Saturday, November 29, 2008

Forget my worries. Memories and OCD.

Umm... Well yesterday i said that things weren't going too good in M-boy's world.

I'm not really sure whether i want to talk about this stuff or not. I know whenever i post one of those 'sad' posts then you all start worrying about me, and then in turn i get sort of depressed because people all start asking me if i'm okay and telling me they're worried and all that does is force me to not stop thinking about what the problems are because i start getting constantly reminded...

Well, i'd rather not talk about it all, for now, because if i do start articulating my problems then i'll make MYSELF sad and worried about it all.

For now, i want to not think about it. I want to worry about it all if or when it gets worse. I'll post about it then i guess. For now, don't worry about me.

I am very touched that you all care so much though.

Anyways, for now, here's another random 'about me' post i thought you might find interesting. Comment on whatever takes your fancy.

1. For some weird reason, which is probably my OCD, any volume setting (like the one on a TV), has to be set at either 4, 6, 8, 11, 12, 14, 16, 18, 21, 24, 26, 28, 32, 37, 43, 48 or 54. If it's not, i feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's because i don't like groups of 5 or something.

2. Also on OCD, i remember that even as (quite) a young child, i felt forced to always take an even number of sips from a drink or an even number of bites from a food item. When that really started to stress me, i forced myself to stop, but the effect of that was that afterwards, i had to avoid even numbers and i ended up avoiding any sort of pattern at all costs, so i didn't really accomplish anything.

3. I've been on more intense ones, but the scariest ride i've ever been on was a Ferris Wheel one time. The little open compartment thingy was shaking and creaking and it was windy as hell. I had a DEATH-GRIP on the metal bar behind me and my seat. When i finally got off my shoulder was so sore because i'd been absolutely frozen the whole time. My friends wanted to go for another ride.

4. I have tiny hands and feet, although the rest of me is pretty big, like, i have big hips, so that's weird.

5. When i was younger (like, 4 or 5) i always had to sleep on a certain side, because if i didn't, i would ALWAYS have nightmares. Is there a logical reason for that? Because it sounds like there should be one...

6. Also when i was younger, some nights i would hear awful metallic clanking noises outside and think that aliens were coming to get me. I would hold the covers over my head and shut my eyes, thinking that if i didn't see them, they couldn't hurt me. In hindsight, i realise that that would have been the garbage-truck.

7. The only bone i've ever broken was my little finger. I was playing mini-golf and tripped over... I always knew it was a dangerous sport. T_T

8. One time i went to the dentist for an ulcer or something. I had an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic they gave me and i ended up in the casualty ward in the hospital because i was vomiting violently.

9. I needed to sleep with some sort of light on at night until a few years ago. Now i love complete darkness!!

10. I still can't touch type, and yet i am a 'writer'. I write so much... so... why can't i do it yet?

11. The most important thing to me (and perhaps some of my friends like AJ should hear this) is love. I feel that as long as you have someone to share love with, then nothing else matters, because everything else will fall into place sooner or later. Finding someone whom you truly connect with is a real blessing. Love is the one thing in life that you cannot control. You can earn money, and you can work for for a job, but being loved is based on your entire soul. Having love means that you have found a soulmate, and that is the most special thing of all.

I want to be loved. Nothing else matters to me.

That's it for now. See ya later, hope that things work out for me - i need some good luck for once,



Landyn said...

im wishing you all the luck in the world buddy cuz u deserve it :)

And I used to think that my washing machine/dryer was alive and going to eat me. No joke, scared me to death when i was like 7/8. Seems recent -_-

Take care dude (sorry for the 'dude' usage haha)

Love ya,

ps. word verification this time is "whation" ...sounds like a far away planet but idk why. Yeah im aware that im weird.
k ill be done now.

Poisoned Happiness said...

Love... I envy those who find their love. I know I shouldn't but I kinda do. Today I was shopping and I saw kissing couple in restaurant and it made me so sad. So unloved. Left so lonely. I used to think living on my own and having good salary would be perfect and happy life - I was so wrong.
You will find your love. You live in awesome country, with really open people around you, you are young and out. You will find your boyfriend soon. For me time is not helping.

jhorner said...

I've always had to walk with every step either on a crack between paving stones, or avoiding every single one.

