Memorable Moments #1

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.



Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

Turning Points. *important!*

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.



Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?



Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

Fuck You Very Much.

Ever wondered why i have this message above my comments box?

"Don't leave a comment telling me how i whinge, or i bore you, or how i'm annoying, or i'm lame, or you don't like me, or i depress you, or i upset you, or you want to punch me, or that you hate me and my blog, or that you want me to die etc.

See, that classifies you as a fuckwit. Are you a fuckwit?

All other comments are welcome. :)"



Good ol' anonymous commenters.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to or being too shy make a profile for people to see who you are. In this gay world of ours, i guess people 'in the closet' are quite worried that someone will find out who they are and spill their secret.

But i'm talking the kind of anons who like to abuse people and (try to) say hurtful things, and yet are so gutless that they hide behind anonymity. The kind who leave a pathetic remark and then disappear. The sorts of people who are just plain losers.

Remember that post i made about suicide? When i was really down? You probably don't. lol. It was ages ago. Anyways...

"Anonymous said...
As nike says, just do IT."

Oh yeah. And when i got past that episode...

"Anonymous said...
GAY"

Weirdo.

Oh. Then came the abuse from a real life person in my circle of friends. Not only did this c*nt not have the guts to tell me to my face, he couldn't even put his name up.

"Anonymous said...
1.kidding yourself
2.wtf?
3.omg everyones gonna find out your gay how depressing go cry in a corner and im pretty sure like 50 kids per day get in situations like that so deal with fuck stick
4.know one cares about your little homo sittuations.

ps. go fuck yourself or your cat cos that seems to be your only pictures i mean cmon are you rooting your cats your like the crazy cat lady but even more gay

pss.go die kno onelikes yo."

And after my response.

"Anonymous said...
1.WOW I dont correct my words perfectly for your gay ass taste
2.I have better things than to type a fucking novel at probly dark ass room surrounded by the light coming out of a computer.
3.know cares go die ect ect
4.also know cares about your small ass townps go die
PSS if u have any problems im at ----whitepride@hotmail.com----"

Nice generic email address there.

And i mean wtf. I sit in a well-lit room... I have lights!

That's why i don't stay in contact with 'friends' from my old school.

Here's some more abuse from one of my readers. :)

"Anonymous said...
i used to love your site and you but you now are becomeing a winging bore..today i watched the news on the bushfires and the many sad stories comeing out of there...makes your trouble look small...i know u will delete this thats ok...wish u all the best 4 the future...am now going to delete this site from my list of favs."

I was having a hard time. I'd been OUTED at school. Just cos other people were having a hard time, that doesn't mean my struggle was any less hard.

Oh, here's a quickie.

"Anonymous said...
you're annoying"

Gee thanks fuck you.

When i took my break from blogging because i had a lot on my mind...

"Anonymous said...
Mirror
I think you and AJ are just quitters. That simple"

Ugh. So i defended myself, and so did my friends.

"Anonymous said...
So perfect. A group of upset teens who can only think of venting their anger. Look, all I said was that they were quitters. Period. Actually, when you look at it, they did just quit. I didn't say "Fuck you asshole, you shouldn't post anything ever again." Nope. Not anything close. I just said they were quitters. In fact, I stated it in such a way that it would prod them a bit--as it indeed seemed to do. Of course, the rest of the gang decided to pile on. I didn't say anything to the rest of you, and I didn't say anything particularly offensive to the blogkeeper. But that sure hasn't stopped y'all from bash, bash, bash. The expletives, etc. And does it really matter if I have a blog or not? Maybe I've got more experience with such matters than you could hope to. Perhaps I understand how to get someone to consider a different view of reality. Just maybe I do such things for a living? Hmmmm, isn't that possible? Or is the Net now becoming a place for adolescents, mature and otherwise, to simply vent anger at anyone. If you want to be respected, be respectful of others. Again, I didn't attack anyone in an offensive way. But that the same could be said for you..."

Bla bla bla.

And then when someone joked about pushing this anon off the proverbial cliff...

"Interesting display of violence simply because of something I said. Wow. Did you ever hear of a guy named Matthew Shepard? He was killed in Wyoming several years back--actually tied to a fence and then killed--simply because he was gay and unwilling to be quiet about it. Someone voices a thought and you not only contemplate pushing me off a cliff but do a jig about it and a high five celebration. Sad. Really sad. I don't know where the violent urge is coming from, but I don't think I've said anything to merit that kind of violent response. I didn't manifest a voice of hatred, and I sure didn't suggest pusshing anyone off a cliff, never mind celebrating it. You want to defend someone, great, defend with thoughts and ideas. Don't use violence to triumph, because in the end, it never does. Just ask Matthew Shepard's killers or his parents."

