Sunday, November 22, 2009

WHAT THE FUCK.

In the space of a few hours, Bitboy goes from being in love with me, being my online boyfriend, playing games and doing everything online with me, and planning to come stay with me for the first 2 weeks of December, to wanting absolutely nothing to do with me.

In the space of a few hours, i go from thinking there might actually be hope for me, thinking i might not be alone forever, i might not be incapable of being in a relationship and be unloveable and there might be a little happiness in my life after such a horrible year, something to make me feel normal, to being totally lost.



He said he loved me. And i loved him. At 6pm he had an appointment with his family and a counsellor. When he gets home he texts me and the first thing he says is 'it's over'. Saying he's not going on the internet at all, and best of all, telling me not to contact him any more. And then, when i of course replied, he tells me to leave him alone.

Okay so at first he seems upset. In his first texts he says 'the counsellor has succeeded in fucking things up' and stuff about his family not letting him do 'this'. He says he would have 'fucked up both our lives by going over there'. He thought he had a fucked up head, and more crap along those lines.



But then he sends me a text later on that night, in which he seems absolutely fine with ending things. He says he has problems he needs to sort out before being in a committed relationship, and that he's confused about where his sexuality lies. And he ends with 'I'm sorry it came this far, but i am certain you will find someone who will love you dearly. Don't give up! ;-)'

FUCKING SMILEY FACE?!

He then called me and seemed so content with saying that he has issues and needs to sort them out, he won't be coming to see me, he won't be my boyfriend, and he wants me never to contact him again.

So what the fuck mate? How can you go from loving me to not loving me in only a few hours? You made me so happy and i made you happy, but now you're stabbing me in the heart. You don't seem to even care about how much you're hurting me. I'm deeply in love with you but you're telling me to stop contacting you. You won't give me the opportunity to even talk about this with you. Well, you did call me, but i couldn't even speak because i was so fucking shocked at what you said i couldn't physically talk. I just don't get it.

What i don't get is how quickly you can go from not caring what the homophobic world around you thinks and just wanting to be happy, to then wanting nothing to do with me, supposedly because of something your family/counsellor said, and then wanting nothing to do with me and coming across as being totally fine with it. You don't even want to be my friend. You want nothing to do with me. I don't get it.



I shouldn't have let myself get my hopes up. Everyone told me to be wary, but ohhhhhhhhh no, i thought the risk was worth it, because this time i would axly be seeing the person face-to-face, and i might have the chance to not be alone for the first time in my life. After all that stood in our way, he himself was the one that put an end to it.

Now i'm left with absolutely nothing to look forward to. And nothing makes me happy. I can't even play that fucking game any more because the only reason i bought it was because HE played it, and he was the best thing about it.

I'm all alone, again. It's back to the fucking crippling loneliness i've become so familiar with. I've got nothing to look forward to and no hope of ever being happy, because life just loves to fuck me over in every way possible. Even i thought life wasn't capable of fucking me up through someone i love, but you shouldn't underestimate how much of a cunt life can be.

32 comments:

tni said...

Don't be reckless with peoples hearts, but more importantly "Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours..."

Jason Carwin said...

:(

mboy, please stay strong. You have hundreds of readers who are here for you always. I can't imagine the anguish you must be going through, but this is just a mere setback on the journey of life. You will get restarted again, and I assure you that you will find someone. We're just teenagers. We have a whole life ahead of us.

Millions of people lose love all the time, which sounds like a scary prospect, but in a way it's comforting. It shows that pain and sorrow are innately human emotions. Pick a good 'ol sad song, have a cry, and listen to the lyrics. I'll bet they suddenly make a lot more sense.

Ethan said...

I just wanted to say sorry about things not working out with Bitboy and I hope you can find someone who really loves you and wont leave you

kinkynik said...

It's life I'm afraid.

Bitboy does seem a bit of a twat being bullied around by his family like that so you're probably better off without him.

And you can't be in love with a person you've never met, only in love with the idea of love.

Just as you think life can't get worse god comes along and kicks you in the bollocks.

It's all the usual platitudes I'm afraid " time is a great healer " etc. etc.
Sorry.

J said...

you remind me of liam alexander

PoisonedHappiness said...

Few months ago I met online a nice guy, I was talking to him for weeks, waiting for him to go online etc. I met him through gay portal. He said he liked me and told me nice things. He gave me hope that guy I find attractive might at least want to be my friend.

You know how it all ended? After almost 2 months I exposed him as a cheater. Photos were fake, things he told me about himself were imaginary. I finally knew why he didn't even want to swap phone numbers or meet.

You know, this is all so fucked. But what we can do? Only show those fuckers that we are better than they are, no matter how much those bastards hurt us. And believe good time will come for us too.

So FUCK IT! Head up! You are amazing and remember that!

AJCon89 said...

awww babe...

I am so sorry and I hurt for you... trust me... I have been there and it suuuuuuucks.... and there is nothing I can say to make it better...

