Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Well.

@Landyn - No, my last post wasn't aimed directly at you, but you did address many of the issues i have around this. In fact i honestly do agree with you. Yes, i do need to stop taking on other people's problems and getting involved. But i believe that in order to do that, i can't keep my blog. For just by having having a blog with a large following and the reputation that i do, people see me as someone they can contact with their problems. I mean what do people think of when they think 'Mirrorboy'? ...I am the person many people talk to when they need to talk to someone. And if i have to go through my links to find the defunct blogs, i'll again come across people having trouble. And the blogs that i follow have times when the bloggers need support badly. I'd even have people like Steevo and Bob say things like "Well this guy's having a lot of trouble, so i said he should get in touch with you". I also get comments of people wanting me to give them advice, and lots and lots of emails... I used to be that person but i'm in a position where the strain has become too much and i can't keep doing it.

Me staying would involve me turning a blind eye whenever i see someone in trouble, and i don't feel i can do that. The guilt would get too much and i wouldn't be able to sleep at night until soon i'll end up talking to someone on msn all day, many days, trying to help them through it. And this whole circle will begin again, and every waking hour will be filled will thoughts of how someone is coping, and me feeling guilty because i'm trying to relax, instead of on msn, or writing comments, or sending emails.

If i continue my blog, i can't just put up a huge warning "Don't contact me with your problems! :@" in the sidebar. If i keep this blog, people are going to look to me for help. And i can't say no. I just can't.

There's something else my psychologist said to me, and she is always right. "Don't overestimate your importance in other people's lives. If someone wants support, they will get it. Just because you're not around doesn't mean their lives are going to take a cataclysmic turn." I'm not the first person to help people and i won't be the last. There are millions of people out there eager to lend a hand. I'm 16 and i want to look after my own life. Just trying to do that is enough for me to handle.

And no, my life is very far from perfect. Some of you may have gotten that impression from my end-of-year post, but fuck me, i was just trying to put a positive spin on a shit year. I've still got a lot of crap in my life. But it's at the stage where it's not breaking me down, because i have just enough that i can handle. Now taking on other people's problems is going to break me down again, and i'm sick of being broken down, and i'm trying to prevent it from happening.



So... I dunno if i haven't addressed anything. I know this isn't the end of the 'discussion', so i'll be posting again soon, most likely.

And btw, saying i'm just jumping ship because i have a boyfriend now, and using people's problems as an excuse - not cool. And one of the reasons why i was so pissed.



And @ Jack Lewis - gtfo

20 comments:

j said...

we all have a hard time saying no mirrorboy. like your doctor said, people will find help. i think you've helped enough people around and made great friends is just that, you are a great person to talk to.

but in no way shape or form should you be "blaming" it on others. i'm sorry if my comments may seem harsh, but i just think it's not a good reason to throw it on everyone else. your blog is for you, no one else. concentrate on that, and you'll be fine.

a lot of people read other blogs and don't comment or even say a word to the owner; some people have read my own blog since the beginning, yet i don't even know their names. you see, it's a great thing that you offer a hand to everyone but you need to concentrate on yourself. maybe in order to do so means stopping blogging all together, or just follow your favourite blogs. or just don't read anything at all.

anyway, i am done with it. i hope you stay and as you can see, everyone else does too. but, we all havr our own problems and you have yours, so take care of yourself and i am sure after all that's been said and done, you'll still be welcomed back.

cheers my friend,
j.

Just said...

Mboy ... fuck them .... you got to do what is right for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks ... those that know and care for you know better. I don't want you to go. But I so understand you can't keep up like this .. I want what is best for you... so if that means you have to leave man ... then that means you have to leave. I wish you didn't have such a open heart or could handle it better. But that doesn't matter what matters is you ... keep your head high.... Lee

J said...

You knew all of this would happen. Fact is, you've become the hub of all the young gay bloggers of the world. That's a lot to ask of any guy. You don't have to be a saint. All they want is that you not disappear.

Anonymous said...

MirrorBoy,
I commend you for all the help and support you have given. When you leave this blog, leave knowing you made a positive impact, and thats what many people will remember.
You will never be able to make everyone see where you are coming from. Sometimes you are better off leaving it as such. You can go on explaining till you are blue in the face, but there will always be apposing views. So just as you spent so much time caring about your fellow bloggers, you can once again get wrapped up feeling the need to explain why you need to do this for yourself.
You will be missed. I hope even the people with opposition to your reasoning can all agree that we want the best for you. And I believe you know what that is. Good luck in life, and love. I look forward to seeing your name in the best sellers list when you get your work published.

Seth said...

Oh wow, so I feel sort of bass-ackwards on my comment on the "why i'm leaving" post.

