There's too much shit on my mind. I'm taking a break from blogging. I dunno when i'll be back. If anything important happens i'll post. I'll probly still be reading blogs as well.
love
I'd like to keep this untitled.
16 years ago
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Apparently I Get Tuesdays Off As Well.
Woke up this morning, and as per usual, went back to sleep for half an hour before i got out of bed. Had my shower and washed my hair. Got out and dried myself. Put on my shirt and jumper. Went back to the bathroom and looked at (picked on) myself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes. Gelled my my hair, put in my contacts, brushed my teeth. Put on my jeans and had breakfast. Grabbed my mobile, iPod, wallet, tissues, keys, lunch, and got into my Grandma's car. We went down to school, and, as per usual, could not find a park. Headed inside the school and up the 2 flights of steps and went to the year 10 office.
And there i was informed that i don't have any classes today. lol
But while i was there i got my classes sorted out. I get Tuesdays and Fridays off. Mondays 9am-1pm. Wednesdays 9am-11am. Thursdays 9am-1pm. It's because i'm coming in halfway through the term, that some of the classes just weren't suitable.
It's a good thing (not just cos i get free time etc etc.) but this will help ease me back into a situation that was quite traumatic for me before.
1st semester ends in 5 or so weeks, and after that my hours at school will go up. eg. monday will turn into a 9am-4pm day.
Had my psych appointment today. We're working on how i see myself. Why i focus on all the bad things and struggle to find good things about myself. Why i hate everything about my body, and other fun stuff like that. I'm incredibly negative about myself. I make derogatory comments about myself all the time without even realising it. I think working with the psychologists will help me.
If it doesn't, i'm fucked. lol
But anyways. I've held it together for this long. I'm a fighter.
Still nervous about tomorrow.
love
And there i was informed that i don't have any classes today. lol
But while i was there i got my classes sorted out. I get Tuesdays and Fridays off. Mondays 9am-1pm. Wednesdays 9am-11am. Thursdays 9am-1pm. It's because i'm coming in halfway through the term, that some of the classes just weren't suitable.
It's a good thing (not just cos i get free time etc etc.) but this will help ease me back into a situation that was quite traumatic for me before.
1st semester ends in 5 or so weeks, and after that my hours at school will go up. eg. monday will turn into a 9am-4pm day.
Had my psych appointment today. We're working on how i see myself. Why i focus on all the bad things and struggle to find good things about myself. Why i hate everything about my body, and other fun stuff like that. I'm incredibly negative about myself. I make derogatory comments about myself all the time without even realising it. I think working with the psychologists will help me.
If it doesn't, i'm fucked. lol
But anyways. I've held it together for this long. I'm a fighter.
Still nervous about tomorrow.
love
Monday, May 25, 2009
It Wasn't A Bad Day.
lol. Yeah, i survived. :)
I was still really nervous and everything, but i didn't feel like people were judging me and i didn't make an idiot of myself, which are things i worry about.
I was pretty highly-strung today though. I couldn't help that. I overthink things too much.
I haven't made any friends yet. That's something i struggle with too.
But it's good that we don't have to wear school uniforms (i feel much more relaxed in my own clothes). The teachers i had today were pretty nice. The maths teacher was helpful and was constantly walking around the room to help people (which i didn't see at my old school). The atmosphere was more relaxed. The hours won't be as long and i'll get Fridays off too (at least for the next few weeks).
I can't tell if things will work out yet, but a day here was marginally better than a day at my old school. :P
I got home tired after what felt like a really long day. I was lying in bed watching TV at around 7 o'clock and i actually fell asleep for half an hour. I must have been tired for realsies cos i never do that.
Shortly after school i went to my gay youth group thingy. We had more people show up this time than usual and that was good. Everyone there is really nice and going there is something fun to do. We're currently making a poster for our group that we can put up in schools and around the city so that people who might need a group like this, can know that we exist.
Thanks for the comments and emails. It means a lot. I'll get around to responding to emails once i have time. Right now, i just don't feel like sitting here for an hour typing replies. But i've read everything and it does mean a lot, so thanks.
Okay, i'm off. I'm tired. I would have posted earlier but my Mum wouldn't let me have the computer. :/
much love
I was still really nervous and everything, but i didn't feel like people were judging me and i didn't make an idiot of myself, which are things i worry about.
I was pretty highly-strung today though. I couldn't help that. I overthink things too much.
I haven't made any friends yet. That's something i struggle with too.
But it's good that we don't have to wear school uniforms (i feel much more relaxed in my own clothes). The teachers i had today were pretty nice. The maths teacher was helpful and was constantly walking around the room to help people (which i didn't see at my old school). The atmosphere was more relaxed. The hours won't be as long and i'll get Fridays off too (at least for the next few weeks).
I can't tell if things will work out yet, but a day here was marginally better than a day at my old school. :P
I got home tired after what felt like a really long day. I was lying in bed watching TV at around 7 o'clock and i actually fell asleep for half an hour. I must have been tired for realsies cos i never do that.
