Saturday, March 21, 2009

Eh.

Sorry i haven't been posting much. I've just been really down this past week or so. I guess i've had to deal with so much crap for so long, my resistance has just been worn down and down until it's hard to even get out of bed. I haven't been happy for so long. I can barely manage a smile. I sometimes just sit down and cry cos i'm so sick of being me. I wish i had someone else's life and wasn't stuck with my crappy one.

It's mainly the loneliness. And not just your average 'being alone' loneliness. It's the sort of loneliness that builds up and up slowly always inside you. I'm an only child. I grew up alone. I come home alone. I sleep in a room on my own. I play games alone. I've been doing this all my life, and i'm just so sick of it. I just need someone to be here with me, but i feel like i'm never going to get that. I'm going to be alone forever, and too self-conscious and gutless to go out and change it. My inner demons have broken back into my head and i'm beating myself up all the time telling myself everything that's wrong with me. All i want is a hug, or someone to hold me, but i feel like i'm never going to get that cos i'm such a mess of a person.

I feel unlovable.



'It's classic depression' or some shit i hear you say. People will comment telling me to get a grip or stop whinging. It's happened for every other post like this on here. That's why i don't even want to blog. People are so fucking quick to judge, but they have not lived my life. They don't know what it's like to have lived a lonely life for every single day of your existence.

I sometimes feel like i'm lying. People online say they love me, but inside i hate myself so i know they wouldn't love me if they met me.

I'm a mess and i know it.

Ugh. I'm just gonna shut up. This doesn't even make sense and i don't know why i bothered saying it.

25 comments:

xthecouragex said...

Ok first... *hugs*

The people who post and say you are whining and bitching only say that because they hate their lives more than yours so it's their way of making them feel better. So f'em.

You are not unlovable. You're a kind person, with a great sense of humor and spend way too much time listening to my problems (which means you're a great friend).

I know it's hard to see that, but I hope you will someday.

I really do love you mboy. And I know you don't believe me, but this past week that you havent been on i haven't had my release at all that I get when I talk to you.

Hang in there, things will get better, I know it seems like people keep saying it, but it really will. you're too much of a good person for it not to.

Love ya buddy,

-C

James said...

I'd never say those things, and I'm here to support you through the bad and the good. I wish I could be that person to give you a hug, I wish it more than anything. But the best I can do is hope and pray he comes along for you.

Always here,

J

Randy said...

OMFG Mirrorboy,

You've been reading my diary...

I KNOW exactly how you feel, people always tell me "your not alone" but it feels like nothing...

Alone is so relative to the person experiencing it...

Fuck depression, fuck all that... Its so easy to dismiss it when your not experiencing it..

but bro, even tho your alone in ur room, your not alone in your thoughts, I have felt the same way you do, and my only cope is to drown it in alcohol...

Dont give up man, keep bloging, you need the outlet...

You, Deadwing, and Mr. HCI, have inspired me to take steps towards coming out... I need you to keep typing, and sharing your experiences...

Keep ur head up kid, and talk it out...it helps, it really does

~kiwi said...

I'm really glad you posted mboy, I've been worried about you, as I think we all have.

*big, long, warm hug*

no bitching, no judging. So many of us have been there dude, are still there, and will go there again, so who are we to judge?

Seriously, I mean it when I say you're an incredible young man. You find time and energy for so many things, but most importantly, so many people, and you mean a lot to them.

*hugs again*

chin up, brother. you're awesome.

Peter said...

Well I haven't been alone all my life like you. However, I did spend 5 years in the same situation you are in. I was alone for most of the day except in school. We didn't even have TV or a computer.

I can tell you are feeling really down because there was actually a spelling mistake in your post. :O

I wish I could make you feel better buddy.

Mr. HCI said...

No fucking way are you unlovable. You have touched so many lives in such a positive way, it's just impossible.

Self-hatred, however, is excellent for drowning out any good thoughts you have about yourself; I know 'cause I hated myself intensely from age seven 'til my late twenties.

