A message.

I occasionally revisit my blog when I need to look up a date or some other detail from my past. It's convenient to have chronicled every major life event from my adolescence, though to be honest, a lot of it makes me cringe.

Unfortunately, scrolling down the page is like strolling through a graveyard where many of my friends are buried. That's the double-edged sword of the internet: you have access to so many lovely, amazing people, but they can so easily slip away like semen in the shower and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm thankful that a lot of the people I met through this blog are still some of my best friends, or even grew closer to me after I quit blogging.

Some of you dip in and out of my life, just to say hi or let me know how you're going, and I'm glad to have that contact. My life is better for knowing you people.

There are people whom I didn't know that well but that I cared about, whose blogs I read and commented on, or shared emails with, just to say that I was there for you. I remember you all more than you might think.

There are others that I used to speak to almost every day, who helped me through a terrible time in my life and whom I genuinely loved for that and whom I loved as people, but that I haven't spoken to in years ... though it feels like an eternity. There's a hole in my heart for you bastards.

It's a hard life being gay/bi/trans. We've all had to deal with a lot of shit, shit that we shouldn't have to, but have to nonetheless ... Sometimes life's just a royal cunt and deals you a poker hand full of jokers. I lost contact with some of you when times were toughest for you, while others just vanished without reason. I worry about you. I hope that you are well.

If any of you read this, now, or years after this is posted, even if we only spoke once, whether things are fantastic or fucked, know that I would love to hear from you. My email is the same now as it was for the life of this blog: paperkirbypnk at hotmail.com. You can also leave a comment on this post for me to read without publishing.

Writing. Chapter 2.

I’m happy to say that soon after my last blog post, I finished my story plan, and started writing my novel. Named it Saviour.

I spent the last 47 days working on that thing, and in that time wrote 11 chapters, 42,251 words, 234,482 tikky-takky keyboard characters (a lot more considering all the backspacing I did). Still, it wasn’t finished. Very far from it.

There are some sections I am very proud of, some I hate. There were moments of pleasure when I came up with a clever description, or threw in something devious and fun that gave my juice to work with, and one part where the words got me so emotional that I cried for my protagonist.

But the amount of work involved… So huuuuuge. My story plan was so big, and I didn’t understand the amount of word-work that would translate into when it came to writing. Such a monstrous endeavour. Barring extensive rewriting and replanning, it would probably amount to a trilogy’s worth of content. And its acts wouldn’t work that way.

The stress was relative to its size. The pressure, often crippling.

Creating worlds, religions, characters. I had to do so much research. Medieval farming methods, practice of taoism and managing its paradoxes, ye olde type clothing, materials, occupations, farming, blacksmithing, hunting, etc etc.

And every decision needed to be the right one, because it’s all well and good to say it’s a first draft and nothing should be set in stone, but if I design something in some way, and in 20 chapters’ time it conflicts with a crucial event, the amount of rewriting that would require is terrifying. I’m back at uni soon. Getting a job after that. Impossible.

And even as I wrote it, I knew that I was good, but not good enough. Not publishable good enough. Editing usually fixes that, but that would take longer than writing the thing, and writing it was going to take me an eternity of hellish stress on its own.

Last night, I came to the conclusion that I can’t do this story any more.

Last night I knew it was time to give this one up, put it on the shelf and let it gather dust.

And last night, I started something new. Not even intending it to be a story. Just took a random idea from a random place and ran with it.

No purpose. No stress.

Just writing, letting my mind take me wherever it wanted to take me.

No second-guessing.

No pressure.

And it was the best fucking thing I’ve ever written.

Rough around the edges, sure. But it was a pleasure to write, and a pleasure to read. That’s what writing should be, that’s what it needs to be, for me, if it’s going to survive while I have other commitments taking up my time.

As if I’m going to want to sit down in my spare time and face a page of words that make me despise myself (because I’m not good enough to do the grand ideas in my head justice) and fret about the gargantuan amount of shit I'll have to do in the future to fix it up, when I’m already stressed about exams and essays and lab reports/work?

I’m not hating on myself. I am an amateur writer, after all. Of course I’m not able to write a huge novel from the get-go. That’s a huge undertaking even for a pro.

I am fully at peace with this. I don’t regret the work that I put into Saviour. If nothing else, it served as a furnace for tempering my craft. I learnt so much about structure and grammar during this, critically reading to find out how authors I respected found ways around the problems that I was facing, and incorporating that into my own work. I learnt skills about how to give subtle, unobtrusive back-story, incidental character description to avoid boring chunks, practiced finding the right words to give a sentence the impact that I desired.

It made me a far better writer than I was before, and that’s exactly what I should be focused on right now.

I needed to take the wrong path before I could figure out what the right one was.

Right now, that's Scumbag. I've taken a vastly different approach to storytelling than I did for Saviour. First-person rather than third-person subjective, present tense rather than past. It’s got swearing, attitude, a despicable protagonist. Lets me be more emotive, more exciting.

So with Saviour set aside, I approach the future more optimistically, and much more excitedly. I’m going to write want I want to write, whatever that is. If this new story doesn’t work out, and I'm not even aiming for it to be a story, I’ll set it aside too, and start anew with another random idea, because being a writer is my dream, and I know I'll never give up. 

