Monday, October 27, 2008

Good... slowly... slowly...... uh-oh SLAM WHACK CRASH this ain't good :(

Today was the day that i was shoved over the edge of the cliff of safety and into the sea of 'OUT'.

So i know that one of my friends has been telling people that i'm gay. He probably doesn't understand what the consequences of that are.


I was asked by a person (who i don't like) today if i was gay.

I didn't want to say 'yes', but i had to.

I can't just say 'no' because i know it would have led to more questions and i would have been even more uncomfortable. Everyone would have found out sooner or later.

So i said 'yes'. I was forced to.

That's it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out to everyone. They all know now.



It started today - the whispers, the rumours, the questions, the laughing.

I smile. I breathe. I answer. I try to be strong.

But why has my strength left me? At the moment (THE moment) i needed it. It has left me. And i am a lesser me.

I try to avoid them. I try to hide. I sit far away, in the corner. I walk fast. I try to be early. I try to stay near safety.

But i can't have that. I am forced to face them.

Periods where i must be alone, when there are no friends around to help me.

Places where there is no authority, and no rules.

And i have only me - shy, self-conscious, bad-speaking, shaking, scared, me.



What i would give to go back, to do it MY way and prevent this all from happening...

It may have been nice to breathe the fresh air when i stepped out of the closet, but now that air has turned icy, and i long for the warmth of my former state.



Before this... i was frustrated.

Now, i am scared.



And i face much much more tomorrow.

Many times when i must answer 'yes' and be met with a laugh.

Times when i have done nothing, and notice the looks i am getting.

And still i must push on.



It's one thing to be self-conscious, and think that people are talking and laughing...

but another thing to KNOW that they are.



I feel like crying, but there's nothing but emptiness inside of me. I have nothing to cry out. I want to throw up, but i haven't eaten. I want to hide, to disappear, but I can't. I want a cuddle, but there's no one there.

I'm just... terrified.

I can't get help, not even from my Mum, because she would kill me for even telling my friends. She knew what would happen, and she made me PROMISE not to tell ANYONE.

But now, i've told everyone...

and i don't know what to do.

20 comments:

Seth said...

Oh god, I am so worried for you, it makes me sad and angry inside.

Bullying is a horrible thing, and with the gay twist, even worse. You've already seen the rumors, the looks, the whispering. You cannot let it escalate.

I worry for your safety too. Has anything actually gotten physical? (Pushing, shoving, etc)? You can't tolerate that. I don't know how the school systems operate in Australia, discipline wise, etc. If there is even a hint of physical harm, you must seek help immediately. From a principal, school administrator or authority figure, even from a teacher. Your teacher that likes your writing?

You mention periods where you are alone, no rules, no safety. Again, I worry this is a physical thing. And a terrible thing. Here in America, despite our backward ways and the troubles we have, someone physically assaulting you is just that, an assault, and its illegal. its something to get the authorities involved in. People are afraid of the consequences of "telling" or reporting something bad. But I must tell you, of all the things that can happen, doing nothing is the worst. Because when you do nothing, the problems will only continue, and become worse over time.

You're a smart kid, and you're obviously quite able to clarify a point. Seek out someone who you can EXPLAIN to (and preferably who is tolerant/supportive). Explain to them the situation you are going through, what you are feeling, what you fear. Explain to them how difficult it is to face, educate them about how you are the same as every other person, just because you like boys more than girls, etc.

Turn to your supportive friends. Don't be afraid to ask for their help. Logically, calmly, explain to them what you are going through, and tell them you need their support, understanding, need them to back you up. True friends will stick by you and help you through this period.

I know it might be difficult and frightening, but consider dealing with the rumor head-on. You write, you're very articulate. How about an essay, an article in the school paper (if you have one)? Or, simply address your whole class, somehow. And again, provide them with knowledge and understand. Address the rumors, the falsehoods, the gossip, and clear up the issues. Be logical about it, be cool-headed. Turn the tables on the "worst" people - ask to talk with them for a minute (in a safe place) and tell them you just want to explain to them, who you are, etc.

