Mirrorboy's Blog

Conclusion. :o

2010-12-27T11:58:00.001+11:00

If there's one thing i've never wanted to be it's one of those bloggers who apologises for the lack of posts, or time between posts, every time they post.

I'm sorry.

I guess the end came into sight at the beginning of this year when i took a short leave from blogworld when it became too emotionally straining to be a strong presence around here. And that's a part of why i'm wrapping up now. For a long time after i started i was fully invested in this online world of ours and it became my life. I can't give my blog and its followers the attention they deserve any more. Between posting regularly, maintaining a bazillion links, reading blogs and commenting, reading and replying to emails and talking to readers on MSN etc i just can't do it any more.

Part of it is a time thing. I have a boyfriend who i'll admit is a major part of my life, a hobby that i struggle to give attention to, a final year of school that will be more work than ever, disorders and fears that i'm still learning to cope with on my own, and a job to find next year.

The other thing is that i've outlived my usefulness. I've shared my story now. I've given you the worst and best times of my life and told you how i dealt with them. For a while during so i was there to give advice and help to people who asked or needed it.

But now i'm just here. I don't have the time or strength to be invested in anyone else's life but my own, and i have little to contribute to this community any more.

This isn't easy for me in any sense of the word. But this was a long time coming and probably very overdue. This blog meant the world to me for years and i could try to explain just how much, but that would be a humungous wall of emotional text. Anyway, the people who've shared those times with me will know for themselves. :)

So, wut do?

I'll never forget the people i've met on here. I can't express how much you've helped me and changed me to be a better and stronger person. You were there for me when i struggled and were happy for me when i was happy, given me confidence when i had none to give myself, even helped me with my homework, and i hope i was the same for you in some way. I truly consider many of you to be friends, and lifelong ones at that. But our friendships are better suited to grow elsewhere than blogworld.

I won't be disappearing from the internets. I'm on Twitter every day. You can email me at the address in my sidebar and i'll get around to reading it sometime. Or you could email my main address which is under (MSN) on my blogger profile if it's important.

I won't delete my blog. It's like a diary to me. It's my history. In fact i should probly back it up. >_> I'll probly still lurk blogworld too. Maybe you'll even see an occasional comment. :P But i'll likely just read silently, to see how things are going for the people i care about. And if you desperately miss me or just want to see how i'm going, you can go to my Twitter page. You don't need an account to read what post. (My followers even got to see a pixure of my face :P)

So, that's it.

Thank you for everything.
Oh and Merry Christmas.
Love,
Mirrorboy.

English exam.

2010-10-28T13:01:00.000+11:00

Well i just had my year 12 end-of-year English exam which counts towards half of my final mark for the year. I had 3 hours to do 3 essays. -.-

1 Text response. 1 Writing in Context piece. 1 Language Analysis.

After our 15 mins of reading time i decided to go with the Language Analysis first cos i'm pretty confident in identifying persuasive techniques in an opinion piece. :3 I managed to do a decent job of that and finished just in time.

Then i had a look at the other two sections. The Writing in Context part, where you write either an expository, persuasive or imaginative response, drawing on ideas from one of two texts to respond to the prompt, had a prompt that said 'Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong'. I was like "score!" and wrote a personal persuasive piece about being gay and all that crap. :P And finished just in time again.

Then i had to do the Text response, and that was the one i was least confident in. You have to write a response to one of two topics for one of two texts. They all looked pretty horrible but i chose "'When confronted with the mortality of others, the characters in Look Both Ways learn a great deal about themselves.' Discuss." I didn't do as well with that one and wrote a pretty bland and confused expository response that was kind of related to the topic. I was writing the last sentence of my conclusion when we were told to stop, and i wasn't able to finish it, so that bugged me. :/ But it's kay. :P

The main thing i focused on was just getting over my perfectionism and writing words down onto the page. That wasn't too much of an issue for the first two cos i was quite confident in what i was writing, but i hated the tripe i was serving up for the text response so it was a struggle to keep wading through it.

Anyway i did the best i could for the hardest work i've ever done. I'm happy with that. The multiple choice Maths exam is on Monday, and the written response Maths exam is on Thursday, but English was the one i was most concerned about.

:3

More Endings.

2010-10-21T17:10:00.000+11:00

Well, surprisingly, today was my last psychologist appointment, and likely the last time i'll see her. She gave me a folder of worksheets and resources that i've used in the past, and the closure documentation is in the mail. And that's that.

It came as a shock to me as i didn't expect today to be the last day, but i guess it makes sense as i didn't really have much to talk about any more, and the stuff that i did, was all positive. The fact that it was such a shock could contribute to me not being too upset or worried, but i think i'll genuinely be okay on my own. And if i'm not, there's plan Bs and Cs.

Reece went home six days ago. Things are harder than i anticipated they would be without him. Having him here made even the most boring of things fun and enjoyable. Every day was awesome with him here, and now they're just... alright.

We're hoping to have him come back sometime around Christmas, and then i'll visit him sometime next year, assuming we're still together. :P

And school. I've been doing mad revision for Maths and English the past few weeks. It's been test exams and revision every day. The end-of-year, end-of-school final exams are only a week away now, the most important ones i've ever done, so things are pretty intense at school.

Before you get excited tho, let me remind you that i'm doing year 11 and 12 of school at the same time, over 2 years, as i'm year 11 age but advanced at doing Maths and English, so i'm doing the year 12 subjects of those. So this won't be my final year of school. I'll be back next year to do a few more year 12s.

But things are good. Mostly good. :)

My Blog Turns 2.

2010-10-03T15:39:00.000+11:00

Well it axly had its second birthday a couple weeks ago but i didn't notice. :P

I know i haven't been posting much as of late. Sorry to say things aren't going to change, because it's intentional.

I've told my story now. It was one of overcoming troubles, learning and growing as a person.

I made this blog for me in the beginning. I was alone and felt like a freak in this conservative city of mine. I knew no like-minded people, no one who understood what it was like to like people of the same sex. I had no one i could talk to. So i was reached out to the internet in the hopes of finding people who understood what it was like to be gay. I did, and it was an incredible and invaluable experience, and now the fact that i'm gay doesn't have the tiniest impact on my day to day life, when it used to be a major issue. It's thanks to the people i've met online and for that i'm eternally grateful and thankful for having met you. That's the best thing about my blog for me.

But slowly Mirrorboy became less about me and more about helping others. I grew to be obsessed with helping people in the same sort of situation and that snowballed until i was eager to help anyone with any troubles any time, no matter how simple or intense.

I met more people. I got to know people more deeply. Everyone has shit in their lives, and i got caught up in everyone else's intentionally. Like i said, i got obsessed with helping, and soon my every thought was about my numerous online friends and how i could help them. I'd be freaking out some days about the issues my friends had. I'd even talk to my own psychologist about how i could better help my friends sort through their struggles.

I imploded. It got to be too much and i had to step back. I had enough on my own plate to deal with, and whenever i came back to blogworld i was faced with a loaded buffet of others' troubles. I would try and often fail to help people and it would hurt me hard. I know it was of my own doing, but perhaps i'd lost sight of reality and who i was. I couldn't fix the world, as much as i would try. I am after all, just a boy.

That's why i had to temporarily leave. To put things into perspective and come back knowing how much i could handle, and what i could not.

So things haven't been the same since i came back. For that i'm sorry. As much as i wish i could, i'm not able to help everyone with everything, and i've failed to live up to some people's expectations because of that, and sometimes my own.

I've told my story while getting caught up in others. I don't regret a moment of it. I grew as a person and i've made many friends i'll keep forever. I'm sure i've helped some people along the way. That's never a bad thing.

But i'm sitting in the back seat now. I'll watch over who i can. I'll read, often silently. I'll leave comments sometimes. I'll post occasionally to let you know how i am, but this is mostly for the friends i've made, not for an audience of anonymous people.

Mirrorboy has found his place in blogworld.

And Mirrorboy has found his place in me.

It's the back seat.

Huzzah. :3

2010-09-22T11:30:00.000+10:00

So he's here and everything is good. :P We get along really well and do fun stuffs together. Dunno what else to say really. :P

He's really tall. O: I'm 170 cms and he's 190 cms. So if we wanna hug i can't put my head on his shoulder. :P

And he's skinny as hell. o_o I need to fatten him up. :3

And he's cute and sexy. :P

Dunno what else to say. Things are good. ^_^ If there's somethin you wanna know leave a comment and i'll answer it in the comments section. :P

<3

Beginnings and Endings.

2010-09-19T22:22:00.000+10:00

Well, school is done for the term. I'm on my 2 week break now. ^_^ However once the next term starts (because it's year 12) i'll be doing insane revision and solid prep for the end-of-year uber-important exams. o_o

In other news, when i saw my psychologist the other day she told me that she thinks it might be time for me to stop going to see her. I've learnt a lot of skills and gained a lot of knowledge about how i work so it might be time for me to try and make it on my own.

I've gotta admit, the idea kind of freaks me out. As long as i've had her, no problem has ever been unsolvable. Nothing has been off limits and I could talk to her about things that to anyone else in my life would sound insane. She's helped me infinitely in so many areas of my life that i'd struggled with sometimes for such a long time, to such a degree that i couldn't even begin to explain.

...I think i'll be okay.

I hope so.

On a happier note, things are going swell with Reece and I. He gets here tomorrow at 4:30. I'm nervous as heck and stressed as hell.

But also excited. ^_^

The Other Side.

2010-08-25T12:31:00.000+10:00

For anyone who took an interest in my previous post, or is familiar with Kakistos (aka my current online bf) and his old blog, i strongly suggest you follow this link to his new blog, Falling Awake. :3

Specifically relating to our relationship is this post. Dare i say, he presents a more eloquent and meaningful interpretation of our relationship than me :S, and it gives you a bit of history about him and a bit of insight into who he is.

I think he addresses a lot of what may be your concerns, and expresses his motivations, and also shows his maturity, so's there's not much else i can do than strongly urge you to go read. ;)

News. O:

2010-08-22T12:47:00.001+10:00

I have a boyfriend! :P

We found each other on twitter first, and tweeted back and forth for a few days. We started speaking on MSN and ended up speaking for the entire day. I got his mobile number and we've been constantly texting all day since then as well. We've started playing WoW together too.

We just really clicked. We found out we had so many things in common and that we really enjoy being together (even if it is online). We didn't make a conscious decision to be boyfriends; it just happened. Like i told my psychologist, as we got to know each other, our relationship just naturally progressed down the boyfriend path. To use a very tired expression, it was like we already knew each other. :3

Here's his twitter if you're interested. (Used with permission) :P

We have just about everything in common that we could possibly think of. He's much more mature than my ex and treats me a whole lot better too. He's smart, he's sensitive to how i feel, he's honest and selfless... Okay i won't blab on about that stuff. :P

I told my Mum and she didn't take it very well. In our usual sort of argument she yelled over the top of me and wouldn't let me express myself until she'd blasted her opinions into my face so much that i left the room. (This happened inside a takeaway restaurant while waiting for food...) She thinks he's going to hurt me the same way Bitchboy did and says i haven't learnt my lesson.

Of course if there's anything i've done from that it's learn. I can't be hopelessly devoted to someone and wrap all hopes of my future up in our relationship. I can't let someone be mean to me just because they cuddle me at night. I can't rely on someone to always be there to make me feel good, because they just might leave.

And my psychologist agrees with me. She suggested that i write a letter to my mother telling her how i feel as talking to her isn't an effective way to communicate. :3 And i will, and i expect it to work because i know i'm right.

Anyways, the plan for now is to have him come down to visit me in a month's time, because that's when my 2-week school break starts. Should be good. ^_^

Still Here. :P

2010-08-06T11:35:00.000+10:00

It's only been a couple weeks but i figured i should post an update. Hopefully people still axly read this thing. >_> lol

I've started a new kind of treatment with my psychologist called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It's about mindfulness and accepting the shit in your life and the things that you have trouble with, and rather than struggling with it and trying to fix it, you accept it and let it wash over you without fighting it and get on with what's important to you.

From Wikipedia (So it must be true :P)...

"As a simple way to summarize the model, ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the acronym, FEAR:

Fusion with your thoughts
Evaluation of experience
Avoidance of your experience
Reason giving for your behaviour

And the healthy alternative is to ACT:

Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

"ACT commonly employs six core principles to help clients develop psychological flexibility:

Cognitive defusion: Learning to perceive thoughts, images, emotions, and memories as what they are, not what they appear to be.
Acceptance: Allowing them to come and go without struggling with them.
Contact with the present moment: Awareness of the here and now, experienced with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
Observing the self: Accessing a transcendent sense of self, a continuity of consciousness which is unchanging.
Values: Discovering what is most important to one's true self.
Committed action: Setting goals according to values and carrying them out responsibly."

If you're aware of your thoughts, you can't be your thoughts.

Obviously there's a lot more involved than what i wrote but that's the main aspect. :P

I like it a lot so far. One thing it has helped me with a lot is my writing. Writing is the thing i value most in my life right now, and i'd barely been writing much at all for a long period of time. It's helped me to get over my perfectionism and just get stuff down on a page. So that's awesome. :3 And of course it's helping with the anxiety too. We've tried a lot of different techniques in the past and this is the one that i think most fits with me.

A'ight well that's one aspect of my life caught up on. I might post about my writing in the next couple of days if anyone cares. :P

And i've got other stuff to post about too so see you soon. (:

Don't forget you can follow me on Twitter now. :3

<3

Recommended Linx!

2010-07-16T00:36:00.002+10:00

I wanna really suggest this song. Not only do i really like the sound, but i adore the lyrics and to me they have a very personal meaning. That's what makes certain songs stand out and be memorable to us. It's almost as if they're speaking, or singing, to us. Anyways, i love it so check it out if you feel like it.

Or if you live in the US, try this link.

And if you want to see the lyrics you can click here.

While i'm plugging Youtube Vids, one of my online friends has been making an online series and posting the episodes on Youtube. So if you want to see something funny by some amateur filmmakers then you should click this link and watch the "Population 94,000" videos. It does contain coarse language, shoddy fight scenes and gay stereotypes so don't click if you're overly sensitive. :P

And btw, my friend is the sexy black one. (; So you might wanna watch just for that. :P

And finally a blog. Louie is 19 and a creative writer like me, but rather than writing stories in a novel form, he wants to make movies. We have a lot in common, even in what we write and he's a genuinely nice guy. He used to have a blog and had to delete it, but has now returned so it would be good if you could all go welcome him back and say hi, and you might like what you read. :3

A'ight, time to listen to the song for a seventh time then get to bed. (:

Update.

2010-07-11T21:36:00.001+10:00

Haven't posted in a while, so here i am. :)

Back to school tomorrow after my 2-week break. :/ I had to put up with majorly slow internet for the entire break cos we'd reached our cap, and it only reset today - the last day of the holiday. Stupidness. :/

Had a friend's birthday sleepover on Friday/Saturday. It was nice to see my friends again and have fun and feel less like Mirrorboy, and more like me.

Don't think about Bitboy much at all any more. Breaking up with me is his loss. Gotta feel bad for him though. He'll most likely never find a fulfilling relationship and will never do better than me. Meanwhile, i deserve better than someone so self-absorbed and hurtful. And that's the end of it.

Mum is doing good. As is my Grandma, and my cats. And i'm still working on my story. (:

A'ight. Can't think of much else so leave a comment if there's anything you wanna know. :3

Foar Warwy.

2010-07-07T19:50:00.000+10:00

It's Wkboy's Blog's birthday and i just wanna make a post for the occasion, saying that you are one of my bestest friends. We have so much in common and so many similar interests and i'm really glad we know each other. You're one if the sweetest and most kind boys i've ever known in my life and it always makes me happy when you come online. (:

And you're amazingly sexy. o___o

Happy birfday... to your blog. :P

If you wanna share the love go visit his bday post.

<33333333

It's Over.

2010-07-01T17:08:00.001+10:00

If you haven't been following me on Twitter this is the story.

I got sick of being ignored, feeling like Bitboy didn't care about me at all, and being on the absolute bottom of his priorities list, when he was supposed to be my friend, so i blocked him on msn. Bitboy got pissed off and sent me an abusive text.

I called him the next day and we spoke about it and we both said that we'd been feeling hurt by what had happened. We agreed that we needed to sort things out so that we could remain friends. The last thing he said before he had to go was that i should unblock him on MSN, presumably so we could talk.

2 days later with no contact and i text him. He doesn't reply. The next day (today) i call him and get his answering service. I say that we need to talk so that we can sort out what happened and move on. No reply. I sign on to MSN later and a mutual friend tells me that Bitboy has blocked me on both MSN and his phone because he wants no more contact with me.

