Big Cat Pic Post.

K so i'm not actually doing anything 'special' for the last post of the year.

Instead, i'm just going to post some more cat pics. This time, it's just them in all their feline glory, without me enlarging their eyes or making things glow weird colours. :P

Some of my paragraphs are a bit weird, cos they always go weird when i post pics so... forgive me. ^_^

They all look better full-sized, so don't forget you can click on em.

I took these next 2 this morning, while my friendly little companion was keeping my company while i was on the computer.

He's actually beside me right now, as i'm writing this post.

I should thank Tig (Tiger) for being my mirrorboy mascot since the blog began.

You've probably noticed that my profile picture is one of him.

Such a handsome little cat. ^_^

I got this look on him by holding a chip above his head, which he ate afterwards. :P

His eyes always open up when food is involved.

He has a thing for having 1 arm hanging over the side of his chair.

Tig seems to have a fair few pics where one of his eyes is glowing... :O

Enough of Tig.

This is Jim (Jemima).

Our bossy, thin, loud little thing. She's not as photogenic, but when you get a good picture of her, it's a great one.

I took this one about an hour ago...

This next one is one of my all-time favourites...

Please click on it. I <3>

Okay... I couldn't resist warping a few of them. lol

Happy new year etc. although Australia is ahead of the majority of you so ours comes much sooner. Suck! ^_^

===>mirrorboy<===

M-Boy's year in review, as told through my diary.

Lol yup. I have a diary, in which i write the sort of stuff that i wouldn't tell anyone, let alone post on a blog for the world to see.

I also use it to keep track of everything major that happens in my life... so that one day, i would, perhaps, look back and remember.

It turned out that 2008 was the biggest year of my life by far.

So now i'm going to take a look back at some of the major and minor events of the year...

Only the ones that are suitable for blogging about, of course. ;)



It's not often that i make posts this personal...



I'll start with some things from my first entry, January the 5th.

I was optimistic.

At this stage, even as a 14yo, after a lot of work, i had lost 13.5 kilograms, or about 30 pounds. ^_^

I also wrote...

"I'm really starting to settle into my sexuality. I don't like girls, i do like boys. It's as simple as that. I just wish i had someone to be myself with."

On the 12th of January, i moaned about there only being 2 weeks left of my school holidays, and that i wouldn't get to wank as much as i wanted to anymore.

Also, i wrote...

"This morning i had an incredible dream. It was like a love dream. There were some incredible bits with a boy called Ben, who didn't talk much and was in a really Christian family who didn't like the fact that he was gay. In my dream i really loved him and we walked around his bright house with my arm around his back and up to his shoulder. It was a really nice dream and i wish i hadn't woken up..."

Almost all of my dreams are happy ones. I can't remember the last time i had a bad dream...

I was near the start of my story, and had only written 60 pages of it at this point.

In my January 25 entry, i wrote about how i was considering coming out to my friends, but didn't think i could because they were 'total homophobes'.



On the 2nd of February, after i had been at school for 2 days, my new-found self-confidence had disappeared.

"Well, the moment i walk through that gate, i slip back into being my old self. I'm too shy and i'm trying not to be noticed. I'm too self-conscious and i know that i can't change it unless i have a fresh start somewhere else..."

I was also considering coming out to my friend Matthew...

"But i'm not sure if he's mature enough to understand."

On the 18th of February, i wrote about getting my first taste of the internet at home, because i had gotten dial-up internet recently.

"I really want to look at some gay sites, but i just have to be careful that Mum doesn't find out - unless i want her to..."

Isn't that interesting? What was i thinking? lol

I wanted to be outed...

Obviously it was too much of a burden.



On the 2nd of March, i talked about how during days off, i 'reinforced my gay side'.

I'd been reading gay stories and coming-out stories on my new internet. That was a completely new world to me, and was helping me to accept myself more.

Yet i still indulged in a bit of self-hatred, listing things about myself which i hated.

It's no surprise that i seemed to put myself down more when school was on...

On the 13th of March, i struggled to answer when someone at school asked me if i was gay. They weren't even serious, but i still found it incredibly hard to say 'no'.

That hurt. I hated lying.

On the 21st of March, i wrote this... which i find incredibly amusing now... ^_^

"Internet stuff has me thinking, wouldn't it be great to be one of those tech-savvy people who could chat to people on the internet and make friends and stuff? Of course it would. Sometimes i think my life is so boring, but some good friends would make it so much better..."



You're starting to understand just how much this blog means to me now, aren't you?

This is the me before the blog, who spent nights dreaming of the life i have now.

Thank you all for being the friends i used to dream of having.



On the 3rd of April, i decided that having my best friend read my story, which had a gay character in it, would help me to judge if he was a homophobe or not, because i was seriously considering coming out to him.

I also referenced my desire for gay online friends.



It seems that during April, i talked a lot about how school was getting me down, and how i dreaded some subjects in particular because of the people who were in them.

I was taking sick days when i didn't need them.

And one of the worst decisions of my life, started on the 21st of April.

I wrote about it, although i didn't know what i was getting myself into.

"I've decided to wag school today. Mum has gone to her school for the day, so i just pray that she isn't home early."

Yeah... That's when 'that' started... We'll get to 'that' later though.



7th of May.

My Mum came into my room while i was wanking... to pictures on my pc. I pulled my blankets up in time, but while she was standing there... behind her, was my computer screen... with gay porn on it!

But... she didn't see them.

The funny thing is, although it was possibly terrible scenario...

I talked about how, for a moment there, i actually wanted her to see the pictures.

It's obvious how desperately i wanted to come out, even if it was out of my hands.



On the 10th of May, i moaned about how my Grandma was coming to stay at my house for 2 weeks while my Mum was away.

On the 18th though, i said it wasn't too bad. At least i didn't have to walk to and from school, because she drove me.

I didn't like it that she had early nights though, because i always had to turn my music down early. lol

On May the 26th, i wrote about how i was considering a gay relationship between 2 characters in my story, which goes to show that i was making most of it up while i went along. :P



Now... getting back to 'that' for a moment.

On the 10th of June, i wagged school again while Mum was out for the day.

Although i got caught and she was really angry... I did it again on the 17th.

-_-

But 'that' goes for a while yet... It comes to a conclusion later...



Now, something else major happens.

On the 24th of June, i was outed to my Mum - the 1st person ever.

She found the gay websites in my internet history which i had been looking at, and she called me out from my room.

"Why are you going to gay websites?" she said.

"...Why do you think?" i said hesitantly.

"...Are you gay?"

Silence...

"Are you gay?? It's a simple question! Yes or no?"

"...Yes."

She put her head in her hands.

I went back to my room while she talked to my gay cousin who she's close to, on the phone.

I wrote in my diary that...

"I'm quite relaxed. It's not the way that i wanted to come out, but i'm glad it happened. I can be myself around her now, i hope..."



Then later on that night, i wrote again...

"So, she's cool with it. We talked about a bunch of stuff. She's mostly worried that people will find out and make my life hell, but i'm trying to convince her that i can look after myself."