It'll be much easier to keep this kind of thing up while I have other commitments, and really, that's all that I'm worried about for now.

Writing.

With my first year of university now over, I have a few months off. I’m happy to say that I'm still working on writing a story. This isn’t the same one I used to make posts about on my writing blog, but rather it’s about a different idea that I’ve had for quite some time, and have worked on periodically for the past few years.

The amount of attention it’s been given has increased dramatically this year, and especially as of late. I’ve filled two workbooks with notes, and in the past couple of months have written a 7500 word outline of the story’s main points. During the past few days i’ve been working on refining my main characters’ throughlines for clarity and condensing events to lose redundant scenes. So it’s still in the planning stage.

I’m determined to get this right. I read a lot of writing blogs, articles and books by authors and editors about the storywriting process, to help me identify common areas that writers struggle with so that I can work on them myself. I rework and rethink every aspect of the story to see what could be improved, or even cut, which is often difficult when you’ve put effort into something.

With all the free time that I have now, I wish I could say that my story is progressing rapidly. But this isn’t a perfect world, and I'm not a perfect person. It’s a fantasy story. I created the world, its people and everything in it, and the story spans the greater part of an entire continent and follows several characters. And that takes a lot of work. Hard work. And nobody likes hard work.

My writing process is a cycle of motivation, hard work and pleasure at progress, then utter despair at the seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me, akin to scaling Mount Everest while the mountain itself taunts you and laughs at you. The more I refine one area, the more I notice about what’s wrong with the others. Sometimes I find a great solution to one problem, but then that has huge effects on other aspects which creates more problems which need more solutions. I doubt my ability to rise to the task stretching before me. Stress and anxiety are common partners in this process, because this part of editing a story is all about looking at all the shit you've done wrong and attempting to fix it, one little bit at a time.

And then I stop to reflect. I reassure myself that this is normal. That every writer starts with something terrible and incomplete and after a lot of hard work, attempts to sculpt it into something amazing that they can be proud of. I consider my progress. And then the motivation returns, and I work. But sometimes this can take a day or two. And that only makes me feel guilty because I’ve wasted time.

I suppose I'm getting better at it. It’s funny, that the more progress you make, the easier it becomes, because you slowly build a really solid foundation that you can be sure of, and even proud of. It’s like building a house. As you lock things in and lay down more and more bricks, you start to get a shelter that you can sleep in. Then you just have to decide what furniture and carpet and wallpaper you want.

There are a few twists in my story that I really like, and perhaps the part that I'm most proud of is the conclusion - I spent many days trying to come up with a solution, and when I found it I shouted out “yes! YES!” because it worked so well. You chase those “yes!” moments because you know when something works well - it falls into place like a jigsaw piece, and you can feel good about it. Those are moments that inspire and motivate, but reaching them requires a lot of work.

Hard work.

That I should probably get back to...

A Note on Social Anxiety.

Mine is in regression. It does not disable me, nor prevent me from living my life the way i want to, in the way that it used to.

In no way does that mean its effect on me is no longer an issue. It is still a part of my everyday life. It's still entirely and utterly unpleasant and stressful.


I can best describe it with an analogy. Here's an example:

I'm just back at university, and yesterday i had the first tutorial of a course (which is where a tutor guides a couple of dozen students through hands-on course work with discussion).

Think of my anxiety as water in a saucepan. The tutorial's about to start, so i walk into the room with all of the other students.

I don't know most of these people.
Where am i going to sit?
What's going to happen in this tutorial?
I hope i don't get stuck next to that guy who always stinks.

If cold water means i'm perfectly calm, and hot water means i'm stressing out, we can fill the saucepan with warm water as a starting point. I'm somewhat nervous about what's going to happen, but then again, so are most of the other people, and my level of anxiety could probably be called typical.

The tutor stands up, does his introduction, runs us through a little bit of what tutorials are going to involve, and then says we're going to do an ice-breaker.

Fuck.

Put the saucepan on the stove, and turn it onto a medium heat.

Had this been a few years ago, you'd have been pouring the water into an electric kettle, wrapping it in an electric blanket and turning it on, putting it on the stove on a high heat, enclosing the kitchen in a stove, setting the stove on fire, then tossing it into the fiery pits of Hell.

To speak publicly, to strangers, as a social phobe, is akin to asking an arachnophobe to lie down in a bath full of tarantulas.

But i've had treatment and exposure. So i can manage.

I really want to make friends.
I have to make a good first impression.
I know i'm going to get anxious.
I can feel myself blushing already.
But i can do this.

It's entirely irrational. Most phobias are. I've had treatment for social anxiety, i've worked in customer service, i'm introspective, i wrote an goddamn essay on social anxiety. I've had years to get to know this disorder and all its ins and outs. Prior to that, the thoughts were:

What if i say or do something stupid?
Everything will think i'm weird.
I won't be able to make any friends and i'll ruin the entire semester and be depressed.

Casebook stuff for a social phobia diagnosis.

But those thoughts don't trouble me so much these days.

