My Other Love.

Tweet 1, last night: He's (Bitboy) an insensitive and confusing asshole. I hate him... So why can't i stop thinking about him every minute? )':

Tweet 2, soon after: God i really need to make some changes to my life. Things can't continue like this -.-

Tweet 3, today during lunch break: There's 2 loves of my life: Bitboy and writing. There's a hole in my soul that won't stop hurting. It's time to reclaim one.

Who would have thought Twitter would help me make important life decisions? :P

Ever since my traumatic school experience, i stopped my beloved writing. I couldn't concentrate because i was just so upset all the time. Then as time progressed and things improved, i'd look back on my half-finished novel and nitpick everything that was wrong or imperfect about it. I continually demotivated myself every time i sat down and looked at the 500 pages of Word documents in front of me, and eventually stopped writing altogether.



Paraphrasing my psychologist: "Sometimes when you don't feel you can do something is when you need to do it the most".

The number one thing i'm most proud of in my life is my writing. It's kept me going in ways i can't even begin to explain. It's been gone from my life for a long time and now i need to take it back, because, frankly, i have no motivation to exist any more. I need something to hang on to, to keep me going.

A couple weeks ago i started a 'Writing Book'. The first thing i wrote in it was the last post that i made on my Words Blog. Since then i've made the first page the 'rules page'. Yes, because my freakin perfectionism kept getting in the way of what i want to do, i've axly had to set rules for the book.

eg. Don't force myself to write, no crossing out, no hesitation (write what comes into my head), nothing is off-limits, nothing needs to be finished, what i write doesn't have to resemble any form of writing (story, poem etc), it doesn't have to make sense... In other words, stop trying to be perfect.

I've heeded my rules and the next thing i decided to write was a guide to oral sex. :P It's unfinished, too, and that's not a problem. The next page is bitching about Bitboy, and then a page of nonsense words, just immediately writing down whatever came into my head - axly an exercise that Mrs OC recommended in an English class once.



What i think i'm going to do in the near future is write down everything that my novel lacks. eg. A timeline, a developing relationship, an organised plot, complex emotion, etc. Then i'm going to try writing a short story for each element, involving it in some way. If i'm going to write a novel one day, and be happy with it, i can't be learning how to write its components as i write the actual thing.



My life is empty, and meaningless right now for me. When i had Bitboy, i had purpose, i had focus, i had a future. Bitboy is gone now, and those things went with him.

I may not be able to get him back, but i'm sure as hell going to reclaim those things, through other means.

I don't have any other choice.

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

Break-ity Break-oo.

So i've had an unmentioned short break, which i'm now semi-back from... o_O

I'm doing okay, considering the circumstances. I've been tear-free for a few days, but still not i-feel-sick-in-my-heart-free.

Anyways i'll be alright, probably.

Although it wasn't really the best time, me being on a break and all, a few new bloggers have contacted me because they've just started up. :P

So go check them out and give them some support or i will **** your *** **** so *****!!!
*angry face*

Mimpy's Mind

StandBy

My Gay Teen Life



OH by the way, a big thank you to everyone for their support. <3

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

Psychologist Fun Times.

*EDIT: They're psychologists, not psychiatrists. Sorry. :/*

So i went to see 2 psychologists today with my Mum. fun fun

It's nothing bad, in fact it's good, i think.

I need help in how i'm dealing with the crap i have to go through. They're going to help me with my anxiousness and coping with stress, and how i feel about myself etc.

With a bit of help i might feel better about myself and things said/done to me won't affect me so much. I might not get so stressed and anxious and have such trouble facing the day, every day.

It'll take a few weeks to make any progress cos i'm going to go for another appointment in a week by myself, and then they're going to do one with my Mum, and then another with the both of us again, before they give me some strategies.

Anyways, wish me luck. I'm a bit of a mess in life. lol

At least you can't say i've given up. :)



I'll try to get around to posting something on my other blog sometime this weekend. I've just gotta figure out what to post first. I could either start with explaining the story, or why i write, or talking about characters, or i could just start by posting a few random excerpts that i like... I dunno.

Anyways, i'm gonna have an early, relaxing night in my room watching TV.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/124154

love.

Can't just ignore your troubles.

Yes, life does suck. But did i not say i'm doing my best to change that? :)

Since my last post, i've told my Mum about my hard time at school. My school knows about my situation now too, as well as some of my teachers. I've talked to the school counsellor and the school chaplain, as well as a woman from youth services who sometimes visits the school.

