Thursday, November 13, 2008

I'm still in hell... but my view of the world has changed.

What happened today?

Well, i haven't been bashed yet. That's a plus. Of course, 'that boy' hasn't been back at school yet... because i got him suspended... so i get the feeling that i'm in the eye of the hurricane and coming out the other side is going to be fucking rough.

I still get immature comments and insults thrown my way. Fucking lame...

I definitely feel very uncomfortable at school. I can't shake that, for obvious reasons. I know there are people here that hate me and i can't do much about it.

What else happened today? I did my Journalism interview with Mrs OC.

Mrs OC is of course my favourite teacher - the one that changed my life and made me want to be a writer, the one that pushes me to do my best and believes in me, and the one that swears!

So we went into the auditorium and went into the dark little kitchen there.

I checked my tape-recorder thingy, and we talked for a couple of minutes.

Then i started the interview. I asked questions from my list, about her life as a child, school, what she wanted to be, who she admired, stuff like that...

It was really interesting to learn so much about her... I think that it was because we are quite close and feel relaxed around each other. It got so personal that i think i should tell my Journalism teacher that it might not be suitable for playing in front of the class (it gets into how she's only still with her husband for their kids). O_O

She shared some personal things with me...

I felt it was the right time to tell her about some of my hard times. And yes, the tape-recorder was OFF.

I told her everything - About me being gay, that my friends found stuff on my USB ("You stupid boy!!" she said), that i was outed at school and that i'm going through a lot of crap from kids. She responded well, so i kept going...

I told her that i write a blog about myself, through which i've met some amazing and caring people. I told her about a few examples of my friends, and that made her smile.

I said that i go home to this wonderful community, and she thinks that's just great. I could see her just brimming with happiness for me.

We talked about all the stuff a lot. She shared some of her experiences with gay people, from a young man with cancer, to some kids who used to go to the school.

She says that our town is a nice place, but we have such small-minded people here and such little diversity... but one day i will leave this place and go to university in a big city like Melbourne, and she says that i will find my group of people and i will just feel like i belong.

I HAVE to leave this place behind. I have to go and find my place in the world. Staying in this town will crush me.

She says i've only got three years left. One day i will leave, and i will make my own way in life, and what happened here won't matter.

It's true.

She really helped me put things into perspective.

Life may be absolute shit now, and it's gonna get worse, but one day it will be gone.

I have a whole life ahead, and it will be a FUCKING GOOD ONE.

Like she said herself...

Life will be awful at times, but there will be intense moments of absolute joy.

I left that room a different person.

There is one more thing though...

There was a boy at school, who is gone now, but when he was here he was openly gay.

He's part of a tiny community in my town of same-sex-attracted people who meet up on Mondays at 4 o'clock at a place up the street.

After the interview, i think Mrs OC gave him a call.

During period 5, she came to my class and gave me a note, saying that i should give him a call because he's good to talk to and he could take me to this thingy.

I'm kind of nervous. I think i'll call him on the weekend and see what it's about though. It could be interesting.

So after today, i'm a little bit stronger, but i am still scared.

We'll just have to see how things pan out, because i know that in the next few days, things are either gonna turn out okay, or come crashing down.

If they do come crashing down though, i know who i'm going to talk to - my favourite teacher who just got even better.

Wish me luck,

love to us all,


And thanks for all your support on the last post, and for the emails you sent me. It made me feel so much better.


Doug said...

I'm really glad you told Mrs. OC and that she was able to help you so much. She is totally right. You have the rest of your life to enjoy. Just get out of there as soon as you graduate high school. And it's going to be awesome. :)

Glad you're feeling better about everything. And I hope that you give the boy a call because I think that group will help.. I'm sure just talking with people who understand you will be helpful.

Again, congratulations on having a new view on life!

Anonymous said...

for every bully, there's a mrs. oc - a comforting though, isn't it?

we all need to feel that we belong, and some have to go far to find their niche. all the best mirrorboy.

Planetx_123 said...

Well certainly if you go to a big college or university there will be plenty of other gay people, and she is totally right-- the world just opens up and you realize... oh yea theres a TON of people in the world just like me! ...and they are hot too, and are equally attracted to you! You will surely enjoy yourself outside of your little town :-)

I am really happy you got this advice, because thats hard advice to say and make it really sink in. Everyone "knows" theres a "big" world out there... but when you talk to someone that makes you believe it- thats special.

I think you should go- talking to some real people might be just what you need.

Much Love,

mirrorboy said...

Good point planetx. A hundred people could have said bla bla bla about the rest of the world to me, but hearing it from HER, a person i adore and respect so much really made it mean something.

