing is, although it was possibly terrible scenario...

I talked about how, for a moment there, i actually wanted her to see the pictures.

It's obvious how desperately i wanted to come out, even if it was out of my hands.



On the 10th of May, i moaned about how my Grandma was coming to stay at my house for 2 weeks while my Mum was away.

On the 18th though, i said it wasn't too bad. At least i didn't have to walk to and from school, because she drove me.

I didn't like it that she had early nights though, because i always had to turn my music down early. lol

On May the 26th, i wrote about how i was considering a gay relationship between 2 characters in my story, which goes to show that i was making most of it up while i went along. :P



Now... getting back to 'that' for a moment.

On the 10th of June, i wagged school again while Mum was out for the day.

Although i got caught and she was really angry... I did it again on the 17th.

-_-

But 'that' goes for a while yet... It comes to a conclusion later...



Now, something else major happens.

On the 24th of June, i was outed to my Mum - the 1st person ever.

She found the gay websites in my internet history which i had been looking at, and she called me out from my room.

"Why are you going to gay websites?" she said.

"...Why do you think?" i said hesitantly.

"...Are you gay?"

Silence...

"Are you gay?? It's a simple question! Yes or no?"

"...Yes."

She put her head in her hands.

I went back to my room while she talked to my gay cousin who she's close to, on the phone.

I wrote in my diary that...

"I'm quite relaxed. It's not the way that i wanted to come out, but i'm glad it happened. I can be myself around her now, i hope..."



Then later on that night, i wrote again...

"So, she's cool with it. We talked about a bunch of stuff. She's mostly worried that people will find out and make my life hell, but i'm trying to convince her that i can look after myself."

Then i started writing about how Rafael Nadal is hot... lol



This is interesting...

5th of July.

"I've been thinking about writing a blog. It might help me make some more friends... but i'm not even sure if a 15 year old is allowed to... and if i am, how far can i go? ...I need to do a bit of research, but if it's possible, it would be so much fun!"

10th of July.

"Anyways, i'm depressed cos i want gay friends... so badly. I hate my life so much cos i can't be myself anyone at school and i have to put up with my 'friends'' homophobic shit.

On the 12th, in big capital letters, i wrote.

MY LIFE SUCKS. I HATE MY LIFE.

I was really hating school.



Now, we come to 'that's conclusion.

On the 20th of July, i purposefully stayed up really late so i could have an excuse to have the day off from school the next day.

On the 23rd, i wagged school again while she was away for the day.

And... then i had a whole week off.

Every time i thought about school, i thought about how much of a hell it was, and i just preferred the warmth and safety of my own home, rather than the harshness of the school day.

I knew i was digging myself into a hole... but i still didn't stop.

"Staying home becomes a powerful addiction, cos i don't know if i really care anymore - putting up with c**ts every day."



Tuesday the 29th of July.

I actually titled it 'one more day'.

I'd decided that i would have that day off, and that the day after, i would go to school. I needed to get back there.

But... no.

I'd pushed it exactly ONE DAY too far.

That was the day the school rang my house.

This is exactly what i wrote and how i wrote it...

"FUCK!

One day too far...

The school rang home and now Mum knows... What's gonna happen now? She's going to kill me.

Fuck.

I'm fucked.
Why didn't i go?

1 day too much...

Fuck.
I'm fucked.
I'm really really fucked.

1 fucking day.

I'M FUCKED."



Mum made me ring the school, and i was put down as 'truant'.

I had to go see the school psychologist as well.

Then i was back to school, and more miserable than ever.

Mum was very strict with days off from then on. Whenever she had to leave early as well, my Grandmother would have to come over to make sure i went to school.

Happy days...



Well, we got past that issue. At the very least, it made me decide to never ever wag school again. My Mum was under a lot of stress and didn't need to be worrying about me as well, so i went to school from then on, and the days off that i did have, she knew about. :)

Perhaps i needed that slapped into me. lol

I'm a good boy now.

It's not an issue anymore. :)



This whole time, i had still been thinking blogs.

On the 13th of August, i took my first little step into this big world of blogging, and i left a comment as 'mirrorboy' on the Queers United blog, which i had been reading for quite a long time.

That was a BIG thing for me.

It was my first interaction with anyone gay, apart from my cousin who i wasn't very close to.

So, yeah, this was my first interaction with the gay world. It made me very happy when the author even replied to my comment.

You can see mirrorboy's first little step here. ^_^

It made me incredibly happy. :D

"It gives me more incentive to start my own blog."



Then, of course, that desire grew, and on the 17th of September, i took that huge step and started my own blog.

And then, the rest of my life plays out amongst the posts on here.

If you haven't read the whole thing, i post all about making my first gay online friends, how my hopes (and fears) became reality, and how i was also outed at school, which was the biggest turning-point of my life, as you can imagine.

So, i've been writing for quite a while now, and need to wrap up.



I hope you understand how much this blog, and all of YOU, mean to me now.

You give me strength, and as you have seen, i used to have so little that i barely had the strength to face school.

Now, i am an incredibly different, and much stronger, happier, and even a slightly more confident, person.

