:P

BITBOY POSTED.

Shameless plug. <3

Oh Hai There.

Yes, hai. :P

I originally started this post at school, between classes, but then my class started. lol. So anyways, here i am at home finishing it. ^_^

I wanna apologize for not being around as much as i would like to have been. D: I know i said i wanted to be on msn more, and reply to emails quicker. Frankly, i've just been overwhelmed with school stress and homework. I'm not tryin to make excuses, but i am a 16yo doing schoolwork that 18yo's typically do. lol. I have (really, really freakin boring) books to read for English, The Catcher in the Rye for one. *barf* I had a speech to do on alternative energy the other day, boring as hell again. The Maths class i'm doing is going at lightspeed. I'm just rapidly churning out sheet after sheet of work, pages full of formulas and numbers and graphs and crap. Then there's the multiple projects i have to juggle for my other classes like Psychology and Outdoor Studies.

Anyways, not trying to make excuses... :P

I only had a look at my public email address inbox, for the first time in months, a few minutes ago. I have over 40 emails that need reading and replying to. -_- And i was expecting something like that, and that's why i've been putting it off. :P

Anyways, i have 2-week school holidays in a couple of weeks, so i'll try to get over that clog of emails in the next few weeks. I'll try to get msn more too. And by 'more', i mean more often than not at all. ^_^



SO, how is everyone? O: How's blogworld? Hopefully things haven't fallen apart without me. :P



In my own life, there's lots of school and that's about it.

Bitboy was supposed to come see me in early March, but his exams were rescheduled and rescheduled, so now he's booked a flight for April 12. I know i'm lucky to have a boyfriend and all, but man this is freakin hard. )': You want something so much but can't have it. D: And when Bboy sends me naughty things it's like going 'well here's your cake, BUT YOU CAN'T EAT IT'. lol.

And boy is it a yummy-looking (huge) cake. O_O lol :P

In other news, Bitboy quit WoW to focus on studying, which was 95% of our contact, so that majorly sucks. T_T



Anyways if you have any questions feel free to comment, but at least make it interesting. No boring-ass questions about how school is going and what my subjects are like and all that. :P

<3

Marchin in a Gay Pride Parade.

Title says it all. :P Figured i'd make the post cos it involves a topic that many of you may be interested in. (;

So there was a state gay pride parade in Melbourne today. Me and my gay youth group went up there, and with our banner, participated in the march, under the boiling hot sun. @_@

There had to have been thousands of people there to watch or take part in the parade. And boy, there were all types under the sun up there in Melbourne, under the hot sun.

For a 'small-town boy' like myself it was quite surreal. Every stereotypical queer and queer-related person you could imagine was in eyesight at all times. I'm talking about tall drag queens in bright, flashy outfits, short-haired dykes and their bulky motorbikes, old guys in leather (and tight, bottomless pants x_x), slender tanned twinks in only tight shiny underwear, enthusiastic mothers clad in all the colours of the rainbow, and emo boys in black tops and low-rising jeans with, if i may say so myself, very nommable hair.

It was the largest collection of eye-candy and eye-sores i've ever witnessed. I've never seen so many cute boys in the same place before. And the funniest thing is, most of em like cock. :P It was so... strange to see so many openly gay/bi people in the one spot, or even openly gay people at all, for me.

It was the longest day i've had in ages, and it was the first experience of its kind for me, and quite an eye-opening one at that.

And i acquired a raging sunburn to remember.

Well.

@Landyn - No, my last post wasn't aimed directly at you, but you did address many of the issues i have around this. In fact i honestly do agree with you. Yes, i do need to stop taking on other people's problems and getting involved. But i believe that in order to do that, i can't keep my blog. For just by having having a blog with a large following and the reputation that i do, people see me as someone they can contact with their problems. I mean what do people think of when they think 'Mirrorboy'? ...I am the person many people talk to when they need to talk to someone. And if i have to go through my links to find the defunct blogs, i'll again come across people having trouble. And the blogs that i follow have times when the bloggers need support badly. I'd even have people like Steevo and Bob say things like "Well this guy's having a lot of trouble, so i said he should get in touch with you". I also get comments of people wanting me to give them advice, and lots and lots of emails... I used to be that person but i'm in a position where the strain has become too much and i can't keep doing it.

Me staying would involve me turning a blind eye whenever i see someone in trouble, and i don't feel i can do that. The guilt would get too much and i wouldn't be able to sleep at night until soon i'll end up talking to someone on msn all day, many days, trying to help them through it. And this whole circle will begin again, and every waking hour will be filled will thoughts of how someone is coping, and me feeling guilty because i'm trying to relax, instead of on msn, or writing comments, or sending emails.

If i continue my blog, i can't just put up a huge warning "Don't contact me with your problems! :@" in the sidebar. If i keep this blog, people are going to look to me for help. And i can't say no. I just can't.