I've been in contact with the gay youth group, or whatever it is, in my city, and i'm getting ready to go there sometime soon as well.

If things haven't gotten better by May, when i turn 16, as a last resort Mum says i'll be able to leave the school and do the rest of my learning at this other college place thingy in my city.

So i'm not sitting idly by and wallowing in my sadness. I am still being strong, as hard as it is to do so.



(Just so you don't go 'Ugh... I thought you were stronger than that, MBoy...')

I'm hangin in there. It's all i can do.



On another note. Send your love and prayers to us Aussies as our country, and my own state, burns, suffering our worst peace-time disaster ever.

By the way, as i'm on the coast, you don't have to worry about my safety. Just letting you know.



Anyways, i'm doing my best to get through my own disaster, and thanks (to most of you) for all your support so far.

One day down...

First of all, my head hurts.

Second, i had a pretty shit day, but that was to be expected. No horrible tragedies occured thankfully. Nothing spirit-shattering. My form class is okay. There's a few not so nice people and a few nice people as well, which is obviously a good thing.

There was so much going on i guess people weren't interested in me today. heh

By the first 2 periods, we'd been told about the coordinators and locations, then sent to our form rooms (a form is like the class we're in for basic subjects like English, and a form room is where our class goes for meetings and stuff) where we found out who our teacher was and the roll was marked, then there was a senior school assembly with our principal. Then we went back to our form rooms and were given our planners (like student diaries), and then were shown to our lockers where we put our stuff. Then we went back to our form rooms where we discussed the rules and expectations etc.

So much info at once on the first day.

Periods 3 and 4 i had double French with our new teacher. She's pretty cool and it's a nice class. The only bad thing is that French is just... so... fucking... hard. Then we got homework.

Homework... on the first day from my first class.

For a test next week i have to remember the irregular past participles of...

étré, rire, sourire, suffire, suivre, acquérir, conquérir, mettre, prendre, apprendre, comprendre, surprendre, reprendre, dire, écrire, décrire, conduire, construire, cuire and détruire.

For every one of those words, there is an irregular past participle... étré becomes été, acquire becomes acquis, dire becomes dit etc.

Ugh. French is hard... Francais est très difficile... or something... :/

But then i had advanced maths for periods 5 and 6.

In those two periods, on the first day ffs, we were introduced to surds. At the start, we had no idea what they were, and by the end, we were doing problems like 'simplify 6√5 - √3 + √5 - 3√3'

And we did 3 pages of maths work. I has headache.

That was only 2 classes, and i already thought French and Maths would be the best classes. Tomorrow i'll find out about some of the others, like Architecture. From what i remember from orientation last year, Architecture is going to suck.

But i survived the day. I'm still alive. Unfortunately i feel sick and tired. I guess it wasn't a good idea staying up til 1am to watch the tennis last night... but i couldn't get to sleep because Rafael Nadal *sigh* was playing the men's single final against Roger Federer *shakes fist*. I couldn't sleep until i knew who won.

Rafael Nadal won. So i went to sleep a little bit happy.

Now, it's time to rest. Ugh.

Still here.

While i don't really feel like posting right now, i feel obligated because i realise you're all worried about me, so here i am.



First of all, although my last post was a bit intense, i do hope that none of you got the impression that i was going to hurt myself. I can promise you all that i would never ever do that.

The main reason is because recently i've listened to someone i love deeply, talking about killing themselves. If this person were to go through with it i would be utterly heartbroken for the rest of my life, so i can understand how much of an impact it would have on my friends.

Do not worry. I will never hurt myself.



Now that's out of the way...

With the deletion of this blog in mind... well... i still have a lot of thinking to do. I'm still not sure what to do, because i have strong reasons to keep it, and yet also strong reasons to delete it.

So, if i do decide to delete it sometime soon, i hope you'll all understand that it would be a necessary thing to do, where i have no other choice, or the risk of keeping it would be too great.



Let's hope it does not come to that, because in the past few days i have received some of the most personal and moving emails i have ever read, from some people who i obviously mean something to.

I cannot think of anything else to say to you all other than thank you. That goes for my commenters too. Your support means a lot and your encouragement has helped me a lot recently. I don't know what i would do without you...



On a lighter note, today was the last day of school for the year.

And now i get a six week break from it all... and that is exactly what i need. Without a break i would just... well... i'm sure you get the idea...

