More Endings.

Well, surprisingly, today was my last psychologist appointment, and likely the last time i'll see her. She gave me a folder of worksheets and resources that i've used in the past, and the closure documentation is in the mail. And that's that.

It came as a shock to me as i didn't expect today to be the last day, but i guess it makes sense as i didn't really have much to talk about any more, and the stuff that i did, was all positive. The fact that it was such a shock could contribute to me not being too upset or worried, but i think i'll genuinely be okay on my own. And if i'm not, there's plan Bs and Cs.



Reece went home six days ago. Things are harder than i anticipated they would be without him. Having him here made even the most boring of things fun and enjoyable. Every day was awesome with him here, and now they're just... alright.

We're hoping to have him come back sometime around Christmas, and then i'll visit him sometime next year, assuming we're still together. :P



And school. I've been doing mad revision for Maths and English the past few weeks. It's been test exams and revision every day. The end-of-year, end-of-school final exams are only a week away now, the most important ones i've ever done, so things are pretty intense at school.

Before you get excited tho, let me remind you that i'm doing year 11 and 12 of school at the same time, over 2 years, as i'm year 11 age but advanced at doing Maths and English, so i'm doing the year 12 subjects of those. So this won't be my final year of school. I'll be back next year to do a few more year 12s.



But things are good. Mostly good. :)

My Blog Turns 2.

Well it axly had its second birthday a couple weeks ago but i didn't notice. :P

I know i haven't been posting much as of late. Sorry to say things aren't going to change, because it's intentional.

I've told my story now. It was one of overcoming troubles, learning and growing as a person.



I made this blog for me in the beginning. I was alone and felt like a freak in this conservative city of mine. I knew no like-minded people, no one who understood what it was like to like people of the same sex. I had no one i could talk to. So i was reached out to the internet in the hopes of finding people who understood what it was like to be gay. I did, and it was an incredible and invaluable experience, and now the fact that i'm gay doesn't have the tiniest impact on my day to day life, when it used to be a major issue. It's thanks to the people i've met online and for that i'm eternally grateful and thankful for having met you. That's the best thing about my blog for me.

But slowly Mirrorboy became less about me and more about helping others. I grew to be obsessed with helping people in the same sort of situation and that snowballed until i was eager to help anyone with any troubles any time, no matter how simple or intense.

I met more people. I got to know people more deeply. Everyone has shit in their lives, and i got caught up in everyone else's intentionally. Like i said, i got obsessed with helping, and soon my every thought was about my numerous online friends and how i could help them. I'd be freaking out some days about the issues my friends had. I'd even talk to my own psychologist about how i could better help my friends sort through their struggles.

I imploded. It got to be too much and i had to step back. I had enough on my own plate to deal with, and whenever i came back to blogworld i was faced with a loaded buffet of others' troubles. I would try and often fail to help people and it would hurt me hard. I know it was of my own doing, but perhaps i'd lost sight of reality and who i was. I couldn't fix the world, as much as i would try. I am after all, just a boy.

That's why i had to temporarily leave. To put things into perspective and come back knowing how much i could handle, and what i could not.

So things haven't been the same since i came back. For that i'm sorry. As much as i wish i could, i'm not able to help everyone with everything, and i've failed to live up to some people's expectations because of that, and sometimes my own.



I've told my story while getting caught up in others. I don't regret a moment of it. I grew as a person and i've made many friends i'll keep forever. I'm sure i've helped some people along the way. That's never a bad thing.

But i'm sitting in the back seat now. I'll watch over who i can. I'll read, often silently. I'll leave comments sometimes. I'll post occasionally to let you know how i am, but this is mostly for the friends i've made, not for an audience of anonymous people.

Mirrorboy has found his place in blogworld.

And Mirrorboy has found his place in me.

It's the back seat.

Huzzah. :3

So he's here and everything is good. :P We get along really well and do fun stuffs together. Dunno what else to say really. :P

He's really tall. O: I'm 170 cms and he's 190 cms. So if we wanna hug i can't put my head on his shoulder. :P

And he's skinny as hell. o_o I need to fatten him up. :3

And he's cute and sexy. :P

Dunno what else to say. Things are good. ^_^ If there's somethin you wanna know leave a comment and i'll answer it in the comments section. :P

<3

Beginnings and Endings.

Well, school is done for the term. I'm on my 2 week break now. ^_^ However once the next term starts (because it's year 12) i'll be doing insane revision and solid prep for the end-of-year uber-important exams. o_o

In other news, when i saw my psychologist the other day she told me that she thinks it might be time for me to stop going to see her. I've learnt a lot of skills and gained a lot of knowledge about how i work so it might be time for me to try and make it on my own.