It confuses me. He always told me he wanted to remain friends. He said he would always love me. He used to say i was the best thing in his life. He said we were soulmates.

We had a misunderstanding. I tried to fix things but he won't let me.

It doesn't add up.

And now it's over.

Who wants to contribute to a future best-seller? :D

2010-06-26T23:54:00.000+10:00

In the process of reworking my story, Universes, i've began cutting everything unnecessary or unwanted. I've already cut an entire race because they played no real importance to the plot, and now i want to cut another - the Thoughtians - because they're just too complicated and hard to write for. However the Thoughts World still played an important part in the story - a part that i still think is necessary. So now i need a new race, and that's where i could use some suggestions.

The alliance of races are fighting against the evil Shadows. Each race has a unique 'power' that they harness to help in the fight. So what i have now are the...

Heatians who use fire powers
Waterians with water powers
Healthians who can heal and drain life
Speedians gifted with super-speed
Stonians capable of telekinesis
Airians able to fly
Sightians are the ones i cut before Thoughtians thanks to their lame invisibility powers
Thoughtians had mind control - ridiculously hard to write into battles

(I'm aware of how lame the names sound. I'm working on them too.)

So i'm looking for one or possibly more new races and could use any suggestions you could offer up. Please comment any ideas you get because i'm all out, and i need help. Just remember that they need to be useful to a battle scenario.

Please and thanks.
<3

My Other Love.

2010-06-17T17:58:00.001+10:00

Tweet 1, last night: He's (Bitboy) an insensitive and confusing asshole. I hate him... So why can't i stop thinking about him every minute? )':

Tweet 2, soon after: God i really need to make some changes to my life. Things can't continue like this -.-

Tweet 3, today during lunch break: There's 2 loves of my life: Bitboy and writing. There's a hole in my soul that won't stop hurting. It's time to reclaim one.

Who would have thought Twitter would help me make important life decisions? :P

Ever since my traumatic school experience, i stopped my beloved writing. I couldn't concentrate because i was just so upset all the time. Then as time progressed and things improved, i'd look back on my half-finished novel and nitpick everything that was wrong or imperfect about it. I continually demotivated myself every time i sat down and looked at the 500 pages of Word documents in front of me, and eventually stopped writing altogether.

Paraphrasing my psychologist: "Sometimes when you don't feel you can do something is when you need to do it the most".

The number one thing i'm most proud of in my life is my writing. It's kept me going in ways i can't even begin to explain. It's been gone from my life for a long time and now i need to take it back, because, frankly, i have no motivation to exist any more. I need something to hang on to, to keep me going.

A couple weeks ago i started a 'Writing Book'. The first thing i wrote in it was the last post that i made on my Words Blog. Since then i've made the first page the 'rules page'. Yes, because my freakin perfectionism kept getting in the way of what i want to do, i've axly had to set rules for the book.

eg. Don't force myself to write, no crossing out, no hesitation (write what comes into my head), nothing is off-limits, nothing needs to be finished, what i write doesn't have to resemble any form of writing (story, poem etc), it doesn't have to make sense... In other words, stop trying to be perfect.

I've heeded my rules and the next thing i decided to write was a guide to oral sex. :P It's unfinished, too, and that's not a problem. The next page is bitching about Bitboy, and then a page of nonsense words, just immediately writing down whatever came into my head - axly an exercise that Mrs OC recommended in an English class once.

What i think i'm going to do in the near future is write down everything that my novel lacks. eg. A timeline, a developing relationship, an organised plot, complex emotion, etc. Then i'm going to try writing a short story for each element, involving it in some way. If i'm going to write a novel one day, and be happy with it, i can't be learning how to write its components as i write the actual thing.

My life is empty, and meaningless right now for me. When i had Bitboy, i had purpose, i had focus, i had a future. Bitboy is gone now, and those things went with him.

I may not be able to get him back, but i'm sure as hell going to reclaim those things, through other means.

I don't have any other choice.

Pshhh. FINE.

2010-06-15T19:33:00.001+10:00

twitter.com/mirrorboyyy

Thank Jake Anon for talking me into it. :P

Now how the hell does this work? o_O

I Told My Teacher.

2010-06-12T10:52:00.000+10:00

Remember that personal and special post i made a few days ago on my Words Blog? (You won't if you aren't one of the 8 people who actually read it.) Well, the day after i wrote the original, i handed it right in to my English teacher at school. He always wanted us to write at least one piece of writing a week and hand it in (but soon abandoned that goal after he got nothing every week). I handed it to him and got a pleasantly surprised smile, but wanted to get the hell out of there before he started reading. :P

When i received my piece back later in the day, it had his reply attached to the back.

"Mirrorboy,
Thank you for sharing this part of your experience with me. Falling in love one of the greatest privileges of being human. The cruellest aspect of this is when the other, the loved one, is fickle or less committed than we are. At the time of rejection we feel completely devastated. It is possible to believe that we might not be able to recover our composure, or our ability to love wholeheartedly again. Fortunately, it has been my experience that the human spirit is capable of coming back from adversity that at the time seems insurmountable.

I watched one of my favourite films, again, on Saturday night. In it, the central character is subjected by circumstances to extremely cruel treatment. Despite the worst that the world can ditch up, he fights back to establish his right to freedom. The movie is called "Cool Hand Luke" and stars the late Paul Newman in the title role.

Be reassured that you will recover from your bitter disappointment, provided you do not spend too much time feeling sorry for yourself. May you enter your next relationship a bit less vulnerable than you were in this instance. You will find love again.

Best wishes,
Mr. English Teacher"

At this stage i'd completely forgotten that it was a gay story. I think that says something in itself. For all the worst aspects of people and their opinions i've experienced, whenever i've 'opened up' to someone with authority and responsibility, the response has been, not so much good, as neutral. That's what we really want, after all, isn't it? We don't want a pedestal but we still want a seat.

I believe the sane people of the world accept us, and sanity ultimately, always, prevails.

Words Returns!

2010-06-08T12:30:00.003+10:00

My hand was itching in the early hours of the morning; the kind of itching that makes you reach for a pen and piece of paper.

I usually write total fantasy - as far away from normal and real life as possible, because as i've always said, i write about things i understand, and i don't understand life.

But this night i did something i hadn't done in a long time. A very long time. I wrote about my life.

I know what you're thinking: "But wtf Mirrorboy? You have a blog, and all you do is blab about your life! You're lying! WHY ARE YOU LYING!? YOU MAD?"

There's writing, like what i do on here, and then there's my writing. My writing has structure. It has purpose. It has 'me' in it. And it's special to me.

I remember very few of my posts on here, and those i do remember are not in my memory for their literary value to me.

Therefore Mirrorboy's blog is for my writing, and i have resurrected Mirrorboy's Word's for my writing! Simple. :P

Fun fact: It was one year to the day, on June the 2nd, that my last Words post was made. O:

Just in case you aren't a long term reader, i originally started Words for the purpose of posting excerpts from the long story i was writing, Universes, and getting feedback.

Now, it's time to go read my first non-Universes Words post! :P

It's about my heart.

Joined Twitter! O: O:

2010-06-07T16:43:00.001+10:00

Yes, Jake Anon, the blogger, has quit his blog, for like, the third time, and joined Twitter. And you should all go follow him because he is awesome, hilarious and attractive!

twitter.com/jakeanon

Now please return my cats, Jake.

Answers. :P

2010-06-03T19:05:00.000+10:00

Thanks for contributing everyone. ^_^

I've tried to group up questions on similar major topics, but other than that, there's not really any order to my answers.

(Planetx/Aek) How is your mom? How are the cats?
My Mum has met someone online and i think she's falling/fallen for him. He's just about the only thing she talks about. He lives in Melbourne, and they've already met up in real life and they got on pretty well. My Mum is the sort of person who got hurt a lot in her younger years and has therefore shut herself off from opening up in the later years. I'm hoping this works out, because if it doesn't, i don't think that shield will ever come down again.
The cats are fine. :P

(ST) Could you please post some more pics of your cats?
Sure lol.

(Seth) When you sit back and look at your place in the world, what do you think about?
Wanting to be somewhere else. Wanting to do something else. Wanting to be something different.

(Planetx) What is the one thing that you would change about yourself physically? What is the one thing that you would change about yourself non-physically?
Lose a bit of weight i guess. (just a bit :P) The things that i want to change mentally are things i'm already working on, and they're all related to my anxiety disorder.

(Tommy) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
For now, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

(Kevin W) What size shoes do you wear? (Jeremy) How long is your hair? o: (Anonymouses) Why do you like veggiemite? :( Why don't you want to post about pancakes!?
US 9, UK 8 1/2. If i pull my fringe down it touches my nose. :P Cos it's awesome. Cos they're not awesome.

(Aek) What's your favorite breakfast food?
Vegemite toast. nom

(Spastic) If the writing thing doesn't work out and you have to resort to porn, what would your porn star name be?
Oscar Jukes.

(Peter) When are you going to join the rest of the cool bloggers who are on Twitter? :P
When they join World of Warcraft, the definition of cool. d(^-^d)

(Aek) What're the top 5 countries you'd want to visit before you're 40?
USA and UK. I suppose if i had the money and time and opportunity to do so, maybe Japan and Italy and France.

(AJ) What is the one thing you want to do in life? (Daily Dan) What is the number one thing u feel like u need to do before u die? Will u marry me?
Have a partner.
I'd say yes even to just your hair. A cute guy attached is just an added bonus. :P

(Wkboy) How infinitely much do you love me? :P
Infinitely^(infinity).

(Anonymouses) What do you look for in a guy? Can you describe your ideal boyfriend?
Someone who makes me feel safe, comfortable, loved and accepted in every way.

(Anonymous) Have you spoken to Bitboy since you broke up? And do you think you'll stay friends?
Yes, occasionally. We've spoken on the phone twice and we exchange a couple of texts every few days. It used to be more often, but i got sick of always being the initiator. Probably, though it will be tough if he continues making little effort.

(Planetx) What is the best thing to come of the "Bitboy situation"?
Knowing that i am capable of being loved and being in a relationship, along with the intense happiness and pleasure i felt while he was here.
What is the worst?
My broken heart.

(Daniel) In your posts from way back you were saying that you were unlovable. Now, after your relationship with Bitboy, do you feel the same? Also do you think that having a relationship has "cured" your anxieties or do you still feel the need to go to a shrink?
See above. While having a boyfriend around definitely gave me a self-confidence boost, it certainly wasn't a fix-all solution. My anxieties were only pushed to the back of my mind, not out. Having said that, i do feel a lot better about my body now, and am a lot less preoccupied with my perceived imperfections.

(Planetx) For you, how important was the physical aspect vs the emotional aspect of your relationship?
Sex and love? Both were important, but they became the same. My love was intensified by my sexual attraction for him and the experiences we shared, and i've since discovered that i cannot have sex without that emotional aspect. But that's a whole other story. The love came first in our relationship and that was always the overwhelming factor, for me anyway.

(Anonymous) Top or bottom? ;) (Planetx) Did you pitch or catch or switch-hit? :P
I'm quite happy catching and have no plans on pitching any time soon.

(Planetx) How was your "first time"? Second time? Did it get better or worse over time?
He uhh, had trouble hitting the target. I fumbled the ball. I eventually got so tired i passed out. No one reached home base that night.
Second time was much better. We had a gameplan. Both teams scored.

Which did you enjoy more: giving or receiving oral?
Giving. What can i say. I love cock. :P And there's nothing i love more in the bedroom than pleasuring my top and making him moan with his head back...
Yeah didn't bother with the innuendo there. lol

Do you swallow?
I always had tissues next to me.

Bleugh.

(Anonymous) How did you become so popular?
That's a difficult question not to sound arrogant in. :P
There's no real proof that i'm popular. The large majority of my blog commenters know me personally online and talk to me regularly. Perhaps my views can be explained by others' attraction to perceived popularity. "Oh, this Mirrorboy gets lots of comments. Something good must be goin on here. Better have a look." You know. lol
Might be because i'm a good writer and people find it easy to engage with my posts.
Could be because i've blogged through a very tough and emotional year of my life and my readers were able to follow me on my journey.
Or perhaps it's because i've devoted my time and energy to helping others in every way possible and went to large efforts to actually bring this online community together and connect everyone...
Perhaps that's a question better answered by my readers. :P

(Kevin W) Is there someone new in your life after Bitboy? Are you less trusting of people you talk to online now?
No and double no. I met Bitboy and he was better than i ever expected him to be. That's not gonna make me less trusting. :P

(Planetx) How is your outlook on life different now than it was 11 months ago?
It's a lot more positive.
What are you doing in school right now?
Right now i'm sick with a cold. But when i'm not there's a lot of work.
How is your gay youth group going?
Haven't been in a while because i've had a lot on my mind. After a long Monday i just want to go home, not to the group, but i'll probly start going again soon.

(J) How's your diet? How's your mood? (Planetx) How are you doing, really?
My diet is pretty horrible. I'm not eating as much as i should be. I just find it hard to get motivated to cook for reasons related to my mood... which is pretty low most of the time. When i think about how much i miss Bitboy, which is a lot of the time, i get really sad, because i've lost what was probably the best thing in my life and can't get it back. What makes me feel worse is when he doesn't show that he cares about me. Or when i feel that he's getting on with his life fine while i'm still struggling. Anyways i'll be kay.

(Planetx) What do you hope to have accomplished in the next year? The next five years?
This year the one thing i've got to focus on is my school. My other goals are those of self-development. Within the next 5 years, i'll most likely have moved to Melbourne, and as long as that happens i'll be happy.
How is your story going? Will you ever post another 'Mboys words'?
Universes is unfinished and will probably remain that way for a long time. I need to improve my writing skills before embarking on another huge project like that if i'm ever going to be satisfied with the end result.
I wrote a short story about a personal experience last week and have been considering posting it on my writing blog, but i need to really think it through before i do that.

(Bianca) How often a day do you masturbate?
Bout twice. >_>

(Spastic) Favorite wank fantasy?
Anything where one boy is dominant of the other. O:

(Kyle) Hair: pits, chest and pubes; shaven, trimmed, or the wild thing?
I'll answer what i prefer on other people. :P
Pits, i don't care cos i don't spend any time there. Chest, well, i've never had an encounter with a hairy-chested boy my age so it doesn't really matter. :P Pubes, i prefer anything non-wild. lol
And all of those apply to what i prefer on myself anyway. (:
Glad you didn't ask about hair on heads. Don't wanna get me started on that. lol

(Aek) Describe yourself in 5 words?
Caring, self-conscious, thoughtful, bruised, resilient.
What're your top favorite video games?
Kirby Crystal Shards (N64), Paper Mario (N64), Paper Mario:TTYD (Gamecube). NOT Super Paper Mario. Eww. Uhh Super Smash Bros (Wii) and WoW. :P
If you could be any cartoon/video game hero, who would you be and why?
No one is cuter than Kirby. ^_^

(Spastic) Biggest failure? Biggest regret? Greatest accomplishment?
I can't think of a time i've epically failed. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but i wouldn't call them failures. Idk i can't think of anything. :P
I regret being so hard on myself.
My greatest accomplishment is overcoming the shit in my life to still be here today.

Bob's questions deserve their own category. :P

(Bob) 1. What is the biggest difference in you or how you see the world since that little scared 15 year old ventured into blogland and why?
2. At one time you had a teacher i believed named Ms. O, who you came to trust and admire, have you found another adult like her you can trust and lean on?
3. I know you are a keen cricket player :p. what is the guy who throws the ball towards the wickets called and what is the guy who catches the ball near the wickets called? (bet u wont answer this lol)
4. What are Australia's chances in the world cup and will you watch any of it?
5. For a while you were having some strange dreams. Have they gone away and can u describe a particular strange one?
6. As a person who lives by the coast what do you think of this huge oil spill in the gulf, should companies be allowed to even drill? and could you describe how such an oil spill would effect your town and life? ( i know it sounds like an essay question so like in one or two sentence is all)
7. How is your writing going or have you had time for it?
8. If you could like more like any other person in the world who would it be and why?
9. Is justin Beiber on your ipod? if so what song?
10. Music wise what singer or group do you believe is most aligned or seen as accepting and approved by the gay community?
11. What if any protests or events have u participated in with your youth group?
12. If you could live anywhere after graduating from school where would that be and why there?
13. Are you still baking?
14. I'll put this question in my own words cos it was long. :P
Now that you have experienced sex, are you happy you took the opportunity to do so or do you have any regrets? Do you think boys should wait until they are older or go for it when they want to (i'm guessing in their teens).
15. ok my pervy one lol are you still wanking every day?

