My Blog Turns 2.

Well it axly had its second birthday a couple weeks ago but i didn't notice. :P

I know i haven't been posting much as of late. Sorry to say things aren't going to change, because it's intentional.

I've told my story now. It was one of overcoming troubles, learning and growing as a person.



I made this blog for me in the beginning. I was alone and felt like a freak in this conservative city of mine. I knew no like-minded people, no one who understood what it was like to like people of the same sex. I had no one i could talk to. So i was reached out to the internet in the hopes of finding people who understood what it was like to be gay. I did, and it was an incredible and invaluable experience, and now the fact that i'm gay doesn't have the tiniest impact on my day to day life, when it used to be a major issue. It's thanks to the people i've met online and for that i'm eternally grateful and thankful for having met you. That's the best thing about my blog for me.

But slowly Mirrorboy became less about me and more about helping others. I grew to be obsessed with helping people in the same sort of situation and that snowballed until i was eager to help anyone with any troubles any time, no matter how simple or intense.

I met more people. I got to know people more deeply. Everyone has shit in their lives, and i got caught up in everyone else's intentionally. Like i said, i got obsessed with helping, and soon my every thought was about my numerous online friends and how i could help them. I'd be freaking out some days about the issues my friends had. I'd even talk to my own psychologist about how i could better help my friends sort through their struggles.

I imploded. It got to be too much and i had to step back. I had enough on my own plate to deal with, and whenever i came back to blogworld i was faced with a loaded buffet of others' troubles. I would try and often fail to help people and it would hurt me hard. I know it was of my own doing, but perhaps i'd lost sight of reality and who i was. I couldn't fix the world, as much as i would try. I am after all, just a boy.

That's why i had to temporarily leave. To put things into perspective and come back knowing how much i could handle, and what i could not.

So things haven't been the same since i came back. For that i'm sorry. As much as i wish i could, i'm not able to help everyone with everything, and i've failed to live up to some people's expectations because of that, and sometimes my own.



I've told my story while getting caught up in others. I don't regret a moment of it. I grew as a person and i've made many friends i'll keep forever. I'm sure i've helped some people along the way. That's never a bad thing.

But i'm sitting in the back seat now. I'll watch over who i can. I'll read, often silently. I'll leave comments sometimes. I'll post occasionally to let you know how i am, but this is mostly for the friends i've made, not for an audience of anonymous people.

Mirrorboy has found his place in blogworld.

And Mirrorboy has found his place in me.

It's the back seat.

Beginnings and Endings.

Well, school is done for the term. I'm on my 2 week break now. ^_^ However once the next term starts (because it's year 12) i'll be doing insane revision and solid prep for the end-of-year uber-important exams. o_o

In other news, when i saw my psychologist the other day she told me that she thinks it might be time for me to stop going to see her. I've learnt a lot of skills and gained a lot of knowledge about how i work so it might be time for me to try and make it on my own.

I've gotta admit, the idea kind of freaks me out. As long as i've had her, no problem has ever been unsolvable. Nothing has been off limits and I could talk to her about things that to anyone else in my life would sound insane. She's helped me infinitely in so many areas of my life that i'd struggled with sometimes for such a long time, to such a degree that i couldn't even begin to explain.

...I think i'll be okay.

I hope so.



On a happier note, things are going swell with Reece and I. He gets here tomorrow at 4:30. I'm nervous as heck and stressed as hell.

But also excited. ^_^

The Other Side.

For anyone who took an interest in my previous post, or is familiar with Kakistos (aka my current online bf) and his old blog, i strongly suggest you follow this link to his new blog, Falling Awake. :3

Specifically relating to our relationship is this post. Dare i say, he presents a more eloquent and meaningful interpretation of our relationship than me :S, and it gives you a bit of history about him and a bit of insight into who he is.

I think he addresses a lot of what may be your concerns, and expresses his motivations, and also shows his maturity, so's there's not much else i can do than strongly urge you to go read. ;)

Still Here. :P

It's only been a couple weeks but i figured i should post an update. Hopefully people still axly read this thing. >_> lol

I've started a new kind of treatment with my psychologist called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It's about mindfulness and accepting the shit in your life and the things that you have trouble with, and rather than struggling with it and trying to fix it, you accept it and let it wash over you without fighting it and get on with what's important to you.

From Wikipedia (So it must be true :P)...

"As a simple way to summarize the model, ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the acronym, FEAR:

Fusion with your thoughts
Evaluation of experience
Avoidance of your experience
Reason giving for your behaviour

And the healthy alternative is to ACT:

Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

"ACT commonly employs six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:

Cognitive defusion: Learning to perceive thoughts, images, emotions, and memories as what they are, not what they appear to be.
Acceptance: Allowing them to come and go without struggling with them.
Contact with the present moment: Awareness of the here and now, experienced with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
Observing the self: Accessing a transcendent sense of self, a continuity of consciousness which is unchanging.
Values: Discovering what is most important to one's true self.
Committed action: Setting goals according to values and carrying them out responsibly."

If you're aware of your thoughts, you can't be your thoughts.

