Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Last breath?

I wish i could say things have been getting better but to be honest they haven't. More people are finding out. I'm having to deal with more shit. Life is getting harder.


The night after my last post i lay in bed until 2am contemplating killing myself. It was probably around the worst i've ever been and i've been pretty bad before.

I just wondered what the point of living is, if living is painful. My heart hurt all that day and i just wanted it to stop. I don't want to be me anymore. There was nothing to gain from getting out of bed... and many times i thought there was nothing worth living for because life sucks so much.

People don't like me. I am a joke to them. They hate me. I put so much stress onto my Mum. We were already having such a hard time before this happened, especially financially. I'm making it even worse. I felt like the world would be better off without me in it. They don't want me there. I don't want to be here. We all die eventually. I wanted to escape. I had nothing to live for. Why not just take a knife and do it. I could end it all anytime and never have to suffer again.


Anyway, that was Monday. Today is Wednesday. I haven't gotten to that stage yet, obviously.

I'm 'okay' for now, but i don't know how i'll go if things get any worse. I just really don't think i'd be able to deal with it.

I wish i was stronger but i'm just not. For someone like me to have to put up with things like this, it's just so hard. I seriously think my mind might just snap and crumble into a million little pieces, because i've never had to deal with anything like this ever, and there is no going back.


I don't feel like talking because i know you're going to pounce on me with the predictable 'hang in there it'll be okay'. That's not going to help.

I'm not commenting. I haven't been responding to emails. I just can't be fucked.

Sorry.

===>mirrorboy<===

11 comments:

Planetx_123 said...

I don't know what you feel like, and I understand that "saying its going to be ok" means nothing when you are in pain.

The closest thing I have to compare this to is when my dad passed away two years ago, which I don't think is as bad as what you feel right now. That was enough to make my heart feel like someone was stepping on it, until I just couldn't move with anguish.

I'm just a stranger so certainly nothing I can say will have any resonance, but I feel compelled to say something. You cannot make yourself feel better when your down. You can only wallow in the pain, and own it, until you can see past it. But there is always hope- there are 365 days in a year- today is only one.

Life can only get better, and if there is even the slimmest of chances of getting better (and of course there is)- you owe it to yourself to give it a shot. I know you can look back on this and realize how it shaped you as a person, how it made you stronger, and how it made you appreciate the good and the bad more.

Music will help- go find some loud music and just scream; then find mellow music and reflect...

Much Love,

Steve

Bill said...

'It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.'

You put up this verse on your blog. Tell me you really understand what it means.Because I dont think you do.

Am not gonna be wishy-washy with you mirrorboy. What on earth are you thinking of committing suicide huh?You are only 15 and you have lost all hope in life?And I thought you are a smart person.Do you really think killing yourself works? You are just going to leave whole bunch of us who care so much about you in tears.

Wake up you idiot! Am so pissed at you right now. Am sorry, but you have got me so pissed at you.REALLY PISSED AT YOU. If you are not gonna face the problem yourself, no one, NO ONE can help you. It has to come from you dude.

Am not gonna wait for you to reply me. You can be angry at me, I dont give a fuck. But I want you to be fine.I want you to know that am here all for you. And yes, you are strong. You are the man to admit the truth.

I wish I could go up to you and give a big slap on your face to wake you up.Mirrorboy, I love you okay, I can feel you.Get up and face the problems or it will never be okay.


Loves
Bill

mirrorboy said...

Bill.

///If you are not gonna face the problem yourself, no one, NO ONE can help you. It has to come from you dude.///

///Get up and face the problems or it will never be okay.///

You think i'm not trying to do that??

I've been facing the problems all day long, for three days.

I am doing my best. I am being my strongest. I can't do anything more.

I am not angry at you, but i think you're wrong.

Jake said...

Hey :(
I know exactly what you are going through. When I was your age I had a big bout with depression. I cried... I cried myself to sleep... I cried alone and I felt helpless. As if someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. I know that feeling... and it's terrible, and I'm so sorry that you have to feel that pain.

This part of my life taught me an important lesson that I will never forget. Life will always get better. No matter how hard life seems at the moment and no matter how much pain you are in the future will always hold something better, not necessarily immediately in the future but it's there nonetheless.

Life experiences, whether good or bad, strengthen us for the experiences that have yet to happen. Everything that you are experiencing now will mold you into the person that you are to become tomorrow.

You are a strong, intelligent, and very capable person and I believe in you. These people that are giving you shit right now... you are better than them, and you are stronger than them. If any of them were to walk in your shoes they would shit themselves...

Lots of love,
Jake

p.s. hope to see you on msn soon :(

Jake said...

Bill.

What you wrote isn't true... at least not from my experiences. In matters like this you NEVER have to go alone. And, honestly, it shouldn't be done alone. Mirrorboy needs support right now and telling him that he needs to do something alone is the opposite of that. You wouldn't tell someone to jump into a battlefield with no armour would you? No? I didn't think so.

Jake

Bill said...

Yes!!!!!! I want to hear that from you mirrorboy!=D I want to hear that you are doing your best, I want to hear that you are being at your strongest!

Hold on to the little strength that you have now, and it will grow stronger and stronger in time to come. Believe in your self that you can do it. And we are all here for you.To shout at, to blame at, to get thing off your chest!

I love your attitude mirrorboy! I love it. And thanks for replying.=)

ps. Sry if I was being an ass. I want you to realise you are stronger than you thought.=) Smile more.


Loves,Loves,MORE LOVES
Bill

mirrorboy said...

Jake.

///These people that are giving you shit right now... you are better than them, and you are stronger than them. If any of them were to walk in your shoes they would shit themselves...///

I'm going to put that in the sidebar until i've gotten past this. It made me smile.

Anonymous said...

As nike says, just do IT.

AJCon89 said...

fuck you anonymous... really fuck you

How dare you ever fucking say that shit to my friend mirrorboy... what are you, fucking crazy?

He is a real life person who is going through a hard time... you dont fuck around with someone like that you fucking asshole.

Mirrorboy is amazingly brave.... he has opened up and shared his life with us... what have you done you fuck... sit there behind your keyboard and just type something mean and hurtful????

You sir the coward - you dont even have the balls to do this under your own screenname.... you fucking pussy!!! I haaaate anonymous mother fuckers like you!

You dont even measure up to how great mirrorboy is... you lonely anonymous fag. You wish you had friends like mirrorboy does.

Go leave my mirrorboy alone you worthless piece of shit.

(sorry, i can get defensive)

__________________________________

Mirrorboy,

I love you, and really i do know what you are going through. I am going to make a post soon talking about something I have only told a very few, but I think you need to hear. please read?

::::HUGS::::
AJ

Jacob said...

-mirrorboy-
I'm glad I made you smile :D

So, I just realized that the person who does "My life on a wall" is also named Jake. So, I will be Jacob then :P lol

Laters,
Jacob

Aek said...

Sorry to read this. :( Life has its ups and downs, the question is what do we do about it.

*hugs* Still reading, so I'll read for myself if things get better for you or not.