Monday, December 1, 2008

Choice? Are you kidding me?

I missed another day's post... Sorry... I wish i could say that i had so much to do that i couldn't squeeze in the time to post, but to be honest i just got caught up playing a game. :P

So anyways, Mr. HCI's post got me thinking... and gave me the idea for tonight's post, which i guess is actually really personal... so i don't know why i'm posting it on the internet hahaha.

Now, people often ask when i found out i was gay...

Now that's a hard question, because it comes in 2 parts.

1 - When did i first have same-sex feelings?

2 - When did i actually admit to myself that i was gay?

Well, the answer to the first part would be around grade 4 or 5. One of the earliest 'gay' memories i remember is seeing a picture of a streaker in the paper and getting somewhat turned on.

There were a lot of situations like that... I would like to look at boys because i just... liked looking. But then i knew that boys were supposed to like girls... so i would look at girls and tell myself that i found them attractive.... basically, i did everything i could at that age to tell myself that i was straight and would get married and have kids and live a 'normal' life.

I was in complete denial.

I was also scared, because i did not want to be 'gay'. It was a scary concept to me. I didn't want to have something 'wrong' inside of me.

I hated it when i got aroused over boys and other times i told and told myself at any sexual female pictures that i found them attractive.

Eventually i started to tell myself that i was bisexual. I told myself that... okay... i guess i like boys, but i HAVE to like girls as well because there simply is no other option.

I could still get married and live my life, and i would just forget about boys altogether. Things would be 'normal' for me.

That went on for a long time, even though for most of that i was wanking over boys.

Slowly, without even realising it i guess, i just stopped thinking about it and kept doing what i was doing - admiring guys and not caring about girls, although i still told myself i would be with a girl.

I just stopped thinking about it.

But it wasn't until just 2 years ago that i actually admitted that i was, in fact, gay.

I just told myself to stop hating myself and that i just COULD NOT change it. It was like giving myself a slap in the face.

I was being STUPID. I was too smart to keep fucking myself around like this!

And that was it.

From that point on, i was gay, and okay with it. And i grew to accept it more and more.

So there is nothing that makes me angrier, than people saying that sexuality is a CHOICE.

(Bear with me here)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEONE CHOOSE TO BE GAY?! IT'S SO FUCKING HARD!! We have to put up with endless shit from small-minded pricks who don't know what the fuck they're on about but still feel it is their obligation to pass judgement on us!! We have to put up with taunts and jokes and bullying because of it!! Why would someone CHOOSE to go through all this turmoil?!

*takes a breath... regains composure... resets font size.

It just makes my blood boil that people think we can choose, because i think that if sexuality was a choice, we would have a lot less gay people. I'm not saying that we're not happy being gay, but it's just so freakin hard being this way.

While i was finding out who i was, i literally prayed that i would be straight. If i had a choice, OF COURSE i would have picked heterosexuality so i could fit in with everyone else.

If i had the choice now? Well... i'm old enough to realize that this is an important part of me and makes me who i am today, and has given me a much more mature and accepting view of the world and all the people in it.

So i am happy to be gay.

I am me and i am gay. If i was not gay, i would be a totally different person who'd gone through such a different experience.

Plus... i still haven't gotten to cuddle a boy yet... and i bet that when i do, i'll be praising the heavens that i'm this way. hahaha



Steevo said...

u go, boi!


Actali, mboy makes a lotta sense.

David said...


go mboy!! :)

Philip said...

That just about sums it up! Well said, mate.

Poisoned Happiness said...

Lucky those who already fully accepted themselfs as who they are. You accepted yourself at young age and you will grow up not as a two people but as a unity. You are and will fully be yourself. Sad I'm not yet at stage you achieved years ago.

AJCon89 said...

you are the smartest... and probably cutest 15 year old boy i have ever met...

I wish that when i was 15 I was as mature as you were...

you are amazing buddy.


Anonymous said...

"resets font size", LOL! quite effective. and good on ya! cheers.

"inglisha" - first question asked of me when i'm in a non-english-speaking country.

Mr. HCI said...

Your history sounds a lot like mine. Even in 12th grade, when I had a girlfriend, wank fantasies were 100% gay.

