Why I'm Leaving.

Well i said i'd post my reasons for leaving blogworld, and here they are.

I've always valued other people's wellbeing over my own. I've always been quick to bend over backwards to help someone else whenever i could.

The fact is, the more problems and issues of other people that i take on, the harder it gets for me. Things that weigh other people down get shifted onto me, and then i myself find it hard to cope, because it gets me down. And it isn't always a conscious thing. Our blogworld is here for people to post the ups and downs, and let's face it, most of us come here for support. It's not hard to come across a blog with someone having a tough time. Whenever i do that, i get involved, and i end up very emotionally invested in people. I've spent many hours writing emails of support and caring, and countless hours on msn talking to people going through their tough times.

So that's why i stopped reading blogs, why i rarely check my emails, and why i don't go on msn that much. Because i'm a 16 year old boy with his own problems, and i can't be everyone's psychologist.

I've come to the conclusion that i can't go on laying myself down in the mud for people to use as a stepping stone forever. While my efforts have been fruitful and i have helped a lot of people, i can't go on. If you milk a cow forever, eventually it's going to just give up and fall over and die. I have to look after myself as number 1, and that's advice from my psychologist. She said to me something like, "The first thing they tell you when you take on psychology, is to look after yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're not in a good state yourself." And i have been overwhelmed and i have taken on too much, many times. It's the reason why i had to keep taking 'breaks' from blogworld, with them growing longer and longer and more frequent.

So my psych said it shouldn't be up to me to save everyone. But i argued, if there was something, anything i could do, to make someone's life better, shouldn't i do it? Well her answer was, if it comes at the expense of my own wellbeing, no. And why is it my responsibility in the first place? At first i thought that was brutal, but i've come to realise how much it makes sense. If someone else's life sucks, it isn't my fault. It's fine to try and help how i can, but i can't string myself out for days on end trying to make their life perfect again. There's only so much a kid in Australia can do, and it's time to realise that fixing people's biggest problems shouldn't be my biggest priority.

I've done as much as i can here, in this community. It can't go on forever, and my time here is drawing to a very close end. I have to look after me, and my own problems. I have things in my own life i should be thinking about, not pushing them to the side to deal with other people's crap.



I hope i'm making sense. It is complicated, and it is a very, very tough decision for me to leave. But i think it's what is best for me. While it may not be the best for other people out there, when you really come down to it, my coming to this community has had a largely positive impact on many other people's lives, and that's a good thing, isn't it? I've made a difference, and now it's time to move on because i can't do it any more.

Yes, i think that makes more sense.



Anyways, i'm still yet to decide to what extent i will be leaving blogworld and its community. I realise that many of you have become very invested in me, and in the same way, i've made many good friends through my blog that i care about deeply, and i by no means intend to cut them off.

So, i'm certain i'll be leaving in one sense or another, but there is still much to be decided upon. Whether i'll make infrequent posts or not to let you know how i'm doing. Or if i'll keep reading the blogs of others to catch up on their lives. I may do neither, and just stick to contacting people through msn and emails. How much of each will be a good amount? I don't know yet.

But what i do know is that things have to change, because it's sending me downhill, and i've been waiting for that uphill for so goddamn long. Now that it's finally come, i do not intend to miss my chance to grab it with both hands



I hope my mixed metaphors throughout this post haven't confused anyone even more. :I

How I Met Bitboy.

(Sorry for the long post but it does have a rather strong point to it) :)

You know i've always been incredibly interested in how one small action can have huge implications. In fact i often find myself thinking 'where will this action or decision lead me in the future?' when i'm at a crossroads. It's why i strive do always be nice whenever i can, because you never know when a nice action can lead to a new friend.

I think the majority of my readers also came across me and my blog through internet searches or clicking random links. If you'd typed something a little different, clicked a link above or below, or not even been on the computer that day, you might not know i existed. And many of my blog readers are good friends that have enriched my life a lot.

Well on to the point of this post. It's how i met Bitboy.

Before i got WoW, i used to play this game called Knight Online. And it was a horrible game, utterly terrible, it was. Basically it was ruled by hackers and bots. The only way to level up was to find yourself a hacker to be in a group with. And then there were the bugs and glitches, and typos. Oh god, the typos. When what you were told to do was coherent enough to understand, there would be a glitch or two that made it impossible to do.

And the gameplay was bad enough too. There were warriors, mages, rogues and priests. You could only wear armour designed for your class, and the only decent stuff was so hard to get, only people who hacked or cheated to get money could buy it. The same goes for weapons. Even low levels could wield ridiculously overpowered weapons, if they had money, that is. And the music was the same goddamn track over and over and over again.



But i digress. One day while playing this horrible game, i entered an event and was put in a group with a mage called Weebs. He did his job well and saved my virtual ass many times. After the event was over i saw him back in town and said he did a good job, and he said i did as well (both with a smiley). Then we parted our separate ways.