1. I don't feel so alone now.
2. No, i haven't. People like her are rare and don't come along often.
3. I don't know. lol
4. I don't know. Absolutely not.
5. They haven't gone away. Last night i dreamt i was back at my old school in a class taught by none other than Mrs OC. :P I shot a girl with something like a blowpipe and Mrs OC got really angry. I was disappointed in myself and couldn't focus on my writing afterwards which was bad because it was a test. ):
6. I really don't know. I don't even know what the oil is for. No oil ships out here either. :P
7. Writing is hard when i have a murky mind.
8. Anyone outgoing.
9. No.
10. Umm Kylie Minogue? lol
11. Just that gay march i blogged about. :P
12. Melbourne, cos it's awesome.
13. Nope.
14. That's complicated. I've experienced loving sex and loveless sex and the second is something i have zero interest in repeating. I can't really give a generalised answer. It's up to an individual to decide if they wanna have sex or not, who with and at what age. The only thing i can advise is that you wait until you have found someone you care about and who cares about you, because that makes it a million times more enjoyable, and of course it's safer, and less, umm, emotionally damaging. At least for me anyways.
15. Yes, yes i am.

Too much thinking. My head hurts. I need to go watch tv and dumb down. =/

Ask Me Anythings!

2010-05-29T11:38:00.001+10:00

Last time i did this was 11 months ago and since then a lot has happened in my life, and of course, i've gained a lot of new readers since then, who maybe don't wanna spend days reading to catch up on my awesome adventures. :P I also don't include every detail in my infrequent posts, omitting what some of you may, and i do, believe to be the juiciest parts. :P

So here's your chance to ask me anything. Anything! Nothing is off limits! :O

Of course, that doesn't mean i'll answer everything. But i'll be sure to provide some sort of witty response in that case. :D

Comment moderation won't be turned on for this post. So you'll be able to see what has already been asked, and if you're lucky, see some spam/abuse! ^_^

I'll post answers in a few days.

<3

happy birthdayyy to me

2010-05-21T21:50:00.000+10:00

(bday is tomorrow but i got my presents early :P) i got monster hunter 3 for the wii, dawn of war 2 for pc (tho i'll probly keep playing 1) and a nintendo wi-fi USB connector which means my wii can connect to the internet! i'm blogging from my wii right now :D ...altho typing is utterly terrible so this wont happen much :P it's like typing with a broom >_>

It's Over.

2010-05-05T15:20:00.000+10:00

He broke up with me while we were lying in bed, the night before he was due to head back home. He left 4 hours ago to catch the train and i doubt i'll see him again.

He thinks he would be happier with a girl.

Gross Alien Sex.

2010-04-30T23:30:00.000+10:00

So cos our city's movie theatre burnt down many a month ago, and Avatar just came out on DVD, i just got to watch it for the first time with Bitboy. ^_^

Fuck those damn humans!! :@

Bitboy! :D

2010-04-13T11:20:00.000+10:00

Today he's coming back to stay with me for three weeks. :D

It's hard to believe it's axly been 4 long, painful months of aching to be with him again and not being able to. 4 months where i couldn't touch, hold, kiss and hug him. I'll admit that when i waved goodbye to him 4 months ago, i wasn't sure i'd ever see him again. I knew it was gonna be tough, really tough. And it was. It's quite hard to have a relationship over msn and texts. o_o And let's not forget he had a demanding college schedule, and a family that loathe the fact he likes boys and have tried multiple times to cut me off from him.

But i'm not complaining. We made it through those 4 months and now i can't wait for him to get here sometime this evening. (:

Happy Chocolate Day!

2010-04-04T10:53:00.001+10:00

nomnomnom

:P

2010-03-25T16:55:00.000+11:00

BITBOY POSTED.

Shameless plug. <3

Oh Hai There.

2010-03-16T20:07:00.001+11:00

Yes, hai. :P

I originally started this post at school, between classes, but then my class started. lol. So anyways, here i am at home finishing it. ^_^

I wanna apologize for not being around as much as i would like to have been. D: I know i said i wanted to be on msn more, and reply to emails quicker. Frankly, i've just been overwhelmed with school stress and homework. I'm not tryin to make excuses, but i am a 16yo doing schoolwork that 18yo's typically do. lol. I have (really, really freakin boring) books to read for English, The Catcher in the Rye for one. *barf* I had a speech to do on alternative energy the other day, boring as hell again. The Maths class i'm doing is going at lightspeed. I'm just rapidly churning out sheet after sheet of work, pages full of formulas and numbers and graphs and crap. Then there's the multiple projects i have to juggle for my other classes like Psychology and Outdoor Studies.

Anyways, not trying to make excuses... :P

I only had a look at my public email address inbox, for the first time in months, a few minutes ago. I have over 40 emails that need reading and replying to. -_- And i was expecting something like that, and that's why i've been putting it off. :P

Anyways, i have 2-week school holidays in a couple of weeks, so i'll try to get over that clog of emails in the next few weeks. I'll try to get msn more too. And by 'more', i mean more often than not at all. ^_^

SO, how is everyone? O: How's blogworld? Hopefully things haven't fallen apart without me. :P

In my own life, there's lots of school and that's about it.

Bitboy was supposed to come see me in early March, but his exams were rescheduled and rescheduled, so now he's booked a flight for April 12. I know i'm lucky to have a boyfriend and all, but man this is freakin hard. )': You want something so much but can't have it. D: And when Bboy sends me naughty things it's like going 'well here's your cake, BUT YOU CAN'T EAT IT'. lol.

And boy is it a yummy-looking (huge) cake. O_O lol :P

In other news, Bitboy quit WoW to focus on studying, which was 95% of our contact, so that majorly sucks. T_T

Anyways if you have any questions feel free to comment, but at least make it interesting. No boring-ass questions about how school is going and what my subjects are like and all that. :P

<3

Marchin in a Gay Pride Parade.

2010-02-07T22:47:00.000+11:00

Title says it all. :P Figured i'd make the post cos it involves a topic that many of you may be interested in. (;

So there was a state gay pride parade in Melbourne today. Me and my gay youth group went up there, and with our banner, participated in the march, under the boiling hot sun. @_@

There had to have been thousands of people there to watch or take part in the parade. And boy, there were all types under the sun up there in Melbourne, under the hot sun.

For a 'small-town boy' like myself it was quite surreal. Every stereotypical queer and queer-related person you could imagine was in eyesight at all times. I'm talking about tall drag queens in bright, flashy outfits, short-haired dykes and their bulky motorbikes, old guys in leather (and tight, bottomless pants x_x), slender tanned twinks in only tight shiny underwear, enthusiastic mothers clad in all the colours of the rainbow, and emo boys in black tops and low-rising jeans with, if i may say so myself, very nommable hair.

It was the largest collection of eye-candy and eye-sores i've ever witnessed. I've never seen so many cute boys in the same place before. And the funniest thing is, most of em like cock. :P It was so... strange to see so many openly gay/bi people in the one spot, or even openly gay people at all, for me.

It was the longest day i've had in ages, and it was the first experience of its kind for me, and quite an eye-opening one at that.

And i acquired a raging sunburn to remember.

Well.

2010-01-06T10:46:00.000+11:00

@Landyn - No, my last post wasn't aimed directly at you, but you did address many of the issues i have around this. In fact i honestly do agree with you. Yes, i do need to stop taking on other people's problems and getting involved. But i believe that in order to do that, i can't keep my blog. For just by having having a blog with a large following and the reputation that i do, people see me as someone they can contact with their problems. I mean what do people think of when they think 'Mirrorboy'? ...I am the person many people talk to when they need to talk to someone. And if i have to go through my links to find the defunct blogs, i'll again come across people having trouble. And the blogs that i follow have times when the bloggers need support badly. I'd even have people like Steevo and Bob say things like "Well this guy's having a lot of trouble, so i said he should get in touch with you". I also get comments of people wanting me to give them advice, and lots and lots of emails... I used to be that person but i'm in a position where the strain has become too much and i can't keep doing it.

Me staying would involve me turning a blind eye whenever i see someone in trouble, and i don't feel i can do that. The guilt would get too much and i wouldn't be able to sleep at night until soon i'll end up talking to someone on msn all day, many days, trying to help them through it. And this whole circle will begin again, and every waking hour will be filled will thoughts of how someone is coping, and me feeling guilty because i'm trying to relax, instead of on msn, or writing comments, or sending emails.

If i continue my blog, i can't just put up a huge warning "Don't contact me with your problems! :@" in the sidebar. If i keep this blog, people are going to look to me for help. And i can't say no. I just can't.

There's something else my psychologist said to me, and she is always right. "Don't overestimate your importance in other people's lives. If someone wants support, they will get it. Just because you're not around doesn't mean their lives are going to take a cataclysmic turn." I'm not the first person to help people and i won't be the last. There are millions of people out there eager to lend a hand. I'm 16 and i want to look after my own life. Just trying to do that is enough for me to handle.

And no, my life is very far from perfect. Some of you may have gotten that impression from my end-of-year post, but fuck me, i was just trying to put a positive spin on a shit year. I've still got a lot of crap in my life. But it's at the stage where it's not breaking me down, because i have just enough that i can handle. Now taking on other people's problems is going to break me down again, and i'm sick of being broken down, and i'm trying to prevent it from happening.

So... I dunno if i haven't addressed anything. I know this isn't the end of the 'discussion', so i'll be posting again soon, most likely.

And btw, saying i'm just jumping ship because i have a boyfriend now, and using people's problems as an excuse - not cool. And one of the reasons why i was so pissed.

And @ Jack Lewis - gtfo

Wow.

2010-01-05T20:10:00.000+11:00

So i'm just a selfish prick am i?

Blogworld does nothing for me any more, and i'm so goddamn drained from trying to help people that i'm of no use to anyone any more either. It seems every time i open blogger i end up depressed or angry, like i'm angry right now. So stop attacking me and my motives and tell me why i should stay.

And i will be replying to comments.

Why I'm Leaving.

2010-01-04T21:46:00.002+11:00

Well i said i'd post my reasons for leaving blogworld, and here they are.

I've always valued other people's wellbeing over my own. I've always been quick to bend over backwards to help someone else whenever i could.

The fact is, the more problems and issues of other people that i take on, the harder it gets for me. Things that weigh other people down get shifted onto me, and then i myself find it hard to cope, because it gets me down. And it isn't always a conscious thing. Our blogworld is here for people to post the ups and downs, and let's face it, most of us come here for support. It's not hard to come across a blog with someone having a tough time. Whenever i do that, i get involved, and i end up very emotionally invested in people. I've spent many hours writing emails of support and caring, and countless hours on msn talking to people going through their tough times.

So that's why i stopped reading blogs, why i rarely check my emails, and why i don't go on msn that much. Because i'm a 16 year old boy with his own problems, and i can't be everyone's psychologist.

I've come to the conclusion that i can't go on laying myself down in the mud for people to use as a stepping stone forever. While my efforts have been fruitful and i have helped a lot of people, i can't go on. If you milk a cow forever, eventually it's going to just give up and fall over and die. I have to look after myself as number 1, and that's advice from my psychologist. She said to me something like, "The first thing they tell you when you take on psychology, is to look after yourself first. You can't help anyone if you're not in a good state yourself." And i have been overwhelmed and i have taken on too much, many times. It's the reason why i had to keep taking 'breaks' from blogworld, with them growing longer and longer and more frequent.

So my psych said it shouldn't be up to me to save everyone. But i argued, if there was something, anything i could do, to make someone's life better, shouldn't i do it? Well her answer was, if it comes at the expense of my own wellbeing, no. And why is it my responsibility in the first place? At first i thought that was brutal, but i've come to realise how much it makes sense. If someone else's life sucks, it isn't my fault. It's fine to try and help how i can, but i can't string myself out for days on end trying to make their life perfect again. There's only so much a kid in Australia can do, and it's time to realise that fixing people's biggest problems shouldn't be my biggest priority.

I've done as much as i can here, in this community. It can't go on forever, and my time here is drawing to a very close end. I have to look after me, and my own problems. I have things in my own life i should be thinking about, not pushing them to the side to deal with other people's crap.

I hope i'm making sense. It is complicated, and it is a very, very tough decision for me to leave. But i think it's what is best for me. While it may not be the best for other people out there, when you really come down to it, my coming to this community has had a largely positive impact on many other people's lives, and that's a good thing, isn't it? I've made a difference, and now it's time to move on because i can't do it any more.

Yes, i think that makes more sense.

Anyways, i'm still yet to decide to what extent i will be leaving blogworld and its community. I realise that many of you have become very invested in me, and in the same way, i've made many good friends through my blog that i care about deeply, and i by no means intend to cut them off.

So, i'm certain i'll be leaving in one sense or another, but there is still much to be decided upon. Whether i'll make infrequent posts or not to let you know how i'm doing. Or if i'll keep reading the blogs of others to catch up on their lives. I may do neither, and just stick to contacting people through msn and emails. How much of each will be a good amount? I don't know yet.

But what i do know is that things have to change, because it's sending me downhill, and i've been waiting for that uphill for so goddamn long. Now that it's finally come, i do not intend to miss my chance to grab it with both hands

I hope my mixed metaphors throughout this post haven't confused anyone even more. :I

And What A Year It Was.

2009-12-31T13:20:00.004+11:00

So 2009 comes to an close. Without a doubt, i can say it was definitely the most eventful year of my life. Funnily enough, it was also the year that i was able to share with my readers. While it held the lowest of lows, it had a pretty damn good high at the end.

At the start of the year, my life was utterly horrible, and near unbearable. I'd been outed at school, and i was copping abuse from all sides. I know what it's like to be the centre of discussion and have rumours spread about me. I know how it feels to be mocked and hear people laughing about me behind my back, and then to my face, and to hear of people wanting to bash me up. I know what it's like to be pushed, have things thrown at me, have things knocked out of my hands or be hit as people walk past. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I couldn't sleep at night. I'd lie in bed in numb terror. I couldn't eat in the morning because i would already feel too sick. School wasn't about work or learning or socialising, it was about trying to scrape through with a bare minimum and do what i could without breaking. And i couldn't even do that. I was failing everything.

My Mum couldn't help me, nor could teachers or the principal, neither could the counsellor, or the chaplain, or the mental health woman they thought i should see. And my 'friends' turned out to be weak little backstabbers.

So i was a plane going into an irreversible nosedive, and eventually i crashed. My life shattered into a hundred pieces around me. There i was at the kitchen table, in pain, shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, tears falling in my cereal, and unable to take another second of it. There was no way i was ever going back to that place again, and that was that.

So i started again from the beginning.

I was lucky enough to cross paths with my psychologists, and they helped me to rebuild my life. I shared a metaphor with them, as one of them was leaving the clinic.

"It's like, before i kind of broke down. I was driving a car, that i'd built myself. I'd been driving for 16 years. It was a way to get from A to B. I never took any exciting paths, but i'd never encountered anything that stopped me from using the car either. Never had any major crashes.

But as i grew up the car started to veer slightly off direction. It's like there was something wrong with the steering, always going slightly off course. And then sometimes the tires would lock up and the car would jolt, and it was hard to correct (the tires and steering are references to my 2 disorders). And it made it a lot harder to get around. So rather than risk it, sometimes i would just stay at home and not use the car. The more i did that, the harder the car became to drive. I had to do a lot of correcting while driving, and it stole my focus away from more important things.

Then one day, i crashed. And it wasn't the fault of the steering, nor the tires. But still, i crashed, bad, and the car was so smashed it was irrepairable.

So i got scared of driving, and i stayed at home for a few months. I couldn't bring myself to go outside again, let alone drive.

I knew i would have to build a new car, but it was such a huge task, i could barely bring myself to do it.

But you know what, thanks to that crash, i came across two mechanics, and they gave me a manual, and stuck around to give me guidance about how to put a whole new car together. And this time around, thanks to them, i knew what was wrong with the steering, and with the tires, and i could work on fixing it.

I wiped out my old car, but now i'm building a better one. I can fix the problems with the steering, and the tires, and now all i have to do is practice getting behind the wheel again, my driving will grow to be smoother than ever before.

One day, i'll take those exciting roads that i used to avoid."

And i was right.

With my psychologists, i uncovered many of the demons inside me that made my life hard. I had body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder. As a result of what i went through at school, i'd acquired adjustment disorder. Now that i knew what they were, i could work through them.

I won't go into any more of that, many of my readers already know about this stuff anyway. :P I made progress with them, and life got easier. It truly was like a weight was being lifted from me with each step i made.

I started going to a new school, which is infinitely better than what i used to have to go to. The people there aren't in the highest of social classes, but they're a lot more accepting and mature than my previous peers.

