The end of long week.

Oh thank God it's finally the weekend! I can finally relax after such a big week where i was so stressed. :)


So, today was interesting. I actually went and had a cool chat to OC (for those of you who don't know, she is a teacher at my school) with Matthew at lunchtime, although i didn't mention my sexuality. I needed to interview someone for my Journalism class and i wanted to ask her to be my interviewee. She said she might be too boring though.

Although she said if i just wanted a mark so i could pass, she would do it for me. She said she would do anything for me. She said she has great respect for me. She said i could do it when i had a free period, even if she had a class, she would just get someone to cover for her.

Wow, i mean... wow... She is just, AWESOME.

And even awesomer is the way she's just so honest, and the way she swears! Somehow we got to her riding a motorbike, and she said it's 'fucking amazing'.

Seriously, i adore her. She's the best teacher in the world, i just wish i actually had her as a teacher this year. :P


As the bell went to signal the end of lunch, we just stayed there and kept talking because she didn't have a class. :D

Halfway through the period, she said she'd better let us go. She asked us if we wanted to go back to class, and we half-laughed, half-said no. ;)

I only had French. :P

So she said we could just go do whatever we wanted, as long as we didn't do anything naughty. She said she'd get our names ticked off the roll. :)

Again, awesome.


Matthew had to go talk to our form coordinator about a problem he was having, so i tagged along. We went in and talked to him for about 10 minutes, but before we left, i said i was having a bit of an issue at school as well...

And then i told him. I told him that a bunch of the kids had found out that i was gay, and a few of them thought it was their business.

We had a quick chat, which involved him telling us that one of his friends came out at the end of college, and some people he knew couldn't deal with that. He said he didn't care about his friend's sexuality at all, and those that did, it was their problem.

He asked if there was anything he and the teachers could do, or if i just wanted them to be aware. I said just being aware of what was happening was enough.

He said that if anything happens, to go and let the teachers know, and i will.


We still had 15 minutes left before the end of the period and he asked us if we wanted to go back to class. We said 'nah' so he said we could just go to the library and hang out until the bell, and we did just that. :)

Wow, i never knew teachers were that cool! lol ;)


Yup, a pretty interesting day.

I know that if things start to go bad (well, worse than now), i can talk to my coordinator.

If things get really bad, i can talk to OC, who i know cares about me and will help me.


People are still asking me whether i'm gay or not, so i can only assume that a lot of people still don't know... so the worst is yet to come, but when it does, i should be okay.


thanks, love,

===>mirrorboy<===


PS. i've got a lot of linkers over there now, as well as a few other linkers i'm aware of but haven't put up yet. When i get time i'm going to split the list into two, one of my absolute favourites, and one of my other friendly linkers, just so we don't have one massive list. :)

Just so i don't miss you, if you link to me and you're not in my links, it might be a good idea to leave a comment. I don't want to leave anyone out.

How sweet and considerate of me... ;D

The minority's problem, and how stupid are they?

Yes, i've had to develop a thick skin quickly, and i think i've done quite well to be honest.

Like a baby bird i was pushed from the nest, and i suddenly had to learn how to fly. The wind was pushing me down, but i held my head high, and from now on the wind will brush off my back and i will lift ever higher.

Lol let's hope so. ;)


I apologize for my 'suicidal' post down there, but i do like to wallow in my own pity (don't we all?)

Anyways, i do feel like i'm in a better mood than before, and already i feel stronger, so don't worry about me and my knives - i don't think we actually have any sharp enough ones anyway. :P


At school, i haven't actually talked to OC yet. I didn't feel the immediate need to today, but i like to know that if things do get bad, i have options. I've decided that if things get too much in a classroom, i'm just going to walk out (it hasn't gotten near that stage yet though). I'm not going to put up with crap.

If i'm having a bad day i'll just go up to the office and ask to talk to OC, and i know she will help me. I actually had a dream about her last night, in which i told her about my sexuality, and then she told me that she was a lesbian! Hahaha i don't think that's gonna happen though. :P


I've got lots of emails to respond to, and i'll try to get around to that soon. You took the time to send me one (sometimes more than one) when i was sad and the least i can do is say thanks. :)

Speaking of which, a big THANK YOU to all the sweeties who left supportive comments on the blog and sent emails and private messages and such... I did actually read all of them and i think that your love and support is a big part in me getting through this, so thank you!!

