Marchin in a Gay Pride Parade.

Title says it all. :P Figured i'd make the post cos it involves a topic that many of you may be interested in. (;

So there was a state gay pride parade in Melbourne today. Me and my gay youth group went up there, and with our banner, participated in the march, under the boiling hot sun. @_@

There had to have been thousands of people there to watch or take part in the parade. And boy, there were all types under the sun up there in Melbourne, under the hot sun.

For a 'small-town boy' like myself it was quite surreal. Every stereotypical queer and queer-related person you could imagine was in eyesight at all times. I'm talking about tall drag queens in bright, flashy outfits, short-haired dykes and their bulky motorbikes, old guys in leather (and tight, bottomless pants x_x), slender tanned twinks in only tight shiny underwear, enthusiastic mothers clad in all the colours of the rainbow, and emo boys in black tops and low-rising jeans with, if i may say so myself, very nommable hair.

It was the largest collection of eye-candy and eye-sores i've ever witnessed. I've never seen so many cute boys in the same place before. And the funniest thing is, most of em like cock. :P It was so... strange to see so many openly gay/bi people in the one spot, or even openly gay people at all, for me.

It was the longest day i've had in ages, and it was the first experience of its kind for me, and quite an eye-opening one at that.

And i acquired a raging sunburn to remember.

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

How I Met Bitboy.

(Sorry for the long post but it does have a rather strong point to it) :)

You know i've always been incredibly interested in how one small action can have huge implications. In fact i often find myself thinking 'where will this action or decision lead me in the future?' when i'm at a crossroads. It's why i strive do always be nice whenever i can, because you never know when a nice action can lead to a new friend.

I think the majority of my readers also came across me and my blog through internet searches or clicking random links. If you'd typed something a little different, clicked a link above or below, or not even been on the computer that day, you might not know i existed. And many of my blog readers are good friends that have enriched my life a lot.

Well on to the point of this post. It's how i met Bitboy.

Before i got WoW, i used to play this game called Knight Online. And it was a horrible game, utterly terrible, it was. Basically it was ruled by hackers and bots. The only way to level up was to find yourself a hacker to be in a group with. And then there were the bugs and glitches, and typos. Oh god, the typos. When what you were told to do was coherent enough to understand, there would be a glitch or two that made it impossible to do.

And the gameplay was bad enough too. There were warriors, mages, rogues and priests. You could only wear armour designed for your class, and the only decent stuff was so hard to get, only people who hacked or cheated to get money could buy it. The same goes for weapons. Even low levels could wield ridiculously overpowered weapons, if they had money, that is. And the music was the same goddamn track over and over and over again.



But i digress. One day while playing this horrible game, i entered an event and was put in a group with a mage called Weebs. He did his job well and saved my virtual ass many times. After the event was over i saw him back in town and said he did a good job, and he said i did as well (both with a smiley). Then we parted our separate ways.

I was in a group with someone doing a quest later, when i ran into him in another town. Weebs knew the person i was grouping with, so we all started talking. By the time the other person had left, me and Weebs were getting along quite well.

It was then that i found that Weebs was actually an Australian. We kept talking, and decided we would play together when we could. Later on, we were partying with an American who made some rather homophobic remarks. :P Meanwhile i am very much a hint-dropper. I guess i could explain it in that i try to get a read on a person's like or dislike of gays by making borderline sexual remarks or innuendo. Does that make sense? o_O Sometimes people will act positively, others will freak out at even the slightest hint of a hug.

Anyways it worked better than i expected. By the time we got back to the main town and were alone again, Weebs asked me 'are you bi?'. I replied with something like 'you're half right lol'. He'd picked up on my semi-obvious remarks, and when i told him i was gay, he in turn said he was bi. That's when i started to go like (O_O).

'Omg' i was thinking, 'he's Australian, he likes boys, and he's a teenager'. That's an incredible lot to have in common in a game in which the majority don't even speak English. 'AND HE'S NICE!'

Soon after, i showed him the address to my blog. Then our game conversations turned to MSN conversations. Within a few days of knowing each other, i was beginning to like him, a lot. And he liked me too. It got to the point where i would only bother playing the game to see him and have his 'company'.

When he said he wanted to leave Knight Online to go back to playing World of Warcraft, i decided i had no choice but to buy it and start playing it. Being around him, even online, made me so happy. We both made new characters, and went through the levelling process together. And let me just say, WoW is infinitely better than KO. :P

The rest is history.



