And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

200th Post! 200 Random Facts About Me!

Okayz. First of all, congratulations to me! lol. 200 posts is a lot!

Sorry this took so long. But it was soooooooooooooo harrrrrdddddddd. It's 200 facts about me. I tried to make them all somewhat interesting, and i didn't want to have any repeats either.

I did my best and it took me a week of work and frustration. :/

Oh yeah btw, all these are true. :D

And before we get into it, i wanna thank Seth, Aek and Reilly. They were really helpful by giving me some ideas. Trev, Seb, Dan and Paul also helped too. I guess people could see that i was suffering and they took pity on me. lol

Anyway, you'd better enjoy this! *serious face*

It was a lot of work.

I hope there are no spelling mistakes...



Starting with the basics...

1. I am an only child.

2. I live with my Mum.

3. No, i never met my Dad.

4. I live on the coast of Australia in a small city.

5. I have 2 cats.

6. I turn 16 on the 22nd of May.

7. I want to be an author (preferably famous lol).

8. As a job, i would like to be a journalist.

9. I want to leave my city as soon as i can.

10. My favourite colour is pink. 2nd is red, 3rd is black.

11. My favourite TV show is 30 Rock. I also like Dexter, Lost, Mythbusters and Heroes.

12. My favourite type of music is techno.

13. I'm short-sighted so i wear glasses or contacts.

14. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

15. And yes, i lick the spoon.

Now on to less basic things. :)

16. I call my cat Tiger 'fatcat' and my cat Jemima 'fincat'. :)

17. I have one pink pillow and one green pillow, pink sheets and a green doona.

18. My Mum used to have a stalker.

19. When i was really young i wanted to be a clown... then an actor, and then a chiropractor.

20. I have to wash and wipe anything i'm go to eat off, or eat with, or drink out of... unless i'm eating out. (nothing sexual there i assure you) :P

21. I love tennis. I suck at playing.

22. I'm terribly uncoordinated and clumsy. I have trouble even using a knife and fork correctly.

23. I own a Nintendo Wii, a Nintendo Gamecube, a Nintendo 64, a Super Nintendo, and a Game Boy Advance.

24. I have 4 email addresses.

25. My least favourite music is country.

26. I don't like eating meat... but i do still eat it.

27. I've got blue eyes and brown hair.

28. My hair grows way too fast and it's too thick.

29. I hate getting haircuts.

30. I've never been on an aeroplane.

31. My family doesn't own a car, so my Grandma has to drive us places.

32. My Grandma knows i'm gay and is fine with it... but we don't talk about it.

33. My Grandma still says 'God Bless' when she says goodbye to me. She must think there's hope for me yet. ;)

34. My Grandma is Catholic.

35. When i was little i would go to church most weekends with my Grandma.

36. I would get bored at church, and make origami. lol

37. There are 91 people on my msn list, and i've deleted a lot of others. :P

38. I love rain, and storms! :D

39. My favourite celebrities are Shaun Micallef and Natalie Bassingthwaighte.

40. My favourite food is chocolate.

41. I've never been outside of my state.

42. I swear a lot. lol

43. I DESPISE bananas. They're disgusting.

44. I've got small hands and feet. (don't compare to other parts of my anatomy lol)

45. I feel uncomfortable if i'm not wearing shoes. (unless i'm in bed)

46. In fact, i feel uncomfortable if i'm not wearing a bunch of clothes, so i'm almost always in a jacket and shoes and socks (plus other stuff of course).

47. I bought my first pair of jeans when i was in Melbourne.

48. I got my first pair of sunglasses in Melbourne, cos i'd only recently gotten contacts.

49. 49 is my favourite number. :)

50. I have had 5 cats - Tiger and Jemima, Miticus (Mit), Cosmo, and Oscar.

51. Oscar never liked me, and he ran away one day. I was too young to really care. lol

52. Cosmo disappeared as well.

53. I loved Mit, but one day he just disappeared too. It broke my heart. :(

54. That's why i always freak out when my cats don't come home at night. Sometimes i will cry because i'm so worried something has happened to them, like the others.

55. I love my cats a lot. In fact i love them more than most people. lol

56. I keep my money under a trinket box on my bedside table.

57. I have 2 radios beside my bed. One acts as a radio, and the other as an alarm.

58. The furthest i've been from my city is Melbourne, and that's only about 4 hours drive away.

59. I read the Lord of the Rings books when i was about 11 or 12.

60. I've got a big family.

61. I love American sitcoms like Everybody Loves Raymond and Seinfeld.

62. I get email notification for every comment on all of my blogs, so even if you delete a comment, i have a copy in my inbox. :)

63. I wish i was shorter.

64. I love soft drink too much.

65. I say hungee for hungry, angee for angry etc. :)

66. I'm scared of heights and i freak out around spiders, and i hate blood.

67. I went on a Ferris Wheel once and i was scared as hell.

68. All the clothes my Mum buys for me are too big.

69. My cats can always tell when i'm sad and one will come and snuggle with me.

70. I have an electric blanket on my bed.

71. I've lived in 4 houses.

72. One of them was cursed or haunted or something. Bad times...

73. I punch my pillow when i'm angry.

74. I once was in a carpark and people left their car and they forgot to but the handbrake on, so their car slipped down the road and smashed into another car. And i saw it. :O

75. I think my cats are better-looking than average cats. :)

76. I sleep on my side.

77. I'm really self-conscious and i pick on myself a lot. :/

78. I've got low self-esteem.

79. My year 8 English teacher is the one who turned me on to writing and if it weren't for her i never would have written anything.

80. She was also my support at school and i could look to her for help and/or advice.

81. I found out about the gay youth group from her.

82. When i was little i would fill up balloons and rubber gloves with water.

83. I even remember taking them to the bath with me sometimes to play with. :/ lol

84. I need a tan. :P

85. I used to burn things.

86. And i would light candles and dip my fingers in hot wax. Then play with it. :)

87. And i was greatly intrigued by fireplaces.

88. I always wished i had a brother or sister.

89. Simple things can put me in a bad mood.

90. I wish i had punched a certain someone in the face.

91. It annoys me when people add me on msn and then don't say hello.

92. I'm really good at procrastination. :D

93. I spend my money on games. :P

94. I talk to myself.

95. I've got bad circulation and my hands and feet get cold easy.

96. I usually wake up in the morning with really cold feet. :/

97. I invented a word for cute animals - 'pugee', pronounced pai-gee.

98. My favourite band was the Rogue Traders... before they split.

99. My eyes twitch when i'm nervous.

100! I've thought about closing my blog down recently.

