Last breath?

I wish i could say things have been getting better but to be honest they haven't. More people are finding out. I'm having to deal with more shit. Life is getting harder.


The night after my last post i lay in bed until 2am contemplating killing myself. It was probably around the worst i've ever been and i've been pretty bad before.

I just wondered what the point of living is, if living is painful. My heart hurt all that day and i just wanted it to stop. I don't want to be me anymore. There was nothing to gain from getting out of bed... and many times i thought there was nothing worth living for because life sucks so much.

People don't like me. I am a joke to them. They hate me. I put so much stress onto my Mum. We were already having such a hard time before this happened, especially financially. I'm making it even worse. I felt like the world would be better off without me in it. They don't want me there. I don't want to be here. We all die eventually. I wanted to escape. I had nothing to live for. Why not just take a knife and do it. I could end it all anytime and never have to suffer again.


Anyway, that was Monday. Today is Wednesday. I haven't gotten to that stage yet, obviously.

I'm 'okay' for now, but i don't know how i'll go if things get any worse. I just really don't think i'd be able to deal with it.

I wish i was stronger but i'm just not. For someone like me to have to put up with things like this, it's just so hard. I seriously think my mind might just snap and crumble into a million little pieces, because i've never had to deal with anything like this ever, and there is no going back.


I don't feel like talking because i know you're going to pounce on me with the predictable 'hang in there it'll be okay'. That's not going to help.

I'm not commenting. I haven't been responding to emails. I just can't be fucked.

Sorry.

===>mirrorboy<===