Fixing, Adding, Changing, Look Bettering.

Lotsa blog stuff to get out. :P

Though first, the cat came home at about 9:45pm, so i could finally end catwatch. :)

Now, onto blog stuff.

I reposted my interview from Col's Blog so i can link to it in my sidebar for future readers to read if they wanna.

Also on links, i'm thinking i need to liven up my blog and some of my fav blog links a bit. Plain writing in the sidebar doesn't look very attractive so i'm trying to think of some suitable pics to act as links for my other 2 blogs, and maybe AJ's and Jake's blogs too.

I'm also gonna put up another poll soon. Polls are fun. :D

I think i'll look back through the blog and see if there are any important or cool posts i can link to in the sidebar. The 100th post 100 random facts about me was fun.

My 200th post will be in a few weeks, and i've decided i'll post 200 random facts about me. :D

Also, i've decided that i will put my msn address on my profile so people can add me if they wanna talk. :D

I said that i don't use icekeebyblu@hotmail.com for msn, but i still had people adding me as a contact for it. lol. No more confusion. :)

I think that's all.

love.



Interesting fact: Although it has only been around for a short while, Secret Project is rapidly getting more hits than this blog. :O

An Interview With Me.

From Col's Blog.

Figured i'd post this on my own blog so i can link to it.

What he wrote is in black or purple and my answers are blue.

:)

- - -

I'm sure Mirrorboy needs no introduction to most of you, but for those that don't read his blog: Mirrorboy's Blog, he's a 15 year old gay guy from Australia. He has a great sense of humour, a wonderfully creative mind and a very strong character. Oh, and he loves his cats too!

If you don't already read his blog (see link above), please go visit him... you won't be disappointed!

The questions...

How old are you and what do you do?
I'm 15 years old, a student at highschool, and wannabe author.

Are you planning to go to college to study journalism?
I still haven't thought that far ahead. I'm a bit useless when it comes to Uni and stuff.

Your readers will already know of the novel you're creating: "Universes". How are things progressing with that lately?
I'm around 183,000 words. Just finished a chapter, so i'm now planning the next one before i dive into and get stuck as per usual. lol. And i'm up to a really tough bit in it cos i'm following a storyline which doesn't include my main characters. Ya know, i make it up as i go along, and the downside of that is sometimes i work myself into a hole.
Hehe.

So, you live in Victoria, Australia?
I sure do.

We'll talk more about location later, so in the meantime... are you Gay, Bisexual or Confused?
Lol. I am gay

And apart from your creative writing, what other hobbies, interests or pastimes do you have?
Hmm... I like playing games. I would kick anyone's ass at the Wii. :P
Other than that, another hobby of mine is blogging heheh, and other internet stuff ;)
Lol.

What about likes and dislikes, loves and hates? Anything at all from foods to people and religion.
Well that's a hard question...
Which requires an answer lol.
Right... I love English, and boys. I hate... haters. Hate is a strong word. So, i only really 'hate' haters.
That's all you wish to say then?
I don't know, your questions are so broad lol. I need direction!
Erm... do you like school, where you live, pizza, religion, animals etc?
I hate my school and where i live. Now that's a good way to use 'hate'.
Lol.

Who do you fancy/have a crush on at the moment... real, celeb, or cyber?
Lol. I can't just post that on the internet for everyone to see! That's personal lol, i do think Rafael Nadal is hot tho.
Yeah, but we all know about that one lol. Anybody else?
Ummz... depends if porn stars count. XD
Yeah!
Hahaha.
Surely there must be somebody!
Yah, im tryin to think...hmm that's hard. Mitch Hewer's hot ;) but every gay loves him.

What kind of boys do you like?
All boys.
Any particular look that really does it for you?
Lol. Well there are a few that i go for i guess - typical blonde twinks, and long-haired emos. I guess guys with nice hair are what i like, i dunno why though.
Do you have a hair fetish?
I wouldn't call it a fetish. It's just a 'thing', i would say. heheh.
So Emo's... what is about them... the hair, the clothes, the piercings etc?They have piercings right?
Hahahaha, some of them. It's hard to say why... maybe it's the hair.
Lol. So boys again... tall, short, skinny, podgy, smooth, hairy, white, asian....?
Dude, i like all boys. Seriously! I can be attracted to all types. What matters most of all is what's on the inside... corny, but it's true!