101. Several of my school friends were 'okay' with me to my face, but harboured some pretty strong hatred for gays.

102. Smoking turns me off.

103. I don't like drinking or drugs.

104. All 3 exist in my family.

105. I was outed on 2 separate occasions, both by accident.

106. My cat gives me nose kisses. :)

107. I've never done anything remotely sexual with anyone.

108. If i could have a superpower it would be the power to turn back time.

109. I don't have a 'type' of boy that i like. I don't have any preferences.

110. The last movie i saw at the cinema was the latest Narnia one.

111. I like coffee-flavoured things but i don't like actual coffee.

112. I feel good when i see gay characters on tv... unless they're evil or dying or something. :/ lol

113. I have pages full of notes about my story scattered around my computer desk.

114. I cry easily when people die in tv shows.

115. I'm an early riser... well i try to be.

I'm stuck already. :(

116. The first thing i do after i've gotten up is feed the cats.

117. I comfort eat.

118. Posters cover one wall of my bedroom.

119. I've got a double-bed. Wanna share? ;D

120. I've had the same digital watch for years.

121. The last game i bought was Metroid Prime for the Wii.

122. My favourite author is Eoin Colfer.

123. When i was little i would always have to sleep facing left, or i would have nightmares.

124. There are 444 songs on my iPod.

125. I go through about 5 boxes of tissues a week. :P

126. I don't like multiples of 5.

127. When i was younger i would always sip from drinks in multiples of 4.

128. My cat knocks on doors when he wants to come in.

129. I'm the one who has to set up stuff like DVD players and TVs in my house.

130. My family spends Christmas at my Grandma's house.

131. One of my cousins has had a baby.

132. I grow lettuce in my backyard.

133. My favourite drink is Schweppes lemonade. *orgasm* lol

134. I really like longer hair. :)

135. My favourite ice-cream is coffee. :P

136. The walls in my house are cream (colour). lol

137. I like video game music, like kirby. :)

138. I don't like facial hair.

139. I use smilies a lot. :D

140. I don't believe in religion but i do believe in an afterlife.

This is soooooooooo harrrrdd.

141. The only bone i've broken was my little finger... at mini-golf. -_-

142. I once had an allergic reaction to medicine and ended up in the casualty ward at a hospital.

143. My feet have high arches. :(

144. My favourite game series is Paper Mario.

145. Oh, i've got a gay cousin. :P

146. Between Mario and Luigi, i choose Luigi.

147. I've been caught wanking... more than once too. lol

148. I like eating plain pasta.

149. My favourite subject is English.

150. My weapon of choice is a bow. :)

151. Music cheers me up... unless it's sad music. lol

152. I've never drank alcohol or smoked.

153. My favourite day of the week is Friday. :D

154. I'm a Rooster and a Gemini.

155. My Mum used to read Enid Blyton books to me as a kid.

156. I like plastic cutlery. :P

157. My favourite fast food is La Porchetta's. (pizza) :)

158. I can make an origami lily from memory.

159. I've never kissed a guy.

160. My Mum has really long hair that goes past her waist.

161. My favourite time of day is nighttime.

162. I haven't had chickenpox.

163. My favourite vegetable is cauliflower.

164. I don't like big dogs.

165. I am obviously a cat person. :)

166. I still have weird dreams most nights.

167. I like pizza with sauce, ham, cheese and olives. :)

168. I have said 'lol' in real life.

169. And sometimes i feel compulsed to use smilies while writing. :O

170. I probably won't get piercings, and i definitely don't want a tattoo. ouch

171. I wear my watch on my right hand, and i'm right handed.

172. The first thing i wash in the shower is my hair.

173. I'm allergic to really sour things.

174. I eat cereal for breakfast OMG.

175. The clock on my bedside table is 6-7 minutes fast.

176. I slept in a tent at camp once, and in the morning a huge spider was in my bag. I scrambled out and couldn't enter the tent again for half an hour.

177. I like showers more than baths.

178. I know a little French.

179. My favourite accent is Spanish. :)

180. I like Winter more than Summer.

181. My favourite smiley is Tongue Smiley. :P

182. Improper grammar annoys me. :P

183. I can't help correcting people when they make writing mistakes. :)

184. I wrap my legs around things when i'm in bed.

185. I haven't had a wet dream. :O

186. My cats follow me when i go outside.

187. My cat Tiger is snuggled in the chair next to me while i type this.

188. I have 2 middle names.

189. I like Futurama more than The Simpsons.

190. My next story's working title is Hope Hurts.

Here are some pervy ones for you then. ;)

191. I've tasted it, and it's gross. :P

192. Trimmed.

193. Almost 6 inches. lol

194. Uncut.

195. Briefs.

196. Bottom.

197. About 3 times a day. ;)

198. I've done it in every room of my house. :D

Almost done!

199. I really love comments. They are mini-orgasms.

200. I still want a boyfriend more than anything.

Phew.

I'd better get loads of comments on this, bitches. lol

An Interview With Me.

From Col's Blog.

Figured i'd post this on my own blog so i can link to it.

What he wrote is in black or purple and my answers are blue.

:)

- - -

I'm sure Mirrorboy needs no introduction to most of you, but for those that don't read his blog: Mirrorboy's Blog, he's a 15 year old gay guy from Australia. He has a great sense of humour, a wonderfully creative mind and a very strong character. Oh, and he loves his cats too!

If you don't already read his blog (see link above), please go visit him... you won't be disappointed!

The questions...

How old are you and what do you do?
I'm 15 years old, a student at highschool, and wannabe author.

Are you planning to go to college to study journalism?
I still haven't thought that far ahead. I'm a bit useless when it comes to Uni and stuff.

Your readers will already know of the novel you're creating: "Universes". How are things progressing with that lately?
I'm around 183,000 words. Just finished a chapter, so i'm now planning the next one before i dive into and get stuck as per usual. lol. And i'm up to a really tough bit in it cos i'm following a storyline which doesn't include my main characters. Ya know, i make it up as i go along, and the downside of that is sometimes i work myself into a hole.
Hehe.

So, you live in Victoria, Australia?
I sure do.

We'll talk more about location later, so in the meantime... are you Gay, Bisexual or Confused?
Lol. I am gay

And apart from your creative writing, what other hobbies, interests or pastimes do you have?
Hmm... I like playing games. I would kick anyone's ass at the Wii. :P
Other than that, another hobby of mine is blogging heheh, and other internet stuff ;)
Lol.

What about likes and dislikes, loves and hates? Anything at all from foods to people and religion.
Well that's a hard question...
Which requires an answer lol.
Right... I love English, and boys. I hate... haters. Hate is a strong word. So, i only really 'hate' haters.
That's all you wish to say then?
I don't know, your questions are so broad lol. I need direction!
Erm... do you like school, where you live, pizza, religion, animals etc?
I hate my school and where i live. Now that's a good way to use 'hate'.
Lol.

Who do you fancy/have a crush on at the moment... real, celeb, or cyber?
Lol. I can't just post that on the internet for everyone to see! That's personal lol, i do think Rafael Nadal is hot tho.
Yeah, but we all know about that one lol. Anybody else?
Ummz... depends if porn stars count. XD
Yeah!
Hahaha.
Surely there must be somebody!
Yah, im tryin to think...hmm that's hard. Mitch Hewer's hot ;) but every gay loves him.