That's just... lol.

And here's the latest prick who's just plain rude.

"Anonymous said...
post pics of yourself.
we all know you're not doing it so people will give you attention.
-.-"

"Anonymous said...
hey mirrorboy
you're an over dramatic attention whore.
:)"

"Anonymous said...
at least i'm not pathetic like you.
:)"



So my point is. I've been blogging for a long time. I've heard it all. Even from people i know.

So i really just don't care. Anonymous commenters who leave abuse are incredibly pathetic. The above examples are evidence of their consistent stupidity. That fact that i'm a blogger with my heart out there for everyone to see, while you're too gutless to even show your name, gives your words... very little impact.

I feel sick.

Today is the last day of the school holidays, and tomorrow, i'm back at school for 11 months.

I can't help it. I feel physically sick in my gut thinking about it, and i can't not think about it, cos i have all these things to do to get ready for tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm the only 'out' one there amongst a bunch of small-minded pricks to whom being gay is something so out-of-the-ordinary and such a big deal. And they like making 'it' a big deal. I was called names and teased and picked on and laughed at and i just don't want to go back to that.

It just doesn't seem fucking fair. Why do i have to live this? Why do I have to be the one who goes through all of this? My self-esteem and confidence was already in tatters before, and then THIS happened!? I don't know how i can deal with it. Last year was crushing me. It got worse every single day, right up until school was over. I was so relieved because i would get a short break. But now, i'm back for a whole year. I can't get away. I have no big breaks to look forward to. It will be day, after day, after day, of the same thing. If things haven't improved on last year, i just don't know how i'll survive.

Don't forget on top of all that, i'm supposed to be learning and working. How can i in a place like that? That's just even more pressure.

I'm scared. I'm just scared.

I feel sick, and i'm scared, and i'm trapped, and there's no way out. I'm stuck in this place, with these people, 6 and a half hours a day, 5 days a week, for 10 and a half months. And there's nothing i can do.

And i'm all alone. Even the one person i could trust, Mrs OC, is taking long-service leave.

I don't know if i can handle this. I worry it's going to crush me.

Hell on Earth.

K so i know i haven't been posting that much... and what i have posted recently hasn't been that exciting. :P

Well frankly, there's not much to report because i'm still on my school break and i'm just trying to relax. School does, however, start again on Feb the 2nd. *CRIES

And the break i just had was Australia's ONLY decent break ALL YEAR. I'm basically gonna be back at school for the whole year until mid-December. And we only get another 6 weeks worth off from school until then. :'/

That's right. No sort of Summer Break for us. Aussies will be at school while you other bastards are out relaxing. -_-

So i hope you enjoyed my company on MSN and such. I can only be on during my daytime on weekends from February. That sucks cos i have a lot of good American friends and they'll probably be in bed by the time i'm home. :/



Of course, i am dreading going back to school. It really is a hell on Earth. Being the ONLY OUT GAY SUDENT in the fuckin place is HARD. I mean there's a reason why i'm the only 'out' one! Cos we're a small city too, the others are small-minded and basically immature. That's why i KNOW i don't belong here and as soon as i can, i'm moving to Melbourne. I can't wait for that, but it's probably another 3 years away. :(

I am going to try to go back a different person, more confident and minus the glasses, but i know just how depressed i was last year. School was beating me down. I also have a good idea that school is to blame for my pretty severe self-confidence and self-esteem issues.

I guess i'm gonna have an idea of how everything is gonna go for the year by the first week. I'm gonna know who's in my classes, where our areas are, if i've got teachers i can trust, if the others have grown up (or not), and if i'm a different person or i've reverted to my old self.

You can wish me luck and tell me to be strong, but it's not that easy. It's goddamn hard living here where people literally hate me for being gay.



When i am back, i will either be posting more cos there will be more to post about, or i'll be posting even less cos i will be too overwhelmed with school to feel like it.

<3

That's it for now i guess. I'm trying to milk what's left of my school break cos it's slipping away very quickly.

Good... slowly... slowly...... uh-oh SLAM WHACK CRASH this ain't good :(

Today was the day that i was shoved over the edge of the cliff of safety and into the sea of 'OUT'.

So i know that one of my friends has been telling people that i'm gay. He probably doesn't understand what the consequences of that are.


I was asked by a person (who i don't like) today if i was gay.

I didn't want to say 'yes', but i had to.

I can't just say 'no' because i know it would have led to more questions and i would have been even more uncomfortable. Everyone would have found out sooner or later.