Obviously there's a lot more involved than what i wrote but that's the main aspect. :P

I like it a lot so far. One thing it has helped me with a lot is my writing. Writing is the thing i value most in my life right now, and i'd barely been writing much at all for a long period of time. It's helped me to get over my perfectionism and just get stuff down on a page. So that's awesome. :3 And of course it's helping with the anxiety too. We've tried a lot of different techniques in the past and this is the one that i think most fits with me.

A'ight well that's one aspect of my life caught up on. I might post about my writing in the next couple of days if anyone cares. :P

And i've got other stuff to post about too so see you soon. (:

Don't forget you can follow me on Twitter now. :3

<3

Update.

Haven't posted in a while, so here i am. :)

Back to school tomorrow after my 2-week break. :/ I had to put up with majorly slow internet for the entire break cos we'd reached our cap, and it only reset today - the last day of the holiday. Stupidness. :/

Had a friend's birthday sleepover on Friday/Saturday. It was nice to see my friends again and have fun and feel less like Mirrorboy, and more like me.

Don't think about Bitboy much at all any more. Breaking up with me is his loss. Gotta feel bad for him though. He'll most likely never find a fulfilling relationship and will never do better than me. Meanwhile, i deserve better than someone so self-absorbed and hurtful. And that's the end of it.

Mum is doing good. As is my Grandma, and my cats. And i'm still working on my story. (:

A'ight. Can't think of much else so leave a comment if there's anything you wanna know. :3

My Other Love.

Tweet 1, last night: He's (Bitboy) an insensitive and confusing asshole. I hate him... So why can't i stop thinking about him every minute? )':

Tweet 2, soon after: God i really need to make some changes to my life. Things can't continue like this -.-

Tweet 3, today during lunch break: There's 2 loves of my life: Bitboy and writing. There's a hole in my soul that won't stop hurting. It's time to reclaim one.

Who would have thought Twitter would help me make important life decisions? :P

Ever since my traumatic school experience, i stopped my beloved writing. I couldn't concentrate because i was just so upset all the time. Then as time progressed and things improved, i'd look back on my half-finished novel and nitpick everything that was wrong or imperfect about it. I continually demotivated myself every time i sat down and looked at the 500 pages of Word documents in front of me, and eventually stopped writing altogether.



Paraphrasing my psychologist: "Sometimes when you don't feel you can do something is when you need to do it the most".

The number one thing i'm most proud of in my life is my writing. It's kept me going in ways i can't even begin to explain. It's been gone from my life for a long time and now i need to take it back, because, frankly, i have no motivation to exist any more. I need something to hang on to, to keep me going.

A couple weeks ago i started a 'Writing Book'. The first thing i wrote in it was the last post that i made on my Words Blog. Since then i've made the first page the 'rules page'. Yes, because my freakin perfectionism kept getting in the way of what i want to do, i've axly had to set rules for the book.

eg. Don't force myself to write, no crossing out, no hesitation (write what comes into my head), nothing is off-limits, nothing needs to be finished, what i write doesn't have to resemble any form of writing (story, poem etc), it doesn't have to make sense... In other words, stop trying to be perfect.

I've heeded my rules and the next thing i decided to write was a guide to oral sex. :P It's unfinished, too, and that's not a problem. The next page is bitching about Bitboy, and then a page of nonsense words, just immediately writing down whatever came into my head - axly an exercise that Mrs OC recommended in an English class once.



What i think i'm going to do in the near future is write down everything that my novel lacks. eg. A timeline, a developing relationship, an organised plot, complex emotion, etc. Then i'm going to try writing a short story for each element, involving it in some way. If i'm going to write a novel one day, and be happy with it, i can't be learning how to write its components as i write the actual thing.



My life is empty, and meaningless right now for me. When i had Bitboy, i had purpose, i had focus, i had a future. Bitboy is gone now, and those things went with him.

I may not be able to get him back, but i'm sure as hell going to reclaim those things, through other means.

I don't have any other choice.

Answers. :P

Thanks for contributing everyone. ^_^

I've tried to group up questions on similar major topics, but other than that, there's not really any order to my answers.

(Planetx/Aek) How is your mom? How are the cats?
My Mum has met someone online and i think she's falling/fallen for him. He's just about the only thing she talks about. He lives in Melbourne, and they've already met up in real life and they got on pretty well. My Mum is the sort of person who got hurt a lot in her younger years and has therefore shut herself off from opening up in the later years. I'm hoping this works out, because if it doesn't, i don't think that shield will ever come down again.
The cats are fine. :P

(ST) Could you please post some more pics of your cats?
Sure lol.

(Seth) When you sit back and look at your place in the world, what do you think about?
Wanting to be somewhere else. Wanting to do something else. Wanting to be something different.

(Planetx) What is the one thing that you would change about yourself physically? What is the one thing that you would change about yourself non-physically?
Lose a bit of weight i guess. (just a bit :P) The things that i want to change mentally are things i'm already working on, and they're all related to my anxiety disorder.

(Tommy) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
For now, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

(Kevin W) What size shoes do you wear? (Jeremy) How long is your hair? o: (Anonymouses) Why do you like veggiemite? :( Why don't you want to post about pancakes!?
US 9, UK 8 1/2. If i pull my fringe down it touches my nose. :P Cos it's awesome. Cos they're not awesome.