So, favourite food?
Chocolate :)

Fave style of music?
Techno, trance, ambient sort of stuff.
All time fave song?
That's always changing haha. For now... it's www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/112372 but it will be different in a few days XD.
Lol.

All time fave book, and fave author (you and yours is not included lol)?
Lord of the Ringses were pretty epic, but i like Eoin Colfer's books the most. Every parent should read their kids Enid Blyton's stories too.

Fave two pieces of clothing?
Lol. I like my cargo shorts/pants... that's it lol.
Oh, ok lol

People who have inspired you?
Mrs. Oc made me want to be an author! I'm so glad i had her as a teacher. She gave me a purpose in life for the first time and i will always remember her for that.

I know you haven't really thought about college/uni, but do you think you will go there as an "out" gay man. Or, is it too early to tell yet?
I would need to have a look around once i got there before i would decide... test the waters, if you will.
That's a fair answer.
Damn right it is, bitch! lol.
Lol. You cheeky little pup!

What are your dreams, aspirations and goals for your future?
Find someone who loves me. That's the big one! Other than that, write some good stuff and get it published. I would love it if Universes was successful. Most immediate goal though, is to escape this crippling little city of mine and head to Melbourne ASAP.
Ok, we'll talk about that later but I'm glad you mentioned the word "successful" there. I've no doubt you will be!
*blushes*

So why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Cos i like it when people ask me questions. haha.
Do you not hope that it may help others?
Of course.

You're an inspiration to many people, young and old(er), how do you feel about that? Any pressure?
I honestly don't think about being an inspiration, i just go about my business, and if that helps people in any small way, then that's fuckin awesome :)
But yes, there is a certain pressure that comes with where i am now. It becomes harder to give each person some individual time, because every few days i meet someone new.
I'm sure that you do, and I'm also sure that each one of those people appreciate the time you give them... including me.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it's totally out of our control.

Ok, when did you realise that you were gay?
Only a couple of years ago.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it, but it took me a lot of struggling and time. I guess between the time of one realising they're gay, and accepting it, they have to admit that it's beyond their control...
Very good point!

Who are you “out” to?
I'm 'out' to 3 family members, and everyone at school. Well i was outed!
When i was outed to my Mum, it wasn't as bad as i expected, so i'm glad she found out.
I was NOT, however, ready to be outed at school, so that was hard beyond belief to deal with, and still is.

For any readers who don't know the story of your "outing" can you give a brief description of what happened?
Gay Porn heheh. The word spread, and soon everybody knew.
Who found the porn?
One of my nosy 'friends'.
Is he still a friend. lol?
I think.

What reactions did you receive?
A lot of negative ones. A few positive. A few weird lol. But kids like the ones in my school can be a bit... mean.

Overall, are you now glad it‘s happened?
I honestly don't know. I mean, i can be myself, but at a large cost.
What cost is that?
Insults, people shouting things at me, teasing, jokes at my expense etc.
It's hard.

So, the next question...What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I worry that the sort of life i live now (one of being teased and laughed at) is one i will have to live in the future. Other than that, i don't worry about much else. I hope that once i get to the big city, people will be more accepting of who i am, and i will have more support.
What about your rights as a gay man, or having children etc?
I'm 15. I don't need to worry about rights yet, lol.
Children - i don't really mind what happens :) If my partner wants, or has children, i will probably be a proud parent heheh.
Lol.

And how have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
My strategy for last year was to ignore it. I tried changing that this year but i quickly reverted to that strategy and it doesn't seem to be going too well for me. lol
Do you think that's the best way, for you at least, to deal with it?
Probably not but i can't manage to change it. The best i can do right now is look for support to help deal with it, even if only on the inside. My self-confidence is a work in progress too. I'm doing my best to be more confident in my physical presence (by doing things like getting contacts and losing weight etc).
That's great, doing what you are doing. Anything that helps you is a step forward, and your answer brings me to my next question...