I will do my best to make all of you (and myself) proud of me.


Oh, and as for those stupid comments from 'anonymous', just don't respond to them. I don't know what that dickhead is trying to accomplish... cos after what i've gone through recently, no words on a screen from some loser are going to affect me. Any more and i'll just delete them. :)


Anyways,

I started working on my story again, which i hadn't been able to in the past week or so due to the way i was feeling. I think that writing is the best therapy of all for me. Writing is my life, which you all know, so when i'm doing something good with my words it helps me to feel better.

Unfortunately i'm finally up to the war in my story which i've been building up to for 170,000 words, and i SUCK big-time at writing wars! I can really only write small skirmishes and duels, so this is really going to test my skills...

Also, the recent chapters have been hard because i'm missing two of my main characters (one of whom is my favourite, and a joy to write for because he is just so troubled) Coltrane and Klax, who were thrown into the enemy prison. Coltrane was the traitor to his people, and although he was doing bad things (and committed some awful crimes) it was an absolute delight to play around with him because he had such amazing storylines.

When they finally escape and make it back, i will be so happy. ;D


Moving on...

Care about me, pray for me, wish me luck and worry about me, but don't fear for me.

I am strong.

I am a good person.

I have dealt with so much - stuff that the other imbeciles could never cope with.

So i will be okay.


Again, thank you for your support.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

I am not going to kill myself.

I may have hurt some people with what i said a few hours ago.

I want to emphasize the fact that the 3rd and 4th paragraphs are written about how i felt on MONDAY night, not tonight.

I am not my sanest at 2am in the morning, believe it or not.

Like i said in the 6th paragraph, i am OKAY for now.


Yes, my life is incredibly hard right now, but Mirrorboy is not a quitter!

The (surprising) fact that i've been inundated with worried (and furious) emails and comments from people who adore me in just the past few hours, shows me just how much i mean to you... and i didn't actually know that i did.

I have been through SO MUCH IN MY LIFE so far, like learning to accept myself and my own sexuality. I am not going to give in now.

I will hurt. I will cry. I may bleed. I will dream about ending it (but i dream about everything).

I will NEVER give in.


I'm so sorry if i hurt any of you. I didn't think there were people out there who actually looked up to me.

Now i am determined not to let you down.

I take all of your emails and comments to heart. You mean so much to me.


I'm thinking i should go talk to OC tomorrow. That's what everyone seems to be suggesting. I really do think i need to talk to an adult about what i'm going through.


Again, i am so sorry.

If there's anyone in the world i don't want to hurt it is you, my amazing readers who've shown me so much love and compassion, and have been there for me through my toughest times.


Mirrorboy will be okay.

And he loves you so much for caring.

===>mirrorboy<===


PS. perhaps 'Last breath' wasn't the best title for the post. :)

Last breath?

I wish i could say things have been getting better but to be honest they haven't. More people are finding out. I'm having to deal with more shit. Life is getting harder.


The night after my last post i lay in bed until 2am contemplating killing myself. It was probably around the worst i've ever been and i've been pretty bad before.

I just wondered what the point of living is, if living is painful. My heart hurt all that day and i just wanted it to stop. I don't want to be me anymore. There was nothing to gain from getting out of bed... and many times i thought there was nothing worth living for because life sucks so much.

People don't like me. I am a joke to them. They hate me. I put so much stress onto my Mum. We were already having such a hard time before this happened, especially financially. I'm making it even worse. I felt like the world would be better off without me in it. They don't want me there. I don't want to be here. We all die eventually. I wanted to escape. I had nothing to live for. Why not just take a knife and do it. I could end it all anytime and never have to suffer again.


Anyway, that was Monday. Today is Wednesday. I haven't gotten to that stage yet, obviously.

I'm 'okay' for now, but i don't know how i'll go if things get any worse. I just really don't think i'd be able to deal with it.

I wish i was stronger but i'm just not. For someone like me to have to put up with things like this, it's just so hard. I seriously think my mind might just snap and crumble into a million little pieces, because i've never had to deal with anything like this ever, and there is no going back.


I don't feel like talking because i know you're going to pounce on me with the predictable 'hang in there it'll be okay'. That's not going to help.

I'm not commenting. I haven't been responding to emails. I just can't be fucked.