(Aek) What's your favorite breakfast food?
Vegemite toast. nom

(Spastic) If the writing thing doesn't work out and you have to resort to porn, what would your porn star name be?
Oscar Jukes.

(Peter) When are you going to join the rest of the cool bloggers who are on Twitter? :P
When they join World of Warcraft, the definition of cool. d(^-^d)



(Aek) What're the top 5 countries you'd want to visit before you're 40?
USA and UK. I suppose if i had the money and time and opportunity to do so, maybe Japan and Italy and France.

(AJ) What is the one thing you want to do in life? (Daily Dan) What is the number one thing u feel like u need to do before u die? Will u marry me?
Have a partner.
I'd say yes even to just your hair. A cute guy attached is just an added bonus. :P

(Wkboy) How infinitely much do you love me? :P
Infinitely^(infinity).

(Anonymouses) What do you look for in a guy? Can you describe your ideal boyfriend?
Someone who makes me feel safe, comfortable, loved and accepted in every way.

(Anonymous) Have you spoken to Bitboy since you broke up? And do you think you'll stay friends?
Yes, occasionally. We've spoken on the phone twice and we exchange a couple of texts every few days. It used to be more often, but i got sick of always being the initiator. Probably, though it will be tough if he continues making little effort.

(Planetx) What is the best thing to come of the "Bitboy situation"?
Knowing that i am capable of being loved and being in a relationship, along with the intense happiness and pleasure i felt while he was here.
What is the worst?
My broken heart.

(Daniel) In your posts from way back you were saying that you were unlovable. Now, after your relationship with Bitboy, do you feel the same? Also do you think that having a relationship has "cured" your anxieties or do you still feel the need to go to a shrink?
See above. While having a boyfriend around definitely gave me a self-confidence boost, it certainly wasn't a fix-all solution. My anxieties were only pushed to the back of my mind, not out. Having said that, i do feel a lot better about my body now, and am a lot less preoccupied with my perceived imperfections.

(Planetx) For you, how important was the physical aspect vs the emotional aspect of your relationship?
Sex and love? Both were important, but they became the same. My love was intensified by my sexual attraction for him and the experiences we shared, and i've since discovered that i cannot have sex without that emotional aspect. But that's a whole other story. The love came first in our relationship and that was always the overwhelming factor, for me anyway.



(Anonymous) Top or bottom? ;) (Planetx) Did you pitch or catch or switch-hit? :P
I'm quite happy catching and have no plans on pitching any time soon.

(Planetx) How was your "first time"? Second time? Did it get better or worse over time?
He uhh, had trouble hitting the target. I fumbled the ball. I eventually got so tired i passed out. No one reached home base that night.
Second time was much better. We had a gameplan. Both teams scored.

Which did you enjoy more: giving or receiving oral?
Giving. What can i say. I love cock. :P And there's nothing i love more in the bedroom than pleasuring my top and making him moan with his head back...
Yeah didn't bother with the innuendo there. lol

Do you swallow?
I always had tissues next to me.

Bleugh.



(Anonymous) How did you become so popular?
That's a difficult question not to sound arrogant in. :P
There's no real proof that i'm popular. The large majority of my blog commenters know me personally online and talk to me regularly. Perhaps my views can be explained by others' attraction to perceived popularity. "Oh, this Mirrorboy gets lots of comments. Something good must be goin on here. Better have a look." You know. lol
Might be because i'm a good writer and people find it easy to engage with my posts.
Could be because i've blogged through a very tough and emotional year of my life and my readers were able to follow me on my journey.
Or perhaps it's because i've devoted my time and energy to helping others in every way possible and went to large efforts to actually bring this online community together and connect everyone...
Perhaps that's a question better answered by my readers. :P

(Kevin W) Is there someone new in your life after Bitboy? Are you less trusting of people you talk to online now?
No and double no. I met Bitboy and he was better than i ever expected him to be. That's not gonna make me less trusting. :P

(Planetx) How is your outlook on life different now than it was 11 months ago?
It's a lot more positive.
What are you doing in school right now?
Right now i'm sick with a cold. But when i'm not there's a lot of work.
How is your gay youth group going?
Haven't been in a while because i've had a lot on my mind. After a long Monday i just want to go home, not to the group, but i'll probly start going again soon.

(J) How's your diet? How's your mood? (Planetx) How are you doing, really?
My diet is pretty horrible. I'm not eating as much as i should be. I just find it hard to get motivated to cook for reasons related to my mood... which is pretty low most of the time. When i think about how much i miss Bitboy, which is a lot of the time, i get really sad, because i've lost what was probably the best thing in my life and can't get it back. What makes me feel worse is when he doesn't show that he cares about me. Or when i feel that he's getting on with his life fine while i'm still struggling. Anyways i'll be kay.

(Planetx) What do you hope to have accomplished in the next year? The next five years?
This year the one thing i've got to focus on is my school. My other goals are those of self-development. Within the next 5 years, i'll most likely have moved to Melbourne, and as long as that happens i'll be happy.
How is your story going? Will you ever post another 'Mboys words'?
Universes is unfinished and will probably remain that way for a long time. I need to improve my writing skills before embarking on another huge project like that if i'm ever going to be satisfied with the end result.
I wrote a short story about a personal experience last week and have been considering posting it on my writing blog, but i need to really think it through before i do that.



