Yes, i've had to develop a thick skin quickly, and i think i've done quite well to be honest.
Like a baby bird i was pushed from the nest, and i suddenly had to learn how to fly. The wind was pushing me down, but i held my head high, and from now on the wind will brush off my back and i will lift ever higher.
Lol let's hope so. ;)
I apologize for my 'suicidal' post down there, but i do like to wallow in my own pity (don't we all?)
Anyways, i do feel like i'm in a better mood than before, and already i feel stronger, so don't worry about me and my knives - i don't think we actually have any sharp enough ones anyway. :P
At school, i haven't actually talked to OC yet. I didn't feel the immediate need to today, but i like to know that if things do get bad, i have options. I've decided that if things get too much in a classroom, i'm just going to walk out (it hasn't gotten near that stage yet though). I'm not going to put up with crap.
If i'm having a bad day i'll just go up to the office and ask to talk to OC, and i know she will help me. I actually had a dream about her last night, in which i told her about my sexuality, and then she told me that she was a lesbian! Hahaha i don't think that's gonna happen though. :P
I've got lots of emails to respond to, and i'll try to get around to that soon. You took the time to send me one (sometimes more than one) when i was sad and the least i can do is say thanks. :)
Speaking of which, a big THANK YOU to all the sweeties who left supportive comments on the blog and sent emails and private messages and such... I did actually read all of them and i think that your love and support is a big part in me getting through this, so thank you!!
I will do my best to make all of you (and myself) proud of me.
Oh, and as for those stupid comments from 'anonymous', just don't respond to them. I don't know what that dickhead is trying to accomplish... cos after what i've gone through recently, no words on a screen from some loser are going to affect me. Any more and i'll just delete them. :)
Anyways,
I started working on my story again, which i hadn't been able to in the past week or so due to the way i was feeling. I think that writing is the best therapy of all for me. Writing is my life, which you all know, so when i'm doing something good with my words it helps me to feel better.
Unfortunately i'm finally up to the war in my story which i've been building up to for 170,000 words, and i SUCK big-time at writing wars! I can really only write small skirmishes and duels, so this is really going to test my skills...
Also, the recent chapters have been hard because i'm missing two of my main characters (one of whom is my favourite, and a joy to write for because he is just so troubled) Coltrane and Klax, who were thrown into the enemy prison. Coltrane was the traitor to his people, and although he was doing bad things (and committed some awful crimes) it was an absolute delight to play around with him because he had such amazing storylines.
When they finally escape and make it back, i will be so happy. ;D
Moving on...
Care about me, pray for me, wish me luck and worry about me, but don't fear for me.
I am strong.
I am a good person.
I have dealt with so much - stuff that the other imbeciles could never cope with.
So i will be okay.
Again, thank you for your support.
love,
===>mirrorboy<===
I'd like to keep this untitled.
14 years ago
16 comments:
I'm glad you are feeling better buddy...
You are incredibly strong and I'm so proud of you...
I miss chatting with you...
Btw... guess what, I kissed Matt :-P haha... It was hot.
Stay strong buddy... you will see... it will all work out. It always does.
Love,
AJ
hey man. I am sure there is nothing that I can say that someone already has not said.
So ill just say what's on my mind.
When those days come where we feel week, just remember that there will always be another day ahead of us. If you are in a situation in life right now that seems horrible and you cannot wait for it to be over, life will change just as the sun rises each morning and sets each evening.
Remember where you are now in life, is not where you will be a few years from now. So the path you choose now, and how you handle things now, will directly affect where you go in the future. So u choosing to come out, in my opinion, was such a huge step forward that I feel it will have such a deep impact on your life in the future. I spent way too much time in the closet denying myself everything. That for me was even more tough than dealing with the occasional bullshit from people now. Hearing people's comments about Gay's hurt when I was in the closet and it kida hurts now that I am out. But that thick skin is important. Because like they say, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one". It's true. People have opinions about everything and that includes gay people. Im sure this is not anything you don't already know, but figure id remind ya neway.
Going through things like this in life is how we build character and strength like i said before, so if u think yer strong now, imagine what u will feel after the dust settles. Not too mention that with people knowing you are out, makes it so much easier to find that love, or i guess to say that love find you....when u least expect it. That's what happened to me.
There is no right or wrong way to express grief and fusteration. Sometimes we take breaks and take time just to ourselves or write, or drown ourselves in music. Whatever your outlet, do it for you. If it's writing, write till yer hands hurt. If it's music turn it up till u feel it in your heart. Whatever it is, do it for you.
I can not count the times on two hands how many times suicide has went through my head. It's natural. Sometimes we feel so hopeless and confused and it seems like the best way. Sometimes i still wonder, even though I know it's not. Life can be hard. But I think about that one day, I will find someone and things will ALWAYS get better. With life we have to take the good with the bad. There is no ALWAYS good life. There has to be those hard times. Just keep your eye on the ball and look for the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Cause it's there, even if we cant see it right now.