I was in a group with someone doing a quest later, when i ran into him in another town. Weebs knew the person i was grouping with, so we all started talking. By the time the other person had left, me and Weebs were getting along quite well.

It was then that i found that Weebs was actually an Australian. We kept talking, and decided we would play together when we could. Later on, we were partying with an American who made some rather homophobic remarks. :P Meanwhile i am very much a hint-dropper. I guess i could explain it in that i try to get a read on a person's like or dislike of gays by making borderline sexual remarks or innuendo. Does that make sense? o_O Sometimes people will act positively, others will freak out at even the slightest hint of a hug.

Anyways it worked better than i expected. By the time we got back to the main town and were alone again, Weebs asked me 'are you bi?'. I replied with something like 'you're half right lol'. He'd picked up on my semi-obvious remarks, and when i told him i was gay, he in turn said he was bi. That's when i started to go like (O_O).

'Omg' i was thinking, 'he's Australian, he likes boys, and he's a teenager'. That's an incredible lot to have in common in a game in which the majority don't even speak English. 'AND HE'S NICE!'

Soon after, i showed him the address to my blog. Then our game conversations turned to MSN conversations. Within a few days of knowing each other, i was beginning to like him, a lot. And he liked me too. It got to the point where i would only bother playing the game to see him and have his 'company'.

When he said he wanted to leave Knight Online to go back to playing World of Warcraft, i decided i had no choice but to buy it and start playing it. Being around him, even online, made me so happy. We both made new characters, and went through the levelling process together. And let me just say, WoW is infinitely better than KO. :P

The rest is history.



The fact is, if i hadn't been playing Knight Online, on that day, at that time, and entered that event (meeting Weebs), and afterwards entered a group that lead me to a town in which Weebs was at at the same time, and having Weebs know the person i was grouping with, giving us a reason to talk more... I might not have had a boyfriend for 2 weeks, 2 weeks in which i was the happiest i've been for years.

That's why i'll always be thankful for that horrible game.

All About You.

*crap this took me 3 and a half hours!! lol*

People seem to be put off talking to me because they feel like i've got many other people to talk to.

Well you can never have too many friends. Hopefully this week of posts has shown you just how much having friends means to me.

This is probably gonna be long, but i wanna thank everyone that i've met through blogging who's made an impact on my life. If it weren't for the people i've met through blogging, i probably wouldn't be here.

This as also for all you who keep complaining that you don't get a mention. :P



Landyn - You're my favourite person in the whole world and when you hurt i hurt. I would do anything for you. I hope things get better for you because seeing you happy would make me so happy.

AJ - You're my best friend. We've been through so much together and i'm sure we will for many days to come.

Jake - lol. If it wasn't for you being in my life things would have taken a much different turn. You had a huge part in making me who i am today. lol

Bob - You're like a father to our blog community. You've got everyone's backs and i hope you know just how important you are and how much of a difference you make.

Lach - You gave me my first hug. ^_^ Hanging out with you was a lot of fun. You helped me feel more... normal. When i move to Melbourne i hope we'll see each other a lot more.

Deadwing - You're one of my best friends. I'm glad to have made a difference in your life, i just wish things could be easier for you too. I hope when you get down, you'll just remember how far you've come.

James - We've had our ups and downs, but you're still one of my firm friends and you've helped me a lot. I'll always be here for you and i know you will for me too.

Drew - There are some things i can only talk to certain people about, because i know they'll understand. I trusted you with some very personal thoughts and i know you've done the same. You're a good friend. :)

Joshie - You helped me during a rough time and i think that's when we grew a lot closer. I'll always be happy to repay the favour. Also, you dyed your hair pink and that makes anyone awesome in my book. :P

Wawwy - You's such cutenesh. ^_^ I loves talking to you. Is always interesting and funness. Fun is a good word to describe you. :P

Elliott - You were one of the first people to add me on msn and we've been friends since. On top of that, you were the first person i've met through the blog to talk to me on the phone, which is always fun. ^_^

Reilly - We have a huge amount in common. We've shared a lot of personal stuff with each other too. I'm really glad i met you.

Cutie Dan - Though if i said 'Cutie' you would immediately think it was you anyway, i bet. ;) You're a lot of fun to talk to and i love your hair. :P

Benji - You're adorable. You're so sweet and cute. J'adore Benji. :P Don't be so down on yourself. You're a great guy and things will get easier for you, i'm sure. I'll always be here to support you either way.

Matt - You're my good friend too. Memories? Playing uno against each other on msn. lol. But seriously you're cool and i like talking to you. :)

Steve - We don't talk much outside blogging but when you talk you always provide such a good and intellectual opinion. Whenever i make a thoughtful post i always look forward to your comments.