(Bianca) How often a day do you masturbate?
Bout twice. >_>

(Spastic) Favorite wank fantasy?
Anything where one boy is dominant of the other. O:

(Kyle) Hair: pits, chest and pubes; shaven, trimmed, or the wild thing?
I'll answer what i prefer on other people. :P
Pits, i don't care cos i don't spend any time there. Chest, well, i've never had an encounter with a hairy-chested boy my age so it doesn't really matter. :P Pubes, i prefer anything non-wild. lol
And all of those apply to what i prefer on myself anyway. (:
Glad you didn't ask about hair on heads. Don't wanna get me started on that. lol

(Aek) Describe yourself in 5 words?
Caring, self-conscious, thoughtful, bruised, resilient.
What're your top favorite video games?
Kirby Crystal Shards (N64), Paper Mario (N64), Paper Mario:TTYD (Gamecube). NOT Super Paper Mario. Eww. Uhh Super Smash Bros (Wii) and WoW. :P
If you could be any cartoon/video game hero, who would you be and why?
No one is cuter than Kirby. ^_^

(Spastic) Biggest failure? Biggest regret? Greatest accomplishment?
I can't think of a time i've epically failed. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but i wouldn't call them failures. Idk i can't think of anything. :P
I regret being so hard on myself.
My greatest accomplishment is overcoming the shit in my life to still be here today.



Bob's questions deserve their own category. :P

(Bob) 1. What is the biggest difference in you or how you see the world since that little scared 15 year old ventured into blogland and why?
2. At one time you had a teacher i believed named Ms. O, who you came to trust and admire, have you found another adult like her you can trust and lean on?
3. I know you are a keen cricket player :p. what is the guy who throws the ball towards the wickets called and what is the guy who catches the ball near the wickets called? (bet u wont answer this lol)
4. What are Australia's chances in the world cup and will you watch any of it?
5. For a while you were having some strange dreams. Have they gone away and can u describe a particular strange one?
6. As a person who lives by the coast what do you think of this huge oil spill in the gulf, should companies be allowed to even drill? and could you describe how such an oil spill would effect your town and life? ( i know it sounds like an essay question so like in one or two sentence is all)
7. How is your writing going or have you had time for it?
8. If you could like more like any other person in the world who would it be and why?
9. Is justin Beiber on your ipod? if so what song?
10. Music wise what singer or group do you believe is most aligned or seen as accepting and approved by the gay community?
11. What if any protests or events have u participated in with your youth group?
12. If you could live anywhere after graduating from school where would that be and why there?
13. Are you still baking?
14. I'll put this question in my own words cos it was long. :P
Now that you have experienced sex, are you happy you took the opportunity to do so or do you have any regrets? Do you think boys should wait until they are older or go for it when they want to (i'm guessing in their teens).
15. ok my pervy one lol are you still wanking every day?

1. I don't feel so alone now.
2. No, i haven't. People like her are rare and don't come along often.
3. I don't know. lol
4. I don't know. Absolutely not.
5. They haven't gone away. Last night i dreamt i was back at my old school in a class taught by none other than Mrs OC. :P I shot a girl with something like a blowpipe and Mrs OC got really angry. I was disappointed in myself and couldn't focus on my writing afterwards which was bad because it was a test. ):
6. I really don't know. I don't even know what the oil is for. No oil ships out here either. :P
7. Writing is hard when i have a murky mind.
8. Anyone outgoing.
9. No.
10. Umm Kylie Minogue? lol
11. Just that gay march i blogged about. :P
12. Melbourne, cos it's awesome.
13. Nope.
14. That's complicated. I've experienced loving sex and loveless sex and the second is something i have zero interest in repeating. I can't really give a generalised answer. It's up to an individual to decide if they wanna have sex or not, who with and at what age. The only thing i can advise is that you wait until you have found someone you care about and who cares about you, because that makes it a million times more enjoyable, and of course it's safer, and less, umm, emotionally damaging. At least for me anyways.
15. Yes, yes i am.



Too much thinking. My head hurts. I need to go watch tv and dumb down. =/

Oh Hai There.

Yes, hai. :P

I originally started this post at school, between classes, but then my class started. lol. So anyways, here i am at home finishing it. ^_^

I wanna apologize for not being around as much as i would like to have been. D: I know i said i wanted to be on msn more, and reply to emails quicker. Frankly, i've just been overwhelmed with school stress and homework. I'm not tryin to make excuses, but i am a 16yo doing schoolwork that 18yo's typically do. lol. I have (really, really freakin boring) books to read for English, The Catcher in the Rye for one. *barf* I had a speech to do on alternative energy the other day, boring as hell again. The Maths class i'm doing is going at lightspeed. I'm just rapidly churning out sheet after sheet of work, pages full of formulas and numbers and graphs and crap. Then there's the multiple projects i have to juggle for my other classes like Psychology and Outdoor Studies.