So to end my rambeling, I will Care about you, I will pray for you, I will always wish u luck, but I will not worry. That's one thing i will not do. Because I also have wore those shoes u have on right now. I know how they fit, and i know where they lead.
There is more to my story but the gist of it is that you will be fine. Your hard times will come and go, but you are a fighter. This i know.
Take it easy. Stop. Breathe. Pray.
With Love,
Jason
I love the phrase "it will all work out. It always does." because it reminds us of how big the world is and how hard it is to see a foot in front of you when you aren't thinking right. And it's true! It will always work out.
Care about me... check
pray for me... how about well wishes. I'm not sure prayer is really my thing :-)
wish me luck... I hope for you to win 1000 lotteries (although I guess only after you are 18)
worry about me... I don't think I need to anymore; i did after your last breath post, but you are kickin' ass and taking names right now
Much Love,
Steve
i am a very big believer in that motto too, steve.
I usually say it as, "Things always work themselves out."
Simple, but meaningful. :)
Right, so you may have noticed that while I post a lot of comments on all of these blogs in this circle, most of my comments are neither simple nor meaningful. I typically wonder around in trite verbosity for a few paragraphs, get tired of typing, and realize that probably no one will read this and if they do they will just think- damn why did I waste my time reading this... :-)
I should embrace the succinct and simple. (note too that I have just created (and am perpetuating) ANOTHER comment that is way too long!!
epic fail.
Much (more tired...its 3AM for me) love,
Steve
You are such an amazing, talented, and strong guy. All of only 15 years too! I'm very happy to hear that you're happier. And the metaphor about the baby bird is absolutely great.
Have fun with writing again!
dude im excited for ur story :)
and im super happy that u are doing better. i really miss talking to you :(
Landyn <3
I can imagine small town youths have it harder than city youths when it comes to understanding sexuality and accepting it. Hope you're feeling better. When I came out some 7-8 years ago I took the attitude that I don't need shit from anyone and if my friends cannot handle me after they knew who I really was then too bad for them :)
"Care about me, pray for me, wish me luck and worry about me, but don't fear for me...."
you make it too easy. :) it is easy to care, easy to pray, easy to wish you luck, and yes, easy to not fear. and so, you have it from me.
re: OC -- it's not necessarily for emergencies is it? sometimes figuring things out goes faster if you're able to talk to a wise person.
aron
You can set your blog options so that you have to "moderate" or approve comments before they post - that way you can filter out the wacko and pointless "anonymous" ones.
But you get so many comments, it might quickly become annoying to have to moderate them all.
:)
Well, it seems you no longer feel in physical danger. That's great. And if you haven't told your Mum about it all, it makes it easier to put it off. But I still think it will be better if she hears how it all happened from you before she hears from somebody else and you've got to try to clear up any false assumptions she jumps to about what you did and did not do to let the proverbial cat out of the metaphorical bag.
Hi mirrorboy,
first of all - I'm a 16 year old German highschool student and I do really enjoy reading your blog. I know what you are going through right now because I have been going through such problems as well, especially concerning my sexuality and my family.
"Like a baby bird i was pushed from the nest, and i suddenly had to learn how to fly. The wind was pushing me down, but i held my head high, and from now on the wind will brush off my back and i will lift ever higher."
This is like what I always told myself - in another symbolism, but almost same intention:
At first, we are all flowers and usually growing well inside of the warm and safe greenhouse.
Somehow, a few of these flowers have been lost outside, in the garden. It's cold and rough. Those flowers have to develop strong roots in the ground for being able to be in full bloom, later. But eventually, the flowers in the greenhouse are planted in the garden, as well.So finally, they do also have to cope with the dangers of real nature ,which is hard for them. Their roots are weak and their blades are flimsy because they never needed strong one's.
Merely the flowers that have been growing in the garden for their whole life don't have to cope with these problems, now, because they are sheltered by their strong structure. These do now enjoy their bloom unfettered by any exterial disturbances.
Best wishes,
Kohoutek
I'm really glad that you are feeling better!!! I will keep you in my thoughts. And hey, what if OC is a lesbian? Wouldn't that be a trip!! lol
Jacob
nice to see how you doing good, i once walked out my class, one of the best feelings, and what i is a oc
Mirror,
Wow! this has been a roller coaster of a week huh? Glad you are gliding along OK now.
I just looked down at some of your posts. I must tell you the one on shopping with your mom brought back some great memories of mine: Shopping with my mom back in the 1940's. Those were good times. I can smell the department stores now.
(((hugs)))
Lukas
@Seth. Yeah, i don't want to enable the comment moderation, but i always can if things get out-of-hand.
@Kohoutek. That's an awesome saying thingy you've got there. :) You've also got an awesome name! ;D
And jc lol, OC is a teacher at my school.
Thanks for all the comments guys,
love,
===>mirrorboy<===
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