Seek out ANY gay allies you can find right now. Is there another student in your school who is gay? Is there a gay group in your town or area? (social group, activist group, ,teen/youth group, PFLAG, anything really).

You may have to stand up for who you are, today, tomorrow, in the near future. If you don't stay strong now, it will be tougher to deal with later.

You're already "out" now, so the truth is, you have to face things in that perspective. Its terrifying, I am sure, and I feel so bad for you having to go through it. But remember, you WILL get through it, with the help of your friends, your peers, hopefully with the support of your school authorities. You're a strong kid on the inside, and never ever let anyone take that from you. Never let people put you down for being who you are.

Don't be afraid to go to your Mom for help. She might seem like she will be upset, but inside she will be worried tremendously for you, and she can offer love and support.

Sorry, its a bit late here I just caught your post on my way to bed.

My prayers for your safety, and my tears for what you are facing, but remain strong my friend.

*big hugs*

Anonymous said...

What to do? You get out of bed each morning and you look in that mirror and you decide who is in control of your life.

The "early outing" does NOT take away your control. You look them all in the eye with confidence and a kind smile and tell the truth.

You decide to be proud of yourself and your strength and you make sure they see that you are proud.

And when it all seems too much, you think about those that are watching you. Those that will find strength for themselves in you.

Pioneers gave up every comfort and risked death to seek out new worlds. They did it because they believed in something better out there, and because they believed in themselves.

Now you get your beautiful self out of bed, and you go to school and you stand up for yourself, and by doing that, you ease the way that much more for those that will someday face the same challenge!

If they sense your vulnurabilty, they will exploit that in you. If they sense your confidence, they will respect you.

You go boy! ::hug:: Tristan

Mr. HCI said...

Shit, I am already up many hours too late so I can't write much.

As Tristan said, a big part of the key is confidence.

Don't allow people to think you are ashamed to be gay.

The sad thing is so many adults in positions of authority over kids are clueless when it comes to gay issues.

I need to go to bed so I'll stop here but I'll be thinking about you so consider this a virtual hug.

Doug said...

I'm sooo sorry that it happened like this for you. I can't even imagine how traumatic it is for you right now. BUT you have to stay strong. There MUST be a teacher that you've felt especially close to that you can tell. Perhaps a guidance counselor at school. Express what you're feeling to them.

But in time, you will be fine. If high school life for you is anything like high school in the US, then kids will soon have other things to talk about and move on. Just endure these few days. You can do it!

All the best to you! ::HUGS!::

And I'm letting you know that I'm linking you ;) cuz I want to keep an eye on you to make sure you're doing ok!! ::HUGS:: again!

Landyn said...

dude.

i dont know what to say. I just got back online today, and I read all ur posts up until now.

I know that what I say will be read by you, and that you will try to take it to heart, but it will just seem hollow because I'm so far away, and I can't physically be there to comfort you.

Being the target of actions such as that is a horrible feeling and i can't imagine how I would deal with that. My thoughts/hopes/prayers and dreams are with you buddy as you go through rough times like this.

please, if I can help in any way, let me know right away. My heart aches for you-u are such a genuinely nice and kind person and I can stand to see things like this happen to you.

I love you man. Be strong and stay confident. You are truly awesome person, and if people at your school don't recognize that right now, it's because they are too busy dealing with their own insecurities.

You have a gift for writing, an awesome sense of humor, a sweet soul, and a caring personality. Those are things that will take you far in life and bring you happiness and joy - with someone that you love to share it with.

Keep your eyes on the future while getting through the rough times in the present and the sun will shine again.

Does anything I say ever make sense? haha, hopefully you can scrape together some sense of meaning from this rambling, incoherent comment.

love you man,
Landyn <3333333

Landyn said...