It's difficult to explain. After years of suffering, your body becomes conditioned in its response to provoking situations. Eventually, it becomes such a reflex that you begin anticipating anxiety.

You can rid yourself of irrational thoughts. Irrational reflexes are much harder to erode. So you become anxious about becoming anxious - about displaying typical signs and symptoms of anxiety. This nasty fucker of a disorder wraps its tendrils around your brain so tightly that no matter how hard you try, once it's in you, it's in there for life. It feeds back on itself and you begin to fear fear itself.

But, like i said, i manage. How?

Commitment.

I don't just want to suffer through this.
I want to make friends.
I want to have a good time.
I can do this.

I've just been informed i have to face my fears, and this ice-breaker's coming at me like a truck. My saucepan's starting to simmer on its medium heat by the time the tutor's finished explaining it. You have to tell the class your name, why you chose Psych, and a random fact about yourself.

I know how my anxiety works. If the speeches start in some corner of the room and slowly, painfully, inevitably, creep towards me, like i'm the movie hero strapped to a table with a deadly laser creeping towards my balls, my water will be boiling by the time it gets to my turn.

So i volunteer to go first.

Crank the stove up to high, and i'm on the clock. What follows is a tentative balance between chasing my goals and doing myself proud and then quickly-shutting-it-down-before-the-saucepan-boils-over. I give myself as much space as i can to be humourous or interesting without the cracks of what's going on inside showing.

Then it's over.

I grit my teeth inside my mouth, and squeeze the chair under the table with my hands so that it hurts, while pretending to listen to the next person but really not hearing a word, and let the anxiety wash over myself. The saucepan's off the stove, and it's still too hot to touch, but it's cooling slowly.

I could have given short, succinct answers possible. I could have said my favourite colour was red and be done, instead of telling the class about my three pet rats, who are just the cutest, and who live in a huge cage with four levels, who we let out to run around on the bed but obviously not on the floor because that would be silly.

I could have not ridden that fine line, and that would have been a lot less stressful. It would have been a lot easier. But where does easy get you? Would i be pursuing my goals?

Each and every day i step outside is a challenge. Sometimes i don't feel up to it. Whether that be getting my boyfriend to order dinner instead of me, staying in my room when my housemates have visitors over, or passing up an opportunity to socialise because the anxiety is uncomfortable.

Is that okay? Some of you might think so. But it's not. I'm not okay with that. Why should i be? Fuck that. If i'm lazy or complacent i'm not being the best person i can be and i'm missing out. I want to be happy, because i deserve to be.

It's a daily battle with myself, but i know my opponent well, and i'm winning.

Addendum.

Well here i am again. I suppose i'm doing this more for myself than anyone else. This blog represents an important part of my life and i think it deserves this post.

To be cliche, it's hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 years since i closed it down at the end of 2010. Since then i've had many adventures, and misadventures, and have grown and changed as a person at my very core - so much so that i'll attempt to be as succinct as possible as i summarise the past few years of my life.

And i'll start at the start, and by that of course, i mean the end of my blog.

First steps.

Having stopped receiving treatment for my anxiety disorder in October 2010, i guess i experienced something of a relapse. In fact, my former therapist and i had decided that i'd call her a month after i stopped going to sessions, but i was so embarrassed by how i'd slipped backwards that i never made that phone call. Without that constant checking of progress, that safe place where i could talk about everything i was going through, that encouragement to improve, it became harder for me to expose myself to the situations i feared.

When my final year of school commenced at the start of 2011, a few months later, i was faced with another year of sitting in silence in a classroom, of fear and anxiety of opening my mouth in case i said something stupid, and of being alone in a room full of others. So i worked hard, and put into practice the skills i'd learnt. And that was the best year of school i'd had in a long time. Although rather deficient in interpersonal skills, i tried hard to make friends, contribute to discussions, and take control over my anxiety.

That was the best year of school i'd experienced in a long time, and i could leave the house each day with a little less anxiety than the day before. But when the year drew to a close, and i looked back on how much i had improved, i was struck with a sadness that it had taken me that long to regain control of my life and functioning. I said goodbye to the friends i'd made, and to a situation that used to terrify me but that i'd managed to become comfortable in.

I'd known my online boyfriend, known on here as Kakistos, for about 18 months by the end of 2011. During that period we'd visited each other a few times and got along fantastically in person. As we lived interstate, me in Victoria, him in Queensland, the times we got to see each other - usually only for about a week at a time - were divided by 4-6 months of being apart, and were always bittersweet. But even while we were apart we kept in contact constantly, and i'm greatful for online gaming for allowing us to share a virtual space with each other.

Some of you may recall that it was always my plan to move to Melbourne as soon as i could. The town in which i lived was a poisonous place, and held nothing for me. So on the day that i did leave, Dec 1 2011, an empowering day for me as you could imagine, i did catch the train to Melbourne. And then i caught a plane, and flew directly to Queensland.

It goes without saying that that was a huge step for me, and i did it alone. My mum, my cats, my nan, and my family stayed in Victoria. That day was a mix of liberation, of joy at being rid of my old life, of nervous excitement, and a healthy dose of anxiety about what the future would hold. It was also a long, long, hellish day for unrelated reasons, which served to make me more emotional, but also more determined.