I'm not gonna tell you I love you as I don't know you near well enough to say that but it's easy to see that many folks do. I will say, however, that if I were there, I'd give you a hug (unless that'd creep you out) and try to help you feel better.

PoisonedHappiness said...

What I wanted to tell you I told you in private. Here I want just to give you a hug

*HUG*

naturgesetz said...

Loneliness like that must really be awful.

And the shyness that holds you back from getting out and being with friends and making new friends just keeps you trapped.

I wish there were something I could say to help you get past it. Can the psychologist help?

I do think that however bad things are right now, it is a mistake for you to suppose that you'll be alone forever. It's still a long way off, but uni *will* be a big change — lots of new people, lots of new opportunities. So keep reminding yourself that your situation will change. You won't always be in that town with its limited chances to meet someone to be with you.

My heart goes out to you.

billy said...

I remember that loneliness. It's not depression, it's a natural reaction to your situation and being different in a shithole like your town.

But it does change. The day you catch that train to Melbourne to live things will be different. You'll be in control of your life at last.

cant think of a cool one said...

join the club of feeling lonely :) And ye, i know what you mean, its all nice to have friends ONLINE but they cant replace those you could have in real life...

Ive found out that the best way to get over feeling depressed is to start planning something, like what you want to do or what you wanna buy w/e. That way it keeps you busy, and you don't even have time to be depressed. On the other hand, if you plan something and it fails then you end up feeling even worse... meh.

x

Deadwing said...

I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me. Really, you have helped me more than you could know. You really are like a brother to me.

Each of us has unique experiences in life, so i can't claim to know exactly what you are going through or how you feel. All i can tell you is that i really hated myself for at least the last 20 years. And i know how that feels. It sucks, and its hard to overcome. And i still feel a loneliness that i don't have the words to describe. But, its getting better, little by little. Every time i talk to you, i feel a little less empty. That i now have friends like you who accept me for who i am, shines light into corners of my world that i though would remain dark forever.

With your help, i have begun to love myself again. And i love you for that. And i love you like a brother for just being you. Hang in there, buddy. Cos its just like you've told me a thousand times before..."Things will get better".

J said...

You're not alone or unloved, mboy. You can't see us, but we're shining on you like a constellation.

Anonymous said...

Loneliness, and especially the feeling of loneliness, is terrible. But, almost all people also have the need to be alone for at least a small part of every day to have some “me” time. It is therefore important when you are alone to realize that you need to be alone some of the time as well. The next step, and this is often very difficult when you are feeling down, is to start enjoying doing something by yourself like taking pictures of your cats playing or treating yourself to ice cream while watching a storm outside the window. To get rid of loneliness and depression is a long road, but doing something, however small, can often help.

Extreme loneliness is sadly very common in your age group. Fortunately, as have been said in other comments, it often disappears later on as you move into a different life situation (like college or working life) and learn more about yourself and how great you really are. I have had the pleasure of reading many, probably too many, of your posts and know that you are a good person many people will enjoy spending time with.

Seth said...

You're NOT the only one who feels that way. Sometimes it just feels like you are. And, it may not be right, it may not be fun, its certainly not easy to deal with, but it is something you can survive. Especially with support and caring.

*hugs*

Aahsazyl said...

welcome to my world mirrorboy

Tom said...

Ok,
So i came toyour site from a link on another blog. I read only this one entry and I wanted to tell youthat you are not alone, then I saw all the coimments and hoped that you would relaise htat there are people who care, an awful lot by the lok of them. We all go through bad patches were we over analise ourselves and feel worthless sometiems it hits some peo harder than others, but mate you seen to have loads of friends on here and I rekon with their help you will be fine. Ignore the *ankers who tell you that you bore them or whinge. Its you blog and you can write what you like they don't have to read. Neway I have gone on long enough, hipe your feelin better. Tom

Mr McCabbage said...

Mboy, you may delete this sermon if you want ;) Most of what is so gratingly wrong with me is the lingering result of having been painfully lonely, in spite of later having friends and stunning lovers. Please before you get those, first overcome loneliness, by yourself. Gays are always fighting for equality and yet, too few relationships last. Two halves can only make a whole when those are your own halves. Had there been only one of you, then who is beating up who?