Aek - For an Asian you sure can be dumb sometimes. lol. You're a good person though, very helpful. Thanks for helping me with some of my medical problems too. Woo free advice. lol

Seth - One of my first linkers, and you gave me a big boost. You're very caring and to me blogworld would be a very different place without you in it.

Naturgesetz - I love that you're part of our community. I really value your opinion on the religious side of things. We've had some good discussions. :)

Mr. HCI - You're like a kid on the inside. lol. I know you'd always be willing to offer support to anyone you could. You're nice, and funny, and generally a great guy. :)

Steevo - You always say it how you see it. That's an important trait. Other than that, you helped me a lot during my rough times and i'll always be grateful.

AgentK - You're such an amazing kid. I hate it that you've been hurt so much. I hope you get some love you deserve.

Louie - It was great having someone to talk to about my writing, and i liked hearing about yours. We'll have to catch up soon. Next time i see you online i'll say hai. :)

Peter from PA - The compulsive video-poster. lol. We don't talk much but when we did it was always fun. We have some good memories. :P

Jeremy - We never seem to say much but we're still good friends. lol. You're good to talk to and always good for some lols. :)

Spastic Fantastic - You're also lotsa fun to talk to. Even though it seems we mostly talk about TV, game and movies. :P

Randy - I loved getting comments from you on my writing blog. I knew when you didn't like something you would tell me straight. That's what i really wanted and i grew as a writer because of you.

Kiwi/Chris - You're sweet and funny and you gave me the most helpful advice when i was writing. You also had a great blog which is missed. I doubt you'll even be reading this, but i hope you're doing okay.

David ex-Westasian - You had the best picture blog i knew. You had great tastes, and similar interests in many things other than boys. You were one of my most popular bloggers and i was so amazed that my blog was being read by someone 'famous'. You also gave me a birthday present which i'll never forget.

Victor - I'm glad you kept in touch because i always like hearing about how you're doing and your emails are always a pleasure to read. You're a smart, honest person and i'm glad we're friends.

David JB - I always love hearing your feedback on stuff i blog about. It's really nice that you take the time to email me so often and care about me. Thanks a lot.

Robert in the USA - We don't see each other that often but when we do i feel like we have a strong connection. You're a really sweet guy.

Zee - We've had some interesting discussions (arguments). :P You're so bloody stubborn and that's why i love you.

Torchy - You're another important part of our blog community and i'm glad you're around. On top of that you're really funny and your posts are almost always lolable.

Nick - I've seen that that people you've met through blogging has helped you to accept yourself more, and i'm so happy to have been a part of that. I wish you all the best. :)

John in the USA - You've been emailing me for so long now it seems like you've been with me from the start. We've had our disagreements but i'm glad i've gotten to know you.

John in Aus - The writer. Thanks for being my proofreader when i still had my writing blog. I dunno what i would have done without you. I also remember all those horrible, horrible jokes. *shakes head*

Tyler GBIH - You're really cool and funny. You've also got an amazing ass. ;D But seriously, we recently found out we've got a lot in common so no doubt we'll be talking a lot more.

Tyler DIML - And you've got an amazing face! lol. Talking to you is always entertaining. You're a really smart guy too.

Mike - Talking to you is always good times. We've got heaps in common, like 2 jigsaw pieces. :)

Jayson - You kept an eye out for the bloggers and were always supportful.

Col - One of my biggest memories of blogging was when you interviewed me. It was a great idea of yours to do those interviews. You were also super-nice and really caring and i'm sorry that you disappeared.

Doomed BC - He who types in huge paragraphs. lol. You're a really nice, caring guy.

Aahsazyl - You're just plain strange. lol. And you're so lovable because of it. :P

Baz - You gave me some good writing advice and you always tell it how it is.

Lance - We've had some ups and some major downs. But i do care about you and i hope you're doing okay.

Hayden - When we first met i thought you were a bit strange, but you're really a nice guy. :P

Justin - You were the only one who knew how to get that game of mine to work. You can call in that favour any time. ;)

Olivia - You're still the only girl on my msn. lmao. You're wicked-cool and i still remember the poem you wrote for me during my rough time. It was really sweet. :)

Tristan - You were really helpful during my first days as a blogger and your words of advice were really important to me.

Tom ex-Daily Jizzt - Tommy Toppy or Tommy Bottomy. Works either way. xD. You had a great sense of humour and you were also really nice and caring. I miss you.

Chris from Aus - You're a really smart guy and i like talking to you. We share a lot of opinions on things too.