The stress was killing me. I couldn't focus on my story-writing. I didn't feel like posting or talking because my mind was too worried. I couldn't sleep at night because i couldn't shut off my mind. I didn't feel like eating some days. My body was feeling the effects of continual stress. Comfort food was becoming my best friend again after a long time without it...

Hopefully now i can flick the switch and send all of those in the opposite direction.



At least we know what the problem is - being stuck here in this small-minded town, at my school, with these people.

One day i will get out of here, and the sooner the better. Although it's pretty hard to be positive when you know you still have to live 3 more years of your sentence before you taste the sweetness of the outside world.



Well, this is what's going on in my life in case you're still interested, seeing as my 'life' part of the blog had to take a backseat while a few other issues came to the surface.

I just finished year 9. On Monday and Wednesday we had our first taste of year 10 classes. We had some year 10 teachers and they told us about what we'd be doing next year. We also saw who we would be having for our electives.

Maths seems like it will be... interesting. I'm in the higher levels so i'll be doing harder stuff, and that also means i need to buy a $200 calculator. :D

Just what i always wanted...

For English we'll be reading a book by Shakespeare omg lame...

I had some periods of my 4 electives as well.

We have a different French teacher next year, and she's going to be so different to what we're used to because this one speaks French almost all the time whereas our old one spoke not so much. She seems like a really nice, funny person though and the class is a nice class. :)

Although she's already given us holiday homework. :/

*says something smart in French ahhh i can't be bothered....

Architecture seems a little less boring than i thought it would be, although the class is a pretty crap one so i wonder if i'll actually learn anything...

We have one of the coolest teachers for Computer Programming. He's really nice and funny. He says that next year we'll be learning about computer code and making flash games so that sounds... interesting...

The one i was most interested in though, was of course, Creative Writing. When i first heard who was teaching it, well, let's just say i was a little apprehensive...

(Her voice is so whiney!!)

But she seems to know what she is doing. She can describe a piece of chocolate and make it sound more interesting than a bank-robbery.

Apparently we have to hand in a piece of written work every single week... so... that's going to be hard, but as a writer, if i can't do it, then what hope do the rest of us have? :P



I got my School Report today.

Oh God i was not looking forward to this...

Like i expected, a lot of the comments said i missed deadlines and stuff. (Well, i guess i may have been a little distracted lately... I can't help it).

All of the subjects had A-E ratings depending on how well you did.

C is where year 9 students are supposed to be. E is well below the expected standard and A is well above...

Out of all my subjects i got 23 C's, 5 B's and 1 A.

What was the A for?

Well, the writing section of English of course. So i'm very proud of myself because i don't think i've gotten an A in years. :)

Applaud now.



There is more to me than school though, although it feels easy to forget sometimes.

For Christmas, my Mum says she will get me contact lenses!! OMG yes i've wanted them for so long!! I won't look (so) geeky anymore. :)

If i'm lucky, with our tax return coming in soon we might also be able to afford the internet in my room, and that means no more sitting out here in the kitchen with my Mum yapping in my ear if i want to talk on msn or something.

That would be sweet... of course, no promises yet. :/



I'd better go before this post gets too long.

I've got so much more to say, both now, and for a long time in the future, so let's cross our fingers and hope that Mirrorboy will be around for a long time yet...

Either way, even if the blog does go down, i have decided that Mirrorboy will never be killed - not by those who hate him, nor by me, because he is the me that i want to be.

I have hope that one day he will feel comfortable enough to take the reigns from the current Dusty and... become the new Dusty, where we will be one, with the life lessons of Dusty and the sparkle of Mirrorboy.

And we will kick ass. :)



For now, on here, this is Mirrorboy saying,

lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Forget my worries. Memories and OCD.

Umm... Well yesterday i said that things weren't going too good in M-boy's world.

I'm not really sure whether i want to talk about this stuff or not. I know whenever i post one of those 'sad' posts then you all start worrying about me, and then in turn i get sort of depressed because people all start asking me if i'm okay and telling me they're worried and all that does is force me to not stop thinking about what the problems are because i start getting constantly reminded...

Well, i'd rather not talk about it all, for now, because if i do start articulating my problems then i'll make MYSELF sad and worried about it all.

For now, i want to not think about it. I want to worry about it all if or when it gets worse. I'll post about it then i guess. For now, don't worry about me.

I am very touched that you all care so much though.



