Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The storm.

I'm back, on my hands and knees, asking for your opinions and support and advice. PLEASE.


Remember how yesterday i said that school was sucking majorly? How i had a problem? And that i then talked to the coordinator about it?

Today, the coordinator talked to the boy that caused yesterday's awful problem...

And now, i may be responsible for getting the meanest and toughest kid in my year level suspended from school for a week.

This boy, hangs around in a big gang of other boys that you don't want to mess with.


I'M FUCKED.


I know it. I'm in for it.


Nobody will stick up for me. I know that. My friends are 'nice', but they don't care about me. As long as these people don't go after them, they don't give a shit.

Telling my teacher got me into an even worse situation than before. Do i keep going back? Is that going to make things even worse? What could they even do?

I HAVE to go to school. I can't hide at home. I'm behind in my work already. Tomorrow my Journalism interview is scheduled... which i have to prepare tonight. Fuck.

And i can't defend myself. Not with fists and not with words.



I'm at a loss of what to do.

When i think about MY LIFE, i feel deeply sick and terrified.

This is it. This is my life and i've fucked it up. There is nowhere to hide and nobody to turn to.

I don't want to be me.



I wish this was a stupid story or something.

But no, it's me. This is my life.

This is my everything.

I'm fucked and that's it.

21 comments:

David said...

yikes! that sucks... can you tell the coordinator that you feel you might be in danger?

Stu said...

I've sent you an email with some suggestions - was getting too long to post here.

steevo said...

go to school early and wait for OC.

tell her your fears. when does the coordinator get in? its better than doing nothing and waiting to see what happens. Tell mom?

sorry u have to go thru this...

stay in classrooms when u can

in library

where staff is close by

bullies thrive on intimidation...

but will also avoid attacks near staff

do not stand by and just be a target...

DEMAND protection from the school staff...

make a scene in an office if u get ignored or your concerns r dismissed...

steevo
.
.

Seth said...

calm down first... you can't get yourself sick with anticipation. just be prepared for every eventuality, and stay strong.

everything steevo said plus more....

how do you get to/from school? i'm hoping mom picks you up, or at least a school bus? if not - perhaps you can explain to her the situation, and ask her to pick you up, at least for the next couple days - only a temporary thing, but might give you a little more time to figure out something

school may be one thing, and steevo is right - stay in safer spots, near teachers, etc. but i worry more about you AFTER school... you have to protect yourself at those crucial hours between school and home, etc.

and yes, definitely make a scene.

and, if worse comes to worse, CALL POLICE. do you have a cell phone? either way, avoid putting yourself in any isolated situations. bullies, like steevo said, thrive on intimidation and fear - the fear you WON'T seek help, you WON'T call the police, you will submit to their abuse, etc.

you're right, you can't fight them with fists, possibly not even with words. but i think i said in the past - always remember that you are strong on the inside, and no one can ever take that from you.

i wish i knew some other advice to give you, but my thoughts get all jumbled when i worry about the kinds of things you are going through.

please, i worry for your safety and pray for your well-being.

Planetx_123 said...

Yea- 1st talk to coordinator and scream at her for putting you in physical danger...that was STUPID of her.

2nd as steevo mentioned- just don't go places where there isn't staff around at least not for a few days.

There is no good solution here, but just be careful. I would say get mace or something, but thats probably not a good idea either. AHH I don't know what to do but now Im nervous for you. I never had a real physical threat like this when I was in high school.

The thing maybe to know if that if you talk to the coordinator about how you really feel threatened then between her and other teachers they will know that if you do show up with bruises that it must've been this asshole kid, and then he will be expelled. I mean maybe he would know this and that would stop him from hurting you? Although Im giving him too much credit probably.

Keep us posted- were worried for you mboy!

Steve

Anonymous said...

Hey

as much as you want advice and help from us, you were right in the previous post by saying we don't know your exact situation.

have u told/talked to ur mum yet? i know it may not be the most comfortable option, but if things go really south, know that that is an option. if you've already talked to her bout it then ignore me..lol

the only other thing i can think off is to walk in hordes, and stay in public places XD

stay safe and think happy thoughts :)
KS

AJCon89 said...

hey buddy...

Sorry you gotta deal with this... but you still made the right move. Ignoring these asses would have been bad for you in a different way.