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
My biggest support was my teacher, Mrs OC. I can talk to her about what i'm going through, and she is helping me the best she can. She also told me about the gay youth group in my city, which i've been to a few times. Unfortunately, Mrs. OC is on long-service leave this year, so i've been without her for a while.

What about other forms of support, like the internet, groups/forums. Or, your blog and on-line friends?
Oh yeah! I don't know what i'd do without my online support. It means the world to me, seriously. It's just beyond words. I can't describe it.

I know that people lean on you, but are there any people on-line that you can lean on?(I mean people you can really talk to.)
Yes. A couple who i really trust.
That's good, you need that trust.

I know you've visited the Gay Youth Group, but do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
Not really. But i guess i can't expect that much from my small city.
Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Haha. Well im already out, so people seeing me enter isnt a problem. But yes, i would look into them.

And how do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Heaps! It's given people in remote places a way to find support, just like it did for me. Not to mention how it helps some people to accept themselves more, and all that icky stuff to do with teen suicide. It gives people support, and that's what gays and bi's need.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
It wouldn't have been easy, to say the least. I can imagine it would have been scary for a lot of people. I guess there would have been a lot of horny guys back then too *jokes* hehe.
Lol. Good one!
*high fives all round*

If you had grown up through those times, what do you think your life would be like now?
I'd be sad i guess... sad that life had been so hard, and that i'd missed out on a lot of things by not having any support.

Ok, now I know we've talked a little about resources, but what do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet...?
Hehe, is that a question or a statement?
Does the internet count? Cos it seems like a pretty obvious answer lol.
Yeah, it counts but what about other gay people, family, or yourself even?
Well the internet brings you closer to other gay people. People need to have support, and the internet can give everyone support... so that's my answer :)
That's fine. There is no right or wrong answer lol.
And also, the internet helps one to become a stronger person.
How?
By giving them support and advice, and help etc. Thus making one stronger, and improving other aspects of life. And, one can accept themself more... and then with more confidence, they will venture out in search of even more support... if ya know what i mean?
Yes, I do. And can all that be said for you then?
Yes.
Good.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Sure do!
Because of reasons you've given earlier on, or are there other reasons too?
I can say what i think and feel without worrying about people knowing who i am. I don't have to worry about reactions or something... i can't explain it any better lol.
That's fine. lol.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Hmm... well i don't really think about it. It doesn't really fuss me what happens. I'm not against it or anything, just, whatever happens, happens, and it's cool.
Ok, but let's say for a moment you did want to... would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't go into a fake straight relationship. I just think that doing that willingly just to get a child, is cruel and selfish. If i wanted to, i would adopt.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene?
I never met my Dad. Mum's story was that he just 'ran away' before i was born, and we never spoke about it since.
How difficult has it been for you... not having a Father while growing up?
Hmm... It's hard to tell. I don't really have much to compare it to. It just became the norm for me, ya know?
Yes
lol

Have you ever felt jealousy towards your friends who have Fathers and "do stuff" with them?
Lol. Well of course, when i was much younger.

Do you think that not having your Father, or a male role model in your life has had an influence on your sexuality?
Nope.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My older cousin is.
Has he been able to help or support you in the past, if you've asked him that is?
I haven't asked, but i know he would if i did ask.
Do you get along with him ok then?
Yeah i guess, but we don't see each other much, or know each other that well.

So, drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Reach out! Take that first step and you will never look back. My first step was typing a nervous first entry into my blog, and look where that got me! Now i'm someone who people can turn to and lean on for support... hey that's funny :)
I started this blog looking for support, and now i've become support for other people.
*feels fuzzy inside* lol
Bless :)
:)