What always impressed me were the few people trying to seduce me into friendship by showing a tender side of themselves. I always deflected it, sort of saying "Yes you are better than me, but don't mock me; let's keep our interaction formal." I was a Shadow (still am a bit) and all of life was my enemy. Awareness could only be eternally regrettable; love was merely a trap, adding insult to injury. I went for it, but if a chance appeared for annihilation, I would instead have gone for that instantly - proving that misery was the real bottom line all along. But you are one of those willing to show your real, inner 'energetic' self, that is why I say you are NOT gutless. Many who go out to party only ever present a fashionable facade, even buying into it themselves. Think twice before having relationships with them, unless they want to change.

I love that you feel like an unlovable mess! So infinitely better than the adequacy of Shadows. Nor are you lovable because you are being good. As Oscar Wilde said, "To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is obviously quite easy. It merely requires a certain amount of sordid terror, a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain low passion for middle-class respectability." You are lovable because you are you, and just as knowable as your cats. You are out and have no tyrant father dominating the house. Plan to entertain, at least. Explain to Mum you have always been lonely and, within budget, you hope to have like-minded friends over at times.

Your loneliness - is not from insecurity but from a need to share. Problem is when one is physically young (and all envy you for it) there doesn't seem to be much yet that one can offer. It helps if the others one helps are particularly deserving (in one's own estimation) and one should also have special treasures to offer, which truly help. Hugs do, a lot, but Love is more than social graces and sentimental feelings. It is also a powerful physical substance and a cognitive power, an intuitive intelligence. We need various projects on which to try it, such as making money, even. If one victim can only hug another victim, the depth of Love has not been discovered yet.

So I used to be lonely until a wonderful old lady explained many things to me. Now I do natal astrology, numerology and a bit of cheirology (palmistry). It astounds me how accurate the stuff is, and how much meaning it has for clients. I'll send you a contact email in case you want yours for free. Even my fundamentalist family have had it done - they were brought low at last by their indigo kids. Violent enemies from school have been turned into friends, the cutest one even 'coming out' to me. (Fortunately by then I had learned to hug.) Now my world no longer feels like a concentration camp, where everything is wrong. My skills are busy catching up with my potential, and so will yours (once you stop wasting time with TV).

If we only associate with our conditioned personalities, having to conform to society, we're compromised. It adds a bit of balance to consider that there's also a little soul in there, that needs to be accommodated - or else. Our conscious personalities want to preserve our lives in comfort, but our souls want to leap to high ends, even using up the body and personality in the process. Souls are not meek and mild, they can enforce their will through illness etc. Timely compromises should be made instead.

You (Mboy) are on the right path as you already have the guts to show your inner self. But you may have a bigger problem than most, as you have a large and demanding soul.
Jesus says in the Gospel of Thomas: "If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you don't bring forth will destroy you." In the same book he says: "When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realise that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty, and it is you who are that poverty."
Erich Fromm: "Most people die before they are fully born. Creativeness means to be born before one dies."

When Jalaluddin Rumi (1207-1273, massive soul) was young he wrote: "How do I know what I say, how do I know? I am not, then I am. Don't judge me on what I say, for I am bewildered. What can I do that I am so full of ambivalence? One time I am driven this way, another that way. What is my origin; what is my race; in what market am I the goods? In one breath I am angry and depressed, in another I am free of these moods, for I am in that elevated place. O God, o God, watch over me. Will it happen that one day, in soul and personality, I shall become one?"
Later he wrote: "I adore not the Cross nor the Crescent, I am not a Greek nor a Jew. East nor West, land nor sea is my home; I have kin not with angel nor gnome; I am wrought not of fire nor of foam, I am shaped not of dust nor of dew. I was born not in China afar, not in Saqsin nor in Bulghar; not in India, where five rivers are, nor Iraq nor Khorasan I grew. Not in this world nor that world I dwell, not in heaven neither in hell; Not from eden and paradise I fell, not from Adam my lineage I drew. In a place beyond uttermost place, in a tract without shadow or trace, mind and body transcending I live, in the Soul of my Loved One anew."