Well, i'll say what my point is.

In many ways, this year was horrible, and it is something i would never want to relive. It was, and probably will always be, the worst year of my life.

But it was also the best year of my life. If i could go back to the start, i wouldn't have done anything differently... Well, maybe i would have broken a few noses, but you get the idea.

For from the bad, came good. If i hadn't been outed, i wouldn't have met my psychologists, i wouldn't have found out i had my disorders, i wouldn't have been able to treat them, and they would have haunted me for, possibly, the rest of my life.

So what if i lost a few 'friends'. Now that i know who they truly are, i would never want anything to do with them anyway. I truly am better off without them. And hey, i've got better friends now.

If i hadn't broken down, i'd still be going to that shithole of a school, and struggling with my work, because i'd always found it hard there. Now i'm going to a much better place, and doing much better too.

And my Mum and i have grown closer, and my Grandma knows who i really am. That's something i can be thankful for.

What i've gone through has made me who i am, and i am fucking tough. I have survived hell at school and abuse from people i'd let get close to me. I've discovered, and waded through the dangerous oceans of my inner demons. I know that now, i am unbreakable. My self-esteem used to be in tatters, but when you have to build something from the start again, you make it better than ever. My self-esteem has a shield up, and no one's gonna touch it. They can try, but they're gonna get burnt by the lasers i installed.

I can overcome anything that gets in my way, of that, i have no doubt.

And the best thing is...

I'm a stronger, more mature person, going to a better school, doing better in subjects, with better friends, making progress with my disorders, and with higher self-esteem...

Life can only get better.

I used to be down all the time. Now, i'm feeling just fine. I haven't been down, in a very long time. I don't get depressed about my life, or feel hopeless, or worthless, and i definitely don't feel unlovable any more. I'm much more positive, and i look forward to the future now, instead of wishing i didn't have one.

So bring on 2010.

Buying Presents on Christmas Eve. :D

2009-12-24T15:13:00.001+11:00

Not very fun at all. O_O

Soooo what's up with me? Well i've been trying to keep in contact with Bboy any way i can. We talk, and text, and play WoW together when we can. It was a lot harder going back to being alone once he left than i thought it would be. But regular contact with him makes it a bit easier.

I've been doing a lot of homework from my psych. Apparently most of the issues i have revolve around my low self-esteem, so that's what i'm working on.

I'm also trying to feel more. After i've been hurt so much in the past, i've become a very protective person. I shield myself to stop myself from being hurt again. In the process, i've shut out the good and the bad, so my emotions have become quite dulled. But again, i'm working on that too. I have to do this thing where i choose an event, and then list all the feelings i felt, and the thoughts associated with each feeling. It was quite fun axly. :)

I could go into SO much detail about my psych stuff but you'd all get bored. :P

In other news, i obviously haven't been around blogworld for a while now: not reading many other blogs, not commenting, not going on msn much etc. I think it's quite apparent to all of us that i'm not going to be around the blogosphere for much longer. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew so that it isn't a surprise when i leave for good one day. :)

Rest assured that doesn't mean you won't hear from me again. I'll still use msn and reply to emails and such. In fact without my blog i'll probly be able to do that more often. When i leave i'll be sure to leave my contact details for anyone who wishes to get in touch.

Anyways i've gotta go wrap my Mum's presents before she gets home.

Merry Christmas everyone. <3

Btw i've got an important post planned for the end of they year. :O

How I Met Bitboy.

2009-12-20T11:43:00.001+11:00

(Sorry for the long post but it does have a rather strong point to it) :)

You know i've always been incredibly interested in how one small action can have huge implications. In fact i often find myself thinking 'where will this action or decision lead me in the future?' when i'm at a crossroads. It's why i strive do always be nice whenever i can, because you never know when a nice action can lead to a new friend.

I think the majority of my readers also came across me and my blog through internet searches or clicking random links. If you'd typed something a little different, clicked a link above or below, or not even been on the computer that day, you might not know i existed. And many of my blog readers are good friends that have enriched my life a lot.

Well on to the point of this post. It's how i met Bitboy.

Before i got WoW, i used to play this game called Knight Online. And it was a horrible game, utterly terrible, it was. Basically it was ruled by hackers and bots. The only way to level up was to find yourself a hacker to be in a group with. And then there were the bugs and glitches, and typos. Oh god, the typos. When what you were told to do was coherent enough to understand, there would be a glitch or two that made it impossible to do.

And the gameplay was bad enough too. There were warriors, mages, rogues and priests. You could only wear armour designed for your class, and the only decent stuff was so hard to get, only people who hacked or cheated to get money could buy it. The same goes for weapons. Even low levels could wield ridiculously overpowered weapons, if they had money, that is. And the music was the same goddamn track over and over and over again.

But i digress. One day while playing this horrible game, i entered an event and was put in a group with a mage called Weebs. He did his job well and saved my virtual ass many times. After the event was over i saw him back in town and said he did a good job, and he said i did as well (both with a smiley). Then we parted our separate ways.

I was in a group with someone doing a quest later, when i ran into him in another town. Weebs knew the person i was grouping with, so we all started talking. By the time the other person had left, me and Weebs were getting along quite well.

It was then that i found that Weebs was actually an Australian. We kept talking, and decided we would play together when we could. Later on, we were partying with an American who made some rather homophobic remarks. :P Meanwhile i am very much a hint-dropper. I guess i could explain it in that i try to get a read on a person's like or dislike of gays by making borderline sexual remarks or innuendo. Does that make sense? o_O Sometimes people will act positively, others will freak out at even the slightest hint of a hug.

Anyways it worked better than i expected. By the time we got back to the main town and were alone again, Weebs asked me 'are you bi?'. I replied with something like 'you're half right lol'. He'd picked up on my semi-obvious remarks, and when i told him i was gay, he in turn said he was bi. That's when i started to go like (O_O).

'Omg' i was thinking, 'he's Australian, he likes boys, and he's a teenager'. That's an incredible lot to have in common in a game in which the majority don't even speak English. 'AND HE'S NICE!'

Soon after, i showed him the address to my blog. Then our game conversations turned to MSN conversations. Within a few days of knowing each other, i was beginning to like him, a lot. And he liked me too. It got to the point where i would only bother playing the game to see him and have his 'company'.

When he said he wanted to leave Knight Online to go back to playing World of Warcraft, i decided i had no choice but to buy it and start playing it. Being around him, even online, made me so happy. We both made new characters, and went through the levelling process together. And let me just say, WoW is infinitely better than KO. :P

The rest is history.

The fact is, if i hadn't been playing Knight Online, on that day, at that time, and entered that event (meeting Weebs), and afterwards entered a group that lead me to a town in which Weebs was at at the same time, and having Weebs know the person i was grouping with, giving us a reason to talk more... I might not have had a boyfriend for 2 weeks, 2 weeks in which i was the happiest i've been for years.

That's why i'll always be thankful for that horrible game.

Bitboy's Gone.

2009-12-16T15:09:00.000+11:00

He caught the train back to Melbourne today, on the way home to Sydney. I was teary after his train left but it's so hot and dry outside that my tears dried up straight away.

I must say that his stay here went... perfectly. We got along really well, even if we did have a few fights - nothing major and it always resulted in more cuddles. :P My cats liked him. Tiger brought him home some birds, one of which he then proceeded to eat in front of Bboy. o_O He left a single leg amongst the feathers. Nom nom. My Mum liked him a lot too. "Can we keep him??" she said. He bought her a big box of chocolates as a thank you gift, which was nice. I, of course, ate some. :D Thanks Bboy. :D He even got along with my Grandma really well. Whether or not she clued on that we were an item, i don't know. But she liked him. :)

Now i have to go back to living a single life. I dunno how i'll cope. It will be really strange sleeping alone tonight, waking up alone. I'll have to find something to entertain me. I'll have to adjust to not having arms around me and someone warm to snuggle against. I might even miss his slobbery kisses... maybe. :P

What is most of concern right now is what will happen between him and his family when he gets home tonight. Will they stop trying to prevent him from contacting me after he's spent over 2 weeks with me? Will they still try to take away his independance, after he took things into his own hands and left unnanounced? It seems kind of pointless to me, because when they push he'll only fight back harder, but it's all down to what they think, and if they can realise that.

300th Post. :O

2009-12-13T17:31:00.000+11:00

Well, recently. lol. I totally forgot about #300. It was a few posts ago. Ehhhhhhhh i don't have anything planned. So just expect something really good for 400. :P

'On-hiatus'-blogger (his words, not mine :P) Spencer came over to visit me and meet Bitboy today. :P He's doing well, working in event management in Melbourne occasionally. And Bitboy says he's looking good too. *suspicious* >.>

Bitboy just had a shower. Now he's sitting at the table eating biscuits. Not much else to say. :P

I'm starting to like my life. :)

Oh Hai!

2009-12-09T18:57:00.000+11:00

Sorry i haven't been posting much. Frankly i have better things to do. :P But i figured it was time for an update. :) I know how me being happy makes you guys happy/jealous and spiteful. :D

It's funny how after all the struggles me and Bitboy had to go through to get here, things ended up working out... perfectly. He really brightens up my life. He gets along really well with my Mum and Grandma, and the cats don't mind him - Tiger just wants BB to feed him, and Jemima has already decided that she owns him, so she'll let him stay.

I can never tell myself that i'm unloveable any more. I can no longer say that i'm incapable of having a relationship, or being happy. BB loves me for who i am and that is something i thought i would never have. Also him being here has done a lot for my self esteem. Many of the things that i used to hate about myself i now don't even think about. He has helped me to feel normal, and sometimes even special.

Not to mention that i can now say i've loved and been loved. I can say i've been snuggled and held and hugged and kissed (even if kisses are gross). And there's also the sorts of things i wouldn't dare repeat here. :P I can wake up in the morning and open my eyes to see a (cute) boy laying next to me. It's quite pleasant, to say the least. :) And whenever i want to i can have someone to wrap my arms (and legs sometimes) around. :P

Things are going well, really well. I'm happy, genuinely happy for the first time in many months.

Dunno what else to say. :)

Anyways.

2009-12-03T20:19:00.000+11:00

Bitboy made a post. :P

:S

2009-12-03T09:08:00.001+11:00

Kissing on the lips is gross.

I Love You All. :P

2009-12-02T18:09:00.000+11:00

:O I Love Mirrorboy Day. :O

Wow. Well uhh. Thank you so much. O_O That was totally unexpected, but a very, very nice surprise. :)

The reason i ever started a blog was to find some acceptance and support. I've gotten all of that and so much more. Blogworld has been so important to me and my life, so if there was anything i could do to bring some of that magic to other people's lives i would do it. I'm glad i seem to have been able to do that.

I know everyone made their posts in the hopes of cheering me up, but to be honest, i don't need cheering up at all. Today and yesterday held a lot of firsts, the sorts of firsts that i've ached for as long as i can remember. So right now, life is going just fine. :)

Again, being a part of blogworld is my pleasure.

Thanks everyone. <3

Well...

2009-12-02T11:29:00.000+11:00

I couldn't be happier. :)

Bitboy Is Coming, Today.

2009-12-01T15:30:00.000+11:00

He had to lie to his parents. They think he's playing golf with a friend.

But he went to the airport, and caught a flight to Melbourne. When he got to Melb he met up with my friend, the one i hung out with went i went to Melbourne last April or May or whatever it was. :P My friend helped him get to the train station. It was win-win because he helped Bitboy, and it also lets my Mum know that he is who he says he is before he gets here.

His train is due to arrive in town in... 1 hour and 15 minutes. I'll be meeting him at the station.

And i'm nervous as hell. :S

Me No Speaky Da Language.

2009-11-24T17:07:00.002+11:00

Got an email from Blogger. It was their email address 'no-reply@blogger.com' so it checks out. lol

Hola:

Tu blog, http://mirrorboysblog.blogspot.com/, se ha asociado al nombre de usuario de la cuenta de Google *my email address*. Utiliza este nombre de usuario de la cuenta de Google para acceder a Blogger y a tu blog.

Si has olvidado tu contraseña, puedes restablecerla haciendo clic en este enlace: http://www.blogger.com/forgot.g?r= *my email address again* and i cut a bit out of the hyperlink. lol

Esta cuenta es miembro de los siguientes blogs:
http://specialboyisyou.blogspot.com/
http://mytwistedlove.blogspot.com/
http://mirrorboysblog.blogspot.com/

Si experimentas cualquier problema o tienes alguna pregunta, visita nuestro sitio de ayuda en http://help.blogger.com/

Atentamente,
El equipo de Blogger

///

Uhhhhh wtf?

From what i can see when i followed the link, i get the idea that it's as if i've been trying to change my password. But i haven't. lol. So idk, maybe someone is trying to hack me and tried to get a hold of my password? o_O

But if anyone speaks Spanish (i think :S lol) it would help. :)

In other news, Bitboy's cunty parents *cough* have taken his computers, wallet, ID, money and mobile phone in an attempt to eliminate me from his life, but they won't succeed. Burn in hell you bastards. :)

Something tells me i won't be spending my Christmases at their house.

I See.

2009-11-23T09:13:00.000+11:00

On Sunday evening i called Bitboy and we spoke for about 45 mins. In that time he explained everything to me, and i believe what he said. He made a post this morning and tried to explain it (it'll be better coming from him) but his father came in when he was only half finished and took away the laptop.

But basically his family and a fucked-up counsellor ganged up on him and made him believe he was a predator and a paedophile, that by coming to see me he'd be ruining both our lives, and that he was taking advantage of me, and that what we had between us meant nothing. They then made him say goodbye to me, and when i replied, wouldn't let him reply. Anyways it's complicated and it's his story so it's better if when he gets an opportunity to post the full story, you hear it from him.

I'm going with what just feels right, and hoping by some miracle that things work out.

WHAT THE FUCK.

2009-11-22T07:29:00.000+11:00

In the space of a few hours, Bitboy goes from being in love with me, being my online boyfriend, playing games and doing everything online with me, and planning to come stay with me for the first 2 weeks of December, to wanting absolutely nothing to do with me.

In the space of a few hours, i go from thinking there might actually be hope for me, thinking i might not be alone forever, i might not be incapable of being in a relationship and be unloveable and there might be a little happiness in my life after such a horrible year, something to make me feel normal, to being totally lost.

He said he loved me. And i loved him. At 6pm he had an appointment with his family and a counsellor. When he gets home he texts me and the first thing he says is 'it's over'. Saying he's not going on the internet at all, and best of all, telling me not to contact him any more. And then, when i of course replied, he tells me to leave him alone.

Okay so at first he seems upset. In his first texts he says 'the counsellor has succeeded in fucking things up' and stuff about his family not letting him do 'this'. He says he would have 'fucked up both our lives by going over there'. He thought he had a fucked up head, and more crap along those lines.

But then he sends me a text later on that night, in which he seems absolutely fine with ending things. He says he has problems he needs to sort out before being in a committed relationship, and that he's confused about where his sexuality lies. And he ends with 'I'm sorry it came this far, but i am certain you will find someone who will love you dearly. Don't give up! ;-)'

FUCKING SMILEY FACE?!

He then called me and seemed so content with saying that he has issues and needs to sort them out, he won't be coming to see me, he won't be my boyfriend, and he wants me never to contact him again.

So what the fuck mate? How can you go from loving me to not loving me in only a few hours? You made me so happy and i made you happy, but now you're stabbing me in the heart. You don't seem to even care about how much you're hurting me. I'm deeply in love with you but you're telling me to stop contacting you. You won't give me the opportunity to even talk about this with you. Well, you did call me, but i couldn't even speak because i was so fucking shocked at what you said i couldn't physically talk. I just don't get it.

What i don't get is how quickly you can go from not caring what the homophobic world around you thinks and just wanting to be happy, to then wanting nothing to do with me, supposedly because of something your family/counsellor said, and then wanting nothing to do with me and coming across as being totally fine with it. You don't even want to be my friend. You want nothing to do with me. I don't get it.

I shouldn't have let myself get my hopes up. Everyone told me to be wary, but ohhhhhhhhh no, i thought the risk was worth it, because this time i would axly be seeing the person face-to-face, and i might have the chance to not be alone for the first time in my life. After all that stood in our way, he himself was the one that put an end to it.

Now i'm left with absolutely nothing to look forward to. And nothing makes me happy. I can't even play that fucking game any more because the only reason i bought it was because HE played it, and he was the best thing about it.

I'm all alone, again. It's back to the fucking crippling loneliness i've become so familiar with. I've got nothing to look forward to and no hope of ever being happy, because life just loves to fuck me over in every way possible. Even i thought life wasn't capable of fucking me up through someone i love, but you shouldn't underestimate how much of a cunt life can be.