And the even number of volume - i've done that for years. My brother likes to torment me by setting the volume to 11 or something like that - and it REALLY does wind me up.

And darling, I love you :D

Col said...

Lol...some great facts.

1 & 2: I did the same kind of things for years when I was a kid...never knew it was OCD though, but then I never told anybody about it.
Just thought I was weird lol. Everything revolved around even numbers, even touching something and saying things. I'd have to repeat it under my breath or in my head. I grew out of it...thank God!

4: I have tiny feet...UK size 6. I hate shopping for shoes.

6: I used to think the same about not being seen...but always thought there was a giant snake waiting to strike lol.

11: I hope you find love a lot earlier than me. It's still sadly lacking in my life. You have to get yourself out there though. So don't waste time like I have.

Take care,

naturgesetz said...

7. *All* sports are dangerous. Nobody who values his health will participate in any of them. (Except baseball. Baseball is dangerous, too, but we need baseball players so I can watch Red Sox games on TV.)

And I certainly wish you plenty of good luck. (My high school civics teacher used to write at the top of every test he gave us "Good Luck / Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.)

Planetx_123 said...

I totally agree with your sentiments about love. Having someone to really share your life with is probably the most important thing. Your "all you need is love" montra reminds me of Moulin Rouge--- yes yes I know, typical gay movie... but one of the best, I love it.

Much Love,

"immonges" - reminds me of fingers for some reason

Brass Matt said...

The only OCD I have is that musical instruments have to be in tune. When one in out of tune, it drives me absolutely crazy. But then again, that might just be my perfect pitch with a hint of OCD.

Completely agree that love is the most important thing. But love comes in many forms. It is not just love between boyfriends or girlfriends or boyfriends and girlfriends, there is many other types of love which is just as important to me.

The love of my grandparents is very important to me and so is the love or my brothers. Also, the love of my friends is important - and day by day, the love of my online friends is becoming more and more important to me (and I know to AJ as well). I couldn't be who I am without each one of those types of love.

Mirrorboy, you are right, love is the most important thing, but look at all the people who love you and if that doesn't make you feel all warm inside, then maybe you need a hot chocolate, lol.


I got the best one ever "hornee" lol.

xthecouragex said...

I understand what you're saying about the whole love thing. I feel how Matt feels. I think its important to focus on the other loves in your life too. In fact I think if you just focus on the love of one person then you still wont be happy in life. You need to have a balance.

A few years ago I thought I was in love with someone and I focused all my energy on that person. I started to neglect my other friends and even my family sometimes. And in the end I was very unhappy. And from the comments on your blog it seems like you got some friends that care about you deeply.

And don't feel bad for not wanting to talk about whats wrong. When your ready there will be people ready to listen.

Best of luck buddy, I really enjoy reading your blog its a nice change of pace from my life.

AJCon89 said...

My boyfriend is such a cheeseball... haha.

He is 100% right.

But he is still a cheeseball...

Mr. HCI said...

At least he's a cheeseball with tasty nuts!

My minor OCD manifestations:

1. I make weird, gibberish noises almost every time I get out of the car when I get home or arrive at work.
2. Whenever I take my wedding band off, when I put it back on it has to be with the inscription inside upright and the manufacturer logo against the pad of my finger. Even if I am running late for something, I will turn it and turn it until the positioning is right before I slip it back on my finger. BTW, the only time it comes off is when I shower as, if I leave it on, I scratch up my face with it.
3. I used to tap walls or drag my fingers along them all the time until one of my co-workers said, as I walked by her cube scratching its outer wall, "That must be Mr. HCI!"

When I was seven or eight, I started realizing that when I sleep, God is looking down at me! I then started worrying about which was more offensive to God: me on my back so he would see my penis or on my stomach so he would see my butt. I slept only on my stomach for the next 30+ years.

When I was your age (how patronizing sounding), the only bone I'd broken was my left pointer finger in 9th grade PE. I never went to the doc but I'm almost positive I broke it. It took forever to heal and still hurt sometimes for the next couple of decades. Since then, I broke my left ankle in the pit at a show when I was 43. I now have two huge screws holding it together.

Love is, indeed, the most important thing. You've got plenty of time ahead of you to find your soulmate and you will. Judging by your writing, you're far too sweet a boy to be forever single.

Zee said...