I seem to remember that your Mum is a nurse? I don't know, in your country (with trade unions) if one can still volunteer some hours to work in a hospital. You could state that you are a writer, in need of different acoustic spaces, or something. Just avoid contagious stuff, never do laundry. Reason is, spending time there can change one's understanding of life. Afterwards - among frisky folks, out on the take - a whole different approach is required. Souls enjoy these contrasts.

Meister Eckhart (1260-1328) would have been burnt alive, had he not died naturally during his Church trial. He wrote: "The Scriptures say of human beings that there is an outward man and along with him an inner man. The Scripture speaks of the outward man as the old man, the earthy person, the enemy, the servant. Within us all is the other person, whom the Scripture calls the new man, the heavenly man, the young person, the friend, the aristocrat."

Sometimes people discover that the personality is quite flimsy, and that other versions can come and go. In fact every minute there is a new one, but we don't notice. And, all our perceptions and thoughts are complete illusions. In truth, we don't really know anything. We are clever (invented the wheel etc) but the greatest minds will tell you - we know nothing.

We should use our minds, not let our minds use us. There is in fact a constant self behind all the masks, even behind the soul. It consists of a unique tendency / curiosity / interest / inclination / acorn / genius / daemon. Once you notice this, you will also see that it stays the same, whatever the personality. Then you can use this main interest to create whatever personality, mood and thoughts you like.

Brihadaranyaka Upanishad: "We are what our deep, driving desire is. As our deep, driving desire is, so is our will. As our
will is, so is our deed. As our deed is, so is our destiny."
Krishna: "It is better to follow one's own dharma [unique life task], even though it be devoid of excellence, than to perform another's dharma well. It is better to perish in the performance of one's own dharma. The dharma of another is full of danger."
Oscar Wilde: "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation ... The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for ... To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."

Loneliness and anxiety are often 'instead of' states, to avoid our souls and also to avoid this specific interest for which we were born. Our inner world consists of awareness - not only thoughts but also emotions, preferences, vague notions etc. We can be more actively aware of our awareness, to see what triggers us. Then, instead of anxiety we might make a plan, to give our soul what it wants. We get loneliness and anxiety when we dismiss the individual archetypal thing we truly want (our main interest) thinking that it can never work. But it costs nothing to look what it is. It's not hidden, if only we look. Astrology indicates it perfectly, if correctly done.

Thoughts are like optional snacks, only free. The better tasting ones create energy for you and are not fattening. So why have boring thoughts that you don't like, or that put you down? All our opinions are equally unimportant, so we might as well have the thoughts that benefit us. They will create life for you the more they are based around your own unique inclination. Once you've stopped believing and caring for all opinions, all that will be left is that inclination. Insanity is hard work and benefits nobody. Remember in looking for your inclination, to not just reduce it to logical thought, as it is a living thing. On the other hand, life need not only be sweet. We can be like a gourmet, enjoying many tastes.

Lastly, a lot of depression comes from the digestive system. A Chinese doctor might say you have "damp-heat condition". For ten days or so, try avoiding oil that has been heated (ever), sugar, coffee, MSG, most red meats and refined carbs. No mangoes or bananas. Only do brown rice, plenty steamed veggies with some salt, a little tuna in brine, fat free everything, and drink more water. Then observe your mood, you may learn something useful. Also, much as I fear Western doctors - a simple blood test can show if you have enough minerals and stuff.

All IMHO of course .. Lief vir jou.

Doomed But Cheerful! said...

Mate.
You are not 'unlovable'
You are not a mess
You really are loved
You don't have to shut up

It seems we had similar childhoods
It doesn't last forever
No way are you going to be alone
Absolutely no chance

The problem for you is going to be
"Which of the many people who love me do I spend my time with?"

Never give up
=]*

Jordan said...

I agree with everything doomed but cheerful said.

Know that you are loved and lovable, even if you don't feel it, even if you are alone.