But I love you and so many other people here love you and care about you so much.

And I know you dont feel it right now... but you deserve soooooo much better... you deserve better than an asshole who would hurt you like that.

I am here if you wanna talk...

Love ya.

AJ

goleftatthefork said...

i'm sorry you have to go through this ... really and truly and deeply ...

Anonymous said...

gosh...i have never before commented on ur posts but i feel the need to tell you that u have the fullest right to feel upset. just don't suppress what u are feeling. it makes no sense so do not try to make sense out of it or think it is your fault. KNow that u have devoted followers in blogworld. u are much loved.

peace

naturgesetz said...

:'(

That's terrible.

It's obviously a situation where he's yielded to family pressure. His feelings towards you can't possibly have changed completely in such a short time, so the only explanation is that he is being forced to do this.

So this doesn't mean that you are unlovable or that your situation is hopeless. Overall, it means that people can love you the way he did (the way I believe he still does but is being forced to deny) and therefore it means that there is hope. What happened once, can happen again but without the sudden ending.

So hang in there.

*hugs*

Mr. HCI said...

FUCK

I'm so sorry this has happened but it is not true that you have "no hope of ever being happy." You're a wonderful, very special boy and you will make some lucky boy very happy.

I know it feels like the end of the world and it hurts like Hell. I wish I could give you a hug and make it all better.

One thing I can tell you, though, is very few people hit the jackpot on the first try. Your prince is out there but there will be some frogs along the way, but hopefully not many.

I don't know the situation as well as you and he, but, from his past blog posts, I get the sense that this was not his choice.

It sounds like mum & dad have probably taken him to some dreadful conversion therapist, to "make" him straight. Not going on the 'net and not having any contact with other gay boys is possibly stop number one on the road back to "heterosexuality." Of course, it's not, it's just step number one on the road to misery and possible suicide. He could be acting so cavalier about it because he doesn't want to admit to himself what's happening.

Even in this day-and-age, you're lucky to have a mum that accepts and loves you no matter what. You also have all of us who love and accept you no matter what.

Peter said...

Mirrorboy, I'm sorry and saddened to see you put in this spot again. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. It's not my strong area, but I'll try:

Don't say there isn't anything to look forward to because that's not true. In a few years (I know that's a long time), you'll be out of that small town and (hopefully) in a city where there are probably tons of people for you.

Even with this very sad/angry post, I can still see your excellent writing skills. Those skills are going to get you places in a few years. You *will* find some in that place.

Everyone goes through the normal process of falling in and out of love. It hurts I know, but don't let it get you down to the point where you feel you don't have anything to look forward to. I think we all know what that road leads to, and that's not the answer. So please head down that road.

Stay strong and keep your head up buddy

<3

Matt. said...

if its too good to be true then it probably is.

Hard to say which is worse: loosing everything in one moment, or loosing the connection over a long period of time and slowy drifting apart...

anyways, theres always an up after a down, so chin up.

x

Jason Carwin said...

Kinkynik said, "And you can't be in love with a person you've never met, only in love with the idea of love."

I disagree. I think love is such a mysterious concept that only the people who have fallen in love can determine what's love and what isn't. No outsider can look at a relationship and say if it is or isn't love.

Ryan said...

A smiley face? Is he some kind of terrorist monster? That is heartless...

It sounds like maybe his family convinced him being gay was bad... maybe they taught him to bhury his gay life and lead a straight one...

I do not know, But I know that I have this overwhelming anger towards him right now and am glad at this moment that I do not know him in real life or I would kick his ass.

I am sorry Mboy. Please remember there are people on here who love you and look up to you and WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN AND WILL PULL THROUGH!

Lots of love and the biggest HUG in the world,

Ryan

J said...

You risk a lot when you get involved with head cases. It sounds as if your friend has a lot of issues in his home life. It may be tough, but you'd be better off if you told him to come back when he knows himself better and, more important, knows how to respect the feelings of others.
Sorry this happened to you. The old saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince is quite true.

cvn70 said...

MBoy

HUGS my friend i had teh greastest hopes for you and im sorry tis has occured. Joshua now you its a sad world right now but dont give upi the ship my friend

Keep fighting for the life you deserve and i know you will find something out there

come talk to us on MSN my friend, take care and be safe

bob

Aek said...

:-( *Hugs*

I think he probably still have feelings for you. You're right, no one's heart changes that quickly in such a short time span.

It seems like he was forced by his family and counselor, and you know, people can bend and break under pressure. He may say those things and he may sound content, but deep down I don't think he is.

Of course I don't know the fine details of what transpired between you two, but if I were in his shoes, I'd be numb right now. It'll hit him soon, just like it hit you.

In the mean time, don't get yourself down - it's not your fault. You're not as alone as you think. You've got tons of readers who support you and indeed love you, as Mboy.

Steevo said...

What a pile'o-crap!

This does not add up at all!