So… based on your life to date as a gay teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would be gay, cos being gay is what i do best. Sexuality is such a big part of my life now, if i weren't gay, i wouldn't be me... and i love boys lol... I want one!
Lol.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Yes. I would live in a big city like Melbourne, because where i am now is full of small-minded and immature people.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would live in the future cos i want to see robots and lasers and crap lol. But seriously, people would be more accepting in the future, so i wish i could live then. But i guess the 21st century is okay. It could be worse.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
O God... Mum's not perfect but she does her best. I won't say anything else.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Yes! I grew up lonely, and always wished i had a brother or sister to play with.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Lol. Lots. Probably due to my image issues... self-confidence etc. I could write you a list :)
Go on then!
Ugh... nose, lips, eyelids, eyebrows, hair, skin, chin and jaw, teeth, ears too!
I thought I was bad lol.
:)
So what do you think is wrong with those?
Nose too big, lips too dry, eyebrows too thick, skin not clear enough, hair too weird and doesn't sit right, eyelids are a little wrinkly or something, my chin is too big, and teeth aren't that good either. Good?
Fab lol, thanks!

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol now you've got me started... pretty much everything, again! You want more detail, again?
Oh yes!
Ugh... hips are too wide, feet are like triangles but with huge arches, hands are too small and a bit boney, and everything else just looks weird or out of proportion... i'm a wreck lol.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Shyness and my physical issues, and maybe a couple of my OCD things lol.
Anything else?
Lol. Dont think so... i like my brain lol, and im glad i have the English skills i do.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Confidence and some sort of sporting ability lol.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes i think so... i see people who are sad and lonely and i just think; i'm sure there's a way out!Everybody has the potential to be happy... EVERYBODY... but they need to stop sabotaging their own freakin lives and make an effort.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Aren't they?
Lol. I say yes, others disagree!
Well if you type 'synonyms for choice' into Google, im sure decision would come up lol... in fact i will!
Lol.
Heheh. 'Synonyms: alternative, appraisal, choosing, cull, cup of tea*, decision...' found it, i was right lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the answers above... what do you think your life would be like at this moment in time?
I can assume i would be happy. I think i had fair answers, considering i kept my personality which is what matters most. Other things would only help me to be happier.
And confidence would play a big part in that?
Yes.

Night Cat.

So i've been waiting here in the kitchen for a few hours now, because i've been trying to get my cat Jemima to come inside. I usually whistle or shake the cat food box to get her home.

Now... it's past 9pm. She's still not home. She has come up to the front door and sat there, and then when i opened the door to get her, she ran up the driveway. So i went after her, but she slipped under the gate. I'm a bit too big to follow unfortunately.

Well i have to wait for her to decide it's time to come home.

Meanwhile, i have to sit here and wait...

*sigh*

I'm baaaacck.

Yes, i'm back! Did you miss me? :P

I wasn't busy or anything, my internet wasn't working so i couldn't actually come online for a couple days. :(

Oh, it was awful i tell you. I felt like i was missing out on something. I couldn't talk to my friends or check emails or read blogs or anything. I didn't realise the internet had such a grip over my life now. It kinda creeps up on you and then when you suddenly can't have it, you get all stressed.

It was pretty boring too, and i found myself wandering out here to the computer from my room, and then just turning around and heading back. I'm used to checking on things but now i had no purpose. It was truly lame. :P

Anyways, i'm all caught up now. It seems things will continue to go on around here when i'm not around anymore! :P

love.

Not Around.

Another uneventful weekend in the blogging world...

Not for me, but from me! A friend's coming over so i won't be around today or tomorrow.

Click here for Awesomeness.

And here's a happy song.

Also if you haven't already, plz go and leave a comment on MBWords. Feedback really helps me out. I'll get around to replying to the comments there when i'm back online.

I'm happy? :O

So i haven't really been happy for a long time. I found it hard to even smile or laugh and mean it.

But i spoke to Landyn on msn tonight! And i was like :D!

I hadn't spoken to him for months and i was missing him so much. Then tonight i was sitting here at my computer with msn on and he signed in! I was beyond happy! He really means the world to me so to talk to him after so long was amazing. ^_^

I don't expect many of you to understand, but i just feel this huge connection with him. It's like a piece of my soul had returned.

Go check him out if you haven't already. He's the awesomest guy in the world. :)

An Interview With Mirrorboy!!

That's right. I was interviewed by my pal Col and you can read everything you ever wanted to know about ME over on Col's blog.