What kind of boys do you like?
All boys.
Any particular look that really does it for you?
Lol. Well there are a few that i go for i guess - typical blonde twinks, and long-haired emos. I guess guys with nice hair are what i like, i dunno why though.
Do you have a hair fetish?
I wouldn't call it a fetish. It's just a 'thing', i would say. heheh.
So Emo's... what is about them... the hair, the clothes, the piercings etc?They have piercings right?
Hahahaha, some of them. It's hard to say why... maybe it's the hair.
Lol. So boys again... tall, short, skinny, podgy, smooth, hairy, white, asian....?
Dude, i like all boys. Seriously! I can be attracted to all types. What matters most of all is what's on the inside... corny, but it's true!

So, favourite food?
Chocolate :)

Fave style of music?
Techno, trance, ambient sort of stuff.
All time fave song?
That's always changing haha. For now... it's www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/112372 but it will be different in a few days XD.
Lol.

All time fave book, and fave author (you and yours is not included lol)?
Lord of the Ringses were pretty epic, but i like Eoin Colfer's books the most. Every parent should read their kids Enid Blyton's stories too.

Fave two pieces of clothing?
Lol. I like my cargo shorts/pants... that's it lol.
Oh, ok lol

People who have inspired you?
Mrs. Oc made me want to be an author! I'm so glad i had her as a teacher. She gave me a purpose in life for the first time and i will always remember her for that.

I know you haven't really thought about college/uni, but do you think you will go there as an "out" gay man. Or, is it too early to tell yet?
I would need to have a look around once i got there before i would decide... test the waters, if you will.
That's a fair answer.
Damn right it is, bitch! lol.
Lol. You cheeky little pup!

What are your dreams, aspirations and goals for your future?
Find someone who loves me. That's the big one! Other than that, write some good stuff and get it published. I would love it if Universes was successful. Most immediate goal though, is to escape this crippling little city of mine and head to Melbourne ASAP.
Ok, we'll talk about that later but I'm glad you mentioned the word "successful" there. I've no doubt you will be!
*blushes*

So why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Cos i like it when people ask me questions. haha.
Do you not hope that it may help others?
Of course.

You're an inspiration to many people, young and old(er), how do you feel about that? Any pressure?
I honestly don't think about being an inspiration, i just go about my business, and if that helps people in any small way, then that's fuckin awesome :)
But yes, there is a certain pressure that comes with where i am now. It becomes harder to give each person some individual time, because every few days i meet someone new.
I'm sure that you do, and I'm also sure that each one of those people appreciate the time you give them... including me.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it's totally out of our control.

Ok, when did you realise that you were gay?
Only a couple of years ago.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it, but it took me a lot of struggling and time. I guess between the time of one realising they're gay, and accepting it, they have to admit that it's beyond their control...
Very good point!

Who are you “out” to?
I'm 'out' to 3 family members, and everyone at school. Well i was outed!
When i was outed to my Mum, it wasn't as bad as i expected, so i'm glad she found out.
I was NOT, however, ready to be outed at school, so that was hard beyond belief to deal with, and still is.

For any readers who don't know the story of your "outing" can you give a brief description of what happened?
Gay Porn heheh. The word spread, and soon everybody knew.
Who found the porn?
One of my nosy 'friends'.
Is he still a friend. lol?
I think.

What reactions did you receive?
A lot of negative ones. A few positive. A few weird lol. But kids like the ones in my school can be a bit... mean.

Overall, are you now glad it‘s happened?
I honestly don't know. I mean, i can be myself, but at a large cost.
What cost is that?
Insults, people shouting things at me, teasing, jokes at my expense etc.
It's hard.

So, the next question...What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I worry that the sort of life i live now (one of being teased and laughed at) is one i will have to live in the future. Other than that, i don't worry about much else. I hope that once i get to the big city, people will be more accepting of who i am, and i will have more support.
What about your rights as a gay man, or having children etc?
I'm 15. I don't need to worry about rights yet, lol.
Children - i don't really mind what happens :) If my partner wants, or has children, i will probably be a proud parent heheh.
Lol.

And how have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
My strategy for last year was to ignore it. I tried changing that this year but i quickly reverted to that strategy and it doesn't seem to be going too well for me. lol
Do you think that's the best way, for you at least, to deal with it?
Probably not but i can't manage to change it. The best i can do right now is look for support to help deal with it, even if only on the inside. My self-confidence is a work in progress too. I'm doing my best to be more confident in my physical presence (by doing things like getting contacts and losing weight etc).
That's great, doing what you are doing. Anything that helps you is a step forward, and your answer brings me to my next question...

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
My biggest support was my teacher, Mrs OC. I can talk to her about what i'm going through, and she is helping me the best she can. She also told me about the gay youth group in my city, which i've been to a few times. Unfortunately, Mrs. OC is on long-service leave this year, so i've been without her for a while.

What about other forms of support, like the internet, groups/forums. Or, your blog and on-line friends?
Oh yeah! I don't know what i'd do without my online support. It means the world to me, seriously. It's just beyond words. I can't describe it.

I know that people lean on you, but are there any people on-line that you can lean on?(I mean people you can really talk to.)
Yes. A couple who i really trust.
That's good, you need that trust.

I know you've visited the Gay Youth Group, but do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
Not really. But i guess i can't expect that much from my small city.
Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Haha. Well im already out, so people seeing me enter isnt a problem. But yes, i would look into them.

And how do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Heaps! It's given people in remote places a way to find support, just like it did for me. Not to mention how it helps some people to accept themselves more, and all that icky stuff to do with teen suicide. It gives people support, and that's what gays and bi's need.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
It wouldn't have been easy, to say the least. I can imagine it would have been scary for a lot of people. I guess there would have been a lot of horny guys back then too *jokes* hehe.
Lol. Good one!
*high fives all round*

If you had grown up through those times, what do you think your life would be like now?
I'd be sad i guess... sad that life had been so hard, and that i'd missed out on a lot of things by not having any support.

Ok, now I know we've talked a little about resources, but what do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet...?
Hehe, is that a question or a statement?
Does the internet count? Cos it seems like a pretty obvious answer lol.
Yeah, it counts but what about other gay people, family, or yourself even?
Well the internet brings you closer to other gay people. People need to have support, and the internet can give everyone support... so that's my answer :)
That's fine. There is no right or wrong answer lol.
And also, the internet helps one to become a stronger person.
How?
By giving them support and advice, and help etc. Thus making one stronger, and improving other aspects of life. And, one can accept themself more... and then with more confidence, they will venture out in search of even more support... if ya know what i mean?
Yes, I do. And can all that be said for you then?
Yes.
Good.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Sure do!
Because of reasons you've given earlier on, or are there other reasons too?
I can say what i think and feel without worrying about people knowing who i am. I don't have to worry about reactions or something... i can't explain it any better lol.
That's fine. lol.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Hmm... well i don't really think about it. It doesn't really fuss me what happens. I'm not against it or anything, just, whatever happens, happens, and it's cool.
Ok, but let's say for a moment you did want to... would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't go into a fake straight relationship. I just think that doing that willingly just to get a child, is cruel and selfish. If i wanted to, i would adopt.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene?
I never met my Dad. Mum's story was that he just 'ran away' before i was born, and we never spoke about it since.
How difficult has it been for you... not having a Father while growing up?
Hmm... It's hard to tell. I don't really have much to compare it to. It just became the norm for me, ya know?
Yes
lol

Have you ever felt jealousy towards your friends who have Fathers and "do stuff" with them?
Lol. Well of course, when i was much younger.