Everyone has basically told you what you need to do already... It is your schools legal responsibility to keep you safe and you and your mom (yeah, I know you dont want to feel like a id and get mom involved, but you should) need to make sure that the school holds up its part of the bargain...

You need to let them know how you feel and get them to step in.

Hope this helps...

Peace,
AJ

Anonymous said...

sorry for noticing so late, especially when you need it most...i hope you read this before school.

everything youve already been told applies.
keep to crowded areas
avoid isolation
etc

but as a recipient of a fair few beatings, i can tell you that confidence is a must! if you wank into scool looking over your shoulder and being paranoid, they will pick up on it.

chances are they are just pissed and may have figured that anything else that happens to you will land them in the same situation ans their mate or worse.
so i can only assume they are not going to jump you or anything...but i dont know them so i cant be sure.

as i said about confidence, you need to go about your day as if nothing had happened. still make sure your not on your own or anything, but dont ruin your school life over this, youve got more chance if you act normal than if you hide and seem like the weak one...
and if by chance they confront you, because no doubt if they do it will start verbally...
just be calm, tell them exactly what happened, and say thats the ned of it. dont get into a verbal war, or a physical one either. if they do approach you then theyre looking for a reason to start something, so dont give them one.

i have every confidence in you to keep yourself out of trouble here. youll be just fine.

just make your you dont let these kids dictate how you feel for the next few days.

stay safe mate. youll be fine.
Matt

Anonymous said...

wow i just realise i made some ad spelling errors there haha...
they should read
"if you walk into school"
not
"if you wank into scool"
haha,
sorry.

Matt

Mr. HCI said...

Everyone's given good advice so I have just one thing to add:

This is my life and i've fucked it up.

Yes, it's your life. NO, you did not fuck it up! You didn't choose to be gay, you didn't choose for society to teach others to hate you for it and you didn't choose to be threatened by bullies at school for it.

Your situtation is 100% the fault of bigotry, small-mindedness and hatred. You are the victim here, not the aggressor!

One thing not yet suggested that just popped into my head: consider taking some lessons in self-defense. There might be a community center in your area where you could do this or maybe even something at school?

Be strong. I'm rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey,
I would go along with the advice already given. I am thinking of you and hope the next few days pass easily for you,

Roger

steevo said...

Mr. HCI is 100% on spot.

You did NOTHING wrong. You don't deserve all this crap.

You are NOT a bad person.

Got it?

If you buy into "their" mentality then they win.

Don't buy into THEIR homophobia and prejudice.

Please.

steevo
.
.

naturgesetz said...

Just got here and I think you've gotten some fine advice.

You say your friends won't stick up for you. Have you asked them, or do you "just know it."

Because if you haven't asked them you should. Ask them to stay close any time you might be in danger. Try to be where there will be as many witnesses as possible if anything happens. But having friends at your side will probably hold the bullies off.

Also, the school authorities should have made clear to the kid when they suspended him that any more would bring worse. You might want to ask them to reassure yourself that they have done, and if not that they will at once.

Stay strong.

Lach said...

Man, you're 15, he's 15, if you cop a beating it won't REALLY be that bad. maybe a sore jaw and a bloody nose. Suck it up.

You're from a country town, fights are what makes you YOU!

don't fuckin hide man, stand up for yourself. fuck him. If he beats you up he will move on.

Chances are he WON'T.

he's just as much of a scared teenager as you are.

Having said that, don't provoke him though.

Will said...

That just totally sucks. Obviously ignorant bias and hate are alive and well.

1. Definitely talk with your counselors about the threat to you. The school is under an obligation to provide you with a safe place for your education.

2. Keep a very detailed record of any and all incidents at school and outside of school, no matter how insignificant they are.

3. If individually or collectively he or his crew even so much as lay a hand on you, do not hesitate to notify the local police. Make sure a report is kept on file and that you get a copy. If the local police show no interest in responding, go higher....somewhere there has to be some authoritative organization that will step up to the plate.

4. If necessary take the individual to court and obtain a peace warrant or order of protection against the individuals. Assuming that's possible where you are do not hesitate to enforce it.

5. If there's a local GLBT support organization, contact them...they have experience dealing with this sort of thing...experience makes the best counselor even better. If there's no local support, there has to be a national (or a big organization in a nearby large city)...contact them for suggestions and/or help.