Fun. :|

2009-11-19T08:52:00.003+11:00

Monday, for English, we spent the lesson finishing a picture made out of buttons, that the 'special needs' class started and never finished. It axly was kinda fun lol, but hardly English. :P

And English is heaps of fun, am i right?? :D

Then later in the day for Personal Development, i pretty much just got on the computer and replied to emails. :P There was a bit of report-writing and letter-writing, but yeah, seeing as only 2 people showed up, not much work to do. lol

Tuesday was interesting tho. Twas Psychology and we had to choose a mental illness or disorder and do an assignment on it. So surprise! I chose social anxiety disorder. :D

So i figure i did a pretty good job on it. lol

Then when i handed it in, i told the teacher that i axly had it. Fun times. We spoke about it a bit, and she seemed genuinely really interested. I spose that's cos she is the Psychology teacher. :P

We both agree that psychologists are ftw. :)

That's about it. lol

Stay cool everyone. :/

Before i go, here's a picture that's a post in its own. :O

(Read the convo in the lower left corner :P)

Yay.

2009-11-13T17:24:00.000+11:00

Work experience at the radio station is finished. It got pretty boring sitting there for 6 hours a day doing pretty much nothing. :S

I emptied bins. Vaccuumed floors. Photocopied stuff. Folded things. And for the afternoon i chose a song to play each week, which became 'Mirrorboy's choice'. lol. And i also read out the community calendar each week.

But it got boring after a few weeks. There wasn't much else to do, other than a few small tasks in the morning for 3 hours, and then sitting there watching the presenter for 3 hours after that.

But now i'm glad to have my Fridays back. And speaking of having days back (does that make sense? lol), school finishes for the year in 2 weeks, and i get about 2 months break. ^___^

What Do I Hate?

2009-11-09T21:47:00.000+11:00

Summer. I hate it so much. :S

Being in Australia during the Summer sucks. It gets so freakin hot!

I hated Winter too, but now that Summer is approaching, oh, how i miss it. lol

It's easy to warm up. Put on some thick clothes, put on a heater, wrap up in a blanket. But with Summer, there's nothing you can do to cool down. :(

It's hot, and dry, and icky and sweaty and insecty and hot.

T_T

Also, see obligatory WoW pic, now that i'm a WoWser. :P

:S

2009-11-05T14:04:00.001+11:00

I have officially crossed the line of geekiness. I just bought World of Warcraft. lol

Happy Birthday Landyn. :)

2009-11-04T14:01:00.002+11:00

Hope you have a good birthday. You deserve some happiness.

Enjoy. :P

<3

That's Not All. :P

2009-11-03T16:30:00.000+11:00

I've brought someone else with me on my return to blogworld.

And this one's not just a friend. :P

He's calling himself BitBoy and he just started blogging too. So go have a look at his blog.

Against all odds, we met in an online game, found out we both lived in Australia, found out we both liked boys, and later, found that we liked each other a fair bit too. :)

MBoy's Back (and he brought someone with him). :P

2009-11-03T14:13:00.002+11:00

Nooooo he's just a friend. :P

A few days ago i caught up with an old friend from Primary School (which is grades prep to 6 in Aus) who i hadn't seen in 4 years. He kinda... showed up at my house unnanounced. :P

Anyways he brought a friend of his and they both came in. We caught up, and connected well enough to the degree that i told them about the personal crap that had happened to me in the past few years. I ended up showing him my blog, and he informed me that today hes just finished reading all of it. :P So we've caught up pretty well i reckon. :)

Anyways, he just started his own blog, so go check it out. :)

Btw he's bi, so he fits in. :P

Haiii.

2009-10-30T21:43:00.000+11:00

Sorry about the interruption in transmission. Your regular programming will return soon.

As soon as i figure out what to post about next. :)

Nevermind.

2009-10-24T18:51:00.002+11:00

Thnx for the comments. <3

Goodbye. :'(

2009-10-21T13:58:00.000+11:00

Today was my last session with my psychologist, so i'll never see her again. Unfortunately for the majority of the session, i was in tears and could hardly speak, so it was a pretty sucky time.

My other psych said it might be a good idea to write the one that's leaving a letter, so i can get a bit of closure. So i'll probably do that sometime this week. Not today, cos i'll start crying again, and i really don't want to start crying again.

Just so you know, yeah, i have 2 psychologists. I won't be keeping in contact with the one that's leaving. And after she's gone, i'll only be seeing the one. The one's that's leaving is the one i was closest to, because she was the one who... ran the sessions i guess. The other one was there to observe and give ideas.

K that's about all i want to say right now. As you might guess, it's hard to write about.

Mondays. Sheesh.

2009-10-19T18:51:00.000+11:00

They're so longgggg. And it didn't help that today was hot. :P

Anyways the 'gay youth group' i'm in has really been taking off over the past few weeks.

(Obviously i'm not going to go into much detail, cos i don't want anyone knowing where i live. :P)

Just over a week ago a party was held by an outside 'gay etc. group', and all the funds went directly to my group. About 150 people showed up, and it was $10 (Aus) to get in, so... now we have money. :D

Previously we only had enough to just keep running, and even then, only enough money for a few years. Now with money, we should be able to not only continue running, but really make a difference in the community. One of our projects is to make 'pride packs' or something like that, with resources for people who are coming out or thinking of it or anything similar, with resources and information about support and stuff about our group. So with money that is now possible. :) We're also making banners and redesigning our logo atm.

Also, a journalist and photographer came by today because they're putting an article about us in the paper. The photographer took pictures (well duhh) and then the journalist asked us a lot of questions about... pretty much everything, and he seemed genuinely interested. :)

He asked if anyone had a story they wanted to share, and i said yes, so i briefly recounted to him my coming out experience.

That was quite a brave step for me. There were about a dozen other people from my group in the room that hadn't heard about it before. Oh, let's not forget that this is a journalist! lol. And it's going in the paper that probably tens of thousands of people read. And he's using my first name too, and it isn't exactly a generic name, as some of you know. :P

But yeah it's all good. And no, don't ask to see the article cos then you'll know where i live. :P

"Church can reject gays, single mums"

2009-10-19T18:28:00.000+11:00

From The Age (a newspaper lol).

It's a couple weeks old but we were discussing it at my 'gay youth group' today.

///
Gay rights advocates have criticised slated changes to Victoria's equal opportunity laws that will continue to allow religious organisations to discriminate against gays and single parents.

State Attorney-General Rob Hulls says a new Equal Opportunity Bill will be introduced into parliament next year.

Under the changes, religious groups will no longer be able to discriminate on the grounds of race, disability, age, physical features, political belief or breastfeeding.

But they can continue to discriminate on grounds including sexuality or marital status if it is in accordance with their beliefs.

Tasmanian Gay and Lesbian Rights Group spokesman Rodney Croome says the right to employment and education is more important than pandering to religious prejudice.

"Too often this issue is seen as gay rights versus religious freedom when, in fact, it is about the right to a job you're qualified for, to attend the school of your choosing and to receive essential services," he said.

Australian Christian Lobby director Rob Ward said some of the options canvassed as part of a review of exemptions to the Equal Opportunity Act, had they been implemented, would have had serious repercussions for churches, religious schools and church-related organisations.

"Faith-based groups throughout Victoria have been united in their strong concern about a number of the options being looked at as they would have undermined the very core of these bodies by preventing them from upholding their beliefs in terms of who they employ and, therefore, how they operate," he said.

"It is good to see the Victorian government respecting those concerns and the basic right to religious freedom in this state."

Victorian Equal Opportunity and Human Rights Commission chief executive Helen Szoke said the proposed revamp of the law was a positive step towards a better balance between religious freedom and anti-discrimination.

She said she was pleased religious bodies would soon have to demonstrate how employing someone of a particular religion was an inherent requirement of a job.

"Religious schools or religious charities, for example, will have to show how belonging to a particular religion is relevant to the job they are trying to fill," Dr Szoke said.

"In the case of religious education teachers or chaplains, this will be clear. However, in the case of office staff or the maths teacher it will need to be made explicit how religion is relevant to the job."

The review of the Equal Opportunity Act was conducted by parliament's Scrutiny of Acts and Regulations Committee.
///

Questionnaire.

2009-10-16T20:55:00.000+11:00

I've never done a questionnaire on my blog before, because i find them really annoying. :P

But this one had a few good questions, so i figured posting it would help make up for the lack of posts recently.

Also, honestly, i'm just bored out of my brain atm. :P

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair, and i take ages to do it. :P

2. What colour is your favorite hoodie?
Brown and black.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
I haven't kissed anyone in years. Axly i can't remember ever kissing anyone.

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
Not really but i do have an idea of what pants i'm going to wear for the coming days, so i know when to have things washed.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Boreeeeeeeeddd.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
My shirt. It's red and pink.

7. The last dream you remember having?
It was about the characters of my story. It was pretty cool.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Yeah some guy at work exp. Dunno his name.

9. What are you craving right now?
Something i'm not gonna talk about. :P

10. Do you floss?
Nope.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Taxis.

12. Are you emotional?
Yes, very.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
I have a life.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Lick it. I like licking things. I make that no secret. :P

15. Do you like your hair?
It's too thick.

16. Do you like yourself?
Nope.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
No thanks.

18. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing. I guess i should put some music on. *puts Rock Star theme tune from Kirby on* :P

19. Are your parents strict?
Nope.

20. Would you go sky diving?
I'm scared of heights. So i wouldn't. But i am becoming more daring, so probably one day i would if i could.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Haven't tried it.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
No but i said hello to one on the phone. :P

23. Do you rent movies often?
Nope. Got no one to watch them with. I'd like to.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Yeah some crap of my Mum's. :P

25. How many countries have you visited?
None, apart from Australia, but that doesn't count as visiting.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
No, i'm a nice boy. :)

27. Ever been on a train?
Sure have and it was awful cos we kept getting delayed.

28. Brown or white eggs?
I've only tried white but i do like me some interracial. ^_^

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes and i couldn't live without it now.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Yeah sometimes.

31. Do you own a gun?
It's kind of illegal...

32. Can you use chop sticks?
No way. I'm much too clumsy.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Nobody, again.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Yes.

35. Ever been in love?
Yeah.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I dunno. lol

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Wtf are they?

38. Last time you cried?
A few days ago probly. It happens so much, i don't take notice of it any more. :P

39. What was the last question you asked?
Fish and chips for dinner?

40. Favorite time of the year?
School holidays.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Illegal much.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Nah i'm so not sarcastic. *sarcasm*

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No but i base most of my life around it.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Most likely.

45. Favorite color?
Pink.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Nope.

47. Is your hair curly?
No it's wavy.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Uhm can't remember. It's been a while.

49. Do looks matter?
Not to me.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
No.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
No. :P

52. Do you like your life right now?
It's getting better and i'm happy with that. It's been a lot worse. :P

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Only if i fall asleep not on purpose.

54. Can you handle the truth?
If i'm better off not knowing, then i don't wanna know, unless i can help.

55. Do you have good vision?
I wear glasses and contacts. Not at the same time tho. :P

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
I could name a dozen.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Depends how busy i am.

58. The last person you held hands with?
I don't think i've ever 'held hands' but my grandma held my hand when i was crying in the car after my last psych appointment.

59. What are you wearing?
Pants, undies, shirt.

60.What is your favorite animal?
Kitties. ^_^

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
In my backyard. :P

62. Can you hula hoop?
No. :P

63. Do you have a job?
I do work experience at the radio station. :P

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
A drink on my way home from school. It's part of my treatment for my SAD.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yeah when i was little and me and Mum were locked out of the house. She made me go through the laundry window, and i hurt myself bad doing it. :S

Work Experience Week 2.

2009-10-16T16:50:00.000+11:00

First, thanks for the nice comments on my last post. I won't be going anywhere for a while at least, i promise. I just need something more interesting to post about. :P

So today at work experience at the radio station, i did more than last week. First i had to go around and empty all the bins, and that was uber-gross, especially when i had to empty the bin in the toilet room, which was full of stinky toilet paper.

:S

Then i was shown how to work the photocopier, so for the next couple of hours i did a bunch of photocopying, stapling, putting in pigeonholes etc. And I also typed up some stuff for the Community Calendar and printed that out.

Then i listened to the Muse songs on my iPod while i waited for the afternoon presenter to arrive, because i'd brought my Muse cd with me, seeing as he said i could pick any song and he'd play it during the show. So i was listening to them, trying to pick one out.

Then i was in there in the studio with him for the three hours, just like last week, and he played my song. (I went with Starlight). So that was pretty cool. And he liked it too. :)

Then i volunteered to read out the Community Calendar, which is about a page long. So i did read it out. lol. I was a lot more nervous than i thought i would be, but he said i did a good job. :)

And good is good.

That's it for now. :)

Fanks.

2009-10-15T18:40:00.001+11:00

Sorry i haven't been posting much. I haven't been thinking about blogs at all. And i forgot about the 400,000 views post too, so i'll just say,

THANKS FOR ALL THE VIEWS ^_^

lol

My life isn't very exciting so i haven't got much to post about. It's all just more of the same, and you've heard it all before. So meh. :P

And i don't have as much time for blogs any more. I guess i'm getting old (in blog years at least). Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe...

Blurk Explurnairianence.

2009-10-10T17:44:00.001+11:00

Sorry i didn't post last night. I forgot. :P

So the work experience went pretty well. I got a lot of practical experience in... folding paper. For the first half hour i folded newsletters in the office. :)

Then a woman there told me to pick out some cds i liked from the archive. I had no idea who almost all of them were. lol

Then i went into Studio 1 and she showed me how to work the board thingy. So then i messed around in there for half an hour until the presenter guy showed up. He was older than i expected. By that i mean he's old. :P

So i watched and observed for the next three hours, and i asked questions too. It was mostly a music show, with a lot of various music. He also read out community events and the weather. He hates reading stuff out. :P

So next week i'm probably gonna read out the weather and the community events. He also said i could pick out a song to bring in and he'd play it. :)

It was a pretty good time, the only bad thing is that my head was ready to explode after 3 hours of only listening to music.

Oh and i'm almost at 400,000 views and i dunno how to celebrate. So, any ideas? :P

Work Exparurniance.

2009-10-09T08:51:00.000+11:00

My work experience at the radio station starts in about an hour.

I'll be helping in the office from 10am to 12am. Then i'll be helping a presenter from 1pm to 4pm. And that goes on every Friday for 6 weeks.

Hopefully it's decent. lol

And i still haven't even read the comments on my last post. :S

Sowwy.
<3

Break-ity Break-oo.

2009-10-07T18:29:00.001+11:00

So i've had an unmentioned short break, which i'm now semi-back from... o_O

I'm doing okay, considering the circumstances. I've been tear-free for a few days, but still not i-feel-sick-in-my-heart-free.

Anyways i'll be alright, probably.

Although it wasn't really the best time, me being on a break and all, a few new bloggers have contacted me because they've just started up. :P

So go check them out and give them some support or i will **** your *** **** so *****!!!
*angry face*

Mimpy's Mind

StandBy

My Gay Teen Life

OH by the way, a big thank you to everyone for their support. <3

I Are Sadness.

2009-10-02T14:49:00.000+10:00

I found out today that one of my psychologists is leaving.

This is someone that knows more about me than anyone else on earth. I've told her about the most personal things in my life. She's helped me through the hardest stuff imaginable. I could talk to her about anything. She helped me work through my disorders. She's literally changed my life. Without my psychs i would still feel like a freak. Most likely, i would be dead. Now i'm going to have to say goodbye.

I had tears streaming down my face once i'd gotten in the car. I've been crying on and off since the appointment. *wipes tears so he can see the keyboard* I'm about to break down right now. I don't know where things are going to go from here. For the past months my life has revolved around her words.

K i'm gonna have to stop now this is too hard.

Tomorrow.

2009-10-01T21:46:00.000+10:00

I have to meet my Work Skills teacher at the radio station tomorrow at 10:15. We'll be going in to talk to the guy there about organising my work experience, starting about a week from now.

And then at 11:30 i have an appointment with my psychologists, so fun times. :P

The break's almost over. I start at school again on Monday.

I think this is the first time in years, that i'm not terrified about having to go back to school.

:)

Death.

2009-09-30T14:25:00.000+10:00

Gay Mid-Schooler A new blogger who could use some help.

In other news i just got back from my Grandma's house, or as i call her, 'Nan'. I helped her make the Christmas cakes that she does every year. It was sticky, and messy, which is hard for an OCD freak like me. lol. But it was good times and at least i had something to break the boredom. lol :)

Halfway through she got a phone call from someone, informing her that one of her friends had died. What i noticed was something interesting. She didn't become terribly upset. She didn't even have a tear in her eye. Instead she just talked for a while, as she would during any phone call. Before long she was smiling and sharing jokes as she normally would.