Do you think that not having your Father, or a male role model in your life has had an influence on your sexuality?
Nope.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My older cousin is.
Has he been able to help or support you in the past, if you've asked him that is?
I haven't asked, but i know he would if i did ask.
Do you get along with him ok then?
Yeah i guess, but we don't see each other much, or know each other that well.

So, drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Reach out! Take that first step and you will never look back. My first step was typing a nervous first entry into my blog, and look where that got me! Now i'm someone who people can turn to and lean on for support... hey that's funny :)
I started this blog looking for support, and now i've become support for other people.
*feels fuzzy inside* lol
Bless :)
:)

So… based on your life to date as a gay teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would be gay, cos being gay is what i do best. Sexuality is such a big part of my life now, if i weren't gay, i wouldn't be me... and i love boys lol... I want one!
Lol.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Yes. I would live in a big city like Melbourne, because where i am now is full of small-minded and immature people.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would live in the future cos i want to see robots and lasers and crap lol. But seriously, people would be more accepting in the future, so i wish i could live then. But i guess the 21st century is okay. It could be worse.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
O God... Mum's not perfect but she does her best. I won't say anything else.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Yes! I grew up lonely, and always wished i had a brother or sister to play with.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Lol. Lots. Probably due to my image issues... self-confidence etc. I could write you a list :)
Go on then!
Ugh... nose, lips, eyelids, eyebrows, hair, skin, chin and jaw, teeth, ears too!
I thought I was bad lol.
:)
So what do you think is wrong with those?
Nose too big, lips too dry, eyebrows too thick, skin not clear enough, hair too weird and doesn't sit right, eyelids are a little wrinkly or something, my chin is too big, and teeth aren't that good either. Good?
Fab lol, thanks!

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol now you've got me started... pretty much everything, again! You want more detail, again?
Oh yes!
Ugh... hips are too wide, feet are like triangles but with huge arches, hands are too small and a bit boney, and everything else just looks weird or out of proportion... i'm a wreck lol.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Shyness and my physical issues, and maybe a couple of my OCD things lol.
Anything else?
Lol. Dont think so... i like my brain lol, and im glad i have the English skills i do.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Confidence and some sort of sporting ability lol.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes i think so... i see people who are sad and lonely and i just think; i'm sure there's a way out!Everybody has the potential to be happy... EVERYBODY... but they need to stop sabotaging their own freakin lives and make an effort.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Aren't they?
Lol. I say yes, others disagree!
Well if you type 'synonyms for choice' into Google, im sure decision would come up lol... in fact i will!
Lol.
Heheh. 'Synonyms: alternative, appraisal, choosing, cull, cup of tea*, decision...' found it, i was right lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the answers above... what do you think your life would be like at this moment in time?
I can assume i would be happy. I think i had fair answers, considering i kept my personality which is what matters most. Other things would only help me to be happier.
And confidence would play a big part in that?
Yes.

I don't know what to do anymore...

I've been denying all my online friends the explanation behind my strange mood recently. I guess it's time to spill. I need to spill because everything inside me is slowly killing me.



I guess we start with what the effects of me coming out were...

Well, what were once friendships, quickly turned awkward. After a while, that turned into what i thought was acceptance, but eventually that turned into everyday crude jokes at my expense, and more recently as you've probably figured out if you actually read my blog, a little bit of cyber abuse.

They said they didn't care but my friends will never see me in the same light again.



I was once the kid at school that a lot of people didn't like for no reason in particular. Of course now, they have a reason. I am now the kid that people hate because he is gay - an excuse to single me out.

The honest truth is, that at my school, anybody who is even slightly different is singled-out and made fun of. I'm the GAY ONE.

Being 'out' has caused me countless terrible sleepless nights. I feel like every little snide comment and rumour and laugh and joke is just entering my head and getting trapped and it just builds up and up and up without ever releasing any of the growing pressure and it just escalates and gets worse all the time and i get more stressed and worried and i feel that it's just going to keep building up without an escape and eventually my head is just going to fucking explode and i'm going to collapse into a broken little mess.

...As proud as i am of being gay... recently i've just been wishing that i didn't have to go through this. Being gay is just too hard and i've got so much other stuff to deal with like school subjects and our money situation (which just got 10 times worse with my booklist arriving), getting a job and making 'friends'... I don't even know who i am anymore. Why do i have to have this filling up my already cluttered head? Why can't it just go away and not be any trouble? I don't want to be this any more.

...And yet, the cold truth is that not only will i always be gay, but i will never be allowed back into the closet at school... And what i would give to be back in there now - warm and sheltered from what i'm going through at the moment. I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a shield that used to protect me. It kept me safe from the harsh world that i don't think i'm ready to deal with.

I've come a long way, yes, but the path i'm on has no end. If i keep following this path eventually my legs will give way and i'll just collapse spectacularly and not be able to get back up again...



I'm trying my best to make sense of what's going on inside my crazy head, because i don't know and i have no idea what to do.

I'm just a bit of everything - worried, fed-up, tired, scared, sad... but mostly, stressed, confused and angry.

I'm worried about my blog, fed-up with the routine, tired of all the work, scared of what i continually receive at school, sad about so many things, stressed about school, confused about where to go and what to do from here, and above all else... angry at myself. And that's where i think my problems all start. I've continually fucked myself up my whole life.



Let's get serious.

I have hated myself since i can remember. I hate 99% of everything to do with me. Ask me to name the good things about me, and after my writing (which i still find ways to pick on myself about), my desire to be nice to everyone, and my sense of humour which helps other people feel better... I get stuck and that's the honest truth.

Oh fuck... I don't even know where this post is going... This is just what's in my head and it doesn't even make sense to me.



School is killing me. This dead-end town is killing me, and ultimately i will bring about my own downfall through my own fucking stupidity. Don't believe me?



It all started with that gay crap on my USB which was how i was 'outed'. It takes a pretty stupid idiot to be so stupid as to put that on there. I'm so stupid i can't believe it sometimes.

And then, oh yes, i used the same email address for this blog that was already my personal one.

I originally set my blog to show up on search engines. Now anyone can find me by typing in my email address. Major fuck-up.



And of course, why did i share so much personal stuff on here?

I'll tell you why! Because here i was 'Mirrorboy' and not 'Dusty'!

I was anonymous here, and yet i become less anonymous every day. Before we know it i may have brought about my first and only safe haven's demise through yet again, my own stupidity.



I have no idea how much longer Mirrorboy has left. Any day from now, i may decide to kill him before he fucks up Dusty's life even more.

Mirrorboy only lives in the blogosphere and he would never survive in the real world. Dusty has to live in the real world. Dusty has learnt to hide his soul and true feelings and yet Mirrorboy has been doing the opposite ever since he was created. The 2 cannot become 1.

In real life Mirrorboy must forever hide inside me. If he starts to come out, then i need to kill him before he does any damage. I do love him dearly and it would utterly break my heart to get rid of him but there would be no other choice... because Mirrorboy is my true self.