*can't stand to see things like this happen to you


sorry, typo

AJCon89 said...

oh buddy...

i am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. i know we talked about this and you said you werent ready... god i feel horrible for you.

and i wanna say that I know what you are going through... but i dont. yeah, i did just shoved out of the closet pushing and screaming, but its different man... you are in high school, kids are so much less mature and so much meaner. just stay strong buddy.

You really are a great person, and it sucks if people cant see that. This past weekend, you really helped me alot and I love you for that. I just wish other people could too.

I know its hard, but if they cant see what an amazing person you are, then fuck 'em (not literally... lol) They arent good enough for my mirrorboy :-P

If anyone touches or threatens you, you really need to tell someone. I know it feels like being a tattle tail, but you gotta. You cant go around getting threatened or hurt because of who you are. Its not fair to you, and its not fair to the other kids who still might be in the closet and see this happening. Tell a teacher, tell a principal, tell mom... but tell someone. Promise me you will? Please?

And if you need, I'll come down and kick their ass :)

You dont deserve this, non of us do, but its the challenge that we are faced with and I know that you are strong enough to face this and become a better person because of it.

I know it doesnt seem like it now (hell, in my case i'm still not 100% convinced - its hard you know) but this will make you a better and stronger person.

Who knows, maybe your experiences will be a source of strength for a kid at your school going through the same thing. I know it has been one for me, and for many others on here as well.

Please, just know I love you, we all love you, and want nothing but the best for you. We are all hurting a bit today after reading your post. And we are here for you. Make us proud, make yourself proud, dont let this control you or change you. You are perfect and loved.

I know you will make us all proud. Now come here and get a big cyberhug :-P

Love,
AJ

Col said...

"What to do? You get out of bed each morning and you look in that mirror and you decide who is in control of your life."
Tristan

Spot on Tristan!

Seth is right too about telling your mum, even if she gets angry with you I'll bet you'll also get a big kiss and a massive hug...just what you need.

You know that all us guys are here for you, even with the time difference there's probably somebody about to talk too.

Be strong!

Big hugs,
Col

Anonymous said...

what to do? nothing. because nothing has changed. you are still you. they are still them.

there is nothing that you have to do.

it is easy to lose perspective.

it is easy to think that every whisper every look is about you. it's not. And EVEN if it is, it doesn't matter. you know what? you're braver than 10 of them. so let them whisper.

and really you don't have to say or do anything.

you don't have to answer their questions. you don't have to say "yes" or "no" you can say nothing or just "go away" or "why, are you gay? no? good for you...[walk away]"

If you need to talk, try the local gay youth organization (almost every large town these days has a gay youth organization).

whatever you decide to do, please don't isolate yourself, because we do weird things in our minds when we are by ourselves too much. don't hole yourself up into a big ball of alone. be with your friends. ask your real life friends for support. be with them. just being with them can help. you don't have to talk if you don't want to. just be with them.

naturgesetz said...

I've skimmed the previous comments, and they look pretty good. Let me add a word about your Mum. She will find out sometime, and she probs won't be happy about it. But the truth is, you did not just decide out of a clear blue sky that it would be lovely to tell your friends. They found stuff on your computer. They were talking about it. They asked you about it. You couldn't lie about it, and they probs wouldn't have believed you if you had denied it. So it was really not your choice.

You can tell her that, and hopefully she will understand. And IMO it's better to tell her yourself before she hears from somebody else. You could start with something like, "Mum, I've got a problem." Then tell her how your friends found out, and how someone decided to spread the story even though you didn't want them to. Tell her that you didn't want it and that now you're scared.

I don't think she'll kill you. She probs wont even beat you within an inch of your life, lol. I think she'll want you to be safe.

childOFpurity said...

heyy thx 4 comment & ur reading about skool today inspired me, I wrote for you , its ok dont let the
world twist you to its will, good luck
p.s
the poem is on my blog
childOFpurity
/your only as pure as you are untainted/

Anonymous said...