Anyways, not trying to make excuses... :P

I only had a look at my public email address inbox, for the first time in months, a few minutes ago. I have over 40 emails that need reading and replying to. -_- And i was expecting something like that, and that's why i've been putting it off. :P

Anyways, i have 2-week school holidays in a couple of weeks, so i'll try to get over that clog of emails in the next few weeks. I'll try to get msn more too. And by 'more', i mean more often than not at all. ^_^



SO, how is everyone? O: How's blogworld? Hopefully things haven't fallen apart without me. :P



In my own life, there's lots of school and that's about it.

Bitboy was supposed to come see me in early March, but his exams were rescheduled and rescheduled, so now he's booked a flight for April 12. I know i'm lucky to have a boyfriend and all, but man this is freakin hard. )': You want something so much but can't have it. D: And when Bboy sends me naughty things it's like going 'well here's your cake, BUT YOU CAN'T EAT IT'. lol.

And boy is it a yummy-looking (huge) cake. O_O lol :P

In other news, Bitboy quit WoW to focus on studying, which was 95% of our contact, so that majorly sucks. T_T



Anyways if you have any questions feel free to comment, but at least make it interesting. No boring-ass questions about how school is going and what my subjects are like and all that. :P

<3

Why I'm Leaving.

Well i said i'd post my reasons for leaving blogworld, and here they are.

I've always valued other people's wellbeing over my own. I've always been quick to bend over backwards to help someone else whenever i could.

The fact is, the more problems and issues of other people that i take on, the harder it gets for me. Things that weigh other people down get shifted onto me, and then i myself find it hard to cope, because it gets me down. And it isn't always a conscious thing. Our blogworld is here for people to post the ups and downs, and let's face it, most of us come here for support. It's not hard to come across a blog with someone having a tough time. Whenever i do that, i get involved, and i end up very emotionally invested in people. I've spent many hours writing emails of support and caring, and countless hours on msn talking to people going through their tough times.

So that's why i stopped reading blogs, why i rarely check my emails, and why i don't go on msn that much. Because i'm a 16 year old boy with his own problems, and i can't be everyone's psychologist.

I've come to the conclusion that i can't go on laying myself down in the mud for people to use as a stepping stone forever. While my efforts have been fruitful and i have helped a lot of people, i can't go on. If you milk a cow forever, eventually it's going to just give up and fall over and die. I have to look after myself as number 1, and that's advice from my psychologist. She said to me something like, "The first thing they tell you when you take on psychology, is to look after yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're not in a good state yourself." And i have been overwhelmed and i have taken on too much, many times. It's the reason why i had to keep taking 'breaks' from blogworld, with them growing longer and longer and more frequent.

So my psych said it shouldn't be up to me to save everyone. But i argued, if there was something, anything i could do, to make someone's life better, shouldn't i do it? Well her answer was, if it comes at the expense of my own wellbeing, no. And why is it my responsibility in the first place? At first i thought that was brutal, but i've come to realise how much it makes sense. If someone else's life sucks, it isn't my fault. It's fine to try and help how i can, but i can't string myself out for days on end trying to make their life perfect again. There's only so much a kid in Australia can do, and it's time to realise that fixing people's biggest problems shouldn't be my biggest priority.

I've done as much as i can here, in this community. It can't go on forever, and my time here is drawing to a very close end. I have to look after me, and my own problems. I have things in my own life i should be thinking about, not pushing them to the side to deal with other people's crap.



I hope i'm making sense. It is complicated, and it is a very, very tough decision for me to leave. But i think it's what is best for me. While it may not be the best for other people out there, when you really come down to it, my coming to this community has had a largely positive impact on many other people's lives, and that's a good thing, isn't it? I've made a difference, and now it's time to move on because i can't do it any more.

Yes, i think that makes more sense.



Anyways, i'm still yet to decide to what extent i will be leaving blogworld and its community. I realise that many of you have become very invested in me, and in the same way, i've made many good friends through my blog that i care about deeply, and i by no means intend to cut them off.

So, i'm certain i'll be leaving in one sense or another, but there is still much to be decided upon. Whether i'll make infrequent posts or not to let you know how i'm doing. Or if i'll keep reading the blogs of others to catch up on their lives. I may do neither, and just stick to contacting people through msn and emails. How much of each will be a good amount? I don't know yet.

But what i do know is that things have to change, because it's sending me downhill, and i've been waiting for that uphill for so goddamn long. Now that it's finally come, i do not intend to miss my chance to grab it with both hands



I hope my mixed metaphors throughout this post haven't confused anyone even more. :I

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

How I Met Bitboy.

(Sorry for the long post but it does have a rather strong point to it) :)

You know i've always been incredibly interested in how one small action can have huge implications. In fact i often find myself thinking 'where will this action or decision lead me in the future?' when i'm at a crossroads. It's why i strive do always be nice whenever i can, because you never know when a nice action can lead to a new friend.

I think the majority of my readers also came across me and my blog through internet searches or clicking random links. If you'd typed something a little different, clicked a link above or below, or not even been on the computer that day, you might not know i existed. And many of my blog readers are good friends that have enriched my life a lot.

Well on to the point of this post. It's how i met Bitboy.