She mentioned to the caller that i was there to help her make the cakes. I assume the person on the telephone said something about me being there to do the mixing, because she mentioned the mixing machine. She went on to say that she borrowed that from a friend one year, and it made things a lot easier. She continued to borrow it from her every year to make the cakes, until the friend ended up in hospital. She said she didn't get to return it after that so she 'scored with that one', or something along those lines, with a soft laugh.

Obviously it was said a lot less bluntly than i put it. It's hard to convey the exact emotions and ways things were said. But i got the impression that for my Grandma, death is not such a terrible thing. After the phone call she just said it was a part of life, and continued to do the cakes.

She didn't let it get her down, and i have respect for my Grandma for that. For i haven't had a death really impact on me yet, and i don't know how i'll cope when it does. I've just always seen it as such a catastrophic, life-changing event. Maybe i shouldn't though.

If only we could see death in a different light than we do now. It might not be such a terrible thing. It might not be so hard to cope with. We might find it easier to accept, and move on, and i think that would be a good thing.

Does what i'm saying make sense? As per usual, probably not. :P

love

Argh

2009-09-29T16:10:00.001+10:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEDDD

T_T

Welcome To My Bedroom Of EVIL.

2009-09-24T12:13:00.000+10:00

Rather than try to fix all the paragraphs when putting in comments on each pic, i included captions with each picture. You may need to click each one to see the bigger version and read what i said. :)

Tonight Was So Gay.

2009-09-21T21:55:00.005+10:00

My gay youth group had another movie and pizza night. :P We got pizzas, lollies and chips (idk i think Americans call them crisps or something :P). And we watched 17 Again. It was a lot better than i expected. Lots of lols. :)

I probably shouldn't be calling it a 'gay youth group'. For starters, not everyone there is gay. There are a few bisexuals, and also a few straight people who just hate homophobia. In fact our facilitator is straight, and getting married soon.

Okay from now on i'll start calling the group by our proper name. We're called ********. I would tell you what it means but then you'd know where i live. :/

(Edit: Okay okay so i decided against naming what we're called. It's too easy to find info on me once you know. I just still need a name i can call the group...)

>.>

Next post will be of my bedroom. :)

New Colours!! :O

2009-09-19T18:37:00.000+10:00

I quite like it. :P

Thanks Torchy, for that email you sent me at the start of the year telling me how i could change my background colour. I found it and used it. ^_^

It's kinda Christmassy. lol

I've decided for a post coming up, i'm going to take you on a tour of my bedroom by pictures... as soon as i clean it up a bit. :P

If you've got any other suggestions about what you'd like me to post about or do anything about, leave a comment. I'm gonna have nothing interesting to post about during the 2-week holidays. lol

I Need Head.

2009-09-18T11:28:00.000+10:00

A Blog Header* oops

Considering it's been a year with the plain Black & White Header "Mirrorboy's Blog" i figure it might be time to replace that with a picture. It would be more colourful and engaging.

But i need some ideas. What should the first thing people see when they come to my blog, be?

Ah Jeez.

2009-09-18T11:17:00.001+10:00

There aren't words to explain how i feel right now. I'm so touched and honoured and humbled by all the love you've shown me today and yesterday. The Daily Jizzt's post is simply amazing and i'll never forget it.

I will try not to make this into another of those annoying reflective posts about how much my life has changed. :P

'Thank you' isn't enough. The people i've met through blogging have made me a different, better, person. I've grown so much, and i've grown a lot stronger. I've learnt to accept myself as a gay person because of you. If it weren't for the people i've met through blogging, i would probably be dead.

But i'm still here. Because of your support i made it.

Now i'm happy to call myself a blogger. And i'll be around for a while yet, to give support. I will stick around because i want to make a difference in people's lives, like you have to mine. I will help people who need help, because i know how much of a difference that online help can make.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading. Thank you for your support. Thank you for the emails. Thank you for being my friends.

My life is back on track now after the hardest 12 months of my life. All i can do now is wonder about what the year ahead will hold.

And i'd like to share it with you, if you'll have me. :)

<3

Okay after this i'll go back to proper posts, i swear. :P

Birthday.

2009-09-17T14:51:00.000+10:00

Happy Blog-Birthday Mirrorboy.

Thank you so much to everyone who's been my friend and supported me over the last 12 months. I can't begin to describe how much it, and all of you, mean to me.

I've come a long way. I almost didn't make it, but somehow i did. And now life is finally starting to look up for me.

The exposure treatment for my S.A.D with my psychologists is working. I'm more comfortable in social situations, i can do things on my own more, and my anxiety is generally lower than before.

My school is going well. The schoolwork is going fine, although i did get heaps of homework today. :P

I'm talking to the people in class, and most of them are quite nice. In fact they surprised me the other day. For the speech we had to do in English on a controversial topic, one of the girls chose same-sex marriage (she was for it btw). As usual, we discussed it afterwards, and the people are actually pretty accepting. I was quite proud of them to be honest. :)

I also heard back from the radio station today. They accepted my application and in 3 weeks i'll be doing work experience there.

On top of that, today was the last day of term, so i get a 2-week break from school. :D

The layout of the blog has changed. The blog links are updated. And a big thank you to deejohn for the bday present (the blog header). :)

And massive thanks to all of you for your continued support and love!

Memorable Moments #2

2009-09-16T13:43:00.000+10:00

March. It was early in the month, when i celebrated 150,000 views, that i started up my other 2 blogs, Secret Project (co-owned with Jake) which was basically boy pics, and Mirrorboy's Words, on which i posted excerpts from my story

2 days later, i started seeing my psychologists (thank God they came into my life). I had a bit of support in my life now, but school was still really hard.

At the end of March, i posted the interview that Col had done with me, and it provides a bit of insight into my life.

April. The 8th, and i was getting ready for my trip to Melbourne, the state's capital city. Not only was it my first holiday, but it showed me that there was a life outside of my crappy, small-minded town. I could at least look forward to the day when i finally leave.

And i had photos. :P

During April was the time i stopped attending school. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it had all become too much. My Mum knew she couldn't keep sending me, so i just stopped going. I didn't make a post about it though, because frankly, it was private.

May. Not much happened in May. I continued not going to school, and instead focusing on trying to get better by working with my psychologists. I also kept going to my gay youth group.

The 22nd was my birthday. I got some really nice bday wishes from my online friends. :) Other than that it was a pretty crappy day. lol

2 days later, i explained everything about school, and life, and i told you about my disorders. I also said that tomorrow i would be starting at a new school (which is my current one). My first day wasn't bad, although i was expectedly nervous.

With a lot on my mind, i took a break from blogging and didn't return until mid-June.

June. I included a post about the kinds of things we get up to at my youth group.

By the 19th, things were starting to get back on track for me, thankfully.

June also had a Q&A post about me, and if you're interested, i showed you pics of where i blog from.

July. My school hours increased. I was also going through a lot of ups and downs. Life was pretty unstable as i juggled blogging with school and my disorders. I used my blog to vent when i needed to.

I also posted some pics of the beach in my city.

At least things were on the up, now.

August. I was busy, and that was good. Inadvertently, i was also being more positive. Things were starting to improve.

And now September. There's not much point in looking back on this month. :P

But i will say, the past few weeks have been the best in a long time. Every single day, things get better for me. Living gets easier.

The time between now and a year ago almost killed me, literally. But i've survived. I've got the scars in my mind and bruises on my soul, but i made it, thanks in no small part to all of you who supported me.

Memorable Moments #1

2009-09-15T19:00:00.002+10:00

September 2008 - February 2009.

Here are what i consider to be some of my most important or memorable posts for the first 6 months of blogging. :)

September. This post pretty much sums up why i started blogging. I was angry and frustrated, and that meant lots of CAPS. lol. I was a gay boy living in a homophobic world and i hated it.

October. After i got a few lucky links, my daily views were doubling. Quite quickly my mind was put on something else though. I was outed. First there was confusion, then calm, and then happiness. That happiness lasted for a while. But unfortunately, things got worse, much much worse. Only a week later i was struggling and contemplating suicide.

November. At home i tried to forget about school, and i blogged about other things as much as i could. November was witness to my teddy bear post (deceptively innocent). Since i posted that it has never left me, still haunting me to this day. :P

Unfortunately although i tried to put my mind off the shit that was happening to me, that didn't stop it from existing. 2 weeks into November, the storm hit me, and i was scared.

This is painful to remember. I can even see my social anxiety disorder growing as i read what i wrote. At least i had Mrs OC. I could always talk to her. I don't know what i would have done without her.

November was when i started to drift. It was when i switched to auto-pilot. All i could do was try to block the immense pain inside of me, and use every spare minute i could to relax.

December. As if the shit at school wasn't enough, one of the people at my school, someone who i dared to call my friend, started abusing me on my own blog. Currently i couldn't care less about what people say to me on here, but back then i was fragile, and it hurt a lot.

My life was a total mess.

Meanwhile in blogworld, i helped AJ. If you weren't around for what happened, then it's hard to explain, but it was definitely memorable to me.

At least i got a few weeks break from school and i could relax a bit. The day before New Year's Eve, i made a post about my history before blogging, and about that whole year. That post also includes my first coming out story, to my Mum.

January. I started my e-relationship with Jake Anon, and i posted about a lot of easier stuff to swallow. 3 weeks in though, and the dread of returning to school was upon me.

February. My first day back was crap, and it got worse from then on. Luckily, i also started attending my gay youth group.

That may seem like a lot to swallow in one post, but i'll be using this (and some of this week's other posts) as a future reference for people new to my blog to get to know me.

March to present continues tomorrow. The day after that, is the big day.

Looking back on what happened to me really shows me just how far i've come. Life is drastically better, and i'm so thankful for all the support. During all that time i was posting about suffering, there were people on my blog leaving comments and sending emails, and talking to me on msn, with support and love. Thank you so much.

All About You.

2009-09-13T13:14:00.002+10:00

*crap this took me 3 and a half hours!! lol*

People seem to be put off talking to me because they feel like i've got many other people to talk to.

Well you can never have too many friends. Hopefully this week of posts has shown you just how much having friends means to me.

This is probably gonna be long, but i wanna thank everyone that i've met through blogging who's made an impact on my life. If it weren't for the people i've met through blogging, i probably wouldn't be here.

This as also for all you who keep complaining that you don't get a mention. :P

Landyn - You're my favourite person in the whole world and when you hurt i hurt. I would do anything for you. I hope things get better for you because seeing you happy would make me so happy.

AJ - You're my best friend. We've been through so much together and i'm sure we will for many days to come.

Jake - lol. If it wasn't for you being in my life things would have taken a much different turn. You had a huge part in making me who i am today. lol

Bob - You're like a father to our blog community. You've got everyone's backs and i hope you know just how important you are and how much of a difference you make.

Lach - You gave me my first hug. ^_^ Hanging out with you was a lot of fun. You helped me feel more... normal. When i move to Melbourne i hope we'll see each other a lot more.

Deadwing - You're one of my best friends. I'm glad to have made a difference in your life, i just wish things could be easier for you too. I hope when you get down, you'll just remember how far you've come.

James - We've had our ups and downs, but you're still one of my firm friends and you've helped me a lot. I'll always be here for you and i know you will for me too.

Drew - There are some things i can only talk to certain people about, because i know they'll understand. I trusted you with some very personal thoughts and i know you've done the same. You're a good friend. :)

Joshie - You helped me during a rough time and i think that's when we grew a lot closer. I'll always be happy to repay the favour. Also, you dyed your hair pink and that makes anyone awesome in my book. :P

Wawwy - You's such cutenesh. ^_^ I loves talking to you. Is always interesting and funness. Fun is a good word to describe you. :P

Elliott - You were one of the first people to add me on msn and we've been friends since. On top of that, you were the first person i've met through the blog to talk to me on the phone, which is always fun. ^_^

Reilly - We have a huge amount in common. We've shared a lot of personal stuff with each other too. I'm really glad i met you.

Cutie Dan - Though if i said 'Cutie' you would immediately think it was you anyway, i bet. ;) You're a lot of fun to talk to and i love your hair. :P

Benji - You're adorable. You're so sweet and cute. J'adore Benji. :P Don't be so down on yourself. You're a great guy and things will get easier for you, i'm sure. I'll always be here to support you either way.

Matt - You're my good friend too. Memories? Playing uno against each other on msn. lol. But seriously you're cool and i like talking to you. :)

Steve - We don't talk much outside blogging but when you talk you always provide such a good and intellectual opinion. Whenever i make a thoughtful post i always look forward to your comments.

Aek - For an Asian you sure can be dumb sometimes. lol. You're a good person though, very helpful. Thanks for helping me with some of my medical problems too. Woo free advice. lol

Seth - One of my first linkers, and you gave me a big boost. You're very caring and to me blogworld would be a very different place without you in it.

Naturgesetz - I love that you're part of our community. I really value your opinion on the religious side of things. We've had some good discussions. :)

Mr. HCI - You're like a kid on the inside. lol. I know you'd always be willing to offer support to anyone you could. You're nice, and funny, and generally a great guy. :)

Steevo - You always say it how you see it. That's an important trait. Other than that, you helped me a lot during my rough times and i'll always be grateful.

AgentK - You're such an amazing kid. I hate it that you've been hurt so much. I hope you get some love you deserve.

Louie - It was great having someone to talk to about my writing, and i liked hearing about yours. We'll have to catch up soon. Next time i see you online i'll say hai. :)

Peter from PA - The compulsive video-poster. lol. We don't talk much but when we did it was always fun. We have some good memories. :P

Jeremy - We never seem to say much but we're still good friends. lol. You're good to talk to and always good for some lols. :)

Spastic Fantastic - You're also lotsa fun to talk to. Even though it seems we mostly talk about TV, game and movies. :P

Randy - I loved getting comments from you on my writing blog. I knew when you didn't like something you would tell me straight. That's what i really wanted and i grew as a writer because of you.

Kiwi/Chris - You're sweet and funny and you gave me the most helpful advice when i was writing. You also had a great blog which is missed. I doubt you'll even be reading this, but i hope you're doing okay.

David ex-Westasian - You had the best picture blog i knew. You had great tastes, and similar interests in many things other than boys. You were one of my most popular bloggers and i was so amazed that my blog was being read by someone 'famous'. You also gave me a birthday present which i'll never forget.

Victor - I'm glad you kept in touch because i always like hearing about how you're doing and your emails are always a pleasure to read. You're a smart, honest person and i'm glad we're friends.

David JB - I always love hearing your feedback on stuff i blog about. It's really nice that you take the time to email me so often and care about me. Thanks a lot.

Robert in the USA - We don't see each other that often but when we do i feel like we have a strong connection. You're a really sweet guy.

Zee - We've had some interesting discussions (arguments). :P You're so bloody stubborn and that's why i love you.

Torchy - You're another important part of our blog community and i'm glad you're around. On top of that you're really funny and your posts are almost always lolable.

Nick - I've seen that that people you've met through blogging has helped you to accept yourself more, and i'm so happy to have been a part of that. I wish you all the best. :)

John in the USA - You've been emailing me for so long now it seems like you've been with me from the start. We've had our disagreements but i'm glad i've gotten to know you.

John in Aus - The writer. Thanks for being my proofreader when i still had my writing blog. I dunno what i would have done without you. I also remember all those horrible, horrible jokes. *shakes head*

Tyler GBIH - You're really cool and funny. You've also got an amazing ass. ;D But seriously, we recently found out we've got a lot in common so no doubt we'll be talking a lot more.

Tyler DIML - And you've got an amazing face! lol. Talking to you is always entertaining. You're a really smart guy too.

Mike - Talking to you is always good times. We've got heaps in common, like 2 jigsaw pieces. :)

Jayson - You kept an eye out for the bloggers and were always supportful.

Col - One of my biggest memories of blogging was when you interviewed me. It was a great idea of yours to do those interviews. You were also super-nice and really caring and i'm sorry that you disappeared.

Doomed BC - He who types in huge paragraphs. lol. You're a really nice, caring guy.

Aahsazyl - You're just plain strange. lol. And you're so lovable because of it. :P

Baz - You gave me some good writing advice and you always tell it how it is.

Lance - We've had some ups and some major downs. But i do care about you and i hope you're doing okay.