So i said 'yes'. I was forced to.

That's it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out to everyone. They all know now.



It started today - the whispers, the rumours, the questions, the laughing.

I smile. I breathe. I answer. I try to be strong.

But why has my strength left me? At the moment (THE moment) i needed it. It has left me. And i am a lesser me.

I try to avoid them. I try to hide. I sit far away, in the corner. I walk fast. I try to be early. I try to stay near safety.

But i can't have that. I am forced to face them.

Periods where i must be alone, when there are no friends around to help me.

Places where there is no authority, and no rules.

And i have only me - shy, self-conscious, bad-speaking, shaking, scared, me.



What i would give to go back, to do it MY way and prevent this all from happening...

It may have been nice to breathe the fresh air when i stepped out of the closet, but now that air has turned icy, and i long for the warmth of my former state.



Before this... i was frustrated.

Now, i am scared.



And i face much much more tomorrow.

Many times when i must answer 'yes' and be met with a laugh.

Times when i have done nothing, and notice the looks i am getting.

And still i must push on.



It's one thing to be self-conscious, and think that people are talking and laughing...

but another thing to KNOW that they are.



I feel like crying, but there's nothing but emptiness inside of me. I have nothing to cry out. I want to throw up, but i haven't eaten. I want to hide, to disappear, but I can't. I want a cuddle, but there's no one there.

I'm just... terrified.

I can't get help, not even from my Mum, because she would kill me for even telling my friends. She knew what would happen, and she made me PROMISE not to tell ANYONE.

But now, i've told everyone...

and i don't know what to do.

Gay friends... I want one!

I'M IN A BAD MOOD TONIGHT. PREPARE FOR A RANT.

For straight guys it's just not so hard. There are billions of them out there, you step outside and the odds are the next guy you will see is straight. That means that inevitably, straight guys are going to have a LOT of straight friends, and gay guys are going to have a LOT of straight friends as well!

Yeah, that's a fun/good thing for the straights. They can talk about which chicks are hot and watch porn and laugh about wankin and stuff. They talk about who they wanna have sex with and who's got the biggest tits...

Me? I have to endure that crap pretty much everyday. Thank God i did not go to one of my friends recent birthday parties. According to Matthew all they did was watch porn. Haha. He must have been traumatised, although i'm pretty sure he would have just played computer games all night. Me? I would have SERIOUS issues with a night like that.

On top of that, a lot of my 'friends' (HA I USE THE TERM LIGHTLY) are pretty damn HOMOPHOBIC. Their hilarity usually includes the reference to, oh i don't know, blowing all the gays up, or their all gonna get AIDS and die. HAHAHA

Sometimes i just wanna explode! Sometimes it takes every bone in my body to to whack one in the face for their lame shit!! Better yet, why not just completely F up my life and yell out in the middle of class "GUESS WHAT? I'M GAY! PS. I HATE YOU ALL."

Why should i have to deal with their immature crap? They have no idea what it's like being gay or bi, but they feel it's their F'ing obligation to chuck in their two cents!

Why must i fake a big part of me to be friends with some people who wouldn't want to be friends with me if they knew the real me??? Why???

I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S IT. I DON'T KNOW. AND THAT'S WHY I GET SO PISSED OFF.



Oh... but i digress...

I'm sorry. :)

There is one particular 'friend' i have on MSN and i just spent a while talking to him. You get the picture. I had no idea the post would take a turn like that, but that's just how i write everything. I start out with an idea in my head and i end up down a completely different path.

The point of this post is, just how important is it for gays/bi's to have gay/bi friends?

It's the things i'm missing out on the annoy me so much. I can't talk about who's cute. I can't talk about my favourite websites. I can't talk about my favourite shows. I can't talk about why i really love tennis (thank you Rafael Nadal) :p

I have to be careful when anyone even sits down at my computer cos i'm worried that they'll go poking around in my stuff. Not just for pics, but i have a lot of private stuff - I feel the inclination to write everything down. Hell, i found my friend's porn stash pretty easy, i just did a search when our computers were linked up at a LAN. (Don't ask)

And i feel like my life is being held back, like i'm being held back, because i am not ME at school or around my friends. And there are only two situations where i could be the real me...

- Online.

- Around other people who are gay.

And the second one is a lot more important than the first, but i've yet to find a gay friend.

So what do i do? I honestly don't know. I don't just want a gay friend, i NEED one, to keep my sanity, and yet there is no way i can find one except by waiting or by luck.

And frankly, Lady Luck's been a bit of a bitch to me recently, and waiting just isn't good enough.