Anyways, for now, here's another random 'about me' post i thought you might find interesting. Comment on whatever takes your fancy.

1. For some weird reason, which is probably my OCD, any volume setting (like the one on a TV), has to be set at either 4, 6, 8, 11, 12, 14, 16, 18, 21, 24, 26, 28, 32, 37, 43, 48 or 54. If it's not, i feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's because i don't like groups of 5 or something.

2. Also on OCD, i remember that even as (quite) a young child, i felt forced to always take an even number of sips from a drink or an even number of bites from a food item. When that really started to stress me, i forced myself to stop, but the effect of that was that afterwards, i had to avoid even numbers and i ended up avoiding any sort of pattern at all costs, so i didn't really accomplish anything.

3. I've been on more intense ones, but the scariest ride i've ever been on was a Ferris Wheel one time. The little open compartment thingy was shaking and creaking and it was windy as hell. I had a DEATH-GRIP on the metal bar behind me and my seat. When i finally got off my shoulder was so sore because i'd been absolutely frozen the whole time. My friends wanted to go for another ride.

4. I have tiny hands and feet, although the rest of me is pretty big, like, i have big hips, so that's weird.

5. When i was younger (like, 4 or 5) i always had to sleep on a certain side, because if i didn't, i would ALWAYS have nightmares. Is there a logical reason for that? Because it sounds like there should be one...

6. Also when i was younger, some nights i would hear awful metallic clanking noises outside and think that aliens were coming to get me. I would hold the covers over my head and shut my eyes, thinking that if i didn't see them, they couldn't hurt me. In hindsight, i realise that that would have been the garbage-truck.

7. The only bone i've ever broken was my little finger. I was playing mini-golf and tripped over... I always knew it was a dangerous sport. T_T

8. One time i went to the dentist for an ulcer or something. I had an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic they gave me and i ended up in the casualty ward in the hospital because i was vomiting violently.

9. I needed to sleep with some sort of light on at night until a few years ago. Now i love complete darkness!!

10. I still can't touch type, and yet i am a 'writer'. I write so much... so... why can't i do it yet?

11. The most important thing to me (and perhaps some of my friends like AJ should hear this) is love. I feel that as long as you have someone to share love with, then nothing else matters, because everything else will fall into place sooner or later. Finding someone whom you truly connect with is a real blessing. Love is the one thing in life that you cannot control. You can earn money, and you can work for for a job, but being loved is based on your entire soul. Having love means that you have found a soulmate, and that is the most special thing of all.

I want to be loved. Nothing else matters to me.



That's it for now. See ya later, hope that things work out for me - i need some good luck for once,

===>mirrorboy<===

I'm still in hell... but my view of the world has changed.

What happened today?


Well, i haven't been bashed yet. That's a plus. Of course, 'that boy' hasn't been back at school yet... because i got him suspended... so i get the feeling that i'm in the eye of the hurricane and coming out the other side is going to be fucking rough.

I still get immature comments and insults thrown my way. Fucking lame...

I definitely feel very uncomfortable at school. I can't shake that, for obvious reasons. I know there are people here that hate me and i can't do much about it.


What else happened today? I did my Journalism interview with Mrs OC.

Mrs OC is of course my favourite teacher - the one that changed my life and made me want to be a writer, the one that pushes me to do my best and believes in me, and the one that swears!

So we went into the auditorium and went into the dark little kitchen there.

I checked my tape-recorder thingy, and we talked for a couple of minutes.

Then i started the interview. I asked questions from my list, about her life as a child, school, what she wanted to be, who she admired, stuff like that...

It was really interesting to learn so much about her... I think that it was because we are quite close and feel relaxed around each other. It got so personal that i think i should tell my Journalism teacher that it might not be suitable for playing in front of the class (it gets into how she's only still with her husband for their kids). O_O

She shared some personal things with me...

I felt it was the right time to tell her about some of my hard times. And yes, the tape-recorder was OFF.

I told her everything - About me being gay, that my friends found stuff on my USB ("You stupid boy!!" she said), that i was outed at school and that i'm going through a lot of crap from kids. She responded well, so i kept going...

I told her that i write a blog about myself, through which i've met some amazing and caring people. I told her about a few examples of my friends, and that made her smile.

I said that i go home to this wonderful community, and she thinks that's just great. I could see her just brimming with happiness for me.

We talked about all the stuff a lot. She shared some of her experiences with gay people, from a young man with cancer, to some kids who used to go to the school.