There's something else my psychologist said to me, and she is always right. "Don't overestimate your importance in other people's lives. If someone wants support, they will get it. Just because you're not around doesn't mean their lives are going to take a cataclysmic turn." I'm not the first person to help people and i won't be the last. There are millions of people out there eager to lend a hand. I'm 16 and i want to look after my own life. Just trying to do that is enough for me to handle.

And no, my life is very far from perfect. Some of you may have gotten that impression from my end-of-year post, but fuck me, i was just trying to put a positive spin on a shit year. I've still got a lot of crap in my life. But it's at the stage where it's not breaking me down, because i have just enough that i can handle. Now taking on other people's problems is going to break me down again, and i'm sick of being broken down, and i'm trying to prevent it from happening.



So... I dunno if i haven't addressed anything. I know this isn't the end of the 'discussion', so i'll be posting again soon, most likely.

And btw, saying i'm just jumping ship because i have a boyfriend now, and using people's problems as an excuse - not cool. And one of the reasons why i was so pissed.



And @ Jack Lewis - gtfo

Wow.

So i'm just a selfish prick am i?

Blogworld does nothing for me any more, and i'm so goddamn drained from trying to help people that i'm of no use to anyone any more either. It seems every time i open blogger i end up depressed or angry, like i'm angry right now. So stop attacking me and my motives and tell me why i should stay.

And i will be replying to comments.

Why I'm Leaving.

Well i said i'd post my reasons for leaving blogworld, and here they are.

I've always valued other people's wellbeing over my own. I've always been quick to bend over backwards to help someone else whenever i could.

The fact is, the more problems and issues of other people that i take on, the harder it gets for me. Things that weigh other people down get shifted onto me, and then i myself find it hard to cope, because it gets me down. And it isn't always a conscious thing. Our blogworld is here for people to post the ups and downs, and let's face it, most of us come here for support. It's not hard to come across a blog with someone having a tough time. Whenever i do that, i get involved, and i end up very emotionally invested in people. I've spent many hours writing emails of support and caring, and countless hours on msn talking to people going through their tough times.

So that's why i stopped reading blogs, why i rarely check my emails, and why i don't go on msn that much. Because i'm a 16 year old boy with his own problems, and i can't be everyone's psychologist.

I've come to the conclusion that i can't go on laying myself down in the mud for people to use as a stepping stone forever. While my efforts have been fruitful and i have helped a lot of people, i can't go on. If you milk a cow forever, eventually it's going to just give up and fall over and die. I have to look after myself as number 1, and that's advice from my psychologist. She said to me something like, "The first thing they tell you when you take on psychology, is to look after yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're not in a good state yourself." And i have been overwhelmed and i have taken on too much, many times. It's the reason why i had to keep taking 'breaks' from blogworld, with them growing longer and longer and more frequent.

So my psych said it shouldn't be up to me to save everyone. But i argued, if there was something, anything i could do, to make someone's life better, shouldn't i do it? Well her answer was, if it comes at the expense of my own wellbeing, no. And why is it my responsibility in the first place? At first i thought that was brutal, but i've come to realise how much it makes sense. If someone else's life sucks, it isn't my fault. It's fine to try and help how i can, but i can't string myself out for days on end trying to make their life perfect again. There's only so much a kid in Australia can do, and it's time to realise that fixing people's biggest problems shouldn't be my biggest priority.

I've done as much as i can here, in this community. It can't go on forever, and my time here is drawing to a very close end. I have to look after me, and my own problems. I have things in my own life i should be thinking about, not pushing them to the side to deal with other people's crap.



I hope i'm making sense. It is complicated, and it is a very, very tough decision for me to leave. But i think it's what is best for me. While it may not be the best for other people out there, when you really come down to it, my coming to this community has had a largely positive impact on many other people's lives, and that's a good thing, isn't it? I've made a difference, and now it's time to move on because i can't do it any more.

Yes, i think that makes more sense.



Anyways, i'm still yet to decide to what extent i will be leaving blogworld and its community. I realise that many of you have become very invested in me, and in the same way, i've made many good friends through my blog that i care about deeply, and i by no means intend to cut them off.

So, i'm certain i'll be leaving in one sense or another, but there is still much to be decided upon. Whether i'll make infrequent posts or not to let you know how i'm doing. Or if i'll keep reading the blogs of others to catch up on their lives. I may do neither, and just stick to contacting people through msn and emails. How much of each will be a good amount? I don't know yet.

But what i do know is that things have to change, because it's sending me downhill, and i've been waiting for that uphill for so goddamn long. Now that it's finally come, i do not intend to miss my chance to grab it with both hands



I hope my mixed metaphors throughout this post haven't confused anyone even more. :I

And What A Year It Was.

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.



I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."



And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.



Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.



What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.



I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.