Saturday, November 15, 2008

Shut up and leave me alone.

I haven't had any alone time in ages. My mum's been home all the time recently.

And when she's home, she's usually out here in the kitchen, and in case you don't know by now, the only computer in my house that has the internet is the one out here in the kitchen.

That means she's almost always around me when i'm on the internet. O_O

Let me give you a few reasons why i HATE that.

1. I can't look at some websites when i want to cos i know they might have 'pictures' on them, and if she sees 'pictures' she'll think i MUST be on porn, and then blame me for infecting the computer with viruses.

2. She talks to me when i'm busy. It doesn't matter how many times i tell her i'm in the middle of something or whatever, she just keeps talking and talking and talking, to me, or to herself, or to the cats.

3. She smokes and doesn't close the glass door.

4. She plays music really loud and i can't hear myself think.

And then the other day she was out here, and we were already in a bad mood... Out of the blue she asks (demands) in a snarly tone what i talk to my friends about on MSN.

I told her it was none of her business...

And then she starts yelling (and swearing) about how she pays for the internet and "IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS?????" making out like i was being a sneaky prick.

"OH i work so hard and you don't give a fuck. I pay all the bills and you show no respect. IT IS MY FUCKING BUSINESS."

WTF? Like she was implying i'm doing something so WRONG??

I wanted to scream "GET FUCKED!" at her. She just lost it for no reason at me.

It's fucking hell in my house sometimes. I need time away from her or i will go insane.

Now she's bugging me for the computer. She's actually taking flash photos of me... O_O


AJCon89 said...

yeah... tell mom to stop interrupting our conversations... lol

i'm sorry buddy... maybe for christmas you can get the wireless router. I know money is tight right now, but that could be a cool christmas present if your mom is going to get you something.

parents can get annoying... we all know that. But i really think your mom was trying to be protective of you and not just trying to bud in.

She just wants to make sure what you are doing online is safe and you arent doing anything stupid. I know it is hard for you to see that, but it is probably the truth.

Feel better buddy.


Anonymous said...

lol...maybe u should just say "privacy please, mummy dearest" next time she asks u bout watcha do msn. at least she can't fault u for the respect aspect ;) ooh rhyme

good luck!

Jake Annonymous said...

im sure shes just concerned if your running some blog about your life and telling everyone random details about your life.. and your to smart to do that aren't you?

Anyway, you should delete your chat logs from time to time in case she gets nosey, she doesnt need a password to read them on your ocmputer

Brass Matt said...

I got to agree with AJ and not just because he is my boy toy.

She is probably concerned for your safety online and is afraid you may do something stupid and decide to meet up with some creep.

I'm sure that she loves you.

But the lack of actual privacy sucks. I mean, a boy has his "personal" needs.

victor said...

ok dude. parents can get wacky on occasion. let me present an alternative look at this, or at least part of it. first off, financial strain can cause some serious problems with people from both sides. from the one who is trying to make ends meet, they perceive themselves as inadequate because they cannot make enough money to provide for everything they think they should be able to have. from the other side, they feel slighted because they want something that they cannot have. parents also tend to be overprotective of their children, and let me tell you, it doesn't matter how old you are. my mum is still that way with me. sometimes this comes across as bad, becasue we live in a world where people believe that the internet is evil, and that anyone over 21 is a paedophile and a mass rapist, and will track you down through the internet and come and kill you off after having their way with you. it's a popular misconception, but unless you give out explicit information, it's almost impossible to determine that info. i'm assuming you have anti virus software on your computer. you're more likely to get virii from email than from accessing websites. spyware is a different story. there are spyware blockers out there, and if your browser is up to date, it shouldn't be a problem. another point i will make, and that is that parents do not like to see their children grow up. it especially hits them hard when they become sexually aware. something about that just weirds them out. so yeah, there's a whole list of stuff. i'd suggest an alternate location to get on the internet, like a library or something, but don't do that alone, especially with the thing with the guy from school. all i can say (!) after all of that is, hang in there bud. life is rough, but you'll survive. i believe that. see ya.

Seth said...

Wow, Victor really added some great information there.

Definitely put the wireless router on your Christmas list. Sometimes I wish I could send people gifts, but that would sound sort of pervy, even though I just want to help out. Oh, and of course, I'm broke too, so it would be difficult LOL.

