WHAT THE FUCK.

In the space of a few hours, Bitboy goes from being in love with me, being my online boyfriend, playing games and doing everything online with me, and planning to come stay with me for the first 2 weeks of December, to wanting absolutely nothing to do with me.

In the space of a few hours, i go from thinking there might actually be hope for me, thinking i might not be alone forever, i might not be incapable of being in a relationship and be unloveable and there might be a little happiness in my life after such a horrible year, something to make me feel normal, to being totally lost.



He said he loved me. And i loved him. At 6pm he had an appointment with his family and a counsellor. When he gets home he texts me and the first thing he says is 'it's over'. Saying he's not going on the internet at all, and best of all, telling me not to contact him any more. And then, when i of course replied, he tells me to leave him alone.

Okay so at first he seems upset. In his first texts he says 'the counsellor has succeeded in fucking things up' and stuff about his family not letting him do 'this'. He says he would have 'fucked up both our lives by going over there'. He thought he had a fucked up head, and more crap along those lines.



But then he sends me a text later on that night, in which he seems absolutely fine with ending things. He says he has problems he needs to sort out before being in a committed relationship, and that he's confused about where his sexuality lies. And he ends with 'I'm sorry it came this far, but i am certain you will find someone who will love you dearly. Don't give up! ;-)'

FUCKING SMILEY FACE?!

He then called me and seemed so content with saying that he has issues and needs to sort them out, he won't be coming to see me, he won't be my boyfriend, and he wants me never to contact him again.

So what the fuck mate? How can you go from loving me to not loving me in only a few hours? You made me so happy and i made you happy, but now you're stabbing me in the heart. You don't seem to even care about how much you're hurting me. I'm deeply in love with you but you're telling me to stop contacting you. You won't give me the opportunity to even talk about this with you. Well, you did call me, but i couldn't even speak because i was so fucking shocked at what you said i couldn't physically talk. I just don't get it.

What i don't get is how quickly you can go from not caring what the homophobic world around you thinks and just wanting to be happy, to then wanting nothing to do with me, supposedly because of something your family/counsellor said, and then wanting nothing to do with me and coming across as being totally fine with it. You don't even want to be my friend. You want nothing to do with me. I don't get it.



I shouldn't have let myself get my hopes up. Everyone told me to be wary, but ohhhhhhhhh no, i thought the risk was worth it, because this time i would axly be seeing the person face-to-face, and i might have the chance to not be alone for the first time in my life. After all that stood in our way, he himself was the one that put an end to it.

Now i'm left with absolutely nothing to look forward to. And nothing makes me happy. I can't even play that fucking game any more because the only reason i bought it was because HE played it, and he was the best thing about it.

I'm all alone, again. It's back to the fucking crippling loneliness i've become so familiar with. I've got nothing to look forward to and no hope of ever being happy, because life just loves to fuck me over in every way possible. Even i thought life wasn't capable of fucking me up through someone i love, but you shouldn't underestimate how much of a cunt life can be.