Well.

@Landyn - No, my last post wasn't aimed directly at you, but you did address many of the issues i have around this. In fact i honestly do agree with you. Yes, i do need to stop taking on other people's problems and getting involved. But i believe that in order to do that, i can't keep my blog. For just by having having a blog with a large following and the reputation that i do, people see me as someone they can contact with their problems. I mean what do people think of when they think 'Mirrorboy'? ...I am the person many people talk to when they need to talk to someone. And if i have to go through my links to find the defunct blogs, i'll again come across people having trouble. And the blogs that i follow have times when the bloggers need support badly. I'd even have people like Steevo and Bob say things like "Well this guy's having a lot of trouble, so i said he should get in touch with you". I also get comments of people wanting me to give them advice, and lots and lots of emails... I used to be that person but i'm in a position where the strain has become too much and i can't keep doing it.

Me staying would involve me turning a blind eye whenever i see someone in trouble, and i don't feel i can do that. The guilt would get too much and i wouldn't be able to sleep at night until soon i'll end up talking to someone on msn all day, many days, trying to help them through it. And this whole circle will begin again, and every waking hour will be filled will thoughts of how someone is coping, and me feeling guilty because i'm trying to relax, instead of on msn, or writing comments, or sending emails.

If i continue my blog, i can't just put up a huge warning "Don't contact me with your problems! :@" in the sidebar. If i keep this blog, people are going to look to me for help. And i can't say no. I just can't.

There's something else my psychologist said to me, and she is always right. "Don't overestimate your importance in other people's lives. If someone wants support, they will get it. Just because you're not around doesn't mean their lives are going to take a cataclysmic turn." I'm not the first person to help people and i won't be the last. There are millions of people out there eager to lend a hand. I'm 16 and i want to look after my own life. Just trying to do that is enough for me to handle.

And no, my life is very far from perfect. Some of you may have gotten that impression from my end-of-year post, but fuck me, i was just trying to put a positive spin on a shit year. I've still got a lot of crap in my life. But it's at the stage where it's not breaking me down, because i have just enough that i can handle. Now taking on other people's problems is going to break me down again, and i'm sick of being broken down, and i'm trying to prevent it from happening.



So... I dunno if i haven't addressed anything. I know this isn't the end of the 'discussion', so i'll be posting again soon, most likely.

And btw, saying i'm just jumping ship because i have a boyfriend now, and using people's problems as an excuse - not cool. And one of the reasons why i was so pissed.



And @ Jack Lewis - gtfo

Wow.

So i'm just a selfish prick am i?

Blogworld does nothing for me any more, and i'm so goddamn drained from trying to help people that i'm of no use to anyone any more either. It seems every time i open blogger i end up depressed or angry, like i'm angry right now. So stop attacking me and my motives and tell me why i should stay.

And i will be replying to comments.

Why I'm Leaving.

Well i said i'd post my reasons for leaving blogworld, and here they are.

I've always valued other people's wellbeing over my own. I've always been quick to bend over backwards to help someone else whenever i could.

The fact is, the more problems and issues of other people that i take on, the harder it gets for me. Things that weigh other people down get shifted onto me, and then i myself find it hard to cope, because it gets me down. And it isn't always a conscious thing. Our blogworld is here for people to post the ups and downs, and let's face it, most of us come here for support. It's not hard to come across a blog with someone having a tough time. Whenever i do that, i get involved, and i end up very emotionally invested in people. I've spent many hours writing emails of support and caring, and countless hours on msn talking to people going through their tough times.

So that's why i stopped reading blogs, why i rarely check my emails, and why i don't go on msn that much. Because i'm a 16 year old boy with his own problems, and i can't be everyone's psychologist.

I've come to the conclusion that i can't go on laying myself down in the mud for people to use as a stepping stone forever. While my efforts have been fruitful and i have helped a lot of people, i can't go on. If you milk a cow forever, eventually it's going to just give up and fall over and die. I have to look after myself as number 1, and that's advice from my psychologist. She said to me something like, "The first thing they tell you when you take on psychology, is to look after yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're not in a good state yourself." And i have been overwhelmed and i have taken on too much, many times. It's the reason why i had to keep taking 'breaks' from blogworld, with them growing longer and longer and more frequent.

So my psych said it shouldn't be up to me to save everyone. But i argued, if there was something, anything i could do, to make someone's life better, shouldn't i do it? Well her answer was, if it comes at the expense of my own wellbeing, no. And why is it my responsibility in the first place? At first i thought that was brutal, but i've come to realise how much it makes sense. If someone else's life sucks, it isn't my fault. It's fine to try and help how i can, but i can't string myself out for days on end trying to make their life perfect again. There's only so much a kid in Australia can do, and it's time to realise that fixing people's biggest problems shouldn't be my biggest priority.

I've done as much as i can here, in this community. It can't go on forever, and my time here is drawing to a very close end. I have to look after me, and my own problems. I have things in my own life i should be thinking about, not pushing them to the side to deal with other people's crap.



I hope i'm making sense. It is complicated, and it is a very, very tough decision for me to leave. But i think it's what is best for me. While it may not be the best for other people out there, when you really come down to it, my coming to this community has had a largely positive impact on many other people's lives, and that's a good thing, isn't it? I've made a difference, and now it's time to move on because i can't do it any more.

Yes, i think that makes more sense.



Anyways, i'm still yet to decide to what extent i will be leaving blogworld and its community. I realise that many of you have become very invested in me, and in the same way, i've made many good friends through my blog that i care about deeply, and i by no means intend to cut them off.

So, i'm certain i'll be leaving in one sense or another, but there is still much to be decided upon. Whether i'll make infrequent posts or not to let you know how i'm doing. Or if i'll keep reading the blogs of others to catch up on their lives. I may do neither, and just stick to contacting people through msn and emails. How much of each will be a good amount? I don't know yet.

But what i do know is that things have to change, because it's sending me downhill, and i've been waiting for that uphill for so goddamn long. Now that it's finally come, i do not intend to miss my chance to grab it with both hands



I hope my mixed metaphors throughout this post haven't confused anyone even more. :I