Hayden - When we first met i thought you were a bit strange, but you're really a nice guy. :P

Justin - You were the only one who knew how to get that game of mine to work. You can call in that favour any time. ;)

Olivia - You're still the only girl on my msn. lmao. You're wicked-cool and i still remember the poem you wrote for me during my rough time. It was really sweet. :)

Tristan - You were really helpful during my first days as a blogger and your words of advice were really important to me.

Tom ex-Daily Jizzt - Tommy Toppy or Tommy Bottomy. Works either way. xD. You had a great sense of humour and you were also really nice and caring. I miss you.

Chris from Aus - You're a really smart guy and i like talking to you. We share a lot of opinions on things too.

Paulie - You're funny, you're sweet and you're hot. ;)

Peter PH - You're a really nice guy. I remember that you'd always send me those funny story things, and that was always fun. And we've got very similar tastes in boys. :)

And Grant - Thanks for all the awesome smileys. lol

I really do hope i didn't miss anyone. lol

Turning Points. important!

2009-09-12T18:28:00.000+10:00

I think there were 3 events in my life which changed me forever.

The first was when my Year 9 English teacher came and found me while i was in a class, and pulled me aside to talk to me. Funnily enough, i blogged about that experience. In fact it was the fourth post i ever made. It's sad that some of my most important posts get lost in the past.

I will never, ever, ever forget the kindness that Mrs OC showed me. Not only did she put me onto writing, when i was outed at school she was my support.

Being outed at school. That was the second life-changing event. Really, it changed me forever. It changed me beyond words. It's so painful i don't even want to think about it.

However if you care to know about me, you can go back to October and November and read the posts, because i blogged about what happened, although i didn't blog about a lot of the pain it caused me.

I'm still dealing with many of the issues that came from that time. I also lost most of my 'friends', lying backstabbing cunts, now only having 2 that i can trust, and it was the reason why i changed schools.

It caused my adjustment disorder. And my body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety disorder fired up. I couldn't sleep at night because i was terrified of waking up to face another day. In the morning i would lie in bed still and silent. When i looked in the mirror i was full of self-loathing. I couldn't do my schoolwork because i couldn't focus. Every single day was one of terror and pain. There was no life in my life anymore.

I can honestly say, the fact that i made it through alive is beyond me. I was on the brink of suicide. The was no hope of recovery in sight. I was failing my work and life itself was crushing me.

But i did make it through. You know why?

Number three: Starting a blog.

Feeling like i belonged, feeling like i wasn't such a freak, having a place where i could talk about what i was going through, making friends who supported me and listened, and knowing that there were people out there who would care if i killed myself.

The Ball Started Rolling.

2009-09-11T12:44:00.000+10:00

My first ever comment was from Jake Annonymous. He found me after i left a comment on his blog, which back then was called Boys Best Official. I think he made a post about not getting many comments, and i left a comment saying i got none. lol

I think we exchanged a few emails soon after that. Then we linked our blogs, and we followed what happened on the other's blog and commented sometimes.

That was really where it all started. Jake already had an audience, so with my blog link in his sidebar, i started getting a slow trickle of readers, and a few commenters.

I also made a couple friends on msn (the first was Lach) after they found me from Jake's blog. To me that was amazing. I finally could talk to people and be myself.

All of that was a big boost, in the way that it also gave me confidence that my blog could go somewhere. So i started emailing other bloggers hoping for links. Most of them simply didn't reply, but a few did. I got a few more linkers, and so more readers and commenters. I didn't feel like the effort i was putting into posts was wasted anymore.

Something that always really intrigues me is how one small action can have huge effects later on. If i hadn't found Jake's blog, and been linked and supported, many of you probably wouldn't be reading today. Lach, who was the first person to add me on msn, found me through Jake's blog. When i went to Melbourne back in April this year, Lach was the friend i met and hung out with.

There's more tomorrow. :)

On The 17th Of September...

2009-09-10T12:41:00.000+10:00

Mirrorboy and Mirrorboy's Blog turn 1!!

On the 17 of September, 2008, i nervously made my first post. I really didn't have any idea how blogs worked. I didn't know how to link blogs or change colours or anything. I didn't think i'd ever 'make it' in the blog world. It seemed so distant, and frankly unimaginable. It seemed like there were blogs out there full of people who knew what they were doing, while i was clueless.

So i made that first post, right before my Mum came home from work. Then it was my dirty little secret.

This was my first post.

///
So... This is it huh? Who knows what adventures lay ahead for me and my blog in the days ahead... Hopefully i can make you laugh. Hopefully i can make you think. Hopefully you don't get bored with me O_O
This blog is going to be about me and what i think, so i'll give you the quick rundown about me.
I'm 15 years old. I live in Australia. I'm gay and mostly not 'out'. I'm an only child with a single parent. I want so badly to be a creative writer and am working on some books now.
Like me so far? If not, leave. :) (I was worried people would abuse me)
If you come back once i've started proper publishing you'll get to know a lot more about me. I hope you do, cos it will make a lonely boy very happy. :D
Thanks.
///

It makes me quite angry that people seem to think that Mirrorboy, I, had it easy in blogworld.

In the whole month of september... i made 17 nervous posts.

I didn't get a single comment until the 27th of September.

In the whole month i got 6 comments, from about 3 people.

It's funny when i see new bloggers, who might get about a dozen comments a post, complaining about not getting as many comments as me. Yet when i started i got barely any, not even a single one for 10 days.

When i started, this gay/bi blog community of ours simply did not exist. There were no bloggers to ask for help. There were no people to link with and be plugged by and supported. There were no examples to follow. I was on my own. I really did have to build me and my blog up from scratch.

I thought to get people to read i had to make short posts, talk about amusing things and mix it up with funny videos and pictures of cute boys. Every post was a conscious effort to try to draw people in.

I was still finding my feet. I wasn't sure where i was headed, but i was still travelling.

Strangely, although hardly anyone read or cared, i never thought of giving up. And i'm glad i didn't.

Starting a blog was basically a cry for help. I was a lonely gay kid. I had no gay friends in the slightest. I was existing in a world that didn't even want me. I had no one to talk to about what i was going through, and i was as alone as possible.

The reason i started was to reach out. I wanted to meet some gay people who i could talk to. I wanted to feel like i belonged.

My blog is a success.

For the rest of this week, leading up to Mirrorboy's Birthday, i've decided i'm going to celebrate on my blog. At first i felt like dedicating a whole week of posts on my blog to my own blog was a bit over-the-top. But you know what, considering this blog has had an enormous effect on me and everything about me, i think it's justified.

Stay tuned for tomorrow and i'll continue my story. :)

If People Were Sims...

2009-09-09T17:39:00.000+10:00

Everyone would be ridiculously attractive.

A house wouldn't be a home until you'd set fire to the stove.

To get a promotion you would talk to yourself in the mirror for hours, or play chess.

As soon as you meet a stranger they would wander into your house and start using your things.

Adding a new room would be an instantaneous thing.

Sex would be comical.

Getting dressed would mean simply spinning around.

Everyone would have a maid.

Your neighbour could be a criminal mastermind.

Oh, and everyone would be gay. :P

Answers. =D

2009-09-07T15:32:00.000+10:00

Reminding you how it works...

The words given to me are in black. My answer will be in purple. My answer will be what i first think of when i see the word.

I got a lot of hard, unfair ones so i'll do them first. :P

WARNING: MY ANSWERS ARE UNFUNNY.

Professionalism - Work
Mitten - Warm
Vortex - Spinning
Spatula - Cupcakes
Pilgrimage - Moving
Overindulgance - Fat
Flag - Country
Idol - Singing :P
Traits - Qualities
Curtains - Windows
Lavender - Purple
Mountain - Pointy
Flask - Drink
Fallopian Tubes - 2-word-fail :P
Umbrella - Dry
Precious - Gollum
Rejection - Sadness
Wheatgrass - Wheat? :P
Fussy - Picky
Mountaintop - High
Heffalump - Elephant
Falafel - Food
Kryptonite - Superman
Instantaneous - Fast :P

I have no idea what these mean. :D

Volition - Violin
Onomatopoeia - Nomnoms
Discombobulation - Bob :P
Sequester - Quest
Spelunking - Flunking
Adimpleate - Adimbowl
Blateration - Bla
Cacozealous - Cockisjealous

Animals

Fish - Wet
Koala - Trees
Panda - Cuddly
Squid - Slimy
Cow - Milk
Felines - Better-than-canines :P
Cat - Cute
Dog - Smelly
Yeti - Hairy :P

Stuff

Clouds - Fluffy
Robot - Beep
Ninja - Weapons
Carpet - Soft
Remedy - Fix
Pies - Meat
Geek - Glasses
Pizza - Yummy
Laugh - Funny
Cough - Germs
Socks - Smelly
Word - Number

Others

Abandoned - Loneliness
Commitment - Devotion
Compassion - Important
Intelligence - Helpful
Thoughtful - Thinkful
Private - Secret
Beauty - Inside
Dreams - Bizarre
Wishes - Desires
Hopes - Wants
Love - Saviour
Deceit - Bad
Blue - Calm
Red - Passion
White - Bright
Five - Nine
Shaving - Smooth
Ocean - Water
Water - Drink (don't drink from the ocean though) :P
Sun - Sunglasses
Air - Breeze
Wind - Blow
Warmth - Cuddles
Life - 'sabitch
Lesbian - Hard
Gay - Hard
Girls - No-thanks
Boys - Yes-please
Friends - Important
Boyfriend - WANT
Australia - Mate
Canada - Funny-accent (as if i can talk lol)

You people never fail to be pervy any chance you get. :P

Vagina - Barf
Dick - Yummy
Balls - Hang (lol)
Foreskin - Skin
Condom - Contain (lol)
Lube - Slippery
Wanking - Fun
Fleshlight - Thrust
Cum - Sticky
Spunk - Cum? :P
Ejaculation - Good :P
Tissue - Wipe
Boxers - Briefs
Sagging - Butt
Sex - Want
Sexy - Boys

I feel dirty now -_-

Bodies (not rude bits) lol

Hugs - Squeeze
Cuddles - Intimate
Toes - Feet
Fingers - Grab
Legs - Walk
Lips - Kiss
Tummy - Lick :P
Hair - Orgasm

Names

Mirrorboy - Blog-name
Peter - I-know-many-Peters :P
Dan - Drool
Steve - Smart
Benjamin - Adorable
Wkboy714 - Cutenesh
Jake - lol

New Blog Game. =D

2009-09-03T21:34:00.002+10:00

Okay so this is how it works.

You comment, or email me, one word, or a series of separate, single words.

I then sum up my opinion on that object, place, person etc etc (you get the idea) in a one-word answer. :D

For example, you may suggest 'cat'.

And my answer would by 'cute'. :D

In can be any word at all. Even numbers, if you prefer. o_O

Nothing is off limits. You can even say your own name. :D

So give me some words, and i'll post my answers in a few days. :D

EDIT: Because some of you are determined on making this difficult for me and have suggested words that it is impossible to have an opinion on, like 'spatula' lol, my answers won't be a summation of my opinion, but rather what your word makes me think of. :D

'Sup Me?

2009-08-30T20:30:00.000+10:00

Oh hai y'all. ^_^

I haven't got that much to post about. Life is going pretty steady for me at the moment. I'm keeping it together pretty well, which is a change. lol. A nice one.

Though if life was turning to shit then i'd have something to post about. :P

- Haven't heard anything back about the jobs yet. It's no biggie though. I'm sure i'll find something soon so don't feel the need to comfort me. :P

- School is going okay. Lots of work to do but i can deal with that. It's a million times better than the other place i used to go to. 'Twas a school but i see it as more of a hellhole. :P But yeah things are going okay there.

- Practicing exposure with my psychologists. Now instead of sitting in a room talking about stuff we go out to a cafe or something and do it there. It's like, because being in social places makes me anxious and stuff, in a way it's trying to get me used to the situation. Also have to find a nice thing to say about myself every time i look in the mirror. That's hard to do though. Anyways they're really nice people. They probably know more about me deep down and what goes on in my head than anyone else. It's hard to explain what a difference they've made in my life so far, so i won't even try. But they're great. :)

Everything else that i care to think about is going okay. I've got school and homework during the week and i spend my spare time relaxing. Sounds like a decent plan aye lol.

On the blog side of things, well. Idk. Blogging has become way too high maintenance. I only read blogs that catch my eye now, and i only comment if i've got something important and/or witty to say. lol. There's just too many links in that sidebar to give everyone some of my time. I try to catch up with everyone on msn though.

I'm hoping i don't scare you all off talking to me now. lol. People seem to get the impression that i've got more important things to do than care about what's going on with them. That's untrue.
I just can't sit here for hours reading and commenting on dozens of blog posts. I still love talking to people on msn and i consider many of you good friends, and i'm still up for meeting new people (always am). :)

Hope everyone is doing okay. *love*

Because i'm doing okay for once some cataclysm is probably around the corner. lol

Souls.

2009-08-27T14:33:00.000+10:00

Today i wonder if souls exist.

What makes me, me?

I'll warn you now. :P

In order for me to not sound like a raving lunatic (although i probably still will), you must be willing to put what you know aside for now, and just go with what i say. It's probably the most out-there thing i've ever written and makes very little logical sense. :D

Okies.

The notion of a soul is quite romantic. It is a pure essence inside of you, inside of everyone. It is you. It is what feeds your 'heart' and your 'mind'.

I know i've touched on this before in my Humans post. I said that i believe that how a person thinks and behaves is determined by our surroundings. What we see as 'good' and 'bad' is determined by what see and are told.

But is that it? Is that all? Are we 100% sponge, acting upon only what we soak up? Or is there something else, so deep we can't even see it, driving us?

In most cases, children mirror their parents. That can be explained by the 'you become your surroundings theory'. But let's say that this happens because your soul, and your parents' souls matched. So, they were brought together to exist alongside one another. Was it meant to be? Can you imagine living as the child of other parents that you know of?

Ask yourself this. If instead of your parents, you had been born to someone else. Would you be a completely different person?

If there was one small part of you that was the same, inside, in your mind or your heart, would that be a part of you that is pure you? That no matter what happens, no matter where you grow up, will always be there? Is this a result of your soul?

On the 'meant to be' thing between children and parents. I guess you could easily call that soulmates.

There are friends that you come across, completely by chance. At some point in time, in both your lives, you cross paths, and from then on you are inseperable. I suppose it's like it was meant to be.

And there are people that you love so deeply, you feel like, together, you are one. When they suffer, you suffer, and when they feel joy, you feel joy. A connection runs so deep between you and them...

And you can not see it, but it is there. And it is strong.

So if the connection exists, what is it connecting? It certainly isn't anything physical.

Let's look at the facts against souls and soulmates.

Your genes match your parents. So even if you grew up away from them, some parts of you would still mirror them. That's hardly souls, just science.

And if are parents soulmates, then why are there some such terrible mismatches?

You could become friends with people because you have similar interests. You have similar senses of humour. You are just similar.

And i'm not certain, but what we call 'love' can probably be explained by science too. It's just a bunch of chemical reactions inside you, that create emotion for someone, and at the same time exist inside another person, for you.

I have no answers. But i am writing from the point of view that souls exist. So i do have theories. ^_^

Yes, genes will make some parts of you similar to your parents, but not all of you. Like i said before, if 0.00000000000001% of you is not determined by outside influences, and inside influences like genes, then that part of you, is you. And that small part could be the most crucial part of all. And that crucial part might be the missing piece of the puzzle that are your parents' souls together. So in your existence you are brought together.

Now in order to explain mismatches, i must first determine why souls exist. ^_^

If they do exist, i believe it would be to learn. We are born, and we live our life, and then we die. While living, we experience emotions. We experience sadness and happiness. We experience what makes us feel good, and what makes us hurt deep down. We experience every emotion, and feeling. We experience everything imaginable.

When we have learnt enough, we die and our souls are set free, full of knowledge of what it is to truly exist and live. And perhaps our souls all go back to where they came from, and become one again, and pass on their knowledge. And when they reach their destination it is like a drop of food colouring in an ocean.

It is no big deal if a soul did not learn enough, or had to move on before it was their time. For another soul, eager to learn, will be created from the soul pool. Inside that soul will be a little part of every other soul. And it comes to existence to fill in the blanks, to know what it is to live. So if one soul missed out on something, or everything, another soul will take on the job.

If that is true, then we are all connected. In our existence we are all unique puzzle pieces from one huge beautiful picture. Sometimes we find a match and so experience a 'meant to be' feeling. Although perhaps more accurately between friends or partners, it was a 'match by chance'.

Okay that turned into a tangent. Back to why there are mismatches.