YOU HAVE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DONE ANYTHING WRONG. YES it IS YOUR LIFE....BUT YOU DIDN'T FUCK IT UP! Don't go blaming yourself for what someone else's ..let them take responsibility.

Just watch your back. As someone who grew up in a backwardass lil town full of hatred and bigorty, I can understand what you're going thru, and it isn't pleasant. Once you're out of school, it does get better.

I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you....please take care and be safe..Don't let yourself buy into their bigorty...THEY are the ones in the wrong. They are bullies that will prey on your fears, and don't bet on them having enough common sense to think about getting in more trouble if they cause problems...their minds don't work that way.

Most of all don't let any of these events lead you to feeling any sense of ill worth or guilt...that's exactly what they want.

Anonymous said...

Talk to the coordinator about your concerns. Ask if he or she can have your teachers let you out of class 5 minutes earlier to go to your next class. That way, you can avoid running into this guy or his friends in the hall. If this guy or his friends approach you, duck into a teacher's classroom or an office or stand near to a teacher. If these boys threaten you or if they hit you, bring it to the attention of the coordinator immediately. If you have eyewitnesses, take them along or give their names to the coordinator to check out your story. If they do hit you, without you fighting back, charges can be filed with the police -- either by the school or by you and your parents.

Planetx_123 said...

How was today MBoy?? Better, I hope... not, I fear

Anonymous said...

hay little brother, what concerns me most is that you say you can`t fight back with words or fists. sorry, but you must learn how to fight back with both. words first, then fists, only as a last resort to protect yourself. you will more than likely take an ass whooping, once again sorry. you will run across this your entire life. if not you it will be the guy next to you, you don`t have to know that person, but you will see it. it is extremely scary to learn how to stand up for yourself and others that need it. it goes against human nature to stand defiant when you most likely will lose. remember they thrive on your fear. i know your scared, but you MUST stand defiant and you must do it IN PUBLIC. i assure you, you are not the only one afraid of these assholes. you might also be surprised who will stand beside you when they see you are willing to stand up for yourself, alone if necessary. your fear can be a very powerful weapon. getting your ass kicked sucks, but it only hurts for a little while. NOT standing up for yourself and for what`s right can hurt you for the rest of your life. DON`T let these fucks do that to you. STAND DEFIANT IN THE FACE OF FEAR. you`ll will win more than a school yard fight, even if you lose that particular fight.
0pher@earthlink.net

Anonymous said...

ohk let me put some stuff to rest people. as pointed out previously..THEYRE 15 FOR GOD SAKE...

talking to the coordinators, teachers or his mum are great ideas if hes that worried about it...but theres talk of notifying police (or higher-ups), getting restraining orders, and keeping logs of inicidents.

now i dont want to be the one to break the news, but if anything happens at all (which is acutally very doubtfull), then it will be some form of verbal abuse, or at worst a few punches thrown - and thats really worst case scenario.

now i know everyone here is just loooking out for mirrorboy, because we love him, but really...have a think about what your saying...these words will do more damage to him that the bullys themselves. pook kid probably woke up this morning, read these comments, and felt even worse thinking things could get so bad hed need to involve the police and get a restraining order.

no offence intended here, but what we classify as violence in the school yard is a bit of push-shove and maybe a punch or so. theres little to no fear of weapons or mass bashings or gangs. were not talking about gang vs. gang in race wars, riots or a turf battle...its just two 15yr old kids who had an argument and one got suspended.

im sure mirrorboy will be just fine, even if something happens...but people think about what you say.
its probably no where near as bad as you all expect.

that being said, i hope everything is ok mirrorboy...everyone cares for you and just wants to see that your ok, but really its not that bad. lets not get all worked up over this. you will be just fine regardless of what happens.

what i said yesterday stands. be confident, dont let them rule how you feel and act, and let it work it self out.

best of luck. talk soon.
Matty

steevo said...

well, matty, i hope u r right. i work at a pubic HS and there are some violent kids there. Not many. And we seldom have really big bad fights. Staff is on it, and we have security people. [off duty cops]

i think all the different advice gives m-boy a menu to select from. what works and makes sense to him. he asked for advice/suggestions.

OK, m-boy, use em or not. some ideas may seem totally inappropriate and others will maybe make u say, "Hey... why dint i think of that?"

none of us knows exactly what to do... but i hope something here helps.

hugs

steevo

Jeremy said...

D:

*hugs*
Jeremy