M-Boy's year in review, as told through my diary.

Lol yup. I have a diary, in which i write the sort of stuff that i wouldn't tell anyone, let alone post on a blog for the world to see.

I also use it to keep track of everything major that happens in my life... so that one day, i would, perhaps, look back and remember.

It turned out that 2008 was the biggest year of my life by far.

So now i'm going to take a look back at some of the major and minor events of the year...

Only the ones that are suitable for blogging about, of course. ;)



It's not often that i make posts this personal...



I'll start with some things from my first entry, January the 5th.

I was optimistic.

At this stage, even as a 14yo, after a lot of work, i had lost 13.5 kilograms, or about 30 pounds. ^_^

I also wrote...

"I'm really starting to settle into my sexuality. I don't like girls, i do like boys. It's as simple as that. I just wish i had someone to be myself with."

On the 12th of January, i moaned about there only being 2 weeks left of my school holidays, and that i wouldn't get to wank as much as i wanted to anymore.

Also, i wrote...

"This morning i had an incredible dream. It was like a love dream. There were some incredible bits with a boy called Ben, who didn't talk much and was in a really Christian family who didn't like the fact that he was gay. In my dream i really loved him and we walked around his bright house with my arm around his back and up to his shoulder. It was a really nice dream and i wish i hadn't woken up..."

Almost all of my dreams are happy ones. I can't remember the last time i had a bad dream...

I was near the start of my story, and had only written 60 pages of it at this point.

In my January 25 entry, i wrote about how i was considering coming out to my friends, but didn't think i could because they were 'total homophobes'.



On the 2nd of February, after i had been at school for 2 days, my new-found self-confidence had disappeared.

"Well, the moment i walk through that gate, i slip back into being my old self. I'm too shy and i'm trying not to be noticed. I'm too self-conscious and i know that i can't change it unless i have a fresh start somewhere else..."

I was also considering coming out to my friend Matthew...

"But i'm not sure if he's mature enough to understand."

On the 18th of February, i wrote about getting my first taste of the internet at home, because i had gotten dial-up internet recently.

"I really want to look at some gay sites, but i just have to be careful that Mum doesn't find out - unless i want her to..."

Isn't that interesting? What was i thinking? lol

I wanted to be outed...

Obviously it was too much of a burden.



On the 2nd of March, i talked about how during days off, i 'reinforced my gay side'.

I'd been reading gay stories and coming-out stories on my new internet. That was a completely new world to me, and was helping me to accept myself more.

Yet i still indulged in a bit of self-hatred, listing things about myself which i hated.

It's no surprise that i seemed to put myself down more when school was on...

On the 13th of March, i struggled to answer when someone at school asked me if i was gay. They weren't even serious, but i still found it incredibly hard to say 'no'.

That hurt. I hated lying.

On the 21st of March, i wrote this... which i find incredibly amusing now... ^_^

"Internet stuff has me thinking, wouldn't it be great to be one of those tech-savvy people who could chat to people on the internet and make friends and stuff? Of course it would. Sometimes i think my life is so boring, but some good friends would make it so much better..."



You're starting to understand just how much this blog means to me now, aren't you?

This is the me before the blog, who spent nights dreaming of the life i have now.

Thank you all for being the friends i used to dream of having.



On the 3rd of April, i decided that having my best friend read my story, which had a gay character in it, would help me to judge if he was a homophobe or not, because i was seriously considering coming out to him.

I also referenced my desire for gay online friends.



It seems that during April, i talked a lot about how school was getting me down, and how i dreaded some subjects in particular because of the people who were in them.

I was taking sick days when i didn't need them.

And one of the worst decisions of my life, started on the 21st of April.

I wrote about it, although i didn't know what i was getting myself into.

"I've decided to wag school today. Mum has gone to her school for the day, so i just pray that she isn't home early."

Yeah... That's when 'that' started... We'll get to 'that' later though.



7th of May.

My Mum came into my room while i was wanking... to pictures on my pc. I pulled my blankets up in time, but while she was standing there... behind her, was my computer screen... with gay porn on it!

But... she didn't see them.

The funny thing is, although it was possibly terrible scenario...

I talked about how, for a moment there, i actually wanted her to see the pictures.

It's obvious how desperately i wanted to come out, even if it was out of my hands.



On the 10th of May, i moaned about how my Grandma was coming to stay at my house for 2 weeks while my Mum was away.

On the 18th though, i said it wasn't too bad. At least i didn't have to walk to and from school, because she drove me.

I didn't like it that she had early nights though, because i always had to turn my music down early. lol

On May the 26th, i wrote about how i was considering a gay relationship between 2 characters in my story, which goes to show that i was making most of it up while i went along. :P



Now... getting back to 'that' for a moment.