Anyway your reasons:

1. There is usually an option to choose NOT to display images and other visual content when you load a web page, its a bit technicaly and a PITA, but as a last-resort solution, for those couple sites you might have to visit while Mom is standing around

2. Earplugs?

3. Gas Mask? LOL. Smoking sucks.

4. Earplugs again?

Don't get into an argument with her about internet, its not worth it, and you don't want to come off sounding "Defensive" or that you might be "hiding" something, even though you (probably?) aren't. LOL.

As Victor and AJ and Matt and Jake all said, Mom is concerned for you, and rightly so. Perhaps you might consider sharing a little bit of what you're doing online, even an edited version of your blog, just to appease her fears and worries. Moms are usually much more relaxed after you prove to them that you are being safe, smart, and not too naughty!!!

Anyway, also try calmly telling her the truth, that you're trying to do some writing/blogging/wanking(not) and you really need some peace and quiet and time to yourself to concentrate. Often Moms don't even realize they are being so overprotective that you feel smothered.


PS: and yes, you should have a good antivirus program (I recommend Norton but McCaffe or TrendMicro are also highly-rated) as well as anti-spyware programs such as Spybot Search and Destroy, the all-important Lavasoft AdAware, even MS Defender, (or a one-stop solution such as the top recommended Mcafee AntiVirus Plus AntiSpyware, but that costs $$$) and lastly, you should be running a good firewall program like ZoneAlarm. I've used that combo (Norton A/V, Spybot, AdAware, and ZoneAlarm, for YEARS and never had any problems). If you need help choosing/configuring I'm sure some of us here can help.

victor said...

hey seth:

i'm glad to see that i'm not the only one that sanitizes my surfing experience. good points all. i'd also add to mirrirboy, and anyone else too, that if you're running internet explorer, and it's not the absolute latest, like in vista, you're at risk. microsoft is not really fastidious with their code. i'm running a firefox (mozilla) browser with adblock and noscript enabled. i'm also running mcaffee corporate antivirus. it's a matter of personal preference. mcaffee provides a pretty serious firewall function, i used to use zonealarm, which is excellent, but mcaffee does the same thing. there are also freeware antivirus packages out there, agv comes to mind. also norton used to offer a service where you could scan for virii from their site. it was a one time deal. ok, the point is to stay safe, and it's certainly possible to do that. i also agree with seth about giving mum a sanitized version of the online stuff. i know it's hard to think of this in the heat of an arguement, but when you're defensive, it makes her defensive also. you're not doing anything wrong, there's nothing to get defensive about. it might also help to tell her that you've found people that understand what you're going through and that you're discussing problems with them, things that you can't discuss locally for obvious reasons. hopefully that will ease her off some. trust is a two way street, and both parties have to be able to work with each other. if you make the first move, a lot of times that will be all that is needed. jeez buddy, i guess i got carried away here. we all care about you dude, understand that. take care then, eh?

steevo said...

...ok here's an idea from queer garden guy... QGG?

Gardeners are an odd lot. Manic and OC is their middle name. SO... there is usually way more to do than time available and often more things a gardener would LIKE to do but just puts off.

Lotta male gardeners are also queer like us.

So start walking thru neighborhoods with nicer homes with gardens that look cared for. Weekend mornings are great. And the weather down there is prime time for gardeners to get going after the winter lull. Look for gardeners outside working.

Make a little flyer maybe or better yet...just walk up to people and ask... "Hi, my name is ________________. I live just afew blocks away and go to ____________school. Do you ever need an extra hand or a little help in your garden? I need a job and I don't mind getting my hands dirty. In fact I've always liked plants and outdoors and stuff but I don't know much. But I'm smart and learn quickly." Smile & be charming and cute. Older gardeners especially need help with heavier stuff. And they like to have nice sweet young people like you around. We have neighbors in their 70s who are very active but still hire teens to help with various projects. The wife told me her husband just loves having young teens around and she always bakes cookies. A good writer needs to understand human nature... and getting to know an older person and how they see th world, etc. might be good stuff. Right, Natursegetz? help me out here.

Anyone can pull weeds, water, mow lawns, etc. You might even get to like it. Kinda addicting for some of us.

Start off cheap. Like here $5 per hour here is below minimum wage, but I have no idea what it would be like down under. I sometimes hire boys [watchit!] for $7.50/hr to do the grunt work cuz I'd rather do the "funer" stuff!

Start off with compliments.. "wow..those roses are incredible! Reminds me of my grandma's garden." [be creative; u need cash, right?]


"I bet you spend a lot of time out here in your garden... it sure shows!"

Gardeners, like queers, melt for praise. In general, more or less.

Gardening is not rocket science... connection to soil might enhance your story lines.