Anonymous said...

isnt it great when YOU'RE RIGHT?

on your 4th post on your new blog, you told us all about this wonderful teacher who changed your life - i think u called her OC...

learn to trust your gut - that's where u feel things - and the first thing u feel is usually correct

dont worry about the bully - do take a lil care for yourself - about the only thing i'd do is make sure i'm not in the toilet or the locker room alone with only my male peers around

btw - in ur 3rd post, u said u were getting up with an old friend from primary school - did u ever?

also, ask OC about how to look for a parttime job at the local paper or with a printer, your skills match their needs and they may even let you be a contract worker for cash under the table

chin up, smile


Anonymous said...

What i'm going to say won,t be very popular... but its my truth.

I came from an abusive family, and partly because of that i went to 14 different schools by the time i got to 9th grade.

Now, i dont like violence, it makes me sad for mankind, it makes me feel we havent evolved.

But i learned early on that the "new kid" or the "different kid" or the "vulnerable kid" was going to be tested.

I did what i had to do, i carried a roll of nickels in my pocket and the first kid that gave me shit at a new school got knocked on his ass!

I didn't care who it was, it was about establishing the fact that if you were gonna mess with me, you were gonna pay a price.

Bully's dont want to fight, they want to humiliate. Make a stand and they will go away, with a two week shiner that they'll have to answer for.

I hate violence, but gay boys out there, stop being such willing victims! I took up boxing and became a Golden Gloves champion.

I stood my ground and it stopped!

This is about survival and walking away with self-respect.

This is also about looking out for those that are following you.

The rest of the world must learn that we WILL NOT be willing victims!

Gay boys quit sniveling into the pillow and punch a bully square in the mouth!

Unpopular View :)

AJCon89 said...

i'm very happy that you were able to talk to her. that was amazing and will be a great help to you.

Its great that she was able to help you put things in perspective and make you feel better. It makes me smile (even though it hurts to smile right now)

Where have you been on MSN... miss chatting on there.


Jake Annonymous said...

You can come live with me and theres the added advantage you only have to serve two more years in our schools and we can go together :)



naturgesetz said...

It sounds like a really good day.

For just a little more perspective, it's been almost three weeks since you were outed at school and you're still in one piece. The school has sent a message by suspending the bully, that what he did (BTW I didn't catch exactly what it was) will not be tolerated. So,yeah, there will be nasty comments from small-minded people, but it looks as if you'll be okay.

So hang in there.

E said...

There are some good points here. They are valid and in order, but I'm with anonymous. Beat the hell out of him.

You might not win the fight, you might get suspended as a result, but you will have your dignity and he'll find someone else to mess with. Bullies want the easiest target they can find. This time it happens to be you cause your gay. Homosexuality has become synonymous with weakness and when we run and hide we only let that thought proliferate.

Knock him on his ass. Pepper spray him. Pants him. Hit him in the mouth. Throw a chair at him. I'm not telling you to do this to get suspended, but the torture will continue for the remainder of your school years if you don't. There are times when you should walk away....but buddy this ain't one of those times.

You might not even have to get into a long fight with him [or get hurt]. You just have to convince him that picking on you isn't worth it. You have to make him believe that you are crazy as HELL. You gotta flip out so bad that you scare yourself. When he realizes that you aren't an easy or willing target, then he'll find someone else.

Landyn said...

I love u buddy. I'm sorry i'm not online a lot lately - fucking school.

Im so glad u talked to her and that she is watching out for you like that. You are such as amazing and special person and you are soooo right - your life is going to be a FUCKING GOOD ONE.

so take care and hold on to that hope and never let it die. Love you man,

Landyn <3

victor said...

dude. you've been through some shit. glad you're still with us.

Seth said...

(sorry, I wanted to reply to this the other day)

"Anonymous" and "E" wrote some pretty intense and provactive comments here.

While part of me wants to agree with their "take a stand and fight back" ideas, more of me wants to think in terms of reality.

And the reality is, a physical confrontation is DANGEROUS. To your health. To your life. Honestly.

While its a nice romantic notion of the weaker victim "fighting back" and triumphant over the bully, the reality is often much different. Movies and television popularize that romantic ideal, but the stories you hear from the newspaper should make things focus in a real-life perspective. The truth is, confrontations in real life often end up with someone in the hospital, or worse.

And that terrifies me, and freaks me out thinking anything bad could happen to you also.

So, please, be careful. And seek help - OC, other teachers, even the police, if you feel threatened.

PS: perhaps a thing of pepper spray might be a good idea too.....