The fact is, if i hadn't been playing Knight Online, on that day, at that time, and entered that event (meeting Weebs), and afterwards entered a group that lead me to a town in which Weebs was at at the same time, and having Weebs know the person i was grouping with, giving us a reason to talk more... I might not have had a boyfriend for 2 weeks, 2 weeks in which i was the happiest i've been for years.

That's why i'll always be thankful for that horrible game.

Memorable Moments #2

March. It was early in the month, when i celebrated 150,000 views, that i started up my other 2 blogs, Secret Project (co-owned with Jake) which was basically boy pics, and Mirrorboy's Words, on which i posted excerpts from my story

2 days later, i started seeing my psychologists (thank God they came into my life). I had a bit of support in my life now, but school was still really hard.

At the end of March, i posted the interview that Col had done with me, and it provides a bit of insight into my life.

April. The 8th, and i was getting ready for my trip to Melbourne, the state's capital city. Not only was it my first holiday, but it showed me that there was a life outside of my crappy, small-minded town. I could at least look forward to the day when i finally leave.

And i had photos. :P

During April was the time i stopped attending school. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it had all become too much. My Mum knew she couldn't keep sending me, so i just stopped going. I didn't make a post about it though, because frankly, it was private.

May. Not much happened in May. I continued not going to school, and instead focusing on trying to get better by working with my psychologists. I also kept going to my gay youth group.

The 22nd was my birthday. I got some really nice bday wishes from my online friends. :) Other than that it was a pretty crappy day. lol

2 days later, i explained everything about school, and life, and i told you about my disorders. I also said that tomorrow i would be starting at a new school (which is my current one). My first day wasn't bad, although i was expectedly nervous.

With a lot on my mind, i took a break from blogging and didn't return until mid-June.

June. I included a post about the kinds of things we get up to at my youth group.

By the 19th, things were starting to get back on track for me, thankfully.

June also had a Q&A post about me, and if you're interested, i showed you pics of where i blog from.

July. My school hours increased. I was also going through a lot of ups and downs. Life was pretty unstable as i juggled blogging with school and my disorders. I used my blog to vent when i needed to.

I also posted some pics of the beach in my city.

At least things were on the up, now.

August. I was busy, and that was good. Inadvertently, i was also being more positive. Things were starting to improve.

And now September. There's not much point in looking back on this month. :P

But i will say, the past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Every single day, things get better for me. Living gets easier.

The time between now and a year ago almost killed me, literally. But i've survived. I've got the scars in my mind and bruises on my soul, but i made it, thanks in no small part to all of you who supported me.

Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Milk, It's Good For You. :)

So i had a great night. :)

A handful of us showed up, and we bought chips, soft drink and lollies, and ordered pizzas. Then we all reclined in bean-bags and watched the movie, Milk, which was shown on a projector thingy.

Can i just say, that movie is amazing. Everyone there loved it, me included.

It was just fantastic. It was funny and sad, entertaining, moving, and inspirational.

I would highly recommend it to anyone, but for people like us, i think it is simply a must-see. If you haven't seen it yet, go out and rent it. I mean it. It's an amazing film.

That is all. :)

love

On shelves.

First, thanks for all the supportful comments and emails. It really does mean the world to me.

My new idea for a blog colour combination was... not that popular. Only a few votes for yes on it, so i didn't even bother to let the poll finish. lol

An another note althogether, we watched Pulp Fiction in Creative Writing at school today. Violence and blood, swearing, and unexpected anal rape. O_O



About a week ago, i borrowed a book i'd heard about, from the library... *ruffles through bag*

Hot Hits The Remix by an Aussie author (Bernie Monagle) who visited our school once. It's about a few closeted gay kids who at the start are in year 10 and it goes over a couple of years.

(A couple of months ago, i would have been too afraid or embarassed to even be seen looking at it. I guess there are a few small benefits to being 'out'. At least i don't have to pretend anymore.)

Anyways... This book has got me thinking...

Imagine my blog, on a much larger scale. I write about my life and my experiences on here all the time. Maybe one day, i could put these thoughts into a book.

If this blog is helping a few people online, imagine what i could do if 'my story' was out there on shelves - out there amongst everyone, for anyone who was looking to find and read.

It wouldn't be written the same way as my blog, of course. It would be semi autobiographical, mainly about my coming out, and how i've tried to deal with it and my experiences to do with sexuality.

Of course, i can't actually write it yet. I'm still going through my journey... but perhaps one day...