Let's hope the next year is a happier one.

lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===

35 comments:

cvn70 said...

m-boy

thanks for the insight into your life over the last year. Do not let going back to school drag you down again.

You are close to being done with school and moving on to better things. Are you making headway with your story during the break?

I for one am happy that you are writing this blog and look for ward to future posts and learning more about you and Australia. have a nice day.

take care and be safe

bob

Anonymous said...

with so much new confidence, you're defo gonna have a better and happier new year

lol despite the highs and lows, it sounds like you've had an amazing year ;)

good luck to us all in the coming year!

KS

Poisoned Happiness said...

You are giving other strength too now with your blog, and real friendship power to those who you decided to also talk privately. Just what happened between you and AJ proves I am right. I quite envy those who are your close online friends.

naturgesetz said...

Wow, that's quite a year! I got into the blogosphere just a few weeks after you did, and you seemed so established when I encountered your blog that you had been around for a lot longer.

Some of what happened was done by others (being outed) and some was your own decision (wagging school, then deciding to stop). You have accepted the fact of your orientation. You have experienced that being outed may be unpleasant, but it is survivable. You have found a legion of admirers and some good friends on the internet. You showed the true love that is in you, especially when AJ had his crisis. I think, and I hope, that your growing confidence will enable you to approach school in a better frame of mind than last year. I forget exactly how you put it at first, but below "Leave your comment" you used to have something pleading with us to be kind. Now you say, "Say whatever the hell you want to. I'll just delete it if it's offensive." That shows a real growth in self-confidence. Carry that attitude to school.

Thanks for sharing those diary extracts with us. Congratulations on all the progress you made during 2008. I hope that 2009 will be way less stressful.

God bless you.

<3

(& <3 your cats lol)

aahsazyl said...

...I love you mirrorboy...and i'm sure you love you too...

Peter said...

I love you more!!!!!! And yes, I'm sure you love yourself more than anyone else here :P

Anyway, it has been a busy year for you. While I was reading about you and school, I was thinking about how much you would love doing cyber school. When I mentioned it to you the other day when we were talking, you said you didn't think you could do that there.

Well, I will look for you if you are interested.

Peter said...

It is possible for you to do cyber school in Australia. It will cost you some money. If you can't afford it you can come live with me because it's free here :P

Seriously though, if you want to look at the information, I will send it to you.

Let me know,

Pete

P.S. I love you 100,000,000 times more than aahsazyl.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting your feelings and thoughts about liefe. You are helping a lot of guys with your blog. Stay strong and have a great 2009.

Queers United said...

That's so cool I didn't know my blog was your first real interaction with gays and motivated you to start your own blog. That makes my day! Thanks :)

Fiction Writer said...

I love that 'to wag' means to ditch. =-) What a wonderful expression. I'll have to tell my roommates that I wagged class some day instead of saying I slept in and see what they say.

I love how connected your blog stories are to the journal entries. Did you go back through your diary as you wrote the blog? There's a very good correspondence in your chronology and sentiment. Maybe your teacher was right ;-)

Well, I hope the next year is as good as any. Peace.

xthecouragex said...

It's nice to finally know some of the things you went through before you got this blog. You had a really eventful year.

I agree that your self-confidence has increased. Even in the short amount of time I've known you. I really hope that with time you become even more comfortable in school and will be able to slowly open up to the real you. If that never happens, it wont be too long until you're done (the time goes by way too fast, trust me).

I hope 2009 is less stressful and happier for you as well. It's what you deserve, which i know you hear a lot. You really are a great friend, and I feel so lucky to have gotten the chance to talk to you and share with you somethings I haven't told anyone. I know for a fact I wouldn't tell that to just anyone so feel special damnit! haha

Happy New Year MBoy...hope 2009 is even better for you

Wat-So-Eva said...

i can understand ur stance in some ways.
the whole "not being able to be myself" in school and hating to lie to people & homophobes.. to the wishin of having gay mates to relate to.
~sigh~ but life moves on. who can tell? one day ur in highschool, the nxt, ur head-ova-heels with the "guy of ur dreams" =P

Aek said...

Fuck, you still only have dial-up internet?! Wow . . . that sucks. Maybe it's "high-speed" dial-up. How's the router thing coming along?

2008 has certainly been eventful for you - some good, some bad. Hopefully 2009 will be just as eventful (though, with more good and less bad).

Oh, and kudos to losing that much weight - I'm impressed (if you lost it in a healthy manner ;-P). I'm working on that, though not presently. New Year's resolution!

*hugs* You seem to be a much stronger and happier person than at the start of 2008.

victor the cosmonaut said...

er, if it's dial up, the router won't work. you'll need a proxy server, or another phone line. somehow i think we all assumed that everyone had high speed internet. sorry.
and btw, thanks for sharing pieces of your diary. you really have come a long ways in the past year. best wishes

mirrorboy said...

Noooooooooooooooo.

I do not still have dial-up internet. lol

I have broadband now. :P

EM said...

It's amazing how much diffrence "just" a blog can make!

