Memorable Moments #2

March. It was early in the month, when i celebrated 150,000 views, that i started up my other 2 blogs, Secret Project (co-owned with Jake) which was basically boy pics, and Mirrorboy's Words, on which i posted excerpts from my story

2 days later, i started seeing my psychologists (thank God they came into my life). I had a bit of support in my life now, but school was still really hard.

At the end of March, i posted the interview that Col had done with me, and it provides a bit of insight into my life.

April. The 8th, and i was getting ready for my trip to Melbourne, the state's capital city. Not only was it my first holiday, but it showed me that there was a life outside of my crappy, small-minded town. I could at least look forward to the day when i finally leave.

And i had photos. :P

During April was the time i stopped attending school. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it had all become too much. My Mum knew she couldn't keep sending me, so i just stopped going. I didn't make a post about it though, because frankly, it was private.

May. Not much happened in May. I continued not going to school, and instead focusing on trying to get better by working with my psychologists. I also kept going to my gay youth group.

The 22nd was my birthday. I got some really nice bday wishes from my online friends. :) Other than that it was a pretty crappy day. lol

2 days later, i explained everything about school, and life, and i told you about my disorders. I also said that tomorrow i would be starting at a new school (which is my current one). My first day wasn't bad, although i was expectedly nervous.

With a lot on my mind, i took a break from blogging and didn't return until mid-June.

June. I included a post about the kinds of things we get up to at my youth group.

By the 19th, things were starting to get back on track for me, thankfully.

June also had a Q&A post about me, and if you're interested, i showed you pics of where i blog from.

July. My school hours increased. I was also going through a lot of ups and downs. Life was pretty unstable as i juggled blogging with school and my disorders. I used my blog to vent when i needed to.

I also posted some pics of the beach in my city.

At least things were on the up, now.

August. I was busy, and that was good. Inadvertently, i was also being more positive. Things were starting to improve.

And now September. There's not much point in looking back on this month. :P

But i will say, the past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Every single day, things get better for me. Living gets easier.

The time between now and a year ago almost killed me, literally. But i've survived. I've got the scars in my mind and bruises on my soul, but i made it, thanks in no small part to all of you who supported me.

Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

I feel sick.

Today is the last day of the school holidays, and tomorrow, i'm back at school for 11 months.

I can't help it. I feel physically sick in my gut thinking about it, and i can't not think about it, cos i have all these things to do to get ready for tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm the only 'out' one there amongst a bunch of small-minded pricks to whom being gay is something so out-of-the-ordinary and such a big deal. And they like making 'it' a big deal. I was called names and teased and picked on and laughed at and i just don't want to go back to that.

It just doesn't seem fucking fair. Why do i have to live this? Why do I have to be the one who goes through all of this? My self-esteem and confidence was already in tatters before, and then THIS happened!? I don't know how i can deal with it. Last year was crushing me. It got worse every single day, right up until school was over. I was so relieved because i would get a short break. But now, i'm back for a whole year. I can't get away. I have no big breaks to look forward to. It will be day, after day, after day, of the same thing. If things haven't improved on last year, i just don't know how i'll survive.

Don't forget on top of all that, i'm supposed to be learning and working. How can i in a place like that? That's just even more pressure.

I'm scared. I'm just scared.

I feel sick, and i'm scared, and i'm trapped, and there's no way out. I'm stuck in this place, with these people, 6 and a half hours a day, 5 days a week, for 10 and a half months. And there's nothing i can do.

And i'm all alone. Even the one person i could trust, Mrs OC, is taking long-service leave.

I don't know if i can handle this. I worry it's going to crush me.

The storm.

I'm back, on my hands and knees, asking for your opinions and support and advice. PLEASE.


Remember how yesterday i said that school was sucking majorly? How i had a problem? And that i then talked to the coordinator about it?

Today, the coordinator talked to the boy that caused yesterday's awful problem...

And now, i may be responsible for getting the meanest and toughest kid in my year level suspended from school for a week.

This boy, hangs around in a big gang of other boys that you don't want to mess with.


I'M FUCKED.


I know it. I'm in for it.