Don't forget, i AM a writer. I pour most of my life into writing. It might not be that much of a stretch. :)



Here are today's music links. I was only gonna post one, but it was a sad one, so i figured i'd post another one as well. :)

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/164684 Don't listen if you're in a fragile state. It ain't gonna help. Especially the start. Then it moves to what i feel is like desperation and crying out. But that's my interpretation.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/69504 Gets a lot faster and upbeat further on. :)

Don't forget to comment about the songs, plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Choice? Are you kidding me?

I missed another day's post... Sorry... I wish i could say that i had so much to do that i couldn't squeeze in the time to post, but to be honest i just got caught up playing a game. :P

So anyways, Mr. HCI's post got me thinking... and gave me the idea for tonight's post, which i guess is actually really personal... so i don't know why i'm posting it on the internet hahaha.



Now, people often ask when i found out i was gay...

Now that's a hard question, because it comes in 2 parts.

1 - When did i first have same-sex feelings?

2 - When did i actually admit to myself that i was gay?



Well, the answer to the first part would be around grade 4 or 5. One of the earliest 'gay' memories i remember is seeing a picture of a streaker in the paper and getting somewhat turned on.

There were a lot of situations like that... I would like to look at boys because i just... liked looking. But then i knew that boys were supposed to like girls... so i would look at girls and tell myself that i found them attractive.... basically, i did everything i could at that age to tell myself that i was straight and would get married and have kids and live a 'normal' life.

I was in complete denial.

I was also scared, because i did not want to be 'gay'. It was a scary concept to me. I didn't want to have something 'wrong' inside of me.

I hated it when i got aroused over boys and other times i told and told myself at any sexual female pictures that i found them attractive.

Eventually i started to tell myself that i was bisexual. I told myself that... okay... i guess i like boys, but i HAVE to like girls as well because there simply is no other option.

I could still get married and live my life, and i would just forget about boys altogether. Things would be 'normal' for me.

That went on for a long time, even though for most of that i was wanking over boys.



Slowly, without even realising it i guess, i just stopped thinking about it and kept doing what i was doing - admiring guys and not caring about girls, although i still told myself i would be with a girl.

I just stopped thinking about it.



But it wasn't until just 2 years ago that i actually admitted that i was, in fact, gay.

I just told myself to stop hating myself and that i just COULD NOT change it. It was like giving myself a slap in the face.

I was being STUPID. I was too smart to keep fucking myself around like this!

And that was it.

From that point on, i was gay, and okay with it. And i grew to accept it more and more.



So there is nothing that makes me angrier, than people saying that sexuality is a CHOICE.

(Bear with me here)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEONE CHOOSE TO BE GAY?! IT'S SO FUCKING HARD!! We have to put up with endless shit from small-minded pricks who don't know what the fuck they're on about but still feel it is their obligation to pass judgement on us!! We have to put up with taunts and jokes and bullying because of it!! Why would someone CHOOSE to go through all this turmoil?!

*takes a breath... regains composure... resets font size.

It just makes my blood boil that people think we can choose, because i think that if sexuality was a choice, we would have a lot less gay people. I'm not saying that we're not happy being gay, but it's just so freakin hard being this way.

While i was finding out who i was, i literally prayed that i would be straight. If i had a choice, OF COURSE i would have picked heterosexuality so i could fit in with everyone else.

If i had the choice now? Well... i'm old enough to realize that this is an important part of me and makes me who i am today, and has given me a much more mature and accepting view of the world and all the people in it.

So i am happy to be gay.

I am me and i am gay. If i was not gay, i would be a totally different person who'd gone through such a different experience.



Plus... i still haven't gotten to cuddle a boy yet... and i bet that when i do, i'll be praising the heavens that i'm this way. hahaha



===>mirrorboy<===

'Different' Love.

So i'm still suffering from the flu *cough cough - phlegm flies out onto screen.

Hahaha sorry if that's sick i was only kidding. :P


- Should i put up one of those Followers gadgets? If i get a few comments telling me to do so i will. :)

Then i can follow YOU, my followers. O_O


New links - Both written by young bisexual guys.

AJ's Ramblings - JUST STARTED so if you check him out now you'll be able to follow him as he writes. He's got a pretty damn interesting life as part of a band.

Archer's Wonderful World - Which i am actually really enjoying because he writes really well and if you know me, you know that that's something i can appreciate. It could turn out to be one of my favourites really. Plus, doesn't he have a totally awesome name?


So, believe it or not, that actually leads into today's post. The trend of gay/bi's falling for their straight friends.

Take a look at my first four links ===>

AJ really likes Jake, a guy in his band.
Archer loves his best friend Jason.
Adam adores his friend (only known as 'A').
Jason (a different one lol) loves his buddy Tay.