Check it out leave some comments. I'll put the interview up here in about a week so i can link to it, cos it's a great way to get to know me. :)

Enjoy! ^_^

I Will Survive.

Hai.

Feeling a bit better.

The issues i have about myself - they're things i can work on with the psychologists i'm seeing. They're gonna take a long time to deal with properly but i've got a lot of time to give and i'm doing the best i can under tough circumstances.

Someone i could just hold would probably help a lot and squish a lot of my worries, unfortunately i just haven't found anyone yet. :/

My social skills are pretty crap so i've got a long way to go. :/!

I should say thanks for all the support though (comments and some of those masssssivve emails lol). I'm glad i've got you guys to lean on. I dunno where i'd be without you.

I was looking back on something blog-related i said a while ago by chance, and some of the stuff i was talking about really related to me. I said something along the lines of everyone has the ability to be happy and there is a solution to every problem you could possibly have, and people should stop worrying about things they can't change and focus more on the positive etc. etc.

If only i could take my own advice sometimes...



I went to the gay youth group again today. The people there are really funny and nice and we're doing some cool stuff. Unfortunately the meetings won't be back on for a few weeks until after the Easter break. :/

Anyways the woman who runs it is really helpful and caring. After the meeting was over we talked about school and stuff and she said that if i ever need to talk i could call her anytime. (I know a lot of you were asking if i had anyone i could talk to in real life if i needed to, so the answer is yes.)



BY THE WAYYYYYY I'm heading down to Melbourne for a few days around Easter time! :O

I love Melbourne. It's where i'm going to move as soon as i'm old enough. What's good now is the fact i'll get a break from this place for a while. Mum even says i can meet up with a few people down there too! ...Only if i already know you online though. No pedos suddenly raising their hands are gonna get a visit from me. lol



That's enough for now. My mind's going all over the place and i keep making spelling mistakes. :/

love.

Eh.

Sorry i haven't been posting much. I've just been really down this past week or so. I guess i've had to deal with so much crap for so long, my resistance has just been worn down and down until it's hard to even get out of bed. I haven't been happy for so long. I can barely manage a smile. I sometimes just sit down and cry cos i'm so sick of being me. I wish i had someone else's life and wasn't stuck with my crappy one.

It's mainly the loneliness. And not just your average 'being alone' loneliness. It's the sort of loneliness that builds up and up slowly always inside you. I'm an only child. I grew up alone. I come home alone. I sleep in a room on my own. I play games alone. I've been doing this all my life, and i'm just so sick of it. I just need someone to be here with me, but i feel like i'm never going to get that. I'm going to be alone forever, and too self-conscious and gutless to go out and change it. My inner demons have broken back into my head and i'm beating myself up all the time telling myself everything that's wrong with me. All i want is a hug, or someone to hold me, but i feel like i'm never going to get that cos i'm such a mess of a person.

I feel unlovable.



'It's classic depression' or some shit i hear you say. People will comment telling me to get a grip or stop whinging. It's happened for every other post like this on here. That's why i don't even want to blog. People are so fucking quick to judge, but they have not lived my life. They don't know what it's like to have lived a lonely life for every single day of your existence.

I sometimes feel like i'm lying. People online say they love me, but inside i hate myself so i know they wouldn't love me if they met me.

I'm a mess and i know it.

Ugh. I'm just gonna shut up. This doesn't even make sense and i don't know why i bothered saying it.

Plug.

A really good online friend of mine, going by the name of Deadwing, just started up his own blog - One False Move.

He has to face a lot of struggles in his life because of his sexuality, and isn't 'out'. In fact, i was the 1st person he came out to, online.

He's a really great guy, so go check out his blog and follow along, and offer him any help you can.

He's also new to the blogging world, so his blog looks funny (aka weird). :)



While i'm at it, i posted a small battle scene from my story on MBWords and any feedback would be really really helpful. :)

love.

Oh Hai.

Weekends are so boring. Nobody updates their blogs cos they're all out of the house 'living their lives' or something. pffft! Losers :P

Back to school tomorrow after my week-long break. -_-

This house is warm and safe, and school is still so harsh and stressful for me. I really hate it. :(

I won't bore you with any more. I know how you hate whingers.