Sorry.

===>mirrorboy<===

Good... slowly... slowly...... uh-oh SLAM WHACK CRASH this ain't good :(

Today was the day that i was shoved over the edge of the cliff of safety and into the sea of 'OUT'.

So i know that one of my friends has been telling people that i'm gay. He probably doesn't understand what the consequences of that are.


I was asked by a person (who i don't like) today if i was gay.

I didn't want to say 'yes', but i had to.

I can't just say 'no' because i know it would have led to more questions and i would have been even more uncomfortable. Everyone would have found out sooner or later.

So i said 'yes'. I was forced to.

That's it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out to everyone. They all know now.



It started today - the whispers, the rumours, the questions, the laughing.

I smile. I breathe. I answer. I try to be strong.

But why has my strength left me? At the moment (THE moment) i needed it. It has left me. And i am a lesser me.

I try to avoid them. I try to hide. I sit far away, in the corner. I walk fast. I try to be early. I try to stay near safety.

But i can't have that. I am forced to face them.

Periods where i must be alone, when there are no friends around to help me.

Places where there is no authority, and no rules.

And i have only me - shy, self-conscious, bad-speaking, shaking, scared, me.



What i would give to go back, to do it MY way and prevent this all from happening...

It may have been nice to breathe the fresh air when i stepped out of the closet, but now that air has turned icy, and i long for the warmth of my former state.



Before this... i was frustrated.

Now, i am scared.



And i face much much more tomorrow.

Many times when i must answer 'yes' and be met with a laugh.

Times when i have done nothing, and notice the looks i am getting.

And still i must push on.



It's one thing to be self-conscious, and think that people are talking and laughing...

but another thing to KNOW that they are.



I feel like crying, but there's nothing but emptiness inside of me. I have nothing to cry out. I want to throw up, but i haven't eaten. I want to hide, to disappear, but I can't. I want a cuddle, but there's no one there.

I'm just... terrified.

I can't get help, not even from my Mum, because she would kill me for even telling my friends. She knew what would happen, and she made me PROMISE not to tell ANYONE.

But now, i've told everyone...

and i don't know what to do.

Origins of me the mirror.

Unusually, this is my 2nd post for the day so there's another one to read down there... :)


Anyways, today i thought i'd explain my name.

It is pretty random, isn't it? Mirror-boy.


Well, every day, after i have a shower in the morning, i step out, dry myself, and dry my hair (which is very thick and i already need another haircut) and then i look at myself...

And i lose myself... I drift off into thought as i look at me.

I think of every physical thing about me... How i need to get my hair cut, how i need to work out more, how i wish i could afford contact lenses (yes mirrorboy wears glasses... sexy glasses :P).

And then i think about the other things...

How i'm stuck on a bit in my story, how i'm worried about people reacting to my sexuality, how i stuffed up my speech the other day, and which subjects i'm falling behind in at school.


In front of the mirror is where i compose myself every morning.


Mirrors are important to me, because when i'm looking at me, i think about me, and everything that affects me.

When we look at ourselves, there is no hiding. We know all thruths about us.


So, i picked the mirror to go in front of boy...


But, there was just one more reason why i picked mirror... I love those pics where boys take photos of themselves in them. :P


That's all for today. It was a long day for me, but i won't go into that... For now, i just need some rest.

Good(insert time eg. night, evening, morning)

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Coming out black and blue.

Ohh first of all i want to mention poor poor AJ. Unfortunately his coming out experience wasn't as positive as mine.

Well, i believe that the worst scenario (the one which we seem to think about at a time like this) never happens. We focus on the worst negatives about the experience and end up worrying ourselves even more.

To AJ, and all those others who are having similar experiences...

Rely on your inner strength. You are stronger than you believe. Trust me, i've been there.

Rely on us, your online mates. ;) We are ALWAYS here for you to talk to, through comments, emails and msn.

Rely on the people around you who understand and accept you. If they're real friends they will love you no matter what, and will support and look after you.


I've given up on stockpiling my good luck wishes for myself, because there are people out there who need them more.

I'm going to stop moaning about my life, because even if i don't have a boyfriend or a wonderful friend who loves me, i've got things going pretty fucking good for me right now.

And that's coming from a pessimist.

love,

===>mirrorboy<===

And, good luck. All of you.