My boyfriend met me at the airport, and drove me to my new house, which we shared with two of his friends, one of their girlfriends, and a friend of a friend (who turned out to be the housemate from hell). I went from living in a house with my mother who often worked, to sharing one with five other people. Those housemates put us through hell relentlessly, but i had my boyfriend by my side to rant about them with during car trips, and in bed at night.

A job.

I lived off savings for a few months, but as that money started to dwindle, the inevitable prospect of getting a job loomed ever closer. I had no choice but to start applying for jobs. I was anxious about the interviews, but i got accepted for the second position i applied for:

Serving customers at McDonalds.

When i went in to hand in my application letter, and saw the registers, the screens, the employees, the customers, i didn't think i could do it. There was no way i could do it. God, in my daily life it was a nerve-wracking experience to even place an order. Being faced with the prospect of standing on the other side of that counter, with nowhere to hide, and lines of people waiting to come up and interact (the very thing i had a diagnosed phobia of) with me, terrified the shit out of me.

As my first shifts drew closer, my anxiety skyrocketed. For me this was the equivalent to being thrown in the deep end of a pool when you can hardly swim. Somehow i made it to work for my first shift. Unfortunately, for someone who needed it the most, my crew trainer was hopeless, and put me on the counter, with customers, without even showing me how to take orders or operate the register.

It's honestly painful for me to think about my first weeks of work. They were hellish. Customers are grumpy enough until you start fucking up their order and have to give them refunds on things. People come in and ask for a soy, half-strength latte, from the McCafe, served extra hot, in a mug, and i don't even know where the button for a latte is... I had to give refunds for about two thirds of the orders i took during my first shifts. 

But i survived. Sure, i'd go home and shake and quiver and cry and get no sleep, but then i'd go back the next day and do a little bit better. Not really an ideal way of operating, but i didn't give up.

A couple of months after starting, i moved to a new store that had just opened, and it's there, with bit of experience under my belt, that i started to make strides.

I worked there for a year, and by the end of that time i'd grown quite adept at order-taking and customer-soothing. But surprisingly it's in interacting with my coworkers that i benefited the most. At 19 years old, i learned how to get to know people. I learned how to maintain an interaction, and how to hold a conversation with someone. Those were skills i had always lacked. They were the deficits that had prevented me from making friends. I'd been on this planet for almost two decades but until that point i'd seen people talking to their peers at school or at work and not be able to fathom how they'd gotten to that stage, how they'd created a relationship from nothing. By the time i left McDonalds, i was also leaving behind friends who were important to me. 

But i don't miss dealing with customers.

University.

It's during 2012 that i applied to Griffith University to enrol in a Bachelor of Psychological Science. I was accepted, and began my study this year. I had my final exam for the first semester of subjects only last week.

Studying Psychology wasn't an idea that entered my head until probably my last year of school, but when i first had the idea, it became a persistent one. Having completed a semester of study now, i can be absolutely sure that i've followed the right path.

I was anxious as the first day approached, but as soon as i arrived, and could fall back on the arsenal of skills i'd developed from my experiences since leaving home, and during therapy, my anxiety subsided, and i could experience the situation i was in more fully and honestly as myself. Since then, i've prospered at university.

I made a new friend every day at university for the first 5 days and have made more since. I got along fantastically with everyone in my 'learning group' for my Interpersonal Skills subject, and not only directed our group work and discussions, but kicked ass in the interaction role-play in which we had to perform. Additionally, although we only had to do one role-play each - i got mine out of the way in the first of 3 - i also volunteered to play the key role in the final one to assist my group members.

The work is challenging and interesting and i love it. The university environment is so diverse and that's exactly what i sought when i left my old town. The friends i've made get me to read and check their assignments before they send them in. We can stress about assignments together and talk about the subjects and support each other and do other friendy things. 

Funnily enough, one of my essays was even on social anxiety disorder.

Looking back.

The life i live now is a happy one. To know that only a few years ago i was in the grips of a disorder that was controlling my life is hard to assimilate with the person i am today. In moments of clarity when i look back on how far i've come i am filled with pride and give myself a mental high five.

Although it's becoming apparent to me that anxiety is going to be a lifelong companion, it's now a beast that i've tamed. I think the most hepful thing to come from studying Psychology, as well as a knowledge of how it is that your brain works, is that it fosters a critical, inquisitive mind. Today, when i start to fall into old unhelpful habits it's quite easy to pick myself up on it. And i'm not hard on myself, nor do i berate myself for the mistakes i make. Instead i am accepting of the nature of how i operate, and i continue on my course for personal growth. 

I've gained an appreciation for the finite nature of life. You have one go and then you're gone forever. I know that without support from the psychologists who treated me i'd have lived a life barely worth living, and that's a terrible scenario to think about, but it's important to me.

For not only is Psychology incredibly interesting, but to pursue a career in the field makes sense for the sort of person i am. I've always endeavoured to help others, even when it came at the cost of my own wellbeing. 