Yet my true self cannot exist in the real world.



I've shot myself in the foot every time i've aimed for something higher my whole life.

I am the reason my life is awful. My self-hatred has ruled me my entire life. I mean wtf? Am i subconsciously sabotaging my own life because that seems to be the only situation that makes sense because nobody can be that fucking stupid.

Even THIS POST will fuck me up even more because people who know me personally will be reading this, and it's times like that that i wish i could go back to 'Mirrorboy' anonymously... and never have Dusty and Mirrorboy cross paths away from my computer.

Jut like i wish i could go back to being in the closet.

Just like i wish i could undo all those major fuck-ups that have ruined my life so far.



Every day just gets harder to cope with. And i'm 15! For fuck sake! I'm just a kid and i don't want this shit in my head.

Reality bites and anonymity is bliss, but i've got the worst of both worlds. Living my life is destroying my soul little-by-little. I can never smile and mean it any more. When i'm talking to my online friends who are genuinely good people, as long as my mind is not on 'me' then i can forget all my troubles briefly and be happy.

But in the end, i go back to Dusty, every day, and every night. I will always be Dusty and that scares the crap out of me because that's the last thing i want.



That's my life right now - getting worse all the time. To those who don't care, you shouldn't be reading in the first place... To all the others, well, i don't mean to burden you. Sometimes i feel i don't deserve your love. That's why i just feel so empty inside, underneath all of the stress. I feel like none of you would ever love Dusty as much as you love Mirrorboy. I know Dusty best, and i hate myself.



So where does my life go now? What does a twisted kid like me do? What am i in for? What does my future hold?

Most probably, more sadness and stress, more confusion and anger and abuse, and more hating myself.



And that's it. I've bared my soul for perhaps the last time. It felt good to be honest because yet again i've put myself out there for you to ponder over, at my own risk.

But this could just be the cliffhanger to a story that will never be continued.

===><===





And no doubt i'll regret posting this...

Another week off to a GREAT start.

Hey everybody. Sorry i missed yesterday. I lost track of time.


Today was pretty crap.

For no reason i can think of, i was sore all over. My leg hurt when i walked, my back hurt when i sat down, my hand hurt when i wrote.

Also that boy that i got suspended came up to my face, shook my hand hard and in a really snide tone said "thanks for getting me suspended, mate!"

He's pretty much the most intimidating person you could ever meet...


My Journalism interview is due tomorrow. I taked to my Journalism teacher about it not being suitable for playing in front of the whole class because of how personal it got, so she's just going to listen to it herself and mark it...

I still have another 20-30 mins of scratchy tape to try to get down though. And then i have to write the Feature Article about it... Fuck...

That's what procrastination gets you.


Regarding my last post, i was actually told that i sounded like a 'runny nose spoilt little bitch'...

Well, that's how i felt at the time. Believe it or not, my Mum and i get along most of the time, but when i was writing that, she was really fucking pissing me off, so that's the reason for my post. I had been dealing with such a hard time recently, i just needed to vent a little.

*sighs... Mini-rant over...



After school today, i went down to our Youth Centre and enquired about that group of people who meet up the street once a week. I gave my name and phone number to the lady behind the desk, so i'm expecting a call from the woman who runs it sometime this week.

Hope it turns out well...


I also ran into my old cute Asian friend from Primary School... He has cool thick black hair now and he's damn cute...

Unfortunately... he's not gay. :P

I did take the opportunity to come out to him when he asked why i was up the street. I don't think he really cared though.


Isn't it funny how easy it is to come out now? It was such a quick spur-of-the-moment thing.


Speaking of coming out, my Mum said to me on Sunday that she'd told my Grandmother i'm gay.

Hmm... I'm kind of angry that she didn't even ask my permission. O_O


She said that Nan took it fairly well...

Knowing my Nan, she was probably in shock. She's quite religious - a churchgoer, with pictures of God and Jesus hanging around her house. She also always says 'God bless' when you're saying goodbye.

It will be interesting to see if i keep hearing that now...

She probably thinks i'm going to Hell. :P


Anyways, i'm just kind of sad right now. Life is so frustrating and the holidays are only crawling towards me.

11th of December and i will finally be free of school.

I won't have to put up with my daily shit anymore...


Wish me luck... in everything really...

loves,
===>mirrorboy<===

I'm still in hell... but my view of the world has changed.

What happened today?


Well, i haven't been bashed yet. That's a plus. Of course, 'that boy' hasn't been back at school yet... because i got him suspended... so i get the feeling that i'm in the eye of the hurricane and coming out the other side is going to be fucking rough.

I still get immature comments and insults thrown my way. Fucking lame...

I definitely feel very uncomfortable at school. I can't shake that, for obvious reasons. I know there are people here that hate me and i can't do much about it.


What else happened today? I did my Journalism interview with Mrs OC.

Mrs OC is of course my favourite teacher - the one that changed my life and made me want to be a writer, the one that pushes me to do my best and believes in me, and the one that swears!

So we went into the auditorium and went into the dark little kitchen there.

I checked my tape-recorder thingy, and we talked for a couple of minutes.

Then i started the interview. I asked questions from my list, about her life as a child, school, what she wanted to be, who she admired, stuff like that...

It was really interesting to learn so much about her... I think that it was because we are quite close and feel relaxed around each other. It got so personal that i think i should tell my Journalism teacher that it might not be suitable for playing in front of the class (it gets into how she's only still with her husband for their kids). O_O

She shared some personal things with me...

I felt it was the right time to tell her about some of my hard times. And yes, the tape-recorder was OFF.

I told her everything - About me being gay, that my friends found stuff on my USB ("You stupid boy!!" she said), that i was outed at school and that i'm going through a lot of crap from kids. She responded well, so i kept going...

I told her that i write a blog about myself, through which i've met some amazing and caring people. I told her about a few examples of my friends, and that made her smile.

I said that i go home to this wonderful community, and she thinks that's just great. I could see her just brimming with happiness for me.

We talked about all the stuff a lot. She shared some of her experiences with gay people, from a young man with cancer, to some kids who used to go to the school.

She says that our town is a nice place, but we have such small-minded people here and such little diversity... but one day i will leave this place and go to university in a big city like Melbourne, and she says that i will find my group of people and i will just feel like i belong.

I HAVE to leave this place behind. I have to go and find my place in the world. Staying in this town will crush me.

She says i've only got three years left. One day i will leave, and i will make my own way in life, and what happened here won't matter.

It's true.

She really helped me put things into perspective.

Life may be absolute shit now, and it's gonna get worse, but one day it will be gone.

I have a whole life ahead, and it will be a FUCKING GOOD ONE.

Like she said herself...

Life will be awful at times, but there will be intense moments of absolute joy.



I left that room a different person.



There is one more thing though...

There was a boy at school, who is gone now, but when he was here he was openly gay.

He's part of a tiny community in my town of same-sex-attracted people who meet up on Mondays at 4 o'clock at a place up the street.

After the interview, i think Mrs OC gave him a call.

During period 5, she came to my class and gave me a note, saying that i should give him a call because he's good to talk to and he could take me to this thingy.