Then i started writing about how Rafael Nadal is hot... lol



This is interesting...

5th of July.

"I've been thinking about writing a blog. It might help me make some more friends... but i'm not even sure if a 15 year old is allowed to... and if i am, how far can i go? ...I need to do a bit of research, but if it's possible, it would be so much fun!"

10th of July.

"Anyways, i'm depressed cos i want gay friends... so badly. I hate my life so much cos i can't be myself anyone at school and i have to put up with my 'friends'' homophobic shit.

On the 12th, in big capital letters, i wrote.

MY LIFE SUCKS. I HATE MY LIFE.

I was really hating school.



Now, we come to 'that's conclusion.

On the 20th of July, i purposefully stayed up really late so i could have an excuse to have the day off from school the next day.

On the 23rd, i wagged school again while she was away for the day.

And... then i had a whole week off.

Every time i thought about school, i thought about how much of a hell it was, and i just preferred the warmth and safety of my own home, rather than the harshness of the school day.

I knew i was digging myself into a hole... but i still didn't stop.

"Staying home becomes a powerful addiction, cos i don't know if i really care anymore - putting up with c**ts every day."



Tuesday the 29th of July.

I actually titled it 'one more day'.

I'd decided that i would have that day off, and that the day after, i would go to school. I needed to get back there.

But... no.

I'd pushed it exactly ONE DAY too far.

That was the day the school rang my house.

This is exactly what i wrote and how i wrote it...

"FUCK!

One day too far...

The school rang home and now Mum knows... What's gonna happen now? She's going to kill me.

Fuck.

I'm fucked.
Why didn't i go?

1 day too much...

Fuck.
I'm fucked.
I'm really really fucked.

1 fucking day.

I'M FUCKED."



Mum made me ring the school, and i was put down as 'truant'.

I had to go see the school psychologist as well.

Then i was back to school, and more miserable than ever.

Mum was very strict with days off from then on. Whenever she had to leave early as well, my Grandmother would have to come over to make sure i went to school.

Happy days...



Well, we got past that issue. At the very least, it made me decide to never ever wag school again. My Mum was under a lot of stress and didn't need to be worrying about me as well, so i went to school from then on, and the days off that i did have, she knew about. :)

Perhaps i needed that slapped into me. lol

I'm a good boy now.

It's not an issue anymore. :)



This whole time, i had still been thinking blogs.

On the 13th of August, i took my first little step into this big world of blogging, and i left a comment as 'mirrorboy' on the Queers United blog, which i had been reading for quite a long time.

That was a BIG thing for me.

It was my first interaction with anyone gay, apart from my cousin who i wasn't very close to.

So, yeah, this was my first interaction with the gay world. It made me very happy when the author even replied to my comment.

You can see mirrorboy's first little step here. ^_^

It made me incredibly happy. :D

"It gives me more incentive to start my own blog."



Then, of course, that desire grew, and on the 17th of September, i took that huge step and started my own blog.

And then, the rest of my life plays out amongst the posts on here.

If you haven't read the whole thing, i post all about making my first gay online friends, how my hopes (and fears) became reality, and how i was also outed at school, which was the biggest turning-point of my life, as you can imagine.

So, i've been writing for quite a while now, and need to wrap up.



I hope you understand how much this blog, and all of YOU, mean to me now.

You give me strength, and as you have seen, i used to have so little that i barely had the strength to face school.

Now, i am an incredibly different, and much stronger, happier, and even a slightly more confident, person.

Let's hope the next year is a happier one.

lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Nothin.

Was gonna post, but then my Mum came out to the kitchen and wanted the pc... God i need the internet in my own room...

*head explodes... O_O

Enjoy these stupid pics.

I'm insane. lol

===>mirrorboy<===

My therapy.

I'm really glad i've got a break from school. I feel like, for the first time in a really loooong loooong time, i can be myself, and not instead be consumed by school worries.

I've realised that i'm much, much stronger during my break. I have a confidence now, which didn't exist while i was at school. And in general, i'm just so much happier. It's great. I wish i could be like this all the time...

I'm just going to enjoy it while i can.

I'm getting to know myself again.



===>mirrorboy<===

100th post.

K well... Merry Christmas etc.

I've decided that for this 100th post, i'm gonna try to come up with 100 random facts about me.

Some of these you may have heard before, some you won't have.

Let's get going then...



1. For Xmas, my Mum gave me pillows that give me neck pains, a router that doesn't fit, underwear that is too big, clothes that i had to fight for so she didn't pick them out herself... and some yummy chocolates. ^_^

2. For Xmas, my Grandma gave me a shaver thingy.

3. For Xmas, i gave my Mum earrings, which i picked out and payed for myself.

4. I had a haircut yesterday.

5. I wear my watch on my right hand, even though i'm right-handed.

6. My cat Tig has learnt to knock on the front door when he wants to come in.

7. I like wearing cargo pants and shorts.

8. I own a Nintendo Wii. Super Smash Bros Brawl ftw! :P

9. I'm a picky eater.

10. I love morning TV shows.

11. One of my neighbours is mowing their lawn right now... It's Christmas! Could you not have picked a better day!?

12. I like using plastic cutlery.

13. I like watching cooking shows on TV.

14. It's 11:30 and i was supposed to be picked up at 11:00 to go to Nan's house... bah! I'm gonna keep writing until they pick me up.

15. I hate all facial hair... Sorry. :/

16. I like to wrap my legs around things while i sleep.

17. I saw my favourite teacher up the street yesterday.

18. I say 'moneys' instead of 'money', 'dink' instead of 'drink', and 'hungee' instead of 'hungry'.

19. As far as i'm concerned, the only thing Spellcheck is good for is turning my i's into I's.

20. We don't own a car.

21. My favourite sport is tennis. I love watching it. I suck at 99% of sports known to man though...

22. I prefer undies to boxers.

23. There are 54 people on my msn list.

24. I have bad circulation and my hands and feet get cold really easily.

25. My hair is incredibly thick, and probably every hairdresser that has cut my hair in the past year has mentioned it.

26. I'm going to Nan's house now, and will resume writing when i get back...



27. K back. It's 5:30 pm now. Christmas is over. Pretty lame. Nice to see some of the family again though, including the recent 18-month old addition.

28. I sleep on my side and need 2 pillows.

29. I always set my alarm radio for 6:20... Although sometimes i get up and turn it off, and then just go back to sleep again.

30. I talk to myself.

31. I love rainy days in every way, even if i have to walk in them.

32. I use too many tissues because of my OCD. I go through about 4 boxes a week.

33. I plan on moving to the city of Melbourne as soon as i can.

34. I want to be a journalist.

35. I plan on travelling as much as i can. It means a lot to me.

36. I adore tigers.

37. I used to make small people out of blu-tack, and have them fight Lego people.

38. I freak out over any spiders.

39. My least favourite saying in the world is "whatever floats your boat".

40. I once got an eyeful of sand and it cut up the insides of my eyelids pretty bad.

41. A week later, i got an eyeful of sand again.

42. I speak a little French. Je parle un peu francais.

43. I also saw my old French teacher up the street yesterday at the optometrist.

44. My favourite Bond is Roger Moore. :P

45. I plan on never smoking.

46. I think bananas are the most repulsive food on the planet.

47. I have AB negative blood - the rarest blood type.

48. I once drank some bubble solution, thinking that i would be able to blow bubbles by breathing out. I ended up vomiting.