There's also car washing, lawn mowing, babysitting, etc.

Offer OC as a reference.


This is a system of "rehoming" stuff. Check it out. People post what they want to offer or need. A well written plea from a broke [low on cash] teenager might just find you a free router or long extension wire to run into your room to have internet there. Also ask the tech teacher at school or ask OC to help you scrounge up a used router.

Does your small town have a forum or site where people post about local stuff, like where do I find a good vet, who does good car repair, etc. Post there.

Sounds like yer mum is way stressed. Maybe send her an email and say someething like, "I hate that we fight like we did recently. I do love you, I know times are rough right now. I'm also 15 which is not easy for either of us. etc." You both might still rant and rave, but at least she'll have that message tucked away.

You of course should ignore any ideas that seem culturally inappropriate, etc. XD If I was there I'd give you the damn extra router I have. But I'm not, so this is the best I can do, Mboy.

*hugs etc.*

p.s. This is long but I think some other teens out there might have similar issues so I want them to benefit from my brilliant ideas! LMAO...


Anonymous said...

Is it possible that "Shut up and leave me alone" is NOT what you really feel, that the more accurate statement might be something like "After all I've been through in the last few weeks, I wish that my 'safe' places / people / activities really felt that way right now...?"

All your friends' comments before me are spot on, whether I'm right or wrong in my opening. Fact is, most of us have already been there, some just more recently than others. Me, I've been there twice; once at 15, which was an unmitigated disaster, and again later, as I befriended numerous 15yo's in my area and lived through it with them.

Issues seem to pop up more with mums than with dads. I think this is because mums feel and intuitively absorb stuff and dads only catch what they actually see or hear. Also, girls seem to get off easier than boys here. Mums get into the idea of having a little lady when daughter's 11-12 and don't worry about her again until she's moving out at 18. Boys hit mum's brick wall with a big "splat" at 15. The reasons may be both simple and complex - I think it's because at 15, mum's baby boy is showing undeniable signs that he's rapidly becoming a young man. Check this out: at 15, your average boy is in his most vigorous growth spurt (sometimes as much as 6" or 20 cm/yr), he's just started high school which changes him socially, he's well into puberty which makes him a raging hormone instead of a human, and he's just realized that his entire existence is so uniquely f**cked up with extreme highs and lows that he dare not share this with a single soul!

Now, with mum watching, while you are trying to ride a surfboard in flip-flops on a roller coaster during a tornado, can you expect any different from her? from yourself? Maybe.

As I said, I like all the comments, but I'd like to accent one of Seth's ideas by repeating it: Talk with her.

Yeah, I know. You've already tried it and it got you nowhere. But... Did you talk WITH her or did you talk AT her? Big difference between the two; 'WITH' involves slowing down, thinking rather than reacting, and really listening AND hearing her responses.

Mum needs to know, she just doesn't need to know everything. Be truthful while remembering that telling the truth is not the same as full disclosure. One big stumbling block for 15yo's is that they often simply "don't know," yet, when mum hears a mumbled "I dunno" she assumes she's being avoided or ignored. If the answer really is IDK, then say that, but also add some explanation of how you're dealing with the question. You, too, also need to know things, and you should ask. Mum may be just as concerned about 'her' stuff as you are about 'your' stuff. The best trick I've ever learned when trying to talk WITH someone is to erase the word "you" from my vocabulary. Saying "you" is just the same as actually pointing your finger at them, and it sounds and feels accusatory, which automatically makes them take a defensive posture. Avoiding saying "you" changes the exchange from:
Son - "You're always yelling at me."
Mum - "No, I don't; besides you never listen anyway..."
to one with real potential:
Son - "I feel really hurt and angry when you yell at me, especially when I can't see why."
Mum - "I'm sorry, son. I yell because I feel you're ignoring me."

Talking WITH does work, but it takes patience and practice. Learning to do this will benefit you now and in the future.

Best Wishes. xoxo

steevo said...

re: Anonymous said...

Is it possible that "Shut up and leave me alone" is NOT what you really feel, that the more accurate statement might be something like "After all I've been through in the last few weeks, I wish that my 'safe' places / people / activities really felt that way right now...?"

Wow --- now that's some good insight and advice! Whoever he/she is, there's a lot of wisdom and experience there. Also a keen understanding of the human male beast at 15! Read it every morning!

That person should have a blog!