On the 10th of June, i wagged school again while Mum was out for the day.

Although i got caught and she was really angry... I did it again on the 17th.

-_-

But 'that' goes for a while yet... It comes to a conclusion later...



Now, something else major happens.

On the 24th of June, i was outed to my Mum - the 1st person ever.

She found the gay websites in my internet history which i had been looking at, and she called me out from my room.

"Why are you going to gay websites?" she said.

"...Why do you think?" i said hesitantly.

"...Are you gay?"

Silence...

"Are you gay?? It's a simple question! Yes or no?"

"...Yes."

She put her head in her hands.

I went back to my room while she talked to my gay cousin who she's close to, on the phone.

I wrote in my diary that...

"I'm quite relaxed. It's not the way that i wanted to come out, but i'm glad it happened. I can be myself around her now, i hope..."



Then later on that night, i wrote again...

"So, she's cool with it. We talked about a bunch of stuff. She's mostly worried that people will find out and make my life hell, but i'm trying to convince her that i can look after myself."

Then i started writing about how Rafael Nadal is hot... lol



This is interesting...

5th of July.

"I've been thinking about writing a blog. It might help me make some more friends... but i'm not even sure if a 15 year old is allowed to... and if i am, how far can i go? ...I need to do a bit of research, but if it's possible, it would be so much fun!"

10th of July.

"Anyways, i'm depressed cos i want gay friends... so badly. I hate my life so much cos i can't be myself anyone at school and i have to put up with my 'friends'' homophobic shit.

On the 12th, in big capital letters, i wrote.

MY LIFE SUCKS. I HATE MY LIFE.

I was really hating school.



Now, we come to 'that's conclusion.

On the 20th of July, i purposefully stayed up really late so i could have an excuse to have the day off from school the next day.

On the 23rd, i wagged school again while she was away for the day.

And... then i had a whole week off.

Every time i thought about school, i thought about how much of a hell it was, and i just preferred the warmth and safety of my own home, rather than the harshness of the school day.

I knew i was digging myself into a hole... but i still didn't stop.

"Staying home becomes a powerful addiction, cos i don't know if i really care anymore - putting up with c**ts every day."



Tuesday the 29th of July.

I actually titled it 'one more day'.

I'd decided that i would have that day off, and that the day after, i would go to school. I needed to get back there.

But... no.

I'd pushed it exactly ONE DAY too far.

That was the day the school rang my house.

This is exactly what i wrote and how i wrote it...

"FUCK!

One day too far...

The school rang home and now Mum knows... What's gonna happen now? She's going to kill me.

Fuck.

I'm fucked.
Why didn't i go?

1 day too much...

Fuck.
I'm fucked.
I'm really really fucked.

1 fucking day.

I'M FUCKED."



Mum made me ring the school, and i was put down as 'truant'.

I had to go see the school psychologist as well.

Then i was back to school, and more miserable than ever.

Mum was very strict with days off from then on. Whenever she had to leave early as well, my Grandmother would have to come over to make sure i went to school.

Happy days...



Well, we got past that issue. At the very least, it made me decide to never ever wag school again. My Mum was under a lot of stress and didn't need to be worrying about me as well, so i went to school from then on, and the days off that i did have, she knew about. :)

Perhaps i needed that slapped into me. lol

I'm a good boy now.

It's not an issue anymore. :)



This whole time, i had still been thinking blogs.

On the 13th of August, i took my first little step into this big world of blogging, and i left a comment as 'mirrorboy' on the Queers United blog, which i had been reading for quite a long time.

That was a BIG thing for me.

It was my first interaction with anyone gay, apart from my cousin who i wasn't very close to.

So, yeah, this was my first interaction with the gay world. It made me very happy when the author even replied to my comment.

You can see mirrorboy's first little step here. ^_^

It made me incredibly happy. :D

"It gives me more incentive to start my own blog."



Then, of course, that desire grew, and on the 17th of September, i took that huge step and started my own blog.

And then, the rest of my life plays out amongst the posts on here.

If you haven't read the whole thing, i post all about making my first gay online friends, how my hopes (and fears) became reality, and how i was also outed at school, which was the biggest turning-point of my life, as you can imagine.

So, i've been writing for quite a while now, and need to wrap up.



I hope you understand how much this blog, and all of YOU, mean to me now.

You give me strength, and as you have seen, i used to have so little that i barely had the strength to face school.

Now, i am an incredibly different, and much stronger, happier, and even a slightly more confident, person.

Let's hope the next year is a happier one.

lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===