49. I have 2 middle names.

50. I'm great at procrastination.

51. I like having the curtains closed.

52. My feet have really high arches and they used to get really sore.

53. I <3 cauliflower, if it's cooked just right.

54. I love coffee-flavoured things, but can't stand actual coffee.

55. I believe in life forms existing somewhere other than Earth.

56. My legs turn to jelly when i'm at a height.

57. There are 343 links in my 'favourites' folder for the internet.

58. I can't stand smoking. It makes me feel sick.

59. Almost everyone in my family smokes...

60. I'm squeamish about blood and gore but i love zombie movies. Some are so bad, they're good. <3 Resident Evil

61. I think about things too much. I always recount the day's events when i'm in bed.

62. I am absolutely terrible at geography, directions and maps.

63. I eat fish and chips with mayonnaise.

64. When i was little, i wanted to be a chiropractor.

65. I HATE wearing baggy clothes. They make me feel incredibly self-conscious.

66. Mum always buys me things that are too big because she says i'll grow into them. It makes me want to cry.

67. It's very hard to argue with my Mum because she always wins.

68. I used to have a fear of the dark.

69. It pisses me off when people put '69' in their email addresses. Fuckin tools... :P

70. I've started feeling the urge to put smileys in my stories.

71. I'm a comment slut. I love getting comments.

72. I once rode a camel when they were at my school. It was so awesome. I wanted to get a camel after that.

73. I hate having people in my bedroom.

74. If i could have a superpower, it would be the ability to turn back time whenever i wanted.

75. When i'm standing, i never know what to do with my arms.

76. I can't eat anything slimey.

77. I feel sick after a few spoonfuls of yoghurt.

78. I think Dr. Phil is hilarious.

79. I actually love tests. :P

80. I like it when people ask me intimate questions.

81. I like people who ramble, especially if they're really random.

82. I love it when i dream... I don't dream enough.

83. I have very small hands and feet.

84. I once forced myself to throw up because i had a pain in my stomach.

85. My favourite celebrity is Natalie Bassingthwaighte.

86. I felt like i was in love with someone i knew online... but i haven't seen him in ages...

87. I feel like i'm too shy to ever meet anyone special. -_-

88. When i was little i was entranced by any sort of fire... o.O

89. I used to burn things all the time. I loved burning little things. It scared the shit out of my Mum. I think she thought i was a pyromaniac.

90. I love the smell of candles and matches.

91. My favourite smell in the world is the inside of a hot-water-bottle. o_O

92. The only bone i've ever broken was my little finger. I tripped over while i was at mini-golf and when i put my hand out to break my fall, my finger went in the opposite direction to the rest of my hand.

93. I can actually be quite manipulative of situations and people's emotions because i can get inside most people's heads easily.

94. I am really clumsy.

95. I LOVE axolotls. They are the cutest things in the world. If you don't know what they are, do a google search or something. <3<3<3

96. I always wished i had pet axolotls... -_-

97. I love the feeling of security. I close doors and windows and curtains, and when i sleep i curl up with my blanket tight. I want someone who will make me feel safe.

98. When i was 7, i tripped over while running and face-planted into asphalt. My two front teeth went THROUGH my upper lip. I still have a scar.

99. Physical looks mean very little to me... Although i don't really like wrinkly old hairy men. Sorry... *shudders

100. I want someone who loves me, more than anything else in the world.



Pheeeww! Done! That took me hours...

Now don't forget #71.

*wink wink

:)

And Merry Christmas, again.

===>mirrorboy<===

Stay... fucking... positive...

Christmas Eve.

Okay. I'm in a bad/sad/angry (!) mood because of lots of little things that together, are not making me feel that happy.

1. I had my contacts appointment at the optometrist today...

But nope, because my eyes have deteriorated so much since my last appointment over a year ago, we need to get a different lens thingy for them. So now i have to wait until Jan 6 when my next appointment is to see if they'll be okay...

Okay... i can deal with that. Glasses for Christmas, again... Fine. I'm disappointed, but i'll survive.

2. Power went out for a second before, and i had to start the internet up again.

3. I KNOW tomorrow is going to be lame.

It always is.

I have spend the WHOLE day with my family. *shudder

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family huh...

Okay... well, it's only once a year. We'll get through it...

4. I haven't seen my best online friend in ages. -_-

It's not really his fault cos i know he's been busy, but i just miss him so much. He means so much to me, more than anyone else in the world. I don't care if that's wrong. I just plain love him. And i miss him... so... so much...

5. Mum gave me the wireless router for Christmas...

I think it's the sort of model that won't fit in with what we've already got though.

Plug A into B. B is on C? No it's not! C doesn't have a B!! I must have the wrong sort of C...

If you know what i mean. If you don't, you get the idea anyway.

Everything we get fails...

I said to Mum "Kind of a bad year, huh..."

"Nah... Kind of a bad life."

Joy in my house...

We may have to get a different router.

6. Mum has a dental problem and has been in pain. And fucking hell, have i been hearing about it... Whenever she's in a bad mood, she always, always, always drags me down with her.

7. Doesn't sound like i'll be getting MY money which Mum BORROWED from ME over 6 months ago anytime soon.

8. It has been so fucking hot recently.

That's an Aussie Christmas for ya. Hot, dry, and full of flies, and also usually includes a bunch of hairy middle-aged blokes standing around a barbecue, having a beer. Woot...

9. I was trying to help out a person on msn earlier today, but every time i tried to make them feel better, even when i shared something that was very personal to me to try to relate to them, they would say something that pissed me off. For some reason it felt like he tried to make me feel bad for things i said.

Okay... Not worth my time. I shouldn't have even bothered.



BAH.



Well, i just had a look at some pics i photoshopped, and laughed my ass off. I'll post some of them before i post this.

I feel a little better already.

Anyways, it's always good to vent.

Don't whinge to me about me being a whiny little bitch. Don't forget it's my blog and i can say whatever i want.

And i haven't forgotten the good things in my life either, so there's still hope for me.

Merry Christmas. I can't wait til it's over. <3

Try and have fun everyone.

===>mirrorboy<===

Oh, and by the way, this was my 99th post. Tomorrow will be #100. Dunno what i'll do for it...

Photoshopped Cats.

^ You MUST click this to see the detail... ^

===>mirrorboy<===

Answers to common questions.

1. I am an only child. And yes, it is lonely. :(

2. I live with just my Mum. I honestly don't know what happened to my Dad because my Mum never talks about him. It has become the norm for me though.

3. My favourite music is the stuff like trance, techno and ambient stuff. My favourite band was the Rogue Traders although they've split up recently.

