Thursday, June 17, 2010

My Other Love.

Tweet 1, last night: He's (Bitboy) an insensitive and confusing asshole. I hate him... So why can't i stop thinking about him every minute? )':

Tweet 2, soon after: God i really need to make some changes to my life. Things can't continue like this -.-

Tweet 3, today during lunch break: There's 2 loves of my life: Bitboy and writing. There's a hole in my soul that won't stop hurting. It's time to reclaim one.

Who would have thought Twitter would help me make important life decisions? :P

Ever since my traumatic school experience, i stopped my beloved writing. I couldn't concentrate because i was just so upset all the time. Then as time progressed and things improved, i'd look back on my half-finished novel and nitpick everything that was wrong or imperfect about it. I continually demotivated myself every time i sat down and looked at the 500 pages of Word documents in front of me, and eventually stopped writing altogether.

Paraphrasing my psychologist: "Sometimes when you don't feel you can do something is when you need to do it the most".

The number one thing i'm most proud of in my life is my writing. It's kept me going in ways i can't even begin to explain. It's been gone from my life for a long time and now i need to take it back, because, frankly, i have no motivation to exist any more. I need something to hang on to, to keep me going.

A couple weeks ago i started a 'Writing Book'. The first thing i wrote in it was the last post that i made on my Words Blog. Since then i've made the first page the 'rules page'. Yes, because my freakin perfectionism kept getting in the way of what i want to do, i've axly had to set rules for the book.

eg. Don't force myself to write, no crossing out, no hesitation (write what comes into my head), nothing is off-limits, nothing needs to be finished, what i write doesn't have to resemble any form of writing (story, poem etc), it doesn't have to make sense... In other words, stop trying to be perfect.

I've heeded my rules and the next thing i decided to write was a guide to oral sex. :P It's unfinished, too, and that's not a problem. The next page is bitching about Bitboy, and then a page of nonsense words, just immediately writing down whatever came into my head - axly an exercise that Mrs OC recommended in an English class once.

What i think i'm going to do in the near future is write down everything that my novel lacks. eg. A timeline, a developing relationship, an organised plot, complex emotion, etc. Then i'm going to try writing a short story for each element, involving it in some way. If i'm going to write a novel one day, and be happy with it, i can't be learning how to write its components as i write the actual thing.

My life is empty, and meaningless right now for me. When i had Bitboy, i had purpose, i had focus, i had a future. Bitboy is gone now, and those things went with him.

I may not be able to get him back, but i'm sure as hell going to reclaim those things, through other means.

I don't have any other choice.


Lunty said...

naaaaw thats the spirit! ^__^ hope you find your motivation soon! and good luck! :P and yeah youd be surprised how helpful twitter can be XD

Wilmar said...

Writing is awesome, but don't be so strict with yourself, you know, perfection doesn't really exist...

i love the idea of the book you're writing now, kinda "laws for the freedom" btw I'll need to check that guide to oral... one day xD

Anyway, keep the motivation up, you're an awesome guy and a very good writer, just believe in you, the results will anytime.

see ya around on twitter ;) take care buddy

WkBoy714 said...

You do make me proud ^_^
Ima talk to you about this more on MSN <3

Micky said...

Very few people can write good stuff straight off, first time.

Most people have some sort of story plan because otherwise there's nothing for readers to latch onto. Same with character development. In a story most people want to get to know the lead character/s.

I think the short story is a brilliant and under-used medium and can be an end in itself. One can be much more free-ranging and use only a minimal plan to write a very good short story.

You could write one about your relationship with B, of course, if you wanted to.

cvn70 said...


Your life will never be meaningless my friend as you have already done so much for so few.

Good luck take care and be safe


Mirrorboy said...

I've done so much for so few? Umm... thanks? lol

naturgesetz said...

Good for you. It sounds paradoxical that you make yourself write because it is what you love. But I think you have the write idea.

Where I think you have the wrong idea is when you say, "i have no motivation to exist any more." It may be true, but it shouldn't be. Bitboy shouldn't be able to do that to you. You should claim your life back. Try not to dwell on the pain. It will take time, but try to make yourself look forward, and even look around. You have a supportive mother; you live in a beautiful area (even if it's a bit of a backwater); your school has at least some good teachers; at some point you'll be able to get to the big city; you'll meet tons of new people, and have opportunities both expected and unexpected. And you have a couple of beautiful cats.


Always horny gay boy said...

Bud honestly grab yourself by the nuts give them a good twist. It will jolt you back in to your world your writing is so much part of you. Ok now and again you may have to leave it aside and get on with other things but remember you have put so much work into it.
Eddie xx

Otaku said...

We all must find our own way back from the edge. You have seemingly found yours, congrats! As for the hole bitboy left? It will fill in, eventually. The bad parts will fade away. And you will be left remembering only the wonderful parts of your relationship. I call it creative memory!

My Time said...

hope you are alright :) x T

jaygeemmm said...

"I've done so much for so few? Umm... thanks? lol"

You've done so much for so few???? How about me? Even though I came in late in the timeline, you have done a LOT for me! But I am a "few".

THANK YOU!!!! You've encouraged me to come out, and I am planning on that for the next week or two (when the one person I can trust not to abandon me when I reveal my "secrets" is back in town). Then we'll see what happens.

Now do NOT think that I will place any weight on you for the outcome. I will NOT. I will not expect a 17 year old to take on my burdens. I never have.

DO NOT abandon "Universes". It is too good. Universes has been a project for a long time. I have some friends here, who started a movie idea years ago, when they were 11 or 12 years old, shooting with a VHS camcorder, and finally graduating to HD format cameras. There was a premiere, and the movie was touted as the best indie film premiered at the theatre.

So never give up. Keep writing. A Writing Book may well be an excellent way to stay "on track". But I remember all your notes and timelines you wrote out for Universes. Best selling novelists do that exact same thing.

I wish when I was struggling with life 3 years ago, my psychologist had had not much real insight and help. I gave up on him because it seemed so useless.

Reclaim your writing, Bitboy not withstanding. Writing is something you are EXCELLENT at, and something you cannot abandon. It is your outlet, your release, and your fulfillment. It is YOU.