Friday, October 10, 2008

Oh... no...

It's a time we all think about.

Many of us think about it with a sense of dread.

Coming out.

It goes through our head again and again.

Who do I tell? Can I trust them?

When is the right time?

Where should i tell them?

Am i ready for what might happen to me if this doesn't go well?

Well i have to prepare myself in the next two days.

Tonight i was informed that one of my 'friends' (i use the term very lightly) went poking around in my USB and came across one of my... folders.

I found this out through my best friend Matthew (see a previous post for info about him) on MSN.

It's hard to get real information from him though, so the situation is still kind of sketchy, but i do know that a couple of my friends know about my stash, and i'm terrified about what i'll have to face when the weekend is over and i have to face school again.

Will they keep their traps shut? Is it too late to even ask them to? Maybe they've blabbed it to everyone at school while i wasn't there today.

I'll be the sufferer of all the gay hatred at my school, because there are no other openly 'out' people, and gays aren't generally accepted amongst my peers.

Will they be waiting for an explanation from me? Will they listen to my "please please please don't tell anyone"s?

Or will this bring us closer together? Will my friends accept me and for the first time in my life i can finally be myself? No more pretending? No more lying?

Or is this the start of the worst time of my life so far?

Good or bad. Light or dark. Joy or misery.

In 2 days time i discover my fate.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thats a tough one for sure. I do think that you are the one in control of how "it", whatever "it" may be, turns out.

Its always a good idea to be in control of when, and how the "out" happens. But sometimes the "out" is out of our control.

First thing you should do is take a deep breath, or several hundred, and relax a little. It's easy to imagine the worst isn't it?

Grab a piece of paper and write out your idea of the worst that could happen from this. Then write out the best that you could imagine happening from this.

Then make a plan with a few options for each scenario.

Then realise that what will probably happen is something in between the best and worst, and make a plan for that.

I've read your posts about feeling lonely, and shy, and self-aware. Instinct tells me that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You've also said that you are very perceptive, thats a great quality to have in these situations as well.

No one can take your dignity, self-respect etc. unless you allow that.

Be strong, many of us went through this before you, and many will after you. Its all of our responsibilities to help make this world a better place for those that will surely follow us.

AND THAT MEANS STANDING TALL AND PROUD! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

You know my IM... we, your brothers, are here for you...

::hug:: Tristan

Landyn said...

dude, i dont even know what to say. Tristan basically nailed it. I cant even imagine the feelings that u are going through right now.

My heart aches for you in so many ways.

Love u man, hang in there
Landyn <33333

DL said...

I totally know how you're feeling and I'm hoping for the best for you. If they really are your friends then they will be accepting and open with you.

Tristan has some really great advice. Try to keep your mind off of it for a bit - what happened has happened and you can't do anything to change that.

I've just found your blog tonight, but just know that all of us in the blog world are out here to support you.

Seth said...

Possibly a major change in your life is coming for you. But remember, chang, no matter in what form, is ultimately for the good. And yes, like.... Tristan? .... said... you are in control of who you are and what you become. Other people can't take away your strength, and your pride.

Perhaps its time to investigate "Pride" as well. I don't mean to suggest flinging open the "closet" door and covering yourself in rainbow flags, but something more intelligent to achieve the same results.

You write alot. Do they have a school newspaper? Ask to publish an article - an article about being YOU, about being diverse, about caring for one another. You get the drift.

Open a dialogue, and help to educate people. Only through learning can people open their eyes and stop being ignorant and hateful.

I know here in the United States, we have certain groups and organizations that can "help" with these types of isses. In a few cities and towns, they even have groups such as "GALY" - gay and lesbian youth - programs that provide chat, safe space to be yourself, and other resources. They also have some GLSEN type groups - gay-lesbia-straight-education-network - that help people of all types integrate and learn to live together. There is also a group called PFLAG - parents-friends-of-lesbians-gays, which is a support and information group for all people. (Perhaps you can help educate your Mom too!! She probably loves you, but may need a little clarity of comprehension).

I don't know if you have any of these sort of resources where you live, or even in your country, but there might be some gay rights group that could at least point you in the right direction, and of course your internet friends, chat room connections, can also provide support and information. (gay.com, for example, even though it's currently having technical sux, might have a chat room. Of course, if you can avoid the old perverts (LOL, like me hahah 32 going on 75) and maybe find one or two people to really chat with, they might be able to provide more support also.

Lean on us, your internet readers and friends, as much as you need. Remember, nothing is ever bad enough to do something drastic without talking about it first.

Oh, and finally sorry this is such a long post - in a way, maybe you're in luck. Tomorrow (Saturday October 11th) is "NATIONAL COMING-OUT DAY" here in the USA, and also celebrated in other countries around the world. Perhaps you can tie that in with whatever your situation may become. Google for more info, of course.

Anyway, don't drive yourself crazy worrying all weekend. I wish you strength and happiness.

Seth

naturgesetz said...

You ask if it is too late to ask Matthew and the other friend to keep quiet about what the other one found. I don't think so. I mean, if they haven't already told more people about it, they should be able to understand that it could cause problems for you; and they ought to be willing to respect your right to privacy about it.

So I say, give it a try. It might work. Let them know how important it is to you.

Jake said...

Hey, I know exactly how you are feeling. I was petrified about coming out for a long time. It was always on the back of my mind and I thought about it every day. Who could I tell? What would their reaction be? Would they still be my friend?? These are the questions I had.

But... one day my older brother asked me "Are you gay?" and I really had no idea what to say. Should I lie? Should I tell the truth and hope for the best??? Well... it turned out that I just didn't answer the question. I didn't lie, but I certainly didn't tell him the truth. I sort of just played it off and changed the subject.

Eventually I came out to this gay guy that I worked with and he encouraged me to come out. But, still I was hesitant... Somehow, miraculously I got a boyfriend... and it was at this point that I said to myself "You know what? I have a boyfriend now. Theres nothing for me to be afraid of. I'm tired of hiding" and that was when I told both of my brothers and all of my friends.

Do you know what happened?? Absolutely nothing. Everyone accepted me!!! All the fears and hesitation and nervousness were for nothing.

So, here is my advice. Be confident in yourself. Know that regardless of what people think about you in the end you know that you are a good person and being gay doesn't change that.

Take care,
Jake

victor said...

dude, what they said is true. hang in there. the other thing is that if these people are such gossip mongers, rest assured that you will only attract their attention until something else happens. it's like the news, stories are huge for a day, then everyone forgets them. at the very worst, people only remember things for 120 days, then it all fades away. that wasn't much help, was it. we're here, dude, again, make use of your resources.

victor said...

btw, if you want to prevent such future episodes, blowfish http://www.gregorybraun.com/BlowFish.html is a nice utility that is open source, and which can encode your special files. just a suggestion.