4. My star sign is Gemini. How ironic for an only child. -_-

5. My favourite movies are the Lord of the Rings ones. Geeky? Perhaps... :P

6. My favourite TV shows are mostly Australian so most of you wouldn't know them. I do like a lot of overseas ones like Heroes, Lost, Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, The Office (US), Dexter, <3<3 Survivor <3<3, My Family, The Mighty Boosh, Doctor Who, Little Britain, etc. :P

7. My favourite food is chocolate. :)

8. No, i've never done anything even remotely sexual with anyone... in real life. Online is another matter... woot woot woot woot woot ^_^

9. I don't believe in any particular religion but i do believe in an afterlife and probably even a higher being. I haven't really made up my mind for sure yet though. All i know is that we should enjoy the time we have, regardless of what's waiting for us afterwards.

10. Fav colour - pink. Fav numbers - 9 and 49. Fav letter - M.

11. Oh, and usually twice a day. ^_^

===>mirrorboy<===

Random stuff about my life, again. :P

- I can say fairly confidently that the sources of yesterday's sore neck were my new pillows.

After i slept on my old ones last night, i felt much better this morning. I'll keep my new ones though, cos they look really gay in their pink and purple satin pillow-cases. ^_^

- On Wednesday i've got my contacts appointment at the optometrist. I'll be trying them out and i'm hoping that my eyes will be able to tolerate them... So if all goes well, from Wednesday, i won't have to wear my glasses anymore. :)

*praaaaaaays

- Unfortunately i can't personally thank the 8 people who sent me Amazon moneys recently cos i don't have all of your email addresses. However, it does mean a lot to me that you all care so much. So thanks so much! I'll put it to good use. Promise. <3

- I've become an obsessive smiley user on msn. Watch out. lol - Mum's sitting out here in the kitchen while i'm typing, looking through a magazine and reading out articles to me... like her horoscope... -_-

- I giggle like a little boy when i use Photoshop to alter pictures of my cats so they have massive eyes and such...

- Oh, and i also giggled my head off when one of the short Wallace & Gromit movies was on TV the other night. It was 'The Wrong Trousers'. Seriously, if you have seen Wallace & Gromit and do not absolutely looooove it, you do not have a soul. Gromit is my MSN pic for now. <3

I used to watch them all the time when i was a really young kid growing up. When i watched it again the other night i felt like i was young and carefree again. The memories...

I will always love them.

- Also on memories, all my life Christmas had been a happy time for me. I think it always seemed to be the general 'air' of Christmas that made me happy...

This year, i'm kind of... meh... This one's gonna suck.

We have no decorations or tree whatsoever, so now the 'air' just smells of strong incense. *sneezes

I'm going to be getting very few presents from anyone... I think Nan's getting me a razor. Oh... uhh woot...

And Mum will be paying me $400!!

That she borrowed from ME half a year ago... gah!!

If i'm lucky she said she might get me wireless internet though, so that's cool. :)

- Heheh... Well i'm still positive. Christmas may be 'meh' but i'm in a generally good mood. It's amazing what a break from school can do for me. I'm actually in a good mood! Can you believe it?!

I see things very differently now compared to when i had school every weekday... I'm just chilling out, and having fun. It's nice. :)



- That's about it for now, although i just posted a few more cat pics before this... It's easier than putting them with this because the writing around pictures always f**ks up for me. lol :)

So... yeah... lol

This was perhaps my latest post, ever. :P

I need sleep... =_=



lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Cat pic post.

My cute little companion who sits with me while i'm on the computer. :)

Click it and you'll see all the detail. :)

Exactly how i sleep...

Although i'm not as cute as her. :P

===>mirrorboy<===

Kind of sucks.

Well... let's face it. These times are slow blog times. There ain't that much to do online, so i've got to find things to do in the 'real world'. lol

I've been working on my story, but i kind of led myself into a hard place where i'm stuck, so i'm giving it a rest for now.

There's also the fact that i slept in a really weird position last night, and when i woke up this morning, my neck was so sore... and it's been hurting all day. Even when i look up now, it just goes *BANG PAIN

I'm kind of limited in what i can do i guess... In other words, i don't feel like doing much. lol

I guess that's okay, cos that's what my plan for the holidays is - not do much. Just chill out. :)



Most of my best online friends are gone or busy... So that kinda sucks... I miss them all. :(

Also, it seems like everybody i know is sad. Poor things...

Is that some sort of lame coincidence, or am i just some sort of depression magnet? :P



Oh well. I'm gonna stay positive. Life sucks in general for all of us but if we all thought positively, we'd all be happier, wouldn't we?

I've never really tried positive before, but recently i've been giving it a go. It's actually pretty decent. That's why i've decided i will be positive from now on. :)

Moods are contagious. Hopefully i can cheer up some of my friends who aren't having the best of times. Aren't i so sweet? lol



Oh yeah... and i guess a big THANK YOU to the five people who sent me Amazon credit after reading Matt's blog. Wow... It was actually a surprise to me lol. Heehee well you're all really sweet. :)

Thanks to Matt and AJ too, who are the sweetest of them all. :)



That's it... Mboy needs to relax...

G'night all,

===>mirrorboy<===

Heartbreaking.

We are ALL lucky. Yes. All of us.

Every single one of you reading these words is lucky... because that means that you are part of our blogging community and can get support from us at any time, just like AJ did.

But what i find so sad, is the fact that there are people out there, every single day, who find themselves in similar situations to AJ, and yet cannot get any support at all...

What they must be going through... well... it just hurts to think about.

They won't be able to find support. They won't be able to get advice. They won't be able to vent. They won't be able to express what is wrong to anyone.

What do they do, when dark thoughts creep into their head?

It's just so sad.

Sorry. That's just what was on my mind tonight...

===>mirrorboy<===

75,000 views! :D

Yes, Mirrorboy's Blog is celebrating 75,000 views. :)

My blog has changed my life in such incredible ways... that i cannot imagine what life would be like without it.

I think that i will be around our little blog world for a long time to come. Even if Mirrorboy's Blog comes to a close, i will always be here, in some form or another... It has affected me in so many ways, and many of them are incredibly positive. It means so much to me.



For once, i feel like i belong to something. Before i did this, i was just a miserable little kid. I'd barely spoken to another gay being, and that made me feel so alone and weird.

Life sucked. I could not be myself. Not only was in in the closet, but i had no way of being me to anyone. And i saw absolutely no way out.

And yet, after i took that one first step into the blogging world, which i felt very apprehensive about, i now have this... or rather, i have all of you, and you've all seriously opened up my eyes. I cannot express that enough. The world is a big place full of wonderful and amazing people...

And before i met you... i thought the world was a very unkind place to live in.



So, i want to express to all of you, a profound thanks, from the bottom of my heart, for simply accepting me, and you know i mean that to ALL of you. Even you cute little silent readers, who i know are there... i'll keep doing this for you, as well as myself.

It is literally an honour to be a part of something so... just plain special, and to share myself with the part of the world who won't reject me.

I would say i am lucky... but to be honest... i got here on my own hard work! LOL! Suck on that!