I had a really awful dream last night.

Someone hacked into my msn on my pc and abused my friends and then fucked up my blog. :/

The bad thing was, it was like, a really long dream too. It just went on and on...

That... sucked. -_-

Also on msn though, i've started making my own smileys. woot

It's surprisingly easy. :)

As long as you know how to blend 19x19 pixels in MS Paint so they don't look funny. :P

Well, i'm out of things to say.

Please check out my other blog and leave feedback. Thanks. I might post on it again later tonight or something, seeing as i'll be in for another night by myself.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/127538 It's nice when you find a song that matches your mood.

Pucca.

The cutest cartoon in the world. And also funny as hell. I came across this show one day by accident, and have loved it ever since. :D

Here are a couple episodes. They both go for about 7:30. Enjoy. ^_^









Also, (blatant self-promotion but) please have a look at my other blog, MBWords! I've been posting excerpts from my story, and any feedback is greatly appreciated and means a lot, seriously. Thanks. And I respond to all comments too.

love.

Storm! :O

We had a huge storm today, about an hour ago.

Rain was gushing down and the gutters were overflowing. The path to my backyard was underwater. The driveway was flooded. The roof over the pergola apparently is NOT waterproof, and i had to run out and move the chairs. And there was really loud thunder and a bit of flash lightning. Silly cats were outside too, and had to sit through it all. -_-

Of course, me being me, the first thing i did was grab my camera and run outside.

I risked my life to bring you these shots, but that's the sort of guy i am - always working for the betterment of others. :)




Flooded Driveway.







Then it got worse.



Of course, that was above the chairs, so i had to move them.









Underwater. -_-



Although, it ended so quickly, and in the space of a few minutes, the rain had stopped, the clouds had disappeared and the Sun was shining again.


I only took these about 20 mins after the first photos.





The cats got home AFTER the storm, and i had to dry them with a towel. :P



Anyways, i feel a bit better than yesterday, but i'm still pretty sore and stuff. -_-

I'm surviving though, as always. :P

love.

GRRRRRR.

Home & Away is a soapie television series that airs on weeknights at 7pm here in Aus and its main audience is teenagers.

At the end of the month, they're introducing a lesbian storyline. There's nothing overtly sexual or in-your-face about it. The two women dance, share a kiss, and over 5 weeks their relationship evolves into love.

That's cool, no? Gay characters in the media play a huge part in acceptance of gays.

Of course, when our state's favourite newspaper hears what's happening it becomes front page news...


GAY TV FOR KIDS


Yep. Front page too.

But don't worry. In the article, we hear from some level-headed people with reasonable arguments.

"They (Home and Away) continue to market to kids and they continue to develop quite sexualised plot lines," Pro-Family Perspectives director Angela Conway said.

"The plot lines that young kids and teenagers should be presented with should be about really authentic relationships that are not just sexualised."

I see. I see. Damn those homosexuals and their unauthentic, sexualised relationships, ruining our young kids' minds.



I say, good on 'em. I just can't believe the newspaper is presenting the story in such a way. I mean for fuck sake, it shouldn't even BE a news story, not to mention - front page news!! The headline is practically BEGGING for a negative response!



Luckily, we hear from one of the actors as well.

Actor Esther Anderson, who plays Charlie Buckton, talked to gay friends in the lead-up to filming.

Anderson said kissing another girl "wasn't that big a deal", and young viewers would accept the scenes.

"You learn pretty much everything at school," she said. "I don't think it's like I'm lifting the lid on something they don't already know about.

"To me there's no difference - love's love. The fact that your partner's the same sex is no different. You just want to be loved."

Sick.

Yup. I'm sick.

I feel weak and have no energy and my body's achey and it hurts when i move a lot. As well as a bunch of other things but i won't bore you with the rest.

At least i get a couple days off school. *weak smile*

Oh yeah, i guess i'm not as sad as the other day. I just have bad days sometimes. The fact that i was alone in my room (and starting to get sick) probably made everything worse.