Before i got WoW, i used to play this game called Knight Online. And it was a horrible game, utterly terrible, it was. Basically it was ruled by hackers and bots. The only way to level up was to find yourself a hacker to be in a group with. And then there were the bugs and glitches, and typos. Oh god, the typos. When what you were told to do was coherent enough to understand, there would be a glitch or two that made it impossible to do.

And the gameplay was bad enough too. There were warriors, mages, rogues and priests. You could only wear armour designed for your class, and the only decent stuff was so hard to get, only people who hacked or cheated to get money could buy it. The same goes for weapons. Even low levels could wield ridiculously overpowered weapons, if they had money, that is. And the music was the same goddamn track over and over and over again.



But i digress. One day while playing this horrible game, i entered an event and was put in a group with a mage called Weebs. He did his job well and saved my virtual ass many times. After the event was over i saw him back in town and said he did a good job, and he said i did as well (both with a smiley). Then we parted our separate ways.

I was in a group with someone doing a quest later, when i ran into him in another town. Weebs knew the person i was grouping with, so we all started talking. By the time the other person had left, me and Weebs were getting along quite well.

It was then that i found that Weebs was actually an Australian. We kept talking, and decided we would play together when we could. Later on, we were partying with an American who made some rather homophobic remarks. :P Meanwhile i am very much a hint-dropper. I guess i could explain it in that i try to get a read on a person's like or dislike of gays by making borderline sexual remarks or innuendo. Does that make sense? o_O Sometimes people will act positively, others will freak out at even the slightest hint of a hug.

Anyways it worked better than i expected. By the time we got back to the main town and were alone again, Weebs asked me 'are you bi?'. I replied with something like 'you're half right lol'. He'd picked up on my semi-obvious remarks, and when i told him i was gay, he in turn said he was bi. That's when i started to go like (O_O).

'Omg' i was thinking, 'he's Australian, he likes boys, and he's a teenager'. That's an incredible lot to have in common in a game in which the majority don't even speak English. 'AND HE'S NICE!'

Soon after, i showed him the address to my blog. Then our game conversations turned to MSN conversations. Within a few days of knowing each other, i was beginning to like him, a lot. And he liked me too. It got to the point where i would only bother playing the game to see him and have his 'company'.

When he said he wanted to leave Knight Online to go back to playing World of Warcraft, i decided i had no choice but to buy it and start playing it. Being around him, even online, made me so happy. We both made new characters, and went through the levelling process together. And let me just say, WoW is infinitely better than KO. :P

The rest is history.



The fact is, if i hadn't been playing Knight Online, on that day, at that time, and entered that event (meeting Weebs), and afterwards entered a group that lead me to a town in which Weebs was at at the same time, and having Weebs know the person i was grouping with, giving us a reason to talk more... I might not have had a boyfriend for 2 weeks, 2 weeks in which i was the happiest i've been for years.

That's why i'll always be thankful for that horrible game.

Questionnaire.

I've never done a questionnaire on my blog before, because i find them really annoying. :P

But this one had a few good questions, so i figured posting it would help make up for the lack of posts recently.

Also, honestly, i'm just bored out of my brain atm. :P



1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair, and i take ages to do it. :P

2. What colour is your favorite hoodie?
Brown and black.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
I haven't kissed anyone in years. Axly i can't remember ever kissing anyone.

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
Not really but i do have an idea of what pants i'm going to wear for the coming days, so i know when to have things washed.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Boreeeeeeeeddd.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
My shirt. It's red and pink.

7. The last dream you remember having?
It was about the characters of my story. It was pretty cool.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Yeah some guy at work exp. Dunno his name.

9. What are you craving right now?
Something i'm not gonna talk about. :P

10. Do you floss?
Nope.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Taxis.

12. Are you emotional?
Yes, very.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
I have a life.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Lick it. I like licking things. I make that no secret. :P

15. Do you like your hair?
It's too thick.

16. Do you like yourself?
Nope.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
No thanks.

18. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing. I guess i should put some music on. *puts Rock Star theme tune from Kirby on* :P

19. Are your parents strict?
Nope.

20. Would you go sky diving?
I'm scared of heights. So i wouldn't. But i am becoming more daring, so probably one day i would if i could.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Haven't tried it.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
No but i said hello to one on the phone. :P

23. Do you rent movies often?
Nope. Got no one to watch them with. I'd like to.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Yeah some crap of my Mum's. :P

25. How many countries have you visited?
None, apart from Australia, but that doesn't count as visiting.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
No, i'm a nice boy. :)

27. Ever been on a train?
Sure have and it was awful cos we kept getting delayed.

28. Brown or white eggs?
I've only tried white but i do like me some interracial. ^_^

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes and i couldn't live without it now.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Yeah sometimes.

31. Do you own a gun?
It's kind of illegal...

32. Can you use chop sticks?
No way. I'm much too clumsy.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Nobody, again.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Yes.

35. Ever been in love?
Yeah.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I dunno. lol

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Wtf are they?

38. Last time you cried?
A few days ago probly. It happens so much, i don't take notice of it any more. :P

39. What was the last question you asked?
Fish and chips for dinner?

40. Favorite time of the year?
School holidays.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Illegal much.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Nah i'm so not sarcastic. *sarcasm*

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No but i base most of my life around it.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Most likely.