Think how wonderful it will be once you leave school/move to a bigger city/go to university/meet someone/fall in love etc. and re-read this blog and see how long you've come since the start of it.
I hope you keep blogging until then...

James said...

*feels happy and loved and useful* ^_^

So your mom HAS caught you wanking, lol!

I hope we all continue to be useful and helpful friends in the years to come.

Peter said...

I wouldn't say she caught him since she didn't see him doing it.

More like a close call.

Doug said...

Mirrorboy - this was such a great post. I enjoyed reading it alot. Thank you for sure sharing your year with us and bringing us along in your journey.

You're an amazing addition to the blog world and am so glad that you decided to start up this blog.

I'm also happy to hear that us online folks have been able to make you more confident and happy. :) Brings a smile to my heart

Steevo said...

...if u let it, mb, your new confidence and, dare i say PRIDE, can make you much more attractive and interesting to other people, and not just possible BFs...

Since u r out remember that u r well noticed by other boys that are where u were a year ago. If they see you gain strength and confidence in being who u r, they will feel more confident themselves.

Intelligence and self-confidence are major components of "sex appeal" for lack of a better term. You have always had the former, and now the latter is coming on strong.

I'm glad you did not shut down this blog. I know you are too.

hugs ---- Happy NY!

steevo

Mr. HCI said...

The diary excerpts were interesting; thanks for sharing them!

About wanting to be caught: When I was 15/16 I had a big crush on someone in my Boy Scout troop. I used to wish I could get him to come for a sleepover then get caught having sex with him. Of course, that would've been a total disaster but it would've put everything out in the open, so I wouldn't have to hide anymore. Or so was my logic at the time. It never happened and, as it turns out, he's straight and married with kids.

Here's to a great 2009 for you!

mirrorboy said...

Lol. That'd have to be the best coming out situation ever.

Being caught with a cute boy in your bed. ^_^

Peter said...

Oh, I forgot to ask you about what you thought about cyber school while I was talking to you.

I really think you would like that SOOOOOOOOOOOO much more than going to school and dealing with the things you have said you have to deal with, even if it's not as bad as it was before.

Aek said...

"I have broadband now. :P"

Oh. Thank. God.

Happy New Year!! :D

victor the curious said...

so what's with the router, if you don't mind my asking.

mirrorboy said...

I'm gonna get one of my friends (who knows what he's doing) to come over someday and see if he can help figure it out.

And Peter, i just don't think that cyber-school is a possibility, and i'm also sure my Mum would never agree to it.

Peter said...

I checked, you can do it in Australia. Your mum is a different story though.

If you want go here:

http://www.k12.com/int/ (have no idea how to make that a link) and look on the right side of the page under "OLS Login" and select your country.

Peter said...

There are also some links at the top of the page that will give you a lot of info.

Zee said...

Thanks for the great post! You have a gay cousin! Why don't you talk with your cousin more? He probably could help and give great advice.

jay.osa said...

wow you have come a long way this year. even though you have had some hard times, you know yourself better and are ok with it. i am very happy for you.

jay.osa

Fitz said...

Hey M-boy

Just wanted to wish you a great new years. I am so glad to see how your life is changing and that you are gaining the strength to deal with the things that happen and face lifes challenges along the way. Always believe in yourself and know that you are a great person and should never let anyone else tell you otheriwise.

“We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.” Tom Robbins

Kevin Wilson said...

I think keeping a diary in the way you do plus blogging your other thoughts will be a good thing for you to look back on in the future.

I hope that 2009 brings you a lot of happiness and more friends (both online and real world) who you can turn to when you need that extra bit of support.

Jack said...

M-boy
you have no idea how much you blog has and will continue to influence others not only now but in the future.

Many time you mention in your blog how it must be so boring no one would read it but I find it so interesting I some times check more than once a day to see if you have posted anything new yet.

I like you knew at a young age that I loved BOYS. but was unable to act upon it. Too shy to talk to anyone about it and afraid of being outed. At that time I didn't even know what gay was, And thought I was a real weird-o as I thought I was the only one.

Without computers and internet, I eventually got married and have 3 kids. but always had to get away and find a guy for sex after we got a computer and internet and I learned how to find others.

Your blog is simply amazing to me and seems like a great tool that you are able to use to make friends and help others that are going through what you have already experienced.

Your year review is such a testament to your growth mentally this past year.

Well this is getting to long, it might bore you.

Just want to give YOU a big HUG and hope next year you are able to grow as much as you have in this past year.

Always remember that situations like some of the one's you have experienced lately will make us stronger if they do not kill us first, and I believe you are already strong enough that they will not kill you.

Keep caring about others and we will keep caring about you, REMEMBER you are a beautiful person with much to contribute to all of us that care about you.

Peter said...

"...I some times check more than once a day to see if you have posted anything new yet..."

I check back about 50 times a day. Well actually I don't know how many times I come here in one day. But it is more than 10!!

A little obsessed maybe?

Wolf said...

thats it, youve done it, youve inspired me to get a journal (sounds more manly than diary :P) lol

went out and got it this afternoon, so far as i can tell u owe me £1.50 lol

i do accept cheques

:)