My psychologists gave me the building blocks to allow me to support myself, and it's because of their help that i am where i am today. Thanks to them, i broke free of a toxic environment i was in danger of losing myself to, and i'm not just living my life - i'm loving it.

To think that i'd be able to do that for other people is a truly wonderful thought.

Conclusion. :o

If there's one thing i've never wanted to be it's one of those bloggers who apologises for the lack of posts, or time between posts, every time they post.

I'm sorry.



I guess the end came into sight at the beginning of this year when i took a short leave from blogworld when it became too emotionally straining to be a strong presence around here. And that's a part of why i'm wrapping up now. For a long time after i started i was fully invested in this online world of ours and it became my life. I can't give my blog and its followers the attention they deserve any more. Between posting regularly, maintaining a bazillion links, reading blogs and commenting, reading and replying to emails and talking to readers on MSN etc i just can't do it any more.

Part of it is a time thing. I have a boyfriend who i'll admit is a major part of my life, a hobby that i struggle to give attention to, a final year of school that will be more work than ever, disorders and fears that i'm still learning to cope with on my own, and a job to find next year.

The other thing is that i've outlived my usefulness. I've shared my story now. I've given you the worst and best times of my life and told you how i dealt with them. For a while during so i was there to give advice and help to people who asked or needed it.

But now i'm just here. I don't have the time or strength to be invested in anyone else's life but my own, and i have little to contribute to this community any more.

This isn't easy for me in any sense of the word. But this was a long time coming and probably very overdue. This blog meant the world to me for years and i could try to explain just how much, but that would be a humungous wall of emotional text. Anyway, the people who've shared those times with me will know for themselves. :)



So, wut do?

I'll never forget the people i've met on here. I can't express how much you've helped me and changed me to be a better and stronger person. You were there for me when i struggled and were happy for me when i was happy, given me confidence when i had none to give myself, even helped me with my homework, and i hope i was the same for you in some way. I truly consider many of you to be friends, and lifelong ones at that. But our friendships are better suited to grow elsewhere than blogworld.

I won't be disappearing from the internets. I'm on Twitter every day. You can email me at the address in my sidebar and i'll get around to reading it sometime. Or you could email my main address which is under (MSN) on my blogger profile if it's important.

I won't delete my blog. It's like a diary to me. It's my history. In fact i should probly back it up. >_> I'll probly still lurk blogworld too. Maybe you'll even see an occasional comment. :P But i'll likely just read silently, to see how things are going for the people i care about. And if you desperately miss me or just want to see how i'm going, you can go to my Twitter page. You don't need an account to read what post. (My followers even got to see a pixure of my face :P)



So, that's it.

Thank you for everything.
Oh and Merry Christmas.
Love,
Mirrorboy.

English exam.

Well i just had my year 12 end-of-year English exam which counts towards half of my final mark for the year. I had 3 hours to do 3 essays. -.-

1 Text response. 1 Writing in Context piece. 1 Language Analysis.

After our 15 mins of reading time i decided to go with the Language Analysis first cos i'm pretty confident in identifying persuasive techniques in an opinion piece. :3 I managed to do a decent job of that and finished just in time.

Then i had a look at the other two sections. The Writing in Context part, where you write either an expository, persuasive or imaginative response, drawing on ideas from one of two texts to respond to the prompt, had a prompt that said 'Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong'. I was like "score!" and wrote a personal persuasive piece about being gay and all that crap. :P And finished just in time again.

Then i had to do the Text response, and that was the one i was least confident in. You have to write a response to one of two topics for one of two texts. They all looked pretty horrible but i chose "'When confronted with the mortality of others, the characters in Look Both Ways learn a great deal about themselves.' Discuss." I didn't do as well with that one and wrote a pretty bland and confused expository response that was kind of related to the topic. I was writing the last sentence of my conclusion when we were told to stop, and i wasn't able to finish it, so that bugged me. :/ But it's kay. :P

The main thing i focused on was just getting over my perfectionism and writing words down onto the page. That wasn't too much of an issue for the first two cos i was quite confident in what i was writing, but i hated the tripe i was serving up for the text response so it was a struggle to keep wading through it.

Anyway i did the best i could for the hardest work i've ever done. I'm happy with that. The multiple choice Maths exam is on Monday, and the written response Maths exam is on Thursday, but English was the one i was most concerned about.

:3

More Endings.

Well, surprisingly, today was my last psychologist appointment, and likely the last time i'll see her. She gave me a folder of worksheets and resources that i've used in the past, and the closure documentation is in the mail. And that's that.

It came as a shock to me as i didn't expect today to be the last day, but i guess it makes sense as i didn't really have much to talk about any more, and the stuff that i did, was all positive. The fact that it was such a shock could contribute to me not being too upset or worried, but i think i'll genuinely be okay on my own. And if i'm not, there's plan Bs and Cs.



Reece went home six days ago. Things are harder than i anticipated they would be without him. Having him here made even the most boring of things fun and enjoyable. Every day was awesome with him here, and now they're just... alright.