45. Favorite color?
Pink.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Nope.

47. Is your hair curly?
No it's wavy.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Uhm can't remember. It's been a while.

49. Do looks matter?
Not to me.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
No.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
No. :P

52. Do you like your life right now?
It's getting better and i'm happy with that. It's been a lot worse. :P

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Only if i fall asleep not on purpose.

54. Can you handle the truth?
If i'm better off not knowing, then i don't wanna know, unless i can help.

55. Do you have good vision?
I wear glasses and contacts. Not at the same time tho. :P

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I could name a dozen.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Depends how busy i am.

58. The last person you held hands with?
I don't think i've ever 'held hands' but my grandma held my hand when i was crying in the car after my last psych appointment.

59. What are you wearing?
Pants, undies, shirt.

60.What is your favorite animal?
Kitties. ^_^

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
In my backyard. :P

62. Can you hula hoop?
No. :P

63. Do you have a job?
I do work experience at the radio station. :P

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
A drink on my way home from school. It's part of my treatment for my SAD.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yeah when i was little and me and Mum were locked out of the house. She made me go through the laundry window, and i hurt myself bad doing it. :S

Welcome To My Bedroom Of EVIL.

Rather than try to fix all the paragraphs when putting in comments on each pic, i included captions with each picture. You may need to click each one to see the bigger version and read what i said. :)

Birthday.

Happy Blog-Birthday Mirrorboy.

Thank you so much to everyone who's been my friend and supported me over the last 12 months. I can't begin to describe how much it, and all of you, mean to me.

I've come a long way. I almost didn't make it, but somehow i did. And now life is finally starting to look up for me.

The exposure treatment for my S.A.D with my psychologists is working. I'm more comfortable in social situations, i can do things on my own more, and my anxiety is generally lower than before.

My school is going well. The schoolwork is going fine, although i did get heaps of homework today. :P

I'm talking to the people in class, and most of them are quite nice. In fact they surprised me the other day. For the speech we had to do in English on a controversial topic, one of the girls chose same-sex marriage (she was for it btw). As usual, we discussed it afterwards, and the people are actually pretty accepting. I was quite proud of them to be honest. :)

I also heard back from the radio station today. They accepted my application and in 3 weeks i'll be doing work experience there.

On top of that, today was the last day of term, so i get a 2-week break from school. :D

The layout of the blog has changed. The blog links are updated. And a big thank you to deejohn for the bday present (the blog header). :)

And massive thanks to all of you for your continued support and love!

Memorable Moments #2

March. It was early in the month, when i celebrated 150,000 views, that i started up my other 2 blogs, Secret Project (co-owned with Jake) which was basically boy pics, and Mirrorboy's Words, on which i posted excerpts from my story

2 days later, i started seeing my psychologists (thank God they came into my life). I had a bit of support in my life now, but school was still really hard.

At the end of March, i posted the interview that Col had done with me, and it provides a bit of insight into my life.

April. The 8th, and i was getting ready for my trip to Melbourne, the state's capital city. Not only was it my first holiday, but it showed me that there was a life outside of my crappy, small-minded town. I could at least look forward to the day when i finally leave.

And i had photos. :P

During April was the time i stopped attending school. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it had all become too much. My Mum knew she couldn't keep sending me, so i just stopped going. I didn't make a post about it though, because frankly, it was private.

May. Not much happened in May. I continued not going to school, and instead focusing on trying to get better by working with my psychologists. I also kept going to my gay youth group.

The 22nd was my birthday. I got some really nice bday wishes from my online friends. :) Other than that it was a pretty crappy day. lol

2 days later, i explained everything about school, and life, and i told you about my disorders. I also said that tomorrow i would be starting at a new school (which is my current one). My first day wasn't bad, although i was expectedly nervous.

With a lot on my mind, i took a break from blogging and didn't return until mid-June.

June. I included a post about the kinds of things we get up to at my youth group.

By the 19th, things were starting to get back on track for me, thankfully.

June also had a Q&A post about me, and if you're interested, i showed you pics of where i blog from.

July. My school hours increased. I was also going through a lot of ups and downs. Life was pretty unstable as i juggled blogging with school and my disorders. I used my blog to vent when i needed to.

I also posted some pics of the beach in my city.

At least things were on the up, now.

August. I was busy, and that was good. Inadvertently, i was also being more positive. Things were starting to improve.

And now September. There's not much point in looking back on this month. :P

But i will say, the past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Every single day, things get better for me. Living gets easier.

The time between now and a year ago almost killed me, literally. But i've survived. I've got the scars in my mind and bruises on my soul, but i made it, thanks in no small part to all of you who supported me.

Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

The Ball Started Rolling.

My first ever comment was from Jake Annonymous. He found me after i left a comment on his blog, which back then was called Boys Best Official. I think he made a post about not getting many comments, and i left a comment saying i got none. lol

I think we exchanged a few emails soon after that. Then we linked our blogs, and we followed what happened on the other's blog and commented sometimes.

That was really where it all started. Jake already had an audience, so with my blog link in his sidebar, i started getting a slow trickle of readers, and a few commenters.

I also made a couple friends on msn (the first was Lach) after they found me from Jake's blog. To me that was amazing. I finally could talk to people and be myself.

