Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bittersweet.

As much as i'm happy for a few of my blogging buddies, who are having a great time in their lives... i'm sad.

Watching a romance movie that warms your heart, then turning off the TV and being met by the cold dark loneliness of silence...

Is akin to reading about people who have great friends and people who love them, then returning to my own life, and realising how lonely i am.

Sure, i'm happy that i've got this medium through which i've met so many friends. Writing a blog has been great.

But i can't hang out with any of you. None of you can be here for me, unless i'm sitting in front of the computer, oh, and if i want to talk, you have to be in front of yours as well.

As much as i love my online buddies, none of them can compare to a true friend who you can see each day, and touch, and call, and visit, and smile with and laugh with.

Where is that person who i can share my life with? It doesn't have to be a boyfriend as such, just someone i can be honest with, and someone who understands me.

I worry that i may never find someone special. This sounds bizarre, but even though i'm still only 15, i feel like life is slowly ticking away, because i don't think i've made much progress.

I don't want to be one of those people who is alone for the prime of their life.

I want to grow up with someone.

But there simply is nobody for me at this stage.

And i cannot meet anyone.

From now on, i'm wishing myself luck. I'm always wishing everyone else good luck, but now i'm going to stockpile some for myself. I think i need it more than you.

As always, love,

===>mirrorboy<===

And yeah, i've still got the flu. Ain't that fun?

12 comments:

AJCon89 said...

awww buddy... I feel so horrible for you.

I know that it sucks that you only have "online" friends right now... but think about it... if this was 20 years ago, you wouldnt even have that.

While we may only interact through a computer, we are real people on both ends and we all care about you. and there is nothing, nothing wrong with that.

You will find your buddy - you will. It may take some time, it did for me. But when you do finally find that friend or lover, you will realize that it was worth the wait. But even more than that, you will realize that you needed to wait to become ready to have that amazing relationship.

But in the meantime, rely on what you do have - your online friends. I know its weird - you dont really know anyone - hell... I just started posting a few days ago, but because of our blog, we are all able to tell each other things that we would never tell anyone else. There is something special about that.

Anyway... I really hope you feel better - it sucks being depressed - I've been there and done that - but trust me, it will get better, it always does.

<3
AJ

Anonymous said...

We love you Dusty, the universe takes care of good people, and that means you! Hold on, think good thoughts, dream sweet dreams, be kind to yourself.

::hug:: Tristan

steevo said...

M O S T 15yo males have not found "the one"... str8, gay, bi...

Your very body is changing so much, hormones are rampant, chaos is normal. Do you exercise at all? Walk, run, ??? That's the easiest way to fight depression which is also normal at your stage of growth.

But you are 1/2 my age, you little twerp! I'll never be 15 again, damn it, but you WILL be 31 in a few years. So try not to waste a damn minute. OK?

I do not mean to lecture, just want to remind you that you are 100% normal. The queer part is almost entirely incidental.

So get busy. You are most likely to find someone when you are busy doing something worthwhile. Volunteer, join a team or a club, find ways to interact with peers. You just might get lucky.

I am a real life California sex ed teacher, so I'm not just blathering on.

Any questions? As I tell the horny 9th graders, if I don't know the answer I'll find it.

Maybe I could put in for overtime... jk.

Love you guys.

teech
.
.
.

mirrorboy said...

WELL STEEVO, i'm not looking for 'THE ONE' just somebody who understands me and cares about what i'm going through.

- someone who i can actually talk to in real life k?

Is that TOO MUCH to ask for?

And so what if i'm a little 15yo twerp, i'm lonely. It doesn't matter what age i am. >:(

Landyn said...

...im moving to australia then

<3 you man, hang in there. The day will come. I wish I could make it all better, but I cant :( I feel the same way u do...im surrounded by these 'friends' that i honestly dont care much about. I have a small group of really close friends who I love but I cant even really talk to...so I feel like im alone except online with my blog and with ppl like u.

so if u ever get discouraged, just know that u are helping at least one person get through tough times too (and i wouldnt trade that for anything)

Love you man,
-Landyn

JC said...

been there , done that, . friends come in all shapes of bottles. but i know there only time can tell, you wanna make friends,you have to get out there, you have to make a stand, you have to shout and see who listing, then carefully make connections, thoe the best mates devlepope from time, just dont go down these trail of thoughts, just go out and do somthing

Doomed but cheerful! said...

