Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Milestone. The story of my blog.

I started this blog 2 months ago.

Since then, I've had over 50,000 views.



Just 2 months ago, i was an incredibly lonely boy who felt he was nothing.

I was in the closet and frustrated to hell about it. I had absolutely ZERO contact with any sort of gay community, which was what i prayed for. I resented the friends i had because i was sure they hated people like me.

Every day i was crushed further into the ground as i pretended to be someone else. I let people stamp over my values and make crude remarks.

I felt i would be like this forever...

I would never meet anyone else like me. How can you, when you're too terrified to come out, and when there are no other 'out' people around you?

I felt i would lie forever.

There was no way out that i could imagine. I would be crushed, along with my values and hopes and dreams into a snivelling little mess.

I cried at night more than once, because i felt so pathetic.

There was nothing i could do.



Then one night, i sat down. I had 20 minutes before my Mum got home from work and i would have to get off the computer.

I got onto Blogger... and i clicked on Create a Blog.

I had to think of a name... I had to think of a blog address... I had to pick a layout. I did.

And then i started writing.



I started a tiny little blog with one post.

I slowly added to my blog everyday, even though nobody was reading.

I was more nervous than you could possibly imagine. I was sure that what i thought would mean nothing to people who had their own lives to live.

There were already so many other blogs out there. I thought mine would be lost.


And then it all began...

My first link and comment came from Jake Annonymous. He said that we should be 'brother blogs,' and at that point i had only written a few posts that nobody had read.

I owe a lot to him. It was the first sign that something might come of this.


I started linking. I started getting more views... and then very slowly... i started getting comments.

I put up my msn address, and for the first time in my life, i was able to speak to someone who understood what it was like. I think his name was... Lach. :P

Thank you Lach, and Jake. You both gave me a lot of confidence when i had none.


I started getting more links, and slowly more important ones on places like milkboys.

People started reading. They started actually commenting and e-mailing.

I sent out requests for links. I started spreading. People started asking ME for links.

People added me to msn. And i started making friends.

I started connecting with the sort of people who i had been looking for since i found myself.



I was getting somewhere.

My blog grew. And as people showed an interest in me, i started putting more effort in.

I witnessed the births of other blogs, who said that blogs like mine gave them courage.


And i got somewhere. My blog was being read by people. People actually cared about me.

I made dozens of amazing friends who have got my back and genuinely want the best for me.



Since i started, i've gone through the toughest time in my life.

I was outed to my friends, and then at school. I was outed to everyone.

I was terrified, but i had all of YOU to calm me down, reassure me and give me advice. I think that without your support, i would have broken down. I would not have been able to take this.

But i did, thanks to my blog - my place to share my fears and concerns with a world who cares.



I'm so grateful to be in this position.

I just want to say THANK YOU.


You've been with me, every step of the way.

You've been along the times i've been strong, you've cared when i was scared, you've helped me when i was sad, and you even sat through my awful rants. :P


From my every-post commenters, to my daily e-mailers, to my silent readers, to the nervous people who've been entirely in the closet all their lives, and who tell me just working up the courage to write an email was a struggle...

You make my life bearable.


And if me being here has helped anyone be more confident in who they are, then it was all worth it.

...Saying that, it has helped me more than any of you.


===>mirrorboy<===

17 comments:

Lach said...

Aww.

I have taken a habit from you in my work emails..


they are all spaced out now


like this



lol.

<3 mirrorboy, the big smoke is here waiting for you! ;)

exalen said...

Mate, you're beautiful. Never forget that.

AND, you made me all emotional now... :-P

AJCon89 said...

you are special and we all want to hear about every detail... lol...

hell... even Matt loves you :-P

I'm so glad that your blog has meant so much to you. It is great to be able to put things down into writing and just say them.... it helps me sort things out and I'm sure it helps you too.

and yes... we will always be there for out m-boy... we love him very much and care about him...

You sound a little happier today and that makes me smile :)

peace,
AJ

ps.... my captcha word is dumpums... haha

Planetx_123 said...

Well I know that I am certainly not in the "helpful commenters" group, and I haven't been here since the beginning... but your blog has helped me a lot! All of you people in this little blogger mini community that I have been following recently. I am glad that all of you have become friends and have been positive influences in each others lives.