Nobody will stick up for me. I know that. My friends are 'nice', but they don't care about me. As long as these people don't go after them, they don't give a shit.

Telling my teacher got me into an even worse situation than before. Do i keep going back? Is that going to make things even worse? What could they even do?

I HAVE to go to school. I can't hide at home. I'm behind in my work already. Tomorrow my Journalism interview is scheduled... which i have to prepare tonight. Fuck.

And i can't defend myself. Not with fists and not with words.



I'm at a loss of what to do.

When i think about MY LIFE, i feel deeply sick and terrified.

This is it. This is my life and i've fucked it up. There is nowhere to hide and nobody to turn to.

I don't want to be me.



I wish this was a stupid story or something.

But no, it's me. This is my life.

This is my everything.

I'm fucked and that's it.

Good... slowly... slowly...... uh-oh SLAM WHACK CRASH this ain't good :(

Today was the day that i was shoved over the edge of the cliff of safety and into the sea of 'OUT'.

So i know that one of my friends has been telling people that i'm gay. He probably doesn't understand what the consequences of that are.


I was asked by a person (who i don't like) today if i was gay.

I didn't want to say 'yes', but i had to.

I can't just say 'no' because i know it would have led to more questions and i would have been even more uncomfortable. Everyone would have found out sooner or later.

So i said 'yes'. I was forced to.

That's it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out to everyone. They all know now.



It started today - the whispers, the rumours, the questions, the laughing.

I smile. I breathe. I answer. I try to be strong.

But why has my strength left me? At the moment (THE moment) i needed it. It has left me. And i am a lesser me.

I try to avoid them. I try to hide. I sit far away, in the corner. I walk fast. I try to be early. I try to stay near safety.

But i can't have that. I am forced to face them.

Periods where i must be alone, when there are no friends around to help me.

Places where there is no authority, and no rules.

And i have only me - shy, self-conscious, bad-speaking, shaking, scared, me.



What i would give to go back, to do it MY way and prevent this all from happening...

It may have been nice to breathe the fresh air when i stepped out of the closet, but now that air has turned icy, and i long for the warmth of my former state.



Before this... i was frustrated.

Now, i am scared.



And i face much much more tomorrow.

Many times when i must answer 'yes' and be met with a laugh.

Times when i have done nothing, and notice the looks i am getting.

And still i must push on.



It's one thing to be self-conscious, and think that people are talking and laughing...

but another thing to KNOW that they are.



I feel like crying, but there's nothing but emptiness inside of me. I have nothing to cry out. I want to throw up, but i haven't eaten. I want to hide, to disappear, but I can't. I want a cuddle, but there's no one there.

I'm just... terrified.

I can't get help, not even from my Mum, because she would kill me for even telling my friends. She knew what would happen, and she made me PROMISE not to tell ANYONE.

But now, i've told everyone...

and i don't know what to do.

Oh... no...

It's a time we all think about.

Many of us think about it with a sense of dread.

Coming out.

It goes through our head again and again.

Who do I tell? Can I trust them?

When is the right time?

Where should i tell them?

Am i ready for what might happen to me if this doesn't go well?

Well i have to prepare myself in the next two days.

Tonight i was informed that one of my 'friends' (i use the term very lightly) went poking around in my USB and came across one of my... folders.

I found this out through my best friend Matthew (see a previous post for info about him) on MSN.

It's hard to get real information from him though, so the situation is still kind of sketchy, but i do know that a couple of my friends know about my stash, and i'm terrified about what i'll have to face when the weekend is over and i have to face school again.

Will they keep their traps shut? Is it too late to even ask them to? Maybe they've blabbed it to everyone at school while i wasn't there today.

I'll be the sufferer of all the gay hatred at my school, because there are no other openly 'out' people, and gays aren't generally accepted amongst my peers.

Will they be waiting for an explanation from me? Will they listen to my "please please please don't tell anyone"s?

Or will this bring us closer together? Will my friends accept me and for the first time in my life i can finally be myself? No more pretending? No more lying?

Or is this the start of the worst time of my life so far?

Good or bad. Light or dark. Joy or misery.

In 2 days time i discover my fate.