I'm kind of nervous. I think i'll call him on the weekend and see what it's about though. It could be interesting.



So after today, i'm a little bit stronger, but i am still scared.

We'll just have to see how things pan out, because i know that in the next few days, things are either gonna turn out okay, or come crashing down.

If they do come crashing down though, i know who i'm going to talk to - my favourite teacher who just got even better.



Wish me luck,

love to us all,

===>mirrorboy<===



And thanks for all your support on the last post, and for the emails you sent me. It made me feel so much better.

The end of long week.

Oh thank God it's finally the weekend! I can finally relax after such a big week where i was so stressed. :)


So, today was interesting. I actually went and had a cool chat to OC (for those of you who don't know, she is a teacher at my school) with Matthew at lunchtime, although i didn't mention my sexuality. I needed to interview someone for my Journalism class and i wanted to ask her to be my interviewee. She said she might be too boring though.

Although she said if i just wanted a mark so i could pass, she would do it for me. She said she would do anything for me. She said she has great respect for me. She said i could do it when i had a free period, even if she had a class, she would just get someone to cover for her.

Wow, i mean... wow... She is just, AWESOME.

And even awesomer is the way she's just so honest, and the way she swears! Somehow we got to her riding a motorbike, and she said it's 'fucking amazing'.

Seriously, i adore her. She's the best teacher in the world, i just wish i actually had her as a teacher this year. :P


As the bell went to signal the end of lunch, we just stayed there and kept talking because she didn't have a class. :D

Halfway through the period, she said she'd better let us go. She asked us if we wanted to go back to class, and we half-laughed, half-said no. ;)

I only had French. :P

So she said we could just go do whatever we wanted, as long as we didn't do anything naughty. She said she'd get our names ticked off the roll. :)

Again, awesome.


Matthew had to go talk to our form coordinator about a problem he was having, so i tagged along. We went in and talked to him for about 10 minutes, but before we left, i said i was having a bit of an issue at school as well...

And then i told him. I told him that a bunch of the kids had found out that i was gay, and a few of them thought it was their business.

We had a quick chat, which involved him telling us that one of his friends came out at the end of college, and some people he knew couldn't deal with that. He said he didn't care about his friend's sexuality at all, and those that did, it was their problem.

He asked if there was anything he and the teachers could do, or if i just wanted them to be aware. I said just being aware of what was happening was enough.

He said that if anything happens, to go and let the teachers know, and i will.


We still had 15 minutes left before the end of the period and he asked us if we wanted to go back to class. We said 'nah' so he said we could just go to the library and hang out until the bell, and we did just that. :)

Wow, i never knew teachers were that cool! lol ;)


Yup, a pretty interesting day.

I know that if things start to go bad (well, worse than now), i can talk to my coordinator.

If things get really bad, i can talk to OC, who i know cares about me and will help me.


People are still asking me whether i'm gay or not, so i can only assume that a lot of people still don't know... so the worst is yet to come, but when it does, i should be okay.


thanks, love,

===>mirrorboy<===


PS. i've got a lot of linkers over there now, as well as a few other linkers i'm aware of but haven't put up yet. When i get time i'm going to split the list into two, one of my absolute favourites, and one of my other friendly linkers, just so we don't have one massive list. :)

Just so i don't miss you, if you link to me and you're not in my links, it might be a good idea to leave a comment. I don't want to leave anyone out.

How sweet and considerate of me... ;D

The minority's problem, and how stupid are they?

Yes, i've had to develop a thick skin quickly, and i think i've done quite well to be honest.

Like a baby bird i was pushed from the nest, and i suddenly had to learn how to fly. The wind was pushing me down, but i held my head high, and from now on the wind will brush off my back and i will lift ever higher.

Lol let's hope so. ;)


I apologize for my 'suicidal' post down there, but i do like to wallow in my own pity (don't we all?)

Anyways, i do feel like i'm in a better mood than before, and already i feel stronger, so don't worry about me and my knives - i don't think we actually have any sharp enough ones anyway. :P


At school, i haven't actually talked to OC yet. I didn't feel the immediate need to today, but i like to know that if things do get bad, i have options. I've decided that if things get too much in a classroom, i'm just going to walk out (it hasn't gotten near that stage yet though). I'm not going to put up with crap.

If i'm having a bad day i'll just go up to the office and ask to talk to OC, and i know she will help me. I actually had a dream about her last night, in which i told her about my sexuality, and then she told me that she was a lesbian! Hahaha i don't think that's gonna happen though. :P


I've got lots of emails to respond to, and i'll try to get around to that soon. You took the time to send me one (sometimes more than one) when i was sad and the least i can do is say thanks. :)

Speaking of which, a big THANK YOU to all the sweeties who left supportive comments on the blog and sent emails and private messages and such... I did actually read all of them and i think that your love and support is a big part in me getting through this, so thank you!!

I will do my best to make all of you (and myself) proud of me.


Oh, and as for those stupid comments from 'anonymous', just don't respond to them. I don't know what that dickhead is trying to accomplish... cos after what i've gone through recently, no words on a screen from some loser are going to affect me. Any more and i'll just delete them. :)


Anyways,

I started working on my story again, which i hadn't been able to in the past week or so due to the way i was feeling. I think that writing is the best therapy of all for me. Writing is my life, which you all know, so when i'm doing something good with my words it helps me to feel better.

Unfortunately i'm finally up to the war in my story which i've been building up to for 170,000 words, and i SUCK big-time at writing wars! I can really only write small skirmishes and duels, so this is really going to test my skills...

Also, the recent chapters have been hard because i'm missing two of my main characters (one of whom is my favourite, and a joy to write for because he is just so troubled) Coltrane and Klax, who were thrown into the enemy prison. Coltrane was the traitor to his people, and although he was doing bad things (and committed some awful crimes) it was an absolute delight to play around with him because he had such amazing storylines.

When they finally escape and make it back, i will be so happy. ;D


Moving on...

Care about me, pray for me, wish me luck and worry about me, but don't fear for me.

I am strong.

I am a good person.

I have dealt with so much - stuff that the other imbeciles could never cope with.

So i will be okay.


Again, thank you for your support.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Last breath?

I wish i could say things have been getting better but to be honest they haven't. More people are finding out. I'm having to deal with more shit. Life is getting harder.


The night after my last post i lay in bed until 2am contemplating killing myself. It was probably around the worst i've ever been and i've been pretty bad before.

I just wondered what the point of living is, if living is painful. My heart hurt all that day and i just wanted it to stop. I don't want to be me anymore. There was nothing to gain from getting out of bed... and many times i thought there was nothing worth living for because life sucks so much.

People don't like me. I am a joke to them. They hate me. I put so much stress onto my Mum. We were already having such a hard time before this happened, especially financially. I'm making it even worse. I felt like the world would be better off without me in it. They don't want me there. I don't want to be here. We all die eventually. I wanted to escape. I had nothing to live for. Why not just take a knife and do it. I could end it all anytime and never have to suffer again.


Anyway, that was Monday. Today is Wednesday. I haven't gotten to that stage yet, obviously.