Shortly after school i went to my gay youth group thingy. We had more people show up this time than usual and that was good. Everyone there is really nice and going there is something fun to do. We're currently making a poster for our group that we can put up in schools and around the city so that people who might need a group like this, can know that we exist.
Thanks for the comments and emails. It means a lot. I'll get around to responding to emails once i have time. Right now, i just don't feel like sitting here for an hour typing replies. But i've read everything and it does mean a lot, so thanks.
Okay, i'm off. I'm tired. I would have posted earlier but my Mum wouldn't let me have the computer. :/
much love
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Here's The Full Story.
Stuff it. Some people's opinions mean shit to me anyway.
This is most likely the most personal post i've made so i hope i don't regret this.
As you might have noticed, i've been home during the day during the last few months. That's cos i left my old school a while ago. I got sick of being 'the gay kid' and the other names you can think of to describe that. I got sick of being at a place where people hated me. I got sick of the name-calling and people saying things about me behind my back and laughing at me and throwing things at me and making fun of me. It wore me down till i was a fragile mess and some days just literally couldn't get out of bed in the morning. When i broke down one morning at the kitchen table it was quite obvious to both me and my Mum that i couldn't do it any more.
So i didn't go back to school again.
Why? Because i would have had a breakdown. My psychologists diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder cos of what had happened to me and everyone in my life felt it was the right decision just to remove me from school and get away from that crap.
I was sad and anxious all the time and barely spoke to anyone.
That was a few months ago and since then i've been feeling better. I was removed from a stressful situation and i've slowly felt happier and less worried/anxious/sad etc.
Tomorrow, i start at a new place. It's not a mainstream school because it teaches careers and skills as well as education and takes all ages over 16.
I'm nervous as hell. Not just cos i'm going to a new school, in the middle of a term but cos of this...
My psychologists also diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder and social phobia. They often go hand-in-hand and are an awful combination. I know what they're talking about is for real because it describes how i feel perfectly.
from wikipedia
Body dysmorphic disorder ... is a psychiatric disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or minor defect in their physical features. The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation. It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD...
It's a serious thing.
The disorder is linked to significantly diminished quality of life and co-morbid major depressive disorder and social phobia. With a completed-suicide rate more than double than that of major depression, and a suicidal ideation rate of around 80%, BDD is considered a major risk factor for suicide
As for me, i hate everything about myself and how i look. I've hinted to that before.
Then there's the social phobia.
Social anxiety disorder, also known as social anxiety or social phobia is a diagnosis within psychiatry and other mental health professions referring to excessive social anxiety (anxiety in social situations) causing abnormally considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some areas of daily life. The diagnosis can be of a specific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it.
That's me exactly. While i'm doing this, for those who keep asking, that ^ is why i don't show/post pics.
So, i worry about how i look a lot thanks to the body dysmorphia. And cos of the social phobia, i'm incredibly stressed and worried that people will judge me on how i act or look and it will be hard to feel comfortable and make friends.
So going to a new place for an education, will be incredibly hard for me, and that's what has been on my mind recently.
It's almost bedtime. When i wake up, it's time to get ready for school and i'm hoping i'll be okay. I'm terrified that i won't fit in, or that things will go the same way that they did at my old school. Plus, there's the tinyyyy fact that i'm a homosexual and that fucked up my life before. It's times like this that i wish i weren't gay.
My psychologists have given me a few tips to help reduce my stress and anxiety etc. so we'll just have to see how i go.
Wish me luck cos i'm sure as hell gonna need it.
love
This is most likely the most personal post i've made so i hope i don't regret this.
As you might have noticed, i've been home during the day during the last few months. That's cos i left my old school a while ago. I got sick of being 'the gay kid' and the other names you can think of to describe that. I got sick of being at a place where people hated me. I got sick of the name-calling and people saying things about me behind my back and laughing at me and throwing things at me and making fun of me. It wore me down till i was a fragile mess and some days just literally couldn't get out of bed in the morning. When i broke down one morning at the kitchen table it was quite obvious to both me and my Mum that i couldn't do it any more.
So i didn't go back to school again.
Why? Because i would have had a breakdown. My psychologists diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder cos of what had happened to me and everyone in my life felt it was the right decision just to remove me from school and get away from that crap.
I was sad and anxious all the time and barely spoke to anyone.
That was a few months ago and since then i've been feeling better. I was removed from a stressful situation and i've slowly felt happier and less worried/anxious/sad etc.
Tomorrow, i start at a new place. It's not a mainstream school because it teaches careers and skills as well as education and takes all ages over 16.
I'm nervous as hell. Not just cos i'm going to a new school, in the middle of a term but cos of this...
My psychologists also diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder and social phobia. They often go hand-in-hand and are an awful combination. I know what they're talking about is for real because it describes how i feel perfectly.
from wikipedia
Body dysmorphic disorder ... is a psychiatric disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or minor defect in their physical features. The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation. It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD...