We're hoping to have him come back sometime around Christmas, and then i'll visit him sometime next year, assuming we're still together. :P



And school. I've been doing mad revision for Maths and English the past few weeks. It's been test exams and revision every day. The end-of-year, end-of-school final exams are only a week away now, the most important ones i've ever done, so things are pretty intense at school.

Before you get excited tho, let me remind you that i'm doing year 11 and 12 of school at the same time, over 2 years, as i'm year 11 age but advanced at doing Maths and English, so i'm doing the year 12 subjects of those. So this won't be my final year of school. I'll be back next year to do a few more year 12s.



But things are good. Mostly good. :)

My Blog Turns 2.

Well it axly had its second birthday a couple weeks ago but i didn't notice. :P

I know i haven't been posting much as of late. Sorry to say things aren't going to change, because it's intentional.

I've told my story now. It was one of overcoming troubles, learning and growing as a person.



I made this blog for me in the beginning. I was alone and felt like a freak in this conservative city of mine. I knew no like-minded people, no one who understood what it was like to like people of the same sex. I had no one i could talk to. So i was reached out to the internet in the hopes of finding people who understood what it was like to be gay. I did, and it was an incredible and invaluable experience, and now the fact that i'm gay doesn't have the tiniest impact on my day to day life, when it used to be a major issue. It's thanks to the people i've met online and for that i'm eternally grateful and thankful for having met you. That's the best thing about my blog for me.

But slowly Mirrorboy became less about me and more about helping others. I grew to be obsessed with helping people in the same sort of situation and that snowballed until i was eager to help anyone with any troubles any time, no matter how simple or intense.

I met more people. I got to know people more deeply. Everyone has shit in their lives, and i got caught up in everyone else's intentionally. Like i said, i got obsessed with helping, and soon my every thought was about my numerous online friends and how i could help them. I'd be freaking out some days about the issues my friends had. I'd even talk to my own psychologist about how i could better help my friends sort through their struggles.

I imploded. It got to be too much and i had to step back. I had enough on my own plate to deal with, and whenever i came back to blogworld i was faced with a loaded buffet of others' troubles. I would try and often fail to help people and it would hurt me hard. I know it was of my own doing, but perhaps i'd lost sight of reality and who i was. I couldn't fix the world, as much as i would try. I am after all, just a boy.

That's why i had to temporarily leave. To put things into perspective and come back knowing how much i could handle, and what i could not.

So things haven't been the same since i came back. For that i'm sorry. As much as i wish i could, i'm not able to help everyone with everything, and i've failed to live up to some people's expectations because of that, and sometimes my own.



I've told my story while getting caught up in others. I don't regret a moment of it. I grew as a person and i've made many friends i'll keep forever. I'm sure i've helped some people along the way. That's never a bad thing.

But i'm sitting in the back seat now. I'll watch over who i can. I'll read, often silently. I'll leave comments sometimes. I'll post occasionally to let you know how i am, but this is mostly for the friends i've made, not for an audience of anonymous people.

Mirrorboy has found his place in blogworld.

And Mirrorboy has found his place in me.

It's the back seat.

Huzzah. :3

So he's here and everything is good. :P We get along really well and do fun stuffs together. Dunno what else to say really. :P

He's really tall. O: I'm 170 cms and he's 190 cms. So if we wanna hug i can't put my head on his shoulder. :P

And he's skinny as hell. o_o I need to fatten him up. :3

And he's cute and sexy. :P

Dunno what else to say. Things are good. ^_^ If there's somethin you wanna know leave a comment and i'll answer it in the comments section. :P

<3

Beginnings and Endings.

Well, school is done for the term. I'm on my 2 week break now. ^_^ However once the next term starts (because it's year 12) i'll be doing insane revision and solid prep for the end-of-year uber-important exams. o_o

In other news, when i saw my psychologist the other day she told me that she thinks it might be time for me to stop going to see her. I've learnt a lot of skills and gained a lot of knowledge about how i work so it might be time for me to try and make it on my own.

I've gotta admit, the idea kind of freaks me out. As long as i've had her, no problem has ever been unsolvable. Nothing has been off limits and I could talk to her about things that to anyone else in my life would sound insane. She's helped me infinitely in so many areas of my life that i'd struggled with sometimes for such a long time, to such a degree that i couldn't even begin to explain.

...I think i'll be okay.

I hope so.



On a happier note, things are going swell with Reece and I. He gets here tomorrow at 4:30. I'm nervous as heck and stressed as hell.

But also excited. ^_^

The Other Side.

For anyone who took an interest in my previous post, or is familiar with Kakistos (aka my current online bf) and his old blog, i strongly suggest you follow this link to his new blog, Falling Awake. :3

Specifically relating to our relationship is this post. Dare i say, he presents a more eloquent and meaningful interpretation of our relationship than me :S, and it gives you a bit of history about him and a bit of insight into who he is.

I think he addresses a lot of what may be your concerns, and expresses his motivations, and also shows his maturity, so's there's not much else i can do than strongly urge you to go read. ;)

News. O:

I have a boyfriend! :P

We found each other on twitter first, and tweeted back and forth for a few days. We started speaking on MSN and ended up speaking for the entire day. I got his mobile number and we've been constantly texting all day since then as well. We've started playing WoW together too.