She says that our town is a nice place, but we have such small-minded people here and such little diversity... but one day i will leave this place and go to university in a big city like Melbourne, and she says that i will find my group of people and i will just feel like i belong.

I HAVE to leave this place behind. I have to go and find my place in the world. Staying in this town will crush me.

She says i've only got three years left. One day i will leave, and i will make my own way in life, and what happened here won't matter.

It's true.

She really helped me put things into perspective.

Life may be absolute shit now, and it's gonna get worse, but one day it will be gone.

I have a whole life ahead, and it will be a FUCKING GOOD ONE.

Like she said herself...

Life will be awful at times, but there will be intense moments of absolute joy.



I left that room a different person.



There is one more thing though...

There was a boy at school, who is gone now, but when he was here he was openly gay.

He's part of a tiny community in my town of same-sex-attracted people who meet up on Mondays at 4 o'clock at a place up the street.

After the interview, i think Mrs OC gave him a call.

During period 5, she came to my class and gave me a note, saying that i should give him a call because he's good to talk to and he could take me to this thingy.

I'm kind of nervous. I think i'll call him on the weekend and see what it's about though. It could be interesting.



So after today, i'm a little bit stronger, but i am still scared.

We'll just have to see how things pan out, because i know that in the next few days, things are either gonna turn out okay, or come crashing down.

If they do come crashing down though, i know who i'm going to talk to - my favourite teacher who just got even better.



Wish me luck,

love to us all,

===>mirrorboy<===



And thanks for all your support on the last post, and for the emails you sent me. It made me feel so much better.

The minority's problem, and how stupid are they?

Yes, i've had to develop a thick skin quickly, and i think i've done quite well to be honest.

Like a baby bird i was pushed from the nest, and i suddenly had to learn how to fly. The wind was pushing me down, but i held my head high, and from now on the wind will brush off my back and i will lift ever higher.

Lol let's hope so. ;)


I apologize for my 'suicidal' post down there, but i do like to wallow in my own pity (don't we all?)

Anyways, i do feel like i'm in a better mood than before, and already i feel stronger, so don't worry about me and my knives - i don't think we actually have any sharp enough ones anyway. :P


At school, i haven't actually talked to OC yet. I didn't feel the immediate need to today, but i like to know that if things do get bad, i have options. I've decided that if things get too much in a classroom, i'm just going to walk out (it hasn't gotten near that stage yet though). I'm not going to put up with crap.

If i'm having a bad day i'll just go up to the office and ask to talk to OC, and i know she will help me. I actually had a dream about her last night, in which i told her about my sexuality, and then she told me that she was a lesbian! Hahaha i don't think that's gonna happen though. :P


I've got lots of emails to respond to, and i'll try to get around to that soon. You took the time to send me one (sometimes more than one) when i was sad and the least i can do is say thanks. :)

Speaking of which, a big THANK YOU to all the sweeties who left supportive comments on the blog and sent emails and private messages and such... I did actually read all of them and i think that your love and support is a big part in me getting through this, so thank you!!

I will do my best to make all of you (and myself) proud of me.


Oh, and as for those stupid comments from 'anonymous', just don't respond to them. I don't know what that dickhead is trying to accomplish... cos after what i've gone through recently, no words on a screen from some loser are going to affect me. Any more and i'll just delete them. :)


Anyways,

I started working on my story again, which i hadn't been able to in the past week or so due to the way i was feeling. I think that writing is the best therapy of all for me. Writing is my life, which you all know, so when i'm doing something good with my words it helps me to feel better.

Unfortunately i'm finally up to the war in my story which i've been building up to for 170,000 words, and i SUCK big-time at writing wars! I can really only write small skirmishes and duels, so this is really going to test my skills...

Also, the recent chapters have been hard because i'm missing two of my main characters (one of whom is my favourite, and a joy to write for because he is just so troubled) Coltrane and Klax, who were thrown into the enemy prison. Coltrane was the traitor to his people, and although he was doing bad things (and committed some awful crimes) it was an absolute delight to play around with him because he had such amazing storylines.

When they finally escape and make it back, i will be so happy. ;D


Moving on...

Care about me, pray for me, wish me luck and worry about me, but don't fear for me.

I am strong.

I am a good person.

I have dealt with so much - stuff that the other imbeciles could never cope with.

So i will be okay.


Again, thank you for your support.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===