More Endings.

Well, surprisingly, today was my last psychologist appointment, and likely the last time i'll see her. She gave me a folder of worksheets and resources that i've used in the past, and the closure documentation is in the mail. And that's that.

It came as a shock to me as i didn't expect today to be the last day, but i guess it makes sense as i didn't really have much to talk about any more, and the stuff that i did, was all positive. The fact that it was such a shock could contribute to me not being too upset or worried, but i think i'll genuinely be okay on my own. And if i'm not, there's plan Bs and Cs.



Reece went home six days ago. Things are harder than i anticipated they would be without him. Having him here made even the most boring of things fun and enjoyable. Every day was awesome with him here, and now they're just... alright.

We're hoping to have him come back sometime around Christmas, and then i'll visit him sometime next year, assuming we're still together. :P



And school. I've been doing mad revision for Maths and English the past few weeks. It's been test exams and revision every day. The end-of-year, end-of-school final exams are only a week away now, the most important ones i've ever done, so things are pretty intense at school.

Before you get excited tho, let me remind you that i'm doing year 11 and 12 of school at the same time, over 2 years, as i'm year 11 age but advanced at doing Maths and English, so i'm doing the year 12 subjects of those. So this won't be my final year of school. I'll be back next year to do a few more year 12s.



But things are good. Mostly good. :)

Beginnings and Endings.

Well, school is done for the term. I'm on my 2 week break now. ^_^ However once the next term starts (because it's year 12) i'll be doing insane revision and solid prep for the end-of-year uber-important exams. o_o

In other news, when i saw my psychologist the other day she told me that she thinks it might be time for me to stop going to see her. I've learnt a lot of skills and gained a lot of knowledge about how i work so it might be time for me to try and make it on my own.

I've gotta admit, the idea kind of freaks me out. As long as i've had her, no problem has ever been unsolvable. Nothing has been off limits and I could talk to her about things that to anyone else in my life would sound insane. She's helped me infinitely in so many areas of my life that i'd struggled with sometimes for such a long time, to such a degree that i couldn't even begin to explain.

...I think i'll be okay.

I hope so.



On a happier note, things are going swell with Reece and I. He gets here tomorrow at 4:30. I'm nervous as heck and stressed as hell.

But also excited. ^_^

Still Here. :P

It's only been a couple weeks but i figured i should post an update. Hopefully people still axly read this thing. >_> lol

I've started a new kind of treatment with my psychologist called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It's about mindfulness and accepting the shit in your life and the things that you have trouble with, and rather than struggling with it and trying to fix it, you accept it and let it wash over you without fighting it and get on with what's important to you.

From Wikipedia (So it must be true :P)...

"As a simple way to summarize the model, ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the acronym, FEAR:

Fusion with your thoughts
Evaluation of experience
Avoidance of your experience
Reason giving for your behaviour

And the healthy alternative is to ACT:

Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

"ACT commonly employs six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:

Cognitive defusion: Learning to perceive thoughts, images, emotions, and memories as what they are, not what they appear to be.
Acceptance: Allowing them to come and go without struggling with them.
Contact with the present moment: Awareness of the here and now, experienced with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
Observing the self: Accessing a transcendent sense of self, a continuity of consciousness which is unchanging.
Values: Discovering what is most important to one's true self.
Committed action: Setting goals according to values and carrying them out responsibly."

If you're aware of your thoughts, you can't be your thoughts.

Obviously there's a lot more involved than what i wrote but that's the main aspect. :P

I like it a lot so far. One thing it has helped me with a lot is my writing. Writing is the thing i value most in my life right now, and i'd barely been writing much at all for a long period of time. It's helped me to get over my perfectionism and just get stuff down on a page. So that's awesome. :3 And of course it's helping with the anxiety too. We've tried a lot of different techniques in the past and this is the one that i think most fits with me.

A'ight well that's one aspect of my life caught up on. I might post about my writing in the next couple of days if anyone cares. :P

And i've got other stuff to post about too so see you soon. (:

Don't forget you can follow me on Twitter now. :3

<3

Buying Presents on Christmas Eve. :D

Not very fun at all. O_O



Soooo what's up with me? Well i've been trying to keep in contact with Bboy any way i can. We talk, and text, and play WoW together when we can. It was a lot harder going back to being alone once he left than i thought it would be. But regular contact with him makes it a bit easier.

I've been doing a lot of homework from my psych. Apparently most of the issues i have revolve around my low self-esteem, so that's what i'm working on.