I came to a realization the other day too.

Nobody has the right to complain about their own lives.

People should stop moping in their own sadness - that they got a bad hand in life or they're unlucky. Cos then they don't make an effort to change.

We are ALL capable of being happy. But some of us just have to wait for it, or work for it.

Just cos you're overweight, or have bad skin or big bones, or a quiet voice or you're going bald, doesn't mean you should give up and whinge and whine and get depressed.

You have to make an effort to change. If you can't change what's 'wrong' with you, then you need to change your own view about it. And if you don't, then it's your own fault if you're a sad hermit for the rest of your life.

I've got a hundred things i'm working on for myself. I view myself as a bit of a mess. I'm like that. I have awful self issues and pick on everything about me - some with good reason, and some without.

There were some things i hated about myself that took a really long time to accept. I felt so unlucky. 'Why am i this way when others get it so easy?'

But once you realise that some things are beyond your control, you start to realise that there's nothing really wrong with having something or being a particular way in the first place.

It doesn't condemn you to a life of sadness. It doesn't prevent you from making good friends and being successful.

But if you can't take your mind off the bad things, when you should be striving for the good things, then it's really your own fault if life sucks.

Eh. What's the point of this post? I can't remember. :/

Anyways, i was gonna mention that i'm working on losing weight again. All this stress recently really hasn't done any good for my self-esteem. I comfort eat a lot.

For a while last year, i was happy. Life was kind of 'normal'. I could focus on eating healthier and making an effort, and i lost weight.

Now i've just been coming home after school, grabbing a bag of chips or something and heading to my room to watch TV or play games. It was the only way i could relax.

But guess what. When i look in the mirror nowadays and see what i'm becoming again, i just get unhappier about myself. And for fuck sake, that's all i need!

I'm only making things worse, so i've gotta change. I've done this before, and was doing okay, before i was outed. When i was outed, my world came crashing down and everything changed, and my mind moved from losing weight, to pretty much my own survival.

I can't let this go on. It's not going to get better. So i'm going to go back to losing weight.

All i need to do is find that fire within me that used to drive me.

Anyways. Nostalgia - Mario Kart 64 song remix kinda. I smiled while listening to this.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/73041

No more lazing about. ;)

Woot.

Not every day.

I try to be positive, but that doesn't work every day.

It's nights like this - I'm home alone in my bedroom watching TV, Mum's at work for hours, the cats are asleep in other rooms, it's cold, dark, and the crickets are chirping.

It wears me down until i just feel so alone and lonely...

I'm all i've got. It's just me and me.

I don't want to be alone. I hate it.

I know i'm not alone in my loneliness. And that's awful. It's one of the worst things in the world, as far as i'm concerned. So many of us suffer from it. -_-

That's all.

Back to my room now...

love.

Free Self-Promotion For The Win!

I know i said my 2 blogs wouldn't have much to with with each other, but Mirrorboy's Words doesn't have a following yet, so i'm gonna promote it here. :D

I posted my first excerpt of a story ever on the blog. I would love it if you checked it out and commented what you think.

love.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/198578

Garden Cats. :P

I slept in this morning. :(

I hate sleeping in. I just cut a few hours out of a day i should be enjoying. Sadness

Anyways, i've got Monday off from school cos it's a public holiday, so long weekend! :D



I just came in from being out in my backyard with my cats. It was raining last night so everything was damp and dewy and had a nice smell. Thank God we're finally getting some rain. Victoria needs it.

Anyways, i of course had my camera with me. Here are some photos i just took. I took over a hundred so it was hard to pick just a 'few'. :P



Balancing cat. :)



It's pretty awesome how spiders can turn leaves into homes.

Eating grass. Mmm.



View from Jemima.



View from Tiger.

Looking wistfully into the distance. :P



Watching birds.

ZOMG. Whose hand is that? :O

Rolling in the dirt.



lol

lol



Detail. :)

love.

Psychologist Fun Times.

*EDIT: They're psychologists, not psychiatrists. Sorry. :/*

So i went to see 2 psychologists today with my Mum. fun fun

It's nothing bad, in fact it's good, i think.