Yep. I've put a lot of time and effort into this. And it was hard... but you only get out what you put in. And it was all worth it. :)



Now forgive me while i suddenly seem to change the topic...



I believe in karma... and not in some weird spirit and soul way... lol

Simply, show a little bit of kindness for someone, care about them, lend them your ear and give them your opinion when they ask for it, and they will be better for it, and they will remember you.

And when you do that for a bunch of people, you make a lot of wonderful friends who would do the same for you.

That is karma for ya, at least the way that i like to interpret it.



Also, when we all care about each other, there is no problem that one of us can not overcome, because we will be united.

Whether by actually being there in person, or sending your support, or offering your knowledge, or simply loving the person, we can all do something special.

That is what we have in our little blog community... and we are truly lucky. When any of us or our readers have a problem, they can come to us for help.

I don't know what else to say... other than that is a truly special thing...



Okay, time to finish before this post gets even more bizarre... This was a 15yo giving advice to all of you on how to care for one another. LOL

How strange...

Although that is the beauty of having a blog. I can say what i want, and none of you can stop me! :D



lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===



Hope i made sense... I'm never sure anymore... :P

A Recipe for the Perfect Pet.

Start with an abundance of alertness from an antelope,
Add in a bang of benevolence from a butterfly,
A cup of cuteness from a cat,
And a dash of dazzle from a daddy long-legs.

Ease in an eccentric amount of egotism from an eagle,
A fibre of fanciness from a flamingo,
A gallon of glory from a gazelle,
And a big helping of happiness from a hippopotamus.

Immerse your ideal amount of impulsiveness from an Irish Wolfhound,
A jumble of joy from a joey,
A kilo of kindness from a koala,
And a lash of lavishness from a ladybird.

Mix in a mad amount of magnificence from a manta ray,
A naughty quantity of naughtiness from a numbat,
An obscene amount of obsequiousness from an octopus,
And a pinch of positivity from a peacock.

Quarter and mix in a quart of quality from a queen bee,
A ration of razzamatazz from a red-back spider,
A sprinkle of sympathy from a sloth,
And a teaspoon of temperance from a turtle.

Use an unusual amount of uncanniness from a unicorn,
A verse of vocals from a vulture,
A whack of wisdom from a wolf,
And an excess of extravagance from an axolotl.

Then, with a year’s-worth of youth from a yeti,
the zest of zaniness from a zebu,
and a little bit of love from you,
you will have your own perfect pet.



Mirrorboy tries some sort of poetry. :)

Meanwhile... I've gotta think of some sort of special post for tonight... because Mirrorboy's Blog just got 75,000 views!

Catch ya later.

AJ

AJ's blog.

Matt's blog.

AJ asked me to write this post for him, since he might not be blogging for a while and wants you guys to know what has happened to him... at least until boyfriend Matt fills us in, and i don't know how long that will be.

AJ and me have been talking for a few days, and he hasn't been in the best of places recently. He's been having an incredibly hard time, and there's been a lot of bad stuff going on in his life, a lot of which he hasn't blogged about, and unfortunately he blames himself for all of it.

He's been having strong suicidal thoughts recently, and unfortunately it has gotten to the point where he will be going to the hospital where he can be looked after. Pam has made him go just then, and Matt will be meeting them there.

He wants you to know that he is okay at least, and he didn't hurt himself yet... although i know we're all going to be worried about him anyway...

I know i have been.

And he is a much-loved part of our community.

And we all hope and pray that he feels better soon.

Keep an eye out for updates on Matt's blog.

I love you AJ.

===>mirrorboy<===

Interview with a fictional person.

Was looking around in my schoolwork folder for something interesting. I found this mock interview that i made for my Journalism class about... four months ago... I thought i'd share it.

Sometimes i think i put a little too much effort into these things... :P

Anyways, i know i've made a few mistakes, like, i'm not supposed to say 'i' or 'my' i think... but i was still learning! Don't pick on me please, unless it's constructive. :)

I also know that the paragraphs aren't right, but it's easier to read on my blog this way.

I liked writing it, so i hope you like it too. Anytime i get to be creative, you can bet i'll go overboard and do more than is necessary...

But that's only because i enjoy writing that way. :)

And don't forget that this is 100% fictional. :P



A Phoenix from the ashes.

Amber Saville returns from the TV wasteland with an insatiable desire for perfection, and she knows just how to get it.

It seems that Australia’s memory of our old child star is like that of a strange dream. After several years on the popular channel 10 soap Acquaintances, and moving on to the surprise hit, Elevator Execution, she had already built up a strong fan base. But at perhaps the peak of her career so far, she disappeared to try to make her way along the well-trodden path to Briton fame, and disappeared from our screens without a trace for many years.

Sitting in a Sydney hotel room with the lively star; she has her hair sculpted by a well-groomed male hairdresser, and a glass of expensive champagne in her left hand, you wouldn’t think that the journey she had travelled to get to her current status had been such a treacherous one, and one which she had stumbled on at almost every turn.

"You know, I really thought it was the right decision, to head out and look for better things," she says, between glances at the mirror. "Britain seemed like the most… logical place for me to test the waters. It’s worked for so many other female stars, why not me, you know?"

When asked why she decided to leave at a time when she was one of Australia’s golden girls, she lets out a quiet sigh.

"It was the same every day, you know? As much as I loved my job, and the people I worked with, oh… and especially the fans," and she glances down at the tape recorder with a mischievous smile, "I wanted so much more. I had dreams. I wanted the world to know my name."

I ask her what her first experience of the British television industry was like, and she pauses for a moment. She rests her forehead on her knuckles, before she looks up and stares into the distance.

"I tried out for a lot of TV shows. My agent was fantastic, and he got me auditions for a lot of different things he thought might suit me… But, it was the same response each time. I was constantly told, ‘you don’t really suit the part,’ or, ‘we don’t think this is what you’re looking for,’ so I never really made any progress, you know?"

I bring up the instance of her first break, a small, two-episode appearance on the late-night comedy of the BBC, 70 Faces, and she half-smiles, half-laughs.

"Break? I’d barely call it a break. I played an eighty-year-old," and she starts to laugh. "My face was covered in prosthetics. I knew nothing about the character I would be playing when I signed up. All I wanted to do was get my face on British TV, and look what happened… But, I had to make a living somehow, you know. I did a lot of shows like that, and I was glad I finally got some work."

Before I get a chance to bring it up, she continues onto the next thing on my list of questions.

"It was a surprise when I got a call from my agent, and heard that the guys from Glances At Time were looking for a small-time character. I was so excited to have a go at it, cos I’d been watching the show for years. I went to the audition, and put everything I had into it… Maybe it was my acting skills, maybe my enthusiasm, but they liked what they saw."

With millions watching each episode of the time-travelling drama, Amber had finally had a major success. Her character, Vivian Venom, the volatile partner-in-crime of one of the show’s major villains, struck a cord with many of the viewers. So much so, that she was asked to consider joining the show as a main character.

"I didn’t need a moment to consider it. I jumped at the chance. I was thrilled to finally have a decent job."