I second the value of gay youth groups. Worth investigating - they are usually run by the local Health Departments in your state. In South Australia the service is called the Second Story - not sure what it is in Victoria though :)

Good luck! I feel this is just a change period - things always seem much more difficult right in the "middle" of the change. Afterwards, it will settle down.

M

Jasssoonnn said...

Hey bro. Im sorry to hear that you are being faced with this situation, however aside from clubs and the alike, this is a time in your life where you must reach into the very depths of your soul, and find every and any bit of courage and stregnth you may have inside you.

Although it was safe in the closet, emotionally, I feel from the experiences in my own life, that being out is a better place than being in.

There will always be those people that do or will not understand, but that is no different than the people that are racists. May hate black people or anyone that is not "white". We all face challenges and sometimes have to be humble when situations render such.

Now would be a good time to call on your goof friends for support. Call up the troops and find out who your true friends are. If people are willing to understand where u are coming from as far as being scared and all that, then try to make sure where u go, there are two of you or more.

This is that part in life where we learn how to deal with difficult situations and things that we knew we may have to go thru but hoped we would never.

IF THERE IS EVER EVEN A THREAT OF VIOLENCE TOWARD YOU make sure u tell someone. Even if it means u call the police or school security/police. Don't play arround with that. Some people can b really mean.

Teasing and all that should also not be tolerated. People need to really learn to be more accepting, and by u being who u r im sure u inspire someone else in your life, even if u don't know it.

Be strong, but be smart in the places at school you go, and things like that. BE VIGILANT when it comes to your saftey. Don't take shit.

Learn also however to get thicker skin and don't let shit people say fuck with you.

Cause u also never know that there may be people talking about it, maybe a group of guys and one of those guys in the group might be gay, just "undercover" lol, and hey, u never know.

I wish u the best.

<3 Jase

tom said...

sorry your sad. wish I could help. hugs, tom

Seth said...

Sorry, I might have sounded a bit pessimistic in my original comment, but I tend to think of the negatives. Lots of others wrote alot more supportive things for you, and you should take them all to heart.

Still worried - please let everyone know how everything is going !!!

(more hugs)

enzo65 said...

Hey friend,

I am praying that you will find the strength to get through these hard times, please please know there are good times ahead, though they seem so far off now. I feel so sad for you,

Be strong,

Roger

Anonymous said...

So, what's it look like in the mirror right now? oh, and don't forget to breathe.

aron

Planetx_123 said...

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said in the tons of good advice above.

You are a better man than I- when I was in highschool and a similar thing happened with a guy who had looked up to me-- I denied it. I was too scared. This doesn't help at all right now, I know.

You are clearly loved by many- my heart goes out to you.

Much Love,
Steve

Jake said...

Hey buddy,
I'm worried for you :( I hope everything will be ok. It's hard being out, especially when your peers don't respect you. But, it's my experience that these people that judge you because you are gay only do so because they are afraid of you... afraid of gay culture... afraid of whatever it is that they are unfamiliar with. I wasn't out when I was your age and I commend you for your bravery... I would give you a hug if I could...

*hug*

If there is anything that I know its that there will always be people that accept you and there will always be people that don't accept you. Try to reach out to people that give you a hard time, show them that being gay doesnt change the fact that you are still human. But, if you are being physically harassed or verbally harassed, etc... you need to get help from someone at your school, like a teacher or the prinipal. Does your mom know about whats happening at school??? I'm scared that you are being hurt :S

Be strong and know that we are all thinking about you.

Jake

James said...

Be strong, be strong.

In the future, you might learn to tell people point blank, "you don't know me well enough to ask those kinds of questions." I know it sounds canned, but it works...very well. Stops them dead in their tracks and underlines how rude and forward they're being. Cause, truth is, it's no one's business but your own.