I'm also trying to feel more. After i've been hurt so much in the past, i've become a very protective person. I shield myself to stop myself from being hurt again. In the process, i've shut out the good and the bad, so my emotions have become quite dulled. But again, i'm working on that too. I have to do this thing where i choose an event, and then list all the feelings i felt, and the thoughts associated with each feeling. It was quite fun axly. :)

I could go into SO much detail about my psych stuff but you'd all get bored. :P



In other news, i obviously haven't been around blogworld for a while now: not reading many other blogs, not commenting, not going on msn much etc. I think it's quite apparent to all of us that i'm not going to be around the blogosphere for much longer. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew so that it isn't a surprise when i leave for good one day. :)

Rest assured that doesn't mean you won't hear from me again. I'll still use msn and reply to emails and such. In fact without my blog i'll probly be able to do that more often. When i leave i'll be sure to leave my contact details for anyone who wishes to get in touch.



Anyways i've gotta go wrap my Mum's presents before she gets home.

Merry Christmas everyone. <3



Btw i've got an important post planned for the end of they year. :O

Goodbye. :'(

Today was my last session with my psychologist, so i'll never see her again. Unfortunately for the majority of the session, i was in tears and could hardly speak, so it was a pretty sucky time.

My other psych said it might be a good idea to write the one that's leaving a letter, so i can get a bit of closure. So i'll probably do that sometime this week. Not today, cos i'll start crying again, and i really don't want to start crying again.

Just so you know, yeah, i have 2 psychologists. I won't be keeping in contact with the one that's leaving. And after she's gone, i'll only be seeing the one. The one's that's leaving is the one i was closest to, because she was the one who... ran the sessions i guess. The other one was there to observe and give ideas.

K that's about all i want to say right now. As you might guess, it's hard to write about.

I Are Sadness.

I found out today that one of my psychologists is leaving.

This is someone that knows more about me than anyone else on earth. I've told her about the most personal things in my life. She's helped me through the hardest stuff imaginable. I could talk to her about anything. She helped me work through my disorders. She's literally changed my life. Without my psychs i would still feel like a freak. Most likely, i would be dead. Now i'm going to have to say goodbye.

I had tears streaming down my face once i'd gotten in the car. I've been crying on and off since the appointment. *wipes tears so he can see the keyboard* I'm about to break down right now. I don't know where things are going to go from here. For the past months my life has revolved around her words.

K i'm gonna have to stop now this is too hard.

'Sup Me?

Oh hai y'all. ^_^

I haven't got that much to post about. Life is going pretty steady for me at the moment. I'm keeping it together pretty well, which is a change. lol. A nice one.

Though if life was turning to shit then i'd have something to post about. :P

- Haven't heard anything back about the jobs yet. It's no biggie though. I'm sure i'll find something soon so don't feel the need to comfort me. :P

- School is going okay. Lots of work to do but i can deal with that. It's a million times better than the other place i used to go to. 'Twas a school but i see it as more of a hellhole. :P But yeah things are going okay there.

- Practicing exposure with my psychologists. Now instead of sitting in a room talking about stuff we go out to a cafe or something and do it there. It's like, because being in social places makes me anxious and stuff, in a way it's trying to get me used to the situation. Also have to find a nice thing to say about myself every time i look in the mirror. That's hard to do though. Anyways they're really nice people. They probably know more about me deep down and what goes on in my head than anyone else. It's hard to explain what a difference they've made in my life so far, so i won't even try. But they're great. :)

Everything else that i care to think about is going okay. I've got school and homework during the week and i spend my spare time relaxing. Sounds like a decent plan aye lol.



On the blog side of things, well. Idk. Blogging has become way too high maintenance. I only read blogs that catch my eye now, and i only comment if i've got something important and/or witty to say. lol. There's just too many links in that sidebar to give everyone some of my time. I try to catch up with everyone on msn though.

I'm hoping i don't scare you all off talking to me now. lol. People seem to get the impression that i've got more important things to do than care about what's going on with them. That's untrue.
I just can't sit here for hours reading and commenting on dozens of blog posts. I still love talking to people on msn and i consider many of you good friends, and i'm still up for meeting new people (always am). :)

Hope everyone is doing okay. *love*



Because i'm doing okay for once some cataclysm is probably around the corner. lol

Crap Week.

I've been a bit down this week... Well more than a 'bit' down actually. I think i've had shit coming at me from all directions and it has broken through my defenses. My nights are quite sad. My days are quite stressful. The bad mood only brings with it more bad thoughts about myself, which add to the problem. As the weekend approaches i can only hope that the new week brings with it some solutions and a happier frame of mind.