While a tiny part of us is our soul, the rest isn't. While our soul learns, the rest of us does as well. And that part of us may be learning what is not best for it. So if a child and a parent do not match, it may be because what the other parts of us know and feel and have learnt, clash with what our souls want. It gets in the way of what could have been a good match and the 'soul relationship' never reaches its full potential.

I'll go on to 'love' now.

Love is the ultimate definition of soulmates. People who are perfect matches, created for each other. Unfortunately we can't always find them. And maybe, i dunno, there isn't a soulmate for everyone. Perhaps part of what our soul needs to learn and feel involves doing it for ourself.

But that doesn't mean soulmates can't be made.

I think if we find someone that makes us happy, someone that fills us with joy, and makes us feel complete, our souls would change. And that change would be a good thing, because it brings our souls closer to their destination, and that could be to become one with itself. Our soul pool could be full one day, with no more need to learn. Souls would have done what they needed to do, and spend the rest of eternity, happy.

Jeez i'm a raving-mad lunatic. lol

Another Job.

2009-08-20T13:43:00.000+10:00

It's been a week since i wrote the application for the newspaper, and we haven't heard anything back. My teacher wants us to be out doing work experience within the next few weeks, so i'm moving on.

Today, i again typed up a quick application. This time though, it was for the local radio station. After school today, i called my Grandma and asked her to pick me up. Then she drove me to the radio station, where i went in and left my application for the guy who does the programming.

My teacher's gonna call the paper. So if they say no, then i should probaby be able to get a job on community radio, and this would most likely mean hosting a 1 hour show.

I don't really need to be wished luck on this one. The guy who was there said there were lots of openings. :P

But feel free to wish me luck with the paper. :)

Seeking.

2009-08-15T08:58:00.000+10:00

A job, please.

So as i said the other day, to pass my Work Skills class i need to axly do work experience for a minimum of 8 weeks to pass, and our teacher wants to get us out there ASAP. Full steam ahead kind of thing.

So on Thursday in class i looked through the phone book for places that i might be able to do work placement at. The one i wrote down first, was our local newspaper. Long-time readers might already know that i want to be a journalist.

Now asking this newspaper is quite a big deal. It's not a small thing. It's a very professional paper. It does local news, state news, national news, international news, all news. In a work placement book i saw at my old school before i left, it said they only took year 11 and 12 students, preferrably those studying Journalism as a subject.

Now i'm 16. Definitely not studying Journalism. Little experience. I mean how do you even get experience as a journalist without axly working at a newspaper? And it didn't say anywhere that they had any sort of openings either.

Anyways, it's a long shot. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but that's hard to do. This is gonna be 8 weeks of my life. I want it to be something important to me.

I wrote up the quick application in about 45 mins and got it to my teacher and she said she would post it. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, balls, anything. I want this bad, and it's a very long shot. :(

If it doesn't work, my other 2 choices are the local radio station or a bakery.

Hai But Bai.

2009-08-13T14:06:00.000+10:00

Okay, so here's the thing.

I've gotta a lotta stuff to do at the moment. I need to write an essay on a book we read in English, and also do an assignment on the book (It's called The Divine Wind, it was really good axly). I also need to find articles for a speech i have to do about a topic i chose (human euthanasia). And there's more stuff to do with my Work Skills class. I kind of need to... find a job and do work experience to pass.

I also need to get other stuff sorted out to do with turning 16, which was a while ago. Bunch of other stuff too. No point going into it.

To be honest, i haven't even read the majority of e-mails i've received in the past couple of weeks. And those of you with my msn may have noticed i've barely been on. I think it'll stay like that for a while. I went on it last night after being away for a while, and while i was on i was hurt. So what's the f'ing point, ya know? I'm just gonna be a ghost now, for a while at least.

I'm sorry to all the owners of blogs i haven't been reading and commenting. But you've all got your own lives and problems to deal with. I simply can not get involved. Right now, i need to focus on me, my life, and my own problems. That's all i can take for now.

And i may or may not be on msn occasionally. If i am it won't be for long.

Right now i will go and respond to all the e-mails in my inbox. If you e-mail me after this, don't expect a quick reply. Sorry.

I will try to post when i can. I do still have stuff to blog about. It's not the blogging that has made me have to do this, it's everything that comes with it.

Ultimate Smeh.

2009-08-12T11:37:00.000+10:00

So many blogs to read. So many comments to make. So many emails to respond to.

-_-

Another day of procrastination can't hurt, can it?

^_^

Cool, New, Yummilicious.

2009-08-09T09:36:00.000+10:00

There's all these cool, new, young things coming to blogworld. Soon you'll all be so over me. :P

Vince Patrick Photoblog - A yummy picture/journal blog. :)

A Not-So-High-Profile Life - A Canadian Teen blogging about his life. :)

Small Town Chat - A "location unkown :D" teen who blogs about... hating his brother. lol

The Everyday Life and Thoughts of a Fabulous Teen - Or TELATOAFT. lol. Correct me if i'm wrong, but i think he's the youngest blogger in our community. :O

Anyways, they're all fairly new blogs so go check them out and give them some support, and a warm welcome. :)

Mini Break.

2009-08-05T12:01:00.000+10:00

It's that kind of time again.

I'm gonna take a break from blogging, and reading blogs and commenting, and reading emails and replying.

I've got a bunch of homework i need to do. After school and homework i also need some time to relax. There are some other things on my mind i need to think about as well. I won't go into detail but it's nothing bad, so don't worry. :)

I'll be back soon. Till then, love.

:)

Bloglinks.

2009-08-02T11:54:00.000+10:00

Ehhh i hate doing this.

But it's over now. :) lol

So i've gone through all the links in my sidebar and put them in their categories.

My favourite bloggers go in the top category (My favourite blogs). Mainly because i read blogs by going through my links, and i keep my favourites at the top so i can find them easily. :)

Bloggers who i think do a great job and i like reading go in the next one (Great guys).

Then all the other blogs that are worth checking out go in the next category (Other cool blogs).

A blogger that doesn't post for 3 weeks, without a reason, or one that posts only every few weeks or months, ends up in the very casual blogs section.

When a blogger doesn't post for 3 months, or has officially stopped blogging, they go into the final category of finished or disappeared.

I know that i started blogging because i was alone and i was reaching out. So it's sad when you see other people who couldn't break into the blogging community and gain that readership. It's also sad when someone that you'd been following, disappears with no reason.

Anyways, if you want a link from my blog all you have to do is leave a comment or send me an email. It's win-win for both people. :)

Chocolate Much.

2009-08-01T19:19:00.000+10:00

The lighting was okay this time. lol

They were sooooo good... Something that good has to be bad for you. :)

It took me a couple of tries to get the icing right. The first lot was wayyy too runny, but the 2nd one was decent. At least it wasn't gritty like last time. lol. They cakes turned out well though. Probably the best ones i've made, even though i accidentally used tablespoons of cocoa instead of teaspoons. lol

Ooh... My tummy hurts...

Oh Noes!! D:

2009-07-31T16:03:00.000+10:00

Why oh whyyyyyy!? I was only printing one page!! Why did you suck up 20 pieces of paper at once!?

:'(

Humans.

2009-07-29T12:34:00.001+10:00

I'm not sure i even have the power to fully articulate how i feel about this, so please ignore me if i make no sense. :)

Do you ever get the feeling, that as human beings, we've just really stuffed everything up?

Our lives as a whole are full of war, hate and fear. We can't even coexist anymore. We actually kill each other. Our countries invest millions of dollars trying to figure out better ways to kill our enemies, who are humans just like us. It breeds hatred for other people, when the only difference is their skin colour, or the country they come from, or their religious beliefs.

Millions of people starve. Those who lose money end up on the streets. People murder, and abuse, and steal. Our economy has collapsed on itself. There are homeless and jobless. And we're polluting our own Earth.

Why are we here? What are we aiming for in our lives?

Is it to be the boss? As humans, we seek to control everything. We use animals like machines for our own benefit. Then we created our own machines that do what we want. We tame animals as pets and we own them. We seek promotions, to climb the job ladder, to have people below us, to have people working for us.

We've tamed the skies and the seas. What is left? The moon? Planets and stars? We don't have control of them yet, so we dream of the day when we do. Past empires had the sole aim of expanding. They wanted to own more land. They wanted to crush other cities and people, so that they could be the number 1.

Our lives are about trying to be the number 1. We want to be in control, and when we meet another human, we want to be better than them.

But why? What is the point? Do we aim for higher and higher because it betters our lives?

And when our lives are better, we're happier. That is success.

But we as humans created success itself. We created money, and jobs, and the ideal family and group of friends. We created fame and fortune. It was all created by us.

We aim for it, but we have no real reason, because our definition of success is one we created.

We have religion. Why is there religion? Is it to control the masses? Is it to give us a set of rules to follow, to maintain peace and order?

Religion has been fuel for war. It has been fuel for hate. It has been fuel for murder. If religion exists to create peace, then it has failed. People construe words of holy books and use them as excuses to further their own agendas.

Civilisations have started war, because their religious beliefs are different to their enemies. Gays like me have been killed because people take the words of a 'God' and twist them into a reason to kill, even up to this day. People in past have been banished from society, and had their lives ruined or put to an end, if they break rules set by their fellow peoples' religion.

(I believe) our lives are 100% contrived.

If a baby born today was to be put into a world with prehistoric man, they would grow up like the people around them. Sure, they might stand a bit taller and have less hair, but we are no different inside to people from those days. The only difference we have is the world we grew up in.

And we grow up in families and go to schools. We are taught to respect people in power, and use our manners. We learn what is funny and not funny, and what is bad and good. We are supposed to get jobs and contribute to society and get married and play happy families and reproduce, so that the cycle repeats itself.

The lives we live today can not really be the 'real' (perhaps 'intended') 'human way'. We live in a world that we created slowly, with each layer coming about by chance. Think of the famous inventors throughout history, and of the explorers, and leaders. What if one had been trampled by an elephant? What if one had been stabbed or shot, or never been created in one moment of sex? Our lives would be drastically, unimaginably different than they are now.

Success might have a different meaning. We would be aiming for different things. Good and bad would have different actions associated with them.

Am i making sense? lol. I was thinking about this while i was walking home from school because my iPod wasn't charged. :P

I'm sorry if things that make sense in my head don't translate.

So everything we know today was created by past events. Every event, major to minor, has shaped how we live our lives. If things had taken a slightly different turn, thousands, or even hundreds of years ago, we would have an incredibly different life today.

Humans only live like we do because we grew up in the world around us. It's too bad that things have kind of imploded, with war, and racism, and homophobia, and crime, and money and everything like that.

So why do we live, and what is the meaning for our existence? Honestly, i don't think the meaning of life for humans is any different from the meaning of life for a cat, or a snail, or an ant, as the only difference i see is our brain complexity.

What the meaning is, though, i have no clue.

Maybe it is something we can't even articulate, with the words we created. ;)

Writing Workshop.

2009-07-25T12:21:00.000+10:00

I wrote this in about half an hour at school a few weeks ago.

...

The Sun shone brightly, but my mood was dark. I knew the Sun was there, but all I could see was black. Its light was gone. All light was gone. And I was forgotten. Everyone and everything had seen me, but no eyes were on me now. I felt cold to my core. I used to inspire hope and courage. Now, without me, nothing really changes. No one needed me anymore. They would go on living, as they have their own sources of hope. They had moved on and I was left unneeded. I am unneeded. I would cry out but I have no voice. Even if I had one, my cries would fall on deaf ears. I feel like a skeleton. I feel dead. I am cold, surrounded by darkness.

I feel a pull. Like a tug of rescue pulling me from despair. A crescent of light flashes before my eyes. And I see. I see the Sun. The light grows, and flushes my hopelessness from me. I know now that eyes are on me, and people care. I can feel the light on me, and although it isn't mine, I am happy to carry it till the end, to inspire hope and courage in those who can find no light, and bring them back from their own despair.

I see the Earth again and I am glad. I am happy to be a beacon of light for the Earthlings. I always shall. It is my destiny as the moon, till the end.

...

If there is any meaning to the story it is that the darkness in our life can create false feelings of despair, fear and hopelessness, but if you have that pull of rescue, it will always pass and you will know that there are still some people who care.

Sometimes you just can't see that through the darkness though.

Ocean.

2009-07-23T19:06:00.000+10:00

We were at the ocean the other day and we took the camera. My Mum loves whales so i had to try to get some pics.

There are also a few pics taken on recent days, when the weather was better. And they're prettier. :P

And there are a few just of the ocean too. :)

You'll notice that the weather goes dark and light. That's cos the order of the pics got messed up as i uploaded them. lol

It may be a shithole of a town but at least it's pretty. :P

love

Patty Cakes.

2009-07-23T18:17:00.000+10:00

So i made these today. They're chocolate patty cakes with orange icing and a walnut on top. :)

I shot those in a really bad light so they don't look as nice as they did in real life. lol

Unfortunately, i also accidentally used caster sugar instead of icing suger. eep. So the icing was gritty. :P

But it was a first try so i still did okay. :)

I like cooking. I just love doing anything that i can be creative with. I've always loved writing and drawing and stuff like that. And now i also love cooking and baking as well.

It took me a few hours to do. I had to wash and wipe everything (cos of my OCD). I obviously had to measure and make the mix for the cakes. Egg, milk, butter, s.r flour, caster sugar, and i think i put vanilla essence in. Then i did the icing, which was sugar and butter, and orange (which i grated the rind of, and also squeezed juice from). Then i cracked open the walnuts myself.

But it was all fun. And fun things are fun. :)

love

Oh Hello.

2009-07-23T12:16:00.000+10:00

I've been sick this week so i didn't go to school. It's also the reason why i haven't been online talking much/reading blogs/answering emails. So, sorry y'all.

I've had some pretty, well, really low days but i think i'm on the up track again. It's hard to keep things together and once in a while i kind of get into a down mood. Maybe it's my body's way of venting.

I'm trying not to think about it so please don't go giving me advice or bringing it up if you talk to me.

Anyways i think my cat Tiger is sick or something. I'm not sure. He hasn't been eating much and he spends all day just sitting there. While yeah, that sounds normal, i'm saying he isn't walking around much, he isn't playing at all, and when i pat him he doesn't seem to enjoy it. It's like he's fragile. He just seems so flat.

I hope he gets better soon. He's a member of my very small family.

Anywho, that's all.

Bye Jakey.

2009-07-17T22:04:00.001+10:00

Jake of Jake's Home and formerly of the My Life On A Wall blog has left blogworld.

We've had some good times and some bad times together. We were good friends for a long time, and online boyfriends for a while and they were good times. Unfortunately when he broke up with me that resulted in bad times too. lol. But we came out of it okay.

Whatever happened between us, he was the first blogger to link me, and my first commenter, and one of my first friends online. If it wasn't for his support, i probably wouldn't even be here blogging today.

In leaving he had this message for me,

"I didn't want to do a lame attention-seeking countdown like Peter did that time."

Good luck Jakey.

<3

Mirrorboy's Blog

Conclusion. :o

English exam.

More Endings.

My Blog Turns 2.

Huzzah. :3

Beginnings and Endings.

The Other Side.

News. O:

Still Here. :P

Recommended Linx!

Update.

Foar Warwy.

It's Over.

Who wants to contribute to a future best-seller? :D

My Other Love.

Pshhh. FINE.

I Told My Teacher.

Words Returns!

Joined Twitter! O: O:

Answers. :P

Ask Me Anythings!

happy birthdayyy to me

It's Over.

Gross Alien Sex.

Bitboy! :D

Happy Chocolate Day!

:P

Oh Hai There.

Marchin in a Gay Pride Parade.

Well.

Wow.

Why I'm Leaving.

And What A Year It Was.

Buying Presents on Christmas Eve. :D

How I Met Bitboy.

Bitboy's Gone.

300th Post. :O

Oh Hai!

Anyways.

:S

I Love You All. :P

Well...

Bitboy Is Coming, Today.

Me No Speaky Da Language.

I See.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Fun. :|

Yay.

What Do I Hate?

:S

Happy Birthday Landyn. :)

That's Not All. :P

MBoy's Back (and he brought someone with him). :P

Haiii.

Nevermind.

Goodbye. :'(

Mondays. Sheesh.

"Church can reject gays, single mums"

Questionnaire.

Work Experience Week 2.

Fanks.

Blurk Explurnairianence.

Work Exparurniance.

Break-ity Break-oo.

I Are Sadness.

Tomorrow.

Death.

Argh

Welcome To My Bedroom Of EVIL.

Tonight Was So Gay.

New Colours!! :O

I Need Head.

Ah Jeez.

Birthday.

Memorable Moments #2

Memorable Moments #1

All About You.

Turning Points. *important!*

The Ball Started Rolling.

Turning Points. important!