I'm 'okay' for now, but i don't know how i'll go if things get any worse. I just really don't think i'd be able to deal with it.

I wish i was stronger but i'm just not. For someone like me to have to put up with things like this, it's just so hard. I seriously think my mind might just snap and crumble into a million little pieces, because i've never had to deal with anything like this ever, and there is no going back.


I don't feel like talking because i know you're going to pounce on me with the predictable 'hang in there it'll be okay'. That's not going to help.

I'm not commenting. I haven't been responding to emails. I just can't be fucked.

Sorry.

===>mirrorboy<===

Good... slowly... slowly...... uh-oh SLAM WHACK CRASH this ain't good :(

Today was the day that i was shoved over the edge of the cliff of safety and into the sea of 'OUT'.

So i know that one of my friends has been telling people that i'm gay. He probably doesn't understand what the consequences of that are.


I was asked by a person (who i don't like) today if i was gay.

I didn't want to say 'yes', but i had to.

I can't just say 'no' because i know it would have led to more questions and i would have been even more uncomfortable. Everyone would have found out sooner or later.

So i said 'yes'. I was forced to.

That's it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out to everyone. They all know now.



It started today - the whispers, the rumours, the questions, the laughing.

I smile. I breathe. I answer. I try to be strong.

But why has my strength left me? At the moment (THE moment) i needed it. It has left me. And i am a lesser me.

I try to avoid them. I try to hide. I sit far away, in the corner. I walk fast. I try to be early. I try to stay near safety.

But i can't have that. I am forced to face them.

Periods where i must be alone, when there are no friends around to help me.

Places where there is no authority, and no rules.

And i have only me - shy, self-conscious, bad-speaking, shaking, scared, me.



What i would give to go back, to do it MY way and prevent this all from happening...

It may have been nice to breathe the fresh air when i stepped out of the closet, but now that air has turned icy, and i long for the warmth of my former state.



Before this... i was frustrated.

Now, i am scared.



And i face much much more tomorrow.

Many times when i must answer 'yes' and be met with a laugh.

Times when i have done nothing, and notice the looks i am getting.

And still i must push on.



It's one thing to be self-conscious, and think that people are talking and laughing...

but another thing to KNOW that they are.



I feel like crying, but there's nothing but emptiness inside of me. I have nothing to cry out. I want to throw up, but i haven't eaten. I want to hide, to disappear, but I can't. I want a cuddle, but there's no one there.

I'm just... terrified.

I can't get help, not even from my Mum, because she would kill me for even telling my friends. She knew what would happen, and she made me PROMISE not to tell ANYONE.

But now, i've told everyone...

and i don't know what to do.

Coming out black and blue.

Ohh first of all i want to mention poor poor AJ. Unfortunately his coming out experience wasn't as positive as mine.

Well, i believe that the worst scenario (the one which we seem to think about at a time like this) never happens. We focus on the worst negatives about the experience and end up worrying ourselves even more.

To AJ, and all those others who are having similar experiences...

Rely on your inner strength. You are stronger than you believe. Trust me, i've been there.

Rely on us, your online mates. ;) We are ALWAYS here for you to talk to, through comments, emails and msn.

Rely on the people around you who understand and accept you. If they're real friends they will love you no matter what, and will support and look after you.


I've given up on stockpiling my good luck wishes for myself, because there are people out there who need them more.

I'm going to stop moaning about my life, because even if i don't have a boyfriend or a wonderful friend who loves me, i've got things going pretty fucking good for me right now.

And that's coming from a pessimist.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

And, good luck. All of you.

Why was i not informed? O_O

So it seems now that a few of my friends already knew, or at least thought, that i was gay.

I believe that this helped in the coming out process.

I credit it to two things.

1. My smart hint-dropping to soften the surprise.
2. My laziness. :)


So, number 1 first.

I am a pretty 'gay' guy. I'm leaning towards the stereotypical side, but it's not like i'm a raging queen or anything.

My voice - pretty gay. I'm also aware that i walk with a tiny 'swish'. It's tiny, but still...

TV. How many straights watch America's Next Top Model, and So You Think You Can Dance (Aus and US) and other shows like that?

My favourite Big Brother contestant was always the gay one (well, except for one who was a complete prick) :P, and my favourite guy on Skins was Maxxie, and i didn't lie about that.

I never laughed at gay jokes and i disapproved them, like i was against all forms of... meanness.

I also coloured my school planner in pink, use a pink pen, my msn writing is pink and so my favourite colour is... pink.

Oh, and i couldn't help but avert my eyes when my friends were watching their 'videos' at sleepovers, and that's also something that they picked up on.

We talked about this at school the other day. :)


Number 2.

I think one of my friends found my videos a while back and didn't say anything.

Also my inability to flat-out ever say that i was straight. I could just never do it. I'd always put in a playful maybe when asked if i was gay, to emphasize the fact that sexuality didn't matter.

Of course i'd usually kick myself later cos i didn't want anyone to know.

Then there's the fact that i didn't hide my stuff on my USB, and wasn't that the biggest f**k-up of them all.

But it was a good f**k-up nevertheless. ;)


Here's one last random fact. Even my best friend's mother thought i was gay.

I mean, WTF? O_o


We live in a crazy world.

Perhaps by choice, my femininity helped me. I know a lot of you could think that it was a bad idea, but i think that by acting fairly gay, and also being accepted by my friends then, when they actually found out i WAS gay, it wasn't much of a surprise, so there wasn't much of a reaction.

And as far as i'm concerned, not much of a reaction means they don't mind, and that's a good reaction. :D

Leave a comment. :)

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

And that's that.

I now KNOW that all my friends are aware i am gay.

And i KNOW that none of them are bothered by it.

I KNOW that from now on, i don't have to pretend around them.

I KNOW that we will all be even better friends than before.

I KNOW that things will be fine.

And i KNOW that i am HAPPY that this happened.


Isn't that great?

I was so nervous about all of this, but in the end it turned out for the better. I'm thinking that i took some of their previous comments too seriously. ;)

My friends accept me. A lot of them couldn't care less. Just like i did with Matthew, i underestimated all of them.

The one that i thought would go blank, and be freaked out, is still my best friend.

The one that i thought would never want to talk to me again is exactly the same friend as before.

The one that i thought was a complete homophobe is the most inquisitive and curious.

And around all of them, i can be myself. :)

I'm GLAD this happened. I'm so happy this happened. I can be myself. I am accepted.

The hugest days of my life turned out to be some of the best.

I cannot think of a better outcome than what happened.

I'll keep this post short, because there's not much else to say. :P


Life is good. I've broken down a huge wall that was holding me back. I can move on now - as myself, and nothing but myself.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

What just happened?

What a bizarre day. I leave it with mixed feelings.


It started when i walked into the classroom.

Guess what? The two guys in my class who i needed to talk about, because they were the two who i thought knew, didn't show up today! O_O

Already i was disappointed. I was full to the brim with gay pride. I was ready to give them a piece of me. My heart was thumping and i had a million thoughts running through my head about how i was going to deal with this and...

it was just three people. Matthew, and two other friends. Those two others didn't even know yet.