Doomed but cheerful! said...

mmm - Confrontation usually ends in tears. Do what you need to do to keep the peace. Assert your need for privacy and respect, of course, but try and be mindful that your mother still thinks of you as her little boy, and is probably trying to protect you from all the bad stuff out there (perceived or real).
Steevo has some brilliant ideas about getting some money together and getting other stuff together - they work 'cos (a) I did something similar and (b) my eldest is doing it now.
Keep the faith!
Gurney x

Oh yes, all that techno-stuff is probably right too - I use Opera for my browser, and keep the sensitive stuff locked away with AxCrypt, and use CCleaner to clear off the rubbish - won't fool the FBI, I expect, but sorts out nosey parents =]

naturgesetz said...

Close quarters can make for tension. Try to understand that these arguments and outbursts are transitory, not part of some great eternal reality. There are lots of good comments. I think it would be good if you try to tell your Mum what you can — I'm having conversations with people, just like I do with friends here. If she persists say something like, "You don't eavesdrop on everything I say to my friends; you don't ask me to repeat everything we say when I'm somewhere else with them. I think this is just like that. You don't have to worry. I'm not going to let some perv lure me." She really does care about you, even when she annoys you.

I really like steevo's suggestion.

A number of years ago, I realized I wasn't mowing the lawn often enough, so I hired a boy about your age who had posted fliers around town. He kept working for me every summer until he graduated from uni. We agreed on $25 to do the job each time. He did it well and I added a bit as a tip each time. And although he never asked for it, I increased what I paid him each summer.

If you don't have a lawnmower, you can't offer to mow their lawns, but you can certainly work in their gardens.

It gets you money, and it gets you out of the house.

If you can't do that, maybe you can get a job in a shop?

steevo said...

good ol Nat' --- agrees w/ steevo! LOL this once anyway...

lotta people have their own lawnmower just want u to do it.

was the mowerboy hot, N? LOL


naturgesetz said...

@ steevo —

The lawn mower (as I called him) was not especially hot, but he almost never wore a shirt while he was actually mowing the lawn, even on a couple of occasions when the temperature was around 58 F. He was basically flat-chested, with no defined muscles anywhere else. Sagger, though, with boxers under his basketball shorts.

But the first couple of summers he had other guys working with him, and the guy who did the job the first summer also did it shirtless, and *he* was hot.

Planetx_123 said...

I certainly wouldn't mind finding a lawnmower person like that! But how do you go about that? "Yea your price is good, but I really want to see you with no shirt on before I agree to the price".... sounds a bit creepy, no? :-)

captcha is "susagrol"... I love it!


naturgesetz said...

It's a matter of luck.


Mr. HCI said...

Lots of great advice already but there's one thing I've not seen mentioned.

Mum knows you're gay and that adds a whole extra layer to the already tense parent/teen dynamic.

The vast majority of parents have children whose sexual orientation matches their own so they understand a lot of what their kids are going through, even though it probably doesn't seem like it to their children.

A parent who is aware that his or her child is oriented differently often does not understand, despite best intentions. Sure, most parents most likely know what it's like to feel different and alone (what teen doesn't feel like that at least sometimes?) but being gay or bi is a whole 'nother ball of wax and can leave a parent feeling at a complete loss as to how to handle the child.

For one thing, mum is probably afraid you're arranging clandestine sex hookups via the 'net. Assure her that you are absolutely not doing anything of the sort.

She's also probably afraid you're giving personal information to people via the 'net that they'd be able to use to track you down and harm you. Again, assure her that you're very careful. That includes not posting your picture where it could be associated with this blog, not naming the school you attend or the town where you live (since it's small, right?) and not using anyone's real name in blog posts. I'm pretty sure you're already doing this but I've not read all of your posts.

Finally, parents of gay/bi kids are acutely aware that what interests their children sexually is alien (and most likely disgusting) to them.

It'd be bad enough if all mum had to worry about was if you might get VD or get a girl pregnant. If only it were that simple for her! Now, she's going to be worried you'll get AIDS and die young, a much worse prospect that getting a young lady knocked up.

She also may fear that you, being young, will be an easy target for perverts who will want to take advantage of you. My mother expressed a fear when a very straight friend of mine had very long hair that a homosexual would see his pretty hair and attack him! And my mom is in no way stupid.

Finally, mum probably can't help but get mental images of you with a penis in your mouth or bottom and/or you with your penis in another boy. Instead of worrying that you'll meet a nice girl, shes likely stressing about the vile things you'll be one day doing, if she doesn't think you are already.

That's a lot for both of you to wrap your heads around. It's difficult enough for a parent when a child comes out but especially tough when the child is still just a baby in her eyes.

Trust on both sides is vitally important now.