She goes on to tell me that she remembers her time on the show very fondly, and I ask her to elaborate.

"The people were wonderful, the storylines were so smart, and I loved doing my job. It was hard at times, sure, but the good things far outweigh the bad things…

I mention the well-known rumours about her relationship with British co-star and on-screen love interest, Sammy Brief, and she looks at me from the corners of her eyes for a moment.

"He’s a sweetheart, oh, and that adorable accent… He was lovely. But nothing ever happened… We were great friends, and we wanted no more. And even if I had wanted it to, well… I think he had a thing for… you know, less feminine people, if you know what I mean," and she starts to giggle again.

Her role on the popular show lasted for four seasons, during which it won several prestigious British television awards. But eventually she got the call, and found out her time on the show was to come to an end.

"If I could’ve stayed forever, I think I might have, but I understand why they had to get rid of me. They were running out of things to do with me!" she laughs. "But they finished me in a very nice way… I took the bad guys with me into oblivion. It was very sweet… and on my last day the cast and crew all got together and threw us a big party."

But that was to be one of the few successes the Aussie actor had overseas. Following her stint on Glances At Time, she joined the cast of risqué comedy/drama The Thirteenth Cow.

"Eurgh… Don’t remind me. What a horrible show. Let me just say for the record that I had no idea the show was going to take the turn it did… Those poor animals…"

Along with many other dismayed actors, she quit the show, and once again found herself unemployed.

"I was back to where I started, jobless and desperate."

She found herself doing the small parts again. She filmed a series of cameos across a broad range of shows, hoping to one again get the call she prayed for.

"I was just hoping the people weren’t sick of me. My agent told me to get my face off the TV, so people don’t get Amber-overload. I did, and was hoping I wouldn’t fade into nothingness like so many others… But luckily I got a call from him a few months after Cow. The producers of a new miniseries wanted an actor to play an off-the-streets vampire… Yeah, apparently they’d seen my work and knew I was versatile. I took the job. Hell, I would’ve taken anything…"

The show was called Not So Lonely Nights, and was supposedly to tell the story of the rise of assorted horror characters throughout the country. The episodes were filmed, and the media was abuzz with curiosity, because the show was expensive, the special effects were supposed to be amazing, and the crew and cast were very tight-lipped about what the show actually entailed… The premiere was watched by millions of people, but what came next came as a shock to most people involved in the project.

"The critics absolutely slammed it. So did the public. They said it was vulgar and unfunny… The next episode barely scraped through, and I think the third one and all those afterwards were cut altogether… Yeah, and when I saw them, I could understand why. The scripts were awful and the way they showed the women was sexist. And the ways the characters talked were offensive, and I think you can see the regret in the actors eyes while they do their thing," she chuckles. "Hey, it was an awful show. All you can do is laugh now…"

But as the show took its horrible dive, so did Amber’s credibility as an actor. Her attempts to regain her former standing in the television world were ineffective.

"I got the feeling nobody wanted to touch me with a ten-foot pole! I felt like… I had no chance at breaking back in. I was back to queuing at auditions, and even then, I was getting the same replies I’d been getting almost a decade ago! I decided I might have to come back home, although I didn’t like the thought of that. Hey, don’t get me wrong! I love Australia, but it hardly has the bustling hub of celebrity other countries have, you know?"

But only days before she was to book her tickets back home and pack up her things, her agent called one last time.

"Yeah, I was doubtful, but he begged me to hear him out, so I did. It was the least I could do for him. He’d been with me through the good and bad all these years, you know?"

American producers of an optimistic new adventure show were looking for a female actor to play the lead role. The show, Resistance, had already signed up many new cast members from auditions and from actors colleges, but the producers had specifically called Amber’s agent to request she take a look.

"When I read the scripts, I got a really good feeling. They sent chills down my spine, they were that good… I was so excited to get back to work, doing what I love. I had a real buzz."

Given that Resistance is still yet to premiere, in Australia, Britain or the US, Amber is reluctant to give away too much.

"I wish I could give you a few spoilers, but my lips have been sealed. We all want it to be a big surprise… You’ll just have to get what you can from the trailers."

But she is more than happy to talk about her role on the show.

"I play Zola Phoenix, a disheartened soldier in a fictional world. My people’s long time enemy have found the source of our power and captured it, and my character defects to their side, seeing it as her only chance for survival. Her family died long ago, and the enemy imprisoned her lover. She has little to live for, except life itself… It’s a role I can really sink my teeth into, you know? It’s great. I’m loving it, every second of it. I couldn’t think of a better place to be in right now."

Realising that my appointment with one of the world’s budding actresses and stars is coming to a close, I ask her where she sees herself in a few decades time, and whether the fact that she has always dreamt of big things will have an effect on that.

"Sure, I’ve always chased fame and renown… and I don’t regret that… but I see things differently now. I’ve been at the bottom and I’ve seen what really matters. I’ve met so many people and heard so many stories. It’s really changed how I view myself, and the world as a whole… What really matters? Happiness. You just have to figure out what your ideal happiness would be, and how you can get it. I want a family, a husband and children. I want to raise the best damn kids in the world and be the best damn mother as well. And it doesn’t matter to me whether they see mummy on the big screen and in the newspapers, or sitting at the sidelines of a soccer match or just reading them a bedtime story. In my mind, I couldn’t ask for anything more than a loving family. I would be so happy with that."



Can you see Mirrorboy as a journalist?

:)?

I'm sore.

I feel so sore right now.



- My hip is sore because of what i slept on at my friend's house last night...

(It was the bed i was on... Nothing dirty! You pervs!) :P

- Then my left middle finger is sore because i burnt it on the stove. My arch-nemesis strikes again!

- The muscle in my right arm is sore.....................

That's what you get when you have so much free time huh. ;D

Seriously though, it's really sore. I'm not sure what's it from... Probably too much computer. *cough

- Then i've got a sore on the bottom of my right foot and it hurts when i put pressure on it. :/

- And then i'm also really tired, which makes me just feel kind of weak right now...

- Oh, and i almost forgot that aliens abducted me the other night... The probing wasn't as fun as i thought it would be... :/

Yeah...



Anyways, strange holiday habit #1.

- On school days, all i want to do is sleep in, but on weekends and during the holidays, i wake up at about 6:30 every morning. Sometimes i listen to the radio, or i switch on the tv... or i have some 'happy time'.

*naughty smiley

I just love waking up early. There's something about it that just makes my day feel so much better.

Sure, sleeping in is nice sometimes (especially when you're supposed to be getting up), but if i get up at midday, i feel like i've just wasted hours that could have been spent doing something fun.

Is it just me?



Anyways, i'm too worn-out to keep writing. The foldout bed i slept on at my friend's house was really uncomfortable and i couldn't get to sleep.

I need some sleep. I also need some 'happy time', as you can tell cos that's what's been on my mind the whole time. :P



Me tired...

===>mirrorboy<===



Will resume normal posting as soon as soon as i get back to my old self. As you can tell, i've been writing words but not really 'saying' anything recently... I hope at least i've been mildy amusing...