So the first 2 periods were like normal.


Then at recess, the library was closed, which me and Matthew usually go to and i work on my story.

We headed back to the lockers, where our other friends hang out.

Now the friend who supposedly found my stuff, is in another class, so i hadn't seen him until then. I knew he'd be there though.

My heart was really thumping now. This was it. What would he say? It would be in front of a lot of my other friends, some of whom i didn't want to know about me.

Me and Matthew showed up and... nothing.

Nothing. He said nothing. It was like normal.

Wtf?

I thought when i got to school i'd be jumped on with a million questions.

But here i am, standing amongst my friends, and the one who found my stuff in the first place is acting like nothing's happened.

At least i know that it hasn't been blabbed to everyone, yet.

Everything went like normal for a while, until one of my other friends asked me why my MSN message was 'i guess i have a bit of explaining to do', which i'd put up to try to talk to the ones who found it.

I brushed off the question, then he asked if it was about what happened with my USB.

I said 'maybe'.

He went 'oh right,' and walked off.

Then some random kid i don't really like walked up to me and asked me if i was gay. I said it wasn't any of his business. He said 'i'll take that as a yes.'

And there, he knew i was gay.

After that, the friend who found the stuff came over, and told me he'd found it. We joked about it, and asked if i really was gay.

"Haha, what do you think? You found my stash."

"Yeah, so you are."

We talked for a while, and he said he was okay with it.

I also found out from him that the other friends i have are okay with it, i think.

He also told me that one of my other friends had found a few movies on my own pc a while ago, and had thought i was gay for a while, but i didn't get to talk to him.

So that was weird.

A lot of the day was a blur.

Still, as of now, i don't know who knows that i'm gay.

It's obvious that those friends who don't know, will find out very soon, and it also seems that my sexuality will be known throughout my whole grade, in time.

And... that's okay.

If i am outed, that's okay.

I'll be myself. I'll be honest. If i'm accepted, that's great. If people take it upon themselves to pick on me, i'll tell them to get f**ked.

Although i'm 99% positive that it won't be seen as a big deal, and i know that people will forget about it in time.

So overall, it was a decent day.

I'm still waiting for the chance to talk to the friends who didn't come to school today, and i also still don't know just who knows. And i wish i did.

But it's okay. I'll be okay. My friends are still my friends, and i'm closer to them than before. I don't have to pretend around them anymore, and the ones i've talked to don't care about my sexuality.

I hope things don't take a turn for the worse in the following days... because that is possible.

But, even if they do, i will be okay. There's no doubt about that.


Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot.

I checked my emails and comments before i left this morning (even though i was running insanely late) and you all make me smile.

I wouldn't have been so strong without you.

Lots of love,

===>mirrorboy<===

A lot to deal with. Deal with, i must. I am not dead, for now. Tomorrow? We will see.

I needed a break.

To arrange my mind.

A decision to make.

I needed some time.


But now i am back.

And i missed my friends.

Messages, emails, comments in stacks.

Many replies i must send.


A wave of love.

And a flood of support.

Like angels from above.

Of many assort.


With a circle of friends as amazing as this.

What do i care if school isn't bliss?


F**k the small-minded, it's their loss.

I've decided i really don't give a toss.


And those who accept me, like Matthew my bestie,

Will stick with me closely, and for that i am lucky.


Still, if things do wrong, and i cannot belong,

I will think of my real friends, and i will be strong.



Hmm... I dunno how i came up with that. It must be that creative talent i'm always boasting about. :P

As i said, i took a break.

I went to Matthew's house and we just hung out. At night we had a good talk, about me, obviously.

It was really nice. I didn't give him enough credit. Although he was shocked when i first told him about me (even though i had no choice) he said it sank in, and he's okay with it.

We talked about how i knew, and about my Mum finding out, and who i was attracted to. I also said i had zero interest in him sexually or romantically. I think he was a little disappointed. :P


Anyways, then i got back, and i had a bunch of comments and emails from my readers, plus a bunch of MSN friends who i've still got to catch up with. I know that a lot of people are worried about me, and as i can't talk to everyone, because i just don't have enough time, i'll tell you how i am, through my blog.

I've decided, that i will be okay.

Does that sound funny?

Quite simply, i've decided, that whatever happens - whether my sexuality is kept a secret between me and my friends, or everyone finds out, i will be okay.

Whatever happens, happens. I will deal with it.


I have a sort of... motto for dealing with things.

If things seem like they're awful, i just imagine where i'll be in a few weeks time.

THINGS SORT THEMSELVES OUT.

I'm not going to worry so much that i'll end up ripping my hair out and crying myself to sleep. My sexuality is not a big issue, and that is the 'plan' i will go to school tomorrow with. It's not a big deal. I will tell my friends, that they've been friends with me for years, and i've been gay that whole time. The only difference between then and now, is that now they know. I am still the same person.

If that's not good enough for them, they can get f**ked. And i will tell them that they are childish, small-minded pricks who i don't want anything to do with.

And i'll make some other friends, who know the real me - friends who i don't have to pretend around.

That is that.

I will be okay.

It's not a big deal.


Now, onto something else. I've reached the 10,000 views mark. :)

That's amazingly hard for me to comprehend. I never thought that so many people out there (around the world) would be interested in what a 15yo kid from a small town in Australia had to say.

But it makes me very happy, and the friendships that i've made through this blog have been incredible. And they came at a good time.

Without YOUR support i would be completely terrified. I would also be alone - alone, and lonely.

Without you guys, i would be in a very dark place right now.

But i am accepted, and that will help me when i am scared or sad.

I have hundreds of friends who understand and care.

The next time i'm in my dark place, i know i have a lot of beautiful, caring, loving, amazing friends to turn to. For that, i am eternally grateful.


Look out for my post tomorrow. I'll let you know how the hugest day in my life so far goes.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Oh... no...

It's a time we all think about.

Many of us think about it with a sense of dread.

Coming out.

It goes through our head again and again.

Who do I tell? Can I trust them?

When is the right time?

Where should i tell them?

Am i ready for what might happen to me if this doesn't go well?

Well i have to prepare myself in the next two days.

Tonight i was informed that one of my 'friends' (i use the term very lightly) went poking around in my USB and came across one of my... folders.

I found this out through my best friend Matthew (see a previous post for info about him) on MSN.

It's hard to get real information from him though, so the situation is still kind of sketchy, but i do know that a couple of my friends know about my stash, and i'm terrified about what i'll have to face when the weekend is over and i have to face school again.

Will they keep their traps shut? Is it too late to even ask them to? Maybe they've blabbed it to everyone at school while i wasn't there today.

I'll be the sufferer of all the gay hatred at my school, because there are no other openly 'out' people, and gays aren't generally accepted amongst my peers.

Will they be waiting for an explanation from me? Will they listen to my "please please please don't tell anyone"s?

Or will this bring us closer together? Will my friends accept me and for the first time in my life i can finally be myself? No more pretending? No more lying?

Or is this the start of the worst time of my life so far?

Good or bad. Light or dark. Joy or misery.

In 2 days time i discover my fate.