Sorry i guess i'm not making much sense. :P

I've identified with my psychologists that when i'm happier i feel better about myself. When i'm in a worse mood, i see myself in a worse light. When i looked in the mirror this morning i definitely didn't like what i saw (probably due to my worse self-image because i was having a bad time), which resulted in me having a pretty crap day (and making things worse). It snowballs, until something breaks the reaction.

Things had better start getting better around here soon.

Sorry to those owners of blogs that i haven't kept up with recently. I'll try to have a read during the weekend when i get time. Also sorry that i haven't posted to my Words Blog (not that anybody noticed/cares). Each post takes a huge amount of effort and i don't receive as much feedback as i'd like (which is the reason i post) to make it worth it. I usually have to beg.

Anyways i'll shut up now.

love

I'm ok, btw.

Peoples have been asking how i'm doing after my break. Well, i'm doing okay. lol

My new 'school' is going well. It's soooo much better here than at my old school. Thinking back on what things were like for me there, and what i went through... so much pain, it really is a wonder that i didn't suicide. I guess i really am stronger than i think. But i'm pretty sure what happened there has f'ed me up pretty bad emotionally. It's quite obvious that the mental issues i have to deal with daily now, are a result of the crap i endured there.

But that's what psychologists are for. :)

And i'm going to a different place now, and it's much better. So i try not to think about the past.

Everything else is going okay. After a long period of stress, for once, i don't have anything major on my mind to upset me.

School is okay. My bloglife is getting back to normal. Online friendships and such are settled. I'm working on losing weight. My cats are fine. I found my iPod after i thought i'd lost it (and was freaking out, but it was in the pocket of my shorts in my wardrobe :P). I'm working on self-esteem and such with my psychologists. Money isn't a problem at the moment. etc etc.

Things are going okay, and in my life, that's unusual, but good. :)

Thanks to everyone who cared. :)

love

Apparently I Get Tuesdays Off As Well.

Woke up this morning, and as per usual, went back to sleep for half an hour before i got out of bed. Had my shower and washed my hair. Got out and dried myself. Put on my shirt and jumper. Went back to the bathroom and looked at (picked on) myself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes. Gelled my my hair, put in my contacts, brushed my teeth. Put on my jeans and had breakfast. Grabbed my mobile, iPod, wallet, tissues, keys, lunch, and got into my Grandma's car. We went down to school, and, as per usual, could not find a park. Headed inside the school and up the 2 flights of steps and went to the year 10 office.

And there i was informed that i don't have any classes today. lol

But while i was there i got my classes sorted out. I get Tuesdays and Fridays off. Mondays 9am-1pm. Wednesdays 9am-11am. Thursdays 9am-1pm. It's because i'm coming in halfway through the term, that some of the classes just weren't suitable.

It's a good thing (not just cos i get free time etc etc.) but this will help ease me back into a situation that was quite traumatic for me before.

1st semester ends in 5 or so weeks, and after that my hours at school will go up. eg. monday will turn into a 9am-4pm day.



Had my psych appointment today. We're working on how i see myself. Why i focus on all the bad things and struggle to find good things about myself. Why i hate everything about my body, and other fun stuff like that. I'm incredibly negative about myself. I make derogatory comments about myself all the time without even realising it. I think working with the psychologists will help me.

If it doesn't, i'm fucked. lol

But anyways. I've held it together for this long. I'm a fighter.

Still nervous about tomorrow.

love

Psychologist Fun Times.

*EDIT: They're psychologists, not psychiatrists. Sorry. :/*

So i went to see 2 psychologists today with my Mum. fun fun

It's nothing bad, in fact it's good, i think.

I need help in how i'm dealing with the crap i have to go through. They're going to help me with my anxiousness and coping with stress, and how i feel about myself etc.

With a bit of help i might feel better about myself and things said/done to me won't affect me so much. I might not get so stressed and anxious and have such trouble facing the day, every day.

It'll take a few weeks to make any progress cos i'm going to go for another appointment in a week by myself, and then they're going to do one with my Mum, and then another with the both of us again, before they give me some strategies.

Anyways, wish me luck. I'm a bit of a mess in life. lol

At least you can't say i've given up. :)



I'll try to get around to posting something on my other blog sometime this weekend. I've just gotta figure out what to post first. I could either start with explaining the story, or why i write, or talking about characters, or i could just start by posting a few random excerpts that i like... I dunno.

Anyways, i'm gonna have an early, relaxing night in my room watching TV.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/124154

love.