Take care.

Dropping in.

I'm going to a friend's house tomorrow.

I'll be back Tuesday evening sometime.

In the meantime, here are some photos.

See ya soon. Take care, love,

===>mirrorboy<===

Poll results and new polls.

The polls timed-out a while ago but i didn't get around to taking them down because i was busy until now...

So it's time to swap them for new ones, but first, the results of my old ones...



POLL A - What do you think is the cutest name?

101 votes.

Skylar won with 54% of the votes.
That's not really a shocker. It brings to mind the image of a blue-eyed blond-haired twink does it not? ;D

Asher - 16%
Now i didn't see that one coming.
Lynx - 9%
Trend - 6%
Baxter - 6%
Plinko - 4%



POLL B - What is the best invention?

140 votes.

It seems that a lot of my readers are incredibly horny... :P

Boys With Cameras are apparently the best invention ever! - 32%

And then 2nd is Tight Undies - 20%

Teddy Bears - 7% Aww...
Spellcheck - 7% (How could you possibly befriend my mortal enemy!?) *shuns everyone
Alcohol - 7%
Duct tape - 6%

Then Sliced Bread, Blogging, Income Tax Returns, Candelit Dinners, Swear Words, TV and Video Games, My Blog, and Mirrors were towards the bottom...

The correct answer was actually 'My Blog' so the majority of you epically fail the test...



POLL C - Mirrorboy, i want to...

163 votes.

The winner was...

Cuddle You! - 20% of the votes.

A cuddle is exactly what i could use right now. I guess you all picked up on that you sweet little things...

Talk To You was 2nd - 17%

That sounds nice. It ain't gonna happen in real-life but you can always add me on msn if you want... although i must warn you i'm more of a responder than an initiator if you know what i mean.

Adopt You - 9% :D:D How sweet...

Bonk You - 9% Oh... uhh... well thanks guys...

Love You - 8% Aww now that is just awesome. :)

Be Your Best Friend - 8%

And then Go To School With You, Live With You, Slap You, Party With You, Hire You, Spoil You, Look After You, Teach You, and Be Your Boyfriend all had a few votes as well.



Moving on though... New polls... Please vote.

POLL A. Was the worst experience of your life related to, or a result of, your sexuality?

POLL B. What was the best experience of your life related to?

This should be interesting...



And don't forget to spill on what you chose in the comments here :)



That's it for now.

Lotsa love to ALL of you. :)

===>mirrorboy<===

Thank you.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhh...


Well. I just spent the last 2-3 hours writing reply emails to everyone who emailed me after my last couple of posts because they cared about me.

It makes me feel warm inside to know that there are actually people out there who genuinely care about me.

So i'm taking this opportunity just to say a big...

THANK YOU!!

to EVERYONE who cares about me, whether you emailed me or commented on the blog, or talked to me on msn, or just wished me luck, because without you i would be in a very bad place, let's face it.

You mean so much to me that you wouldn't believe it. I am so incredibly thankful to be here and have met you all.



And... that is ENOUGH writing for now. My mind is blank.

I need a shower.

===>mirrorboy<===

Still here.

While i don't really feel like posting right now, i feel obligated because i realise you're all worried about me, so here i am.



First of all, although my last post was a bit intense, i do hope that none of you got the impression that i was going to hurt myself. I can promise you all that i would never ever do that.

The main reason is because recently i've listened to someone i love deeply, talking about killing themselves. If this person were to go through with it i would be utterly heartbroken for the rest of my life, so i can understand how much of an impact it would have on my friends.

Do not worry. I will never hurt myself.



Now that's out of the way...

With the deletion of this blog in mind... well... i still have a lot of thinking to do. I'm still not sure what to do, because i have strong reasons to keep it, and yet also strong reasons to delete it.

So, if i do decide to delete it sometime soon, i hope you'll all understand that it would be a necessary thing to do, where i have no other choice, or the risk of keeping it would be too great.



Let's hope it does not come to that, because in the past few days i have received some of the most personal and moving emails i have ever read, from some people who i obviously mean something to.

I cannot think of anything else to say to you all other than thank you. That goes for my commenters too. Your support means a lot and your encouragement has helped me a lot recently. I don't know what i would do without you...



On a lighter note, today was the last day of school for the year.

And now i get a six week break from it all... and that is exactly what i need. Without a break i would just... well... i'm sure you get the idea...

The stress was killing me. I couldn't focus on my story-writing. I didn't feel like posting or talking because my mind was too worried. I couldn't sleep at night because i couldn't shut off my mind. I didn't feel like eating some days. My body was feeling the effects of continual stress. Comfort food was becoming my best friend again after a long time without it...

Hopefully now i can flick the switch and send all of those in the opposite direction.



At least we know what the problem is - being stuck here in this small-minded town, at my school, with these people.

One day i will get out of here, and the sooner the better. Although it's pretty hard to be positive when you know you still have to live 3 more years of your sentence before you taste the sweetness of the outside world.



Well, this is what's going on in my life in case you're still interested, seeing as my 'life' part of the blog had to take a backseat while a few other issues came to the surface.

I just finished year 9. On Monday and Wednesday we had our first taste of year 10 classes. We had some year 10 teachers and they told us about what we'd be doing next year. We also saw who we would be having for our electives.

Maths seems like it will be... interesting. I'm in the higher levels so i'll be doing harder stuff, and that also means i need to buy a $200 calculator. :D

Just what i always wanted...

For English we'll be reading a book by Shakespeare omg lame...

I had some periods of my 4 electives as well.

We have a different French teacher next year, and she's going to be so different to what we're used to because this one speaks French almost all the time whereas our old one spoke not so much. She seems like a really nice, funny person though and the class is a nice class. :)

Although she's already given us holiday homework. :/

*says something smart in French ahhh i can't be bothered....

Architecture seems a little less boring than i thought it would be, although the class is a pretty crap one so i wonder if i'll actually learn anything...

We have one of the coolest teachers for Computer Programming. He's really nice and funny. He says that next year we'll be learning about computer code and making flash games so that sounds... interesting...

The one i was most interested in though, was of course, Creative Writing. When i first heard who was teaching it, well, let's just say i was a little apprehensive...

(Her voice is so whiney!!)

But she seems to know what she is doing. She can describe a piece of chocolate and make it sound more interesting than a bank-robbery.

Apparently we have to hand in a piece of written work every single week... so... that's going to be hard, but as a writer, if i can't do it, then what hope do the rest of us have? :P



I got my School Report today.

Oh God i was not looking forward to this...

Like i expected, a lot of the comments said i missed deadlines and stuff. (Well, i guess i may have been a little distracted lately... I can't help it).

All of the subjects had A-E ratings depending on how well you did.

C is where year 9 students are supposed to be. E is well below the expected standard and A is well above...

Out of all my subjects i got 23 C's, 5 B's and 1 A.

What was the A for?

Well, the writing section of English of course. So i'm very proud of myself because i don't think i've gotten an A in years. :)

Applaud now.