Just in these last 3-4 weeks of reading, I get upset when you guys are upset and happy when you guys are happy. You all seem like such great people that its easy to empathize and care very much for your well being.

I wish I had a life half as interesting to write a blog! Obviously- much good can come from it!

Much Love,
Steve

"dermsa"

naturgesetz said...

When you put it that way, it seems as if starting this blog was the answer to a prayer. Maybe yours, maybe somebody else's.

Anyway, I'm glad to be a small part of your online support group.


"pophea"

Mr. HCI said...

I'm thrilled to see your outlook getting better-and-batter!

Like I said the other day, I think the Internet is possibly the best thing to happen to gay/bi kids ever. It's really inspiring seeing so many younger folks connecting with one another and forming this fantastic support network.

Have you heard anything yet from the group at the community center?

Seth said...

Thats a really great post, m-boy. Possibly your best ever - in terms of true emotions - I think everyone who reads is glad to have been a part.

I remember when you first emailed me looking to link up, and I was like, hmm... who is this guy and what does he want? But then I found out a little about you from your posts, and realized that, despite being exactly half my age, you're going through so many difficult (and similar) things, its really amazing to be able to follow along.

I think your linking to me was the first time in my own blog that I really felt like I had actually reached someone real. Instead of just watching the counter tick upwards, and one or two comments a month, I suddenly feel like I became part of a little "community" - a corner of the blogosphere filled with wonderful people from all over the world. And you're one of the best!!

Anyway... keep up the good work, and as you know, all the bad tays will balance out with good days, ups with downs - thats life, and its so nice that we can all share parts of our lives with each other.

*hugs*

:-)

Oh, and I love the new trend of "quoting" the captcha word.

prpoxis

Anonymous said...

i've read your blog from the beginning. i never commented, just read. i was too afraid. i'm just like u were but i dont write very well. just now i admitted that i am gay. u made that possible. u & all the others here. now i dont want to die. thankyou

Mr. HCI said...

Good for you! Admitting it to yourself can be one of the hardest parts.

JC said...

i just likea good read so i thank you, i have no idea how i manged to get comments, but yea writting i blog is cool, i can finally put my thoughts written down without having to think. but keep on bloggin and i keep reading, and where is my link, blahhhh,watching heroes now, all the best john

J said...

I have only just started reading ur blog, but it seems like you have been going through some really tough times, and the fact that you have made it through and can share your stories with others is amazing.
I look forward to reading more from you!

-J

Anonymous said...

Well it looks like im late to comment...as usual.
But it looks like AJ has already done my work for me:
QUOTE:
"hell... even Matt loves you :-P"
I think that was a refference to me, but im not sure...and i donno why AJ would refer to me but hey who knows HAHA...
(care to explain AJ?)

Anyway, thats a beautiful way to commemorate 2 months. We all thank you for your contriubtion to our lives as much as we hope weve contributed to yours.
So glad that we can be your rock, and at times im sure your ours too. (And im speaking for all the readers here...)

So thank YOU...weve done nothing but enjoy the work your doing, and fall in love with 'mirrorboy'. Everything youve gotten from this, and everything you feel is a direct result of the hard work, heart and soul that youve put into this blog. So enjoy the fruits of your labour (no pun intended HAHA...gay joke!).

Cant wait till you get your internet set up in your room. Hopefully well see alot more of you, in a lot more detail. (And hopefully youll be on msn past 9.30 HAHA)

THANKS MIRRORBOY!
Matt

PS: Im thnking maybe if m-boy gets a 'tipit' link going on his site, maybe a few of the 'better off' readers might be able to donate a bit for his hard work, and maybe make this a special xmas for the mirrorboy household...just an option.

Jake said...

Hey!! Yay for milestones!!! I'm glad that you have come so far with your blog, and I know it will go even further. Good job and good luck!! :D

Jake

Planetx_123 said...

I would donate- mboy has worked hard on this blog and should be rewarded!

Poisoned Happiness said...

You are just very special young man :)

Doug said...

That was such a great post. Your blog is definitely an inspiration. It's such a great balance of great writing and openness of emotions.

Like you, I've also found this to be a great blog community. I'm glad that we've all become online buddies on here where we can support each other through our tough times.

Thank you for sharing your life with us, Mirrorboy!

.//Kyros said...

aww, this is realy nice ( im pretty much the sameXD) you make me feel good inside^^