All of that was a big boost, in the way that it also gave me confidence that my blog could go somewhere. So i started emailing other bloggers hoping for links. Most of them simply didn't reply, but a few did. I got a few more linkers, and so more readers and commenters. I didn't feel like the effort i was putting into posts was wasted anymore.



Something that always really intrigues me is how one small action can have huge effects later on. If i hadn't found Jake's blog, and been linked and supported, many of you probably wouldn't be reading today. Lach, who was the first person to add me on msn, found me through Jake's blog. When i went to Melbourne back in April this year, Lach was the friend i met and hung out with.

There's more tomorrow. :)

On The 17th Of September...

Mirrorboy and Mirrorboy's Blog turn 1!!

On the 17 of September, 2008, i nervously made my first post. I really didn't have any idea how blogs worked. I didn't know how to link blogs or change colours or anything. I didn't think i'd ever 'make it' in the blog world. It seemed so distant, and frankly unimaginable. It seemed like there were blogs out there full of people who knew what they were doing, while i was clueless.

So i made that first post, right before my Mum came home from work. Then it was my dirty little secret.

This was my first post.

///
So... This is it huh? Who knows what adventures lay ahead for me and my blog in the days ahead... Hopefully i can make you laugh. Hopefully i can make you think. Hopefully you don't get bored with me O_O
This blog is going to be about me and what i think, so i'll give you the quick rundown about me.
I'm 15 years old. I live in Australia. I'm gay and mostly not 'out'. I'm an only child with a single parent. I want so badly to be a creative writer and am working on some books now.
Like me so far? If not, leave. :) (I was worried people would abuse me)
If you come back once i've started proper publishing you'll get to know a lot more about me. I hope you do, cos it will make a lonely boy very happy. :D
Thanks.
///



It makes me quite angry that people seem to think that Mirrorboy, I, had it easy in blogworld.

In the whole month of september... i made 17 nervous posts.

I didn't get a single comment until the 27th of September.

In the whole month i got 6 comments, from about 3 people.

It's funny when i see new bloggers, who might get about a dozen comments a post, complaining about not getting as many comments as me. Yet when i started i got barely any, not even a single one for 10 days.

When i started, this gay/bi blog community of ours simply did not exist. There were no bloggers to ask for help. There were no people to link with and be plugged by and supported. There were no examples to follow. I was on my own. I really did have to build me and my blog up from scratch.



I thought to get people to read i had to make short posts, talk about amusing things and mix it up with funny videos and pictures of cute boys. Every post was a conscious effort to try to draw people in.

I was still finding my feet. I wasn't sure where i was headed, but i was still travelling.

Strangely, although hardly anyone read or cared, i never thought of giving up. And i'm glad i didn't.



Starting a blog was basically a cry for help. I was a lonely gay kid. I had no gay friends in the slightest. I was existing in a world that didn't even want me. I had no one to talk to about what i was going through, and i was as alone as possible.

The reason i started was to reach out. I wanted to meet some gay people who i could talk to. I wanted to feel like i belonged.

My blog is a success.



For the rest of this week, leading up to Mirrorboy's Birthday, i've decided i'm going to celebrate on my blog. At first i felt like dedicating a whole week of posts on my blog to my own blog was a bit over-the-top. But you know what, considering this blog has had an enormous effect on me and everything about me, i think it's justified.

Stay tuned for tomorrow and i'll continue my story. :)

'Sup Me?

Oh hai y'all. ^_^

I haven't got that much to post about. Life is going pretty steady for me at the moment. I'm keeping it together pretty well, which is a change. lol. A nice one.

Though if life was turning to shit then i'd have something to post about. :P

- Haven't heard anything back about the jobs yet. It's no biggie though. I'm sure i'll find something soon so don't feel the need to comfort me. :P

- School is going okay. Lots of work to do but i can deal with that. It's a million times better than the other place i used to go to. 'Twas a school but i see it as more of a hellhole. :P But yeah things are going okay there.

- Practicing exposure with my psychologists. Now instead of sitting in a room talking about stuff we go out to a cafe or something and do it there. It's like, because being in social places makes me anxious and stuff, in a way it's trying to get me used to the situation. Also have to find a nice thing to say about myself every time i look in the mirror. That's hard to do though. Anyways they're really nice people. They probably know more about me deep down and what goes on in my head than anyone else. It's hard to explain what a difference they've made in my life so far, so i won't even try. But they're great. :)

Everything else that i care to think about is going okay. I've got school and homework during the week and i spend my spare time relaxing. Sounds like a decent plan aye lol.



On the blog side of things, well. Idk. Blogging has become way too high maintenance. I only read blogs that catch my eye now, and i only comment if i've got something important and/or witty to say. lol. There's just too many links in that sidebar to give everyone some of my time. I try to catch up with everyone on msn though.

I'm hoping i don't scare you all off talking to me now. lol. People seem to get the impression that i've got more important things to do than care about what's going on with them. That's untrue.
I just can't sit here for hours reading and commenting on dozens of blog posts. I still love talking to people on msn and i consider many of you good friends, and i'm still up for meeting new people (always am). :)

Hope everyone is doing okay. *love*



Because i'm doing okay for once some cataclysm is probably around the corner. lol