Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I Know You...

Hmm. Today was an interesting day.

There was another new girl there at 'school' today. The interesting thing is, we went to the same Primary School (or Elementary School for you Americans). We didn't socialise much back then, but we knew each other.

Now, me being the social phobia suffering, nervous wreck around people that i am, i haven't made any friends yet, because i simply find interacting hard. It's too hard to explain why. Just understand that it's simply the pinnacle of hardness for me.

By pure coincidence, this girl had to move seats and ended up next to me. (I hadn't recognised her yet... because i don't stare at people's faces. lol) We then had to write our names down on a sheet of paper and i got it (the paper) right after her. I was looking at the page and recognised her name right away. I was like 'wuuuuuuuhhh??'. lol

Anyways, i kinda took a leap off a cliff and turned and said 'Hey, i think i know you from Primary School'.

We made a bit of small-talk. For me, it was like, 'OMG i'm interacting with someone. woot!' lol

Small-talk small-talk. Then things kind of stagnated, but by coincidence again, the teacher had work for us which required us to work in groups of two. Without anything needing to be said, the two of us worked as a group. Things lightened up, as we talked and worked on the project. And it was actually pretty enjoyable. It was nice to actually be talking to someone for once, rather than being on my own.

Idk how 'making friends' works lol, but the interactions between us were positive and she didn't seem to dislike the time we spent together. :)

The thing is... she says 'fag'. A lot. It's hard to explain. Like she says 'fag' instead of 'idiot'. "Don't be such a fag". Stuff like that. People around my age would know what i mean a lot better than older people.

So i guess... i'm not actually sure if i'd want her as a friend. I mean sure, we got along. But... i didn't feel like i was being 'me'. I felt like i was putting on a face to be friendly.

Anyways, i don't have much choice. I need someone to talk to/work with/sit next to. I can't go on being the loner because that ain't gonna work out good for me.

Of course, there's also the possibility that she'll start talking to the other people in the class and realise that they'd make better friends than me, and i'll pretty much be dumped.

Idk what to make of it all.

Oh, i've also realised that i've got back INTO the closet.

I think i have to in a place like this. This is a place where students are allowed to go out for smoke breaks, and openly swear in class.

Yeah that kinda sucks... Again, i don't really have a choice. It's play it straight, and lie if i'm asked, or risk things turning to shit like they did at my old school when i was outed, and face having to leave again. And if i have to leave here, it's bye-bye school education, for now.




WkBoy714 said...

First comment, woo's!

I can understand what you mean with
friends *hugs*

And it's fine to be a little in your own shell for protection - but if you come out of it even a bit, try to stay yourself :) there are people there that will take you as true friends. And so will weee *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Very nice. As for "how making friends works," well, you pretty much figured that out, didn't you?

As for "fag," you could choose to just say, "I really don't like that word" and just leave it at that.

Anonymous said...

YAY! to the first part; It's good to hear you're making new friends. I totally understand how hard it can get to socialize with ppl you don't know, I have that problem too.

Now, when it comes with going back in the closet, here are my two cents: yes, go back inside. There's nothing wrong with having the security of keeping it a secret. And if you feel that you won't be 'yourself' think of it this way: every single person on this world NEEDS to create a respectable image of themselves.

For example, ppl to make crude jokes need to control themselves, specially in the work force. Do they stop being 'themselves'? Not really, they just need to control them impulses.

Ppl that talk excessively also need to tone it down at some point too. But that doesn't mean they have to stop being themselves.

Now, take urself for example and all gay ppl, including myself: being gay is NOT the only thing that defines who we are. I find it dumb to think that; we are a complete person with every matter of opinion and likes and dislikes. Therefore, hiding the fact that you're gay doesn't change who you are.

Now, I would personally recommend trying to adapt your talking habits in case you 'sound' gay in the first place, but that's the only change you'll have to make. well, that's my little piece of advice... I know it works thru personal experience and I don't regret it at all.

Catcha later,


naturgesetz said...

Well, talking to a g-i-r-l should help you stay in the closet. People are so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion.

I don't know why you should expect her to decide to drop you as a friend. I've always been shy, so I know how that is. But now that you've broken the ice with her, it should be a lot easier to keep the communication going. Just a word about anything at all when you see her: I like that [item of clothing] — that was quite a storm last night — how did you find this item of homework — do you like such and such song (try to pick something you think she'll like) — etc. The thing is, now that you've become acquainted, she won't think it's weird for you to begin a conversation.

You could try the "gay cousin" ploy to try to get her to stop saying "fag." But I wouldn't figuratively throw the metaphorical baby out with the proverbial bathwater, iykwim.

Jake Annonymous said...

In guys, people that overuse the word fag are like totally gay. Perhaps she is a lesbian.

billy said...

Wow. That's great.
You're going to meet people in this course who have been through shit. Like you, they're outsiders. That gives you something in common with them.

Don't let the negative thoughts win. Shut out the fear of rejection. If she starts talking to the others, well that gives you a chance to start doing it too.

No excuses. You know you have to make an effort. You know how good it feels to surmount that pinnacle of hardness. God knows I do.

cvn70 said...


Glad you are making a friend and stay in the closet as long as tou need to. Making friends IRL works the same way as it does here. Say hello and share a littke about yourself. Itcan be hard but very enjoyable. Good luck. Take care and be safe


Jason Carwin said...

wow, I'm really sorry that you've had to go back into the closet. That must be tough. Knowing what it can be like to be open and then having to hide yourself again must really stink.