It's a serious thing.
The disorder is linked to significantly diminished quality of life and co-morbid major depressive disorder and social phobia. With a completed-suicide rate more than double than that of major depression, and a suicidal ideation rate of around 80%, BDD is considered a major risk factor for suicide
As for me, i hate everything about myself and how i look. I've hinted to that before.
Then there's the social phobia.
Social anxiety disorder, also known as social anxiety or social phobia is a diagnosis within psychiatry and other mental health professions referring to excessive social anxiety (anxiety in social situations) causing abnormally considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some areas of daily life. The diagnosis can be of a specific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalized disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it.
That's me exactly. While i'm doing this, for those who keep asking, that ^ is why i don't show/post pics.
So, i worry about how i look a lot thanks to the body dysmorphia. And cos of the social phobia, i'm incredibly stressed and worried that people will judge me on how i act or look and it will be hard to feel comfortable and make friends.
So going to a new place for an education, will be incredibly hard for me, and that's what has been on my mind recently.
It's almost bedtime. When i wake up, it's time to get ready for school and i'm hoping i'll be okay. I'm terrified that i won't fit in, or that things will go the same way that they did at my old school. Plus, there's the tinyyyy fact that i'm a homosexual and that fucked up my life before. It's times like this that i wish i weren't gay.
My psychologists have given me a few tips to help reduce my stress and anxiety etc. so we'll just have to see how i go.
Wish me luck cos i'm sure as hell gonna need it.
love
Well...
I really don't have anything interesting to post about these days. :(
The major thing in my life right now, even though it's always on my mind, i can't post about, because some people who know me in real life know about my blog and i'd prefer them not knowing about it.
So that kinda sucks. I wish i could be anonymous again, but i can't, now that people know who i am.
I've got nothing to post about.
love
The major thing in my life right now, even though it's always on my mind, i can't post about, because some people who know me in real life know about my blog and i'd prefer them not knowing about it.
So that kinda sucks. I wish i could be anonymous again, but i can't, now that people know who i am.
I've got nothing to post about.
love
Friday, May 22, 2009
It's My Birthday (in case you didn't already know). :P
Yeah woot woot. :P
I didn't do much. After my psych appointment Mum bought me a Wii game, and then we did grocery shopping and had dinner with my Grandma at a restaurant.
Probly the best thing though, was all the love you guys showed me.
I really wasn't expecting anything, but you guys were really sweet. :)
I got texts from people with my number, emails from readers and friends and some of you bloggers even made posts for me. *feels really really special* :)
A big THANK YOU to everyone who cared about me.
I didn't do much. After my psych appointment Mum bought me a Wii game, and then we did grocery shopping and had dinner with my Grandma at a restaurant.
Probly the best thing though, was all the love you guys showed me.
I really wasn't expecting anything, but you guys were really sweet. :)
I got texts from people with my number, emails from readers and friends and some of you bloggers even made posts for me. *feels really really special* :)
A big THANK YOU to everyone who cared about me.
Here are some of my fav posts. :D
AJ. My best buddy. loves u heaps :)
AJ. My best buddy. loves u heaps :)
Col Col Cauliflower. ;)
Tylerrrrrrrrr. Posted some hair pics for me. :D
DW. One of my best pals. :)
Seth knows what mboy likes. ^_^
That's right i refer to myself in 3rd person. lol
And this freakin awesome post from deejohn of westasian. Pure awesomeness. *loves* ^_^
Much love everyone, from mboy. I'm honoured to know you all. :)
Also note, i changed my profile pic again. :P
Also note, i changed my profile pic again. :P
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Oi! Guess What.
I turn 16 tomorrow. :)
The only thing interesting about that number, is that it's also the age of consent for my state (even for gays). Woot woot.
Suck on that, other countries and states! lol
Of course that means nothing to me anyway. I've got no one to mess around with. :(
Anyhoo, i'm not doing anything special (other than another psychologists appointment. woot woot). I doubt i'll have a party, and i'm pretty sure i won't be getting many presents.
And for all the people who have been asking, there isn't really a way for you to send me anything. I'm pretty sure Amazon won't send here (the credits i already have i will trade for real moneys with Bob once i get a paypal account). So don't worry about it.
I guess you could buy me some porn. haha
That's all. :)
love
The only thing interesting about that number, is that it's also the age of consent for my state (even for gays). Woot woot.
Suck on that, other countries and states! lol
Of course that means nothing to me anyway. I've got no one to mess around with. :(
Anyhoo, i'm not doing anything special (other than another psychologists appointment. woot woot). I doubt i'll have a party, and i'm pretty sure i won't be getting many presents.
And for all the people who have been asking, there isn't really a way for you to send me anything. I'm pretty sure Amazon won't send here (the credits i already have i will trade for real moneys with Bob once i get a paypal account). So don't worry about it.
I guess you could buy me some porn. haha
That's all. :)
love
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