Dusty - we all feel your pain. And I don't know which part of Oz you are in, but if it's some remote sheep station, then I know you just can't go down to the mall 'on the pull' or whatever. But Steevo is right, in that you are unlikely to have found the one at 15 (but note - it's not impossible!).
JC is spot on - if you follow a depressive train of thought, your depression will increase, and if you are in that black pit for long enough, it will become part of your character, putting off the 'ray of sunlight' that you *will* eventually meet. Trust me (complete, random stranger!).
You are the aspiring journo - then treat our comments as multiple sources of anecdotal evidence - sift them of rubbish (most of my comment, for sure) and find the commonalities, which are likely to be the truth.
In this instance: true; you are pissed off; true, you are lonely. But also true, you will find him - eventually (likely when you are least looking!).
And true - we are all rooting for you; though insubstantial, we are all here for you.
Gurney x

mirrorboy said...

Gah... i'm not just talking about finding 'the one'. I just want a friend who understands me and cares about me.

I'll tell you something.

I know there are a lot of amazing people out there who i have that sort of relationship with, the only problem is that they don't live near me so we can't catch up and stuff.

I just wish i had someone one of them as a real-life friend.

This was NOT a post of me bitching about not being able to find 'the one'.

===>mirrorboy<===

Now, i've thought about getting a job. I just need to sort out my tax file number. Then i can put myself out there and meet some people and hopefully turn this valley of sadness into a mountain of happiness.

naturgesetz said...

You are so wise to realize that even more than "the one," you need a good friend.

All I can say is, life keeps changing. You keep meeting new people. Or it could happen that you'll get to really know someone who is just in the background of your life right now — someone who is in school but you've never really gotten to know, for example. Or maybe one of the people you hang out with now will want to get closer.

So hang in there, mate.

AJCon89 said...

btw... It took me 19 years to find my friend I could talk to...

just know it will hppen for you when the time is right.

steevo said...

M-boy sed: //As much as i love my online buddies, none of them can compare to a true friend who you can see each day, and touch, and call, and visit, and smile with and laugh with. Where is that person who i can share my life with? It doesn't have to be a boyfriend as such, just someone i can be honest with, and someone who understands me. I worry that i may never find someone special. This sounds bizarre, but even though i'm still only 15, i feel like life is slowly ticking away, because i don't think i've made much progress. I don't want to be one of those people who is alone for the prime of their life. I want to grow up with someone. But there simply is nobody for me at this stage. And i cannot meet anyone.//

and to me he sed:

// WELL STEEVO, i'm not looking for 'THE ONE' just somebody who understands me and cares about what i'm going through.
- someone who i can actually talk to in real life k? Is that TOO MUCH to ask for? And so what if i'm a little 15yo twerp, i'm lonely. It doesn't matter what age i am. >:( //

OK, m-boy... first of all, I may have gotten the tone wrong! And "twerp" is a term of endearment in my family --- especially as used by my dad when he was commenting on my advantage as a youthful person --- compared to him. So no sarcasm intended. Just a nudge. I hope you know that you are sweet and kind and BRAVE ffs! Probably very cute too! OK?

Perhaps I should have preceded the "kick in th ass" portion with more compassion. sry. :-] Of course your age does not matter when it comes to sadness or feelings of isolation. The fact that they are likely biologically based in no way diminishes their reality or importance. But if one knows the origin of some difficulties, that can be a first step to doing something to help YOURSELF. Like exercise and eat good food! It's real I know. There is a definite genetic disposition for depression on BOTH sides of my family. So I have had to learn to be alert and take precautions and make sure Dan "keeps an eye on me" if things get messy. Your depression is probably environmental, meaning what you are dealing with right now is a neurochemical [brain stuff] imbalance caused by stress in your life. Sorry if this sounds like a biology lesson, but it's important! OK? XD

I know you may scoff, but is there possibly one teacher you can talk to at school? [or any adult you know and trust...] Someone that you like? He/she seems to understand teens? And you probably enjoy his/her class. You may not have the teacher this year, but wish you did.

My suggestion: Go see that teacher and say something like, "Umm--- can I come talk to you after school or sometime convenient? I, er, ah, kinda need to talk with someone I trust and I picked you" Then smile really BIG!

If you have gaydar, use that too. There are LOTS of us queers who are teachers. XD Don't expect or ask a pos sibly gay teacher to say he/she is gay, just trust him/her.

Then talk! Hearing yourself formulate the words out loud is part of sorting it all out. Just having someone listen to you is a big thing! We are social creatures and we need to talk TO other people about the big stuff.

There's someone out there. It may not seem so, but about 10% of the general population is homosexual. That's 1 in 10 ffs. If you put a 100 guys your age in a room, TEN [more or less] of them are queer like us! And the friend you want does not have to be gay anyway.

Enough for now. Hope this clarifies what I was trying to say.

huggs!

mirrorboy said...

ok, i forgive you steevo. :)

and if there was a teacher, it would probably be this one.

http://mirrorboysblog.blogspot.com/search/label/OC

there we go. :)