Quite sad really. One of the bad things about being gay. Why can't we just fall in love with people we can actually have?

I think i've been pretty lucky. As of yet, i've had no romantic feelings for any of my friends... then again, they're not really that affectionate, which is what i crave. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't have to endure heartbreak... yet.


Anyway, this got me thinking...

Let's say a guy is physically attracted to girls, but romantically attracted to boys. What does he define himelf as? Gay, straight or bi? Could he find a satisfying relationship?

If he was into sex, he would probably call himself straight, because love wouldn't enter his head. But if he was more into affection and romance, he would probably call himself gay, right? Because sex wouldn't be important.

Makes ya think, huh?

I've confused myself lol.

If that went right over your head, that's okay. ;D

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Why was i not informed? O_O

So it seems now that a few of my friends already knew, or at least thought, that i was gay.

I believe that this helped in the coming out process.

I credit it to two things.

1. My smart hint-dropping to soften the surprise.
2. My laziness. :)


So, number 1 first.

I am a pretty 'gay' guy. I'm leaning towards the stereotypical side, but it's not like i'm a raging queen or anything.

My voice - pretty gay. I'm also aware that i walk with a tiny 'swish'. It's tiny, but still...

TV. How many straights watch America's Next Top Model, and So You Think You Can Dance (Aus and US) and other shows like that?

My favourite Big Brother contestant was always the gay one (well, except for one who was a complete prick) :P, and my favourite guy on Skins was Maxxie, and i didn't lie about that.

I never laughed at gay jokes and i disapproved them, like i was against all forms of... meanness.

I also coloured my school planner in pink, use a pink pen, my msn writing is pink and so my favourite colour is... pink.

Oh, and i couldn't help but avert my eyes when my friends were watching their 'videos' at sleepovers, and that's also something that they picked up on.

We talked about this at school the other day. :)


Number 2.

I think one of my friends found my videos a while back and didn't say anything.

Also my inability to flat-out ever say that i was straight. I could just never do it. I'd always put in a playful maybe when asked if i was gay, to emphasize the fact that sexuality didn't matter.

Of course i'd usually kick myself later cos i didn't want anyone to know.

Then there's the fact that i didn't hide my stuff on my USB, and wasn't that the biggest f**k-up of them all.

But it was a good f**k-up nevertheless. ;)


Here's one last random fact. Even my best friend's mother thought i was gay.

I mean, WTF? O_o


We live in a crazy world.

Perhaps by choice, my femininity helped me. I know a lot of you could think that it was a bad idea, but i think that by acting fairly gay, and also being accepted by my friends then, when they actually found out i WAS gay, it wasn't much of a surprise, so there wasn't much of a reaction.

And as far as i'm concerned, not much of a reaction means they don't mind, and that's a good reaction. :D

Leave a comment. :)

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

What just happened?

What a bizarre day. I leave it with mixed feelings.


It started when i walked into the classroom.

Guess what? The two guys in my class who i needed to talk about, because they were the two who i thought knew, didn't show up today! O_O

Already i was disappointed. I was full to the brim with gay pride. I was ready to give them a piece of me. My heart was thumping and i had a million thoughts running through my head about how i was going to deal with this and...

it was just three people. Matthew, and two other friends. Those two others didn't even know yet.

So the first 2 periods were like normal.


Then at recess, the library was closed, which me and Matthew usually go to and i work on my story.

We headed back to the lockers, where our other friends hang out.

Now the friend who supposedly found my stuff, is in another class, so i hadn't seen him until then. I knew he'd be there though.

My heart was really thumping now. This was it. What would he say? It would be in front of a lot of my other friends, some of whom i didn't want to know about me.

Me and Matthew showed up and... nothing.

Nothing. He said nothing. It was like normal.

Wtf?

I thought when i got to school i'd be jumped on with a million questions.

But here i am, standing amongst my friends, and the one who found my stuff in the first place is acting like nothing's happened.

At least i know that it hasn't been blabbed to everyone, yet.

Everything went like normal for a while, until one of my other friends asked me why my MSN message was 'i guess i have a bit of explaining to do', which i'd put up to try to talk to the ones who found it.

I brushed off the question, then he asked if it was about what happened with my USB.

I said 'maybe'.

He went 'oh right,' and walked off.

Then some random kid i don't really like walked up to me and asked me if i was gay. I said it wasn't any of his business. He said 'i'll take that as a yes.'

And there, he knew i was gay.

After that, the friend who found the stuff came over, and told me he'd found it. We joked about it, and asked if i really was gay.