I've gotta admit, the idea kind of freaks me out. As long as i've had her, no problem has ever been unsolvable. Nothing has been off limits and I could talk to her about things that to anyone else in my life would sound insane. She's helped me infinitely in so many areas of my life that i'd struggled with sometimes for such a long time, to such a degree that i couldn't even begin to explain.

...I think i'll be okay.

I hope so.



On a happier note, things are going swell with Reece and I. He gets here tomorrow at 4:30. I'm nervous as heck and stressed as hell.

But also excited. ^_^

The Other Side.

For anyone who took an interest in my previous post, or is familiar with Kakistos (aka my current online bf) and his old blog, i strongly suggest you follow this link to his new blog, Falling Awake. :3

Specifically relating to our relationship is this post. Dare i say, he presents a more eloquent and meaningful interpretation of our relationship than me :S, and it gives you a bit of history about him and a bit of insight into who he is.

I think he addresses a lot of what may be your concerns, and expresses his motivations, and also shows his maturity, so's there's not much else i can do than strongly urge you to go read. ;)

News. O:

I have a boyfriend! :P

We found each other on twitter first, and tweeted back and forth for a few days. We started speaking on MSN and ended up speaking for the entire day. I got his mobile number and we've been constantly texting all day since then as well. We've started playing WoW together too.

We just really clicked. We found out we had so many things in common and that we really enjoy being together (even if it is online). We didn't make a conscious decision to be boyfriends; it just happened. Like i told my psychologist, as we got to know each other, our relationship just naturally progressed down the boyfriend path. To use a very tired expression, it was like we already knew each other. :3

Here's his twitter if you're interested. (Used with permission) :P

We have just about everything in common that we could possibly think of. He's much more mature than my ex and treats me a whole lot better too. He's smart, he's sensitive to how i feel, he's honest and selfless... Okay i won't blab on about that stuff. :P



I told my Mum and she didn't take it very well. In our usual sort of argument she yelled over the top of me and wouldn't let me express myself until she'd blasted her opinions into my face so much that i left the room. (This happened inside a takeaway restaurant while waiting for food...) She thinks he's going to hurt me the same way Bitchboy did and says i haven't learnt my lesson.

Of course if there's anything i've done from that it's learn. I can't be hopelessly devoted to someone and wrap all hopes of my future up in our relationship. I can't let someone be mean to me just because they cuddle me at night. I can't rely on someone to always be there to make me feel good, because they just might leave.

And my psychologist agrees with me. She suggested that i write a letter to my mother telling her how i feel as talking to her isn't an effective way to communicate. :3 And i will, and i expect it to work because i know i'm right.



Anyways, the plan for now is to have him come down to visit me in a month's time, because that's when my 2-week school break starts. Should be good. ^_^

Still Here. :P

It's only been a couple weeks but i figured i should post an update. Hopefully people still axly read this thing. >_> lol

I've started a new kind of treatment with my psychologist called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It's about mindfulness and accepting the shit in your life and the things that you have trouble with, and rather than struggling with it and trying to fix it, you accept it and let it wash over you without fighting it and get on with what's important to you.

From Wikipedia (So it must be true :P)...

"As a simple way to summarize the model, ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the acronym, FEAR:

Fusion with your thoughts
Evaluation of experience
Avoidance of your experience
Reason giving for your behaviour

And the healthy alternative is to ACT:

Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

"ACT commonly employs six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:

Cognitive defusion: Learning to perceive thoughts, images, emotions, and memories as what they are, not what they appear to be.
Acceptance: Allowing them to come and go without struggling with them.
Contact with the present moment: Awareness of the here and now, experienced with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
Observing the self: Accessing a transcendent sense of self, a continuity of consciousness which is unchanging.
Values: Discovering what is most important to one's true self.
Committed action: Setting goals according to values and carrying them out responsibly."

If you're aware of your thoughts, you can't be your thoughts.

Obviously there's a lot more involved than what i wrote but that's the main aspect. :P

I like it a lot so far. One thing it has helped me with a lot is my writing. Writing is the thing i value most in my life right now, and i'd barely been writing much at all for a long period of time. It's helped me to get over my perfectionism and just get stuff down on a page. So that's awesome. :3 And of course it's helping with the anxiety too. We've tried a lot of different techniques in the past and this is the one that i think most fits with me.

A'ight well that's one aspect of my life caught up on. I might post about my writing in the next couple of days if anyone cares. :P

And i've got other stuff to post about too so see you soon. (:

Don't forget you can follow me on Twitter now. :3

<3