Unless:

1. He is a fake. Have u cammed?

2. It is a case of crackpot conversion therapy.

Steevo said...

What a pile'o-crap!

This does not add up at all!

Unless:

1. He is a fake. Have u cammed?

2. It is a case of crackpot conversion therapy.

If rents r in his face and threatening him, he may be doing all this to make u hate him so u will move on. Yeah, dumb, but he is a teenage boy [and human]. Usually like 99% of the time u have to turn over many stones to find a gem. In 10 years u will still be a very young man. I know this may sound like a lotta bullshit right now.

hugs

steevo

Daily Dan said...

You cant do this to yourself. Just because this asshole bitboy or whatever is being a total douche, doesnt mean its the end of the world. People do love u babe. i fucking love u. i love u so much u have no idea. the first thing i do in the morning is come to your blog and check to see if you updated.

Dont let this jack ass fuck face douche terd get u down.

u wanna know something? a little after things between u and jake ended, i kinda thought we were gonna be online boyfriends. i dont know why im telling u this. u just mean a lot to me, and i really do love u.

Tombi04 said...

Boys suck =(.

*cuddles*

Brett said...

I really hope you feel better soon. That's really got to suck mate, I can't even imagine how you're feeling.

You'll work through it though - you're one of the strongest people I've ever come across.

You're amazing, and I bet almost two hundred people are willing to agree. Don't you forget that.

Keep your chin up. =]

*Huge hug*,
Brett.

Planetx_123 said...

I pain so much for you-- I actually cried at your last paragraph. I think in part because I so 100% identify with the emotion that you portrayed.

Grrr...I just hurt so much for you friend. There is no advice, and obviously nothing can be said to make anything any better. I want to just give you a huge hug, and convince you that life will be better. This would be a little disingenuous coming from me since I am in a similar prison of loneliness many days.

You're such a writer--even in the darkest of dark places you write with such eloquence that it cuts right through the heart of the reader, causing them to feel what you imparted as much as possible.

I second tni's reference to the essay used in the sunscreen song: don't be reckless with other people's hearts, but more importantly, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Much Love,
Steve

Anonymous said...

The risk is worth it. The pain is its own proof.

Seth said...

Jason and Nature 's comments seem exactly right.

Not knowing the whole situation, but it seems to be this really has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him, his family, whatever situation he was in.

In other words, its NOT your fault. I'm sure it hurts terribly, and feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. Without repeating the usual fluff, don't give up on things. And yes, you're only a teenager, ffs. You've got a lifetime ahead of you, NOT to be miserable, but to make good things happen.

As always, even though we've had short chats, I'm available if u need to talk or email. I wish I could make things right for you and everyone else.

*big big big big hugs*

Len said...

MB, I can't start to feel how you feel right now. I have some issues myself and I am quite older than you. One thing is for sure and that is Life is full of challenges and we must develope our own wy of coping with them.

I would suggest that you try and I mean try cos its gona be hard to forget bitboy and move on, continue with your life and follow the path that your heart tells you.

Remember we are here for you to lean on. With out this blog family I know I would have struggled but several people gave me some good advice and I think things are on the better side of the dark now.

Don't give up be strong and move forward and eventually if Bitboy isstill following your blog he will see how well you are doing.

Be Safe

BitBoy said...

I know just about every1 in the blogworld hates me now, but id just like to post here that i love mboy and i called him later on sunday and i explained EVERYTHING. He understands, and im still going to see him and yes, I FUCKING HURT HIM and i was killing myself thinking about what i did that night :(. Know that, the whole family was watching my texts to him that night, that i did NOT send that text with a smiley face, and that just about everyone in my world is trying to ruin my relationship with mboy. I will NEVER succumb to it again and i am flying over there and setting things right, despite all the backlash im going to receive when i go home. Once again mboy, im sorry, i love you, and hang in there you are a battler.

Mr McCabbage said...

Mboy .. there you now had an example of someone with a "young" soul. He can't really help it. Please, get yourself this book. You can read chapter 16 and chapter 17 online. Once you have a copy, do pay special attention to chapter seven .. It will help you.

Just said...

So sorry Mboy that you haven't to go threw this... am really sorry , he got the wrong type of help ... and really confuses ... that you have to be the one that goes threw this .... hope with time , and when he can get away from that crap .. he releaizes the shit isnt' wrong with him ..... hang in there .. man ....

Dean Grey said...

Mirrorboy!

Whoa! Hold on a second!

I'm so sorry that had to happen to you but you are being waaaaaay too hard on yourself.

You're still a teenager, right?

You truly have plenty of time to fall in love and meet the right guy.

Just because things didn't work out with this boy doesn't mean they won't down the line with someone else.

Take some time and mourn this relationship. There's nothing wrong with that.

Just realize that you have your whole life ahead of you.

Things will pick up for you.....when the time is right!

Hang in there!

-Dean

Anonymous said...

this is sooo sad.... :( im glad i dnt have a heart... id hate 2 be stabbed like u were....