I'm really happy for you that that period in your life lasted only around three years. For me, it was longer than you've been alive already. As Steevo said, "You go, boy!"

["fased" - and I don't even drink!]

naturgesetz said...

It's sorta like what my brother, who won't eat peas, once said. "I don't like peas, and I'm glad I don't. because if I liked them I'd eat them, and I hate the damn things." (I don't think it was original with him.)

Same sort of thing, we're happy being gay because if we weren't we wouldn't like boys, and we love them. And we're happy not being straight because if we were straight we'd like girls, but we aren't interested.

In other words, it has become comfortable being gay, and once we become comfortable with our orientation, we feel no desire to be different.

For those of us who think sex with guys is wrong, there is an effort to live up to our own standards of conduct. But the comfortableness of being who we are is still there. At least it is for me.

Planetx_123 said...

Yep- this is EXACTLY my experience with my sexuality as well. I always knew since like 3rd and 4th grade that there was something different how I enjoyed looking at and being with boys. I remember being REALLY nervous around really cute ones. And then in 6th grade it was "bisexuality" and I just gave up on the bi thing in college. Although there are a few girls I find attractive, but its not the same head over heals butterflies in stomach feeling as with guys.

You are AWESOME mboy!! I love the fact that even in this small way I get to know such a great, well-reasoned person!


Anonymous said...

Your experience is similar to mine. I remember in 4th grade playing "chase the girls and give them a kiss". (sort of like giving them cooties). But I chased the boys. I didn't kiss them though because I knew that would be weird.

But I was in denial until after graduating college. So, you are so far ahead of the curve!

Anonymous said...

I really liked this post. You said so many things that I agree with about people saying its a choice.

And you're right about being mature for your age.

Always a good read buddy, and I'm sure you'll find that boy to cuddle soon =D


Anonymous said...

It feels wonderful to be in such good company: My experience is the same as yours and so many other commentors.

I think we've solved the "nature vs. nurture" argument here. We were brought up in a straight world where we were automatically conditioned to believe and bahave according to the expectations of others (nurture) but, through self-examination, education, experience and courage have discovered that we are not exactly who they thought we were, which is just brilliant (nature).

Hope your cuddle opportunities come sooner.... You deserve them.

I love this blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. HCI said...

Oops! I forgot to thank you for putting a link to my post in your's! Maybe someone will read my blog now . . .


Zee said...

I always find it interesting that some people experience same-sex attraction while so young. I didn't experience same-sex attraction until I was 15 (oddly enough your current age).

I do agree. People are stupid to think it is a choice. If I choice in the matter, I still don't think I would be gay.

It good for you though. You are younger than me and way more along in this process.

Jonathan said...

Hey Mirrorboy!

You don't know me but I love reading your blog and after a while of thinking, I decided to take that first step in creating my own. I just wanted to ask if you could offer any advice in managing a blog and any other tips you see fit. Oh, and if you don't mind, I added your blog on my blog as a link.

Anyway, talk to you later,

Stephen Chapman... said...

Excellent blog entry - I've forwarded the link to a few people.

We are all different and our journies are all different. I envy some of the young guys I've met who are totally happy with being gay and really confident - took me years!


Jonathan said...

Well said my son.

I bet it took a lot to put it into words, and yet the same for so many of us.

I had the religious mob tell be being gay was a sin, and yet I knew I was gay and no sinner in that way.

I have only just managed to put all that behind me and simply be who and what I've always been - GAY

.//Kyros said...

i love your story! personally, i would say i knew i was gay at about ten. i was fine with it though. then, i realized the probems gays faace and i also went into bi mode. then the word bi became sickening. then i just went with gay.^^
btw, thanks for the compliment, im not that attractive, atleast in my own eyes. i usually catch people with personality.
( i also can never have a good picture T^T, for somereason, i look fantastic in the bathroom mirror light.XD)

Aek said...

Well said. However, to play Devil's advocate somewhat, it's also true that very few things are completely genetic. It's almost always a combination between genetics (how you're born) and environment (what you grew up in/around). It's a complex thing.

However, your basic point that it's not a choice, still holds true.