I'm sure you'll make more friends soon. Don't let yourself get pushed aside.

Aek said...

Awww, Mboy. *Hugs*

Making friends can be hard. You're being too harsh on yourself. It does require a bit of effort to put on a friendly face, but it's worth it if you can get a friend who you like and trust.

For the moment there's nothing wrong with being back in your shell a bit. Is there a teacher you can talk to openly about all this? Someone who you think could help you or "protect" you if necessary?

Col said...

After reading yesterdays post and saying how glad I was that things were going ok, I now see that things really aren't ok!

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you'll be alright and you'll soon make friends. But, neither of those things are going to happen any time soon.

You're right in the fact that you do need this girl, and ok... maybe you wouldn't choose her as a friend, but take whatever's on offer because it's better than being the loner!

Now, being the "social phobia suffering, nervous wreck around people" that you are... you deserve a massive WELL DONE for taking the first step in talking to her! Way to go Mboy!!!

My nieces and youngest sister are always saying "that's so gay" about stuff, and they all know I'm gay, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact I have to smile/chuckle at the looks on their faces when they realise what they've said :)

Omg, how long is this comment? (It's because I've missed you!;))

So, finally... you do whatever you feel you need to do to protect yourself against abuse, and f**k whatever anybody else says with regard to going back into the closet being a bad decision. It's your life and there's plenty of time to 'come out' again after High School! Just don't end up in Narnia :)

Sorry for the long comment!

Lots of love and hugs,

RE: "Of course, there's also the possibility that she'll start talking to the other people in the class and realise that they'd make better friends than me, and i'll pretty much be dumped."



Lunario said...

Hey mirrorboy,
I know how this interaction-probelms feel and that they are a strong burden, most of the time.
At school I feel much more comfortable among those girls and boys that I already know for many years, even if I never was a friend of them. I just think that they might know me a little better than complete strangers...

As for the question whether you should make friend with the girl, I would do so - firstly because you would have someone to talk to at school (even if it's only chit-chatting), but also because you are in the closet now. Therefore you have to play the straight boy in any event.


Antony said...

Can you not challenge it next time she says it?


A x

Aahsazyl said...

put on the face and be friendly, its what normal types do. and go out and have a fag :P

Jeremy said...

Ugh. Yeah the one thing that annoys me more than anything is the use of the word fag like that. I really find it annoying.

Well, good luck in school... I don't really know what to say other than be you, and be strong :)

*big hugs*

J said...

You are such a puzzle, incapable of interacting well face to face, and yet so open and outgoing on the web.
I've always had my doubts about this new school and its abilities to meet your needs, but you're the best arbiter of that situation. Obviously the honest approach is to tell this girl that you're a fag, and you'd appreciate it if she used another word. But there are times when being brave can also be foolhardy.
Gee, it's sure a shame you have to fight these battles every day. If there were any fairness in life you'd be treated commensurate to your decency.

Seth said...

You don't need to explain why, some of us completely understand on just as deep a level.

But, at least you DID interact with her - which is a good thing. Practice, at the very least, or someone to talk with and be friends with.

And good for you, you did not just sit there with your head down and your ears burning, you were brave enough to take that first giant step (of "hello") - congratulations.

You ~can~ ask her to stop using that word "some people might be sensitive to it" or something - but don't open a can of worms there - just go with the flow and realize (as you said) its a totally common word (although still hurtful) among schoolkids everywhere.


captcha is inflistr - to inflict a blister upon someone

Mr McCabbage said...

Suffering oppression and attack often leads to us having only a defensible, mental view of ourselves. In your dreams too you can see defence, justification, opinions. If you are able to feel / sense - not think (and few can) what it "feels" like to be your unique self, that helps, as others pick up an open heart and will trust you more, since they see the real you. It still remains formal, but you can then feel who others are as well, below their personalities. This is a more real level of friendship, between souls. Therefore, never mind what words a personality uses. The right souls will soon come your way, and you don't then want to deflect their (very real) energetic feel-ers with learned defences. Therefore I'd say, practise first listening alone to the "chord" that is your own soul, without reasoning. Perhaps you can already do this .. That school is like a university, you just encounter it a bit early. A life can't be expected from such places, you must suck one out of your thumb yourself - then share it with others who hoped to be given a life there.

Deadwing said...

well, i'm sure you will do fine there. even if it means being back in the closet for a while, until you go to uni. got to do what you got to do. best wishes and hugs!

Kevin Wilson said...

As you say, you can't go on being the loner and here is a girl (albeit with quirks you don't really like) who might just help you make other friends. Even the best of friends do and say things that grate, but the positives always outweigh the negatives.

Friendships just happen - I don't believe there are any specific protocols to go through so just go with the flow and see where it ends up.

I'm sorry you feel that you will have to hide who you are from the other kids, but if you do it, you are not going to have the chance to be the person you are and that's what they need to see - a young guy who is confident in where he is at this point in his life - they may surprise you by not caring that you are gay.

Planetx_123 said...

I feel the same way to some degree. I can do the 'small talk' thing to be cordial with people, but Im not good at making new friends either. I just feel like I have nothing to say to anyone-- and I agree-- I always feel like they will go on to find someone else they would enjoy talking to more. I guess this is, again, just my low self esteem.