We just really clicked. We found out we had so many things in common and that we really enjoy being together (even if it is online). We didn't make a conscious decision to be boyfriends; it just happened. Like i told my psychologist, as we got to know each other, our relationship just naturally progressed down the boyfriend path. To use a very tired expression, it was like we already knew each other. :3

Here's his twitter if you're interested. (Used with permission) :P

We have just about everything in common that we could possibly think of. He's much more mature than my ex and treats me a whole lot better too. He's smart, he's sensitive to how i feel, he's honest and selfless... Okay i won't blab on about that stuff. :P



I told my Mum and she didn't take it very well. In our usual sort of argument she yelled over the top of me and wouldn't let me express myself until she'd blasted her opinions into my face so much that i left the room. (This happened inside a takeaway restaurant while waiting for food...) She thinks he's going to hurt me the same way Bitchboy did and says i haven't learnt my lesson.

Of course if there's anything i've done from that it's learn. I can't be hopelessly devoted to someone and wrap all hopes of my future up in our relationship. I can't let someone be mean to me just because they cuddle me at night. I can't rely on someone to always be there to make me feel good, because they just might leave.

And my psychologist agrees with me. She suggested that i write a letter to my mother telling her how i feel as talking to her isn't an effective way to communicate. :3 And i will, and i expect it to work because i know i'm right.



Anyways, the plan for now is to have him come down to visit me in a month's time, because that's when my 2-week school break starts. Should be good. ^_^

Still Here. :P

It's only been a couple weeks but i figured i should post an update. Hopefully people still axly read this thing. >_> lol

I've started a new kind of treatment with my psychologist called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It's about mindfulness and accepting the shit in your life and the things that you have trouble with, and rather than struggling with it and trying to fix it, you accept it and let it wash over you without fighting it and get on with what's important to you.

From Wikipedia (So it must be true :P)...

"As a simple way to summarize the model, ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the acronym, FEAR:

Fusion with your thoughts
Evaluation of experience
Avoidance of your experience
Reason giving for your behaviour

And the healthy alternative is to ACT:

Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

"ACT commonly employs six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:

Cognitive defusion: Learning to perceive thoughts, images, emotions, and memories as what they are, not what they appear to be.
Acceptance: Allowing them to come and go without struggling with them.
Contact with the present moment: Awareness of the here and now, experienced with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
Observing the self: Accessing a transcendent sense of self, a continuity of consciousness which is unchanging.
Values: Discovering what is most important to one's true self.
Committed action: Setting goals according to values and carrying them out responsibly."

If you're aware of your thoughts, you can't be your thoughts.

Obviously there's a lot more involved than what i wrote but that's the main aspect. :P

I like it a lot so far. One thing it has helped me with a lot is my writing. Writing is the thing i value most in my life right now, and i'd barely been writing much at all for a long period of time. It's helped me to get over my perfectionism and just get stuff down on a page. So that's awesome. :3 And of course it's helping with the anxiety too. We've tried a lot of different techniques in the past and this is the one that i think most fits with me.

A'ight well that's one aspect of my life caught up on. I might post about my writing in the next couple of days if anyone cares. :P

And i've got other stuff to post about too so see you soon. (:

Don't forget you can follow me on Twitter now. :3

<3

Recommended Linx!

I wanna really suggest this song. Not only do i really like the sound, but i adore the lyrics and to me they have a very personal meaning. That's what makes certain songs stand out and be memorable to us. It's almost as if they're speaking, or singing, to us. Anyways, i love it so check it out if you feel like it.

Or if you live in the US, try this link.

And if you want to see the lyrics you can click here.



While i'm plugging Youtube Vids, one of my online friends has been making an online series and posting the episodes on Youtube. So if you want to see something funny by some amateur filmmakers then you should click this link and watch the "Population 94,000" videos. It does contain coarse language, shoddy fight scenes and gay stereotypes so don't click if you're overly sensitive. :P

And btw, my friend is the sexy black one. (; So you might wanna watch just for that. :P



And finally a blog. Louie is 19 and a creative writer like me, but rather than writing stories in a novel form, he wants to make movies. We have a lot in common, even in what we write and he's a genuinely nice guy. He used to have a blog and had to delete it, but has now returned so it would be good if you could all go welcome him back and say hi, and you might like what you read. :3

A'ight, time to listen to the song for a seventh time then get to bed. (:

Update.

Haven't posted in a while, so here i am. :)

Back to school tomorrow after my 2-week break. :/ I had to put up with majorly slow internet for the entire break cos we'd reached our cap, and it only reset today - the last day of the holiday. Stupidness. :/

Had a friend's birthday sleepover on Friday/Saturday. It was nice to see my friends again and have fun and feel less like Mirrorboy, and more like me.

Don't think about Bitboy much at all any more. Breaking up with me is his loss. Gotta feel bad for him though. He'll most likely never find a fulfilling relationship and will never do better than me. Meanwhile, i deserve better than someone so self-absorbed and hurtful. And that's the end of it.

Mum is doing good. As is my Grandma, and my cats. And i'm still working on my story. (:

A'ight. Can't think of much else so leave a comment if there's anything you wanna know. :3

Foar Warwy.