I know that knowledge doesn't help your suffering, as it never has helped mine. But i think that knowledge can give us strength to push on, to find a place where we do feel the love we deserve. Cause you deserve love.


I wish there was someone there to give you a hug, cause in reality that is probably what you need most.

just know that you are not alone in your loneliness. And don't stop talking, cause we want to hear what you have to say.

much love

Jordan


Jordo

pinstripe said...

Mcake, you don't tell us WHAT is happening in your life, or WHY you feel this way. We only ever here the end result, which is you being sad.

Not that you should have to, but without reason people jump to conclusions.

Anonymous said...

What is the source of your unloveableness?

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
http://www.thework.com/thework.asp#howto

S said...

When we do things over and over again it seems like nothing will change. That's when the loneliness sets in. When your alone again you can't help tears and the emotions that come with them. I've felt that way most of my life. I don't know you but I feel like I understand this part of you.

*hug* Hope you get a real one soon.

Aek said...

Hey man,

Sorry for not commenting earlier or consoling you online. Everyone has their ups and downs. You're not alone in feeling how you feel (though, it does feel that way, no?).

We're here for you. You should know that. If you're unhappy, do something about it. It's your move, it's (almost) always your move. Don't spend too much time dwelling on a thought, okay?

Move on! Write more, go outside and breathe the air, run, shout, cry, play with your cats, wank (and then some more), something!

*hugs* Here's hoping you're feeling better.

cvn70 said...

mboy

hugs hugs hugs sorry i have been travelling a bit and just checked in with you but you are amoung the people i owe so much too my little loveable friend

if all yo want is a hug then tell me where to find you and i will come over there and give you a big hug buddy.

but if you want to talk about hating yourself and being alone well that is an area i am an expert in my friend. And while i had siblings and friends and played sports and all that bullshit i was always alone in room full of people cause i was not like them

and i never knew people would even care for me until i met people like you

gutless is not s description i would use to describe you in anyway and stop beating yourself up to what end are you seeking.

Get out of that bed every day and work hard for your future. Just smile at teh assholes and count the days and know you are so loved in so many places.

I have been alone for all my life little buddy and it sucks at times but ther are worse things in life and now that i have met you and others maybe i will change my life some

how can a guy who causes so many to care for him be unloveable just think about that and some day some little aussie guy (maybe even jakee) is going to meet you and learn what we already know.

and that poor bastard does not even know what in store for him if he disrespects yo in anyway :P but mboy do not ever stop talking to us because of a couple of fucking tools who bitch you are not a perfect person

i was worried about you you know.

i know none of this may change your spirits today but you are one lovable, huggable and bestes person in this world

take care and be safe and i will come give you a hug if that is all you really want you know :)

bob

Anonymous said...

hi. i've been reading ur blog. coincidentally, i'm the only child in my family too, no bros or sis. ur quite young to have this kind of problem. when i was ur age, i didnt have the lonely feeling. all were good.

but now i'm 24 and i realised i feel very lonely. i still live with my parents and ppl may think i shouldnt feel lonely. but i still feel alone.

that lonely feeling affects me negatively. and to "erase" that feeling, i try to focus on my work and keep myself busy with other things. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. sometimes i just cry alone.

to make matter worse, all of my friends have got their own life and we dont see each other anymore. i've been trying to distance myself from them so that later when we dont see each other anymore, i wont feel too disappointed. i'm still seeing a few of them after planning to meet somewhere but i'm preparing myself for the day when we all will be separated and wont see each other anymore.

ppl would say i should get a girlfriend but my lack of social skills prevent me from having a gf. yes, lack of social skills add more troubles to my loneliness.

i'm sorry for "hijacking" this comment section and tell about my life.

but i respect u for having the courage of blogging about ur life. i dont have the will to blog coz i think it's just a waste of time for me and i dont think anyone will read it.

i wont tell u to stop whining or something like that. but try to be positive, do things that u enjoy the most and dont think about the loneliness.

ignore all the negative comments. just keep blogging and writing. i love reading several blogs including yours.

this will sound cliche... but... u do know that there are ppl that love u. just remember that.

take care, i hope u have a good day.

*hugs*