"Haha, what do you think? You found my stash."

"Yeah, so you are."

We talked for a while, and he said he was okay with it.

I also found out from him that the other friends i have are okay with it, i think.

He also told me that one of my other friends had found a few movies on my own pc a while ago, and had thought i was gay for a while, but i didn't get to talk to him.

So that was weird.

A lot of the day was a blur.

Still, as of now, i don't know who knows that i'm gay.

It's obvious that those friends who don't know, will find out very soon, and it also seems that my sexuality will be known throughout my whole grade, in time.

And... that's okay.

If i am outed, that's okay.

I'll be myself. I'll be honest. If i'm accepted, that's great. If people take it upon themselves to pick on me, i'll tell them to get f**ked.

Although i'm 99% positive that it won't be seen as a big deal, and i know that people will forget about it in time.

So overall, it was a decent day.

I'm still waiting for the chance to talk to the friends who didn't come to school today, and i also still don't know just who knows. And i wish i did.

But it's okay. I'll be okay. My friends are still my friends, and i'm closer to them than before. I don't have to pretend around them anymore, and the ones i've talked to don't care about my sexuality.

I hope things don't take a turn for the worse in the following days... because that is possible.

But, even if they do, i will be okay. There's no doubt about that.


Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot.

I checked my emails and comments before i left this morning (even though i was running insanely late) and you all make me smile.

I wouldn't have been so strong without you.

Lots of love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Affection vs. Sex

I realised something whilst talking to my friends recently. In various conversations we talked about why we wanted boyfriends and stuff like that.

To me, it seems that my friends and i would all rather have a good cuddle than a great sex session. Affection is important to us guys...

But we're constantly hearing about how straight guys just wanna sleep and aren't into any of that stuff... They're more interested in the sex...

I can't really think of anything i'd like more, than to cuddle a boy in bed, or have a long kiss on the couch, or hold his hand... things like that. It seems i'm not alone...

Why is it this way?

Is it simply because we're gay that we're into lovey stuff more than our straight counterparts? That it's simply a 'gay' thing?

Is it because we're starved of affection, because we've had to hide for so long?

Or am i wrong? Am i too young and i just don't 'get' what the gay world is about?

Is this just a big generalisation of stereotypes? Are you a bonker instead of a lover? Are a lot of the gay friends you know, bonkers?

Do you think a lot of gays are more into sex, and a lot of straights are more into affection?

If you're a girl, comment too! I'd like to hear the female side of view just as much.

And do you think our desires change as we get into relationships? Do you think they change as we get older?

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Leave a comment! Now!

...Please.

:)

My best friend Matthew.

Matthew is a nice person, i have no doubt about that. He tries to be nice to everyone. He loves animals. He's nice to me and he always laughs at my jokes... but he laughs at pretty much anything i say really... From the outside, if you didn't really know him that well, i guess that's the sort of impression you'd get. Nice. Loves animals. Loves the Lord of the Rings. My best friend who always listens to me and supports me the best he can.

I know virtually everything there is to know about him. He wants to be a zoologist (is that right?) and he wants to write creative stories about animals as well. He tells me everything. I know who he hates and who he likes. I know the sort of music he's into. I know what excites him and what makes him squirm.

And he's not my ideal best friend.

There is only one word to describe him... naive. I am the complete opposite of naive. I've seen how cruel the world can be. I've had to deal with shit that he doesn't even know exists.

So how can i connect with someone like that? I consider my homosexuality to be a big part of me. Many other people who aren't straight would probably agree with me, when i say that i don't feel someone can truly know me until they know my orientation.

For crying out loud, he didn't even know what a bisexual was until last friday when i explained it to him.

His parents have kept him in a cocoon his whole life. He knows absolutely nothing of sexuality. I don't think he even knows what masturbation is. Telling him i am gay would be like telling my grandma. He'd probably just go blank and freeze. It's such an unknown concept to him. What the hell am i supposed to do?

What would he do? Would he be freaked out? Probably. Even if i made him promise not to tell anyone he would probably blurt it out to him parents. Then that would start the chain reaction to many of us know about.

But there is one thing... two things actually. I write one book, UNIVERSES, and I'm planning for my next, HOPE HURTS. He has read UNIVERSES from the start, and that has a gay character in it. Coltrane. The bad thing is... I don't think Matthew's even figured it out yet. Next post i will put in an excerpt or something. You will see what i mean.

PS. my statcounter has finally gone up a bit :D
And i'm trying to get milkboys to link to me. Come on guys! Pleeeeeeeeeease!