Hmmm. I didn't see there was quite such drama for you, and people being so demanding, but again I understand your reasons for bailing out of things.

Gah, I can't form cohesive sentences much less complicated thoughts.

Anyway, we'll miss you, please make sure you do a "final" post at least (so I can write a long soppy we'll miss you comment) - and don't let people get you upset in the meantime.

*hugs*

naturgesetz said...

Thanks for this post. I finally understand why you can't stay around. It's because you are too loving.

Well, as I said, I'd like to know how you're doing, but if you never post again, I'll survive somehow, lol.

I want to hear more from you because I love you, but if I love you I want what is good for you; and now I can see that what is good for you can be stopping blogging. If so, that's what I want.

It's been great having you around, and I hope that I have been helpful to you with at least some of my comments.

May God bless you and your caring heart. May he give you joy and bring you ever closer to him throughout your life.

AJCon89 said...

I hate seeing my friends fight and seeing people upset at people... I feel a little stuck in the middle and dont really know how to respond... I guess thats why I didnt comment right away.... :(

For purely personal reasons I want you to continue blogging... your blog means so much to me and so many others and as one of those lost souls you have helped... I can tell you that you have a special way of helping people and I always thought that you should consider one day going into it professionally... you are just THAT good at it.

But I also totally understand why it can be draining... and I want you to be happy and healthy... and I dont want you to have to do anything that hurts you.

So while I want you to stay around and I will miss your blog terribly... I am going to 100% support whatever you decide to do.

I totally get why people are upset you are leaving... and I get why you feel hurt that they are upset at you...

On a side note... I think some of the people commenting here need to calm the fuck down and stop attacking each other... I dont like my friends being attacked...

If someone disagrees with something we can do it in a civil manner without attacking each other...

Mboy can stand up for himself... and I am sure he is having a hard enough time making this decision... I dont think its going to help him at all by attacking one of his friends...

I hope people understand that this is difficult for many people... both for mboy and his friends who want him to stick around... I think we of all people should be understanding of that and only show love and support for each other.

That being said... I love you Mboy and I hope that whatever you choose to do is the right thing for yourself.

Peace,
AJ


*Prepares to get attacked by angry commenters*

Steevo said...

wowowow---thanks for references 2 days in a row...

as i recall we kinda exchanged "cases" ---that sounds awful, but i dont mean it that way...]

IRL I am the same. Some teachers send kids to me after checking if it is OK and I do likewise. I think you and i have an intuition for where to point someone...

its all good, really...

you have done great stuff here and someday you will do other great stuff...

so take your own time, nurture dusty, enjoy being gay and 16 as much as u can...

That only happens once...

Maybe just for the sake of nostalgia send someone here a newsy update w/o any drama... so we know and can keep track of you just a bit... That person can do a post to let us know u have been spotted. And we can all repost, etc. If you want to... maybe ground rules r no replies other than to say hi? IDK

steevo

j said...

mirrorboy, i reread your posts, and i thought about the comments i left and i just want to say one thing - that's even if you even read this far.

anyway, i'm glad to see you're learning about who you are deep down. i'm happy to see that with every post you've made, you've moved one step closer to where you are now and that much closer to finding out what life is all about.


most of all though, i'm glad to see you're moving on. in my opinion, that's one of the hardest things in life, and trying something new and facing whatever else life throws at you next.

you don't need to give anyone an explanation for anything here - we all love you and those lucky enough to be called your friends don't need an explanation. they will always be there for you.

cheers,
j.

John said...

Hey ! I told you a long time ago
that you have to take care of
# 1 remember ?

In your case it`s YOU !

In my case it`s ME !

We all have to take care of our selfs first `cause if we don`t
we get into deep do do.

Your doing good don`t get sucked into something that will have you going backwards.

By the way you really don`t owe anyone any explinations.

Live your LIFE !

TFbluesky said...

I’m sorry to read all this, It’s your Blog and most importantly it is your life. Do what’s best for you and do what ever you feel like.
It would be great to read an update on how you are doing here and than but don’t feel pressure or the need to blog or that you own something to the people who read and follow your blog.
Anyway what ever you do, I wish you all the best. Take care.
T

Doomed But Cheerful! said...

MB, I have read your blog on and off since it started, and shared your trials and tribulations, wept at the challenges, and reveled at the moments of joy. I have sometimes thought "Oh, he really should not get so involved ..." but of course, that is in your nature - what defines part of you.
Ultimately, your blog should be by, about, and most importantly, FOR you. If it is getting in the way of your happiness (which latterly I think it has) then pull that big yellow lever and eject, eject, eject.
Perhaps you (and the blogworld) need a break, to re-evaluate and change perspective.
There can be no harm in that, and no harm done if you decide to come back later, or even not at all.
The world will keep spinning with or without any of us. In that case, think of what you need, and if it makes you unhappy more often than it makes you happy, make a change.
Whatever happens, it has been a privelege to read your blog.
=]

Random Thinker said...