Paulie - You're funny, you're sweet and you're hot. ;)

Peter PH - You're a really nice guy. I remember that you'd always send me those funny story things, and that was always fun. And we've got very similar tastes in boys. :)

And Grant - Thanks for all the awesome smileys. lol



I really do hope i didn't miss anyone. lol

Allo Quickie. :)

This is a quickie post cos there are tv shows on that i wanna watch. lol

A night in bed with a warm blanket is a nice way to relax. It would be even better if there was someone to share with, but oh well, i do have my teddy bear at least. lol

I axly went for another run tonight. I think i'll make it a regular thing. The feeling you get afterwards is so good. You feel good because you're putting in effort and there's no guilt about being lazy or whatever.

Starting this week, i'll also be walking home from school. And that's a 45 minute walk. So woopety doot woot. :P

Today i also found out how to download embedded videos that are posted on blogs.

*cough porn ftw cough*

So that's cool. I also figured out how to fix something with Internet Explorer that was really bugging me. :)

And, i've had the hiccups throughout the day it's really annoying.

Anyways i'ma go now. Shaun Micallef is supposed to be on Rove (a tv show :P) tonight, and Micallef is my absolute favourite tv personality. Always good for lols.

(I posted some vids of his once before, so if you look for Shaun Micallef in my labels, i promise you'll get some lols for yourself.) :)

many loves

I'm baaaaaacck.

It is so fuckin good to be behind a keyboard again. Blogging from a mobile phone was so lame! Both the 'end call' button and the 'cancel' button were between the clear/backspace button and the 'go right' button. So sometimes i would have to write a post 3 or 4 times cos i kept accidentally deleting the thing! And i could only type about a letter every second. It was so hard to say what i wanted to say! In comments too, and emails. So much stuff i wanted to do, but i just couldn't because so many things didn't work on mobile internet.

Anyways, it feels so good to be behind a keyboard again and to have the internet! :D

I thought it would be nice to be 'home' again, but arriving home i just felt so... eh. I didn't ever want to leave Melbourne. It was just so fucking amazing. And i feel like i belong there! Not here, where i feel crushed and restrained.

The trip was fantastic. And what i got from it is beyond words. There, i actually felt good about myself. And i never feel good about myself! What i mean is, i wasn't cripplingly self-conscious. I wasn't disgusted when i looked in a mirror. My heart didn't race when i went outside cos i was so worried about how i looked. I didn't feel so hopeless and pathetic all the time. Cos that's what this town does to me. It makes me feel like shit every day. But Melbourne was so... different! And i will be back soon!!! One day i will catch the train and not come back.

I'm in love with it! It blew my mind. It gave me hope when i was hitting the bottom. I feel like a new person, and now i have something to aim for. I will not sit here at home and wallow in sadness and frustration. I will work for what i want. One day i will get it. And one day i will be in a place where i fit in.

The best thing was the diversity. Seriously, there are hardly any blacks or asians here, and nothing like muslims. But in Melb there was every type of person under the Sun. And it was amazing. I can see why people there are so open-minded compared to my own town. In Melb, you see all sorts of people every day. Here, those people are ridiculed and laughed at. Just like gays.

As you can see, i could talk about it forever. I just want you to understand how different and new this was to me. This is a trip that changed my life for the better on a huge scale. I am a new person!



So while we were there we went to the Melbourne Museum, went to the Chill City Concert, went shopping in huge places, went up the Eureka Tower at night, saw the fire show along the Yarra River, went up to the Dandenongs while it was raining, walked along the St Kilda beach, saw Luna Park and took dorky photos, and just took in all the sights and sounds and tastes.

Took heaps of photos too but there are so many i'll make a post just for them tomorrow.

I also met up with one of my online friends and his boyfriend and we spent the day together. That was really cool - to see a gay person in real life! lol. He was really nice and i know he's reading this and he's really sexy too. :)

Bought my first mobile phone and used up all the credit, got a recharge, and used up all the credit again. lol. Stupid internet!

Also bought an Ipod, and a bunch of games, and heaps of clothes, and sunglasses, and shoes. And hair gel and stuff. lol

Also, my cousin had 100's of channels on his TV. That was awesome. ^_^

The weather was great and sunny the whole time. And for once, during a trip, i wasn't sick or tired or sore.

Everything was... perfect.

I can honestly say, they were the best, and most important, 5 days of my life. And without them i probably would have given up hope on ever being something and shrunk away from life and reality until i just was crushed beyond help and suicided or something.

Okay. Now i'm back here. The plan is to make it through until i've got some sort of plan to move there. That's all i have to do. Just tough out everything life throws at me until i can leave. And i think after that trip to Melb, i may just have the strength to make it.



I can't wait to catch up with all of you and your blogs. While i was gone, some people seemed to get the impression that i hate them or something. I dont know how the hell that happened. I don't hate anyone. MB LOVES ALL lol. So i've got a lotta internet stuff to sort out.

It can wait though. I'm gonna go relax. :)



Remember, no matter how shit life is, there is always hope!

Lotsa love!