Ummmmm...The only thing that disturbed me is the first thing you said. If something saddens you or upsets you, you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. Trying to just forget something sad never works. It only makes a more explosive reaction later on. I use to just sweep my troubles under an emotional rug. I sometimes still do. It is one of the most unhealthiest habits ever.

BTW will find love. You just really have to search for it and find the right guy. You are still young. I know you might not like hearing that. I am only 19 myself. I am still young. I have never had a BF yet (or been in any type of romantic situation) so try not to worry about getting in a relationship. Building really strong friendships is the most important thing because romantic relationships will strain friendships. Also if a relationship doesn't work out, you need friends there by your side.

Best Wishes

Planetx_123 said...

No I understand why MB doesn't want to talk about it. These blogs are just a small slice of daily life, and so they typically over-represent the drama in life. So by blogging about it, then he would have to read comments, and constantly be reminded about it. Its not an issue of caring about others opinions, etc., but not all of your problems have to be dealt with at once. Sometimes it is good to just let things be and distract yourself on other things for a while. MB knows we, his online readers/friends, are here if he needs us.

Thats why I love these fun, non-drama-oriented posts, because they go back to the rest of life that isn't worrying about money, future, sexuality, etc.


Seth said...

Talk about things when you need to, not when you feel pressured to. We'll always worry about you, but we all know you're a strong kid and can handle some tough situations with aplomb.

Random #1 - I'm the same way. def an ocd thing lol/.

patterns - oooh. fascinating. endless amusement - evenlooking at cracks in the ceiling.... never did the count-number-of-sips, but always had a balanced method (bite of one type of food, bite of another) - and TONS of other little OCD quirks

the funny thing is you won't even notice some of them until YEARS later and then look back and say "ohhh. no WONDER i was doing that"

#5 - some sort of gravity / position in the universe thing?

#6 - I was always terrified of the garbage truck which came in the daytime. i had this thing, if was outside, i had to RUN and jump UP on the steps, i felt like a wave (water? energy?) from the garbage truck was chasing me and i had to get up on the step before it caught me *shrug* odd huh

#11 - awww.. *hugs*


Yelugab said...

Hi m boy - I love reading your blog specially at times like now when I feel like I'm drifting into mild depression - your blog has helped cheer me up. I've just had had my other half climb into bed with me semi pissed and talking shit after going out with his friends to some local night clubs thinking they are the best thing since sliced bread! Trouble is that when I married him I had to vow that I would give him his own space because of the age gap between us. Too late too change my mind now - we are in love and that's a nice thing but it can be hurtful at times too but you just have to learn to cope with it and reading your blog seems to help in a strange way.

Perhaps it reminds me of the places I've had to go to before I could get to where I am today. Sorry if it sounds like I'm talking a load of crap but that's life eh!

Just keep your head up and remember there's lots of people out there that love you in there own strange way. Put it all together and I guess it adds up to life. xx

victor said...

ok, here we go. close to #2 but different, my kindergarten teacher told us one day that we should chew each bite of food something like 52 times before we swallowed. needless to say, it takes me freaking forever to eat. also, on the food thing, if things are on a non-divider plate, they can't touch each other. and i can only eat one type of food at a time, like vegetables first, then potatoes then meat.
#3 i'm not a big fan of ferris wheels, but i love roller coasters, and the bigger and faster, the better. i rode one at universal so many times i almost wailed.
#4 i have tiny hands also, which makes it a real challenge to play bass. acoustics are ok, but i owned a rickenbacker 4003 for a while and it was like playing a 2x4.
#6 i always heard weird noises in my closet, and i'd get up to investigate, and nothing would be there. years later i discovered that my closet backed up to the bathroom, and the noises i was hearing were pipes expanding and contracting.
#7 the first bone(s) i broke ever was my left wrist, i was playing superman, and dove out of a tree. somehow my superpowers failed and i splattered on the ground. since then, i've had a skull fracture, 3 smashed vertebrae, and 2 broken toes. not that i'm accident prone.
#11 yeah. i think you pretty well covered that.

Bodhi said...

G'day Mirrorboy. Just a 'gay stereotype' here saying that I like your blog. Though its not really a stereotype, is it, if thats naturally who you are and its not in any way forced. The important thing is to be yourself, whatever that may be. Anyway, keep up the writing!