Mirrorboy,

I came to your blog from AJ's. And have spent the last few minutes reading your recent posts and many of the comments.

First, I absolutely LOVE your last line of this post.

The last year has been an evolution of growth for you as an individual, and as a man. You have a sense of caring and perspective that many people never acquire.

I suspect that as you continue your journey through education, experience and life, you will find that you have a solid foundation for becoming someone who makes a positive impact on those around him.

Whether it is through a career of helping others or simply as a dedicated and caring partner and parent, I am certain those around you will be better off in their own lives.

As for your blog, I find it amusing that so many people are expressing arguments for you to keep blogging. It is interesting because as a blogger, you can not "make" anyone come to your blog and read your posts, yet so many comments seem to directly or indirectly lay a guilt trip on you.

Your blog is exactly that - it is yours. No one should question your motivations, your interests, your reasons for blogging - nor should they question your reasons for stopping your blog.

True friends would support you unconditionally, and realize that you will continue to help others in some way, shape or form.

This blog has served a tremendously beneficial purpose. You have impacted many people in a positive manner. Many people are better off for having had the opportunity to read your blog. You have gained many friends, some that will continue even as you no longer blog. You have, more importantly, made positive strides in your own life, and in your own relationships.

You are a remarkable young man, and you should be very VERY proud of yourself. Your experience as a blogger will remain a part of who you are, and who you will become.

Best to you Mirrorboy, for the days ahead, and for the years to come.

~kiwi said...

Mboy. I'm not going to tell you to stay. In the end you need to do what's best for you. And only you have the right to make that decision.
What I will say though - you will be missed... Your happy blogs, sad blogs, silly blogs, cat photos and daily life posts are a good read that a lot of people enjoy.
Don't forget in your 'real life' that you bring a lot to the table by way of helping people. It may be hard for you to cope with the burden but I hope you figure out some way to still get close to, and help out those who are important to you when they need it. Because that's what friendship is all about.
I wouldn't bother getting into too much of an argument here about whether you should leave or not. Just do what you think is right without guilt.
Whatever it is you decide, I wish you all the best buddy.
May you continue to grow and keep living the positive life.
Love
Chris

Col said...

Hi Mirrorboy!

Not read any blogs for a long, long time and I've really only read your last three posts just now.

Although it would be a very real shame if you left blogworld, I completely agree with your reasons. I understand that you can't turn your back on somebody in need (it's not in your nature), and if leaving is the only viable option... then you must do it!!

Imho you have always taken too much on your young shoulders. It is only right and natural that at 16 you should be living a guilt free life, and enjoying it too!! You've had (and probably still have) enough problems of your own to deal with and yet you were extremely brave and gave a hell of a lot of your time to others. It must have been very demanding and often left you feeling mentally/emotionally drained, but even after a break away you were back at it again.

I have nothing but the highest respect for you and I wish you well for the future... whatever you decide to do!

Also, congrats on the boyfriend front! :):) I hope you're both very happy!!!!

Have a brilliant year Mboy and please start thinking of yourself for once!

Lots of love and hugs,
Col
x

ps. If you do leave, would you mind giving me an email address where I can reach you? It's NOT so I can ask for advice... promise! ;)

Take care.

Gauss Jordan said...

"Just because you're not around doesn't mean their lives are going to take a cataclysmic turn."

This is true for most relationships, professional or personal. Most people assume that if they were hit by a bus, the world would end for every person they interact with. That's simply not true. It'll suck for a few, but it'll be "inconvenient" at worst for just about everyone else.

BitBoy said...

I support you 100% of the way mboy, do what is right for you, not right for anyone else! <3

Anonymous said...

i dont want you to go. ill miss you. dont you see that by just keeping up this blog youre already helping others! i havent e-mailed or corresponded with you in anyway until now. i read your blog and it helped me. you dont have to reply to everyone to help them. just keep this blog up and it will help more people. the experiences youve put in this blog is enough to help other people you should continue it. to show that no matter how downhill your life may go it will get better. youve given me hope just by making this blog, so i beg you please dont leave.

Andy said...

;.;

Aww :(

cvn70 said...

Mboy

I doubt this will be the last comment on your blig but thanjks for all you did. I hope by my sending folks your way. You saw as how I felt about you. This blogging will wear you. But yours has done wonders for you and others.

Ill always be here by your side whenever you need a friend

Take care and be safe my friend

Hugs

Bob