There is more to me than school though, although it feels easy to forget sometimes.

For Christmas, my Mum says she will get me contact lenses!! OMG yes i've wanted them for so long!! I won't look (so) geeky anymore. :)

If i'm lucky, with our tax return coming in soon we might also be able to afford the internet in my room, and that means no more sitting out here in the kitchen with my Mum yapping in my ear if i want to talk on msn or something.

That would be sweet... of course, no promises yet. :/



I'd better go before this post gets too long.

I've got so much more to say, both now, and for a long time in the future, so let's cross our fingers and hope that Mirrorboy will be around for a long time yet...

Either way, even if the blog does go down, i have decided that Mirrorboy will never be killed - not by those who hate him, nor by me, because he is the me that i want to be.

I have hope that one day he will feel comfortable enough to take the reigns from the current Dusty and... become the new Dusty, where we will be one, with the life lessons of Dusty and the sparkle of Mirrorboy.

And we will kick ass. :)



For now, on here, this is Mirrorboy saying,

lotsa love,

===>mirrorboy<===

I don't know what to do anymore...

I've been denying all my online friends the explanation behind my strange mood recently. I guess it's time to spill. I need to spill because everything inside me is slowly killing me.



I guess we start with what the effects of me coming out were...

Well, what were once friendships, quickly turned awkward. After a while, that turned into what i thought was acceptance, but eventually that turned into everyday crude jokes at my expense, and more recently as you've probably figured out if you actually read my blog, a little bit of cyber abuse.

They said they didn't care but my friends will never see me in the same light again.



I was once the kid at school that a lot of people didn't like for no reason in particular. Of course now, they have a reason. I am now the kid that people hate because he is gay - an excuse to single me out.

The honest truth is, that at my school, anybody who is even slightly different is singled-out and made fun of. I'm the GAY ONE.

Being 'out' has caused me countless terrible sleepless nights. I feel like every little snide comment and rumour and laugh and joke is just entering my head and getting trapped and it just builds up and up and up without ever releasing any of the growing pressure and it just escalates and gets worse all the time and i get more stressed and worried and i feel that it's just going to keep building up without an escape and eventually my head is just going to fucking explode and i'm going to collapse into a broken little mess.

...As proud as i am of being gay... recently i've just been wishing that i didn't have to go through this. Being gay is just too hard and i've got so much other stuff to deal with like school subjects and our money situation (which just got 10 times worse with my booklist arriving), getting a job and making 'friends'... I don't even know who i am anymore. Why do i have to have this filling up my already cluttered head? Why can't it just go away and not be any trouble? I don't want to be this any more.

...And yet, the cold truth is that not only will i always be gay, but i will never be allowed back into the closet at school... And what i would give to be back in there now - warm and sheltered from what i'm going through at the moment. I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a shield that used to protect me. It kept me safe from the harsh world that i don't think i'm ready to deal with.

I've come a long way, yes, but the path i'm on has no end. If i keep following this path eventually my legs will give way and i'll just collapse spectacularly and not be able to get back up again...



I'm trying my best to make sense of what's going on inside my crazy head, because i don't know and i have no idea what to do.

I'm just a bit of everything - worried, fed-up, tired, scared, sad... but mostly, stressed, confused and angry.

I'm worried about my blog, fed-up with the routine, tired of all the work, scared of what i continually receive at school, sad about so many things, stressed about school, confused about where to go and what to do from here, and above all else... angry at myself. And that's where i think my problems all start. I've continually fucked myself up my whole life.



Let's get serious.

I have hated myself since i can remember. I hate 99% of everything to do with me. Ask me to name the good things about me, and after my writing (which i still find ways to pick on myself about), my desire to be nice to everyone, and my sense of humour which helps other people feel better... I get stuck and that's the honest truth.

Oh fuck... I don't even know where this post is going... This is just what's in my head and it doesn't even make sense to me.



School is killing me. This dead-end town is killing me, and ultimately i will bring about my own downfall through my own fucking stupidity. Don't believe me?



It all started with that gay crap on my USB which was how i was 'outed'. It takes a pretty stupid idiot to be so stupid as to put that on there. I'm so stupid i can't believe it sometimes.

And then, oh yes, i used the same email address for this blog that was already my personal one.

I originally set my blog to show up on search engines. Now anyone can find me by typing in my email address. Major fuck-up.



And of course, why did i share so much personal stuff on here?

I'll tell you why! Because here i was 'Mirrorboy' and not 'Dusty'!

I was anonymous here, and yet i become less anonymous every day. Before we know it i may have brought about my first and only safe haven's demise through yet again, my own stupidity.



I have no idea how much longer Mirrorboy has left. Any day from now, i may decide to kill him before he fucks up Dusty's life even more.

Mirrorboy only lives in the blogosphere and he would never survive in the real world. Dusty has to live in the real world. Dusty has learnt to hide his soul and true feelings and yet Mirrorboy has been doing the opposite ever since he was created. The 2 cannot become 1.

In real life Mirrorboy must forever hide inside me. If he starts to come out, then i need to kill him before he does any damage. I do love him dearly and it would utterly break my heart to get rid of him but there would be no other choice... because Mirrorboy is my true self.

Yet my true self cannot exist in the real world.



I've shot myself in the foot every time i've aimed for something higher my whole life.

I am the reason my life is awful. My self-hatred has ruled me my entire life. I mean wtf? Am i subconsciously sabotaging my own life because that seems to be the only situation that makes sense because nobody can be that fucking stupid.

Even THIS POST will fuck me up even more because people who know me personally will be reading this, and it's times like that that i wish i could go back to 'Mirrorboy' anonymously... and never have Dusty and Mirrorboy cross paths away from my computer.

Jut like i wish i could go back to being in the closet.

Just like i wish i could undo all those major fuck-ups that have ruined my life so far.



Every day just gets harder to cope with. And i'm 15! For fuck sake! I'm just a kid and i don't want this shit in my head.

Reality bites and anonymity is bliss, but i've got the worst of both worlds. Living my life is destroying my soul little-by-little. I can never smile and mean it any more. When i'm talking to my online friends who are genuinely good people, as long as my mind is not on 'me' then i can forget all my troubles briefly and be happy.

But in the end, i go back to Dusty, every day, and every night. I will always be Dusty and that scares the crap out of me because that's the last thing i want.



That's my life right now - getting worse all the time. To those who don't care, you shouldn't be reading in the first place... To all the others, well, i don't mean to burden you. Sometimes i feel i don't deserve your love. That's why i just feel so empty inside, underneath all of the stress. I feel like none of you would ever love Dusty as much as you love Mirrorboy. I know Dusty best, and i hate myself.



So where does my life go now? What does a twisted kid like me do? What am i in for? What does my future hold?

Most probably, more sadness and stress, more confusion and anger and abuse, and more hating myself.



And that's it. I've bared my soul for perhaps the last time. It felt good to be honest because yet again i've put myself out there for you to ponder over, at my own risk.

But this could just be the cliffhanger to a story that will never be continued.

===><===





And no doubt i'll regret posting this...