It's Wkboy's Blog's birthday and i just wanna make a post for the occasion, saying that you are one of my bestest friends. We have so much in common and so many similar interests and i'm really glad we know each other. You're one if the sweetest and most kind boys i've ever known in my life and it always makes me happy when you come online. (:

And you're amazingly sexy. o___o

Happy birfday... to your blog. :P

If you wanna share the love go visit his bday post.

<33333333

It's Over.

If you haven't been following me on Twitter this is the story.

I got sick of being ignored, feeling like Bitboy didn't care about me at all, and being on the absolute bottom of his priorities list, when he was supposed to be my friend, so i blocked him on msn. Bitboy got pissed off and sent me an abusive text.

I called him the next day and we spoke about it and we both said that we'd been feeling hurt by what had happened. We agreed that we needed to sort things out so that we could remain friends. The last thing he said before he had to go was that i should unblock him on MSN, presumably so we could talk.

2 days later with no contact and i text him. He doesn't reply. The next day (today) i call him and get his answering service. I say that we need to talk so that we can sort out what happened and move on. No reply. I sign on to MSN later and a mutual friend tells me that Bitboy has blocked me on both MSN and his phone because he wants no more contact with me.

It confuses me. He always told me he wanted to remain friends. He said he would always love me. He used to say i was the best thing in his life. He said we were soulmates.

We had a misunderstanding. I tried to fix things but he won't let me.

It doesn't add up.

And now it's over.

Who wants to contribute to a future best-seller? :D

In the process of reworking my story, Universes, i've began cutting everything unnecessary or unwanted. I've already cut an entire race because they played no real importance to the plot, and now i want to cut another - the Thoughtians - because they're just too complicated and hard to write for. However the Thoughts World still played an important part in the story - a part that i still think is necessary. So now i need a new race, and that's where i could use some suggestions.

The alliance of races are fighting against the evil Shadows. Each race has a unique 'power' that they harness to help in the fight. So what i have now are the...

Heatians who use fire powers
Waterians with water powers
Healthians who can heal and drain life
Speedians gifted with super-speed
Stonians capable of telekinesis
Airians able to fly
Sightians are the ones i cut before Thoughtians thanks to their lame invisibility powers
Thoughtians had mind control - ridiculously hard to write into battles

(I'm aware of how lame the names sound. I'm working on them too.)

So i'm looking for one or possibly more new races and could use any suggestions you could offer up. Please comment any ideas you get because i'm all out, and i need help. Just remember that they need to be useful to a battle scenario.

Please and thanks.
<3

My Other Love.

Tweet 1, last night: He's (Bitboy) an insensitive and confusing asshole. I hate him... So why can't i stop thinking about him every minute? )':

Tweet 2, soon after: God i really need to make some changes to my life. Things can't continue like this -.-

Tweet 3, today during lunch break: There's 2 loves of my life: Bitboy and writing. There's a hole in my soul that won't stop hurting. It's time to reclaim one.

Who would have thought Twitter would help me make important life decisions? :P

Ever since my traumatic school experience, i stopped my beloved writing. I couldn't concentrate because i was just so upset all the time. Then as time progressed and things improved, i'd look back on my half-finished novel and nitpick everything that was wrong or imperfect about it. I continually demotivated myself every time i sat down and looked at the 500 pages of Word documents in front of me, and eventually stopped writing altogether.



Paraphrasing my psychologist: "Sometimes when you don't feel you can do something is when you need to do it the most".

The number one thing i'm most proud of in my life is my writing. It's kept me going in ways i can't even begin to explain. It's been gone from my life for a long time and now i need to take it back, because, frankly, i have no motivation to exist any more. I need something to hang on to, to keep me going.

A couple weeks ago i started a 'Writing Book'. The first thing i wrote in it was the last post that i made on my Words Blog. Since then i've made the first page the 'rules page'. Yes, because my freakin perfectionism kept getting in the way of what i want to do, i've axly had to set rules for the book.

eg. Don't force myself to write, no crossing out, no hesitation (write what comes into my head), nothing is off-limits, nothing needs to be finished, what i write doesn't have to resemble any form of writing (story, poem etc), it doesn't have to make sense... In other words, stop trying to be perfect.

I've heeded my rules and the next thing i decided to write was a guide to oral sex. :P It's unfinished, too, and that's not a problem. The next page is bitching about Bitboy, and then a page of nonsense words, just immediately writing down whatever came into my head - axly an exercise that Mrs OC recommended in an English class once.



What i think i'm going to do in the near future is write down everything that my novel lacks. eg. A timeline, a developing relationship, an organised plot, complex emotion, etc. Then i'm going to try writing a short story for each element, involving it in some way. If i'm going to write a novel one day, and be happy with it, i can't be learning how to write its components as i write the actual thing.



My life is empty, and meaningless right now for me. When i had Bitboy, i had purpose, i had focus, i had a future. Bitboy is gone now, and those things went with him.

I may not be able to get him back, but i'm sure as hell going to reclaim those things, through other means.

I don't have any other choice.