I need help in how i'm dealing with the crap i have to go through. They're going to help me with my anxiousness and coping with stress, and how i feel about myself etc.

With a bit of help i might feel better about myself and things said/done to me won't affect me so much. I might not get so stressed and anxious and have such trouble facing the day, every day.

It'll take a few weeks to make any progress cos i'm going to go for another appointment in a week by myself, and then they're going to do one with my Mum, and then another with the both of us again, before they give me some strategies.

Anyways, wish me luck. I'm a bit of a mess in life. lol

At least you can't say i've given up. :)



I'll try to get around to posting something on my other blog sometime this weekend. I've just gotta figure out what to post first. I could either start with explaining the story, or why i write, or talking about characters, or i could just start by posting a few random excerpts that i like... I dunno.

Anyways, i'm gonna have an early, relaxing night in my room watching TV.

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/124154

love.

150,000 views!

Yayyyyyyyy! That's right! 150,000 views.

We've come a long way together haven't we.

I love writing this blog. I still maintain that starting it was one of the best things i've ever done. To think that if i'd never started, i wouldn't have met so many amazing people and learnt so much about the rest of the world, well, i can't imagine where i'd be, and i don't want to know. Blogs are amazing and this one has changed my life for the better in many amazing ways. I also hope i provide you with some sort of amusement or interest. :)

Well, it's onto the surprises! :D



I'm announcing the launch of my new blog! Mirrorboy's Words.

Creative writing is a huge part of my life. But i always felt like the sorts of writing posts that i wanted to make didn't belong on this blog. So, i created a blog just for them! Where i can post about that huge part of my life that i don't mention on here much.

I won't explain any more, cos i posted on there explaining everything. Go check it out and tell me what you think.



BUT! That's not all!

I'm also announcing the launch of a third blog which i will co-own with Jake. We'll be posting the sorts of pics that we find 'appealing to the eye'. You'll see what i mean when you check out Secret Project.

It's a lot different than what you're used to seeing from me, but i think it will be a lot of fun.



As for this blog? Well, let's not fix what ain't broken. There will be no changes to this blog at all... for now. ;)



Check out the new blogs and tell me what you think, comment, and if you want links to either of them drop me an email. (Me thinks Secret Project might be good for the view count) lol

www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/153594 - awesomeness.

love.

Unnngh...

I feel so exhausted for some reason. Like it's an effort to even stand up. I also seem to be getting an annoying cough.

Maybe it's cos i was up til midnight last night doing homework/watching Dexter, Boston Legal and then 30 Rock. lol

And the night before, i didn't get to sleep til 1am. =_=



Anyways, i just thought i'd drop in, and ya know, say hi and stuff.

I'm also letting you know that it looks like my 150,000 views celebration will happen tomorrow. We've come a long way. So i thought it would be time for a change. Don't worry though - I promise it will be nothing bad. And i'll still be posting most of the same stuff.

You'll see what i mean tomorrow. :P

I hope you'll check out the celebrations.



K. I'm making a lot of typos. I should get to bed and rest. I just wanted to post so i could get some comments, because comments always make me happy. ;)

love.

You should definitely click it to see more detail. ;)

A Good Day!?

That's right, i had a good day, mostly because my gay youth group meeting thingy was on and was cool. :)

There were only a handful of us there today, and the 'meeting' wasn't really 'on' because the organiser had to take care of a shop downstairs, so we hung around in there with her just chatting. It was a lot more relaxed than last time, and i actually talked to someone this time too! *gasp*

So that was cool. :)

The group is working on making some stickers for the next few weeks that we're going to try to get businesses around town to put up on their windows to show that they're 'gay-friendly'. As well as a few other things.

I really like this group. I can't wait til i really get into it. I can be myself here more than anywhere else cos people around me are actually gay! How amazing! lol



I've got some things planned for my 150,000 views milestone - BIG things. The way i blog will be a lot different from then on. You'll see some different sides to me in different ways.

I'm really excited about it. I think it's gonna be a fun change. I can't wait.



Here's today's music link. www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/142057

love.